Today, I went to an amusement park with a group of friends, one... - FML

By Darth Vomitus - 10/8/2012 18:54 - United States - Mequon

Today, I went to an amusement park with a group of friends, one of whom was a girl I really like. When we got on the roller coaster, I was ecstatic that she wanted to sit next to me. Not even half-way through, I ended up puking all over the both of us. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26400

You deserved it

5787

Tweet

Share

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

Delayed proposal

Insane parents

By Anonymous - 31/7/2009 21:05 - United States

Today, I needed to buy Vagisil. I went to the grocery store so I could use the self check-out. My item rung up incorrectly, so a girl came to help. She was new and having trouble, so she called more people to help. I ended up having five people around me talking about my Vagisil purchase. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51113

You deserved it

4533

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 26/9/2018 23:00 - United States - Perrysburg

Today, I got random constipation followed by diarrhea. It's 1:30am and my sleeping medication is making me fall asleep, but every time I try to get off the toilet I get another diarrhea spasm. Either I fall asleep on the toilet or shit myself in my sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2859

You deserved it

178

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 21/8/2012 17:39 - United States - Charlotte

Today, I walked into the restroom at work, only to find my boss stroking and playing with himself. I have my annual performance assessment with him in an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33422

You deserved it

2321

Tweet

Share

By Kim422 - 28/6/2010 06:18 - United States

Today, I gave the toast at my sister's wedding which was outside. Before I started, the wind blew up my dress and wouldn't let up. Instead of giving my heartfelt speech, I spent five minutes fighting with my dress as 130 people pointed at my floral-printed underwear and laughed loudly. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34866

You deserved it

4575

Tweet

Share

By babyblues - 20/11/2012 19:45 - United States - Woodhaven

Today, this guy I've been dating for a few months freaked out and called his mom crying, because I told him I might be pregnant with his baby. He is 27. I didn't even take a pregnancy test yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13832

You deserved it

30833

Tweet

Share

By nottrustworthy - 18/11/2010 06:44 - United States

Today, my wife of seven years told me that she doesn't trust me with dog-sitting her dog while she leaves to spend Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's with her family. She ended up calling someone she "trusts" to take care of her dog while I spend the holidays by myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31377

You deserved it

4545

Tweet

Share

By wut? - 4/5/2020 14:00

Notice me please

Today, my daughter has been locked in her room screaming and sobbing for the past 2 hours. Apparently, I didn’t make a big enough deal of her coming out, so I must not care about her. What I said was I didn’t care if she was gay, and that it wouldn’t change anything. Sorry for being accepting I guess. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2018

You deserved it

153

Tweet

Share

By monkeywrench - 1/5/2012 05:14 - United States

Today, I got some spam stating that I'd have no love life in the coming 10 years if I didn't reply to it. So, no different to the last 10 years then. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24374

You deserved it

2871

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 15/6/2019 06:30 - United States - Durham

Today, I had a doctor's appointment because I've recently lost weight. I'm already underweight, and I was concerned because the weight loss has been causing some other health concerns to worsen. My doctor's exact words of advice? "Eating food usually leads to weight gain." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1673

You deserved it

296

Tweet

Share

By Ewwwwww - 4/2/2010 18:53 - United States

Today, I discovered that the rancid stench in my bathroom was a decaying carcass of a mouse in my toilet tank. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27637

You deserved it

3327

Tweet

Share

By juggalomurderer59 - 12/11/2014 16:00 - United States

Today, at the gym, some muscle head idiot started yelling at the treadmill for not going fast enough, and I muttered "roid rage". Apparently said roids give him superhuman hearing, because he heard me from the other side of the room, and threatened to kill me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33659

You deserved it

9473

Tweet

Share

By stupdude3 - 26/3/2012 14:51 - United States

Today, I learned a valuable lesson: Make sure you learn to swim at a very young age, or else you might end up a in a swimming class with a bunch 3 and 4 year-olds, taught by your crush. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30253

You deserved it

6676

Tweet

Share

By DrunkenMum - 20/7/2019 12:00

Today, I’m on holiday with my mum. She got so pissed, she fell over on the dance floor at the children’s disco, then had to rely on a stranger to keep her upright so I could go get the car to take her home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1420

You deserved it

87

Tweet

Share

By Fredgruff - 9/1/2010 13:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at a band practice. The band was talking to each other with language like "cadence", "resolution" and "consecutive fifths". When they spoke to me, they used terms like "tick", "bong", "ticky bong"; and "bongy tick". Musically, I feel like a baboon. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25363

You deserved it

6788

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 20/4/2009 18:22 - United States

Today, I told my mom that I was taking antidepressants because I hate myself. She said "That's not surprising. You hate everybody. And, you're kind of a bitch." FML

I agree, your life sucks

73894

You deserved it

23538

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 20/6/2009 04:09 - United States

Today, my friend sent me a bumper sticker that said, "Do you know that gullible said slowly sounds like 'green bears'?" I spent quite a few minutes trying to get gullible to sound like green bears until I realized that it didn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13134

You deserved it

64953

Tweet

Share

By dentistftw - 8/8/2009 04:06 - United States

Today, was my 22nd birthday. The only person who remembered was the dentist who sent me a postcard in the mail. I stopped going to him four years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48853

You deserved it

2879

Tweet

Share

By marriagesux - 29/12/2010 07:12 - United States

Today, marks the second week straight without sex. Being a newlywed isn't as great as I thought. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25602

You deserved it

4625

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 2/6/2019 02:00

Today, I met my father, who I hadn't seen since I was a baby, at Subway. He made me pay for his meal. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2061

You deserved it

206

Tweet

Share

By KN - 25/6/2009 14:13 - United States

Today, I went to go give my boss a high five for a job well done. I missed his hand and accidentally slapped his ass on the way down. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38789

You deserved it

12488

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 12/5/2009 03:43 - United States

Today, I was babysitting a really bratty little girl. She came and cuddled up on the couch so I took it as an apology. I feel asleep while she was sitting with me and when I woke up she had peed on me. She locked herself in her room and was laughing about peeing on me for discipling her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58512

You deserved it

7521

Tweet

Share

By tattooapprentice - 1/12/2018 17:30

Today, at my first day of my dream job, I dropped a delicate $700 piece of machinery on the ground. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2703

You deserved it

404

Tweet

Share

By liar liar plants for hire - 3/8/2020 23:01

Season finale

Today, thanks to traveling restrictions being lifted, I was finally able to go visit the guy I've been chatting with online for the past year. When we met it was like a TV show, well more like three shows: Catfish, Hoarders and My 600lbs life. Turns out he had his neighbor video chat me all along. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2009

You deserved it

256

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 21/5/2019 20:02

Today, I went to a seminar about non-prejudice and acceptance. I spent the whole time being made fun of because of my pink shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1934

You deserved it

202

Tweet

Share

By cheap - 18/6/2014 13:42 - France - Toulouse

Today, I celebrated my 22nd birthday. On my cake stood last year's "21" candle, to which had been added a single candle. Clearly, times are tough. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43916

You deserved it

6719

Tweet

Share

By Cat Ashes - 5/12/2013 05:18 - United States - Dewitt

Today, I received an unexpected package from my mother. It contained my cat's ashes. Apparently he died 3 weeks ago and she thought this was the best way to tell me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43641

You deserved it

2779

Tweet

Share

By EOJ - 10/2/2009 17:07 - United States

Today, I was walking my son to school. After yelling at him for not looking where he's walking, I grabbed his hand and pulled him closer to me. Not paying attention, I walked him right into a light pole. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8896

You deserved it

55098

Tweet

Share

By charlotte273 - 30/6/2010 09:39 - United Kingdom

Today, in an attempt to save money on waxing, I bought veet hair removal cream. I also discovered it has the same effect on carpets. Now I have to pay for a replacement. So much for saving money. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24150

You deserved it

13837

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 7/7/2012 22:00 - United States - Waterford

Today, while looking through pictures of my boyfriend and me on Facebook, I noticed that in practically every single one featuring my best friend, his eyes are directed down her shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30360

You deserved it

3834

Tweet

Share

By yvon la moto - 6/11/2015 10:26 - Spain - Madrid

Today, I set my car's speed to 125km/h to pass the speed camera announced by a road sign. Sure of myself, for a laugh I flipped the bird as I went by. When the flash went off, I realised that the speed limit was 110 km/h, not the usual 130 km/h. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10964

You deserved it

31999

Tweet

Share

By spockswifey - 3/11/2010 06:40 - United States

Today, I jokingly asked my husband if he had ever cheated on me. In the most sincere and honest tone, he said "if I ever have or ever will, there's no way you would ever find out. I love you too much to lose you", and gave me a hug. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40890

You deserved it

8361

Tweet

Share

By Jake - 16/9/2013 19:08 - United States - Albany

Today, I woke up, thinking it was going to be a good day. However, when I looked at my phone, I saw that my girlfriend had sent me an obscene number of angry messages, which are still coming in, because I forgot to say goodnight to her last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53043

You deserved it

8178

Tweet

Share

By retailworker - 9/1/2020 14:00

Customer service

Today, at work, I was helping a customer over the phone. Another customer came and asked me a question. I let them know I'd be with them shortly. They then said "I really think you should hang up. The customer is always first." FML

I agree, your life sucks

7245

You deserved it

542

Tweet

Share

By CptZoe - 29/2/2012 18:10 - United Kingdom

Today, I jokingly asked my boyfriend to marry me, because it's a leap year. He is now avoiding me for fear that I was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24685

You deserved it

16383

Tweet

Share

By Livingthedream - 12/8/2018 06:00

Today, I got home from a long day of work and saw a pile of dog puke on the kitchen floor. I went to get paper towels and found a pile of dog shit. With my foot. Both of my kids were home all day and left the piles for me to clean because "that's gross". FML

I agree, your life sucks

2831

You deserved it

430

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 18/8/2015 12:34 - United States - Arlington Heights

Today, I was telling my dad how my boyfriend dumped me yesterday. He responded by blowing his nose into his hand, wiping it in my hair, then saying "There, a REAL problem to whine about." FML

I agree, your life sucks

26040

You deserved it

2852

Tweet

Share

By WhoaThere - 18/12/2009 05:23 - United States

Today, a cute guy asked for my phone number and I gladly gave it to him. I was feeling really good about myself for getting hit on by the star football player. That was until he called 8 times and left 5 messages. In 2 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28352

You deserved it

9608

Tweet

Share

By Sigh - 23/5/2009 05:50 - United States

Today, I decided to tell my mother what I thought about religion. I've been raised catholic. I told her I was converting to Wicca, to which she sort of nodded and walked away. I went into my room to study with my earbuds in, music loud. I walked out to see a cross nailed above my door. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42877

You deserved it

34731

Tweet

Share

By Domo731 - 5/11/2017 13:00 - United States - Johnson City

Kinky.

Today, I drank from a soda can that was on my floor. Unfortunately, it was my boyfriend’s pee. He was too lazy to go to the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4256

You deserved it

4826

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 29/5/2010 13:16 - Malaysia

Today, someone switched my hairspray with bug spray when I didn't notice. I used it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26896

You deserved it

6511

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By dathan | 14

#4798672 - Saturday 11 August 2012 2:18

Great username :D Also, FYL.

By Xathanos | 16

#4798684 - Saturday 11 August 2012 2:19

Well you just gave her a ride she won't forget..

COMMENTS

By ThisWhorecrux | 1

#4798670 - Saturday 11 August 2012 2:17

First!

By dathan | 14

#4798672 - Saturday 11 August 2012 2:18

Great username :D Also, FYL.

Reply

random_jay | 6

#4800099 - Saturday 11 August 2012 5:57

Puke... I am your father

Reply

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#4801343 - Saturday 11 August 2012 16:33

Barf Vomitus would have been better surely?!

By danielnieves | 4

#4798679 - Saturday 11 August 2012 2:19

Lmfao!! That's great. Sucks you. Bet your chances went down the drain

Reply

NanillaVipples | 2

#4798873 - Saturday 11 August 2012 2:58

Judging by the FML I doubt that anyone was sucked that day.

Reply

zander4310 | 5

#4799131 - Saturday 11 August 2012 4:22

sucks you?

Reply

Sliver1991 | 26

#4800688 - Saturday 11 August 2012 10:23

Hey, do not judge harshly. Perhaps he/she/it is just going with the star wars trend of the first comment?

Sounds like Yoda to me.

By Xathanos | 16

#4798684 - Saturday 11 August 2012 2:19

Well you just gave her a ride she won't forget..

Reply

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#4801353 - Saturday 11 August 2012 16:36

Instead of the ride you wanted to give her, that she won't forget.

By bReLiNg | 18

#4798722 - Saturday 11 August 2012 2:24

Apologize? Give her your shirt! Show off a lil :p

Reply

kittytub | 12

#4798805 - Saturday 11 August 2012 2:39

it probably has puke all over it.

Reply

DerpinaDerpton | 8

#4798893 - Saturday 11 August 2012 3:02

The puke gives it novelty.
Their first time together.

Reply

kittytub | 12

#4800235 - Saturday 11 August 2012 6:35

haha, frame it and never wash it. like a trophy.

By ManInTheMachine | 19

#4798739 - Saturday 11 August 2012 2:25

How cute! Instead of a first kiss, you guys have a first barf! Just pray to God your crush is into that kind of thing.

Reply

Inheritance | 10

#4799749 - Saturday 11 August 2012 4:54

If that happened to me id probably cry of embarrassment and leave depressed..

Reply

SystemofaBlink41 | 27

#4802436 - Saturday 11 August 2012 23:47

A few days ago I ALMOST barfed on a girl's face ... I can't even stand to imagine what would've happened if I did...

By MissMae93 | 23

#4798744 - Saturday 11 August 2012 2:26

Oh yuck. I feel bad for you, OP. Offer your sincerest apologies, hopefully she'll shrug it off!

By purpledrizzle | 5

#4798747 - Saturday 11 August 2012 2:26

Darth Vomitus = Epicness. FYL but your username is completely awesome

By matt98_fml | 13

#4798760 - Saturday 11 August 2012 2:31

If it was the xcellerator, I know what you mean....

By hazydaze | 9

#4798821 - Saturday 11 August 2012 2:42

If she's understanding and cool she will accept your apology. If she accepts it, tell her you want to make it up to her by taking her on a nice date. Just don't puke this time(;