Love: Today, I went to an amusement park with a group of friends, one... - FML

By Darth Vomitus - United States - Mequon

Today, I went to an amusement park with a group of friends, one of whom was a girl I really like. When we got on the roller coaster, I was ecstatic that she wanted to sit next to me. Not even half-way through, I ended up puking all over the both of us. FML

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BO Central

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Jealousy

By yuckspider - United States

Today, I saw a spider crawling on the floor but had nothing to kill it with and it hid somewhere. So, I got dressed and went out and come home for a shower, and as I'm taking off my undies, something crushed and black fell out. It was the spider and he had been in my underwear the entire day. FML

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By failure - Australia

Today, I rang my girlfriend to make sure she made it home alright. She told me to check my facebook. Nothing was different so I hit refresh. We were no longer in a relationship. I got dumped via facebook whilst on the phone to her. FML

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By annony-moose - France

Today, I was feeling hungry, so I went to the kitchen to get a bowl of cereal. I found hundreds of weevils festering in my Lucky Charms. FML

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By momoftheyearedition - United States - Landenberg

Today, my 5-year-old won't stop princess-waving at people. This would be fine, but she looks exactly like she is giving the Nazi salute. I got dirty looks from nearly everyone at the supermarket. FML

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By Phoebe - Singapore

Today, my husband and I were in bed when the alarm on his phone went off. He then told me that he had to 'sound the horn' and went over to his laptop. Wondering what that meant, I peered over at his laptop. It turns out hunting for mice on Facebook is more important than procreating. FML

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By not crazy enough - United States - Mount Pleasant

Today, at work, a crazy customer forced me to promise to take a holiday greeting picture of my cat and myself for her. She says she'll be back and expects one. FML

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By Chronicus Ironia - United States

Today, I found out that my wife is leaving me for a tattoo artist. I was in rehab and she met him getting a tattoo as a surprise for me. FML

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By houdinette - Sweden - Norrk?ping

Today, while driving home, I looked in the rear-view mirror and saw that my three-year-old daughter had managed to get out of her seat and had crawled to the back window. I pulled over and strapped her in again. Five minutes later she was back at the window. FML

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By marie0908 - France - Siros

Today, my 6-year-old son asked me what a "sex toy" was. Not really knowing what to tell him, I said it was a game. He's asked for one for Christmas. FML

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By smdh - United States

Today, my mother told me that my dead grandmother speaks to her. How? When she's thinking of her while brushing her teeth, her electric toothbrush will suddenly stop buzzing and this tells her her mother is communicating with her. FML

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By hannah - United Kingdom

Today, my friend finally convinced me that if I picked up her cat it wouldn't scratch my eyes out. It peed on me instead. FML

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By EB - United States

Today, I'm so broke, I asked my parents if they'd pay for me to go to the eye doctor and consider it my Christmas present. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, we got a new dry-erase board, and I drew the Gotham City skyline complete with the Bat Signal. Later, I went downstairs, only to find my mom had written "BATMAN'S GAY" over the top of the picture. FML

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By ugly - Australia

Today, I was at the hairdressers getting a trim. The lady doing my hair commented on how beautiful and luscious my hair was, which made me feel really good. I later overheard her telling her colleague that hair as nice as mine was wasted on someone with a face like mine. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my brother threw a mug at my head and threatened to stab anybody who came at him because I woke him up for school. I called the police after threats were thrown at my mom, who then lied to them and said I overreacted. I'm currently getting the silent treatment from my family. FML

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By Fatnlonely

Today, at a pool party, I had forgotten to bring a swim suit, so I went in in my bra and shorts. After everyone screaming and telling me to put my shirt back on, I asked, "Why? It's the same as a bikini." My best friend told me it was because no one wanted to see me topless. FML

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By RahiYeah09 - United States

Today, I was in the 'intimacy' section of Walmart. After grabbing 2 boxes of condoms and a vibrating ring I turn around to see my ex boyfriend's mom. I smile awkwardly and put my head down as I walk away, causing me to colide with his dad and send my 'goodies' all over the floor. FML

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By chawlay - United States

Today, I had to sift through hundreds of pages of legal documents. They were all written in Comic Sans font. FML

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By sarahc_c

Today, my boss commented on the fact that I don't usually wear makeup, then told me it would be much appreciated if I'd change that. FML

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By gutted - United Kingdom

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She promptly had a panic attack and screamed, "No!" FML

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By loves the smell of burning flesh - United States

Today, I drove past a fragrant steakhouse and my mouth began to water and my stomach started rumbling, which would've been perfectly fine if it wasn't for the fact that I'm a vegan and an animal lover. My confused body craves burning flesh. FML

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By CollegeKid

Today, I was in the hospital for 12 hours with unbearable stomach pain. Apparently I have a horrible infection in my intestines and colon. My mom is now accusing me of having anal sex and allowing a man to ejaculate into my bum. My great-grandma believes her. FML

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By FML - Finland

Today, I was told the Mandarin greeting that my new Chinese friends at school taught me was not really a greeting at all. I've been proclaiming "I'm a dumb bitch" every time I've greeted them, almost every day for the past month. FML

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By bingalingading - United States - Owosso

Today, I was working at a donation center. I was having a really rough day, so my fiancée dropped me off some cookies. At the end of my shift, the manager told me I couldn't take them home because they were donated and therefore they were "company property." FML

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By Brittany - United States

Today, my boyfriend's friends were throwing him a surprise birthday party. I thought it'd be funny to get him some fuzzy handcuffs and a box of condoms as a gift. They never told me they invited his parents. FML

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By pistonchamp159 - United States

Today, my husband woke me up at 3 AM by putting whipped cream on my hand and tickling my nose with a feather. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Burlington

Today, I went to a hockey game. While warm-ups were happening, my favourite player pointed at me and tossed me a puck. It bounced off my hand into another girl's, who was a fan of the other team. She refused to give it back, then walked away and said, "I can't wait to sell this on eBay." FML

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By sarahmaxine - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my girlfriend came over to meet my parents. Everything was going fine until she said she owned a dog. My mom then immediately attempted to check her scalp for lice. FML

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By cakestar9 - Ireland - Ennis

Today, I went to a club to celebrate New Year's Eve. A cute guy came up to me at the bar and asked my name. I thought my 8 year long dry spell was finally about to end. I smiled and said "Chrissy!" He said "That's a whore's name!" and wandered back off into the crowd. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, at work, we finally got a digital projector so our theater can show 3D movies. Our first movie is The Jonas Brothers Concert. FML

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By missedfistbump - United States

Today, I was talking to my boss and he said I was awesome. He went to fist bump me and I missed. FML

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By bummed and broke - United States

Today, I bought an $80, "invincible" phone case. One test drop later, my phone had turned into an expensive paperweight. FML

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By Anonypiss - Canada - Pembroke

Today, I was taking a piss at a urinal when a fly started harassing me. I got so annoyed, I tried to swat it. Didn't go too well. I ended up losing control of my stream, soaking the guy beside me. He busted my face in. FML

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By Alexandra - Lebanon

Today, I surprised my boyfriend by buying him an expensive watch for his birthday. He responded with "Aww, you could've just given me head, babe." FML

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By ameliaruth09 - United States - Milford

Today, while breast feeding my 7 month old before his nap, I hummed his favorite song as I rocked. He pulled away, stared at me, and cried til I shut up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at work, an old lady came through my line to buy some groceries. She told me she lost her purse and was a little short. It was busy, so I pulled out my little purse and gave her the money she needed. A few minutes later she returned with my boss, insisting that my purse was hers. FML

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By pretty poly - 10/11/2020 11:01

And today, on Dr Phil…

Today, my husband and I got into an argument. He wants to introduce our girlfriend to our kids and make her a part of our everyday family life. When we started this, I was under the impression that it was just a sex thing, and wouldn’t leave our bedroom. He wants to make her his second wife. FML

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By Noguestlist

Today, on the train, a cute girl gave me her number. After maybe half an hour, she went to her seat and I went to the toilet for a quick but loud and painful dump. I opened the door and saw her outside getting bitch-slapped by the smell. FML

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By vanilla_blossom - United States - Jackson

Today, I tried asking a guy I like on a date. He turned me down, saying that I "seem like a nice person and all", but after seeing those reality shows on truTV, he "would rather not date a Russian. No offense, though." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I woke up at 2:30 AM. Thinking I was going to be late for my 3:30 AM flight, I rushed into the bathroom to shower. As I came out of the shower, I slipped and broke my arm. I then realized my flight is tomorrow. FML

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Top comments

By dathan | 14

#4798672 - Saturday 11 August 2012 2:18

Great username :D Also, FYL.

By Xathanos | 16

#4798684 - Saturday 11 August 2012 2:19

Well you just gave her a ride she won't forget..

COMMENTS

By ThisWhorecrux | 1

#4798670 - Saturday 11 August 2012 2:17

First!

By dathan | 14

#4798672 - Saturday 11 August 2012 2:18

Great username :D Also, FYL.

Reply

random_jay | 6

#4800099 - Saturday 11 August 2012 5:57

Puke... I am your father

Reply

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#4801343 - Saturday 11 August 2012 16:33

Barf Vomitus would have been better surely?!

By danielnieves | 4

#4798679 - Saturday 11 August 2012 2:19

Lmfao!! That's great. Sucks you. Bet your chances went down the drain

Reply

NanillaVipples | 2

#4798873 - Saturday 11 August 2012 2:58

Judging by the FML I doubt that anyone was sucked that day.

Reply

zander4310 | 5

#4799131 - Saturday 11 August 2012 4:22

sucks you?

Reply

Sliver1991 | 26

#4800688 - Saturday 11 August 2012 10:23

Hey, do not judge harshly. Perhaps he/she/it is just going with the star wars trend of the first comment?

Sounds like Yoda to me.

By Xathanos | 16

#4798684 - Saturday 11 August 2012 2:19

Well you just gave her a ride she won't forget..

Reply

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#4801353 - Saturday 11 August 2012 16:36

Instead of the ride you wanted to give her, that she won't forget.

By bReLiNg | 18

#4798722 - Saturday 11 August 2012 2:24

Apologize? Give her your shirt! Show off a lil :p

Reply

kittytub | 12

#4798805 - Saturday 11 August 2012 2:39

it probably has puke all over it.

Reply

DerpinaDerpton | 8

#4798893 - Saturday 11 August 2012 3:02

The puke gives it novelty.
Their first time together.

Reply

kittytub | 12

#4800235 - Saturday 11 August 2012 6:35

haha, frame it and never wash it. like a trophy.

By ManInTheMachine | 19

#4798739 - Saturday 11 August 2012 2:25

How cute! Instead of a first kiss, you guys have a first barf! Just pray to God your crush is into that kind of thing.

Reply

Inheritance | 10

#4799749 - Saturday 11 August 2012 4:54

If that happened to me id probably cry of embarrassment and leave depressed..

Reply

SystemofaBlink41 | 27

#4802436 - Saturday 11 August 2012 23:47

A few days ago I ALMOST barfed on a girl's face ... I can't even stand to imagine what would've happened if I did...

By MissMae93 | 23

#4798744 - Saturday 11 August 2012 2:26

Oh yuck. I feel bad for you, OP. Offer your sincerest apologies, hopefully she'll shrug it off!

By purpledrizzle | 5

#4798747 - Saturday 11 August 2012 2:26

Darth Vomitus = Epicness. FYL but your username is completely awesome

By matt98_fml | 13

#4798760 - Saturday 11 August 2012 2:31

If it was the xcellerator, I know what you mean....

By hazydaze | 9

#4798821 - Saturday 11 August 2012 2:42

If she's understanding and cool she will accept your apology. If she accepts it, tell her you want to make it up to her by taking her on a nice date. Just don't puke this time(;