Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. I thought it was all going really well, until I looked up a minute or two in, only to be greeted by a stone-cold death glare and the words, "You really are an idiot, aren't you?" FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I kissed my girlfriend for the first time. She recoiled in horror and asked if someone had taken a shit in my mouth. FML
Today, I was all set to lose my virginity to my girlfriend. I was ecstatic, until she threatened to "beat the fuck" out of me if I didn't make it good for her. The actual sex was 30 seconds of me being given death glares, causing me to lose my boner, and have to leave in shame. FML
Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. The words "Christ, Jeff. It's a vagina, not a burrito. CALM DOWN!" were spoken. FML
Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. I went slowly to build up the excitement, and I thought it was working really well, until he sighed, "For fuck's sake, it's a dick, not a shotgun." and told me to stop embarrassing him. FML
Today, my girlfriend was giving me amazing head. I was really getting into it, when she looked up, and gave me a thumbs up. I can never take oral sex seriously again. FML
Today, I was making out with my girlfriend for the first time, and she reached down to feel me up. When her hands got there, she stopped and said, "You're not even hard..." I was. FML
Today, my girlfriend of two years and I decided to have sex for the first time. When we were in the room, finally ready to start, she confessed that she had never seen a penis before. To make her more comfortable, I showed her mine. At the sight of it, well, she actually fainted. FML
Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. Let's just say pubes and toilet paper residue were the least of my problems. FML
Today, I woke up to a really cold feeling down below. I opened my eyes and saw my girlfriend grinning like a maniac and holding my crotch-sausage between two scissor blades. I screamed in terror like a little bitch, and she says I'm never gonna live this down. FML
Today, I went all the way for the first time with my girlfriend. After I had finished, she asked me, "What just happened? Was that sex?" I wasn't sure either. FML
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Top comments
Spongii101 12
What the hell were you doing to her?!
DomDomxoxo 16
That's pretty harsh, at least you tried it out for her. I know some guys who always expect head and don't give anything back...
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Comments (155)
noisebox 1
Did the smell of rotten fish knock out you and make you go in and out of consciousness?
Sir_Swaggington 6
What a bitch dude, get rid of her. FYL. I wonder what exactly you were doing to get that reaction though cuz it's not hard lol. Practice makes perfect I guess, but I hope next time you'll be practicing with someone else because she is a bitch. A decent girl wouldve helped you get it right.
Iniezian 18
Find another girl, bring her home just before your girlfriend is due to get back, when she comes back and sees you eating out this other girl on the kitchen table, ask "Am I doing it right now"?
jimbob_76592 5
#125 made a good suggestion, I'd try that one. FYL though
Sir_Swaggington 6
This is genius lol
popo6484 3
Wrong hole huh?:(
kev1995 4
I hope you weren't being an asshole, literally!
HarleyQuinnFox 10
some girls are such bitches. they expect every guy to give them head on the spot and do it perfectly until they say stop, but even suggest asking for a ******** and they dump you for being sleezy. with all the little bitches out there i am ashamed to be a girl sometimes
Sir_Swaggington 6
Aren't you cool
Freakophiliac 12
What kind of strange world do you live in?!
mrsmaglietta 6
your girl sounds like a bitch shes gotta show u what she likes pay attention to body language
Freakophiliac 12
Seriously, the only thing that can justify a comment like that is if you were doing something truly stupid. Like biting her.
jayzyone 4
Huum, guess you weren't doing something right. Swallow your pride and ask her to explain exactly what you were doing wrong - and pay attention to what she says. We all have to learn somewhere some time. Maybe your turn to teach will come when she gives you head.
_ayeshann 0
haaa! its really not hard though..