Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. I thought it was all going really well, until I looked up a minute or two in, only to be greeted by a stone-cold death glare and the words, "You really are an idiot, aren't you?" FML
Collection
Wild Nights Out
Last call, bad decisions and 3 a.m. texts you'll regret until noon. Cheers.
Today, I kissed my girlfriend for the first time. She recoiled in horror and asked if someone had taken a shit in my mouth. FML
Today, I was all set to lose my virginity to my girlfriend. I was ecstatic, until she threatened to "beat the fuck" out of me if I didn't make it good for her. The actual sex was 30 seconds of me being given death glares, causing me to lose my boner, and have to leave in shame. FML
Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. The words "Christ, Jeff. It's a vagina, not a burrito. CALM DOWN!" were spoken. FML
Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. I went slowly to build up the excitement, and I thought it was working really well, until he sighed, "For fuck's sake, it's a dick, not a shotgun." and told me to stop embarrassing him. FML
Today, my girlfriend was giving me amazing head. I was really getting into it, when she looked up, and gave me a thumbs up. I can never take oral sex seriously again. FML
Today, I was making out with my girlfriend for the first time, and she reached down to feel me up. When her hands got there, she stopped and said, "You're not even hard..." I was. FML
Today, my girlfriend of two years and I decided to have sex for the first time. When we were in the room, finally ready to start, she confessed that she had never seen a penis before. To make her more comfortable, I showed her mine. At the sight of it, well, she actually fainted. FML
Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. Let's just say pubes and toilet paper residue were the least of my problems. FML
Today, I woke up to a really cold feeling down below. I opened my eyes and saw my girlfriend grinning like a maniac and holding my crotch-sausage between two scissor blades. I screamed in terror like a little bitch, and she says I'm never gonna live this down. FML
Today, I went all the way for the first time with my girlfriend. After I had finished, she asked me, "What just happened? Was that sex?" I wasn't sure either. FML
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Top comments
Spongii101 12
What the hell were you doing to her?!
DomDomxoxo 16
That's pretty harsh, at least you tried it out for her. I know some guys who always expect head and don't give anything back...
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Comments (155)
VioletPotter57 1
Sounds like she's hard to please
xdaftpunkxloverx 10
Wow, that was so uncalled for. She could have been more compassionate to her own boyfriend and patiently explained what you were doing wrong. I'm sorry that happened. =(
mycatsaysmeow 7
Hold up, before I say she's a bitch, what the hell did you do?
TSSlsx427 0
Oh my gosh /: Even if you bit her, that's no way to talk to your boyfriend. I see so many girls nowadays treating their boyfriends badly, it's sad. There's no reason to talk to your significant other like that. At least, I would certainly never treat my boyfriend like that. Get a better girl, bro.
blahblah5743794 19
In my opinion sexual education classes should not only teach you about sex and the dangers, but also what to do.
alyKATANA1 12
You'll get the hang of it, and so will she
penguin_bitchez 15
She sounds like a bitch
Bluedy 17
I don't know if that's an Undertale refrence, or...
KillMePlsKThx 7
You dating flowey or something?
Skweekr 8
Flowey please