Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. I thought it was all going really well, until I looked up a minute or two in, only to be greeted by a stone-cold death glare and the words, "You really are an idiot, aren't you?" FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I kissed my girlfriend for the first time. She recoiled in horror and asked if someone had taken a shit in my mouth. FML
Today, I was all set to lose my virginity to my girlfriend. I was ecstatic, until she threatened to "beat the fuck" out of me if I didn't make it good for her. The actual sex was 30 seconds of me being given death glares, causing me to lose my boner, and have to leave in shame. FML
Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. The words "Christ, Jeff. It's a vagina, not a burrito. CALM DOWN!" were spoken. FML
Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. I went slowly to build up the excitement, and I thought it was working really well, until he sighed, "For fuck's sake, it's a dick, not a shotgun." and told me to stop embarrassing him. FML
Today, my girlfriend was giving me amazing head. I was really getting into it, when she looked up, and gave me a thumbs up. I can never take oral sex seriously again. FML
Today, I was making out with my girlfriend for the first time, and she reached down to feel me up. When her hands got there, she stopped and said, "You're not even hard..." I was. FML
Today, my girlfriend of two years and I decided to have sex for the first time. When we were in the room, finally ready to start, she confessed that she had never seen a penis before. To make her more comfortable, I showed her mine. At the sight of it, well, she actually fainted. FML
Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. Let's just say pubes and toilet paper residue were the least of my problems. FML
Today, I woke up to a really cold feeling down below. I opened my eyes and saw my girlfriend grinning like a maniac and holding my crotch-sausage between two scissor blades. I screamed in terror like a little bitch, and she says I'm never gonna live this down. FML
Today, I went all the way for the first time with my girlfriend. After I had finished, she asked me, "What just happened? Was that sex?" I wasn't sure either. FML
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Top comments
Spongii101 12
What the hell were you doing to her?!
DomDomxoxo 16
That's pretty harsh, at least you tried it out for her. I know some guys who always expect head and don't give anything back...
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Comments (155)
Tempest559 12
Sounds like you tossed your first salad. Sorry, now go brush your teeth.
BubbleGrunge 18
What a bitch. She could have at least taken the opportunity to show you what she likes and how she likes it. God, I'm sorry OP, how rude!
EagorLuvsBigFoot 8
Her pussy was not pleased
oh_lordy_me 18
What were you doing???
benhemon 4
That's kind of a red flag. That kind of comment shows actual contempt, which is basically the worst dynamic that can exist in a relationship. Though also, read up on it; it really isn't hard to do. But also consider getting rid of her, especially if this isn't an isolated incident. That's a huge red flag.
DoxIxHAVExTo 10
Yeah. I really hope the OP sees this comment, because this is pretty serious and he can be setting himself up to have a very very VERY bad relationship with this girl. Sorry OP :/
MedKits 9
That's a huge red flag? What, are you from Cosmo?
cgh14 4
Wrong hole?
jgriff79 23
Sounds like you 9 volted her!
souljacker 11
That's pretty harsh. If someone spoke to me like that I wouldn't be sticking around to finish the job.
_Awesomeness_ 4
Its okay I'm sure she will react better next time. :)
captain__jj 5
If that were me, there definitely wouldn't be a "next time," that bitch would be gone.
slickchrome 11
Wtf was she expecting on ur first try? Bitch.