Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. I thought it was all going really well, until I looked up a minute or two in, only to be greeted by a stone-cold death glare and the words, "You really are an idiot, aren't you?" FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, I kissed my girlfriend for the first time. She recoiled in horror and asked if someone had taken a shit in my mouth. FML
Today, I was all set to lose my virginity to my girlfriend. I was ecstatic, until she threatened to "beat the fuck" out of me if I didn't make it good for her. The actual sex was 30 seconds of me being given death glares, causing me to lose my boner, and have to leave in shame. FML
Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. The words "Christ, Jeff. It's a vagina, not a burrito. CALM DOWN!" were spoken. FML
Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. I went slowly to build up the excitement, and I thought it was working really well, until he sighed, "For fuck's sake, it's a dick, not a shotgun." and told me to stop embarrassing him. FML
Today, my girlfriend was giving me amazing head. I was really getting into it, when she looked up, and gave me a thumbs up. I can never take oral sex seriously again. FML
Today, I was making out with my girlfriend for the first time, and she reached down to feel me up. When her hands got there, she stopped and said, "You're not even hard..." I was. FML
Today, my girlfriend of two years and I decided to have sex for the first time. When we were in the room, finally ready to start, she confessed that she had never seen a penis before. To make her more comfortable, I showed her mine. At the sight of it, well, she actually fainted. FML
Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. Let's just say pubes and toilet paper residue were the least of my problems. FML
Today, I woke up to a really cold feeling down below. I opened my eyes and saw my girlfriend grinning like a maniac and holding my crotch-sausage between two scissor blades. I screamed in terror like a little bitch, and she says I'm never gonna live this down. FML
Today, I went all the way for the first time with my girlfriend. After I had finished, she asked me, "What just happened? Was that sex?" I wasn't sure either. FML
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Top comments
Spongii101 12
What the hell were you doing to her?!
DomDomxoxo 16
That's pretty harsh, at least you tried it out for her. I know some guys who always expect head and don't give anything back...
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Comments (155)
CanyonRose 16
Were you licking her arsehole or something???
Connect 10
If you use some fingers meanwhile at least shes got something when you can't find her clit. You shouldn't be able to mess that up.
love_me_electric 20
I don't get how some men can't 'find' the ********. It's in the same spot on every woman, we shouldn't need to draw you guys a map.
Connect 10
Clearly the poor guy couldn't.
mbuck87 19
Don't get tips from ****, they do it wrong just so the camera can see. Every time I watch with my chick she tells me all about how it wouldn't even feel good haha
nikkinurse 10
She should give u direction not harsh criticism- that's so mean- if u did that to her while she was giving u head she would have slapped u
JCxParkour 3
I think that was a bit harsh. First time for both? Or just you? No worries, practice makes perfect, but like everyone else has stated before, pay attention to the body language. But FYL. I don't think the hostility was appropriate.
TrafalgarLaw_fml 4
Yup, you're doing it wrong.. Very wrong..
DataWog 30
In all fairness, that shit is HARD. The ******** is only about the size of a pea when fully aroused. My boyfriend is actually quite skilled in bed (I was a virgin, he's had more satisfied partners than he can count), and he STILL hasn't given me an ****** after almost 6 months of being physical. And yes, he is more than eager to go down, that is not an issue. Lady, if you can't accept the fact that your genitals are a combination of rubix cube, chinese puzzle box and Where's Waldo, you need a serious wakeup call. Possibly a bitchslap. Only ONCE have I gotten truly frustrated during oral, so much we didn't even get to the main activity, and I was mainly frustrated at my body's own disability to experience pleasure than anything else. Seriously, he'd been at it for at least 20 minutes and I'd come really close 10 times (or at least what felt like it), so when I got really close and then lost it AGAIN I nearly screamed and felt like crying. Buck up, man. Read up, practice, check some anatomy texts if you need some help finding the best spots, and remember to practice the Alphabet ;) If she can't deal with the truth of her own privates, she's better off single with a vibe.
challan 19
my mother is a sexual advisor for women of all ages. I know more about self stimulation and oral sex then any person ever needs to know. but... Im a happy girl. If you would like some hints, message me, I can't put them out here. Will definitely help your man out.
morganhchs 5
it's not that complex dude. you just suck at it.
WinterSecrets 3
Explain?
OhSunshinex3 13
Practice makes perfect.
delightfultwist 5
what a twat. she could have told u what she wanted.
Sai_Run614 7
I recomend south park bigger longer and uncut.