Today, after days of cleaning out pantry cabinets and throwing...

By mottephobe - 6/11/2015 06:19 - United States - Carlsbad

Today, after days of cleaning out pantry cabinets and throwing away infested food, I thought I had finally gotten rid of my moth problem. Then I vacuumed, and saw several dozen larvae coming out of my carpet. FML

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Miscellaneous

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Not a cheating!

Great guy

By Lexiebear27 - 19/9/2011 15:56 - United States

Today, I was fired for being a very happy and perky employee. According to my boss, it freaks both the customers and my co-workers out. FML

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By baldintheback - 15/8/2009 19:21 - United States

Today, my sister and I were reading the new FML posts. I sat close to the fan, and after a few minutes, I leaned against it for support. It immediatly sucked up my hair and started violently twisting it. My sister continued to read and shouted at me because my cries for help are distracting. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/3/2009 20:19 - United States

Today, I found my concert tickets that I've been trying to find for the last 2 weeks in my mom's closet. When I asked why she had them, she said she felt the concert was inappropriate for me so she hid them. I'm 20. FML

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By And I'm still single - 24/3/2013 08:59 - United States - Mission Viejo

Today, I found out that my picture from a dating profile was so "hilarious" that people have been posting it on Instagram with mean captions. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/5/2013 19:35 - United States - Bellevue

Today, my girlfriend and I were at the river. She threw mud on me, so I playfully threw some on her, and we got into a mud fight. Apparently, she took the "fight" seriously, because I'm now single. FML

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By Apcn - 5/6/2014 20:05 - France - Concarneau

Today, my boyfriend bought yet another video game and played it all afternoon. Unlike me, our parrot is taking this situation rather well: for the past two hours he's been repeating, over and over, "EA Sports, it's in the game." FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2009 14:48 - United States

Today, I decided I would eat healthy in order to lose weight. Feeling powerful, I threw away all of the icecream in my freezer. An hour later, I picked the icecream carton out of the garbage and ate the entire half-melted carton. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2011 05:15 - United States

Today, we got a speeding ticket in the mail with my drunk daughter's picture on it. She was waving at the camera. FML

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By daddyslittlegirl250 - 5/5/2009 02:41 - United States

Today, we watched a movie in French class. I went on a French exchange last year, so I wanted to sound all impressive and cultured for my crush who is in the same class. I said that it was my favorite movie and I couldn't wait to watch it with everyone. The movie turned out to be about incest. FML

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By Flip - 2/5/2012 05:06 - France

Today, to avoid looking like a loser in front of his friends who all have girlfriends, my brother made up a perfect relationship. He asked me to give him a hickey in exchange for 50 euros. Our parents walked in on us. FML

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By Sleep Deprived - 25/12/2011 05:27 - United States

Today, I was awoken by my wife, once again. It seems that whenever I stop snoring, she thinks I died so she has to wake me to make sure I'm still living. She does this almost every night, every hour. FML

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By Meagan smith - 24/8/2011 20:33 - United States

Today, I started my new job as a teacher. Worried about how I looked, I asked a coworker if I looked okay. She said, "You look fine. Just like a normal high school kid." I spent the next half hour convincing her that I was not a student, but a teacher. FML

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By icarlymom - 5/3/2010 06:10 - United States

Today, my 18 year old daughter comes home telling me she has been fired from her job at McDonalds. The reason? They had ICarly happy meal toys and she couldn't resist stealing one. FML

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By Danana - 26/1/2009 21:08 - Canada

Today, one of the kids I was babysitting tried to hard boil eggs using the microwave. You cannot hard boil eggs using the microwave. It makes a mess. This we have learned. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/12/2010 05:09 - United States

Today, a man dressed as Santa Claus walked by me, grabbing my butt. He smelled of pipe tobacco and pee. He pulled me close to him and whispered, "I bet you're naughty but you feel so nice." I looked dumbfounded at him as he winked and yelled, "You're on my list." FML

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By Cam - 14/1/2020 05:00 - Sri Lanka - Colombo

Long secret

Today, I realized that my boyfriend is still scared of his ex. It's been 8 months and our relationship is still "secret." Why? Because he's scared that she will find out and tell his family about us. FML

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By the dead never die - 9/7/2019 22:00

Today, after over a dozen separate blood tests, my doctor told me conclusively that my results are perfectly normal for a middle-aged woman in the early stages of pregnancy. Problem is, I’m a 24-year-old guy, so my doctor is very concerned. FML

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By Dang-ItsDanielle - 7/3/2009 18:28 - United States

Today, I was pushing my 4 year old on the swing. I did what we call our "under doggie push": I throw her up in the air while I run underneath her before she hits me coming back down. I walked away to get my water and she yelled across the park "Can we do it doggie-style again?" FML

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By liquidknight - 10/9/2012 12:48 - United States

Today, while trying to change my visiting cousin's opinion about our state being "redneck and white trash", we stumbled upon a proposal/celebration in a Walmart. So much for changing her opinion. FML

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By torkx3 - 21/7/2009 20:22 - United States

Today, a resident went missing at our nursing home. When I found him, a man in a blue shirt and red pants, he started yelling at me in confusion. I just thought it was his alzheimers. When I brought him to my administrator, I was told the missing resident was wearing a red shirt and blue pants. Wrong guy. FML

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By my_way_1213 - 9/6/2018 20:30

Smart kid.

Today, at 2 in the afternoon, I walked in on my 6-year-old making coffee. When I asked what he was doing, he said, "You were being grumpy, and you said coffee makes you not so grumpy." FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2017 14:44

Today, I had to follow a diversion route home due to roadworks. It took me an hour longer than usual to get home. Too bad it turns out that the diversion was only for traffic, not people walking. FML

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By Nosexytime - 14/1/2010 15:56 - United States

Today, for my boyfriends 21st birthday, I wore sexy lingerie, put on a naughty librarian outfit and did a strip tease for him. He just laughed. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2019 14:00

Caddy Shack

Today, I've had people calling the golf course just to ask what the weather's going to be like tomorrow. I’m a golf professional, not the weather man. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2009 14:09 - United States

Today, I came home from a two-week overseas business trip. My wife was at work, but she came home for lunch. When she came in, she brushed right past me to hug and talk to her dog. When I mentioned it, she said, "But I haven't seen him all day!" FML

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By sad face - 7/3/2012 19:25 - Canada

Today, my history teacher confiscated my iPhone. She dropped it on the way back to her desk, and I now have a shattered iPhone screen to fix. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/2/2011 21:47 - United States

Today, I woke up from my honeymoon to discover the love of my life is a bed wetter. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/2/2010 15:20 - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered everyone at work refers to me as 'The Man-Lady'. I work in a supermarket's beauty department. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2011 23:18 - United States

Today, I was fired from the trucking company I work for, due to numerous complaints about my reckless driving. I don't even do driving work there, but my ex keeps calling in to report me, and my boss wanted the calls to stop. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2009 21:50 - United States

Today, after driving a few hours late at night I decided to entertain the car tailgating me by not letting him pass. After doing this for 3miles, reaching 93MPH, I decided to let the car pass me. When I switched lanes, the car tailgating me light up in red and blue. It was a cop. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2016 16:58

Today, I bumped into my English teacher at an AA meeting. FML

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By Kristopher - 8/3/2010 19:31 - United States

Today, I moved into my aunt's house. She had a little too much fun in the sixties and now tells everyone about her many imagined conquests, including her church minister and several has-been celebrities. As a plus, I discovered she has a habit of wandering around the house in the nude. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2015 23:58

Today, while on my driving test, the guy told me to pull over and do a U-turn. A few minutes later, he asked me to do another one. After the test, he said I'd failed because the second U-turn was illegal, and I should have refused to comply. I didn't know they're even allowed do that. FML

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By F U mil - 12/8/2020 23:05

I'll get right on it, chief

Today, my mother-in-law called me selfish, lazy and a bad mother for giving my kids chores, like picking up toys and shoes. When we got married, my husband didn’t even know how to load a dishwasher or run a load of laundry. According to her, a "real mother" waits on her family hand and foot. Yeah, OK. FML

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By NotAnExcuse - 7/11/2012 05:58 - United States

Today, a woman on the train demanded I give up my seat for her, claiming it was for people with disabilities. Tired from a long day at work, and seeing she had nothing wrong with her, I asked what her disability was. Apparently, obesity is one. FML

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By lotd - 31/7/2012 23:28 - United Kingdom - Henley On Thames

Today, as I sat down for my flight, I realised that the passenger I had to sit next to for the next seven hours was wearing a necklace made from tampon packaging. FML

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By oldschool - 23/1/2010 02:10 - United States

Today, I was picking up my little sister from school and while waiting I decided to have a smoke. I was caught and was told to go to the principal's office. I'm 23. FML

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By badluckantonio - 25/8/2011 05:29 - Canada

Today, I was taking out the garbage at work when I slipped and fell into the garbage container. The scent was so bad that a bus driver denied me a ride home. FML

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By hannah12345 - 26/2/2010 17:54 - France

Today, my mother walked in on my boyfriend licking whipped cream off my nipples. FML

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By NoKeyNoCar - 13/8/2009 06:42 - United States

Today, I rented a car that has a smart key. The proximity of the key determines if the doors will unlock. I went to a meeting and returned to the car with the trunk popped open and all my luggage gone. The rental company decided to store a spare key in the glovebox for safe keeping. FML

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Top comments

By Emmamazing | 26

#6455030 - Friday 6 November 2015 11:52

I think you need an exterminator. That sounds like a pretty bad infestation

By logank013 | 20

#6455034 - Friday 6 November 2015 11:59

Do you happen to live in a cabin in the woods?

COMMENTS

By Emmamazing | 26

#6455030 - Friday 6 November 2015 11:52

I think you need an exterminator. That sounds like a pretty bad infestation

lexiieeex3 | 32

#6455130 - Friday 6 November 2015 14:45

Throw out the carpet and fucking run.

higgysaurus | 18

#6455395 - Friday 6 November 2015 21:10

I would at least be happy it isn't like wasps or spiders or some bug that can actually hurt you.

By shewenttojareds | 16

#6455031 - Friday 6 November 2015 11:52

Aren't you supposed to clean your house on the daily? You slacking.

SoulEaterSE | 23

#6455036 - Friday 6 November 2015 12:01

Who the hell cleans daily?

teentee401 | 36

#6455037 - Friday 6 November 2015 12:02

Honestly, who has the time?

cheeeksss | 29

#6455046 - Friday 6 November 2015 12:21

I clean on the weekly. I try to have a life. I try.

freya1998 | 23

#6455939 - Saturday 7 November 2015 15:52

well, it sounds as if you don't really know either. the answer is no, you're not supposed to clean daily.

wchil | 14

#6455966 - Saturday 7 November 2015 16:49

js I clean monthly im not a slob who has to clean daily

By TeacherTeacher | 11

#6455033 - Friday 6 November 2015 11:55

Those moths are horrible. After I cleaned, I found some in a sealed tin of tea. Make sure you start putting everything in sealed containers from now on.