Today, I went to the mall. While shopping in a store, a woman...

By Not So Smart - 23/7/2010 23:47 - Canada

Today, I went to the mall. While shopping in a store, a woman bumped into me numerous times. Getting annoyed, I turned to her and loudly exclaimed, "Are you blind?!" Turns out she was. FML

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Health

Understandable

Live dumping

Fairytale ending

By Anonymous - 7/10/2010 00:48 - United States

Today, my parents gave me my birthday present. Two weeks ago, I ordered an xbox online. Three days ago, it came to my house, and my parents thought they could save money by putting wrapping paper on it, and giving it to me for my birthday. That's all they got me. FML

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By stonesober - 31/12/2010 01:32 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that "going for a meal and going out clubbing" for New Year's means me cooking for my mates and driving them to the pub. FML

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By a genius - 12/2/2009 13:28 - United States

Today, I lit a cigarette in the opposite direction of the wind. My hair blew into it, and caught on fire. FML

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By pwndbykidz - 9/8/2009 23:54 - Canada

Today, I found out the hot girl I'd been flirting with on Facebook is actually 3 10-year-olds who created a fake profile to see how many desperate losers would try to hook up with her. FML

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By afraid of flying too - 24/6/2013 23:24 - Canada - Fort Saint John

Today, I'm left with two non-refundable tickets to Jamaica, because my now ex-boyfriend said his Quidditch tournament is more important than seeing my "fat ass in a bikini". FML

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By soapisyourfriend - 16/2/2016 06:53 - United States - Ashland

Today, cable was installed at my house and the cable guy smelled like some horrid mix of cabbage and cheese. I'm pregnant and suffering from morning sickness. I've sprayed air freshener, lit candles, and opened windows despite the cold outside. I can't get rid of the smell. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2020 05:00

Nice pic

Today, for the first time in my life, I sent a member pic to a girl I had been talking to for a few days on Snapchat. (she had asked me for it). She saw the pic, and blocked me. FML

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By Spac3Ghost - 28/12/2010 17:08 - China

Today, I was having a conversation with my girlfriend about having kids. We were outside a hotel in front of those rotating glass doors. One of my friends ran at me as a joke, screaming like a caveman. I freaked out in a high pitched squeal, and tried to run inside the hotel. I ran in the wrong way. FML

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By Shiverice - 13/10/2012 11:22 - United States - Battle Creek

Today, I was babysitting four kids. I turned the TV on for them, and set the youngest on my lap. She started giggling and pointing at every single pimple I have, exclaiming "Boo-boo!" This went on for half an hour. FML

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By orgasmicriding - 22/12/2012 22:55 - United States - Wyandotte

Today, because my boyfriend drives a 2-seated sports car, I had to awkwardly sit on his brother's lap as we drove to the store. I soon felt a poking sensation through his pants, just a few minutes before we hit a bumpy road. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/5/2013 15:53 - United States

Today, my dad called me a "deadbeat loser" after I came back from my first day of voluntary rehab for my meth problem. He's never had a job in his life and sits on the sofa all day, smoking weed and playing video games, all on my mom's salary. FML

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By - 4/1/2009 15:18 - France

Today, I'm 20 years old and never been kissed. FML

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By smartgirl - 1/5/2009 23:48 - Canada

Today, at the awards ceremony at my school, I ended up winning the top achievement award in my grade. The principal spent at least ten minutes talking about my success to the audience, the whole time referring to me as a "he" as I stood right next to him. I'm a girl. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2011 07:29 - United States

Today, I was grounded for not agreeing with an article on dating my mom found in a very strict magazine. The article told parents to monitor phone calls, make rumors about their children cheating on people and not allow their children anywhere but home. FML

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By sandwhiched - 1/1/2015 08:52 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I went on a road trip with my boyfriend and his best friend. What I thought was going to be a great, fun time ended up with me alone in a car with two large men who wouldn't stop farting for 14 hours. FML

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By outplayed - 1/9/2017 16:00

Today, while reviewing boxes of motorcycle parts, I noticed my neighbor's daughter gleefully watching me. I jokingly said, "Wanna do this?" and she let out a loud squee and got to work alone. A few hours later, the bike was ready for a test run. I had no idea how to even start building it. She's 14. FML

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By mcdeez - 22/9/2009 02:06 - New Zealand

Today, I had to cover for my coworker who didn't turn up for work. He is always late for work and I was pissed off about having to cover for him again so I said to my colleagues "He better be either in hospital or dead." Turns out he was dead. FML

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By fml7458364838 - 25/6/2009 01:15 - United States

Today, I was texting the girl I am in love with. I was dropping hints about liking someone who I didn't know if they liked me back. Flirting a little. And just when I thought she'd say she liked me too, she said "Don't worry, if you were straight, I would definitely date you!". FML

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By WritesTooWell - 5/9/2013 23:27 - United States - Miami

Today, I got a message from my teacher about my homework. We were supposed to write an original myth explaining a natural event. My teacher bumped my grade for it down to a C for copying a myth that already exists. My myth was based on an original story I've been writing for two years. FML

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By confused_cashier - 12/6/2016 01:34 - United States - Herndon

Today, while working as a cashier at a fast food restaurant, a customer asked me how many chicken nuggets were in our 6 count chicken nuggets. FML

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By simon - 11/1/2018 06:00

Today, my mother, who insists on sticking her nose into every aspect of my life, found out I'm only "middle management" and called my boss to criticize her for undervaluing me, demanding I be promoted immediately. I am now the laughingstock of my office. FML

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By Rich - 26/11/2011 20:50 - United States

Today, I admitted to my wife that I'd really like to get a Prius, but I was worried that if I did, everyone would question my sexuality. She told me, "I don't know why you care, everyone already thinks you're gay." FML

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By Anonymous - 7/4/2014 23:24 - United States - Pleasantville

Today, I was given a call home, a 3-day-suspension, and a week of detention in school for a "serious violation of the code of conduct." Said violation? Jogging in the middle of the hall. FML

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By kelster - 29/9/2019 06:01

Good job

Today, my roommate has a job interview. He only applied to the job yesterday. Meanwhile, I've been out of work for three weeks. I've applied to at least ten jobs. I have yet to get a call-back from any of them. FML

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By lessinterestingthanadog - 8/11/2009 05:28 - United States

Today, I invited the guy I've been seeing to my home for the first time. He spent over an hour talking to my twelve-year-old dog. Occasionally he would look up to ask me a question, but when I answered he would just continue talking to the dog. FML

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By Lootz - 3/5/2009 17:10 - United States

Today, I went to my girlfriend's sorority formal, we were both drunk. We went into the bathroom, she started to give me head. After about 30 seconds the song changes and she jumps up and goes out to dance, leaving me there. Door open. Penis out. It was the song she requested. FML

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By Enragedbitch - 20/10/2012 08:49 - United States - Torrance

Today, my husband informed me that he recently slept with a secretary of his to become better at sex for me. I don't know what's worse, the fact that he cheated on me or that he seriously believes that he has a reasonable excuse. FML

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By oface13 - 16/4/2012 08:12 - United States

Today, I held up my best friend with a lighter shaped like a gun, and jokingly accused him of sleeping with my wife, only to have him admit that he really did. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2012 00:12 - United States

Today, wanting to be romantic, I came home with flowers, and told my girlfriend I love her and that I never want us to fall apart. Before I could finish my second sentence, she farted, said, "Aww, that's so sweet" and quickly excused herself to the bathroom. FML

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By megan228 - 20/3/2009 21:16 - United States

Today, my older brother and some of his cute friends came over. When we got inside my mom yells to me "I got you some bigger tampons because you leaked all over your new underwear." They all started laughing. FML

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By Tiredoftrying - 11/2/2019 10:00 - Australia

Today, I received my fourth rejection email from McDonald's after applying for one position with them a few weeks ago. FML

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By tortured - 10/9/2018 15:00

Today, despite using deodorant religiously and showering twice a day, my roommate still smells so bad that every time she enters the room I become physically sick. FML

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By thirdwheel - 9/7/2013 11:05 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I finally worked up the courage to ask my crush to a movie. What I didn't realise is that she would bring a "friend" along, and that I would have to sit next to them making out for 2 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/1/2015 23:24 - Sweden - Huddinge

Today, I realized why you should never wear a thong under yoga pants that are a couple of sizes too small. It's a weird thing, seeing your co-worker's anus. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/4/2012 00:13 - United States - San Mateo

Today, my boyfriend gave me a $100 gift card for Victoria's Secret. Suspicious, I checked the receipt he'd left in the bag. Turns out he had bought it during the 2 weeks we were broken up for some other girl who rejected him, so decided to give it to me instead. FML

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By helen_ - 23/4/2009 15:51 - United States

Today, I had to go to my 10 year old son's school to talk about my job being a chef. As I was almost finished, I asked the kids "What would you like to do when you grow up?" Without hesitation one kid replied with a straight face , "Anything but being a douchebag like you." FML

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By clewie - 31/8/2019 00:01 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. My dad showed up to my birthday dinner wasted, was loud and obnoxious the whole time, sexually harassed our waitress, then invited my annoying, bratty nephews to come home and spend the night with us. They're sleeping in my room. Happy birthday to me. FML

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By drucle - 18/3/2016 12:49 - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, I found out that my sister's kids refer to me as their 'Druncle'. I guess I have to admit to myself that I'm an alcoholic. FML

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By hoogimo - 24/11/2010 10:55

Today, after buying my girlfriend a $700 bracelet for Christmas, I hinted that I wanted a pair of Oakleys. She told me I shouldn't get her anything and that I should expect even less. FML

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By Jacqueline H'ghar - 30/7/2016 08:56 - New Zealand

Today, I missed my bus to the doctor's office for my scheduled pap test. I was so desperate, I called my deadbeat mom to ask for a ride. She said "Virgins don't need pap tests", laughed, then hung up on me. FML

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Top comments

By twinny_sc | 13

#1132365 - Saturday 24 July 2010 9:07

Oh you...you...you BITCH!

By lovestrong | 0

#1132406 - Saturday 24 July 2010 9:11

Look before you speak.
Hold your tongue for lessons to be learned.
You ignorant shitface :D

COMMENTS

By hackymeal | 0

#1132361 - Saturday 24 July 2010 9:07

agreed with 1

By twinny_sc | 13

#1132365 - Saturday 24 July 2010 9:07

Oh you...you...you BITCH!

Granddragon | 0

#1132950 - Saturday 24 July 2010 10:25

TIMMAY!!!!!!

By hsshae | 0

#1132367 - Saturday 24 July 2010 9:07

that's when you jump off the 2nd floor

epr | 0

#1132468 - Saturday 24 July 2010 9:15

3rd floor would have worked better.

hsshae | 0

#1132507 - Saturday 24 July 2010 9:19

most malls around my area have 2 floors =( but the op should still die

epr | 0

#1132544 - Saturday 24 July 2010 9:23

Might as well count the roof.

By xyadove | 8

#1132372 - Saturday 24 July 2010 9:08

Hmmm, was that person the ONLY blind one?

By lovestrong | 0

#1132406 - Saturday 24 July 2010 9:11

Look before you speak.
Hold your tongue for lessons to be learned.
You ignorant shitface :D

te_amo_ily | 0

#1132445 - Saturday 24 July 2010 9:13

hahaha shitface xD

dancingxthexmoon | 0

#1133847 - Saturday 24 July 2010 17:07

shitface with that. :D. expression cracks me up!

By OwNowBrownCow | 0

#1132413 - Saturday 24 July 2010 9:11

You must have felt bad didn't you OP?

By arc794 | 0

#1132436 - Saturday 24 July 2010 9:13

Are you an asshole?! Yes, yes you are.

By stormin972 | 0

#1132447 - Saturday 24 July 2010 9:13

A rude Canadian, eh?

TheIrishJaneDoe | 8

#1134290 - Saturday 24 July 2010 19:29

Has to be an American expat. ;)

By ilovejonathan13 | 0

#1132458 - Saturday 24 July 2010 9:14

Jerk much? Why didn't you look? If I was the woman I would of been like "Yeah, but I don't need to see to realize your ugly". (;

By dudeitsdanny | 9

#1132460 - Saturday 24 July 2010 9:14

Roid rage much?
Or PMS?
Menopause perhaps?
Or was she giving you insta-boners?

Chill out, and this stuff doesn't happen. It's not like she was doing it on purpose.

julie3841 | 11

#1133384 - Saturday 24 July 2010 13:28

roid rage. heheh xD