Miscellaneous: Today, I was walking whilst texting. I thought I was going in... - FML

By absentmindedmoron - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking whilst texting. I thought I was going in a straight line but I ended up walking right into an open phone booth. A woman was inside making a phone call. I lost my balance, pinning her up against the wall. She thought I was attacking her and clobbered me with the receiver. FML

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And today, on Dr Phil…

Own it

Roommate from hell

By nootnoot - New Zealand - Tauranga

Today, some people in my class here in New Zealand found out that I'm from Canada, then spent the rest of the period asking if I had a pet moose and whether or not I lived in an igloo. They were completely genuine questions. FML

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By hellphone_fml

Today, my brother's new kitten decided to bring me a gift as a sign of love. It was my pet hamster. FML

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By zachhewett - United States - Birmingham

Sampled

Today, at my job drug testing high schoolers, I see that one of the kids selected for the testing looked incredibly high. So, after he goes in the bathroom and gives me his cup with his urine inside, I take a closer look and see that the little shit jizzed in the cup. I hate my job. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got diarrhea while on a trip with my daughters. At our third stop, I had to sit in the stall listening to my 5 year-old informing everyone who came in that "mommy is stopping at EVERY bathroom to poop." FML

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By Anonymous - Brazil

Today, I had a going-away party because I am leaving the country forever. Out of the 130 people invited, 60 were a resounding "Yes! of course I will go!". After paying $300 for everything needed at the party, 2 ended up coming. And left because nobody else was there. FML

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By lumi - United States

Today, I received in the mail a hockey puck autographed by recent hall of fame addition Steve Yzerman. When asked, I had to explain to my 4 year old brother that someone famous had written his name on it. Later, I discovered that my brother decided it needed his name on it too. FML

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By can't eat paper - United States

Today, after a long day at work, I was starving, so I stopped by the drive-through for something to eat. When I got home and hurriedly opened the bag, all I found inside was napkins. Thanks, McDonald's. FML

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By ConstantChoas

Today, I found out the procedure manual I've been creating for months and finally finished is going to be used to train the person replacing me. FML

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By sprocket - Hong Kong

Today, I jokingly asked my boyfriend of one year, "Why is someone as smart, funny and as handsome as you with someone like me?" He replied, "Opposites attract." FML

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By Rosie J. - United States - Leawood

Today, I saw an older gentleman running through my store. I wasn't sure why he was running towards the front door until I looked at the floor and saw a poop trail behind him. The trail went from the front of the store all the way to the back of the store. Guess who had to get the mop and bucket. FML

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By Kristinmarsh08 - United States

Today, I texted my dad and told him I was getting married in five months. His reply: "I gotta work that day." FML

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By georgia819 - Australia

You owe me $5, kitty

Today, my cat was hit by a car. I took it to the vet expecting the worst but they told me that she’d be fine. I was so happy I didn't even mind paying the $50 bill. The next morning my cat was dead. Having her put down humanely would have cost $45, I paid $5 extra to have her die in my kitchen. FML

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By so_screwed - United States - Salinas

Today, my one-night stand decided he wanted to meet my parents. FML

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By Fooled Wife

Today, my husband was arrested on 2 felony charges in a sting. We've been married 5.5 years, had almost enough money for a down payment on a house, were trying to get pregnant, and had a non-refundable trip to London planned. We are now broke and on the verge of divorce. FML

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By kitkat545 - United States

Today, my husband called me from work just to chat. He asked what I had been up to today. I was feeling frisky so I told him all about how I had gotten horny, watched a porno and masturbated earlier. It wasn't until I heard the hoots and laughter that I realized he had me on speakerphone. FML

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By elena02 - United States - Wayne

Today, my house is so cold that I chipped a tooth from chattering so hard. FML

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By fuck off, dad - Colombia

Today, my dad had a chat with my fiancé, telling him he can do better than me, and to think carefully before going through with our wedding. FML

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By evilplatypus - United States - Cromwell

Today, after talking to my psychiatrist about a delusion I have - that I know is a delusion but simply can’t shake - he started frowning and pulled out the DSM-V. After thumbing through it for a while he looks at me and says, “That’s not in here.” FML

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By ashleyyyy - United States

Today, I was pulled over for going the wrong way on a closed highway. The construction signs pointed me in that direction, and the cop agreed that they should be fixed. Did it stop him from giving me a ticket anyway? Nope. FML

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By fucking mafia or what?? - United States - Marysville

Today, I opened the door to go out for groceries. Lying on my doorstep was a pile of poop. A piece of paper was taped to the ground beside it that read, "Do it again and you'll get more than dog shit." I don't have the slightest clue who I pissed off, or how. FML

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By lk07

Today, I got severe diarrhea in a public bathroom. I told my 6-year-old to stand directly outside the stall where I can see her shoes. She proceeded to inform everyone who came in that "Mommy has diarrhea." FML

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By throwinguptears - United States - Marlborough

Today, after $87, waiting five months and making sure everything was perfect, I was ready to go see my favorite comedian live. I got the flu. FML

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By GettingACat

Today, I found a mouse nest. In my glovebox. Made out of the $450 in rent money I was going to give my roommate that I had stored in there earlier for safe keeping. FML

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By woopdeedo_1 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a party and crashed on the bedroom floor. I woke up to sex noises coming from the bed. I pretended to still be asleep. I sent a text to my boyfriend to tell him about it. I heard his phone beep from over in the bed. FML

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By Onlymeiswear - 15/3/2021 05:01

Sounds like a scam

Today, I bought a car. Made a down payment and everything. Have the papers saying it’s mine, only to find out a few hours later it was sold right before I bought it. FML

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By Directionally challenged - United States

Good one, dude

Today, I started my new job as a mail carrier. One of my assigned roads was Milbrooke Street, which I'd never heard of. After driving around for ages trying to find it, I called for directions. The street doesn't exist in my city; it's just the boss's way of seeing how stupid you are. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fairbanks

Good morning!

Today, while I brewed myself a cup of coffee, my best friend began screwing around with a can opener like it was nunchucks. He looked at me and said, "Wouldn't it suck if-" as he flung it around and one of the handles flew off, directly into my testicles. FML

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By unicornlovet

Today, I was cleaning, anticipating my hypercritical in-laws coming to see our new house. Literally 10 minutes before they arrived, sewage backed up the basement drain. My father-in-law spent the entire visit commenting on the smell, and how he couldn’t use the washroom. FML

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By Me - United States

Today, I got to talk to the guy I like. Thinking it would be about something pleasant. I was completely wrong. It was about the guy who sits in front of me and his masturbation problem. FML

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By Journo - United States

Nice try

Today, after two months of unemployment, I got a call from a marketing firm offering me an interview for an entry-level position. While Googling the company, I discovered it's a scam. I graduated college in 3 years with a 3.5 GPA, and the only interview I can get is at a fake company. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2020 17:01

OK sweaty, time for a bath

Today, I realized my morbidly obese, sweaty sibling is the source of a strange waft I've been smelling when I get home. He'll only shower once a week, so the apartment and furniture smell like sweat and sometimes poo, especially on hot days. I didn't notice until I went outside and stepped back in to follow my nose. FML

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By thishasbeenaverytellingnight

Today, I was working in bed when my boyfriend stumbled in, drunk as hell. He got on top of me saying he wanted sex. After a moment, he paused and said, “Sorry, I thought you were Stephen.” I’m a girl. Stephen is my father. FML

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By whattheshit - United States

Today, I woke up early. As I was just about to fall back asleep, I was re-awoken to the sound of my parents doing it in the shower. FML

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By je suis christy - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, while heading to the bathroom, I saw my girlfriend putting some lingerie under my bed. I stupidly thought it was for some sexy time later. Well, later on, she dramatically "found" the lingerie and broke up with me. Almost everyone believes her story and thinks I'm a dirty cheater. FML

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By epicsquishii - United States - Riverbank

Today, my boyfriend yet again unsuccessfully tried to hold in uncontrollable giggling every time I moaned or sighed during sex. He's 24. I'm terrified of his reaction should I ever reach an orgasm with him. FML

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By N - United States - Glenwood Springs

Today, I paid 60 dollars for my senior yearbook. They forgot to put me in it. FML

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By confusedmofo - Indonesia

Today, I went out and met somebody. We got talking and we both realized we are each the ideal romantic partner for the other. The only problem is we are both straight men. FML

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By thjeltz - Canada

Today, I was showering at hockey practice. It would have been business as usual, if not for one of my teammates playing with his junk and not-so-subtly asked me to connect. There are 5 more months of hockey. FML

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By hellosaila - United States

Today, I met this really attractive guy who introduced himself as Wyan. He was really cool and sweet and we got along pretty well. Then someone informed me that his name is Ryan and that he has a speech impediment, AFTER I had been referring to him as Wyan for quite some time. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Chagrin Falls

Today, I got a citation from my landlord because my puppy couldn't make it to the grass and peed in the shrubs. Later in the evening, I got a citation that my music was too loud. Until I'd submitted my 30-day notice yesterday, no one ever had a problem with me FML

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Top comments

By Moy_fml | 6

#590165 - Sunday 27 September 2009 20:47

"Today I was in a phonebooth. This guy came in and started groping me and I attacked him with the receiver. He said: "I'm sorry m'am" and walked off. I'm Superman. FML"

By f_alltheirlives | 3

#590092 - Sunday 27 September 2009 20:15

Boothycall!

COMMENTS

By pyroanarchist23 | 0

#590059 - Sunday 27 September 2009 20:07

next time pay more attention
first

Reply

tyhillman | 0

#590067 - Sunday 27 September 2009 20:08

He was paying attention to his phone lol.

Reply

SoreThroat | 0

#591114 - Monday 28 September 2009 6:10

Exactly...attention to his phone, not to where he was going....I stopped reading at "walking while texting." Huge YDI right there, amiright? XD

Reply

carpediem9_fml | 0

#1014368 - Tuesday 1 June 2010 0:43

Watch where you're walking dude

Reply

alialley | 10

#4758798 - Wednesday 1 August 2012 12:23

Meh, I'd cut the guy some slack. People do ignorant things all the time.

Reply

His_Holiness | 18

#5648888 - Thursday 29 August 2013 10:53

At least OP wasn't texting and driving

By the_boss_fml | 0

#590062 - Sunday 27 September 2009 20:07

LOL. that sucks. happened to me a few times before (except the clobbering)

Reply

TheChad12 | 2

#1772331 - Tuesday 30 November 2010 7:51

You accidentally walked into a phone booth while texting a few times??? Didn't know it was so common.

By Shinzura | 0

#590063 - Sunday 27 September 2009 20:07

YDI for not paying attention

By _THE_MASTER_ | 0

#590073 - Sunday 27 September 2009 20:10

LOLZ. I said this to the last idiot who posted something about not paying attention to where they were going, and I'll say it to you. This reminds me of the kid in NYC who was walking and texting and failed to notice an open manhole in his path. i can't wait to hear about this happening to you one day. PAY ATTENTION, ASSHOLE.

By leggyxo | 0

#590078 - Sunday 27 September 2009 20:12

and were you walking while typing this too?

By arisaurus | 0

#590088 - Sunday 27 September 2009 20:15

you deserve it.you shouldve been payin attention to where you were goin,next time ur gonna walk in the streets and get run over.even then,you'd still deserve it.ur really stupid.ydi

By f_alltheirlives | 3

#590092 - Sunday 27 September 2009 20:15

Boothycall!

By jjenniferr05 | 0

#590103 - Sunday 27 September 2009 20:20

Shit Fml. Not funny at all really. This site is going downhill..

Reply

leisl14 | 0

#590205 - Sunday 27 September 2009 21:16

then moderate, or submit your own funny stories. or stop reading the fml's altogether

By Moy_fml | 6

#590108 - Sunday 27 September 2009 20:21

At least it wasn't Susan Boyle.

By TimmyM | 0

#590113 - Sunday 27 September 2009 20:23

Receiver? Who the fuck calls it that? Stuck up for a peterborough boy, no?

Reply

ZombieKnickers_fml | 8

#590182 - Sunday 27 September 2009 21:03

Don't be so harsh.

Reply

ciao_bella_fml | 0

#590229 - Sunday 27 September 2009 21:32

I happen to call it that to!

and @op - try to paymore attention next time haha