Miscellaneous: Today, I was in minding my own business in bed in my dorm room.... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 94

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Spicy

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 211

You deserved it 24

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 490

You deserved it 133

26/10/2009 06:32

Today, I was in minding my own business in bed in my dorm room. It was dark and my roommate came over, intending to slap my ass really hard. The problem is, I was lying face up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 907

You deserved it 2 976

Taking stock

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Clean up in aisle 3 please

05/07/2009 04:53

Today, my boss told me he is a superhero. He has written countless comics about his crusades and adventures. I make fifty dollars an hour less than him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 955

You deserved it 4 449

10/11/2012 06:51

Today, my dog and I were sitting on the couch. I went to the bathroom, came back, and saw him walk over the remote, which caused the TV to change to the Hustler channel, just a few moments before my girlfriend walked through the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 080

You deserved it 3 632

17/05/2014 21:56

Today, my grandmother told me that since my dad was a mistake, I too am a mistake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 529

You deserved it 4 188

02/09/2012 06:27

Today, I was icing an injured foot with a frozen water bottle as the doctor directed me. When I was done, I picked the bottle up and immediately dropped it on the same injured foot, which is now swollen and bruised. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 712

You deserved it 4 733

23/11/2015 21:21

Today, I learned that if I take my full dosage of Vicodin, I will throw up all day. I also learned that if I don't take my full dosage of Vicodin, I will be in excruciating pain all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 262

You deserved it 1 536

04/07/2011 00:27

Today, my sister confessed to me that she sold some of my old shirts to the girl who's stalking me. This explains why I got a note that read, "I have your scent, now I can track you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 684

You deserved it 2 978

The key to happiness

By Luke - 25/07/2010 22:47

Today, I was helping a friend move. Before we arrived, he put his key on my key ring to keep it safe. When we got there, he promptly shoved my front door key into the lock and snapped it clean off. Not only can we not get into his house, but now I can't get back into mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 750

You deserved it 4 065

23/07/2011 23:53

Today, my constant bragging to friends caught up with me, and everyone believes I'm a swinger. Because of this, no girl wants to go out with me, in case they become just another notch under my belt. The truth is, I'm still a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 924

You deserved it 99 125

Where'd you go?

By Anonymous - 11/08/2021 02:01

Today, I'm being ghosted by someone who said they wanted to meet up, but never texted me. She could've just said she wasn't interested, but instead we made plans. She kept writing back, saying how excited she was to meet me, and then I never heard from her again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 896

You deserved it 56

27/06/2015 04:17

Today, my husband ruined the laundry once again. He forgot to empty his pants pockets before washing them. Last time he left an ink pen in them. This time it was a strawberry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 192

You deserved it 2 597

Chill out, Judy

By Anonymous - 11/07/2021 08:01

Today, my mom found out about my brother smoking. She calmly discussed smoking with him. On the other hand, I got yelled at and made to do chores all day despite having a university exam, just because I knew about it but I didn't tell her, because I knew that I would get the short end of the stick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 923

You deserved it 65

01/03/2017 16:00

Today, a coworker left a chocolate cake on the "free food" table in the office. I had a slice. She's just called to ask if she left her grandmother's birthday cake at work. She made it from scratch. Now I'm baking a new cake in the office kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 585

You deserved it 1 492

27/06/2010 18:54

Today, I went to the dentist. I got a new dentist who started out a conversation about school. She asked where I went to school and if I liked my principal. After I told her I thought he was full of himself, she said she was married to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 760

You deserved it 9 901

26/09/2015 04:10

Today, my 6-year-old daughter touched a tray I'd just pulled out of the oven. I quickly swatted her hand away, but then noticed she wasn't hurt or burned at all. I then gingerly touched the tray and got scalded. My daughter giggled maniacally as I screamed. To be honest, I'm now terrified of her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 644

You deserved it 4 242

10/10/2011 07:16

Today, I went on a date with a respectable, successful, polite, and attractive guy. Ten minutes into the conversation, I find out he's a neo-Nazi and earned a swastika tattoo in prison for "something shady." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 007

You deserved it 3 536

01/07/2016 22:35

Today, I saw my ex best friend and my cheating ex-girlfriend hanging out at the gym, where I work. They signed up here just to piss me off. It's working. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 338

You deserved it 1 117

27/12/2010 19:51

Today, I realized that not only did my parents not get me anything for Christmas, they also stole the $500 my grandparents gave me to buy a computer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 016

You deserved it 2 842

18/12/2013 18:23

Today, my girlfriend refused to take a picture with me to prove to my friends that I do indeed have a girlfriend. I got so desperate that I photoshopped myself into one of her Facebook photos instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 489

You deserved it 15 111

21/12/2009 08:29

Spicy

Today, while my boyfriend was sleeping, I got naked and sat on top of him. He woke up and I asked him if he would rather stay awake or go back to sleep, in hopes that he would stay awake and want to do some naughty stuff with me. His response? To grab my butt, and then go back to sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 262

You deserved it 19 777

23/08/2009 05:25

Spicy

Today, I was at a friend's party. All of the sudden, my friend goes, "Ok girls, get a guy to dance with." Then everyone scrambled to find someone. There was just enough guy-girl pairs. This hot girl and I were the only two left. She looked at me and said, "Umm, I have to use the bathroom." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 045

You deserved it 4 441

19/12/2011 06:31

Today, I told my boyfriend that I didn't know what I was going to do over the Christmas holidays since he was going to be out of the country. He suggested that I work out and do some sit-ups. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 465

You deserved it 8 527

Man's best friend

By Theresa - 10/10/2020 17:01

Today, at my daughter's soccer game, my nephew's dog helped herself to the Snowball I was eating, leaving fur on the side she didn't lick and left it unsalvageable. She peed on the blanket I was sitting on, tried to bite another kid, and went on to pop my kid's soccer ball that she'd used twice since I purchased it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 947

You deserved it 286

27/08/2018 03:30

Today, I was accused of being a racist whore at work. I had asked a man if he needed help finding anything, as that is part of my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 497

You deserved it 143

It's frostbite time!

By Freezing - 24/03/2020 05:06

Today, the whole upstairs was so cold that I had to wear mittens inside. When I asked my parents why it was so cold, they replied that to save money, they had decided not to heat the upstairs, since "nobody is ever up there, anyway." My bedroom is upstairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 614

You deserved it 129

Please do it

By Anonymous - 25/01/2020 18:00

Spicy

Today, it was my last day with my boyfriend before he went to college. At the store, he got a huge box of condoms. When I asked why he was getting so many, he said they were for the girls he meets at college. He then asked me to steal them for him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 215

You deserved it 346

12/09/2014 08:05

Today, at the restaurant where I work, a guest choked on a bone from her crosscut ribs. She asked me to bring the manager over, so I did. When he got there, she complained that the bone could have seriously injured her, and we should be more careful of where we put the bones in the ribs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 183

You deserved it 3 069

28/05/2009 18:09

Spicy

Today, I sent a forward to the ladies at my office. When I scrolled down I noticed my personal emails from my best friend were attached. They go into great detail about the sex I had last night, when I was planning on dumping my boyfriend and that I suspected I had an anal fissure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 703

You deserved it 61 040

Empathy hurts

By Anonymous - 09/09/2020 02:02

Today, my brother-in-law's wife said she won the jackpot by marrying into our family. What she doesn't know is that they make fun of her family behind her back, and her husband has no drive or focus in life. Now I get to watch her discover how crazy they really are. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 129

You deserved it 192

13/11/2018 22:00

Today, my boyfriend, who is also my boss, was giving me a blowjob at work. Halfway through, his boss knocked on the door and I had to quickly get dressed and slip out the other door. After leaving, I realized that I was still barefoot and I had to walk back to my desk in front of my colleagues. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 436

You deserved it 5 863

30/08/2012 06:05

Today, I had a planned 12-hour power cut for maintenance work, which I'd forgot all about. In need of a shower before work, I spent 45 minutes boiling pots of water on the stove to take a lukewarm, 6-inch deep bath, before realizing my water heater runs on natural gas and was working fine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 019

You deserved it 29 631

06/12/2011 02:31

Today, my husband and I got into an argument. I tried to assault him with a laptop. He yelled, "Don't hit me with the computer." My apartment neighbor yelled through the wall, "Do what you gotta do, girl." FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 667

You deserved it 45 944

Tough choice

By SickAndTired - 18/09/2021 05:00

Today, I have an acute URI and acute bronchitis. The cough syrup works amazingly well to stop the coughing, but if I take the cough syrup it gives me insomnia. So I get to choose: do I want to spend all night coughing, or spend all night tossing and turning? FML

I agree, your life sucks 773

You deserved it 62

26/05/2013 09:19

Today, I helped an elderly woman carry her suitcase down a flight of stairs. When I got to the bottom, a man tackled me to the ground thinking I was stealing the woman's luggage. As I lay in pain, he ran up the stairs to return the suitcase and the poor woman had to carry it down on her own. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 815

You deserved it 3 211

28/01/2011 03:35

Spicy

Today, I went to the park and sat down on a bench to enjoy my coffee. I heard a few young girls behind me talking about how their first experience of sex was. I turned around to see how old these girls really were. One of them was my daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 161

You deserved it 7 509

14/05/2010 05:01

Today, I realized that my baby stops crying loudly whenever I turn on the vacuum cleaner. I'm either stuck with a fussy baby all day, or the roaring sound of a vacuum cleaner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 523

You deserved it 5 210

17/04/2017 05:00

Today, at work, a woman screamed at me and called me a bitch because I refused to refund something we give away for free. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 923

You deserved it 266

28/04/2009 20:52

Today, my girlfriend was complaining that we don't have "a song". Irritated, I told her that I'd put on the radio, and whatever song was playing was our song from now on. I switched on the radio, and "It's Not Fair" by Lily Allen was playing. Our song is about premature ejaculation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 221

You deserved it 61 442

21/10/2012 05:59

Today, my cat played dead just so I would leave him alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 400

You deserved it 6 042

23/07/2018 19:04

Today, my crush confessed their love for me, and I happily told them that I felt the same way. They looked uncomfortable, so I asked why. Apparently they'd been paid to prank me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 393

You deserved it 257

20/11/2009 15:35

Today, I was walking around in Target with my friends and the guy I've liked for a long time. As we approached the patio section, I sat down on a chair only to hear a big wet watery sound. I got up and realized that I had just sat in some little kid's diarrhea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 861

You deserved it 7 592

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Monday 26 October 2009 16:17

"minding your own business"? Does that mean masturbating?

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Monday 26 October 2009 16:15

BOOM! NUTSHOT

Comments

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Monday 26 October 2009 16:14

you need a new roommate

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Thursday 2 September 2010 17:38

BOOM Headshot!!!

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Monday 26 October 2009 16:15

BOOM! NUTSHOT

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Tuesday 27 October 2009 2:45

/slap "STOP MASTURBATING!"

sarahbella101 7

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Tuesday 19 July 2011 9:41

Are your balls ok??? lol

tpm45 25

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Thursday 28 November 2013 20:43

Boom! Dick-head shot!

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Saturday 18 January 2014 0:47

"Head"shot!

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Monday 26 October 2009 16:17

"minding your own business"? Does that mean masturbating?

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Monday 26 October 2009 16:28

Yes, yes it does. Now the OP has a broken erection. Im no doctor but im pretty sure we'll have to amputate. Don't worry OP, we'll give you a lovely vagina instead.

Brave_Sir_Robin 4

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Monday 26 October 2009 17:09

just make sure not to "Joan Rivers" it and he should be fine.

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Monday 26 October 2009 16:17

Can't wait to read your rommate's payback FML.

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Monday 26 October 2009 16:21

Bet you liked that.. haha

peaceouthannie 0

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Monday 26 October 2009 16:22

Please tell me you go to Mizzou. Or that you go to Kansas. If you're at Kansas, it's YDI.

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Monday 26 October 2009 17:00

If you go to Mizzou, that's cool...so do I!!!

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Monday 26 October 2009 20:21

I go to Mizzou too, I really hope it was and I wanna know what dorm it was in!

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Monday 26 October 2009 16:28

Wow. Time to stomp your roommate's nuts while he's sleeping...

ilovefatcats 12

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Sunday 21 March 2010 23:53

#8 I agree

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Monday 26 October 2009 16:32

You deserve it for living with somebody who thinks it's acceptable to smack your butt without asking.

pleasetryagain 0

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Monday 26 October 2009 16:36

#9 deserves it for being a prude and a stick in the mud.

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Monday 26 October 2009 19:57

I spend a lot of time hoping someone will smack mine.... Lucky dog!

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Tuesday 27 October 2009 4:03

Who the crap asks if they can smack someone's ass? You sound like an awfully boring person #9

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Tuesday 27 October 2009 6:01

lol, "Yo roomie, can I slap yo ass right quick?"

lidomissmango 0

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Saturday 27 March 2010 19:54

haha

perdix 29

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Monday 26 October 2009 16:38

If you are not gay, you must consider changing either your roommate or your sexual orientation. If you choose to change nothing, I can only imagine what fate awaits you it if you take to falling asleep face down.

AcesAndEights 0

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Monday 26 October 2009 19:00

lmfao

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Monday 26 October 2009 16:42

i dont get it

perdix 29

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Monday 26 October 2009 17:40

Do you mean you don't get any sex, or don't understand the story? If it is the latter, the roommate slapped the OP's genitalia really hard. If it's the former, keezmovies.com.