By Anonymous - 7/1/2021 08:02 - Netherlands - Almere

People are people

Today, after almost 2 months of working from home alone, I was out walking and heard 2 guys talking. One was sitting in his car smoking weed; the other was standing next to the car telling him how he was tested positive today. Maybe not mention you are Covid positive when you're not supposed to be in public at all. FML

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Messed up

Mr. Burns

Man's best friend

By HappyBirthdayISuppose - United States - Westminster

Today, for my birthday, the only "gift" my parents gave me was the gift of choice: I got to choose which one of them I'll be living with after their upcoming divorce. This was the first time I'd heard anything about a divorce. FML

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By random - United Kingdom

Comforter

Today, I hooked up with a guy I'm totally in love with. After finishing, he burst into tears about being in love with another girl. I had to comfort him. FML

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By Anonymous - Mexico - Distrito Federal

Today, I opened my heart to my father-in-law, telling him how he was a very good example for us and how his name would be great for our first born son, he interrupted, saying, "Cut the cheesy crap, now." FML

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By Boneo and Juliet - United States - Amherst

Today, I accidentally texted the girl I like, "Oh god, I just choked on a boner." I meant bone. FML

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By a faint recollection - United States - Goshen

Today, while at a trampoline park, my time of the month and my out-of-shape body worked together to make me almost pass out. FML

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By 30Jenna - Canada

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me on my Facebook wall. 27 people liked it. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Southwold

Today, my parents heard from my sister that I'd recently lost my virginity to my girlfriend. I've never been bitched out so viciously in my life, and yet my sister, whom everyone knows has had numerous casual sexual partners this year, is treated like a princess 24/7. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/11/2020 22:58

Egg mode

Today, I found out my husband had a Pornhub account where he photoshops himself to look like a girl. The worst part is that I noticed he wore some of my maternity clothes in the pictures. I guess they were the only ones big enough to fit him. FML

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By Anonymous - Bahrain - Manama

Today, my daughter hugged me around the neck and whispered, "I'm going to cut your head off." I'm afraid to go to sleep now. FML

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By 2k16 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I came home to find that my dog had figured out how to open the fridge again. He'd helped himself to raw eggs and crab. FML

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By the2girls - Canada

Today, I was walking to get ice-cream with my boyfriend. When we were ordering our cone, the girl who was scooping it said to my boyfriend, "Hey I know you! You're the one who slept with my sister-in-law the other night." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Carencro

Today, my boyfriend "finally figured out" that he couldn't possibly be the father of my child, and publicly broke up with me. When I reminded him that I was already pregnant when we first met, he "extra" broke up with me for making him look stupid. FML

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By WayTooMuchFacebook - United States

Today, I read some funny scribblings on a wall in the bathroom stall. My first instinct was to "Like" it. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I saw my 32-year-old boyfriend of 4 years pick his nose and eat it. The booger in question was attached to his nose and he sucked it out spaghetti-style. He then tried to kiss me. I still feel my stomach churning. FML

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By ID10t - United States

Today, I was on my back porch having a cigarette. Not being all that awake yet, I threw the butt, still smoldering, on the ground. Did I remember that there was an ashtray right next to me? No. I did what I would do at work: I stamped it out. Barefoot. FML

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By SwoopingEagle

Today, my co-workers were laughing at me because I couldn't throw paper into the bin, regardless of how close I was. Annoyed, I tried to prove then wrong by angry throwing paper into the bin that was no less that 1 cm away from me. I missed. FML

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By Elle(; - United States

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I felt something tickling my neck. Thinking it was him, I ignored it. Just when I was about to climax, I looked down to see a lizard on me. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my mom told me I couldn't be best man at my best friend's wedding. I'm 25. FML

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By Eww - United States - Salem

Today, a girl puked on me. No warnings, nothing. She just threw up on me, then walked off like nothing even happened. FML

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By scatter00x - United States

Today, I woke up around 5am from a party I had last night, still quite drunk. This chick was lying next to me from the night before. I kissed her, and about a minute and a half into some heavy making out, she opened her eyes and said, "Oh, it's you." Then got up and walked out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke 2 hours before my alarm was supposed to go off, feeling incredibly sick. I then ran downstairs and had diarrhea while I threw up. I spent Valentine's Day having diarrhea every time I coughed or sneezed. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2020 23:01 - Netherlands

Side effects

Today, I’ve been horny for weeks on end. Because I’m on antidepressants, I can’t orgasm, so the horniness won’t go away. The only thing I do is go to the gym, where literally EVERYONE seems fuckable. While I’m not depressed anymore, my vagina is. FML

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By screwed. - United States

Today, I woke from last night after meeting the most amazing man, and after giving him a good morning kiss, roll out of bed to use his bathroom. After using his toothbrush, I go to replace it in his holder only to find not one, but several prescriptions for herpes in his unzipped toiletry bag. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/3/2021 14:02 - Germany

Untidy

Today, my mom wanted a pat on the back for putting away some bottles that were clogging up the kitchen bench. She put them away by putting them on top of the dishwasher for me to deal with. They were from a trip she took over Christmas. It’s now March. FML

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By Me - United States

Today, I found out that my parents used all of the college money I have been saving up for 8 years to buy a beach house. The reason they waited until now to tell me? A tree fell on it, and they need more money for repairs. FML

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By haha247 - United States

Today, I was helping my brother clean his room. While putting clothes away, I found a box of thongs. They were mine. FML

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By MobPerfect - United States - Providence

Today, I made my friends and family laugh by trying to put on costume glasses with a giant super-sized nose attached to them. They laughed hysterically. Not because of the gigantic nose, but because my real nose was radically bigger and the fake one wouldn't fit over it. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I finally get to go home after a 16 day training event in Colorado. The plane has been sitting in the runway for over three hours due to lightning storms and we're not allowed to leave. We've spent more time on the ground waiting than the flight itself would take. FML

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By nali1122

Burned!

Today, I received a text forward from a good friend inviting me to his birthday party. Jokingly, I texted back, "No. I hate you and I don't want to go to your lame party." He replied with an apology for the mix-up, because he'd accidentally sent me the invite. FML

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By swmmr - United States

Today, my dad suggested that as an alternative to buying me new school clothes that actually fit, I should just join the swim team, lose some weight, and wear my stuff from last year. FML

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By jentown11 - United States

Today, I told my husband I wanted a divorce. He told me he didn't. End of discussion. FML

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By Robert

Today, a judge ruled against me. I filed for divorce because my wife got pregnant even though I had a vasectomy. Apparently, not informing your spouse of a vasectomy is worse than cheating in the eyes of the court. FML

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By dogggg - India - Pune

Today, I caught my dog drinking from the toilet. After yelling at him, his apology was licking my face. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was on Facebook, looking at pictures from a party I went to. In most of them, I was sitting on the sofa, my shorts bunched to the side, with half my vajayjay on show. FML

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By fretting - United States - Fort White

Today, my co-worker, who used to be in a frat with me in college, decided to tell all my coworkers as well as my boss all the stupid things I did in college, starting with the time a girl stole my clothes and I had to walk across campus naked. FML

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By mommylovesu - United States

The worst

Today, the bus came to pick up my daughter to take her to kindergarten. When it honked, I opened the door for her to let her run out to it. Halfway there, she tripped and started crying. I couldn't run out because I was still in my underwear. Now her bus thinks I'm the worst mom ever. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I invited my boss and his family over for dinner. As usual, I bought his kids Christmas' presents, nothing too fancy though. This year, he had one more that wasn't here last year. So I just pulled something from under the tree to hand him. He opened it on the spot. It was my son's PS3. FML

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By james - United Kingdom

Today, whilst reading all 15 pages of this site, my French girlfriend asked me over my shoulder for translations, such as "What is buttsex?", "What is wanking?", and "What means farted?" FML

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By OhPleaseNo - OhPleaseNo

We could be heroes

Today, I was at work at my local hospital. I went to the toilet to empty my bladder; the door was half open so I assumed it was empty. Upon opening the door, I was greeted with a half naked old man, who then yelled at me and violently shat himself, all over the walls and floor. FML

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By Amber - 2/1/2021 02:01

Tell us more

Today, after five years of being with my boyfriend, I found out that he is apparently very xenophobic. FML

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Top comments

By mccuish | 22

#7962719 - Thursday 7 January 2021 8:45

I bet they weren’t even wearing a mask

By ghostinflames | 13

#7962723 - Thursday 7 January 2021 9:14

They were probably talking conspiracy theories regarding the virus, but they should have known better. The infected person needs to get their ass home ALONE and be relaxing. It's utter BS that we haven't found a way to annihilate this issue.

COMMENTS

By rebelwithmouseyhair | 16

#7962715 - Thursday 7 January 2021 8:39

At least you knew to keep well away?

By mccuish | 22

#7962719 - Thursday 7 January 2021 8:45

I bet they weren’t even wearing a mask

By ghostinflames | 13

#7962723 - Thursday 7 January 2021 9:14

They were probably talking conspiracy theories regarding the virus, but they should have known better. The infected person needs to get their ass home ALONE and be relaxing. It's utter BS that we haven't found a way to annihilate this issue.

By spinspinsugar | 12

#7962844 - Thursday 7 January 2021 20:07

how is this an fml to you? you're not the one with covid. if this was some random stranger on the street, the you're fine and should mind ya business

Reply

Warp1978 | 13

#7963110 - Friday 8 January 2021 23:39

Nooooo, they should report those infected to the heath police and collect the reward.

By DrSamba1 | 7

#7962878 - Thursday 7 January 2021 22:01

And this kind of stupidity is why the pandemic is still alive and well among us after a year, instead of disappearing in a few days, like a miracle.

By DoctorPALO | 11

#7962926 - Friday 8 January 2021 3:12

If you're not supposed to be out in public, why were you? YDI.

By clumbsydouche | 13

#7963017 - Friday 8 January 2021 13:53

Maybe he was referring to testing positive for weed