Miscellaneous: Today, I woke up to someone screaming "FIRE!" When I sat up,... - FML

By ericane27 - 27/12/2011 19:53 - United States

Today, I woke up to someone screaming "FIRE!" When I sat up, my face went right into my room-mate's ballsack. Apparently it was funny. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 304

You deserved it 5 843

Stop talking!

Another great day to be alive

Desperate

By Insanity - 09/04/2015 05:28 - France - La Poste

Today, I managed to get my 4-year-old son to agree that, "cigarettes are poop." I was a lot less proud of myself when he pointed at a 6-foot bodybuilder-type dude in the subway and yelled, "That man smells of pooooooop." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 090

You deserved it 7 728

By Anonymous - 06/05/2015 05:24 - France

Today, my girlfriend told me that she's scared because her period is late, and that they're usually on time. Five hours late apparently. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 535

You deserved it 3 287

Dad joke number 287474

By HunkyFez - 28/08/2020 08:06 - Australia

Today, my dad offered to make me lunch as it was my first day at a new school. Today was also the day I had to eat a penis-shaped sandwich in front of my new peers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 655

You deserved it 228

By madzlovesgee - 16/05/2009 17:44 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were "fooling around." It started to get hot and he took out his penis for the first time. This was the first one I've seen in real life so I decided I'd complimented it. I had no idea what to say so I said, "It's pretty." FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 709

You deserved it 53 280

When you lie on your resume to get the job

By Anonymous - 27/07/2018 01:30

Today, my boyfriend and I are devastated to return our newly adopted "cat friendly" dog to the shelter. He's perfect other than the fact that he clearly wants to eat our cats. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 246

You deserved it 318

Are you sure?

By Anonymous - 15/04/2021 11:00 - United States - Arlington

Today, I sent a picture of my two little nephews to my friends, who now keep telling me how my older nephew looks exactly like me. They’re starting to make awkward statements such as, “Are you sure you didn’t have sex with your sister in-law?” FML

I agree, your life sucks 845

You deserved it 93

By korbo7 - 17/05/2016 03:26 - United States - Grand Island

Today, I saw a man help an elderly lady with her tray at the local McDonald's. I wanted to do something nice for him, so I added a couple extra nuggets in his meal. He later came up to me and told me I was dumb and didn't know how to count, and that was why I was working at McDonald's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 530

You deserved it 1 406

By Loner - 19/09/2017 19:30 - United States - Paramus

Today, my buddy congratulated me on getting a girl's phone number written on my arm. I was too embarrassed to tell him it was the number I needed to find my furniture at IKEA . FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 875

You deserved it 468

By cockblockingbitch - 25/01/2009 05:54 - United States

Spicy

Today, I promised my best friend I wouldn't let her hook up with any guys (she got an STD a few weeks ago). After we tossed a few back she led about 30 people in a chant of "cockblock" after I wouldnt let her go home with some random dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 103

You deserved it 3 961

By Dontworryaboutit - 28/12/2009 10:16 - United States

Spicy

Today, I tried to get my girlfriend of nine months to have oral sex with me. She was eating a hot dog. She then said, "If you ask me again, this is what I'll do to you." She then bit the hot dog in half. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 392

You deserved it 38 740

By mountains - 19/11/2012 00:47 - United States - Pembroke

Today, I awoke in the midst of the night to find my half-naked dad drunkenly arguing with the microwave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 972

You deserved it 1 807

By Anonymous - 12/02/2017 09:00 - United States - Fall City

Today, two days before a big weight lifting competition with a $3,000 grand prize, I broke my arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 498

You deserved it 678

By Jeff - 02/03/2010 15:53 - United States

Today, a wasp flew into my room. While I, a 6'2" hockey player, cowered in the corner, my 4'11" girlfriend killed it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 942

You deserved it 41 666

Choked

By embarrassing - 15/07/2021 18:01

Today, I went out to eat with friends. My crush was also at the restaurant with his friends. He smiled at me as I took a mouthful of food, and I choked. The waitress had to perform the Heimlich maneuver on me, while he and his friends fell off their chairs laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 880

You deserved it 132

By stutson - 04/06/2009 00:12 - United States

Today, on my airplane ride home, the woman next to me wasn't feeling too well. She pulled out the air sickness bag to throw up into and missed. Her vomit splattered all over the seat in front of her and all over me. We were both covered in puke. And that was only my first of two flights. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 794

You deserved it 2 236

By lifesucksbigtimefuys - 04/12/2011 08:36 - United Kingdom

Today, the girl I've had a crush on for years asked if I could be her "emergency gay friend". Worst part? I said yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 605

You deserved it 26 634

By Anonymous - 16/07/2010 23:43 - United States

Today, I learned that my mom's laptop was originally my Christmas gift. She opened it and decided she liked it so much she should have it. I got hot rollers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 700

You deserved it 2 708

Is there anybody out there?

By Natalie - 11/06/2021 09:01 - United States

Today, I started my treatment for dental aligners. I talked to myself a bit to see how I sounded and it turns out that I have a small lisp. I wanted to share how I sounded with someone, then I realized I don't have anyone I can call. I have to wait 3 days until someone can hear my funny new lisp at work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 748

You deserved it 102

By sydneyp3435 - 11/06/2013 04:39 - United States - Boerne

Today, I started my job at a kids summer camp. The first little girl to arrive told me to close my eyes and open my hand because she had a "surprise" for me. Yep, a dead, decomposed sparrow covered in all sorts of bugs sure is a surprise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 578

You deserved it 5 653

By GrahamCracker - 21/05/2009 05:36 - United States

Today, I was taking a final exam and I reached into my pocket to get out a pencil. I felt this thing in my pocket so I got it out and put it on the desk. At first I thought it was a leaf but then it started kicking and trying to run around. It was a cockroach. It had been living in my pocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 590

You deserved it 8 907

Mixed results

By Anonymous - 11/01/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, I realized that in the 3 and half month relationship with a wonderful guy I truly like, so far I've masturbated more than the whole year I was single before I met him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 837

You deserved it 239

By Anonymous - 09/12/2012 16:29 - United States - Cedar Park

Today, a senile old lady came up to me and offered me chocolate. I noticed that it was ex-lax, so I politely told her no. My 4-year-old daughter pushed me aside and ate the ex-lax, because she thought it was candy. I now have a stinky child on a 3 hour bus ride, with no stops. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 945

You deserved it 11 102

By mskawaiibat - 29/06/2013 10:01 - United States - Laguna Hills

Today, my step mom and her kids moved in. This is my first night sharing a room with her daughter. She snores, sleep talks, and sleep scratches the side of the bed creating a sound like nails on a chalkboard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 696

You deserved it 3 396

By Laura - 17/09/2010 00:35 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend of three years decided it was finally time to have sex. After we did, he told me that he was sleeping with another girl. He wanted to have sex with me to see who was better. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 587

You deserved it 6 201

Bad boy

By Anonymous - 02/01/2022 05:01

Today, my son accused me of being a "Karen" about house rules, and insists he’ll follow normal rules but ignore my supposedly "insane" rules. I consider all my rules normal, so he pointed out he’s 6ft6 and 100 lbs heavier so he will ignore rules he doesn’t agree with, and good luck stopping him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 659

You deserved it 911

By Sam - 09/03/2019 14:00

Today, I was shopping with my girlfriend at the mall at Victoria's Secret. We got separated, after which I saw 3 of my students. I teach middle school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 175

You deserved it 256

By scaredshitless - 10/04/2019 18:00

Today, at 2:30am, I heard my baby crying on the monitor. As I got out of bed, she stopped crying and started laughing. There's nobody else in the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 006

You deserved it 226

By Not Worth a Lunch - 02/02/2015 14:25 - United States - Durham

Today, my boss told me they were letting me go because they "could no longer afford to pay me." Never mind the catered lunch they had the day before, which cost more than a week's worth of my salary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 511

You deserved it 2 493

By Anonymous - 31/07/2009 21:05 - United States

Today, I needed to buy Vagisil. I went to the grocery store so I could use the self check-out. My item rung up incorrectly, so a girl came to help. She was new and having trouble, so she called more people to help. I ended up having five people around me talking about my Vagisil purchase. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 168

You deserved it 4 543

Panic

By not a cancerous pimple - 31/01/2015 00:11 - United States - Chester Springs

Today, I felt a painful lump on my jaw. After going on Google, I was convinced I either had an infected tooth or jaw cancer. In a panic, I rushed to the dentist and told the receptionist the problem. She pulled the dentist from an appointment, and he felt around my jaw. It was just a pimple. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 297

You deserved it 27 304

By Anonymous - 18/10/2011 19:36 - United States

Today, I went out shopping. When I left the store, I saw my ex, who I'm still crazy about. He helped me carry my bags out to the car. When I leaned in to give him a hug goodbye, he stepped aside, and I fell face-first into a puddle. He walked away laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 181

You deserved it 10 519

By Anonymous - 03/04/2018 15:00

Today, after 38 years of never meeting my dad, and paying a private investigator thousands of pounds over several weeks of searching, I found him living 2 floors down in the same block of flats. He’s the grouchy downstairs neighbour I’ve hated for 6 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 973

You deserved it 443

By Anonymous - 16/07/2015 19:16 - United States

Today, I saw my friend at the mall. He didn't see me, so I called him to say "Turn around." He took one look at his phone, snorted loudly enough for me to hear from way off, and put it back in his pocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 850

You deserved it 2 395

By Lisaa918 - 10/06/2009 14:49 - United States

Today, my two year old daughter was playing in the kitchen. I went to go have a look and she was pretend cooking. When I asked what she was making she said "look mommy, chocolate!" and stuck her finger in my mouth. It wasn't chocolate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 131

You deserved it 6 165

By Melaknee - 19/03/2009 00:10 - United States

Spicy

Today, I saw an attractive man outside the club I was trying to get into to. We talked, and ended up having sex in my apartment. The next day when I was dropping him off, I discovered he was homeless and was outside the club begging for money. My house is suddenly out of bread and cheese. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 389

You deserved it 149 514

By wantedphantom - 09/07/2016 02:26

Today, I was at the lake with my family. I was drinking from a can of soda but didn't realize a bee flew into the can. I didn't swallow it, but I now have Kylie Jenner's lips. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 755

You deserved it 990

Sprain in the ass

By Anonymous - 04/07/2021 16:02

Today, after two months of recovering from a sprained ankle, the doctor told me I was fully healed. On the way to my car from the doctor's, I stepped on some leaves, which were covering a small hole. A hole big enough for me to trip on and give me another sprained ankle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 916

You deserved it 96

By Maggie - 18/03/2013 19:38 - United States

Today, my husband woke up, rolled over, and said, "Good morning, beautiful." He hasn't called me that in months, but as I was about to reply, I realized he was talking to his pet turtle, not me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 548

You deserved it 3 489

This charming man

By Anonymous - 02/11/2020 17:03

Spicy

Today, I found out my husband cheated on me while I was pregnant. And gave me an STD. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 536

You deserved it 98

By Charlie - 08/09/2009 10:46 - Australia

Today, it was raining. I was out walking with my girlfriend, and decided it would be cute if we did a bit of dancing in the rain. As I was swinging her around, I swung her head against a lamp post. She broke up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 404

You deserved it 21 084

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Top comments

madmikemiller 6

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 0:06

Kinda is

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 0:17

You should have yelled "BABY KILLER" then headbutt his nutsack :)

Comments

madmikemiller 6

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 0:06

Kinda is

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 0:12

Kinda is necessary to bite it off!

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 0:13

Play cool and say 'Oh how I love the smell and taste of ball sacks in the morning'

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 0:17

You should have yelled "BABY KILLER" then headbutt his nutsack :)

nuggetmonster 12

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 0:17

And thus a new competition was created: Extreme Teabagging.

Damn_Hippster 11

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 0:18

I was expecting a pie to the face but this is much better!

BT14 5

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 0:25

Wow that's gay

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 0:36

Today I thought it would be funny to startle my sleeping roommate by yelling FIRE! Turns out he sat up extremely quick, whacking his face into my ballsack. They are now well bruised. FML.

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 1:15

It's just a joke. I'm sure op will laugh about it one day.

hardonforjesus 10

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 1:51

52 - YDI

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 1:52

I need to get a parachute the semi finals for the extreme teabagging competition next week

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 1:54

wait so 17 you would rather have a guys balls in your mouth than just push him away?

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 2:08

30- It's a whole new level of 'the game'!

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 3:16

Plan your revenge Op....just watch out those karma cicles can be vicious

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 4:28

Headbutt that ballsack. I think they'll think twice then..

JocelynKaulitz 28

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 5:16

"Today, I got my roommate to slam his head into my ballsack, this is probably the closest anyone has ever gotten to my balls, FML."

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 5:17

Now I hope he wasn't naked.

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 5:46

I laughed. I really did...

Dracoboxer357 35

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 5:56

Lmao! That is funny! Of course, if anyone's dumb enough to attack you with their tenders, you should remind them why they labeled as such! ;) CRUNCH!

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 18:18

FIRE! fire? Wher-mhhhnmm!... Mmmmmmmhmmmmm!

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 23:27

serves you eight bitch

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Thursday 29 December 2011 7:41

I laughed my ass off now and I'll probably laugh later too lmao

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Friday 30 December 2011 8:15

you just got t-bagged

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Saturday 31 December 2011 4:13

I used to do FIRE pranks, then I took an arrow to the knee.

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 0:07

Always a good way to start off your morning..

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 0:57

Your room-mate has a disgusting sense of humor.

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 1:00

It's called a dick move

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 1:11

this is how I wake up every morning

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 1:11

this is how I wake up every morning

shutdafrontdoor 0

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 0:07

That is funny

mirag 0

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 1:57

Quite a creative prank

muzy 23

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 2:40

It's all fun and games... until someone gets tagged!

Monkeybuttcream 4

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 6:27

It's all fun and games until someone gets a dick in the eye. OP - I would start sleeping with eye protection on at night!

vegetarian982 0

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 0:07

At least there was no real fire :/

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 1:09

Way to look at the bright side! :)

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 2:12

One cheer for optimism!

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 0:07

Well that's a sticky situation...

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 0:11

Seriously?

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 0:22

#6 your balls are sticky?? You know your supposed to wash them once in awhile right?

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 2:26

6- I sure hope OP's roommate didn't cum when OP hit his ball sack. I'd feel pity for any future girlfriend..

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 0:08

Apparently!?! It is!! Hahaha!! Fyl, but I'm lmfao!!!

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 2:44

OMG like totally! lmfao lolzzzz If someone ever texted me like that, I'd probably delete their number.

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 0:08

What a ballsy move. Are you going to get revenge?

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 4:28

Well, he could have easily gotten vicious and bit him...

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 7:32

I've heard that uppercut can be brutal...

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 7:43

huhuhu..... ballsy move..... :)

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 0:08

Clearly your roommate figured your face would cure the fire in his pants.

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 0:09

Ewww.

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 0:09

Lol

Nearly

Today I ripped my lovely £50 coat on barbed wire, what I only worn a hand full of times, ended up having to spend £10 to get it repaired, have to wait till Friday to pick it up, it’s only Tuesday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 4

Today, a tech came to repair my cracked phone screen. He told me to remove my case and took it to his van in my driveway to fix it. Thirty minutes later, he rings my doorbell and hands me my phone back. He says he fixed the screen but tripped and dropped it walking back to my house, and completely shattered the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I spent all day waiting for an unlikely follow up text from the girl from Tinder I let peg me on the first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 270

You deserved it 720

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 644

You deserved it 818