Love: Today, I was at a dance. I was griding with this guy when I felt...

By Joe - 10/03/2009 00:26 - Canada

Today, I was at a dance. I was griding with this guy when I felt something move in his pants. I stood up and stepped away. He replied with "Don't flatter yourself, it was my phone". FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 219

You deserved it 55 996

Love

Mother of the year

This Charming Man

Walk the line

By sadparty - 06/11/2009 06:05 - United States

Today, I suffered a mental breakdown. I told my roommates about it, and they decided to throw a very loud party while I was sobbing in my room, unable to sleep. My Xanax prescription ran out, I have no more sick days, and I have to wake up in two hours to work a ten hour day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 046

You deserved it 7 494

By Kelso - 06/02/2010 18:22 - United States

Today, my mother told me that the carbon-monoxide alarm went off last night, but since she didn't smell any gas, she decided to just remove the batteries and go back to bed. I had to explain to her that you can't smell carbon monoxide, and that we could have died in our sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 400

You deserved it 2 513

Nice try

By Anonymous - 03/11/2021 21:00 - Australia

Today, I've had a crush on a guy for a while - a friend of mine knows this. I finally decided to find out once and for all if there was any chance with him, so I drove to his house, armed with a home cooked meal and wine, only to find the very friend I confided in was at his house. It turns out they are now an item. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 046

You deserved it 125

Smells like…

By makin bacon - 08/11/2019 20:00

Today, my idiot roommate read somewhere that bacon grease could be used on squeaky doors and windows. Now, we're desperately trying to scrub the rancid goop out of door hinges and window tracks. Our whole place smells like rotten pig ass and death. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 099

You deserved it 412

Welcome to retail.

By It's Something - 27/10/2017 13:00 - United States - Toledo

Today, I finally got a new job. Now, instead of dealing with trashy, rude young adults all day, I get to deal with self-entitled, berating old people all day. I'm not sure which is worse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 004

You deserved it 370

By HatedGrandson - 07/01/2013 00:50 - United States

Today, I visited my grandparents' house. While getting a drink from the fridge, I noticed the Christmas card my family sent them had my face scratched out. When I confronted them about it, they said it was the cat. They don't have a cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 579

You deserved it 2 148

By wtfdad - 16/11/2014 05:29 - United States - Little Silver

Today, my husband and I told my parents I was pregnant with my first child. The only thing my father did was look at my husband and tell him his pull out game was weak. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 140

You deserved it 4 220

By Some Girl - 08/01/2011 06:38 - United States

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to meet his parents. Right when I arrived, his little sister said, "She's a lot fatter than you said!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 137

You deserved it 4 937

By suffersecks - 20/01/2012 23:54 - United States

Today, while in the middle of giving my husband a blow job, I looked up to see him staring into space and vigorously picking his nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 476

You deserved it 6 159

Thanks for your support

By SocialSuicide - 17/11/2021 04:58

Today, I've been bedridden for 2 weeks. My mother, a very busy woman who lives 30 minutes away, took me to the doctor's office, which is barely 2 minutes across town. Turns out I have strep, and a bad ear infection. My loving boyfriend of 6 years, who lives with me, just told me to take a hot shower and I'd feel better. FML

I agree, your life sucks 881

You deserved it 159

By BudmaudeY - 31/03/2011 20:53 - Sweden

Today, I noticed that the injury on my hand from three weeks ago no longer hurt. A while later, I accidentally slammed that same hand in a door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 373

You deserved it 15 796

She'll come around

By Anonymous - 05/05/2021 22:05

Today, my only friend confessed she loved me, but I’m not a lesbian so I had to let her down. Apparently she thought I was a lesbian too, so she ran away mortified. I just got a text that she can’t see me anymore, because it’s too painful. I have no relatives and now no friends. I’m totally alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 210

You deserved it 86

By Matt - 12/08/2011 00:46 - United States

Today, I informed my family of my plans to divorce my wife after catching her cheating on me twice. They bitched me out because I will not be able to survive financially or emotionally without her support. I'm a doctor. She's been unemployed for 2 straight years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 990

You deserved it 2 663

By charlotte9338 - 23/10/2011 23:32 - Canada

Today, I went to the hospital with a broken hand. They gave me a cast and some prescription pain medication. The only problem is that the bottle of medication is child-proof, I live alone and I can't open it with one hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 915

You deserved it 2 882

By Deedee - 28/03/2017 00:00

Today, 15 minutes before the end of the day, my boss asked me who I was training to replace me. He then said never mind, that it was his job to choose someone. I hadn't indicated that I was planning on leaving the company. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 912

You deserved it 236

By BedazzledAlpaca - 08/12/2014 05:03 - United States - Englewood

Today, I fell asleep on the couch and woke up to find that I had slept through my house getting robbed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 771

You deserved it 4 286

By PigPen - 27/09/2009 05:00 - United States

Today, I had lunch with friends I hadn't seen in years. We took a few group shots with my camera, and I went home and downloaded them to my computer. Seeing them on my monitor, I noticed a yellow spot on my black shirt, so I looked down. A big, dried booger was stuck there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 124

You deserved it 10 773

By SolaceInRage - 20/03/2013 23:53 - United States - Wilmette

Today, I tossed half a sausage to a dog sitting beside a park bench. It wasn't until he lunged for it and dragged the man beside him off of the bench that I realized it was a seeing eye dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 100

You deserved it 26 818

By Anonymous - 05/01/2012 03:07 - United States

Today, my biology teacher assigned us partners for a project. I got paired up with one of the smartest kids in the class. When he found out I was his partner, he cried. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 209

You deserved it 8 883

By bruisedandconfused - 12/02/2019 12:25 - United States - Aberdeen

Today, two days after sending her flowers for Valentine's Day, my dream girl asked me on a date. She didn't show up. Her boyfriend did though. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 190

You deserved it 10 757

By JC12345 - 18/03/2009 04:35 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. Afterwards we went to Applebees for dinner, then after we'd ate I asked "How was it?" he says "It was terrible", to which I said "The food was that bad?" He replies "No, the sex". FML

I agree, your life sucks 90 716

You deserved it 13 765

Secrecy

By Anonymous - 15/06/2021 11:01

Today, I went to spend some time with my family. Unbeknownst to me, while I was having quality time with my family, my boyfriend of a year and a half was packing up his belongings and going back to his estranged wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 823

You deserved it 193

By pigtails - 16/01/2013 12:21 - United Kingdom - Thetford

Today, management told me that I couldn't have a doorbell on my door. How did they get my attention to tell me this? By ringing my doorbell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 359

You deserved it 3 219

By Anonymous - 20/07/2016 17:20 - United States

Today, my daughter decided to drench our carpets with water, to "make them grow like plants". She's 9. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 530

You deserved it 1 696

By dusk - 05/01/2012 08:09 - United States

Today, I won a lifetime supply of pineapples. One problem, I'm allergic to pineapples. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 962

You deserved it 4 224

By richgirl - 25/02/2010 00:15 - United States

Today, I was doing takeout orders at the restaurant I work at. I spent a long while putting together this guy's $135.00 order. When he finally got there to pick it up, I told him to fill out the credit card slip. I looked at it after he left. He gave me a 40 cent tip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 073

You deserved it 4 545

By lkvetched - 30/08/2016 17:23 - United States - Palestine

Today, I got food poisoning in the middle of the wilderness while hiking in a state park with my husband. I had to tend to nature several times before we reached our car. The only supplies I had was a bottle of water and a laminated trail map. It was part of an anniversary trip. How romantic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 893

You deserved it 1 025

Oh, hai Mark!

By Bribri - 18/11/2009 05:23 - United States

Today, my mom's "hobby" of rescuing homeless people became very real. We now have 3 more people living in our house, and none of them have a sense of personal space. I wake up to their faces in my windows. Thanks mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 810

You deserved it 2 454

By Username - 14/03/2011 06:53

Today, my ex-girlfriend moved out. I came back to a sparsely furnished home, she even took the shower head, my beard trimmer, and the soap from the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 019

You deserved it 5 637

Too stupid

By Anonymous - 15/02/2020 01:00

Today, I was picking my nose so aggressively that I flicked a booger right into my eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 456

You deserved it 2 180

By toadface - 04/08/2009 23:25 - United States

Today, I took my puppy outside to play. At one point, she stopped chewing on her toy and ran over to give me a big kiss all over my face and mouth. A few minutes later I realized that her chew toy was actually the dried up carcass of a toad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 452

You deserved it 7 946

Not how it works...

By Anonymous - 28/02/2017 00:00 - Canada

Today, my classmate told me she can copy an article from the internet and hand that in, as long as she cites it at the end. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 953

You deserved it 401

By chunderful202 - 24/12/2012 08:46 - United Kingdom - Romford

Today, I woke up with a hangover from hell. My clothes were stained with vomit, I was propped up on the sofa with a bowl between my knees, and my hair tied to one side. My mum was taking photos to send to Grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 772

You deserved it 41 394

Backstabbers

By Anonymous - 23/07/2021 12:01 - United States

Today, after I applied for an IT position at work, and a coworker I’ve worked with for 3 years, who said she had no intention on applying, wished me luck and told me, "I hope you get it!" it's now a week later and it turns out she applied the next day, got the offer and accepted. I had to find out a week later from a different coworker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 015

You deserved it 77

Intense

By AloneAtPerkins - 21/12/2020 23:04

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend and it started getting heated. I climbed on top of him and took his shirt off, but I guess my brain had a different idea. I ended up clinging to him for dear life because my brain decided that now was a good time for a seizure. Mood ruined. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 513

You deserved it 93

Chili beans

By "Caroline Ballard Turner" - 22/12/2019 14:00

Today, I woke up to find that there has been a water main break in my neighborhood and there is no running water until the break is located and fixed. I had chili with beans late last night and it is wreaking havoc with my lower gastrointestinal track, and the toilet won't flush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 013

You deserved it 216

By wormiformed - 03/10/2015 04:14 - New Zealand

Today, I had an emergency appendectomy, so I texted my boss to let him know about the situation. He replied that it'd be good for my continued employment prospects if I come into work tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 870

You deserved it 1 526

By Anonymous - 19/10/2009 08:46 - United States

Today, I started my first day at work, I've been unemployed for a while and am in college, so naturally I have no money. At the end of my shift, I ask what we do with the extra bread, and they tell me to throw it away. Being poor and hungry, I decide to take the bread home. I got fired for stealing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 338

You deserved it 10 265

By thammer - 24/03/2012 13:20 - United States - Appleton

Today, at my grandmother's funeral there was a fight about inheritance. It was my teenage daughters arguing about what they get when I die. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 810

You deserved it 3 025

By ccat209 - 20/12/2016 04:05 - United States - Riverton

Today, my parents finally realized that I've been sneaking vodka when they weren't home. Note to self: don't let them freeze vodka that's actually 75% water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 660

You deserved it 8 942

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Top comments

pewp 5

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Tuesday 10 March 2009 13:25

well, im assuming you are in high school since you went to a dance. so you may not have learned this quite yet, when you rub up on a guy's d*ck, it gets hard. what did you think you were rubbing up on when you were grinding with him? and what do you mean you stood up? were you laying down and grinding?

citylights 0

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Tuesday 10 March 2009 9:05

hhahahahahahahahahah

citylights 0

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Tuesday 10 March 2009 9:05

hhahahahahahahahahah

Allybuns 0

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Wednesday 24 March 2010 22:49

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

RoryStorm239 0

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Monday 29 March 2010 6:56

and your spelling!! :D

immazombeastxD 0

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Saturday 7 August 2010 8:25

could you feel something move in his pants? Unless you where grabbing his crotch

GameRater01 0

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Tuesday 10 March 2009 9:11

he lies, or did he actually pick it up?

Infamous_Hawk 6

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 7:27

lol "her" username is Joe

Miss_the_Man 0

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Sunday 10 April 2011 16:37

Wahaha, indeedXD Fack HIS life??

facilitator 0

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Tuesday 13 September 2011 22:33

Coulb be joeanne for all we know, canadians are wierd like that

Nooblah 15

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Monday 6 January 2014 22:08

How can a country and it's people be "wierd?"

JBChristian 46

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Friday 30 September 2016 8:07

Don't ask me, ask them.

Tehalon 0

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Tuesday 10 March 2009 9:27

#3, He's a jerk? (S)he was grinding with him and steps away when (s)he thinks he gets a hard on. (most likely a he seeing as Joe doesnt sound very feminine) Don't be a frikking tease.

I_lost_the_game 25

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Tuesday 6 March 2012 21:10

Female, says so in the corner, or next to the name

justindrew14 29

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Friday 16 January 2015 7:17

I'm a girl as seen in the picture and I have a male name on my account there could be a ton of reasons for her having a male name on her account. Don't judge someone by the name.

hollyperk716 0

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Tuesday 10 March 2009 10:23

I can top that. I had a guy jizz on my ass while we were grinding one time. I don't know how that's really physically possible, but apparently, it is.

Allybuns 0

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Wednesday 24 March 2010 22:47

um that's fucking nasty and I'm sure you're making that up

Kirlyfoo 9

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Sunday 11 December 2011 14:20

Thats hot

ijrnelson 0

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Tuesday 10 March 2009 11:55

That's a good shout #4, I thought that was the POINT in grinding up on someone. I agree with he was lying too, probably did have a hard one, unless he actually took out his phone afterwards and proved it. So this FML is wrong on oh so many levels.

kagome_eb 0

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Tuesday 10 March 2009 12:24

I say you deserve it for grinning on him. gross, go learn how to dance something that doesn't include you all over a guy like that! dancing is to make the guy come to you, not make you look like...well...a dog.