Kids: Today, I was babysitting my co-workers son. He was eating jell-o... - FML

By Noname - Canada

Today, I was babysitting my co-workers son. He was eating jell-o and spilt it on his top, so I pulled off his pj's, and went in his room to grab a new pair. I heard a thunk and ran to find him out cold on the floor. His parents walked in on me trying to wake up their naked 3 year old. FML

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Narcissist

Entitled

Recycling helps

By BrokeCollegeStudent

It's a doggy dog world

Today, I got a call from my mom-in-law saying I have to buy my own food. I took 3 weeks off on unpaid vacation and came out of state to watch my in-laws' house and dog sit while they go out of country. I'm not allowed to touch their food, even the spoiling stuff. My husband doesn't believe me. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I started a new job at a glass shop and my boss asked me to vacuum. I ended up tipping over and shattering the most expensive bong in the shop, which retailed at $3,000. FML

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By alikat - United States

Today, I found out that the noise I thought was a mouse in my room was a water bottle shaking when my refrigerator turned on. I stayed up till 4am looking for a mouse that didn't exist. FML

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By chickenshit4 - United States - Pine Ridge

Today, my 43 year old mother came home covered in hickeys. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dallas

Today, I asked my girlfriend's dad for permission to take her hand in marriage. He said no, because he doesn't want her marrying a "sexist idiot who treats her like property", which he thinks asking permission amounts to, then told me to grow up. FML

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By Atropos

Today, I went to the campus health office because I had some VERY strong pains in my side. I thought my appendix was about to burst. I asked the receptionist for a doctor, but she said they were all out of the office until later, and kindly offered to make me an appointment for mid June. FML

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By RosaMaravillosa - Netherlands - Amsterdam

Today, after being constipated a few days, I used the restroom at a bar. It took a loooong time before I got out. As I went to exit the bar, only the employees were still there, waiting for me because they had closed 30 minutes ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

To each their own

Today, taking a piss still gives me more pleasure than masturbation or sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2020 20:01

Disappointed

Today, my phone received a text which rarely happens. While getting my phone, I stubbed my toe, just to see a message from a telemarketer. Now my toe hurts and I didn’t even want what they were selling. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Columbus

Today, my boyfriend and I were at a park, alone, late at night. Things were getting kind of heavy and he started undressing me, when we heard a loud "Hey!" and a flashlight coming through the bushes. My boyfriend then decided to ditch me, while still holding my shirt and bra. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my boss told me I wasn't getting the promotion I'd been angling for. I was so pissed off, I ranted to a coworker about it over lunch. Turns out my boss was just testing how I dealt with rejection before making his final decision. He overheard my rant and me calling him a Nazi bitch. FML

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By owowowow - Canada

Today, I found out how much it hurts to be shot with a paintball in your open mouth. My mouth was only open to say I was hit. FML

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By love-shot - United States - Hays

Today, I discovered that when my crush leans in to kiss me, I get so nervous I throw up. Then throw up again thinking about how embarrassed I am. FML

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By piercingfreak - New Zealand

Today, I went in to see my piercer. He took one look at my piercing I got a few months ago and laughed saying "What a shit job, I'm sorry but that's pretty crappy because it's not even straight!" I then had to awkwardly explain it was indeed him who had pierced me. FML

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By ForeverAlone - Ukraine

Today, there was a big party at my workplace. The only person that was socializing with me in any way was my co-workers 4-year-old daughter. Before leaving, she drew smiley faces on plastic plates and napkins and gave them to me so I "will have some friends and not be all alone". FML

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By shortyybrooke

Today, my wife sat beside me on the ledge of the bathtub because she wanted to make out. I was on the toilet. Shitting. FML

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By birdbath - United States

Today, I ran into a bird. Not with my car, with my face. It was so scared, it crapped all over me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Warrensburg

Today, I shaved my vagina for the first time ever. Had sex with my husband and then asked if he liked that. He said, "You've done that before, though". I haven't. We've been married 15 years. FML

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By Screwed Up - United States

Today, I went to therapy. I started talking about my childhood and my life. By the time the session was over my therapist was crying. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I had an argument. She admitted she didn't know why she was pissed at me, but still is, and now she won't talk to me. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, I had to repeat my order in Starbucks three times because the barista was staring at my chest. FML

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By Evil_Egbert - Netherlands

Today, I found out that when I masturbate at night while watching internet porn I cast a huge shadow on the curtain and the entire street is able to see it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Norwalk

Today, I was house-sitting for my friend. He was late to return and I ended up falling asleep on the couch and having a dream where I violently shat myself and suddenly developed a six-pack. When I woke up, I found the dream was half true. FML

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By hot_shot - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because we watched a movie that Taylor Lautner was in, she claims they made special eye contact and they are destined to be together. FML

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By FattyMcFatterson - United States

Today, in the shower, a dime fell on my foot. The only place it could have come from? One of my fat rolls. FML

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By Kyle - United States - Alpharetta

Today, I was told I look like a Simpson. I don't have blond hair, or any of the features of them. So I asked which one. I was told Homer because we both could use Weight Watchers and an education. FML

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By Fox_Undercover - United States - Wareham

Today, my dentist pulled the wrong tooth. FML

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By whatrights - United States

Today, I learned that "Officer, I do not consent to any searches" means "Officer, please handcuff me, I am trying to be difficult" in cop speak. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/8/2020 05:02

Bored

Today, I'm considering working as an escort again, to get some human closeness, have interesting conversations and feel wanted and appreciated. I'm actually in a steady relationship; I guess it’s not a very good one. FML

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By paula.isabel

Today, I was in a car crash. While I was being immobilised by the paramedics to be taken to the nearest hospital, the passenger of the other car, who didn't have a single scratch, touched my shoulder and said, "It doesn't matter, nobody got hurt." FML

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By CheeseMonsters - United Kingdom

Today, I went to get my friend a drink while she sat in the lounge watching TV with my dog. When I came back, I found her licking my dogs ears. She said he dared her to do it. FML

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By Bes - Canada

Today, at school, I was trying to pee in the stall, but I couldn't. I repeatedly pushed my bladder. Unfortunately, I didn't realize a number of thing. My stall was open, I made noises from frustration, and I looked like I was jacking off. When I gave up, somebody clapped and yelled, "FINALLY!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Crystal Lake

Today, it was my son's fifth birthday. I asked my grandmother, who is a baker, to make a birthday cake for the party. Two hours after the party started, she arrived drunk with a large ham with candles in it. FML

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By "chris_lillo" - 31/1/2020 18:00 - United States - Waco

Late reaction

Today I bought a new cage, along with some toys, for my bird. I came home to find my bird had escaped its old cage. FML

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By Britishboy1991

Today, I should be working on my big project for work due next week. Instead, I'm walking in and out of the block to get all my things from my flat. My roommate lied about paying the rent for months now and has actually spending all the money on lotto tickets. And no, he didn't win anything. FML

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By hopelesscollegestudent - Canada

Today, I asked my college chemistry teacher for some much-needed help. Instead of explaining anything to me, she scoffed that if I don't understand something, I should "just Google it." FML

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By anonymous - Czech Republic

Today, my boyfriend, who is rather large, picked me up to give me a hug, and some over-eager security guard actually pointed his tazer at him and told him to put me down. So he put me down and tried to ask what he'd done wrong. The bastard tazed him for acting aggressively. FML

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By TheNotSoGoodDay - United States - Charlestown

Today, my brothers thought it would be funny to put me inside a huge luggage bag we got for a trip to Canada. It was all fun and games until they dragged me outside, kicked me down a few steps, and left me stuck in the bag, locked outside with the cat. FML

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By oh, shit...... - Denmark - Bagsv?rd

Today, I was at the gym. At the end of my workout, I realised I lost the bundle of keys I had in my pocket that contained the key to my locker with all my stuff. I panic and start looking for them. After an hour of desperate searching, I find them thrown in the bottom of the public toilet. Thanks. FML

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By Anonymous - India - Mumbai

Today, I found a piece of erotic fiction on my brother's computer. It involved two lesbian teenagers, who just so happened to have the same names and physical descriptions as my sister and me. FML

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Top comments

By ozzie2010 | 0

#24065 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 9:17

dude, take the kid with you nxt time...

By lametta | 0

#24085 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 9:56

Jello isn't liquidy... unless he mushed it into his pjs, you could've just picked it off and wiped the sticky off. No need to change them.

Regardless, you shouldn't have left him alone.

COMMENTS

By Mnemic | 5

#24056 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 9:09

At least you made sure he couldn't fall or something....

By ozzie2010 | 0

#24065 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 9:17

dude, take the kid with you nxt time...

By Tehalon | 0

#24072 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 9:30

So he fell asleep naked in the chair in which he was eating jell-o from just a moment ago? Wish i could fall asleep so quickly.

Reply

Link5794 | 18

#5007843 - Friday 5 October 2012 17:38

I thought he fell and got knocked out.

By lametta | 0

#24085 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 9:56

Jello isn't liquidy... unless he mushed it into his pjs, you could've just picked it off and wiped the sticky off. No need to change them.

Regardless, you shouldn't have left him alone.

Reply

_CauseBatMan | 5

#5966550 - Friday 6 June 2014 6:05

It was probably watery jello or something I mean he is 3...

Reply

zanathegirl | 6

#6623345 - Wednesday 8 June 2016 6:19

maaaybe it was Jell-O brand pudding? that stuff stains fast.

By hybridstar | 0

#24089 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 10:11

poor kid...

By MasaMushia | 0

#24119 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 11:15

Think of this as a new opportunity for another job!

By Chibi_fml | 9

#24128 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 11:39

The first rule of babysitting young children is to never leave them alone. I guess you discovered the reason for that the hard way.

Reply

chiddy_bang71 | 0

#3223352 - Friday 2 September 2011 16:57

No, the first rule of baby sitting is don't have sex with the baby.

By ijrnelson | 0

#24136 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 11:57

#8 I also think the rule of babysitting is don't take their clothes off and leave them naked in the living room!

Especially in the Everyones-a-perve world we live in these days.

By Gringo_fml | 0

#24142 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 12:08

Sigh, even my 12 year old cousin knows not to leave a baby on their own...

Good luck getting another chance

Reply

KxHoneyCombxP | 24

#6230674 - Friday 13 March 2015 6:55

3 yr olds aren't babies. I have a 3 year old and I leave that kid (relatively) to his own devices while I am in another room since he was 2.

By fortunecookie_fml | 0

#24226 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 14:15

this doesn't make sense at all. you can't "spill" jello? and even if you did, it wouldn't mess up something so bad that you would have to change it. I would understand if you were making it... but you obviously weren't soooooooooo...

Reply

BagelPower | 0

#987820 - Monday 3 May 2010 5:16

Auctually some Jello brands put liquid in the plastic cup, to help it last longer. And they do get messy. How do you think Jello is made? I have had bad experiances with Jello while babysitting.