Intimacy: Today, I was watching an animal behavior movie. All of a sudden,...

By stpdaziandude - United States

Today, I was watching an animal behavior movie. All of a sudden, it brings up two snails going at it. I got hard watching it. FML

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Intimacy

Family values

And today, on Dr Phil…

Temporarily Embarrassed Millionaires

By Dan - United States

Today, I got a call from my ex asking if I could fix her computer. I brought my 7 year old son with me. On the way I told him, how I hated her, but I can't be rude. Once we get there, I say to her "it's nice to see you." My son says "but I thought you said you want her to fall off a bridge?" FML

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By ProudASDmom - Canada - Chilliwack

Today, my son's first impression of our new neighborhood was to be yelled at by the first kid he tried to introduce himself to, because my son was on the edge of their lawn. Half-an-hour later, I got a lecture at the corner store, because the clerk thinks vaccinations caused my son's autism. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend informed me that in the event of a zombie apocalypse, he'd kill me before I got infected. FML

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By NotSoCool - Singapore

Today, I was pulling my trolley luggage at the airport when I passed 2 cute girls smiling at me. Thinking I looked real cool, I kept on walking without paying heed to anything else. Then my brother shouted asking me what was I doing, only to realise that the handle had come off a few metres back. FML

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By be_so_slick_56 - United States

Today, I found on the internet pictures of me sleeping. I sleep naked. FML

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By WTF? - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I got kicked out of English class shortly after our teacher told us we have to write an essay on how the storyline of Harry Potter is one big allegory for "the futility of socialism." Apparently, reacting with disbelief makes me a "disruptive influence." FML

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By deerslayer559

Today, while playing golf, I hit my ball near some tall grass along the edge of the water. Unbeknownst to me, there was an alligator hiding in the grass. He growled at me during my shot, causing me to put the ball directly into the pond. Alligator: 1 Me: 0. FML

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By winner winner chicken dinner

Today, I finally won at bingo after playing every Thursday night for months. It was a $750 bingo. I split with 85 other winners. My share was $8. FML

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By neta_1996 - United States - Mabelvale

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me two days before my birthday. Only to make it worse, I found out that he had been texting my mother on how to break up with me. To make it even worse, she was giving him tips. FML

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By FootFlakes - United States - Boston

Today, I had to explain to my girlfriend once again that the dry skin she picks off her feet belong in the trash, not on our coffee table. FML

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By Laci - United States

Today, I was stuck crouching over the toilet after a night of drinking. My fiancé walked in, gathered my hair, and held it out of the way. When another wave of nausea hit me and I leaned in, he shoved my face into the bowl and ran out, laughing and yelling, "That'll teach ya!" FML

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By Benchlover - United Kingdom

Today, I realized two things: how much time I've spent waiting between lectures, and just how bad my love life is. I found out that I get incredibly jealous when somebody sits on my favourite bench in the centre of the campus. FML

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By fedUPwithPEOPLE - United States - Enterprise

Today, the city shut off our water, because they said we didn't pay the bill. Turns out, it was sitting on their desk the whole time. I guess sending someone out to turn off our water was easier than checking to see if we'd actually paid the bill. FML

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By Scabby - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend pulling off scabs and eating them. My scabs. FML

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By Msrebound

Today, even my 11-year-old noticed how much my boyfriend constantly reminisces about his ex-girlfriend. FML

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By lisahb - United States - Detroit

Today, my mom took me to dinner. She told me about an argument that she and her boyfriend had, and she showed me the texts. While reading, I learned that she smells his dick before sucking it. FML

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By FML.. - China

Today, I was going to have sex with my Hispanic boyfriend. I wanted to turn him on, so I asked my friend how to say "fuck me" in Spanish. She claimed it was 'pollo frito'. I then had sex, constantly screaming 'pollo frito' for an hour. I later realized I was screaming "fried chicken." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my cousin and I found out that when a girl puts a flower in the right side of her hair, it means she's available. The bigger the flower, the more available she is. My eleven year old boy cousin told me to cut down a palm tree and put it in my hair. FML

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By Apparently not a writer - United States - Hockessin

Today, I uploaded the first chapter of my best writing yet to a popular writing website. After ten minutes, I was thrilled to already see one review and five comments. Each comment was telling me to immediately delete the story because of how horrible it was. The rating was half a star. FML

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By Carrie - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my water broke while my boyfriend was breaking up with me. FML

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By I'm disgusting

Today, my girlfriend caught me using my T-shirt as a tissue. Again. FML

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By toastedguy - United States

Today, I went on my first date in a long time. We went to see "New Moon." After the girl stole my hat, I grabbed her phone. While trying to get it back, she held a lighter to me, threatening me. Next thing I know my beard is on fire, so not only did I have to sit through horrible acting, I got burnt. FML

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By kay51 - United Kingdom

Today, my room-mates were inspired by a TV show to make a "douchebag jar", into which we have to put money every time we say something obnoxious. It seems like I can't open my mouth without having to cough up £10. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I marked the 6th anniversary of the last time I had intercourse. FML

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By You're NOT getting lucky today hun - Australia - Melbourne

Today, after confronting my boyfriend about cheating on me, he confessed to everything. I was caught off guard by his honesty, but not nearly as caught off guard as I was when he eagerly questioned me on when our breakup sex will be. FML

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By erpuchi - Dominican Republic

Today, my girlfriend got a great idea for her history class project... while we were having sex. FML

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By Liz - United States

Today, I had to watch my neighbor's daughter for 10 hours. She wouldn't eat anything I had to offer, so I ordered a pizza for $19 + a $5 tip = $24. Her father came by to pick her up, thanked me, and gave me a $20 bill. I effectively just paid to watch his kid. FML

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By craZycatLady - United States - Mission

Today, while spring cleaning, my cat came into the kitchen with a live mouse in her mouth. She looked me dead in the eyes and dropped the mouse, which then ran into my bedroom. It's been 4 hours and I still can't find it. Where's the cat? Chilling like nothing happened. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I almost died in the shower when I slipped and my dumbass self tried to grab the water. FML

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By Lisa - United States - Bayside

Today, my boyfriend told me that the main reason he was dating me was because he was intimidated by pretty girls. FML

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By CatofSteel

Today, my cat cracked my phone screen by sneezing on it. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was in the shower, oblivious to the outside world, when four police officers who had apparently been banging at my door, entered by force. They were doing a bust on a weed farm and got the wrong house. FML

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By dead_painter - United States - Arlington

Today, after spending hours of my time painting sets for the last two months - with less dedication than only the head painter herself, and to the point where my health and grades suffered - I finally got to see the play I worked so hard on. I was the only one they forgot to put in the playbill. FML

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By lisha182 - Australia

Today, I got demoted from my manager's position, only to be replaced by a 21 year old who has never worked in retail in her life. I now have to spend the next month teaching her my job so they can fire me. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, our cat died. My husband and I had a touching bonding moment together. Our relationship has been strained for months, and I thought this could bring us closer. He decided to bring up politics. FML

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By sickly

Today, my friend came over with brownies as a treat before work. She works in a bakery so I thought it was lovely. After starting work, I became stoned. She thought it was a great prank. I was fired. FML

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By so bored -__- - United States

Today, my parents dragged me along to a family soccer game. I got so bored watching a bunch of grown men practically buttfucking each other between kicking balls around the field, that I fell asleep. I woke up a few hours later to an empty field and had to walk five miles back home. FML

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By GaveAnInchTakeAMile - United States

Today, my brother's friend was about to drive home drunk, so I convinced him to think and not be stupid. It wasn't an invitation to puke on my floor then try to crawl into bed with me. FML

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By Lizzzyygurl - United States

Today, a foreigner walked into my restaurant to pick up his pizzas. The bill was $25 and he gave me $30 and a 100 dollar bill. I gave him his change from the 30 and I didn't understand so I gave him back the 100 dollars. He said "Well if you dont want it, okay." He was gonna tip me $100. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2020 20:02

Johnny Weissmuller over here

Today, I was walking in the woods with the girl I like when I saw a vine overhanging a small creek. Trying to make her laugh, I took off my shirt and started swinging on the vine like Tarzan. The vine snapped and I fell into the creek. Guess who's missing half the skin on his back? FML

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Top comments

By Komatose | 0

#180390 - Friday 8 May 2009 23:28

Oh come on people.

Snails are sexy as HELL!

Especially since they're too slow to get away...

By ilikerainbows | 0

#180388 - Friday 8 May 2009 23:28

i think i've seen that movie. i gotta admit, it was some pretty hot snail sex.

COMMENTS

By iKaite | 0

#180357 - Friday 8 May 2009 23:23

There is nothing other to say then... ew.

shepaintsmusic | 6

#1053336 - Friday 2 July 2010 5:15

that's not gross what's gross about interspecies erotica?

yeah no that's narsty

shasui | 3

#1123967 - Thursday 22 July 2010 10:45

that's just nasty op

By the_boss_fml | 0

#180364 - Friday 8 May 2009 23:25

wow WTF is wrong with you...
fyl indeed

saa994 | 0

#439475 - Wednesday 29 July 2009 8:51

YDI for watching snail porn.

danyfuckinheatle | 0

#1006599 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 7:39

WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU????!????!?

MidniteRainbow | 0

#1026497 - Thursday 10 June 2010 21:40

what movie?

RunnerBack33 | 1

#1031867 - Wednesday 16 June 2010 5:07

in soviet china, snail goes at it with you.

Mouldy666 | 0

#1037592 - Sunday 20 June 2010 23:11

nasty...

WTFjizzinmypantz | 0

#1107793 - Monday 19 July 2010 3:02

SNAIL PORN

deepunder | 17

#5470178 - Monday 29 April 2013 5:29

Probably getting hard since they're going faster than u can dream of

By JustCallMeCloud | 0

#180366 - Friday 8 May 2009 23:25

You disgust me.

By 88bellydancer | 0

#180367 - Friday 8 May 2009 23:26

haha you need a girl mate!

By Nizzit | 1

#180371 - Friday 8 May 2009 23:26

wat

frikkinhannah | 0

#986430 - Thursday 29 April 2010 4:31

Snail porn is still porn I guess...
better than that guy who got hard eating a Big Mac. o_O

By fyourlife11 | 0

#180378 - Friday 8 May 2009 23:27

ahahahahahahahahahhahahaaha Its not your fault man I get hard watching snails get dirty all the time!

22cute | 17

#4589957 - Wednesday 20 June 2012 8:47

Actually I've seen a movie with slug sex & it is amazingly beautiful and erotic.
You should see octopus sex as well. Hot!
Lol

By CupidSparrow | 0

#180380 - Friday 8 May 2009 23:27

That is the dumbest FML I've ever seen. Why would you even want to share that?

windfuelsfire | 10

#4282228 - Monday 9 April 2012 22:26

That is the dumbest FML comment I've ever seen. Why would you even want to share that?

By WellThatSuckz | 14

#180384 - Friday 8 May 2009 23:28

You should keep some things to your self,Snail lover >>

By ilikerainbows | 0

#180388 - Friday 8 May 2009 23:28

i think i've seen that movie. i gotta admit, it was some pretty hot snail sex.

By Komatose | 0

#180390 - Friday 8 May 2009 23:28

Oh come on people.

Snails are sexy as HELL!

Especially since they're too slow to get away...

dakins | 0

#2456447 - Wednesday 4 May 2011 8:52

omg lol.... prob the funniest comment on here