Today, I was watching an animal behavior movie. All of a sudden,...

By stpdaziandude - 8/5/2009 20:51 - United States

Today, I was watching an animal behavior movie. All of a sudden, it brings up two snails going at it. I got hard watching it. FML

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Intimacy

Work name

Dad jokes, part 43884

DINOSAURS!!

By pray for me - 15/8/2019 04:00

Today, I'm so broke after my recent divorce that I stole toilet paper from my church. I'm the pastor. FML

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By stupidprankster - 9/3/2012 10:10 - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny to scare my dad for once, since he has scared me for fun dozens of times. It would have been funny, had he not punched me in the face. FML

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By Igor - 19/12/2012 05:16 - United States - Lansdale

Today, I have a very uncomfortable cyst in my armpit and a sprained ankle both on my right side, resulting in me limping and keeping my arm awkwardly plastered to my side. My fiancé keeps walking like me and calling me Igor, saying "Yes, Master" whenever I ask him for something. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2019 02:00

Today, at work, I came back from my break to find a child covered in mud. Turns out it wasn't mud. One of the other children had taken all of the poop out of their diaper and smeared it all over the floor, walls, and other children. The other teacher hadn't noticed, and I had to clean it all up. FML

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By seriously? - 27/5/2014 22:23 - United States - Manassas

Today, I discovered that my dad still doesn't consider my career as an app developer a "real job". FML

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By hockeymango57 - 24/9/2017 23:15

J'accuse...!

Today, one of my friends blew a giant vape cloud and the principal saw and called us into his office. We blamed each other, so the principal checked both of our backpacks. Apparently, my friend snuck his pen into my bag somehow. I don't even vape. FML

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By Rachel - 23/10/2014 04:04 - United States - Waynesburg

Today, I was passing notes in class with my crush. I started to pour my heart out and tell him about how I've liked him for years. I was caught by the teacher. He looked at it, laughed, and tore it up. He then looked at me and said, "I just saved you from years of embarrassment. You're welcome." FML

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By UglyGirl - 8/11/2015 09:34 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I waved at a baby while standing in line in a store. It started screaming. Its mom looked over in mild concern and gave me a disturbed glare before moving to the next checkout counter over. FML

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By Jessica - 19/3/2011 21:13 - Romania

Today, at 21 years of age, my doctor confirmed that I am, indeed, going bald. It wouldn't be such a bad thing, even expected, if I wasn't a woman. FML

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By Poopsie - 13/8/2018 06:00

Today, I went to the ER due to intense headaches. My partner was unable to go with me so he called his father to drive me. My father-in-law now knows that every time I orgasm my head feels like it will explode. He also knows that it happened 4 times last week. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2010 19:04 - United Kingdom

Today, I put an anonymous note under my neighbour's door asking them to not have sex so loudly during the day. Since then, I haven't heard any sex. Unfortunately, I have heard a woman crying loudly because she just found out about her husband's affair. FML

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By umm...no - 31/10/2016 14:33 - United States - Keller

Today, I answered a call from a customer. She expected me to exchange her item without her actually having to go to one of our 800+ stores. FML

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By mom2010 - 15/12/2010 15:07 - United States

Today, my fiancé told me that he doesn't think cheating is a big deal because everybody does it. FML

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By ellinor - 17/9/2010 20:33 - Sweden

Today, I was walking outside when I saw my best friend about 100 meters away. I began running towards her, arms flailing, screaming out a tribal battle cry. It wasn't until I was nearly on top of her that I realised it was someone else. FML

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By Miller_Time - 18/3/2009 18:45 - United States

Today, I woke up at three in the morning when two cops busted in the door to my apartment and a frantic voice on my cellphone saying "Sir? Sir? Are you all right? Sir?" Turns out I had been having a nightmare and dreamed I called 911. I actually did. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/2/2016 18:47 - United States - San Francisco

Today, a teacher told me in all seriousness that she believes my son, who has severe learning difficulties, is likely demonically possessed. I'm sorry, but what century are we living in? Now I have to get him moved to another school so he doesn't have to be in the care of this nutjob. FML

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By notalcoholic - 9/12/2009 05:29 - Philippines

Today, my roommate gave me a self-help book on alcoholism for my birthday. He's an alcoholic. I gave him that book around 8 months ago. FML

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By 1337fade - 7/4/2011 05:19 - Denmark

Today, my wife figured that a good foreplay move would be to rub MY underwear in MY face. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/5/2013 16:48 - Norway

Today, I decided to end things with my boyfriend, thinking it would be fine since things have never been at all serious between us. He cried for hours before having his grandmother text me to say how heartless I am. FML

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By Alright. - 24/9/2012 08:15 - United States - Missoula

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he says, "There's too much of an age gap between us" and that it makes him "feel like a pedophile". He's only four months older than I am. FML

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By drugbaby - 18/12/2009 19:23 - United States

Today, I was talking to my aunt about my brother's recent arrest for drug possession. I proudly told her that I have never done drugs of any kind. Her response: "Well, actually you were born addicted to heroin, so you had a drug problem long before your brother." FML

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By rugs - 6/8/2010 04:40 - United States

Today, while moving, I asked my wife where she put the alcohol. She told me she threw it out, because it was old. It was Scotch. It's supposed to be old. FML

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By skrumpp - 20/3/2014 16:15

Today, I had a text message when I woke up. I was excited as I usually don't get texts from people. Turns out it was from T-Mobile. They text me more than actual people do. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/3/2011 18:25 - United States

Today, as I couldn't get the airplane seat buckle to buckle, I faced the fact that I've been in denial about how fat I have become. The people in my row faced it too as I began to sob uncontrollably. FML

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By freakingout - 4/9/2012 21:55 - United States - Roslyn

Today, it was my first day back at school. My social anxiety is so bad that I couldn't even raise my hand to use the bathroom because I didn't want people to look at me. FML

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By purple - 29/1/2010 11:22 - France

Today, I went to a camp my friend invited me to, thinking we'd just be roasting marshmallows all day and hanging out outside. Nope. It was a soul searching, "get closer to Jesus" camp. The first five hours were spent repeatedly praying and singing. I'm not a Christian. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2018 03:30 - United States - Anchorage

Today, my sister put a piece of leather in my homemade beef jerkey to prove a point. I ate it. FML

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By seamonkeys - 21/3/2013 09:42 - United States

Today, a pregnant friend who is due in 2 weeks posted a picture of a baby on Facebook. I commented congratulations. She's still pregnant. It was a picture of her baby who died 3 years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2012 00:26 - Canada - Scarborough

Today, I held hands with a male mannequin in a department store, just to remember what holding hands felt like. FML

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By duncan74 - 10/12/2014 03:23 - France - Balma

Today, my cats found a new game to play. They each sit on either side of the cat flap, and take turns hitting it. Clack, clack. Clack, clack. At 3 am. Clack, clack. Clack, clack. FML

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By blueberry_hill - 11/12/2010 16:16 - United States

Today, my thirteen month old son woke me up at 6AM on my day off, by punching me in the eye. FML

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By Uneducated - 26/1/2019 20:00

Today, my dad informed me that I’d not be progressing into next year’s class because it’s a waste of money. But it’s fine because my twin will be learning for the both of us. FML

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By parentalissues - 15/2/2013 15:50 - United States

Today, whilst on a phone interview with a college I really want to go to, my mother picks up the other line and shouts into the phone "She's not going to college, she's lazy and she'll only disappoint you." The interviewer hung up before I could say anything. FML

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By sasquatch21 - 21/2/2010 13:36 - Bahrain

Today, I realized that my husband has a video games addiction. I am currently pregnant; he brought us to the same country he's in so we can finally live together, only for me to witness him being glued to his laptop all day and all night playing WoW. He's forgotten I even existed. FML

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By JTo - 3/3/2012 22:07 - United States

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend because I found an email he had written to an ex-fling telling her he was single and wanted to meet up. He wrote that email from my computer, in my apartment, on Valentine's Day. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2011 23:30 - United States

Today, a girl I've been crushing on for over a year finally gave me her number. I lost the note at home, but found it a few hours later. I excitedly called, only to find she'd written down the number for the local Pizza Hut. FML

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By justagirl - 2/12/2014 05:40 - United States - Roseville

Today, while in bed with my boyfriend of 2 years, he mentioned what it would be like if he had sex with anyone other than me. I mentioned the same about him. He quickly yelled, "No, you're a woman. You are mine!" FML

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By sixsix - 24/12/2008 11:19 - France

Today, I made love to my girlfriend. I penetrated her for a while, then stopped to get my breath back... She carried on moaning even though I'd stopped moving. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2012 00:11 - United States - Castle Rock

Today, after eight months of unemployment, I finally started at my new night job. Shortly after walking in, my boss came up behind me, whispered "hooorse dicksss" in my ear, and walked off without another word. I am terrified. FML

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By D-Man - 8/2/2012 13:08 - United States

Today, I found out that my ex-girlfriend got engaged to a co-worker. I got her the job. FML

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Top comments

By Komatose | 0

#180390 - Friday 8 May 2009 23:28

Oh come on people.

Snails are sexy as HELL!

Especially since they're too slow to get away...

By ilikerainbows | 0

#180388 - Friday 8 May 2009 23:28

i think i've seen that movie. i gotta admit, it was some pretty hot snail sex.

Comments

By iKaite | 0

#180357 - Friday 8 May 2009 23:23

There is nothing other to say then... ew.

shepaintsmusic | 6

#1053336 - Friday 2 July 2010 5:15

that's not gross what's gross about interspecies erotica?

yeah no that's narsty

shasui | 3

#1123967 - Thursday 22 July 2010 10:45

that's just nasty op

By the_boss_fml | 0

#180364 - Friday 8 May 2009 23:25

wow WTF is wrong with you...
fyl indeed

saa994 | 0

#439475 - Wednesday 29 July 2009 8:51

YDI for watching snail porn.

danyfuckinheatle | 0

#1006599 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 7:39

WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU????!????!?

MidniteRainbow | 0

#1026497 - Thursday 10 June 2010 21:40

what movie?

RunnerBack33 | 1

#1031867 - Wednesday 16 June 2010 5:07

in soviet china, snail goes at it with you.

Mouldy666 | 0

#1037592 - Sunday 20 June 2010 23:11

nasty...

WTFjizzinmypantz | 0

#1107793 - Monday 19 July 2010 3:02

SNAIL PORN

deepunder | 17

#5470178 - Monday 29 April 2013 5:29

Probably getting hard since they're going faster than u can dream of

By JustCallMeCloud | 0

#180366 - Friday 8 May 2009 23:25

You disgust me.

By 88bellydancer | 0

#180367 - Friday 8 May 2009 23:26

haha you need a girl mate!

By Nizzit | 1

#180371 - Friday 8 May 2009 23:26

wat

frikkinhannah | 0

#986430 - Thursday 29 April 2010 4:31

Snail porn is still porn I guess...
better than that guy who got hard eating a Big Mac. o_O

By fyourlife11 | 0

#180378 - Friday 8 May 2009 23:27

ahahahahahahahahahhahahaaha Its not your fault man I get hard watching snails get dirty all the time!

22cute | 17

#4589957 - Wednesday 20 June 2012 8:47

Actually I've seen a movie with slug sex & it is amazingly beautiful and erotic.
You should see octopus sex as well. Hot!
Lol

By CupidSparrow | 0

#180380 - Friday 8 May 2009 23:27

That is the dumbest FML I've ever seen. Why would you even want to share that?

windfuelsfire | 10

#4282228 - Monday 9 April 2012 22:26

That is the dumbest FML comment I've ever seen. Why would you even want to share that?

By WellThatSuckz | 14

#180384 - Friday 8 May 2009 23:28

You should keep some things to your self,Snail lover >>

By ilikerainbows | 0

#180388 - Friday 8 May 2009 23:28

i think i've seen that movie. i gotta admit, it was some pretty hot snail sex.

By Komatose | 0

#180390 - Friday 8 May 2009 23:28

Oh come on people.

Snails are sexy as HELL!

Especially since they're too slow to get away...

dakins | 0

#2456447 - Wednesday 4 May 2011 8:52

omg lol.... prob the funniest comment on here