Today, I was watching an animal behavior movie. All of a sudden,...

By stpdaziandude - 8/5/2009 20:51 - United States

Today, I was watching an animal behavior movie. All of a sudden, it brings up two snails going at it. I got hard watching it. FML

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Intimacy

This is fine

Lockdown is driving us down

Risky business

By burnedboy - 18/1/2010 19:39 - United States

Today, I saw Avatar in iMax 3D. Towards the end of the movie I jump, yelled, and spilled my drink all over the people in front of me because I thought a burning piece of ash landed on my leg. FML

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By NightzGremlin - 12/9/2020 14:01

No sleep for the wicked

Today, I came home from work to find construction workers repaving my street. I work the graveyard shift. FML

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By bern5555 - 13/1/2010 05:29 - United States

Today, I was working with the kid I babysit for. We were out and he complained that he was hungry. I spent my very last $2 on chicken nuggets for him and a coffee for myself. Just as I sat down, he knocked over my coffee, spilling it into his chicken nuggets. Then he cried for over an hour. FML

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By VHBJ - 16/6/2015 16:13 - United States - Charlotte

Today, I went out to eat. When I walked into the restaurant, a lady approached me and said she'd seat me soon. After a long wait, I saw that same lady leave. Then I realized she didn't actually work there and was just screwing with me. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2020 07:02 - United Kingdom

People have lists?!

Today, I found my girlfriend's list of people she's slept with on her Google docs. There was 11 names after mine. FML

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By zuzu - 1/5/2019 14:00

Today, as I was making biscuits my mom joked, "Don't burn the house down." I told her "Don't worry, I know how to make biscuits." The oven caught fire. FML

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By "willkftw" - 14/4/2019 16:00

Today, despite putting all the food in the fridge, taking all the rubbish outside, cleaning the house top to bottom and setting up bait, we're still dealing with a bloody huge ant problem. I've now got a rash all over from being bitten while I sleep. FML

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By jayc80 - 20/5/2011 17:59 - Bermuda

Today, my boss scheduled a staff breakfast at a swanky new restaurant for all the hard work we've been doing. The dining area is on the roof, and the building has no elevator. I've been in a wheelchair for 11 years. When I brought this to my boss's attention, he said it wasn't his problem. FML

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By Black Cat 13 - 4/9/2010 06:52 - United States

Today, at work, a little girl was misbehaving. Her dad told her that she would look like me when she grows up. The little girl look horrified while Daddy laughed and kept reassuring her he was "just kidding." FML

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By Anonymous - 28/2/2013 22:33 - United Kingdom - Newtownards

Today, I fell down a flight of stairs at college. I was taken to hospital with a fractured ankle and had to call my parents to drive me home. They constantly made passive-aggressive remarks on the way home, because I'd "totally ruined" their plans to eat out at a fancy restaurant tonight. FML

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By babyblues - 20/11/2012 19:45 - United States - Woodhaven

Today, this guy I've been dating for a few months freaked out and called his mom crying, because I told him I might be pregnant with his baby. He is 27. I didn't even take a pregnancy test yet. FML

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By logic - 18/1/2016 15:16 - United Kingdom

Today, I was asked by my live-in landlord not to put too much water in the kettle because it made the utility bills too high. This is the same woman who takes daily baths. FML

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By Itsbeen8years - 5/4/2015 19:18 - Slovakia - Stupava

Today, I found my first bra and tried it on. It still fits. FML

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By left, I guess - 12/4/2015 17:00 - Canada - Antigonish

Today, I went on a blind date at a restaurant. While looking at the menu, my date said "Who even likes kweetch? Gross." When I realized she was trying to say "quiche", I corrected her. That pissed her off. Now I'm at home, alone, trying to decide which hand is going to keep me company tonight. FML

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By MomOfBoys - 22/12/2016 21:20

Today, it's early-release before Christmas break for the kiddos, and my awesome-sauce boss let them hang out in our law office for the afternoon. So far, one has puked in the conference room, and the other has clogged the toilet. Only 2 hours to go. FML

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By coffee - 7/3/2013 13:44 - United States

Today, after my coworker bought coffee for me for the fifth time, I thanked him and asked him why. Apparently it's the only way to get me to shut up in the morning so he can get work done. FML

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By Tib - 18/12/2009 06:42 - United States

Today, I had to take a urine test. I drank a lot of water so that I wouldn't force it. When I got there, I had to pee really bad. The cup was too small and when I relieved my bladder, it was a jet that rebounded off of the cup and overflowed going all over my hands, clothes, toilet, and floor. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2009 12:09 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years confessed that he was sleeping with me and 5 other girls while we first started dating. He told me he numbered us and rolled a die to see which one he would date. I guess I won. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2014 05:57 - Canada

Today, I bought my niece a plush My Little Pony figure for her birthday. Only after she unwrapped it did I realize that it was meant to be a sex toy for grown men. FML

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By Lisa - 24/4/2020 05:00

Confinement must be great

Today, my boyfriend and I broke up because he won’t stop inappropriately talking to other girls on social media. We live together and have 6 months left on our apartment lease. FML

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By JSF1234 - 11/5/2009 17:07 - United States

Today, I was taking the AP Biology exam. It’s strictly timed, yet my proctor spent 30 minutes (a third of the time we have) talking about his sexual relationship with his wife, who was also proctoring. I don’t know how I did on the test, but I now know my proctor had erectile dysfunction. FML

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By Sickinbed - 7/6/2011 10:27 - United States

Today, I was taking a nap in our country house. I was sick with a fever of 101.3. When I woke up, I see that my family had left to go back to the apartment. They forgot me. FML

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By FUUUUCK - 11/2/2014 20:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I was Skyping with a guy I'm really into. I'm not supposed to Skype at night, so when I heard my mum coming, I minimized the window. She walked in before I could mute my mic and started bitching me out for flushing my tampons down the toilet. FML

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By Bubba - 23/9/2009 20:48 - United States

Today, I bought a fish bowl and a fish for $15. I brought him home and sat him on my desk. Everything was going well until the shelf gave out and his bowl slid off of the shelf... onto my $2,000 computer. The computer is fried and is not covered by the insurance, the fish is fine. FML

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By wearyconsumer - 23/12/2016 05:29

Today, I threw out all the food in the freezer that my mom had been keeping since 2013. When she found out, she said, "frozen food doesn't go bad." FML

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By Anonymous - 18/5/2013 19:34 - United States - Coatesville

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because she apparently saw me making out with her sister. She doesn't even have a sister. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2011 13:56 - United Kingdom

Today, I lied to my diary about my weight. FML

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By "doyouwantmedead" - 21/8/2017 12:00 - United Kingdom - Northolt

Today, I asked my mom if I could go to a friend's birthday. She said no, claiming I had been to too many this year already. I'd only been to one. It was my own. FML

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By Username - 20/7/2011 23:07 - United States

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me by tossing the ring at me and saying "Here, wear this." FML

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2009 04:14 - United States

Today, I was walking out of a Starbucks and saw someone walking out behind me, thinking it would be the nice thing to do I held the door open. I was holding the door for about 30 seconds before realizing I was holding the door for my own shadow. FML

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By Username - 13/9/2010 01:38 - France

Today, I told my 3 year old daughter to behave or I'd spank her. She looked right at me and said "Bring it." FML

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By Prodigy - 11/2/2010 14:07 - United States

Today, I ran into a former college classmate at Subway. He gushed on and on about how I was the only one in our class with true potential. Then I asked him what kind of sandwich he wanted, because 3 years out of college, Subway is still the only place that will hire a music major. FML

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By FastFoodWaiter - 3/9/2012 23:43 - United States - Saukville

Today, a woman came up to me at work and screamed at me for "taking forever" to come and wait at her table. I work at Wendy's. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/12/2012 00:58 - United States

Today, I saw my crush at the grocery store. He saw me and started walking towards me. I got so excited that I farted when he came near. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2013 04:47 - United States - North Port

Today, I was at a Christmas party when I noticed someone had taken all of the cash I had from out of my wallet. It was a family gathering. I'm related to the culprit but have no idea who it is. FML

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By look at the fucking universe, lady - 18/5/2013 18:44 - United States - Montgomery

Today, I spent hours debating with a lady who claimed she'd spent years "studying the big bang theory". Not only did she not know the scientific meaning of the word "theory", her killer argument was "If the big bang happened, where are the fossils?" I'm not sure whether or not I just got trolled. FML

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By dumped and dusted - 13/7/2016 17:35 - United States

Today, 3 weeks after my girlfriend told me she was pregnant, she admitted it was a lie. Turned out it was just a test to see if I'd break up with her or not. I didn't, but I did just break the bank buying all the things we'd need for an actual kid. FML

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By stupidupid - 6/2/2010 12:35 - Philippines

Today, we had a NAT for our preparation for college. I did quite well and knew most of the answers. When I turned mine in, I realised I forgot to write my name. The proctor doesn't allow giving back test papers after it is turned in. And no, I can't retake it. FML

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By Adam - 29/7/2019 20:00

Today, I had a job interview at a Holiday Inn. I got there ten minutes early and sat until 1:00 p.m., then told the person at the front desk I was there for my interview. She called the manager, who said that no interviews were scheduled today. I'd gone to the wrong Holiday Inn. FML

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By FailedTraveller - 4/7/2018 15:00

Today, I took a long distance train across country. Early on I had an urgent need to use the bathroom. As I went to flush away the nasty, the preflush water violently projected my diarrhoea onto my pants before clearing the rest down the gurgler. I have 8 hours left on the train. FML

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Top comments

By Komatose | 0

#180390 - Friday 8 May 2009 23:28

Oh come on people.

Snails are sexy as HELL!

Especially since they're too slow to get away...

By ilikerainbows | 0

#180388 - Friday 8 May 2009 23:28

i think i've seen that movie. i gotta admit, it was some pretty hot snail sex.

COMMENTS

By iKaite | 0

#180357 - Friday 8 May 2009 23:23

There is nothing other to say then... ew.

shepaintsmusic | 6

#1053336 - Friday 2 July 2010 5:15

that's not gross what's gross about interspecies erotica?

yeah no that's narsty

shasui | 3

#1123967 - Thursday 22 July 2010 10:45

that's just nasty op

By the_boss_fml | 0

#180364 - Friday 8 May 2009 23:25

wow WTF is wrong with you...
fyl indeed

saa994 | 0

#439475 - Wednesday 29 July 2009 8:51

YDI for watching snail porn.

danyfuckinheatle | 0

#1006599 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 7:39

WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU????!????!?

MidniteRainbow | 0

#1026497 - Thursday 10 June 2010 21:40

what movie?

RunnerBack33 | 1

#1031867 - Wednesday 16 June 2010 5:07

in soviet china, snail goes at it with you.

Mouldy666 | 0

#1037592 - Sunday 20 June 2010 23:11

nasty...

WTFjizzinmypantz | 0

#1107793 - Monday 19 July 2010 3:02

SNAIL PORN

deepunder | 17

#5470178 - Monday 29 April 2013 5:29

Probably getting hard since they're going faster than u can dream of

By JustCallMeCloud | 0

#180366 - Friday 8 May 2009 23:25

You disgust me.

By 88bellydancer | 0

#180367 - Friday 8 May 2009 23:26

haha you need a girl mate!

By Nizzit | 1

#180371 - Friday 8 May 2009 23:26

wat

frikkinhannah | 0

#986430 - Thursday 29 April 2010 4:31

Snail porn is still porn I guess...
better than that guy who got hard eating a Big Mac. o_O

By fyourlife11 | 0

#180378 - Friday 8 May 2009 23:27

ahahahahahahahahahhahahaaha Its not your fault man I get hard watching snails get dirty all the time!

22cute | 17

#4589957 - Wednesday 20 June 2012 8:47

Actually I've seen a movie with slug sex & it is amazingly beautiful and erotic.
You should see octopus sex as well. Hot!
Lol

By CupidSparrow | 0

#180380 - Friday 8 May 2009 23:27

That is the dumbest FML I've ever seen. Why would you even want to share that?

windfuelsfire | 10

#4282228 - Monday 9 April 2012 22:26

That is the dumbest FML comment I've ever seen. Why would you even want to share that?

By WellThatSuckz | 14

#180384 - Friday 8 May 2009 23:28

You should keep some things to your self,Snail lover >>

By ilikerainbows | 0

#180388 - Friday 8 May 2009 23:28

i think i've seen that movie. i gotta admit, it was some pretty hot snail sex.

By Komatose | 0

#180390 - Friday 8 May 2009 23:28

Oh come on people.

Snails are sexy as HELL!

Especially since they're too slow to get away...

dakins | 0

#2456447 - Wednesday 4 May 2011 8:52

omg lol.... prob the funniest comment on here