Today, I walked in on my daughter hugging and sobbing into her... - FML

By So little trust. - Canada - Coaldale

Today, I walked in on my daughter hugging and sobbing into her Edward Cullen cut-out. She won't tell me what's wrong, yet she can confide in a creepy fictional stalker whose facial expression is locked to "chronically constipated". Where did I go wrong? FML

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Walk on the wild side

Season finale

Parental guilt

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my parents found my stash of alcohol. They drank it all within a single evening. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I have a busy week scheduled at work, so I took my file home to smash out some reports. Naturally I did not do any work at home and then I also forgot to take the file back to work the next day. Instead of saving time, I wasted an hour driving home to collect it. FML

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By Bleh - Canada - Brantford

Today, I found out that my new, expensive noise-canceling headphones trigger my motion sickness. FML

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By fuck you walmart - United States

Today, at work, I was screamed at and slapped by a woman for supposedly violating her 2nd Amendment rights. In reality, I'd simply turned her away from the 10 items or less line because she had well over the allowed number of items. I've no fucking idea what's wrong with some people. FML

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By creepyguy - Australia

Today, I noticed a girl looking at me on the train. Playing it cool, I decided to give her a smile and see what would happen. It came out as a creepy, seedy grin, prompting her to call security. FML

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By thatsucks4u - United States

Today, I went to a tanning salon. I guess nobody mentioned that you have to lift your fat rolls or you'll end up with weird stripes where the spray never reached. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was in agonizing pain and couldn't move. My parents said they couldn't take me to the ER until the football game on TV was over. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were play-wrestling on the couch. I got thirsty, so I got up and grabbed a metal water bottle and drank out of it. He tried to playfully touch it and spill water on me, but instead hit it hard enough to where it slammed my mouth, chipped my tooth, and cut open my lip. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bridgnorth

Today, I came home after working overtime to find my dog whining and giving me her "I need to take a shit" face. After changing my shoes, I came back ready to let her out, only to find her giving me the "I just took a shit on your rug" face. My husband has been home all day. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

Today, a man on the subway serenaded me. That's not the issue. He was cross-eyed, making it hard for me not to laugh in his face. FML

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By ugh thanks - United States - Dayton

Today, I asked my husband to tell me something nice about myself. He thought for a few moments, then said, "Uh, you shit quietly." FML

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By - France

Today, I crashed my car racing backwards and told my parents I was rear ended. They made me call the police and file a report. I hope there were no cameras. FML

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By Homeless - United States

Today, my fiancé and I toured our dream home. I was so excited about it that I posted all kinds of pictures of it on Facebook. My Boss' daughter just called and said she loved my pictures so much she made an offer on the house. We were 1 week away from making an offer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was headed on vacation with my family. On the way, our trailer tire blew out. Because the trailer was tilted from the flat tire, the door would not open to get the spare. After breaking the window to get the spare and putting it on, the spare blew out. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Picton

Today, my boyfriend and I were play-fighting. I managed to pin him down and win. He saw my grin, snorted, and bitterly said I'd only won because "let's face it, you're a bit of a porker, eh babe?" FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I took out my ear cartilage piercing. With my comb. FML

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By LaurenB - United States - Epping

Today, after a very painful mouth surgery, I went home to take a nap. Then my nose started bleeding, so I stuck a tissue in it and fell asleep. When I woke up, I was so high from painkillers that when I saw the tissue, I thought it was a ghost. I screamed so loud I burst a stitch. FML

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By Carnage23 - Germany - Essen

Today, my coworker and I announced that we are spending our holidays together, because we both have kids. My boss announced he is coming with us. FML

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By Anonymous - India

Today, while stuck in a traffic jam, my son silently changed my gear to reverse. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I was out on a date with a guy. His hot co-worker came to have a beer with us, and I knew my best friend would think he was gorgeous. I wanted to take a picture of him without knowing, so i tried to hold up my phone and pretend to be texting. The flash went off. FML

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By sick of this shit - United States - West Grove

Today, my dad opened my fridge, let rip a horrible fart into it, then closed it and said "There ya go, a little somethin' for supper." FML

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By EmmaleeSupertramp - United States

Today, it was the first dress rehearsal at a community theater. I'm playing a grandma to a bunch of little kids, and the guy who is playing the grandpa wears a fat suit. I put on my costume and one of the kids comes up to me and says, "Are you wearing a fat suit too?" and pokes my stomach. FML

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By SadExperiment - United States - Claremont

Today, I found out that my girlfriend has secretly been conditioning me to get turned on by the smell of bananas. Guess whose new co-worker peels a nice, fragrant banana five times a day. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Annapolis

Today, I pulled a piece of dental floss out of my ass. How it got there is one of life's great mysteries. FML

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By vikingunicorn - Canada

Today, I was feeling very ill after a severe anxiety attack. I asked my boyfriend to hold my hand until I fell asleep. He said he couldn't because he needed both hands to play on his gameboy. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Newtown Square

Today, I found out my pregnant sister has been watching Teen Mom 2 to find out how to be a good parent. FML

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By AE86Turbo - United States

Today, I saw a car swerving in front of me on the freeway, so I whipped out my cell to report the DUI. As soon as it started ringing, I see police lights in my rear view and got slapped with a ticket for using a cell phone while driving. After explaining why, the officer said, "Nice try." FML

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By - 19/2/2020 01:00

Don't care

Today, I realized that I'm a horrible uncle, I have two nephews and I don't know their age nor birthday. They are twins. FML

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By OhDamn - United Kingdom

Today, there was a knock at my door, and I was greeted by a punch to the face. The man was the extremely angry "fiancé" of the girl I've been married to for just over a year. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my son got really high and shaved the dog with my electric shaver. Not only does the dog look really bad, I didn't know my son used drugs. I now have to buy the dog a sweater and get my son some help. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my daughter came home in tears, completely distraught. It took half an hour to convince her to tell me what was wrong. What horrific thing happened to her? One of her friends wore the same outfit as her to the movies, and apparently that's a betrayal of their friendship. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Mississauga

Today, I realized that it's become a regular occurrence for my mother and me to talk about our pubic hair. I don't know which is worse: the fact that I know she shaves it, or the fact that we even talk about this stuff. FML

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By liberatedwoman - Oman

Today, my mother sat me down to tell me that since coming home from college, I sounded like "a liberated woman". She was disappointed and disturbed by this and said that I should stop having strong opinions and ideals because it would make finding a husband for me difficult. FML

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By You Wish - United States

Today, I was sitting on my 70 year old grandmothers bed with my older brother. I decided to snoop through the cabinet at the back of her bed, and I pulled out what I naively thought was a strange looking flashlight. When I twisted the bottom of it to see what would happen it started vibrating. FML

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By norpedo - United States - Cleveland

Today, in bare consciousness, I found out what it feels like to be stabbed in the hand with an earring. How? By slamming my hand on the snooze button of my alarm and missing horribly. FML

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By HM - Germany

Today, I found out that my entire class, me included, has to rewrite the painfully difficult midterm we wrote last week. All this because the Professor left the exams strewn across her desk. The cleaners thought it was trash and disposed of them. FML

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By fucking SUCKS let's do it LIIIIIIIVEEEEEEEEE! - United States

Today, my girlfriend jumped into my arms for a kiss. She's done it before, but this time I wasn't expecting it. I fell backwards, straight through my glass coffee table. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to my parents' for the first time in months. Upon my arrival, I found out that I won't be spending the day with them because they've taken a car trip to attend a Sarah Palin book signing. FML

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By "AR Good" - United States - Hawthorne

Today, my husband is pissed off, withholding affection, and not speaking to me. Why? I don't want to have sex with random men while he watches. FML

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By hadakanbo - 17/4/2020 05:00

They targeted gamers. GAMERS.

Today, after spending weeks collecting almost every star, flag, and stamp of Super Mario 3D World on the Wii U, I was working on the very last of the super bonus levels to get the final 12 of 380 available stars when my five-year-old decided to help. By accidentally deleting the file. FML

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Top comments

By Eliseopwns | 22

#5577798 - Saturday 13 July 2013 4:59

Teenage fads... Not your fault. A good laugh for her future self, you know?

By slkester | 12

#5577799 - Saturday 13 July 2013 4:59

You didn't. It's all age lol

COMMENTS

By Eliseopwns | 22

#5577798 - Saturday 13 July 2013 4:59

Teenage fads... Not your fault. A good laugh for her future self, you know?

Reply

tjv3 | 10

#5578014 - Saturday 13 July 2013 6:30

Well you started going wrong when you allowed a cardboard cut out of Edward Cullen into your house

Reply

AshleyScruggs | 14

#5578077 - Saturday 13 July 2013 7:20

I struggle to see what girls find attractive about Rob Pattinson as Edward Cullen.

Reply

helen_ellexo | 22

#5578098 - Saturday 13 July 2013 7:32

"Chronically constipated" has got to be the most accurate description of his expression yet

Reply

Virtual_BS | 13

#5578579 - Saturday 13 July 2013 18:12

OP should record it through the crack in the door and post it on Facebook.

Reply

rosenkrieger223 | 21

#5578831 - Saturday 13 July 2013 21:42

42, I completely agree and I couldn't have put it any better, myself.

Reply

IStoleTheCookies | 16

#5578924 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:18

Still a better love story than Twilight xD

Reply

Eliseopwns | 22

#5580332 - Sunday 14 July 2013 23:22

Isn't it his "mysteriousness" or whatever?

By slkester | 12

#5577799 - Saturday 13 July 2013 4:59

You didn't. It's all age lol

Reply

CallMeWindSock | 24

#5577844 - Saturday 13 July 2013 5:07

Just hope her dad isn't on team Jacob.

Reply

ZeroPath5 | 16

#5577945 - Saturday 13 July 2013 5:52

Yeesh, hope she grows up soon then...

Reply

coversquirrel | 8

#5578052 - Saturday 13 July 2013 6:57

You went wrong as soon as you bought that cut out.

Reply

fymother | 13

#5582542 - Tuesday 16 July 2013 5:32

How did she buy a cardboard cutout of him? You at least allowed it in the house...

By olpally | 32

#5577800 - Saturday 13 July 2013 4:59

I have no idea where you went wrong. But I know she went right into Edward Cullen's arms for comfort... :/

Reply

LappDance | 16

#5577907 - Saturday 13 July 2013 5:32

Obviously

Reply

olpally | 32

#5577921 - Saturday 13 July 2013 5:41

Well, I lost this comment. *walks out with what dignity I have left*

Reply

ZeroPath5 | 16

#5577949 - Saturday 13 July 2013 5:54

Keep practicing and eventually you'll come up with a few winners olpally, lol

Reply

olpally | 32

#5577960 - Saturday 13 July 2013 5:58

haha. It's alright. I'll be fine :D on to the next one. Oh well.

Reply

PrimeEvilTahir | 23

#5578079 - Saturday 13 July 2013 7:21

Maybe an Edward Cullen cut out might help you get over this ;-)

Reply

olpally | 32

#5578085 - Saturday 13 July 2013 7:26

FUCK NO 49!!! Lmao. Drinking would help me now! Haha.

Reply

SlapAndTickle | 20

#5578319 - Saturday 13 July 2013 13:00

*Watches in horror as Pally runs to his Jacob cut-out. *

Reply

olpally | 32

#5578569 - Saturday 13 July 2013 18:03

Slapandtickle^^^ NO!! Lol. Good grief!

Reply

rosenkrieger223 | 21

#5578846 - Saturday 13 July 2013 21:51

It took him 4 tries, but olpally finally got a comment with some thumbs up! lmao

Reply

SlapAndTickle | 20

#5579156 - Sunday 14 July 2013 2:32

Ok ok I believe you... Not. ;)

By Nolimit2217 | 32

#5577801 - Saturday 13 July 2013 5:00

She will grow up eventually.. I hope!

Reply

Queensland | 27

#5578246 - Saturday 13 July 2013 11:53

When she does she might cry ... 'But Edward Cullen is immortal' THAT'S when you should worry OP.

By luhar | 7

#5577805 - Saturday 13 July 2013 5:00

I'm telling you, twilight is next to Justin beiber on the immense fail list. I feel for you op hopefully this is just a phase?

Reply

Miss_Attitude96 | 24

#5577976 - Saturday 13 July 2013 6:07

Is One Direction on this list too? I sure hope so

Reply

luhar | 7

#5578094 - Saturday 13 July 2013 7:29

Of course... If anything it's higher up. One direction os just bieber x5

Reply

Link5794 | 16

#5579311 - Sunday 14 July 2013 5:16

You know what's worse than any of those things? Their fans.

By Wizardo | 33

#5577810 - Saturday 13 July 2013 5:01

You went wrong by letting her watch Twilight in the first place...

Reply

highclasssnegro | 9

#5577920 - Saturday 13 July 2013 5:40

Your profile pic is gold.

Reply

timelessone | 16

#5578289 - Saturday 13 July 2013 12:26

I thought it was when he let that cut out make it through the front door.

Reply

rosenkrieger223 | 21

#5578854 - Saturday 13 July 2013 22:05

The hatred of twilight in my house is so intense, things like that (especially flammable cardboard) would spontaneously combust if it got anywhere near my doorway. haha

By luckytaim | 15

#5577817 - Saturday 13 July 2013 5:01

You should have recorded it so you can show it to her when she is older to embarrass her.

Reply

AshleyScruggs | 14

#5578192 - Saturday 13 July 2013 9:42

Or put it on Facebook. Maybe that would embarrass her enough to get rid of the cardboard cutout. :)

By angelitared | 27

#5577826 - Saturday 13 July 2013 5:02

Parents aren't cool to talk too!! Duh.

Reply

MzZombicidal | 36

#5577995 - Saturday 13 July 2013 6:20

It's also not very cool to cry into a cardboard cut-out...

Reply

SlapAndTickle | 20

#5578321 - Saturday 13 July 2013 13:02

Fairly certain she was being sarcastic.

By euphoricness | 28

#5577831 - Saturday 13 July 2013 5:03

You didn't happen to tell her you're on team Jacob, did you?

By Likian5 | 26

#5577833 - Saturday 13 July 2013 5:03

Teenagers...nothing you can do about it.

Reply

Queensland | 27

#5578269 - Saturday 13 July 2013 12:08

Burning the cut out is something she can do about it