Kids: Today, I walked in on my daughter hugging and sobbing into her... - FML

12/07/2013 23:18 - Canada - Coaldale

Today, I walked in on my daughter hugging and sobbing into her Edward Cullen cut-out. She won't tell me what's wrong, yet she can confide in a creepy fictional stalker whose facial expression is locked to "chronically constipated". Where did I go wrong? FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 376

You deserved it 7 624

Own it

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Family values

11/07/2015 02:20 - United States - Youngstown

Today, while at my shitty, minimum wage job at McDonalds, a guy walked out of the bathroom. He said "Good luck in there." worriedly, then left. I don't know if it was his handiwork, but it looked like a shit grenade had detonated. It was even on the walls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 321

You deserved it 2 170

28/07/2014 02:48 - United States - Fresno

Today, I watched a manager and a co-worker sit underneath a table in our store all day as I got yelled at for not working hard enough. I was the only one actually working. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 432

You deserved it 2 783

14/03/2013 18:41 - United States - Portland

Today, my pregnancy test came back positive. My boyfriend is no fan of fatherhood, so it was with some hesitation that I called him and let him know I'm pregnant. He replied, "Like hell you are!" and hung up. He now refuses to answer any of my calls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 746

You deserved it 10 800

21/05/2010 10:11 - Australia

Today, I hadn't been out in two weeks, and I was looking forward to going to the beach with my friends. Instead, I rear-ended someone at a roundabout and had to go home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 348

You deserved it 23 614

20/01/2015 06:14 - United States - Hemet

Today, I decided to use an at-home waxing kit for the first time to get rid of the hair on my upper lip. After experiencing the trauma of waxing, I fell asleep. A few hours later, I woke up to see that I now have acne everywhere I had waxed. I have an acne mustache. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 966

You deserved it 4 766

10/02/2012 00:09 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend of three months told me he's going to get tested for STDs, because he's worried about a previous partner. I'm grateful for his thoughtfulness, but I'd be even more grateful if we hadn't already slept together several times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 609

You deserved it 7 241

26/06/2012 02:59 - Australia - Perth

Today, in a drunken, depressed state I thought I heard my deceased mother trying to make contact with me from beyond the grave. It took me a moment to realise that the soft voice was from the music my neighbours were playing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 160

You deserved it 6 492

27/08/2012 22:16 - United States - Dover

Today, I went to see my orthodontist. He informed me that I have an underbite and I will probably need braces again. I just had them taken off last year, after five and a half years of oral hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 433

You deserved it 2 060

24/02/2014 07:20 - United States - Bloomington

Today, my cat decided that instead of using the brand-new scratching post I bought him, he was going to use my pant leg while I was asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 127

You deserved it 4 153

Not a girl, not yet a woman

By Anonymous - 28/02/2020 01:00

Today, I got a very accusatory phone call from my daughter's teacher. According to my daughter, I absolutely refuse to let her eat in the morning. In reality, I told her it’s her responsibility to get herself up and get breakfast on her own before we leave. My daughter is 17 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 252

You deserved it 202

Jealousy

By Anonymous - 20/05/2020 08:00

Today, my girlfriend broke my Xbox while I was playing Warzone. She said she heard me playing with another girl, and accused me of cheating. It was just the A.I. saying, "Copy, I’m on it." Anyone selling an Xbox One? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 870

You deserved it 208

25/07/2019 00:01

Today, I finally got to see the results of the new timesheet I made to make things simpler for both the employees and the managers. Apparently, 75% of them don't know how to read. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 397

You deserved it 171

02/07/2012 12:36 - United States - Mount Vernon

Today, I woke up at 5 am to the voices of my husband, who I gave my blessing to go out last night, and his buddies entering our apartment. They came here because the buddy who had planned to house them had no beer. They are drunk, drinking on our porch, shaving my husband's head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 299

You deserved it 4 086

Bye bye Tiddles

By Anonymous - 05/07/2020 05:02

Today, while I was driving around the neighborhood, I passed my neighbors' house only to see their dog with a full-grown dead cat in its mouth. Only one family owns a cat in our neighborhood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 302

You deserved it 98

12/01/2010 03:40 - United States

Today, I was sent to the hospital for being knocked out with a potato. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 677

You deserved it 4 245

Denial

By TedX - 19/08/2020 20:07

Today, at 18, I finally told my mom I was gay. She spent the rest of the day bringing up my "future wife" at every possible chance she had. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 532

You deserved it 206

08/09/2009 22:10 - United States

Today, in Chem, I was chosen to hold the fire extinguisher just in case something happened while showing how to blow up a dangerous chemical. My teacher told me to spray if anything got out of control. He lit the fire and I freaked out and sprayed it. The entire wing of my school was evacuted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 111

You deserved it 45 250

25/07/2009 16:39 - Korea Republic of

Today, I passed a homeless person asking for change. When I politely apologized and told him I had none, he yelled angrily "who comes to this city without money?" I replied "apparently, you do." Wrong answer. He followed me, now screaming. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 114

You deserved it 28 605

24/11/2010 17:55 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend when he started shaking really hard. When I asked him what he was doing, he simply said "I want to be better than your vibrator!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 980

You deserved it 12 008

07/10/2010 04:21 - United States

Today, I was sitting in my room watching TV when I heard my mother obnoxiously yelling for the dog. Minutes later she stomped into my room, swatted me over the head, and yelled at me for not answering when she called. She actually got my name mixed up with the dog's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 695

You deserved it 3 021

13/09/2010 16:03 - United States

Today, I woke up to my husband slowly pulling my blanket off me. I thought he was being romantic until I realized it was because the cat had puked all over me while I was sleeping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 180

You deserved it 2 917

27/08/2011 22:59 - United States

Today, I excitedly showed my new roommate my pet fish. She then told me about how she purposely starved her last fish to see how long it would take before they started eating each other before starving to death. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 367

You deserved it 2 993

06/11/2014 12:15 - United States - Gainesville

Today, my eight-year-old microwaved our thermometer to see if the temperature would change. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 659

You deserved it 4 223

22/07/2015 16:21 - Canada - Pembroke

Today, I was taking a piss at a urinal when a fly started harassing me. I got so annoyed, I tried to swat it. Didn't go too well. I ended up losing control of my stream, soaking the guy beside me. He busted my face in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 615

You deserved it 26 516

09/07/2014 21:37 - United States - Honolulu

Today, my boss delivered some flowers and a sympathy card signed by everyone in the office to my cubicle. The card said, "Sorry your mom died". My mom isn't dead. I don't know where they got the idea from and no one believes me. They said that denial is part of grieving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 976

You deserved it 3 494

04/02/2009 17:04 - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend to ravish me. He told me he would rather play PS3. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 190

You deserved it 6 887

17/01/2014 03:42 - United States

Today, there was a forest fire in my town. I was still forced to go to school, as it was safer. A lot of people decided not to go, and we ended up doing nothing but watching the news reports. There, I got to see my house burning on live TV. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 450

You deserved it 4 635

03/11/2009 07:26 - United States

Today, I was driving past men working on the side of the road. There was a lot of water pouring down the road and as I slowed down to drive through it, a car sped past me, splashing my entire car. It was only then I realized it was a septic tank leak. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 590

You deserved it 2 583

18/03/2019 02:00

Today, I was taking the bus home from work. I went to pull the cord to request a stop when the driver slammed on the breaks to avoid running a red light, causing me to get thrown out of my seat and slide down the aisle and hit my head on a pole by the front of the bus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 337

You deserved it 194

26/08/2011 18:26 - United States

Today, I finally landed a new job, and thinking he would be proud, I told my boyfriend. Instead of congratulating me, he got mad that my work hours include Saturday, his laundry day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 018

You deserved it 4 227

03/11/2009 02:17 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend of 3 months and I finally had it off. He sounds like Chewbacca when he comes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 801

You deserved it 4 230

Besties

By Anonymous - 21/07/2021 08:01 - South Africa - Nottingham Road

Today, my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend just moved in with his mom. They've been in my face knitting and baking bread together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 896

You deserved it 77

18/03/2010 10:24 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, the love of my life sent me a text saying "touch my pork". Somehow I don't think my feelings are mutual. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 407

You deserved it 4 247

06/10/2014 23:47 - United Kingdom - Bridgnorth

Today, I told my boyfriend about how I was a test tube baby. He looked at me with confusion before asking, "But if scientists made you, surely you'd be really attractive and talented and stuff?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 969

You deserved it 4 586

27/03/2010 08:26 - United States

Spicy

Today, I waked in on my boyfriend and his best friend playing "Dick Wars" while wearing glow in the dark condoms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 206

You deserved it 10 421

20/06/2014 23:03 - United States - Placerville

Today, my doctor got my blood test results from the lab. He looked at me gravely and told me I had just weeks left to live. After I started hyperventilating and crying, he burst out laughing and said he was kidding. He then prescribed me some iron tablets and sent me on my way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 927

You deserved it 6 522

Walk on the wild side

By Anonymous - 11/11/2020 07:01 - United States - Tyler

Today, I had to go get my fiancé's car so it wouldn't get impounded after he was arrested at 12 a.m. and charged with a felony. I just got out of prison in March, and we get married next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 612

You deserved it 3 104

Ed Gein vibes

By emeraldapostle - 17/05/2019 01:59

Today, both a coworker of mine and my boss agreed that I fit the profile of a serial killer. I don't know what's worse, the fact that they think that low of me, or the fact that this isn't the first time someone's said I remind them of a serial killer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 703

You deserved it 247

05/11/2013 15:26 - United States - Bronx

Spicy

Today, as my wife and I were getting intimate, I thought I would try a little "dirty talk". I whispered in her ear that I would "dick her down good". She couldn't stop laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 980

You deserved it 58 871

26/02/2014 21:44 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I had to give a sexual harassment seminar to my department. Someone put in a complaint that my example made them feel uncomfortable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 720

You deserved it 4 210

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

Eliseopwns 22

Saturday 13 July 2013 4:59

Teenage fads... Not your fault. A good laugh for her future self, you know?

Send a private message

Saturday 13 July 2013 4:59

You didn't. It's all age lol

Comments

Eliseopwns 22

Saturday 13 July 2013 4:59

Teenage fads... Not your fault. A good laugh for her future self, you know?

tjv3 10

Send a private message

Saturday 13 July 2013 6:30

Well you started going wrong when you allowed a cardboard cut out of Edward Cullen into your house

AshleyScruggs 14

Send a private message

Saturday 13 July 2013 7:20

I struggle to see what girls find attractive about Rob Pattinson as Edward Cullen.

helen_ellexo 22

Send a private message

Saturday 13 July 2013 7:32

"Chronically constipated" has got to be the most accurate description of his expression yet

Send a private message

Saturday 13 July 2013 18:12

OP should record it through the crack in the door and post it on Facebook.

rosenkrieger223 21

Send a private message

Saturday 13 July 2013 21:42

42, I completely agree and I couldn't have put it any better, myself.

IStoleTheCookies 16

Send a private message

Saturday 13 July 2013 23:18

Still a better love story than Twilight xD

Eliseopwns 22

Sunday 14 July 2013 23:22

Isn't it his "mysteriousness" or whatever?

Send a private message

Saturday 13 July 2013 4:59

You didn't. It's all age lol

CallMeWindSock 24

Send a private message

Saturday 13 July 2013 5:07

Just hope her dad isn't on team Jacob.

Send a private message

Saturday 13 July 2013 5:52

Yeesh, hope she grows up soon then...

coversquirrel 8

Send a private message

Saturday 13 July 2013 6:57

You went wrong as soon as you bought that cut out.

Send a private message

Tuesday 16 July 2013 5:32

How did she buy a cardboard cutout of him? You at least allowed it in the house...

Send a private message

Saturday 13 July 2013 4:59

I have no idea where you went wrong. But I know she went right into Edward Cullen's arms for comfort... :/

Send a private message

Saturday 13 July 2013 5:32

Obviously

Send a private message

Saturday 13 July 2013 5:41

Well, I lost this comment. *walks out with what dignity I have left*

Send a private message

Saturday 13 July 2013 5:54

Keep practicing and eventually you'll come up with a few winners olpally, lol

Send a private message

Saturday 13 July 2013 5:58

haha. It's alright. I'll be fine :D on to the next one. Oh well.

PrimeEvilTahir 23

Send a private message

Saturday 13 July 2013 7:21

Maybe an Edward Cullen cut out might help you get over this ;-)

Send a private message

Saturday 13 July 2013 7:26

FUCK NO 49!!! Lmao. Drinking would help me now! Haha.

SlapAndTickle 20

Send a private message

Saturday 13 July 2013 13:00

*Watches in horror as Pally runs to his Jacob cut-out. *

Send a private message

Saturday 13 July 2013 18:03

Slapandtickle^^^ NO!! Lol. Good grief!

rosenkrieger223 21

Send a private message

Saturday 13 July 2013 21:51

It took him 4 tries, but olpally finally got a comment with some thumbs up! lmao

SlapAndTickle 20

Send a private message

Sunday 14 July 2013 2:32

Ok ok I believe you... Not. ;)

Send a private message

Saturday 13 July 2013 5:00

She will grow up eventually.. I hope!

Send a private message

Saturday 13 July 2013 11:53

When she does she might cry ... 'But Edward Cullen is immortal' THAT'S when you should worry OP.

luhar 7

Send a private message

Saturday 13 July 2013 5:00

I'm telling you, twilight is next to Justin beiber on the immense fail list. I feel for you op hopefully this is just a phase?

Miss_Attitude96 24

Send a private message

Saturday 13 July 2013 6:07

Is One Direction on this list too? I sure hope so

luhar 7

Send a private message

Saturday 13 July 2013 7:29

Of course... If anything it's higher up. One direction os just bieber x5

Link5794 18

Sunday 14 July 2013 5:16

You know what's worse than any of those things? Their fans.

Send a private message

Saturday 13 July 2013 5:01

You went wrong by letting her watch Twilight in the first place...

highclasssnegro 9

Send a private message

Saturday 13 July 2013 5:40

Your profile pic is gold.

Send a private message

Saturday 13 July 2013 12:26

I thought it was when he let that cut out make it through the front door.

rosenkrieger223 21

Send a private message

Saturday 13 July 2013 22:05

The hatred of twilight in my house is so intense, things like that (especially flammable cardboard) would spontaneously combust if it got anywhere near my doorway. haha

Send a private message

Saturday 13 July 2013 5:01

You should have recorded it so you can show it to her when she is older to embarrass her.

AshleyScruggs 14

Send a private message

Saturday 13 July 2013 9:42

Or put it on Facebook. Maybe that would embarrass her enough to get rid of the cardboard cutout. :)

Send a private message

Saturday 13 July 2013 5:02

Parents aren't cool to talk too!! Duh.

MzZombicidal 36

Send a private message

Saturday 13 July 2013 6:20

It's also not very cool to cry into a cardboard cut-out...

SlapAndTickle 20

Send a private message

Saturday 13 July 2013 13:02

Fairly certain she was being sarcastic.

euphoricness 28

Send a private message

Saturday 13 July 2013 5:03

You didn't happen to tell her you're on team Jacob, did you?

Send a private message

Saturday 13 July 2013 5:03

Teenagers...nothing you can do about it.

Send a private message

Saturday 13 July 2013 12:08

Burning the cut out is something she can do about it

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53

You deserved it 6

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 115

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend came out as a polyamorous, and then immediately asked me if he could date another guy I thought was my friend. I’m such a pushover, I said yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 109

You deserved it 357

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 608

You deserved it 69