Kids: Today, I walked in on my daughter hugging and sobbing into her... - FML

By So little trust. - Canada - Coaldale

Today, I walked in on my daughter hugging and sobbing into her Edward Cullen cut-out. She won't tell me what's wrong, yet she can confide in a creepy fictional stalker whose facial expression is locked to "chronically constipated". Where did I go wrong? FML

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Walk on the wild side

Season finale

Sick burn

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was brutally run over by a man in a wheelchair. FML

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By hero to zero - United States

Today, my girlfriend's ex punched me so hard in the face, I couldn't see straight. But I got up anyway. I lunged at him, and nailed him in the jaw. Turns out I'd in fact just knocked out my girlfriend the on-looker. FML

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By Z - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, at work, I had to explain to a customer that she can't connect her tablet to her home WiFi while she's at work. I went to MIT for this. FML

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By helpme - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, I wrote my boyfriend a love letter during class and told him to read it when he got home. He texted me later asking me why I gave him my school assignment. I must have handed the love letter in to my teacher. FML

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By bummed - United States

Today, I found out a 6-month pregnant woman is claiming my boyfriend to be the father. Even though this would have been previous to our relationship, he already has two kids from getting girls pregnant in high school. I guess he didn't learn his lesson the first two times. FML

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By banana - United States

Today, I decided to practice putting a condom on with my mouth. Then my roommate walked in on me using my mouth to roll a condom onto a banana. FML

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By elijah - United States

Today, my mom bitched me out, calling me a selfish pig and saying that the reason I don't have a girlfriend is because I'm so conceited. All of this because I started watching the latest episodes of Breaking Bad without her. FML

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By crazy cat lady - Canada - Fredericton

Today, I got a cat so I'd have some company, since my roommate is always with her boyfriend. Too bad the cat likes her more. So now I get to sit and listen to her talk to her boyfriend to get to cuddle with my kitty. FML

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By Shianna - United States - Holden

Today, my son was fired from his new job, which was going to support us since I recently lost mine. His excuse was, "Conflict of interest." He was a mascot for a fast-food restaurant and refused to dance around. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Evesham

Today, my girlfriend decided that having OCD will help her lose weight. She is now convinced that walking in and out of doorways multiple times will burn fat. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I spotted my neighbour's cat sitting on their front garden. I bent over and began walking towards it with my hand out saying, "Hello pussycat". I was only a few feet away when I realised I was talking to a white bag of sand. I turned to see my family in hysterics. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was given a bottle of vitamins that are supposed to help your memory. I forgot them at home. FML

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By stubby

Today, my girlfriend asked if I could somehow get uncircumcised so I could add an inch to my length. FML

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By Alyxandrea Loffer - 25/5/2020 23:00

Small town blues

Today, our town is so bored that the most entertainment we got was on the local buy and sell trade page, where someone posted that they got someone else's package in the mail, and everyone in town spent 6 hours trying to guess what was in the box. It was actually the highlight of most of our day. FML

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By legotron - United States

Today, I was hit by a car speeding through an intersection after the light had already turned red. Still partly blacked out, I crawled onto the sidewalk and I sat down. The woman rolled down her car window and yelled, "Watch where you're going!" as she drove by. FML

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By Bilirubin - United States

Today, at 1am, the girl of my dreams that I've been trying for over three years to date, finally asked me out via SMS. Too bad I was asleep at the time. She now thinks I've rejected her, and will no longer speak to me. FML

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By Fred - Japan

Today, I went into a crowded store and tried out a blazer. I was thinking to myself how hot I looked in it when the manager tapped me on the shoulder and politely said, "Excuse me sir, that's a ladies' blazer." FML

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By Anonymous

Are you taking the piss?

Today, I was being drug tested as part of a pre-employment policy for substitute teaching. Once I had peed in the cup enough to pass the line, I put it on the only available space: the toilet paper holder. Trying to get toilet paper, I knocked the cup over, spilling pee all over myself. FML

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By Anonymous

Body Positivity

Today, after going through a major weight loss and change of lifestyle to better my confidence and health, I now have saggy thighs, arms and boobs, a deflated ass, two inches of hanging stomach, and have realized just how unsymmetrical my face is. Oh, and my physical health has never been worse. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at the doctors getting a pap smear and she asked if it was alright if a doctor in training could come in to observe. I was already laying on the table with my feet in the stirups so everything was in plain sight. When the man came in to observe I looked up to see my brother in law. FML

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By TiredParent

Today, I had to take my eyes off my kid for a minute to respond to an important work email. I was about to click send when I heard a flushing sound and mad giggling. It was the TV remote. FML

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By horribleawfulnogoodverybadweek

Artificial teeth

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me over text because she discovered from my mum that my teeth aren't my natural teeth, and she feels disgusted kissing me. FML

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By DoggyBlues - United States

Today, my fiancé told me he wants a security guard to come with us on our honeymoon to Hawaii. Apparently, watching Dog the Bounty Hunter has made him feel unsafe. FML

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By badluck_jean - France

Today, at a ski resort, I tried to impress an attractive girl on the slopes and failed, horribly. I ended up with a mild concussion and some serious cuts after tripping, tumbling and hitting my head against the ground. I don't think she was impressed. FML

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By Anonymous - Japan - Yokohama

Today, I went to the hospital due to vomiting and abdominal pain, and they decided to fit me with an IV drip. It took several tries by two different people to get the cannula in. I feel like a human pin-cushion. FML

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By notalcoholic - Philippines

Today, my roommate gave me a self-help book on alcoholism for my birthday. He's an alcoholic. I gave him that book around 8 months ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Huntsville

Today, after a week of my new neighbor constantly yelling in his native language, I finally complained about the noise. Turns out that's just his normal talking voice. Goodbye sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I met my boyfriends mother for the first time and hoped to make a good first impression. When I tried to say 'Hello', a loud rippling burp comes up from my throat. And not only that. A small chunk of mucus flies out and lands on the floor between us. So much for a good first impression. FML

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By sad trick Or treat - Denmark

Today, I went to the ER to get my eye checked. Turns out I had a scratch in it. So, after sedation, I now need to wear an eyepatch. Too bad Halloween was yesterday. FML

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By climbing the walls - 30/9/2020 17:02 - United States

Alexa, play "Boredom" by Buzzcocks

Today, it’s been nearly six months since our state has been on lockdown. My boyfriend the introvert has never been happier. Meanwhile, I, the extrovert, have been bored to literal tears from the lack of human interactions and travel. There’s only so much Netflix and reading I can do. FML

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By goshoveafuckingfrappuccinoupyourvagyoupsychocunt - United States - Midlothian

Today, a customer kept harassing me and threatening to sue me for all I'm worth because I wouldn't give her a free refill. Her reasoning was that it's "illegal" to deny people a free refill if there's still a little drink left in the cup. FML

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By EdibleCape - 28/5/2020 23:00

Nerves of steel

Today, I went out with my best girl friend to spice up my wardrobe. I recently broken up with my girlfriend, who was constantly flip-flopping from being in love with me to being apathetic towards me. After having a great day, on the way home my ex pulled up next to our car and I had a panic attack. FML

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By psychobunnycutie - 29/1/2021 14:02

Cut her off

Today, my mom messaged me and was acting weird, we don't have a real relationship. Turns out, she wanted to tell me to stop posting selfies because "it's making her feel bad about her appearance." The worst part? She said, "My husband likes you more than me sexually." That's your big concern? FML

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By nowsingle - Canada

Today, while making out with my boyfriend of a month, he started rubbing my boobs. He told me that he wanted to get some action before he broke up with me. FML

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By oGxFoopFoop - 28/5/2020 20:00

Shit's going down

Today, I was taking a shit in my friend's bathroom when his brother's girlfriend walked in. Nobody decided to tell me that the lock didn’t work. FML

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By Hide -n- Seek - United States - Grand Prairie

Hide and Seek

Today, someone left a note on the front door saying "Let's play Hide and Seek". Who ever left the note apparently took my tires off my truck and scattered them. So far, I found one in my pool, and 2 outside my neighborhood. I still can't find the last one. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2020 05:02 - United Kingdom - Swindon

Can you hear me, Dave?

Today, my dad started Skype-ing with his long-distance friend. They’re both almost 90, barely have their hearing, and can't stop shouting. FML

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By markzar - United States - Amherst

Today, I had food poisoning. When I was finally able to drag myself to the kitchen for some Gatorade, I got stung by a wasp. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden

Today, I sneezed so hard that I hit my head against the wall. FML

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By andjusticeforall - United States

Today, I ran over a beer bottle which popped my car tire, which then caused me to swerve into a police cruiser. FML

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Top comments

By Eliseopwns | 22

#5577798 - Saturday 13 July 2013 4:59

Teenage fads... Not your fault. A good laugh for her future self, you know?

By slkester | 12

#5577799 - Saturday 13 July 2013 4:59

You didn't. It's all age lol

COMMENTS

By Eliseopwns | 22

#5577798 - Saturday 13 July 2013 4:59

Teenage fads... Not your fault. A good laugh for her future self, you know?

Reply

tjv3 | 10

#5578014 - Saturday 13 July 2013 6:30

Well you started going wrong when you allowed a cardboard cut out of Edward Cullen into your house

Reply

AshleyScruggs | 14

#5578077 - Saturday 13 July 2013 7:20

I struggle to see what girls find attractive about Rob Pattinson as Edward Cullen.

Reply

helen_ellexo | 22

#5578098 - Saturday 13 July 2013 7:32

"Chronically constipated" has got to be the most accurate description of his expression yet

Reply

Virtual_BS | 13

#5578579 - Saturday 13 July 2013 18:12

OP should record it through the crack in the door and post it on Facebook.

Reply

rosenkrieger223 | 21

#5578831 - Saturday 13 July 2013 21:42

42, I completely agree and I couldn't have put it any better, myself.

Reply

IStoleTheCookies | 16

#5578924 - Saturday 13 July 2013 23:18

Still a better love story than Twilight xD

Reply

Eliseopwns | 22

#5580332 - Sunday 14 July 2013 23:22

Isn't it his "mysteriousness" or whatever?

By slkester | 12

#5577799 - Saturday 13 July 2013 4:59

You didn't. It's all age lol

Reply

CallMeWindSock | 24

#5577844 - Saturday 13 July 2013 5:07

Just hope her dad isn't on team Jacob.

Reply

ZeroPath5 | 16

#5577945 - Saturday 13 July 2013 5:52

Yeesh, hope she grows up soon then...

Reply

coversquirrel | 8

#5578052 - Saturday 13 July 2013 6:57

You went wrong as soon as you bought that cut out.

Reply

fymother | 13

#5582542 - Tuesday 16 July 2013 5:32

How did she buy a cardboard cutout of him? You at least allowed it in the house...

By olpally | 32

#5577800 - Saturday 13 July 2013 4:59

I have no idea where you went wrong. But I know she went right into Edward Cullen's arms for comfort... :/

Reply

LappDance | 16

#5577907 - Saturday 13 July 2013 5:32

Obviously

Reply

olpally | 32

#5577921 - Saturday 13 July 2013 5:41

Well, I lost this comment. *walks out with what dignity I have left*

Reply

ZeroPath5 | 16

#5577949 - Saturday 13 July 2013 5:54

Keep practicing and eventually you'll come up with a few winners olpally, lol

Reply

olpally | 32

#5577960 - Saturday 13 July 2013 5:58

haha. It's alright. I'll be fine :D on to the next one. Oh well.

Reply

PrimeEvilTahir | 23

#5578079 - Saturday 13 July 2013 7:21

Maybe an Edward Cullen cut out might help you get over this ;-)

Reply

olpally | 32

#5578085 - Saturday 13 July 2013 7:26

FUCK NO 49!!! Lmao. Drinking would help me now! Haha.

Reply

SlapAndTickle | 20

#5578319 - Saturday 13 July 2013 13:00

*Watches in horror as Pally runs to his Jacob cut-out. *

Reply

olpally | 32

#5578569 - Saturday 13 July 2013 18:03

Slapandtickle^^^ NO!! Lol. Good grief!

Reply

rosenkrieger223 | 21

#5578846 - Saturday 13 July 2013 21:51

It took him 4 tries, but olpally finally got a comment with some thumbs up! lmao

Reply

SlapAndTickle | 20

#5579156 - Sunday 14 July 2013 2:32

Ok ok I believe you... Not. ;)

By Nolimit2217 | 32

#5577801 - Saturday 13 July 2013 5:00

She will grow up eventually.. I hope!

Reply

Queensland | 27

#5578246 - Saturday 13 July 2013 11:53

When she does she might cry ... 'But Edward Cullen is immortal' THAT'S when you should worry OP.

By luhar | 7

#5577805 - Saturday 13 July 2013 5:00

I'm telling you, twilight is next to Justin beiber on the immense fail list. I feel for you op hopefully this is just a phase?

Reply

Miss_Attitude96 | 24

#5577976 - Saturday 13 July 2013 6:07

Is One Direction on this list too? I sure hope so

Reply

luhar | 7

#5578094 - Saturday 13 July 2013 7:29

Of course... If anything it's higher up. One direction os just bieber x5

Reply

Link5794 | 18

#5579311 - Sunday 14 July 2013 5:16

You know what's worse than any of those things? Their fans.

By Wizardo | 33

#5577810 - Saturday 13 July 2013 5:01

You went wrong by letting her watch Twilight in the first place...

Reply

highclasssnegro | 9

#5577920 - Saturday 13 July 2013 5:40

Your profile pic is gold.

Reply

timelessone | 16

#5578289 - Saturday 13 July 2013 12:26

I thought it was when he let that cut out make it through the front door.

Reply

rosenkrieger223 | 21

#5578854 - Saturday 13 July 2013 22:05

The hatred of twilight in my house is so intense, things like that (especially flammable cardboard) would spontaneously combust if it got anywhere near my doorway. haha

By luckytaim | 15

#5577817 - Saturday 13 July 2013 5:01

You should have recorded it so you can show it to her when she is older to embarrass her.

Reply

AshleyScruggs | 14

#5578192 - Saturday 13 July 2013 9:42

Or put it on Facebook. Maybe that would embarrass her enough to get rid of the cardboard cutout. :)

By angelitared | 27

#5577826 - Saturday 13 July 2013 5:02

Parents aren't cool to talk too!! Duh.

Reply

MzZombicidal | 36

#5577995 - Saturday 13 July 2013 6:20

It's also not very cool to cry into a cardboard cut-out...

Reply

SlapAndTickle | 20

#5578321 - Saturday 13 July 2013 13:02

Fairly certain she was being sarcastic.

By euphoricness | 28

#5577831 - Saturday 13 July 2013 5:03

You didn't happen to tell her you're on team Jacob, did you?

By Likian5 | 26

#5577833 - Saturday 13 July 2013 5:03

Teenagers...nothing you can do about it.

Reply

Queensland | 27

#5578269 - Saturday 13 July 2013 12:08

Burning the cut out is something she can do about it