Today, I sent everyone a text on my phone book saying, "Happy...

By 1suckatL1fe - 4/5/2009 19:04 - United States

Today, I sent everyone a text on my phone book saying, "Happy Star Wars Day!!! May the Fourth be with you!!" I forgot to uncheck my ex-girlfriend's number. She texted back, "One of the many reasons I broke up with you." FML

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Love

Work name

Yappy neighborhood

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

By Ryan - 28/8/2011 20:10 - United States

Today, after a long discussion, my dad still doesn't understand how evolution works, and thinks it's a myth that was debunked a long time ago. FML

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By Decibell - 18/4/2020 05:00

Round and round

Today, I found out the trigger to my horrendous, disgustingly painful migraines that last up to 5 days is... Pain. My migraines are literally causing themselves. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2010 10:34 - Oman

Today, I injured my knee and dislocated my shoulder fighting over a cookie with my brother. He's 14. I'm 26. He still got the cookie. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/6/2019 04:00

Today, while browsing through Walmart, I slipped on a piece of clothing and fell backwards into an obese lady’s butt. When I landed, she farted. FML

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By CrackHouseBaby - 16/10/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom - Manchester

This Is Us

Today, I learned that my parents lied. They didn't meet each other at an acid house rave. They met each other at a crack house. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2012 17:30 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job when she started crying. Despite my pleas for her to stop and attempts to comfort her, she insisted that she continue. I feel like a monster. FML

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By Hunter101 - 12/5/2012 04:24 - United States - Humble

Today, I took a picture in front of my bathroom mirror and posted it on Facebook. When I checked it later, it had 20 comments on the picture. I was feeling good until I read the comments and looked at the picture again. I left my vibrator on the the bathroom counter. FML

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By RandomTurtle109 - 19/3/2016 12:40 - United States - White River Junction

Today, I woke up late, got ready within 10 minutes and drove to work. I walked in and apologized to my boss. He said, "Go Home, it's your day off..." Walk of Shame. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2011 05:54 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend is cheating on me with a woman twice my age. I'm 32. FML

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By donny31459 - 10/8/2011 14:44 - United States

Today, I got a ticket from a cop for not riding my bike in the bike lane. I wasn't riding in the bike lane because I was avoiding construction work. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/3/2020 14:00

Hmmm, nutritious!

Today, I'm in the coronavirus-vulnerable group, so I asked my friend to go shopping for me because I'm in need of food and toilet paper. They came back with a bag of icing sugar, even though food and toilet paper were available in the shop. Forty minutes later, the shelves were stripped bare. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2008 04:32 - United States

Today, I was jacking off casually to a picture of my ex-girlfriend, when all of the sudden, my friend sends me an IM picture of a granny bending over which pops up on my screen. I think my sex life is ruined forever. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2011 06:43 - United States

Today, I found out that the gentle, adorable oral surgeon who took out my wisdom teeth last year was recently arrested for rape. FML

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By Anon - 27/8/2015 08:37 - United States

Today, I was telling my coworker that I was considering quitting the shady, 50-shades-of-scum business we work at. He snitched to our boss, who quickly fired me on bullshit charges of incompetence, theft, and workplace bullying. I guess I'm not getting a good reference from him. FML

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By InsomniacToBe - 19/7/2012 15:55 - United States - Saint George

Today, I had a dream that my ex-boyfriend had become a vicious serial killer and was hunting me down because I broke up with him. I don't know what scares me more: the way he hunted me in my sleep, or the fact that it wouldn't surprise me if it actually happened. FML

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By Darkandcold - 9/1/2013 19:23 - United Kingdom - Exeter

Today, my dad learned that it's possible to power a lightbulb with a potato. Since then, he's been going around the house removing all the plugs from the wall and plugging them into potatoes instead. He's absolutely baffled as to why it won't work. FML

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By silent one - 12/9/2011 05:30 - United States

Today, I had to stifle a fart so my upstairs neighbors wouldn't hear it. I know this because I frequently hear theirs. FML

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By Laura - 20/3/2012 22:27 - United Kingdom - Girvan

Today, I was at a concert and a man came up behind and started to grind me. I pushed him away. He came back and pissed on my leg. FML

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By LonelyAngel22 - 24/11/2016 08:10

Today, out of curiosity, I took an online test to see if I have ADHD. Halfway through, I got so distracted and bored that I gave up. Guess I know the answer. FML

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By Brasilian29 - 11/12/2014 12:01 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend of 2 years after eating in a 5-star restaurant. She said that she wasn't ready and that she would walk home by herself, which she did. A homeless gentleman walked up from behind me, patted me on the back and said, "Bitches man." I cried. FML

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By DoesNotLikeCubes - 6/7/2009 20:08 - Qatar

Today, I spent 3 hours looking at a youtube video for how to do rubik's cube. Even after being told how to do it, I couldn't finish it. I scroll down at the comments and read "Awesome! I'm 10 and can do it in 3 minutes now!". I'm 28 and still couldn't get it, even with a guide. FML

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By seriously?? - 4/2/2009 16:06 - United States

Today, I was running to the bus stop to catch the bus. The bus driver smiled, waved, and drove away without letting me get on. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2012 16:04 - Japan - Tokyo

Today, as always, I have a very weak stomach. I'm in Japan right now, and all the unfamiliar foods set me off every time I eat. I can choose between having a great time and starving myself half to death, or sitting in my hotel room all day with stomach pains and diarrhea. FML

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By Trapped. - 6/11/2013 02:53 - United States - Birmingham

Today, I had planned to break up with my overbearing girlfriend. She went into complete denial mode, bought me a pair of oversized sunglasses and tomorrow we're going ice-skating. Kill me now. FML

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By poncho31 - 22/5/2010 08:08 - United States

Today, I drove 6 hours to make a job interview missing my best friends' wedding. The interview is actually tomorrow. FML

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By Albert - 26/4/2020 17:00

Useless

Today, I used up the last of my deodorant for a business meeting on Zoom. FML

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By Le Dookie - 19/10/2018 15:00 - United States - Sugar Land

Today, I got denied a refund for my dream coffee machine. I've overdrafted my bank account to buy it on Offer Up for an excellent price, but USPS delivered the package to a wrong address. Someone got it for free. Offer Up won't refund me because it says "delivered" on the tracking page. FML

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By Less - 7/3/2011 19:39 - Reserved

Today, I decided to improve my posture by sitting through all of my classes with my shoulders and back completely straight. Pretty soon I couldn't move my shoulders at all. I had to go to the chiropractor. It turns out that in trying to improve my posture, I misaligned my spine instead. FML

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By Fatty - 27/12/2010 07:15 - United States

Today, the guy I've had a crush on came over to my house. My Dad came in to see how we we're doing, looks at me and says "Man... You've REALLY been puttin' on the pounds!", pokes me in the stomach a few times, and leaves. FML

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By sadf4x0r - 24/2/2010 17:27 - United Kingdom

Today, I realised my girlfriend is the perfect woman for most men. She only ever talks to me in the intermissions on Modern Warfare 2; shame it's not me playing. FML

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By clitty clitty bang bang - 13/4/2012 22:40 - United States - Brownsville

Today, after two years of vigorously fundraising on behalf of my senior class, they voted on spending the senior trip money at a waterpark. It's less than thirty minutes from where we all live. FML

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By Evjoel - 12/9/2016 10:52 - Bermuda - Hamilton

Today, I decided to take some local college courses to improve my résumé. I got into the physics room and a large, multi-colored sign in large print stated, "NO THROWING OR STABBING." FML

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By coloring is not for me - 10/11/2015 05:52 - United States

Today, in an attempt to lower my stress and anxiety, I tried out an anti-stress coloring page on my phone. I couldn't get the color to evenly fill inside the lines and it stressed me out even more, to the point where I started crying at work. FML

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By millzee - 17/1/2009 17:41 - United States

Today, I spent 6 hours on an airplane next to an alcoholic Pink Floyd fanatic. I must've drifted off because when I took a trip to the bathroom I noticed that my pant leg that had been closest to the drunk man was soaking wet. I returned to my seat. He was on his side, facing me. I smelt the wet spot. Not beer. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2015 01:23 - United States

Today, at Walmart, a lady came up to me and informed me that I "look like the kinda skank that'd give it up on the first date". FML

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By Joe - 11/12/2011 01:03 - United States

Today, I walked in on my mom, braiding my dad's pubic hair. I don't know what scarred me more; my mom braiding his pubic hair or the fact that his pubic hair is long enough to be braided. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/1/2012 05:32 - United States

Today, I went on a first date with a guy I really like. He brought up that there was a person staring at us from a nearby table. That person was my mom. FML

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By _RobotInDisguise - 9/12/2009 23:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I received a 4 page letter in the post from a woman telling me she was Alan's wife. She spoke about their wedding in 2004, their two beautiful kids who love their daddy very much (she included pictures), and how much she loves him. Alan is my husband of 7 years. FML

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By Nik - 20/2/2010 15:05 - United States

Today, I found out that my mother was having an affair with my boss "to help me keep my job" because she thought I was useless. FML

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By ThatEndedWell - 7/1/2019 22:00 - United States - Staten Island

Today, I decided to challenge the jerk jock at work to a fight, since he kept poking fun at me for being a weakling. Having started taking MMA classes, I was confident I'd make him eat his words. Just my luck, he's an MMA instructor and kicked my ass effortlessly. Not what I had planned. FML

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Top comments

By Tsukasa_fml | 0

#169227 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 0:51

You're better off without her if she can't appreciate that.

By JBiz_fml | 0

#169240 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 0:52

I never new there was a star wars day ...

Comments

By Tsukasa_fml | 0

#169227 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 0:51

You're better off without her if she can't appreciate that.

tisiphone_fml | 0

#727856 - Sunday 20 December 2009 4:24

Agreed, FYL. I am a woman, and I think that's awesome, and sweet. :) I'll have to remember it.

UnearthlyEnemy | 9

#816179 - Monday 1 February 2010 19:17

.hack ftw!!

The Fourth of what?

blankaex | 0

#900560 - Sunday 28 February 2010 15:51

hes probably an idiot who never realised it was "May the Force be with you"

youandme4ever_fml | 0

#967027 - Wednesday 24 March 2010 1:12

may duhhh

caelun | 0

#981779 - Monday 19 April 2010 14:27

phone book?

caligurls | 0

#1073350 - Thursday 8 July 2010 7:51

hahshahaga WHAT kind of a dork celebrates Star wars day???? hahaha ad what the crap IS that???? haha and add a stupid joke to top it off!!! hahaha fail fail I would do the same as that ex!!

Hummbinger | 5

#1118548 - Wednesday 21 July 2010 8:58

#336 "May the fourth be with you" is a play on words. May the fourth is the date, while he says it like the phrase in the movies.

yuop77 | 0

#1296666 - Tuesday 24 August 2010 21:44

344 is right, you are SUCH a fucking nerd LOL

Brendan3693 | 0

#1315111 - Sunday 29 August 2010 7:05

344

shut the crap up. your probably a fanboy covering it up. don't insult people 4 no reason.

FYI be nice to nerds because someday you'll end up working for them.

TXjuggalo972 | 6

#1886829 - Friday 24 December 2010 17:38

maybe she's a serous woman but op deserves it for having here in there if she's a bi/tch

twilightluver347 | 7

#2498155 - Thursday 12 May 2011 12:51

Who DOES appriciate that?? Its so stupid!

22cute | 17

#4512761 - Saturday 2 June 2012 18:33

I appreciate that!
I'd appreciate having a man with that sense of humor! In fact, I even take a secret fiendish delight in knowing OP included his Ex....tee hee hee