Today, I sent everyone a text on my phone book saying, "Happy...

By 1suckatL1fe - 4/5/2009 19:04 - United States

Today, I sent everyone a text on my phone book saying, "Happy Star Wars Day!!! May the Fourth be with you!!" I forgot to uncheck my ex-girlfriend's number. She texted back, "One of the many reasons I broke up with you." FML

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Love

Family values

Oh, he's a "Nice Guy"

Risky business

By Anonymous - 23/7/2012 07:35 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I mowed over a bird while mowing the lawn. It wasn't dead, so I had to mow over it a second time to put it out of its misery. Now there are pieces of dead bird all over my lawn and I can't sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/3/2012 18:51 - United Kingdom

Today, I went with my friends to see a movie. I handed my student card over to the cashier as proof I was old enough to see it, and he started laughing hysterically at my picture. Then he called over a colleague, who also started laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/8/2015 15:22 - United States

Today, while working at a children's toy store, a woman walked in, looked around a bit, then asked if we sell dildos. FML

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By DepressedKid - 1/10/2010 11:31 - Canada

Today, I found out that no one actually likes me as a friend. They only like me to get answers for school work. How did I find out? They were talking about it in front of me. Apparently I'm also invisible to them. FML

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By insomniacap - 30/12/2015 23:47 - United States - Stratford

Today, I am struggling with exhaustion due to insomnia. The reason I cannot sleep is crippling anxiety - not about my complicated romantic situation, my pileup of work, or even my relationship with my father. No, I'm afraid of a blind ship captain I saw in a dream three days ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2014 18:34 - United States - Hartford

Today, I realized that although I'm dating the most loveable, caring and genuine man, the fact that he's a crack addict means I'll never be his drug of choice when he needs a hit. FML

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By cheekymonkey97 - 24/10/2016 16:48

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend whilst straddled on top of him. He started to undo my bra. I was fine with this but he stopped kissing me and looked at me with a slight smile. He then said, "I know this is going to kill the mood... but I feel like I could milk your boobs right now" FML

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By WhatTheFuck - 30/7/2015 15:30 - United States - Bridgeview

Today, I had to listen to my grandma talk about how she's "allergic" to toilet paper, and how she lets nature "take care of it". FML

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By replik - 25/1/2012 15:50 - Russian Federation

Today, I got stuck for a while in a hallway between two security doors due to a malfunction. I'm not claustrophobic, but I sure am sensitive to horrifying smells coming from a nearby bathroom stall. FML

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By Rob - 16/10/2009 01:59 - France

Today, while on the crapper, I learned that morphine has a nasty side-effect. It appears that it can cause a massive rock-hard piece of dung the size of a bus to form in your intestines. I went to the doctor, he handed me a glove and some laxatives and said "Have fun!" FML

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By TheLastGreatDope - 20/2/2018 23:00 - United States - Winchester

Today, I received a random message on a dating app. It was the girl I'd always wanted to marry, but who disappeared from my life when we were younger. She went on and on about how much she missed me... and how much she wanted me to meet her husband and 3 kids. FML

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By quinndulgent - 29/11/2015 21:10 - United States - West Bend

Today, due to the incompetence and apathy of my lab partners, I have to write a 12-page lab paper by myself. A 12 page lab paper about radishes. Radishes. FML

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By susiedoggles - 5/11/2018 08:00 - United States - Milford

Today, getting home after a long day of work, my boyfriend came running out of the house. Being silly, I thought he was excited to see me. Nope - he was excited to show me the squirrel he shot. In the house. Apparently, we have house squirrels and a boatload of holes in the floor and couch. FML

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By Fatty - 27/12/2010 07:15 - United States

Today, the guy I've had a crush on came over to my house. My Dad came in to see how we we're doing, looks at me and says "Man... You've REALLY been puttin' on the pounds!", pokes me in the stomach a few times, and leaves. FML

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By sweet_02 - 1/6/2009 17:47 - United States

Today, I was talking this guy I'm dating and stated that the only reason I am with him is because of what he buys me. I was joking. He then responded that he doesn't care because the only reason he is with me is because I give good head. He was serious. FML

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By DreeStahr - 30/9/2016 04:05 - United States - Liberty

Today, I was texting my boyfriend and things were getting a little steamy. He said, "I really want you right now." So, of course, I told him to come over. To which he replied, "Nah." FML

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By slickrick22 - 27/2/2012 02:43 - United States

Today, I had a dream about the damn cappuccino machine at work. FML

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By parentalfail - 25/12/2009 18:19 - United States

Today, my parents told me they're getting a divorce. However, they asked me not to tell any of the family so that the news doesn't spoil Christmas. Thanks, Mom and Dad. FML

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By ouchmynose - 18/2/2009 02:43 - United States

Today, I kneeled down to tie my shoe and sneezed, nailing my face off of my knee and breaking my nose. FML

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By lloydLO - 24/10/2009 02:23 - United States

Today, I met and asked a cute girl out on a date. We decided to meet at a fancy restaurant downtown. When I got there I saw her sitting with what turned out to be her parents. They made a huge scene, calling me a pedophile and a low-life. Apparently, the girl was 16 years old. I'm 25. FML

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By secretdoll - 9/11/2010 07:51 - United States

Today, I was eating at a Mexican restaurant with my sister. I was happily biting into a burrito, when I saw a man in his car in the restaurant parking lot, staring at us and jacking off. FML

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By nerd_man01 - 10/7/2009 19:20 - United States

Today, my younger brother, who is 15, had to show me the quickest way to take off a woman's bra. I'm 12 years older than he is. FML

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By Jerf - 24/6/2009 00:56 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting it on, and listening to loud music when she suddenly looked worried and asked if I heard something. I said no and continued. Moments later, three firemen opened the bedroom door and told us to get dressed and go outside because the building was on fire. FML

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By Harejordan - 4/2/2009 16:44 - United States

Today, I was driving and stopped behind a person at a stop sign. Their car didn't move for about 1 minute. I got out of my car yelling at the person. It was an old woman. She wasn't breathing. FML

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By ashamedklutz - 22/2/2014 00:20 - United Kingdom - Dunfermline

Today, with a single misstep, I managed to send myself and several others tumbling down a stairwell at work. An ambulance ended up having to be called for one lady. FML

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By Jason Brazil - 13/8/2019 14:00

Today, my boss threatened to fire me because I'm unproductive, and haven't been doing anything. He doesn't tell me what to do, and expects me to read his mind. When I ask him what he wants me to do, he gets pissed and says that I should already know what to do. FML

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By danam - 5/7/2011 02:38 - Canada

Today, I looked out my window to see the sunset, but instead I see my neighbor dancing with strobe lights on and music blasting. He was by himself and had absolutely nothing on. FML

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By soontobesingle - 19/3/2013 11:30 - United States - Chicago

Today, I found out that my gorgeous, smart, perfect new boyfriend has an unusual fetish. It doesn't involve me at all actually. Just a Labrador. This is probably a deal breaker. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom - Swindon

Arse!

Today, I was watching TV with my grandma. She was looking for the remote, blindly trying to put her hand into the sofa. Instead, she shoved her hand down the back of my pants. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2016 20:42 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, my boss threw me out of her office during a conference call for daring to correct her. The client fired the company because she subsequently got all the information on the call wrong, and plainly had no idea what was going on. From all the screaming, this is now all my fault. FML

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By ihatemyex - 23/5/2020 14:00

Who are you?

Today, a woman I’d never met came to my door asking if my kids were ready to go. Obviously I refused to send my kids with a stranger. Apparently she’s my ex's new girlfriend and "has his permission" to come get my kids. Now he’s threatening to take me to court for violating the visitation order. FML

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By NotInMiddleSchool - 20/11/2009 17:24 - United States

Today, as I was yelled at by a middle school teacher in front of 30 6th graders for breaking the rule of "no cell phones in school." Luckily, I escaped being sent to the office after explaining I'm a 21 year old college student doing student teaching observations, not a middle schooler. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2013 16:40 - Sweden - Storfors

Today, my brother tried to convince me to get a clitoris piercing at his recently opened piercing studio. FML

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By giantcuntflaps - 13/12/2014 16:03 - Australia

Today, I was trying to turn my boyfriend on with dirty texts. When he said "I'm horny," I teasingly replied, "Whoops, did I do that?" His reply? "Huh? Naw i'm watching sum porn". FML

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By Noname - 24/2/2009 18:13 - United States

Today, I asked my dad if he could fix my bed. It had been squeaking for some time. He shook his head no. He then continued with, "Your bed is a security system and as far as I can tell, you haven't gotten any in weeks". FML

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By hotheadslav - 21/6/2015 01:59 - United States - Warsaw

Today, I was on a date with a girl and everything was going great. As I took her back to her house and walked her to her door I leaned in for a kiss. She seemed to really enjoy it so I went for another but as I leaned in again, I sneezed uncontrollably shooting her face with saliva and snot. FML

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By collball22 - 22/8/2011 04:58 - United States

Today, I was with my boyfriend and I said that I was self-conscious of my acne. He told me that only one of my zits was noticeable and that it wasn't so bad. In fact he said it looked cool, like a bullet wound or something "awesome" like that. FML

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By anaph0re - 1/2/2009 15:52 - France

Today, it was good fun getting this nice vampire make-up at my drama lesson. It would have been better if I hadn't forgotten my demake-up. Even better if I could have avoided those crazy glances in the bus home. FML

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By ohno - 14/9/2010 23:30 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend of 3 years out to where we had our first date. I proposed to her. She breaks down in tears as she tells me she's been sleeping with her co-worker for the past year. FML

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By WronglySad619 - 26/1/2011 10:31 - United States

Today, after mourning and making my girlfriend cancel her big birthday party, I found out my grandma didn't actually die. FML

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Top comments

By Tsukasa_fml | 0

#169227 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 0:51

You're better off without her if she can't appreciate that.

By JBiz_fml | 0

#169240 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 0:52

I never new there was a star wars day ...

COMMENTS

By Tsukasa_fml | 0

#169227 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 0:51

You're better off without her if she can't appreciate that.

tisiphone_fml | 0

#727856 - Sunday 20 December 2009 4:24

Agreed, FYL. I am a woman, and I think that's awesome, and sweet. :) I'll have to remember it.

UnearthlyEnemy | 9

#816179 - Monday 1 February 2010 19:17

.hack ftw!!

The Fourth of what?

blankaex | 0

#900560 - Sunday 28 February 2010 15:51

hes probably an idiot who never realised it was "May the Force be with you"

youandme4ever_fml | 0

#967027 - Wednesday 24 March 2010 1:12

may duhhh

caelun | 0

#981779 - Monday 19 April 2010 14:27

phone book?

caligurls | 0

#1073350 - Thursday 8 July 2010 7:51

hahshahaga WHAT kind of a dork celebrates Star wars day???? hahaha ad what the crap IS that???? haha and add a stupid joke to top it off!!! hahaha fail fail I would do the same as that ex!!

Hummbinger | 5

#1118548 - Wednesday 21 July 2010 8:58

#336 "May the fourth be with you" is a play on words. May the fourth is the date, while he says it like the phrase in the movies.

yuop77 | 0

#1296666 - Tuesday 24 August 2010 21:44

344 is right, you are SUCH a fucking nerd LOL

Brendan3693 | 0

#1315111 - Sunday 29 August 2010 7:05

344

shut the crap up. your probably a fanboy covering it up. don't insult people 4 no reason.

FYI be nice to nerds because someday you'll end up working for them.

TXjuggalo972 | 6

#1886829 - Friday 24 December 2010 17:38

maybe she's a serous woman but op deserves it for having here in there if she's a bi/tch

twilightluver347 | 7

#2498155 - Thursday 12 May 2011 12:51

Who DOES appriciate that?? Its so stupid!

22cute | 17

#4512761 - Saturday 2 June 2012 18:33

I appreciate that!
I'd appreciate having a man with that sense of humor! In fact, I even take a secret fiendish delight in knowing OP included his Ex....tee hee hee