Miscellaneous: Today, I saw Santa. He gave me the finger. FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54

You deserved it 5

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 103

Spicy

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18

You deserved it 113

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 706

You deserved it 113

29/11/2011 00:44

Today, I saw Santa. He gave me the finger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 217

You deserved it 5 609

Miscellaneous

Hiding from the drama

Triage

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

11/03/2009 05:21

Today, I had to get my hair chopped off for a role that I'm playing in a show. I was staring at the floor while the woman cut my hair, and I suddenly heard her start crying. Her tears were immediately followed by "It's okay! I have a friend in New York who can fix it. We won't charge you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 81 413

You deserved it 3 796

21/07/2012 22:49

Today, my boss gave me a warning for "insulting our best customer" after she saw a comment on her customer card saying "stop giving this fat bitch free samples." My boss had written it in the first place, but refuses to either remember or admit it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 571

You deserved it 1 770

22/03/2012 17:14

Today, I had to yet again tell my mother-in-law that I wasn't going to name my unborn baby "Ermintrude" after her late mother. My husband told me to stop being difficult, and that he agrees that it would be nice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 271

You deserved it 2 565

01/11/2014 03:59

Today, I went to a Halloween party dressed in Charlie Brown's ghost costume, a white sheet with holes all over. I got beat up for dressing like a member of the KKK. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 848

You deserved it 7 569

Fake News

By Anonymous - 06/10/2020 23:01

Today, I’m not sure what to call it, but I think I just got COVID-SWATted when a bunch of police turned up to my house after someone told them I was partying with over 50 people, breaking social distancing. In a one-bed flat, with barely enough room for 3 people to sit down at the same time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 288

You deserved it 80

Love is… strange

By Anonymous - 25/08/2021 02:01

Today, I asked my sister if she could watch my son so I could surprise my boyfriend and take him out for dinner and maybe some sexy time afterwards. He didn't even know it was our 2-year anniversary. He doesn't care, neither do I. FML

I agree, your life sucks 685

You deserved it 240

11/11/2009 05:55

Today, I woke up at 6:00 am to the sound of somebody laying on their horn outside my apartment. I ran outside to yell at them only to find out it was my car. The horn was shortcircuting. All my neighbors stood on their porch laughing as I repeatedly punched my steering wheel to make it stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 297

You deserved it 4 140

21/05/2017 14:00

Today, I found out the coffee mug my housemate uses to thaw dead mice for his snake is the same mug I use for my morning coffee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 682

You deserved it 414

Scary

By The V Sal - 13/02/2009 18:39

Today, I was helping supervise a 5 year-old's birthday party in an inflatable obstacle course. I was playing hide and seek with them. I saw the birthday boy and crept around the corner and yelled, "Found you!" He peed his pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 086

You deserved it 34 247

20/01/2014 03:59

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex. After a while, he started staring at my lady parts, and said my "vag looks like a mockingjay". He then stretched the lips apart like wings and made little "CA-CAW CA-CAW!" sounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 474

You deserved it 10 004

14/01/2014 17:59

Today, the sewage pipe busted on the side of our house, spew fecal matter and the condoms I recently flushed. My parents now refuse to talk to me, and won't let my girlfriend anywhere near the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 602

You deserved it 49 888

01/08/2011 21:29

Today, while waiting at the park for my friend, an intoxicated tramp came up to me and asked me out. After I politely declined, he snatched the phone from my hand, threw it on the ground, screamed that I was a "two-timing whore", and staggered away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 039

You deserved it 3 453

06/02/2011 07:37

Today, I learned that standing next to a hobo doesn't make me look better in comparison, but instead just makes me seem like a hobo as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 048

You deserved it 30 957

19/02/2013 03:21

Today, as my lame excuse to not give a guy I met at a club my phone number, I told him I didn't have a cell phone. Guess what I checked when he asked me what time it was a few minutes later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 337

You deserved it 54 699

22/05/2010 20:32

Today, while getting ready for a friend's wedding, I was curling my eyelashes. My cat decided to jump onto the towel rod. As I went to catch her, I ripped all the eyelashes out of one eye. I called my boyfriend crying. When he saw me, he laughed and said, "You look really surprised in that eye." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 056

You deserved it 7 585

22/12/2012 01:16

Today, after sharing my first night in bed with my boyfriend, I woke up early, and decided to rouse him with some surprise oral. It didn't go so well; he woke up screaming and gasped, "OH MY GOD! I thought you were my cat!" before telling me to continue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 654

You deserved it 8 922

04/10/2009 19:33

Today, I ordered a chicken sandwich. I was starving and it was the fastest thing to order. Half way through it, I found something which does not belong, and removed it. It was half a cockroach, and I don't know where the other half is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 051

You deserved it 3 548

05/07/2010 23:22

Today, I have to pack for tomorrow's family vacation. For one week I get to be stuck in a one bedroom cabin with my alcoholic father, bipolar mother, and two much younger siblings who have a passion for screaming. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 547

You deserved it 4 347

Libel

By Anonymous - 17/07/2020 14:00

Today, my friends told me that my girlfriend of over a year and a half refers to me on Facebook, Twitter and Snapchat as "the monster I can't get rid of." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 468

You deserved it 174

Think of the environment

By Anonyname - 18/05/2014 19:14

Today, my husband and I announced at a family get-together that I'm pregnant with our fourth child. My dad sighed, and spent the rest of the evening acting moody and eventually muttering about how he'd raised a "damned brood mare." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 525

You deserved it 10 384

28/01/2010 01:29

Today, my boyfriend and I started our diet. After a long day of being held accountable for every calorie I ate, I went home to sneak a snack. My boyfriend came over to surprise me, and found me on the couch shoveling left-over Indian food into my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 233

You deserved it 49 452

29/10/2012 18:42

Today, I was complimented for having amazingly lifelike warts as part of my witch costume, and was asked how I achieved the effect so well. I didn't have the heart to admit they were just my pimples under green makeup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 857

You deserved it 2 243

Mystery message service

By Anonymous - 25/11/2020 20:02

Today, my two year-old opened one of my boyfriend's Snapchat messages. It was from a girl I've never heard of with, whom he has a 700+ day streak and is one of his top friends. The message said, "I wish?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 791

You deserved it 173

15/01/2013 17:45

Today, I finally felt ready to have sex for the first time, with my boyfriend of nearly 8 months. When I told him, things became intimate and pants came off. He then looked at me and said, "Yeah, I can't do this." The rest of the night was spent in awkward silence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 647

You deserved it 6 624

10/07/2012 03:40

Today, I told my boyfriend that I was going to stop drinking, since I have been having some problems with alcohol and some of my relatives are alcoholics. He later broke up with me, saying he couldn't be with someone who "chose to be boring." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 950

You deserved it 3 395

14/07/2014 09:31

Today, I was informed by a laughing friend, that my phone must be taking and uploading photos to Google+. Among numerous black shots, there is a particularly nice one of me while I'm sitting on the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 707

You deserved it 6 061

14/06/2012 20:10

Today, all my guy friends kept hugging me tightly and then softly and then tightly again. I later found out they just wanted to feel my boobs on their chests. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 124

You deserved it 8 658

26/01/2019 02:00

Today, I wanted to bake some chocolate chip cookies. As the first load was done, I tasted a cookie and it tasted too salty. Thinking it was because of the pinch of salt, I added more sugar to the batter, only to realize that the sugar I've put into the whole batter was actually salt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 046

You deserved it 2 322

01/01/2014 17:47

Today, I woke up hungover and with $13 stuffed in my bra. I'm not a stripper, and I'm not sure how it got there, but that's the most money I've had on me in weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 013

You deserved it 9 464

07/03/2016 19:00

Today, my boyfriend is mad at me for causing him to fail a science test. Apparently he thought I was serious when I told him that homo sapiens were extinct because they were "homo". FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 226

You deserved it 3 928

Time to grow a beard?

By Ben - 03/08/2017 23:00

Today, my girlfriend told me she won't have sex with me anymore. When I asked her why, she said I've lost too much weight and I look like her son. Her son is 4 feet tall & 9 years old. I'm 6 feet tall & 30 years old. She said having sex with me feel like having sex with her son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 856

You deserved it 449

17/05/2012 05:05

Today, my first date consisted of him and me in the emergency room of the hospital after his little brother hit me in the face with a baseball bat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 029

You deserved it 1 990

19/11/2010 03:34

Today, I was just about done with my late-night shift at Ralph's. As I was about to put up my "Closed Lane" sign, an elderly women starts putting items on the conveyor belt. The cost was $14.79, and she paid with pennies. It took her ages to count them all, and I wasn't being paid overtime. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 571

You deserved it 3 978

05/03/2018 01:30

Today, my insanely religious 60-year-old neighbor screamed at me when I left my home to go to work. I was wearing jeans and that’s apparently improper for a female adult. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 441

You deserved it 306

26/10/2009 02:00

Today, I was at ATandT getting my phone fixed. At one point, the salesman said 'you should see this'. It was a text message from some girl apologizing for sleeping with my boyfriend for the past four months, and telling me that they were moving him out of our apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 849

You deserved it 2 230

23/07/2015 13:05

Today, I had a dream about a giant spider crawling around in my mouth. I woke up to find that dreams sometimes do come true. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 111

You deserved it 1 968

20/08/2011 23:02

Today, my brother told the family that if you pull on the dog's back foot then she always obeys. I later found my mom tugging on the dog's foot whispering "jump off a cliff" repeatedly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 045

You deserved it 2 548

23/08/2012 06:15

Today, I discovered that it's an hour and 45 minutes quicker to get the bus to work, rather than the train. I've worked there for six years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 539

You deserved it 14 260

22/04/2016 20:20

Today, through a mutual friend, I met the girl of my dreams. After flirting and exchanging numbers with her, my friend confessed that she's liked me since the day we met. Now the girl of my dreams doesn't want to pursue a relationship with me out of respect for our friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 382

You deserved it 1 738

17/04/2016 20:33

Today, while walking down the street I thought it would be funny to moon a crowd of old people taking a photo, in a few seconds a couple of them started pointing in my direction... Turns out they were pointing at the car that ran me over shortly after. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 809

You deserved it 36 047

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

alex1432 9

Send a private message

Tuesday 29 November 2011 8:43

What was that fucker doing out of his workshop?!

StoryOfTheYear 13

Send a private message

Tuesday 29 November 2011 8:41

Did you take it?

Comments

StoryOfTheYear 13

Send a private message

Tuesday 29 November 2011 8:41

Did you take it?

MrTittySprinkles 7

Send a private message

Tuesday 29 November 2011 8:56

Mery Christmas....... Now go fuck your self

cudi504 4

Send a private message

Tuesday 29 November 2011 9:03

All he wanted was for OP to sit on his lap

Keyman1212 14

Send a private message

Tuesday 29 November 2011 10:55

No, I don't think it meant go fuck yourself, I think it meant I want to fuck you.

flagg1888 3

Send a private message

Tuesday 29 November 2011 11:14

Really 47?? Is that how you see the world?? Unless you meant it as a joke, then it just wasn't funny

pancakerocks 1

Send a private message

Tuesday 29 November 2011 18:29

i thought it was funny

Naitsi 19

Send a private message

Tuesday 29 November 2011 20:12

Queas you are on the bad list

MrShizzBear 0

Send a private message

Wednesday 30 November 2011 0:58

Must've thought you were a Ho Ho Ho :D

chili_is_good 0

Send a private message

Wednesday 30 November 2011 2:43

Santas like where's my ho's at?

FarSide 22

Send a private message

Wednesday 30 November 2011 2:48

Oh I sure OP took it all.

Tommananaze6T9 4

Send a private message

Monday 5 December 2011 7:15

I guess Santa's on the naughty list this year

SlyTendencies 1

Send a private message

Tuesday 29 November 2011 8:41

...Merry Christmas! =D

Duladian 19

Send a private message

Tuesday 29 November 2011 8:45

Tis the season. I wonder if he got pepper sprayed on black friday... that'd ruin my mood.

Duladian 19

Send a private message

Tuesday 29 November 2011 8:45

Tis the season. I wonder if he got pepper sprayed on black friday... that'd ruin my mood.

boofgall 16

Send a private message

Tuesday 29 November 2011 9:49

Ho Ho..oh?

lovejdbieber 0

Send a private message

Tuesday 29 November 2011 11:07

Looks like someones been naughty this year

superguppy19 3

Send a private message

Tuesday 29 November 2011 14:11

It's merry fucking christmas to you little boy

D37H100 5

Send a private message

Tuesday 29 November 2011 16:42

"And what the f*** do you want for Christmas? I just want the old Santa back. Santa's dead b****!" aha dickfigures.

ihasbrains 10

Send a private message

Tuesday 29 November 2011 19:17

You're not Santa. You smell like beef and cheese.

ninjuh_wingman 29

Send a private message

Tuesday 29 November 2011 8:42

Its because you're not suppose to see him til Christmas. Either that or he's trying to tell you that you've been naughty this year.

Carbonation 0

Send a private message

Tuesday 29 November 2011 8:57

When I'm naughty, I just get chained up and spanked with a paddle. Am I doing it right?

FYLDeep 25

Send a private message

Tuesday 29 November 2011 9:05

Only if you say "Thank you sir, may I have another?" after each spanking.

cBlackout 13

Send a private message

Tuesday 29 November 2011 8:43

Now is when you go and ask him for presents.

alex1432 9

Send a private message

Tuesday 29 November 2011 8:43

What was that fucker doing out of his workshop?!

BadSuerte 0

Send a private message

Wednesday 30 November 2011 3:17

Checking to see whose been naughty or nice....well we know someone who's been naughty.

heythisisme02 9

Send a private message

Monday 31 March 2014 23:37

I don't know probably nothing!! CAUSE HE IS NOT REAL!!

kut19 6

Send a private message

Tuesday 29 November 2011 8:43

He didn't give you a lump of coal. So that's good!

LadyLol_fml 15

Send a private message

Tuesday 29 November 2011 8:45

They'll be coal in your stocking, come Christmas morn'.

Miguemex95 4

Send a private message

Tuesday 29 November 2011 8:45

On the bright side.... nah there's no bright side that was plain fucked up.

CadillacPimpen 6

Send a private message

Tuesday 29 November 2011 8:50

The best things in life are free. Like first!

SwiftFaux 0

Send a private message

Tuesday 29 November 2011 8:51

What the fuck did YOU put on your christmaa list?

SwiftFaux 0

Send a private message

Tuesday 29 November 2011 8:54

christmas* , iTouch ftw.

mikemotox105 4

Send a private message

Thursday 29 December 2011 6:17

Dnt cuss u look like ur 12