Money: Today, I was mugged by a guy in a Santa suit. FML - FML

By evil Santa - United States - Solon

Today, I was mugged by a guy in a Santa suit. FML

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Proactive

Season finale

Crowded House

By Stepmotherfucker - Ukraine

Today, my stepmother started talking to me after a month of the silent treatment. When I asked her what I had done wrong, she replied, "Nothing, but do you know that feeling when you look at someone and you just want to choke them?" FML

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By Butterfly - France

Today, I warned my boss that I couldn't take part in a very important meeting I've been working on for 6 months (my son is ill). "Never mind" he said, "We'll just put a pot plant on your seat". FML

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By dragynfyre - United States

Today, my boss called me out for a drug test. His reason was because my eyes are puffy and bloodshot, making me look high. I've been suffering from allergies all week, but still had to pee in a cup in front of a complete stranger. FML

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By nolife - United States - Richmond

Today, I purposely misspelled words while texting my boyfriend so he would think I was out partying and having a life. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, after drunk texting a girl the night before, I sent her a message saying I was sorry for everything I said. All she could say back? "Those were some of the most normal drunk texts I have ever read. I'd hate to see how boring you'd be sober." FML

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By sashimieater - United States

Today, it was the last day of school. My students shared what they thought of me. Expecting to hear wonderful things, all of their complaints can be summed up in a few words: I'm a liar, a killer of dreams, I need to grow up, and I was a big disappointment to them. I'm a first-year teacher. FML

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By sam_666777 - United States - Farmingdale

Today, my 8 year old son asked me why he had to make his bed everyday if he would just use it again. I replied with, "You flush the toilet even though you're going to use it again, right?" He said, "Good point." Now he's not making his bed or flushing the toilet. FML

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By cc - United States

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend about how I'm self conscious about my weight. He looks at me and says, "Don't worry babe, I've always been kind of a chubby chaser." FML

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By rileym797 - United States

Today, my wife took herself, the kids, and extended family members I've never even heard of to New York. She paid the 7,000$ bill with my credit card. FML

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By Un1ucky - United States

Today, my boyfriend wanted to make breakfast. Since I usually do all the cooking, I said that was fine. Four hours later, my boyfriend and I were sitting on the sidewalk across the street as the firemen sprayed down the burnt remains of our kitchen. FML

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By alone_forever - United States

Today, my best friend who I have been secretly in love with forever, was ranting about her ex-girlfriend. Then she said : "If only you were gay, we'd be perfect for each other." So I took the chance to tell her I was. She responded : "Well I am still not attracted to you though." FML

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By Lilly - United States - Conway

Today, I was on a dinner date with a guy I really like. I guess I was on my phone too much because halfway through the date he sent me a text saying how much my half of the bill would be. FML

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By HansonLUVR - United States

Today, I was eating lunch naked at my home watching porn on the big screen. I heard the garage door opening meaning my roommate was coming home. In my haste to get dressed, I fell back in the barstool I was sitting in and knocked myself out. I woke up still naked and with lettuce all over me. FML

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By hipthrustdude - Malaysia

Today, I got really excited at work over a deal I was about to close. I got up and started performing a rather obscene hip thrust only to notice a client sitting in the glass meeting room. FML

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By pharmn00b - United States

Today, at work, I was calling customers to tell them that they had prescriptions waiting to be picked up. It was a long list and every time I reached an answering machine I left our number so they could call us back. When I was finished, the pharmacist told me I been giving out our fax number. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fairfield

Today, I was driving around with a few friends when one of them suggested we go in to an insurance company's office and sing their jingle. I'm an awful singer, so I was planning on lip syncing. Everyone else had the same idea. FML

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By 464424 - United States - Dayton

Today, my little sister came to me crying about how everyone calls her a bad driver. I gave her a pep talk, an encouraging hug, and told her not to listen to negativity. Five minutes later she wrecked my car. FML

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By Lily - United States

Today, I came to school late because I had to drop off my daughter at school. When I got on campus, the security told me I was late but I said, "Oh no, I work here." and he said, "Oh like I haven't heard that one before." And he took me to detention. My boss, the Principal, had to bail me out. FML

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By henry feingold - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I were making out in a motel room. Just before we really got started I noticed that I forgot to close the drapes. Once I got up to close them I saw 3 maids and the manager run away. FML

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By ournhd - United States

Today, I got bailed out of jail. I was there because I saw a girl being hit by her boyfriend. I rushed over to help only to have her hit me repeatedly. The cops came and she blamed her bruises on me. The boyfriend corroborated her story. FML

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By Cold feet - Canada - Richmond Hill

Today, I found out that my roommate was responsible for stealing my socks. When I confronted him about it, he told me that he did it because he likes looking at my bare feet and jerking off into my socks. We’re both guys. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I was rejected for a dream photography job that involves travelling all over the world, because according to the interviewer, half the photos in my nature portfolio were "blatantly photoshopped." I guess reality isn't realistic enough for some people. FML

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By RootyTootToot

Today, I got a call from "No Caller ID", which usually only shows up when someone calls from my house phone. Thinking it was my kids, I answered imitating a cartoon voice. It wasn't my kids. It was the district attorney's office calling about the job I applied for. FML

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By still together - United States - Keansburg

Today, my sister announced that she and her boyfriend are getting married. Her boyfriend is my husband. We're not even legally divorced yet. FML

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By Son - United States

Today, after an hour-long conversation with my mom that was supposed to help fix our relationship, she said she prefers Beatrice over me and that she's moving in with her. Beatrice is not my sister, she's my older cousin. FML

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By

Today, I accidentally uploaded a video of me pleasing myself to my Snapchat story. Five people saw it before I could take it down. FML

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By wench - United States

Today, while driving, I idly started picking my nose. I looked over at the car next to me and saw a smoking hot guy from my school staring at me in disgust. He kept staring until I took a turn-off. FML

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By anon

Today, while working as a cashier, a really cute guy came up and said, "Hi Morgan". I freaked out and asked him how he knew my name. He then replied, "You have a name tag". FML

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By unholy shit - United States

Today, my parents boarded the fad wagon and became Juggalos. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I asked my boyfriend of 7 months to come over on Valentine's Day so I can cook dinner for him. He asked if he could invite his wife over as well. Guess who's newly single right before Valentine's Day! FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend was disgusted because I dropped a Skittle on the floor and ate it. He thought peeing on me in the shower was just fine. FML

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By Ya_I_said_it

Today, I've been so stressed out that I forgot my own birthday. I only remembered when my mom talked to me to let me know she wasn't planning on doing anything for it. FML

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By Sigh - Australia

Today, I went to visit my parents. Dad went on a religious tirade, and Mum got sick of him and pelted a Brazil nut at his head. Dad then lost his shit, and told Mum to go to her room and pray. I now remember why I moved out of home in the first place. FML

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By salope - France - Paris

Today, my boss broke off our relationship because he said it's inappropriate. I really liked him, but I accepted it and respected his integrity. A few hours later, I found out he's now dating my colleague. FML

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By rattness - United States

Today, I found out the animal that was gnawing behind the kitchen wall all night was indeed a wild rat and his entire family. FML

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By Bl6122 - United States - Lafayette

Today, my mom received a condolence card from my high school's alumni association for my recent passing. I'm still alive! FML

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By Éponine - 12/6/2020 17:03

Miserable

Today, as an aspiring performer, I tried to practice crying on demand by singing "A Little Fall of Rain" and "On My Own" from Les Misérables. It was all going well, until my nose started running uncontrollably and no tears actually came out of my eyes. Maybe acting isn't for me. FML

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By 9gingerface66 - United States

Kinky

Today, after finally getting up the confidence, I started talking really dirty to my boyfriend on the phone. I was getting really onto it, and he seemed to enjoy it too. Then I stopped for a second to gauge his reaction. He was snoring. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving in my very own car that I bought and paid for myself, when I stopped at a stop light. Then I noticed the truck in front of me turn on his reverse lights. I honked desperately. He hits me, looks out the window and says "I see no damage" and drives away. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New Hyde Park

Today, my younger brother, who still lives in our parents' basement and has never held a job in his life, announced that his girlfriend is pregnant with their third child. I'm a college graduate living on my own and I've never even had sex. FML

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Top comments

By Dunmerdude | 13

#6153889 - Thursday 25 December 2014 18:48

That sounds ho-ho-horrible!

By Welshite | 39

#6153894 - Thursday 25 December 2014 18:48

Santa needs funds for next year's toys.

COMMENTS

By Dunmerdude | 13

#6153889 - Thursday 25 December 2014 18:48

That sounds ho-ho-horrible!

Reply

quickit | 24

#6153943 - Thursday 25 December 2014 19:12

OP was probably on the naughty list.

Reply

krazayman | 18

#6155365 - Saturday 27 December 2014 8:12

that maybe what santa does to make money to give back to other people

By pam241 | 15

#6153891 - Thursday 25 December 2014 18:48

At least he had the Christmas spirit!

Reply

tonyfan00 | 38

#6154425 - Friday 26 December 2014 6:29

*slurred* I'm drunk! You dunt havven an excuse...

By Welshite | 39

#6153894 - Thursday 25 December 2014 18:48

Santa needs funds for next year's toys.

Reply

Duckzy | 16

#6153916 - Thursday 25 December 2014 18:53

Santa has to get money somehow

Reply

lnheritance | 19

#6153933 - Thursday 25 December 2014 19:05

Economy so bad, has to find another way to get toys.

Reply

MrSassypants | 32

#6153982 - Thursday 25 December 2014 19:48

So that's why Santa stole my presents instead of leaving some. He was probably stealing them to give to the less fortunate. What a nice guy. He was even wearing an all black suit. Bold fashion statement.

Reply

Guatican | 6

#6154698 - Friday 26 December 2014 18:27

Good Guy Santa,

By asiakvt | 10

#6153895 - Thursday 25 December 2014 18:48

His special way of saying Merry Christmas :)

By Silk_Routes | 14

#6153901 - Thursday 25 December 2014 18:50

u must hav enjoyed!

By hobojo69 | 23

#6153902 - Thursday 25 December 2014 18:50

Times are tough even for Santa I guess

By Wolfparable | 22

#6153904 - Thursday 25 December 2014 18:50

Clearly you weren't a good enough boy this year

Reply

tonyfan00 | 38

#6154427 - Friday 26 December 2014 6:30

Did he get beaten with a stocking full of coal? :D

By CallMeWindSock | 24

#6153906 - Thursday 25 December 2014 18:50

Joy to the world

By aruden | 25

#6153907 - Thursday 25 December 2014 18:50

Should have hit him in his Santa sack.

By BigFun76 | 12

#6153926 - Thursday 25 December 2014 18:59

As long as He checked his list twice I'm ok with this.