Today, I was mugged by a guy in a Santa suit. FML - FML

By evil Santa - 25/12/2014 03:48 - United States - Solon

Today, I was mugged by a guy in a Santa suit. FML

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Too embarrassed to get them from a store?

The student becomes the master

Vultures

By Sam - 21/5/2009 02:17 - Canada

Today, I ordered more memory and a new hard drive for my computer. I can't remember the last time I was this excited about something. FML

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By you ripped them off ages ago - 17/8/2014 06:15 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, a few minutes after giving birth to our fourth child, my wife pulled me close and whispered, "I love you, but if you ever put me through that again I'll rip your balls off." Everyone laughed. FML

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By upyours - 22/5/2020 17:00 - Australia

Leech

Today, after telling my boss that trailing a hand up someone's leg and leering at them constantly is counted as sexual harassment, I got called an "unappreciative little whiny bitch." FML

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By whatgoesaround - 15/8/2009 18:51 - United States

Today, being a big believer in karma, I found it fitting that a girl that was always a bitch to me in high school is now fat and ugly. After sending one of her recent pictures with a mean caption to a few of my friends, I tripped and sprained my wrist falling up the stairs. Karma. FML

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By NeverGonnaHappen - 19/5/2019 12:30

Dumbest Ultimatum Ever

Today, my boyfriend told me I had to get rid of my cats, or he would leave. He punched a hole in my wall when I told him I chose the cats. FML

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By lpspann87 - 24/9/2011 21:34 - United States

Today, like every day, I walked into my office and was greeted by the smell of shit wafting through the air. My lactose intolerant, diabetic coworker won't stop eating Whataburger and milkshakes for breakfast, no matter what his body tells him. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/6/2020 23:04

Taste test

Today, I went to give my boyfriend head, and his dick tasted like condoms. I'm 5 months pregnant, we obviously don't use condoms. He got scared when I stopped and told him, then he got mad at me. FML

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By annoyed - 22/1/2015 20:23 - United States - Berkeley

Today, I was diagnosed with gonorrhea. My dad's reaction was to slowly clap at the news then giggle at his own joke. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2013 21:51 - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, my 16-year-old cousin came to visit for the week. So far, she's said "raunchy", "cray-cray", "legit", and "like" an uncountable number of times. She's only been here for a half hour. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2014 18:22 - United States - Bessemer

Today, I was at work alone with a stomach bug. For some reason, our bathroom was out of toilet paper, so I had to quickly run to the nearest store to buy more, only to shit my pants midway there. I'm pretty sure the cashier knew exactly what had happened. FML

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By obnum - 18/4/2013 14:37 - United States

Today, I met my new girlfriend at her house for the very first time. And her 17 cats, whose names all begin with the letter "K", because they're all "kewl kats." FML

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By shroomda - 29/6/2009 07:29 - United States

Today, I called my Dad to wish him happy birthday. The phone was disconnected, so I called my sister to see what his cell was. She then informed me that our Dad was in jail for selling shrooms to teenagers at a music festival out of state. FML

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By Girafarig - 31/7/2009 06:44 - United States

Today, I was talking to my guy friend on the phone. He said, "You sound depressed, I should cheer you up and give you a big hug." Jokingly, I responded, "You wouldn't hug something as gross as me." His response? "You'd be surprised." FML

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By Scarred Nephew - 10/5/2016 22:28 - United States - Allen

Today, I surprise-visited my uncle after not seeing him for 4 years because of college. When he opened the door to his house, he was wearing Crocs. Of course, that would have been completely fine if it weren't for the fact that they were the only thing he was wearing. FML

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By ugly - 11/6/2012 12:01 - Australia

Today, I was telling my best friend that I was feeling unattractive, and that I never get asked out. As she was trying to make me feel better, we were interrupted by a stranger trying to hit on her. FML

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By Alex - 8/5/2016 19:12 - United States

Today, after spending $120 to have a bouquet of flowers delivered to my mom, she called to complain that I had forgotten about her for Mother's day, but also praise my sister for apparently receiving my flowers I sent at the door and passing them off as hers. FML

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By time to put you down, gran - 1/12/2012 22:53 - United States

Today, I went to Hollister with my grandmother. She immediately started yelling about the music being too loud, and ordered the staff to "shut the damn thing off". She was yelling at a bunch of mannequins. FML

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By ManchotDesAndes - 26/2/2015 07:35 - France - Bezons

Today, my 3-year-old daughter came along, pointing a finger at me. I pretended to eat it by putting it in my mouth. She then said to me with disgust, "Why are you eating my booger?" Ah, that explains the saltiness… FML

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By Ow - 18/4/2014 11:09 - United States - Golden Valley

Today, due to my short temper, I punched myself in the nose because I wouldn't stop sneezing. FML

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By Read The Fine Print - 24/11/2012 05:55 - United States - Sylmar

Today, I got into a car accident. The guy wouldn't give me his information, but instead stood there saying, "Like a good neighbor, Statefarm is there." FML

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By WhyICantHaveNiceThings - 15/3/2018 19:00

From the bottom of my... stomach?

Today, I had the once in a lifetime opportunity to interview someone I’ve greatly admired for years and grew up watching. I was naturally nervous, but I didn’t expect to be so nervous I would throw up on him in the first 5 minutes. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2018 08:00 - United States - Floral Park

Today, I was fired from the job I've had for 15 years. My boss recently hired his daughter as a senior manager and she made several cuts because, as she put it, the sales team was "too old and lame". I didn't know being a young bitch was a requirement to work at a furniture warehouse. FML

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By Bassackward - 25/8/2016 05:53

Today, I decided to pop the question to my beloved. Perfect lighting, fresh cut roses, a fancy dinner. The restaurant was in on it too. Shame they brought out the wedding-themed congratulations dessert before I actually went down on my knee. FML

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By MWT77 - 27/7/2019 15:00 - United States - Chicago

Today, I came home from my aunt's funeral to find my basement flooded due to a sewer backup. FML

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By say what?! - 10/4/2020 08:00

Missed opportunities

Today, I got a text from a female friend saying, "So bored, come over, let's fuck.” Knowing her sense of humor, I laughed it off and sarcastically replied, "On my way!” About an hour later, I got a message from her husband asking what was taking me so long. They really wanted a threesome. FML

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By hoboman - 2/9/2009 15:12 - United States

Today, I was turned down from my dream job at a graphic design firm. Before the interview, concerned about my hobo style would not impress the company, I shaved, cut my long hair, and even bought a suit. They said I wasn't "free-spirited and creative enough." FML

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By -_- - 7/10/2015 11:29 - United States - San Francisco

Today, at a soccer game held by my girlfriend's family, some idiot went to kick the ball, missed by a mile, and hit the ground hard. So I started a slow, sarcastic clap. I got a load of angry looks, followed by verbal abuse when we found out he'd split his head open on the ground. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/3/2013 04:57 - United States - Blue Springs

Today, I held hands with the boy I like. Without thinking, I commented that his right hand is softer, as if he only used lotion on that one hand. And then we stood there in terribly awkward silence. FML

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By NeedTea - 21/12/2018 06:00 - United States

Today i stopped at Starbucks to get a tea before work and was surprised that there wasn't a line. As i was leaving the automatic door closed knocking my out of my hand. I headed back in only to discover a huge line had formed and they made me pay for the replacement that their door spilled. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2015 17:24

Today, my manager gave me hell for leaving the restaurant early yesterday. Guilty as charged, but only because I was rushed to the hospital after going into diabetic shock. This assmunch is convinced that I either faked it all to get off work early, or that I'd been eating our own stock. FML

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By Cait - 30/1/2017 20:00 - Canada - Olds

Today, my friend figured out that if you poke my neck I scratch like a dog. She has yet to cease doing it. FML

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By fleur_de_fevrier - 21/12/2008 15:36 - Ireland

Today, I finally decided to go Christmas shopping. It's only once I arrived that I realized that I had forgotten my wallet. FML

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By davetherave1983 - 9/9/2015 05:09 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, after carefully, and might I say, expertly removing all the hair from my girlfriend's genitals, she decided to try and "Nair" my balls. 24 hours later and I still can't walk properly and my balls look like they were involved in a severe kitchen incident. FML

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By where do they come from - 1/7/2014 04:26 - United States - Bellingham

Today, I had to explain what "cashback" was to a customer. She called me a liar and wanted to talk to a manager because she felt I made up the concept. I'm the manager. She wouldn't believe me and waited in the store for an hour. Apparently this is what a Masters degree gets me. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2014 22:06 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, at my mother's open-casket funeral, my sister-in-law went to pay her respects. As she stood in front of the body, she coughed, muttering "bitch" in the process. Either nobody else noticed or nobody cared, and she went on her way, noticeably not choked up at all. FML

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By photomark - 13/12/2011 06:32 - United States

Today, I saw a quarter in my poop. My friends say I do stupid things when I get drunk. Apparently, eating change is one of them. FML

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By minnie - 23/10/2019 04:00 - Australia

How would that work?

Today, my fiancée suggested a 'Back To The Future' - themed wedding. FML

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By apple - 28/2/2010 18:57 - United States

Today, I had to clean out my room because I was having a sleepover. Only, I've not been in here for months since I've spent every night in my mom's room because I'm too scared to sleep alone. FML

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By cheaters_should_die - 18/12/2009 14:31 - United States

Today, I looked at my house in Google Street View for the first time and noticed an unfamiliar vehicle in the driveway. When I asked my wife about it, she admitted to have an ongoing affair. Apparently the entire world knew my wife was having an affair before I did. FML

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By Nastiaa - 15/2/2009 15:49 - Estonia

Today, I was a host during kids' event. I did my job and started to do some funny moves to entertain the kids. I was wearing a top with a really low cut. Then noticed that all the children were pointing at me happily and adults looked surprised. Then I noticed that both my boobs had popped out. FML

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Top comments

By Dunmerdude | 13

#6153889 - Thursday 25 December 2014 18:48

That sounds ho-ho-horrible!

By Welshite | 39

#6153894 - Thursday 25 December 2014 18:48

Santa needs funds for next year's toys.

COMMENTS

By Dunmerdude | 13

#6153889 - Thursday 25 December 2014 18:48

That sounds ho-ho-horrible!

Reply

quickit | 24

#6153943 - Thursday 25 December 2014 19:12

OP was probably on the naughty list.

Reply

krazayman | 18

#6155365 - Saturday 27 December 2014 8:12

that maybe what santa does to make money to give back to other people

By pam241 | 15

#6153891 - Thursday 25 December 2014 18:48

At least he had the Christmas spirit!

Reply

tonyfan00 | 38

#6154425 - Friday 26 December 2014 6:29

*slurred* I'm drunk! You dunt havven an excuse...

By Welshite | 39

#6153894 - Thursday 25 December 2014 18:48

Santa needs funds for next year's toys.

Reply

Duckzy | 16

#6153916 - Thursday 25 December 2014 18:53

Santa has to get money somehow

Reply

lnheritance | 19

#6153933 - Thursday 25 December 2014 19:05

Economy so bad, has to find another way to get toys.

Reply

MrSassypants | 32

#6153982 - Thursday 25 December 2014 19:48

So that's why Santa stole my presents instead of leaving some. He was probably stealing them to give to the less fortunate. What a nice guy. He was even wearing an all black suit. Bold fashion statement.

Reply

Guatican | 6

#6154698 - Friday 26 December 2014 18:27

Good Guy Santa,

By asiakvt | 10

#6153895 - Thursday 25 December 2014 18:48

His special way of saying Merry Christmas :)

By Silk_Routes | 14

#6153901 - Thursday 25 December 2014 18:50

u must hav enjoyed!

By hobojo69 | 23

#6153902 - Thursday 25 December 2014 18:50

Times are tough even for Santa I guess

By Wolfparable | 22

#6153904 - Thursday 25 December 2014 18:50

Clearly you weren't a good enough boy this year

Reply

tonyfan00 | 38

#6154427 - Friday 26 December 2014 6:30

Did he get beaten with a stocking full of coal? :D

By CallMeWindSock | 24

#6153906 - Thursday 25 December 2014 18:50

Joy to the world

By aruden | 25

#6153907 - Thursday 25 December 2014 18:50

Should have hit him in his Santa sack.

By BigFun76 | 12

#6153926 - Thursday 25 December 2014 18:59

As long as He checked his list twice I'm ok with this.