Today, I saw a grasshopper in the urinal so I decided to pee... - FML

By TheMichaelNixon - United States

Today, I saw a grasshopper in the urinal so I decided to pee on it. It jumped out, scared the hell out of me, and I peed all over myself. FML

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Messed up

Intense

Near the knuckle

By damn... - United Kingdom

Today, I was at a job conference. At lunch, I saw this stunning guy. At dessert time, I coughed so much that the piece of chocolate cake in my mouth went straight onto his glasses. I think it's too late to introduce myself now. FML

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By heyhijello - United States - Oakland

Today, at my boyfriend's brother's house, I desperately needed to poop. After finishing my business, I realized the toilet wouldn't flush. I had to pull my poop out, wrap it in TP and make an excuse to go outside to throw it in a bush. The neighbor was watching. FML

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By blawbo - United States

Today, I went to McDonald's for lunch and ordered a salad. The man behind the counter looked at me and said "Well, at least you're trying." FML

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By samantha711 - United States

Today, I found out that I didn't get a job because I failed the psychological analysis. It told me to answer each question and tell the truth. So I did. I ask my friend, who got the job, if she told the truth. She said no. Apparently you have to lie in order to get a job. Sorry for being honest. FML

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By Sky

Today, it's the 6th day that we have been snowed in. We haven't left the house, because we can't. I've done at least 30 hours of Legos. FML

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By SensitiveTech

Today, I was loving on a dog at work. I noticed her fur was coarse and short and I'd never felt anything like it before. I broke out in hives all over my face. This happens whenever I'm around any cats, guinea pigs, or rabbits and now some dogs apparently. I'm in school to be a vet tech. FML

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By onemoredonut - United States - Herndon

Today, while directing traffic in uniform, I tripped over a traffic cone and fell straight on my butt in the middle of a busy intersection. FML

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By mus

Today, while walking to my bus stop, I saw a girl slip on black ice, then catch herself, and I laughed because people catching themselves slip are hilarious. I reach the same patch of black ice and go flying, falling on my hip and spilling my coffee all over me. FML

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By asthmattack - Australia - Mona Vale

Today, I was suffering from an asthma attack, so I grabbed my inhaler and took a puff. This was probably very disturbing for the earwig which had somehow made my puffer its home, as I discovered when it shot into my mouth. FML

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By Noname - Canada

Today, I walked downstairs in a new outfit, after dieting for 3 months, and losing just over 20 pounds. My mom took one look at me and said "You'd better keep going." FML

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By Anonymous - 22/4/2020 14:03

Almost there

Today, I discovered that my contract start date is exactly 2 days outside of the furlough date. Meaning instead of taking 80% of my salary, I'm only getting 40% (thanks to the company). This would be fine if I hadn't just moved countries to get this job. FML

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By Electric Eddy

Today, I got up at 2:30 a.m. to catch an early flight home. I was tired and drowsy and took a quick shower to wake me up. Two minutes in, the water turned scalding hot on all settings. I ended up having to rinse my hair with bottles of sparkling water from the hotel minibar. FML

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By Loveless

Today, I discovered my girlfriend's secret blog, where all she does is vent about how much she cheats on me and hates me, but will never leave me because she can’t afford to. Her followers love and support these actions. FML

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By elfy2

Today, while riding the bus to a really important job interview the child sitting next to me threw up in my lap. His mother then told him to wipe his mouth. He used my sleeve. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was casually shopping at Walmart. Everything was normal until the young guy browsing the aisle next to me suddenly approached me and whispered "sperm" into my ear. My spine has never experienced a chill like this one before. FML

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By ven980 - United States

Today, I had to blow up an air mattress using only my lungs. After nearly passing out from lack of oxygen, I realized there was a hole in it. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2020 14:02 - United States - Fredericksburg

Stalker vibes

Today, I had a surprise visitor at my place. A guy I was talking to a few months back. He said he was down my way getting gas and thought he’d stop by. He lives more than 45 minutes from my place, in the opposite direction, with about 20 gas stations between us. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in the elevator with my new boss. He asked things like "How are you?" "How's your day going?" and "What's for dinner?" I answered everything and tried to make small talk. I then noticed that he was wearing a bluetooth and was talking to someone else. FML

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By ForeverLost - 26/3/2020 20:21

Together, forever

Today, my wife asked me for a divorce, shortly after I found out she's been having an affair. Then our county placed us on quarantine for Covid-19. Now I'm stuck living with her until it goes away. FML

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By Anon O'Mous - United States

Today, I was taking a shower at the gym when hearing a loud popping noise. Surprised and startled, I jumped and slipped, hitting my head against the shower wall that left a small gash. The pop noise was just someone blowing bubbles from their gum. FML

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By roark0806 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend to a Bo Bice concert for her birthday. She loves him so I bought us second row seats. After we got there we ran into some friends of hers sitting way back in the lawn section, and of course she wanted to sit with them. I paid $300 to sit on the grass and watch Bo Bice. FML

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By klutz44 - United States - Winnetka

Today, I took my 2 year old to the potty in a public restroom. I was just about to set her on the toilet when the automatic flush went off, scaring her and causing her to pee all over both of us. FML

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By clop clop clopping all the way - United States

Today, a guy's car broke down in my street, so I helped him push it into my driveway, checked his car out, and gave it a jump start. He thanked me, then as he went to pull out, he instead smashed straight into my car. FML

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By HumanNature - Canada

Today, I was waiting after work in a parking lot for my ride and was dancing a little to keep warm. Next thing I know the cops pull up to me and said that someone called in to report someone dancing in an empty parking lot. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my dad made me figure out how to disable the adult content filters on our internet. He spent what must have been a full 10 minutes on a distracting, long-winded speech about how he doesn't want to look up porn, but "it's just the principle of the damn thing". Sure, dad. Sure. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, someone thought it would be funny to switch the signs on the bathroom doors. Fortunately, I knew which was the men's and went on in. The startled old woman inside, however, did not. FML

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By grossedout - Reserved

Today, at work, I met a new client for the first time. Apparently he thought it would be a good idea to get drunk beforehand and spend the whole appointment telling me about his 9 inch "drill bit." I have to try and find this guy a job. FML

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By Anonymous

Quality time

Today, I'm finally visiting my long-distance boyfriend in his home country. He has a vomit-inducing migraine, and the traditional food he fed me triggered the worst kidney attack I've had in years. We're both lying on the couch writhing in pain. Yay, quality time together. FML

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By kelsjenks - Canada

Today, some ballbag broke into my house just to take my broom. FML

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By Anonymous - Portugal

Today, my demented little sister walked up to me and kicked me between the legs. I told my parents, but they just accusingly asked me what I did to provoke her. When I said "nothing", they accused me of lying. There is no justice. FML

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By McMuffin

Today, my 3-year-old daughter ran with arms wide open towards me, smiling, only to pass me by and hug the gardener instead. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I fractured two ribs from coughing. My doctor told me to stop coughing, or I would fracture them more. I have bronchitis. FML

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By theshad - Reserved

Today, I was in a meeting with my boss and superiors as well as our clients. About two hours in I started playing with the lid of the pen I was using, next thing I saw was the lid flicking up and hitting my boss square in the middle of the head. FML

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By Sonotsuave - United States - Arlington

Today, my now ex-friend told me she had feelings for my ex and was also choosing him over our friendship, despite being fully aware of the crazy rollercoaster our relationship was and being there to hear every detail of the trauma. She classily told me at random, in a public mall. People suck. FML

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By Diblo - 28/11/2019 04:00 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Diblo's story

Today, I was in a middle school for work experience. One of the teachers was reading the class I was in a story about a man called Diblo. Innocent enough, right? Nope. He repeatedly misread it as Dildo for the entire passage. The kids laughed. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was getting ready for a date when I noticed a spot on my chin. To get rid of it, I applied my sister's spot cream rather than picking it off. Within minutes, my entire chin looked like a swollen tomato. FML

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By damaged - United States - La Verne

Today, I drove in heavy rain for the first time, by myself. I had been told to drive below the speed limit, and be extra careful of the cars around me. Nobody had told me about thunder scaring a cow that would then escape from the corral and hit my car. FML

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By snow

Today, I woke up with a massive hangover after passing out at a wild party the night before. Apparently my friends couldn't find a marker, because I woke up with dozens of dicks drawn on my body and face in henna. I have a job interview today. FML

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By poopiemanlol - Canada

Today, I realized that you should never teach your 6 year old child how to use the microwave, unless you want to be cleaning melted pet fish for about half an hour. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was docked and fined in my dorm building because of multiple noise complaints. What was I doing that was so noisy? I slipped in the shower and banged my head against the floor. Then when I reached for the towel rack to pull myself up, it broke and I slammed my wrist onto the ground. FML

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Top comments

By Tequilamockngbrd | 7

#672075 - Sunday 15 November 2009 2:42

I'm not sure what's more stupid: wanting to pee on a grasshopper, or expecting it to wait in one spot while you peed on it. Silly.

By Luckster | 0

#672092 - Sunday 15 November 2009 2:49

That Grasshopper waited all day to do that to you! You know that, right?

COMMENTS

By Tequilamockngbrd | 7

#672075 - Sunday 15 November 2009 2:42

I'm not sure what's more stupid: wanting to pee on a grasshopper, or expecting it to wait in one spot while you peed on it. Silly.

Reply

DameGreyWulf | 0

#672258 - Sunday 15 November 2009 3:47

I think I must agree, but 1 has a point....
[edit] wtf, I replied to a comment down below about "If I was a guy, I'd do the same"

Well, 1, you have a point.

Reply

omghehehe | 0

#672297 - Sunday 15 November 2009 4:05

Really! :D I replied to #1 and it's missing. Also, his/her response changed too :D

Anyway, I agree with #1 :) Yes, silly.

Reply

your_mother | 0

#672796 - Sunday 15 November 2009 15:36

Karma's a bitch.

Reply

Edumacated | 0

#672809 - Sunday 15 November 2009 15:48

I take it you're not a guy =).

Reply

mwz777 | 0

#969593 - Sunday 28 March 2010 3:03

haha ya but I wouldve done the same thing

Reply

dont_stop_believ | 0

#1010070 - Friday 28 May 2010 7:34

if you didn't want ur pee on u y wud the grasshopper want ur pee?! haha loserr

Reply

Rejectofsociety9 | 0

#1028253 - Friday 11 June 2010 23:45

...and you didn't see this coming, OP?

Reply

xJC77x | 0

#1165682 - Saturday 31 July 2010 9:37

I woulda done the same thing lol

By bom_bom | 0

#672083 - Sunday 15 November 2009 2:45

omg...LOL...i added it to my favs...i almost peed myself after i read that..
kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk(second comment)

Reply

Captain_Obvious2_fml | 6

#2627519 - Monday 6 June 2011 3:50

if youre gonna pee, you better find a nice urimal with a grasshopper in it...

By ilovemenn | 0

#672085 - Sunday 15 November 2009 2:46

AHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!

Reply

swimdiva | 0

#672344 - Sunday 15 November 2009 4:23

isn't**

By SykoOne | 0

#672089 - Sunday 15 November 2009 2:48

LMFAOOO !!!
OMG YO , if i was a guy , i would TOTTALLLY do the exact SAME thing ! :)

Reply

Basiil | 0

#1754255 - Friday 26 November 2010 12:09

Why can't girls do that? :/

Reply

KyRidHEART | 0

#2005064 - Tuesday 25 January 2011 4:48

Cuz we have this think called a VAGINA.

Reply

MicMic_fml | 7

#2972231 - Monday 25 July 2011 15:27

116 - is that thing edible?

By Luckster | 0

#672092 - Sunday 15 November 2009 2:49

That Grasshopper waited all day to do that to you! You know that, right?

By LeeIsAwesome | 0

#672096 - Sunday 15 November 2009 2:51

YDI for peeing on it.

Reply

iheartjustinsane | 0

#672345 - Sunday 15 November 2009 4:23

Exactly.

By dabeachbum | 0

#672112 - Sunday 15 November 2009 2:58

if i was a guy id do the same thing hahaha

By lenasaur | 0

#672127 - Sunday 15 November 2009 3:05

Thats what you get. How would you like it if someone peed on you?

Reply

mutantcow | 0

#672164 - Sunday 15 November 2009 3:17

you clever, clever person. (:

Reply

Captain_Obvious2_fml | 6

#2627528 - Monday 6 June 2011 3:52

kinky...

Reply

Honda288 | 2

#4113047 - Friday 2 March 2012 5:13

Ask Steve Stifler.

By CheapoBilo | 0

#672132 - Sunday 15 November 2009 3:06

Ydi for not shitting on It instead.

Reply

juicy_extasy | 25

#672813 - Sunday 15 November 2009 16:01

LOL OMG!
Weigh it down?! You're so evil!

Reply

cactusbutt | 0

#800213 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 17:04

oh, lol! x)

Reply

CrazyV | 22

#3598053 - Thursday 17 November 2011 23:00

hahaha good one

By DeadMansCrack | 4

#672136 - Sunday 15 November 2009 3:07

LOL I would say YDI, but it sounds like something I would do.