Animals: Today, I saw a grasshopper in the urinal so I decided to pee... - FML

14/11/2009 21:37 - United States

Today, I saw a grasshopper in the urinal so I decided to pee on it. It jumped out, scared the hell out of me, and I peed all over myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 785

You deserved it 75 332

Walk on the wild side

Sketchy dude

She definitely heard

06/06/2013 23:37 - United States

Today, at my new job at a funeral home, my boss threatened to fire me if I didn't "lighten the hell up" while dealing with our grieving clients. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 817

You deserved it 4 732

06/01/2014 23:00 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, my dog found out how to turn my Xbox off. So whenever he wants attention, guess what he does. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 107

You deserved it 19 207

Slasher

By Anonymous - 09/09/2013 17:44 - United States - Sylvania

Today, my mom bumped into a table with a glass vase on it. Seeing that the vase was about to fall, I lunged to catch it. Before I got there, the vase fell and shattered, resulting in me diving into the broken shards. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 860

You deserved it 5 919

04/11/2016 01:44

Today, thanks to downsizing and corporate restructuring, I was "promoted" to the entry level position I had 10 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 293

You deserved it 655

24/01/2010 06:03 - United States

Today, I was at the store when I ran into an old friend from high school. He didn't recognize me at first, but when I told him who I was, he instantly shouted "Oh! Yeah! The fat chick from Mr. H's class!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 520

You deserved it 4 332

Wokescolds gonna wokescold

By Anonymous - 18/09/2021 11:00

Today, I was accused of digital black face and cultural appropriating my own culture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 728

You deserved it 63

29/09/2015 02:01 - United States

Today, while showering, I broke the cap off the shampoo. Not my shampoo, my roommate's. The $60 shampoo I swore I wouldn't touch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 295

You deserved it 34 596

02/09/2009 05:56 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I noticed my wife makes more satisfied groans when she's taking a big dump than she does when we make love. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 073

You deserved it 7 048

17/07/2012 15:32 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was using a penis pump for the first time. It was awesome until it sucked my left testicle into the tube. I'll be singing soprano for a while now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 202

You deserved it 43 824

Leave me alone !

By failfailfail - 30/09/2009 13:36 - United Kingdom

Today, I had a big exam. Twenty minutes in I could feel people turning round looking at me. I ignored them at first, but towards the one hour mark it got more distracting. I stood up and yelled, "Why's everyone staring at me!" I got kicked out. Turns out I was seated directly in front of the clock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 999

You deserved it 51 439

22/04/2011 01:53 - United States

Today, in order to avoid seeing my ex-girlfriend in class, I changed my schedule for "personal reasons." Apparently she had the same idea and changed her schedule as well. We now have all the same classes together. Before, we had just two. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 300

You deserved it 9 743

07/03/2011 07:28 - Malaysia

Spicy

Today, I discovered that sea-sickness also applies when making love on my girlfriend's new water bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 370

You deserved it 6 053

25/06/2016 19:21 - United States

Spicy

Today, I caught my soon to be husband screwing our wedding planner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 471

You deserved it 1 434

Dad of the year

By hispanicsmyass - 26/10/2020 16:59 - United States - Cleveland

Today, my ex thinks he's such a good parent that he is arguing about making up parenting time. Yet our court agreement says he's to be responsible for doctor's appointments, carry health insurance for our child, and life insurance. Plus pay child support. None of which he has followed through on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 063

You deserved it 134

It's the thought that counts…

By Charlatan126 - 03/02/2021 05:00 - United States - Hilliard

Today, I finally had a man say, "I love you" to me in a sincere tone. It was a customer, who was high, over the phone. I said it back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 785

You deserved it 126

03/10/2018 03:00

Spicy

Today, I was fooling around with my new girlfriend. I guess she'd never been with an uncircumcised man before, because before I knew it I had a frenulum tear and had to go to the ER. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 787

You deserved it 600

12/08/2009 12:57 - Singapore

Today, while studying in the middle of the night, my dad came home drunk. I helped him to the sofa and after clearing up his mess, he started going on about how useless my sister Vanessa was, and how good a daughter I am. I am Vanessa. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 160

You deserved it 3 123

13/02/2010 18:39 - United Kingdom

Today, I got back from my daughter's flat in Scotland. I got a flight there yesterday morning to surprise her on her 21st birthday. Nobody told her I was coming. When I got there, it turned out she decided to get a plane to London to surprise me. £200 on flights, and I didn't even get to see her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 932

You deserved it 4 929

24/07/2012 02:08 - United States

Today, I saw a news story about how wearing flip-flops is dangerous. I scoffed at the ridiculous study and went about my business. Three hours later I accidentally ripped off my toenail. While wearing flip-flops. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 984

You deserved it 22 819

20/12/2010 00:31 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I didn't attend her dog's funeral, and was therefore an insensitive bastard. I couldn't attend because my mum has cancer and I was driving her to a hospital appointment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 967

You deserved it 3 359

21/01/2018 06:00

Spicy

Today, my dad walked in on me jerking off. It wouldn’t have been so bad if I wasn’t Skyping my boyfriend, while both of us were totally naked. I had just told him to “put those toes in your mouth and I’ll cum like you’ve never seen before”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 783

You deserved it 4 602

Weird

By not the scalpel - 15/09/2012 07:36 - United States - Paso Robles

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend called out the word "scalpel" when he orgasmed. He won't tell me why. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 516

You deserved it 3 068

17/01/2015 22:24 - United Kingdom - Mirfield

Today, I took my driving test. I was really nervous, but I thought I did pretty well in the end. That is until I parked the car and looked to the examiner. He was visibly shaken. He said I'd passed, quickly filled in the paperwork and left. On the downside, my car still smells of his shart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 532

You deserved it 3 701

Dating is hell

By Anonymous - 13/07/2014 18:34 - United Kingdom - Rugby

Today, I had my third date with a lovely guy. After I got home, I figured I'd try to see if I could find his Facebook profile. I did. His pictures were nice; lovely wedding photos for sure, and his newborn baby is adorable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 386

You deserved it 5 186

09/04/2009 02:35 - United States

Today, on the train, I got excited when I suddenly noticed I had a missed call and voicemail from a boy I liked. With a grin on my face, I told my friend. My dad overheard and said, "oh sweetie, he probably had the wrong number." The voicemail was blank. I texted him. The call was an accident. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 456

You deserved it 4 412

No sleep til Brooklyn

By blahblah - 24/05/2010 04:14 - United States

Today, finally we got our toddler daughter to sleep in her own bed. The wife and I were both excited to finally have our room to ourselves. Just as our daughter was about to fall asleep, the damn cat went into her room and loudly hacked up a huge hairball. Now she's back in mommy's and daddy's bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 243

You deserved it 7 021

Alcoholics of the world, get help

By Anonymous - 28/01/2021 02:01

Spicy

Today, I know my life is awesome when my partner and I have to plan watching movies and having sex around his drinking schedule. FML

I agree, your life sucks 805

You deserved it 192

What the Duck?

By duckyou - 02/04/2018 01:30

Today, on the way to class, I got distracted while watching some ducks and walked face- first into a concrete pole. I ended up with a black eye and three stitches. Even the nurse laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 588

You deserved it 1 324

That's rank

By Anonymous - 12/05/2021 06:01 - Germany - Emden

Today, I took a piece of toilet paper to blow my nose and had a surprise: someone in our house seems to not have understood how TP works. In this case, the principle that it shouldn't stay on the roll once there is poo on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 980

You deserved it 79

19/08/2015 05:15 - United States - Mineola

Today, my boyfriend is so ashamed of me that when someone asked how far along my pregnancy is, he quickly replied "5 months now!" instead of telling them I'm not actually pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 279

You deserved it 11 474

12/03/2009 00:30 - United States

Spicy

Today, I fell asleep in the car on a 10+ hour trip with my family as soon as we got on the highway. When I woke up an hour later, I realized I'd had a wet dream. I had to sit next to my grandma with semen all over my thighs and boxers for the rest of the trip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 79 939

You deserved it 11 862

20/09/2012 04:14 - United States

Today, I went to my dentist of four years. After the cleaning, the hygienist and I scheduled my next appointment, and she briefly left the room, leaving my file open on the computer. The data in a field called "NOTE" caught my eye: "Sissy. Freak. Always late. Ask about family or will flirt." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 391

You deserved it 28 928

29/05/2010 05:28 - Australia

Today, I had a weird dream I woke up on the bathroom floor at my local gym. Turns out it wasn't a dream, and I passed out from "overworking myself". I was on the treadmill for under 5 minutes, walking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 030

You deserved it 14 557

Targeted

By Anonymous - 08/09/2020 10:01 - Croatia - Zagreb

Today, the neighbor's dog has been barking for over 5 hours. It is barking directly at my window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 248

You deserved it 88

21/08/2010 04:05 - Canada

Today, my dad decided to take me to play golf to relieve the stress of recovering from a bad concussion. While teaching me to swing, he hit me in the head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 223

You deserved it 3 226

17/11/2009 20:05 - United States

Today, I was at home with slight constipation, so I took two laxatives. That's when my boyfriend called me, saying his parents are in town and want to have dinner tonight, this being the first time I've met them. I've already been on the toilet five times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 471

You deserved it 5 905

Quickie

By HolyyMolyy - 11/07/2016 10:24

Today, I was ecstatic to have received a friend request from my crush of grade 4 after 11 years. He's grown up to be such a hottie. I quickly accepted his request, he messaged me and we ended up chatting for hours. Later, when I messaged him, he called me clingy and unfriended me from Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 601

You deserved it 1 993

26/07/2009 04:28 - United States

Today, I found out that my husband made a replica of our family on The Sims 3. I also found out he killed me off a couple weeks ago and made a new wife, KiKi. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 535

You deserved it 5 978

30/12/2008 11:16 - France

Today, after going to college for 5 years to become an architect I discover my plumber makes more than I do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 274

You deserved it 3 744

05/01/2013 00:31 - Ireland - Carlow

Today, I had to beg my husband not to shave his pubic hair into a handlebar moustache. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 053

You deserved it 4 257

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Top comments

Tequilamockngbrd 7

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Sunday 15 November 2009 2:42

I'm not sure what's more stupid: wanting to pee on a grasshopper, or expecting it to wait in one spot while you peed on it. Silly.

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Sunday 15 November 2009 2:49

That Grasshopper waited all day to do that to you! You know that, right?

Comments

Tequilamockngbrd 7

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Sunday 15 November 2009 2:42

I'm not sure what's more stupid: wanting to pee on a grasshopper, or expecting it to wait in one spot while you peed on it. Silly.

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Sunday 15 November 2009 3:47

I think I must agree, but 1 has a point.... [edit] wtf, I replied to a comment down below about "If I was a guy, I'd do the same" Well, 1, you have a point.

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Sunday 15 November 2009 4:05

Really! :D I replied to #1 and it's missing. Also, his/her response changed too :D Anyway, I agree with #1 :) Yes, silly.

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Sunday 15 November 2009 15:36

Karma's a bitch.

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Sunday 15 November 2009 15:48

I take it you're not a guy =).

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Sunday 28 March 2010 3:03

haha ya but I wouldve done the same thing

dont_stop_believ 0

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Friday 28 May 2010 7:34

if you didn't want ur pee on u y wud the grasshopper want ur pee?! haha loserr

Rejectofsociety9 0

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Friday 11 June 2010 23:45

...and you didn't see this coming, OP?

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Saturday 31 July 2010 9:37

I woulda done the same thing lol

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Sunday 15 November 2009 2:45

omg...LOL...i added it to my favs...i almost peed myself after i read that.. kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk(second comment)

Captain_Obvious2_fml 6

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Monday 6 June 2011 3:50

if youre gonna pee, you better find a nice urimal with a grasshopper in it...

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Sunday 15 November 2009 2:46

AHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!

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Sunday 15 November 2009 4:23

isn't**

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Sunday 15 November 2009 2:48

LMFAOOO !!! OMG YO , if i was a guy , i would TOTTALLLY do the exact SAME thing ! :)

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Friday 26 November 2010 12:09

Why can't girls do that? :/

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Tuesday 25 January 2011 4:48

Cuz we have this think called a VAGINA.

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Monday 25 July 2011 15:27

116 - is that thing edible?

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Sunday 15 November 2009 2:49

That Grasshopper waited all day to do that to you! You know that, right?

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Sunday 15 November 2009 2:51

YDI for peeing on it.

iheartjustinsane 0

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Sunday 15 November 2009 4:23

Exactly.

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Sunday 15 November 2009 2:58

if i was a guy id do the same thing hahaha

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Sunday 15 November 2009 3:05

Thats what you get. How would you like it if someone peed on you?

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Sunday 15 November 2009 3:17

you clever, clever person. (:

Captain_Obvious2_fml 6

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Monday 6 June 2011 3:52

kinky...

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Friday 2 March 2012 5:13

Ask Steve Stifler.

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Sunday 15 November 2009 3:06

Ydi for not shitting on It instead.

juicy_extasy 25

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Sunday 15 November 2009 16:01

LOL OMG! Weigh it down?! You're so evil!

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Tuesday 26 January 2010 17:04

oh, lol! x)

CrazyV 22

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Thursday 17 November 2011 23:00

hahaha good one

DeadMansCrack 4

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Sunday 15 November 2009 3:07

LOL I would say YDI, but it sounds like something I would do.

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53

You deserved it 6

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 115

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend came out as a polyamorous, and then immediately asked me if he could date another guy I thought was my friend. I’m such a pushover, I said yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 115

You deserved it 379

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 612

You deserved it 69