Today, I saw a grasshopper in the urinal so I decided to pee... - FML

By TheMichaelNixon - 14/11/2009 21:37 - United States

Today, I saw a grasshopper in the urinal so I decided to pee on it. It jumped out, scared the hell out of me, and I peed all over myself. FML

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The student becomes the master

Tidy your room

Hello everyone!

By SteamLass765 - 13/8/2015 09:58

Today, a woman drove her car onto my closed worksite. Since it is hazardous for the general public, I told her to leave. Later, the police arrived and gave me hell. Apparently, I was reported for being "snippy". FML

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By hatemebeforetheyevenhatch - 24/2/2015 00:08 - United Kingdom - Clydebank

Today, I ordered Chinese and told them I was allergic to eggs. I took a bite and I found some egg, quickly spat it out and took my antihistamines. When I returned with it and complained about my potential demise, they gave me a free orange to apologise. I'm allergic to oranges. FML

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By twat - 23/1/2009 06:41 - United Kingdom

Today, I decided to give things a go with the guy that has fancied me for three years, based purely on my looks. After getting to know my personality he has decided he no longer fancies me at all. FML

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By estranger - 3/1/2014 22:36 - United States

Today, while visiting my grandparents, my grandpa decided to explain to me the real reason that the old sofa I was sitting on had always been so discolored. He says they were bleach stains left while cleaning up the mess made during my father's conception. FML

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By Look's like she's paying all of it now. - 6/6/2017 02:00

Today, I got into a very intense fight with my roommate about rent payment. She got so angry that she snatched my purse, walked out into the hallway and threw it down the garbage chute. Along with my money, my driver's licence, my credit cards and my monthly pay check was in that purse. FML

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By Asshole Parker - 6/9/2016 11:01 - United States

Today, I went to work early and saw my crush's car in the parking lot, so I parked next to her. After that, I looked over at her car to see her staring at me with a weird look and her saying, "Really?" Then she gestured around the lot; I looked around to find it completely empty. FML

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By caitiexob - 20/2/2009 18:42 - United States

Today, I found a note in my locker from a really hot guy asking me to prom. I went up to him saying how excited I was to go. He said "Oh you got the note?" and slipped it into the locker next to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2013 04:57 - United States - Santa Barbara

Today, my husband wanted me to "spice up" our sex life. I guess he didn't count on me vomiting when he came in my mouth. We won't be getting intimate again for a long, long time now. FML

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By AkaiKitsune - 29/6/2017 04:00

Today, I went to explore a beach that was rumoured to have big crabs on it instead of the usual small tide pool crabs. I found out that the rumours were true went I went to flip over a rock, which was in fact not a rock. I now have to explain to a doctor how I ended up needing stitches again. FML

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By calliefml - 26/4/2009 06:13 - United States

Today, I walked into my dorm to find my roommate hanging a voodoo doll of me on a noose. FML

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By AlienZ - 12/4/2009 02:44 - United States

Today, my parents asked if I wanted to go to military school so I said, "Yeah, that would be awesome," thinking it was a joke. They weren't joking. FML

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By Stress - 24/2/2010 00:56 - United States

Today, I was feeling really stressed so I bought some nice stress relieving lotion. When I got home, I took it out of the bag and accidentally dropped it (not realizing it was made of glass). The bottle shattered into pieces and I even cut my finger on one piece. So much for relieving stress. FML

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By roadkill0321 - 7/11/2011 07:20 - United States

Today, my recently ex-girlfriend's mother called me regarding her baby girl, saying, "If you mess with the chicklet, you mess with the momma hen." I have no idea what the hell this means for my future, but I'm a bit scared. FML

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By gingerninja - 2/11/2010 17:43 - United Kingdom

Today, our class was focusing on discrimination, and our teacher asked us if anyone had ever felt discriminated against. I put my hand up to share a story, and my teacher immediately said "It's because you're ginger, isn't it?" That's not what I was going to say. FML

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By no boobies - 29/5/2013 16:39 - United States

Today, while shopping for dresses, I found a really cute one that fit me really well, but not at all in the breast area. My grandma screamed "buy her some titties!" Everyone in the store looked at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2017 22:00

Today, while working as a line cook, one of the servers sincerely asked me, "What sauce goes on a chicken bacon ranch sandwich?" I replied, a little incredulously I'll admit, "…Ranch." She then totally lost her cool and went full-blown adult temper tantrum because I was, "mean to her." FML

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By Noname - 13/3/2009 20:03 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were choosing animals that reminded us of eachother. I said he reminded me of a tiger because he is really muscular. He told me I reminded him of a zebra. When I asked him why, he said it was because of my stretchmarks. FML

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By Noname - 16/3/2009 20:41 - United States

Today, I was out on a date with a guy. His hot co-worker came to have a beer with us, and I knew my best friend would think he was gorgeous. I wanted to take a picture of him without knowing, so i tried to hold up my phone and pretend to be texting. The flash went off. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2018 15:00

Understandable.

Today, I found out that the dream in which I drunkenly phoned my boss and called him a "fat useless piece of shit" actually did happen. I woke up to 10 missed calls and 5 angry texts stating I was fired. FML

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By - 4/1/2020 18:00

The best method!

Today, while discussing having sex for the first time with my boyfriend, I asked what method of birth control we should use. He replied, "Anal." FML

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By Getmeoutofhere - 10/8/2017 17:15 - Australia

At least it wasn't rotting coconut?

Today, I was masturbating when my dad came into my room to say goodnight. He leaned down over my bed, paused, and said "What's that smell? It's like... oh." His face dropped and he left the room. I don't think he'll ever see me the same way again. FML

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By whut - 23/12/2014 20:58 - United States

Today, for my Christmas bonus at work, I got a potted plant and some lotion. FML

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By afraidtoburn - 26/2/2012 04:18 - Canada

Today, I discovered that during fire drills, my school lines everyone up next to some extremely flammable and explosive propane tanks. If we ever have a real fire, we will all die. FML

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By oldmama728 - 28/4/2011 11:07

Today, I once again told my son he needed a job and a girlfriend because I simply could not keep him in my house anymore. He yelled, "No, I can do whatever I want!" Then went back to playing video games. He's 38. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2020 14:11

Free healthcare for all

Today, I had to attend an appointment and was told I should be prepared to be in hospital all day, so I booked a day off work. The appointment was trivial and lasted 10 minutes. I work paycheque to paycheque to feed myself and 2 kids, and even missing one day will hurt by the end of the month. FML

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By dwellswithin - 20/7/2009 22:00 - United States

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend in town. We broke up a year ago because he "moved" to Florida. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/3/2013 16:59 - Germany - Dortmund

Today, my girlfriend and I were going to get intimate, so I masturbated before leaving my place, hoping it would help me last longer than usual. 10 minutes in, she shoved me off and started screaming at me, convinced that I've been cheating on her and practising with someone else. FML

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By markyvilla - 15/4/2011 01:09 - United States

Today, I got dressed up for the first time in days to go have sushi with a friend. When I walked out to my car, I noticed that the passenger window was shattered and the car robbed. What's worse is I'd forgotten to lock the side doors anyway. FML

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By maybe dead in a day - 20/1/2013 19:28 - United States - Buffalo

Today, my boyfriend of three days met up with me at the movie theater, sporting a crude tattoo of my face on his cheek, along with a love heart and the word "forever." Looks like I'm single again. FML

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By loving wife - 21/4/2013 10:20 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I had to convince my husband that I'm not having an affair all because I refused to have sex with him. Apparently the fact that I gave birth to our twins 10 days ago isn't a good enough reason to turn him down. FML

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By Lithiac - 4/2/2014 06:16 - United States - Ocala

Today, at the grocery store, an elderly woman asked for help with some tea. I lent her a hand, spending a good twenty minutes reading different labels out loud until she found one she liked. After she was done, she handed me a pamphlet and said, "You're a nice girl. I hope you don't go to hell." FML

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By mandosfriend - 23/10/2016 17:15 - United States - Pomona

Today, I got yelled at by a man for not opening my store 10-15 minutes before the scheduled opening time, which made his 84-year-old wife shit her pants waiting to get in. It didn't matter when I explained I had no way to know she needed to use the restroom. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2012 20:38 - Netherlands

Today, I had to take my husband to the hospital. He and his friends got the bright idea of recording a re-enactment of a scene from Fight Club for a YouTube video. It ended as soon as my husband caught a fist to the gut and started violently puking all over our basement floor. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2011 01:25 - United Kingdom

Today, my neighbours kicked my football back over the fence. They'd slashed it and taped a note to the remains that said, "Do it again and it'll be your face." Now I'm scared to play football in my own backyard. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/5/2009 22:38 - United States

Today, for my birthday, someone left a big bottle of mouth wash on my desk with a big bow on it. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2009 21:58 - United Kingdom

Today, I was shaving my underarms, when I heard a noise. I quickly turned my head to see what it was and got the razor caught in my hair. I'm now sporting a very attractive bald patch. FML

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By heeeeeyitsbrittney - 9/5/2019 08:00

Today, I cut myself with a butter knife while trying to get a piece of brownie from a pan. I don't think I was meant to survive on Earth for very long. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2018 01:30

Today, I got my hair trimmed to look fresh for my sister's wedding this week. The woman messed up so badly that the manager had to step in and fix it. I lost 8 inches of hair and my dad keeps telling me I look like a medieval stable boy. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/8/2018 18:30

Today, I was in school when a guy grabbed my breast, so I swore at him and shoved him away. I got detention and he walked away unpunished. FML

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By crushed - 29/9/2011 14:32 - Australia

Today, the job search agency that I use asked me to stop sending in my resume, as no one had hired me in three years, and that the situation was unlikely to change. FML

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Top comments

By Tequilamockngbrd | 7

#672075 - Sunday 15 November 2009 2:42

I'm not sure what's more stupid: wanting to pee on a grasshopper, or expecting it to wait in one spot while you peed on it. Silly.

By Luckster | 0

#672092 - Sunday 15 November 2009 2:49

That Grasshopper waited all day to do that to you! You know that, right?

COMMENTS

By Tequilamockngbrd | 7

#672075 - Sunday 15 November 2009 2:42

I'm not sure what's more stupid: wanting to pee on a grasshopper, or expecting it to wait in one spot while you peed on it. Silly.

Reply

DameGreyWulf | 0

#672258 - Sunday 15 November 2009 3:47

I think I must agree, but 1 has a point....
[edit] wtf, I replied to a comment down below about "If I was a guy, I'd do the same"

Well, 1, you have a point.

Reply

omghehehe | 0

#672297 - Sunday 15 November 2009 4:05

Really! :D I replied to #1 and it's missing. Also, his/her response changed too :D

Anyway, I agree with #1 :) Yes, silly.

Reply

your_mother | 0

#672796 - Sunday 15 November 2009 15:36

Karma's a bitch.

Reply

Edumacated | 0

#672809 - Sunday 15 November 2009 15:48

I take it you're not a guy =).

Reply

mwz777 | 0

#969593 - Sunday 28 March 2010 3:03

haha ya but I wouldve done the same thing

Reply

dont_stop_believ | 0

#1010070 - Friday 28 May 2010 7:34

if you didn't want ur pee on u y wud the grasshopper want ur pee?! haha loserr

Reply

Rejectofsociety9 | 0

#1028253 - Friday 11 June 2010 23:45

...and you didn't see this coming, OP?

Reply

xJC77x | 0

#1165682 - Saturday 31 July 2010 9:37

I woulda done the same thing lol

By bom_bom | 0

#672083 - Sunday 15 November 2009 2:45

omg...LOL...i added it to my favs...i almost peed myself after i read that..
kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk(second comment)

Reply

Captain_Obvious2_fml | 6

#2627519 - Monday 6 June 2011 3:50

if youre gonna pee, you better find a nice urimal with a grasshopper in it...

By ilovemenn | 0

#672085 - Sunday 15 November 2009 2:46

AHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!

Reply

swimdiva | 0

#672344 - Sunday 15 November 2009 4:23

isn't**

By SykoOne | 0

#672089 - Sunday 15 November 2009 2:48

LMFAOOO !!!
OMG YO , if i was a guy , i would TOTTALLLY do the exact SAME thing ! :)

Reply

Basiil | 0

#1754255 - Friday 26 November 2010 12:09

Why can't girls do that? :/

Reply

KyRidHEART | 0

#2005064 - Tuesday 25 January 2011 4:48

Cuz we have this think called a VAGINA.

Reply

MicMic_fml | 7

#2972231 - Monday 25 July 2011 15:27

116 - is that thing edible?

By Luckster | 0

#672092 - Sunday 15 November 2009 2:49

That Grasshopper waited all day to do that to you! You know that, right?

By LeeIsAwesome | 0

#672096 - Sunday 15 November 2009 2:51

YDI for peeing on it.

Reply

iheartjustinsane | 0

#672345 - Sunday 15 November 2009 4:23

Exactly.

By dabeachbum | 0

#672112 - Sunday 15 November 2009 2:58

if i was a guy id do the same thing hahaha

By lenasaur | 0

#672127 - Sunday 15 November 2009 3:05

Thats what you get. How would you like it if someone peed on you?

Reply

mutantcow | 0

#672164 - Sunday 15 November 2009 3:17

you clever, clever person. (:

Reply

Captain_Obvious2_fml | 6

#2627528 - Monday 6 June 2011 3:52

kinky...

Reply

Honda288 | 2

#4113047 - Friday 2 March 2012 5:13

Ask Steve Stifler.

By CheapoBilo | 0

#672132 - Sunday 15 November 2009 3:06

Ydi for not shitting on It instead.

Reply

juicy_extasy | 25

#672813 - Sunday 15 November 2009 16:01

LOL OMG!
Weigh it down?! You're so evil!

Reply

cactusbutt | 0

#800213 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 17:04

oh, lol! x)

Reply

CrazyV | 22

#3598053 - Thursday 17 November 2011 23:00

hahaha good one

By DeadMansCrack | 4

#672136 - Sunday 15 November 2009 3:07

LOL I would say YDI, but it sounds like something I would do.