Health: Today, I was taking a piss at a urinal when a fly started harassing...

By Anonypiss - Canada - Pembroke

Today, I was taking a piss at a urinal when a fly started harassing me. I got so annoyed, I tried to swat it. Didn't go too well. I ended up losing control of my stream, soaking the guy beside me. He busted my face in. FML

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Health

Noise

Mind your own beeswax

Rock and a hard place

By JGarz - United States - Tucson

Today, I walked in on my teenage son passionately making out with one of his sister's Barbie dolls. FML

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By replaced - United States - Marietta

Today, my boss fired me because his girlfriend wanted the job I had. She has no experience whatsoever in my line of work, it was just his "anniversary present" for her. FML

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By missedout - United States - York

Today, while my mother-in-law visited, I asked if she wouldn't mind watching my son for 10 minutes as I had run out of baby shampoo. I came back home to see she had shaved his head completely bald. That was his very first haircut. FML

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By Zoe123 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were at his house having sex. After about 30 minutes, his mom came home and was knocking on the door asking "What are you doing?" Thinking I might have a chance to sneak out, I got dressed real quiet. Then my boyfriend answers, "Zoe. I'm doing Zoe." FML

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By homelesslyf - Australia - Clayton

Today, I was kicked out of my aunt's house for being 15 minutes late for her to pick me up. She told me she doesn't want me to come home and left me in a panicked mess. My sister and brother are on her side and refuse to talk to me. I'm now couch surfing. FML

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By jitterbug - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, when my roommate asked me what was wrong, I told him that something I ate was making me feel sick. He works 10+ hours a day, and I didn't have the heart to tell him that the putrid smell of his feet was making me nauseous. FML

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By Ohgodhelpme

Today, my boyfriend bought me a vibrator for my birthday. Sounds sweet, right? Then he invited my 10/14-year-old cousins to our house. They surprised me in my room. While I was using it. FML

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By hickhick

Today, I went to the doctor's office for a regular check up. They found "odd red marks" on the inside of my thighs. They started to think it might be a skin disease, so I had to explain to my mother and the doctor that it was hickeys from my boyfriend. FML

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By Old and Ugly - United States

Today, at work as a bank teller, an angry customer complained that the payments on his two credit cards had been messed up the previous month, with the wrong amount being credited to each account. I asked if he knew who'd helped him. He said, "Well, it wasn't you - she was younger and prettier!" FML

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By taman - United States

Today, I took this girl out that I've been crushing on for 2 years to a fancy restaurant. At one point during the date, I had to get up to take a massive dump. As I was walking back to the table, a little boy stood up and shouted, "THAT'S THE POOPOO MAN" in front of the whole restaurant. FML

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By Shinobi_3 - United States

Today, while I was eating, a fly kept pissing me off. After three minutes of it buzzing around, I caught it and killed it. Then, without realizing it, I smeared its guts all over the front of my shirt. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, my younger sister's dog broke its leg. The vets are closed today so instead of going on a date with a girl I have been trying to get for at least 2 years, I need to carry an 80 lb. dog that hates me, up and down the stairs. I already got bit twice. FML

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By MollyMadamme

Freudian slip

Today, I decided to wake my fiancé up by giving him a blowjob. When he finally started to wake up he called me by his ex's name. FML

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By lauren - United States

Today, I discovered that my cleaning lady steals valuables from me, and covered it up by saying that "the vacuum must've eaten it." FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, my cat was in the bathroom with me. I was getting undressed to get into the shower. My cat looked at me after I'd undressed and then threw up all over the rug. FML

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Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By hastobeajoke - United States

Today, I submitted my 208th job application in less than a year, and went to my 83rd and 84th interviews, only to be told once again that I'm over-qualified for the first, and under-qualified for the second. FML

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By Penguinsuit

Today, I threw my clothes in the laundry and had only penguin pajamas to wear. My mother forgot to mention that she was expecting a handyman. Guess who got greeted by an adult woman in a penguin suit. FML

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By AnonymousUser - Australia - Brisbane

Today, feeling desperate, I asked my dad for advice on how to get a girl. He asked me why I want to even date. I panicked and said I just wanted to make someone happy. He told me that if I wanted to make someone happy, I should "just start by getting a goddamn vasectomy". FML

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By moduschic - United States

Today, at work this woman came up to my counter and handed me gold top covered in gold sequins. I like to chat with the customers sometimes at work so I got all excited and said "Ooh! You shopping for Halloween?" She gave me the biggest death stare. Turns out she wasn't shopping for Halloween. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 2 weeks said that he was going to cook me dinner. After waiting for the frozen pizza that he decided to make for me to be completely cooked, he said, "Oh I hate this part", reached into the oven with his bare hands and took out the pizza, all while screaming. He is 24. FML

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By Jaymz

Today, I went to my son's final band performance. I also have a busy toddler, so I ended up watching most of the performance in the hallway on a tv monitor. In the middle of the awards ceremony, my toddler pulled the fire alarm. Everyone had to evacuate the building. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, My girlfriend and I were watching tv when suddenly one of our phones start going off. We both have the same phone and they were next to each other. She picks up the phone and reads the text message, "I wish you were here! I'd fuck you silly" She gets pissed and runs out. It was her phone. FML

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By unloved - United Kingdom

Today, my wife changed her name back to her maiden name. Why? So people would stop asking questions about us. We have been married for 15 years. FML

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By InTheDoghouse23 - United States

Today, my wife and I had another couple over. My wife was beside me while we all talked in the kitchen. I turned to put something in the fridge, and the other couple went into the next room. Turning back, I groped my wife's breasts playfully. She screamed and slapped me. It wasn't my wife. FML

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By therundown - United States

Today, while in line at a gas station, I felt something on my shoulder. I turned around only to see a woman behind me pulling the sunburnt skin off my shoulder. When I told her to stop, she yelled, hit me with her purse and ran off crying. FML

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By samgonzalessb - United States

Today, my boyfriend bought me a voice personalized build-a-bear. I thought he was going to propose to me through it, only to press the foot of the bear and hear "we should break up" instead. FML

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By geeklove - United States

Today, I got a Facebook message from the school genius/nerd, who I have never talked to. He politely informed me that after much thought and deliberation, he has narrowed it down to who his ideal mate is. Me. FML

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By BleakExpectations

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years revealed he'd got me a complete collection of Charles Dickens' novels for £3 from a charity shop. He was particularly proud as he said it meant he could give me one for Christmas and my birthday each year, thus avoiding having to buy me presents for the next 15+ years. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Wilston

Today, I went to visit my dad for the first time in over a year, as I have been studying for my Master's degree in history halfway across the world. The first thing he said to me? "So, gotten a real job yet?" FML

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By mook - United States

Today, my neighbor confessed to me that he was homophobic and regrets that his family doesnt know it. He spent fifteen minutes explaining how much he would hate to have a gay child. I spent two hours last night convincing his son that it was the right thing to tell his family he was gay. FML

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By - France

Today, I crashed my car racing backwards and told my parents I was rear ended. They made me call the police and file a report. I hope there were no cameras. FML

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By Youdontneed2knowmyname - United States

Today, I was so bored I began practicing an irish jig. For two hours. FML

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By zyordz - Peru

Today, I was working at a soup kitchen with people from my church. Seeing a rather disheveled couple, I told them the line started "over there". Only then did I realize that they were from my church, and were there to help serve soup. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the guardian angel charm my grandma gave to me for "safe driving" fell off my sun visor while I was driving. This scared me enough to cause me to swerve into another moving car. So much for safe driving. FML

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By connor1701

Today, I went to put my coat on to go out. I put my hand in my pocket, not knowing there was a mouse sleeping in there. I squeezed it, it bit me and ran off. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was visiting my grandmother's house. She keeps the thermostat on 85 and after about 30 minutes I explained to her "I'm going to have to leave, it's just too hot in here". She replied: "You think it's hot in here, wait until you get to hell." I laughed. She didn't. FML

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By Nicky_ham - Canada - Regina

Today, a 65-ish year-old man told me that he's married and not supposed to look at other women, but that I tempt him. All while sitting next to his wife, who then told me I was going to hell. FML

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24532

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By Stressed_Out_Student

That's a lot of damage!

Today, I had to do a still life of a pillowcase for my drawing class. To make up for bad grades I've gotten before, I followed my professor's directions to a T. He took 19 points off because I drew the background when no one else did. We have to do it for every piece. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my best friend of 10 years told me she had slept with a man who had a girlfriend. I told her that it wasn't that bad. She then informed me that it was my boyfriend. FML

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By panicked headaches - United States - East Lansing

Today, I started taking my anxiety meds. Without them I can't function because I'm constantly fighting off panic attacks, but with them I can't function because I get crippling headaches and heartburn and feel tired all the time. FML

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Top comments

By jonjonguapito | 15

#6358274 - Thursday 23 July 2015 0:13

I guess you pissed him off

By chaseafterwind82 | 29

#6358300 - Thursday 23 July 2015 0:23

Should have pissed on the fly instead.

COMMENTS

By jonjonguapito | 15

#6358274 - Thursday 23 July 2015 0:13

I guess you pissed him off

ohSNAPyall | 26

#6358310 - Thursday 23 July 2015 0:31

Sounds like he pissed him on.

hacksaw246 | 24

#6358390 - Thursday 23 July 2015 1:24

Better to be pissed of than pissed.. Oh wait

JohnTheDonJuan | 11

#6358397 - Thursday 23 July 2015 1:30

How was the fly harassing you? Was it of a sexual nature? Or more in the line of bullying? I'm very curious. .

Queensland | 27

#6358405 - Thursday 23 July 2015 1:37

Wtf #32? Sexual nature? ...

JohnTheDonJuan | 11

#6358523 - Thursday 23 July 2015 3:50

It was a joke... because he said harassing. Not many people describe a fly as harassing them.

milehigh52 | 22

#6358559 - Thursday 23 July 2015 4:33

Harassing literally means to bother. So yes, the fly was harassing OP.

Ted_brosby | 4

#6358678 - Thursday 23 July 2015 7:00

People tend to get pissed off if they get pissed on

ariasmake1 | 9

#6358736 - Thursday 23 July 2015 8:35

I strongly dislike your comment.

ariasmake1 | 9

#6358739 - Thursday 23 July 2015 8:37

You're as creepy as your profile pic.

RayRey009 | 5

#6359576 - Friday 24 July 2015 4:25

I really don't see why ppl dislike your comment so much. I think it's hilarious and it makes sense. Who tf says "a fly was harassing me"?

By Jakk100 | 20

#6358277 - Thursday 23 July 2015 0:14

Did you at least do your fly up when you left?

By Liyuesigs | 8

#6358279 - Thursday 23 July 2015 0:14

Can you blame him?

thecrazymancan | 17

#6358423 - Thursday 23 July 2015 1:48

I know I could.

By emeraldisle | 30

#6358280 - Thursday 23 July 2015 0:15

I would've punched you too. Next time pay attention to you're doing.

lambda_fml | 40

#6358628 - Thursday 23 July 2015 5:51

what

By DoWT | 11

#6358281 - Thursday 23 July 2015 0:15

Time to move out

SPN_lover666 | 27

#6358328 - Thursday 23 July 2015 0:50

Wrong FML.

Diarrhea_Volcano | 29

#6358449 - Thursday 23 July 2015 2:14

He doesn't live in the fucking urinal.

Mcstud1y | 30

#6358479 - Thursday 23 July 2015 2:51

42 this made my day

milehigh52 | 22

#6358560 - Thursday 23 July 2015 4:35

42 your picture made my day.

By summer4me | 25

#6358289 - Thursday 23 July 2015 0:17

Next time choose your fights a little more wisely. No fly is worth your face.

By demetrius1551 | 15

#6358291 - Thursday 23 July 2015 0:19

did you fight back? you may have deserved it but never go out without hittin back

tantanpanda | 26

#6358612 - Thursday 23 July 2015 5:28

What kind of stupid maxim is that? Even if it's your fault, punch them back anyway? Genius train of logic /sarcasm

jogihoppa8343 | 23

#6358754 - Thursday 23 July 2015 8:54

you mean it would've been a good idea to urinate on someone first and fight back consequently after getting hit on the face? who are you ??

legendairy3000 | 16

#6359048 - Thursday 23 July 2015 18:19

This guys only 14, you have to remember that.

By cksmith51 | 14

#6358292 - Thursday 23 July 2015 0:20

Maybe he was just trying to hit the fly, too.

By mrut92 | 17

#6358293 - Thursday 23 July 2015 0:20

In all honesty...ydi. If a fly big enough to do that was harassing me I'd be like its cool man I'll leave.

By Cassandra2015 | 21

#6358299 - Thursday 23 July 2015 0:23

Your joking right ?

slutfactory | 17

#6358317 - Thursday 23 July 2015 0:35

**You're

Cassandra2015 | 21

#6358337 - Thursday 23 July 2015 0:57

My sincere apologizes for spelling something wrong .