Health: Today, I was taking a piss at a urinal when a fly started harassing...

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53

You deserved it 5

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 103

Spicy

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7

You deserved it 61

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 701

You deserved it 112

22/07/2015 16:21

Today, I was taking a piss at a urinal when a fly started harassing me. I got so annoyed, I tried to swat it. Didn't go too well. I ended up losing control of my stream, soaking the guy beside me. He busted my face in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 615

You deserved it 26 516

Health

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

No Gods, No Masters

Old lady hotline

02/12/2014 17:39

Today, I received a package from my deployed husband. It contained a scarf, a letter, and a bag full of his pubes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 267

You deserved it 4 188

28/05/2011 12:20

Today, I got so stressed about my upcoming final exams that, in the silent section of the library, I had a panic attack and almost passed out. No one helped me. 3 people shushed me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 289

You deserved it 9 559

27/08/2016 06:27

Today, I got married to the man I love even though my whole family told me not to marry him. He got into a drunken fight at our wedding and is now in jail. He apparently won't be getting out any time soon due to charges I didn't know about. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 640

You deserved it 3 204

17/03/2018 19:00

Today, I got a promotion because my boss “accidentally” had sex with my wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 721

You deserved it 380

The great replacement

By mommy - 18/04/2014 02:31

Today, my ex-husband came to pick up our two kids for his weekend with them. Seeing his new girlfriend was in the car, and desperate for conversation, I asked her name. My kids unhesitatingly blurted out, "Mom". FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 132

You deserved it 5 323

19/12/2013 13:12

Today, I was looking for a job. I was so desperate for gas money to drive around town that I had to steal $20 from my sister. She's only 10 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 508

You deserved it 23 059

13/11/2012 21:23

Today, I was severely chewed out by my boss because, according to him, I look down on him too often. I'm 6ft5. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 449

You deserved it 1 958

19/06/2014 14:37

Today, my girlfriend thought it'd be witty to buy a miniature stop sign, and hold it up when she gets bored during sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 999

You deserved it 15 384

23/05/2013 01:57

Today, I have to defend my client in court. The defense that my client wants me to use is, "It's not a robbery if you have swag" and then goes on saying, "The judge is bound to let me go after he sees my swag." FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 273

You deserved it 4 752

16/09/2010 09:04

Today, while grocery shopping, my Dad asked me what I wanted for 'Din-Dins' while scratching his nuts. In a crowded aisle. Wearing short shorts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 964

You deserved it 3 328

29/09/2010 22:47

Today, my daughter watched a potty training video on Sesame Street. In the middle of the video, she got up and ran to her potty to practice. She then announced, "All done!", and proudly closed the lid to her potty. She then immediately stood on top of it and peed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 438

You deserved it 3 652

09/05/2019 08:00

Today, I cut myself with a butter knife while trying to get a piece of brownie from a pan. I don't think I was meant to survive on Earth for very long. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 510

You deserved it 326

09/11/2011 21:52

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to let my 19-month-old son watch me pee, since I'm trying to potty train him. I didn't consider that he might try to grab my penis. When he did, I was startled and peed all over the floor and my son. Good job dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 442

You deserved it 24 571

Everybody needs good neighbours

By Anonymous - 11/07/2020 17:02

Today, I live on the second floor and my neighbor from below banged on my door, telling me I sounded like a giant elephant and needed to learn to be quiet. I was eating ice cream in bed. I also live alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 447

You deserved it 110

10/04/2014 15:50

Today, my psycho ex boyfriend, who I broke up with over a month ago showed up at my work yelling and crying because I didn't get him anything for his birthday. My boss now thinks I'm an asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 295

You deserved it 4 666

25/11/2011 06:59

Today, I was verbally abused by a guy in a 4-wheel-drive twat-tank for listening to music on my iPod while I was "blocking the way." I was standing on the footpath waiting for a bus. At a bus stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 410

You deserved it 2 685

07/03/2012 19:25

Today, my history teacher confiscated my iPhone. She dropped it on the way back to her desk, and I now have a shattered iPhone screen to fix. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 451

You deserved it 31 974

28/10/2013 04:51

Today, I failed hard at a color test. I thought it was a joke because most of the colors looked the same to me. Now I know why people laugh at my clothes color choices. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 575

You deserved it 3 584

14/08/2014 03:02

Today, it was a hot day and a woman walking in front of me collapsed. I helped her up, and I called an ambulance while she laid down. While we waited, two teenage girls walked past and I heard one say to the other, "I love how this city just lets people tan wherever". FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 463

You deserved it 3 201

Bunged up

By Anonymous - 24/04/2021 02:00

Today, as caregiver, I had to physically remove the shit my grandpa had stuck in his rectum, because he doesn't remember how to shit. He barely knows who I am, which is good because when he remembers who he is, he becomes an abusive asshole. I'm 27. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 078

You deserved it 73

13/02/2009 15:02

Today, for the first time in months, I got a call from a beautiful girl asking me what I was doing tonight. Then my battery died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 488

You deserved it 8 352

28/12/2016 01:28

Today, I attempted to score with a previous friend-with-benefits by sending her a photo of my Christmas present, bondage rope. She arrived an hour later in a mad panic. She thought I was going to hang myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 906

You deserved it 3 042

10/08/2009 22:48

Today, a patient was late for a psychiatry appointment, after having missed his previous two. I am the medical student on the team that was supposed to do his assessment. I said, "You snooze, you lose." Everyone stopped and looked at me. Apparently, he missed them because he has narcolepsy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 298

You deserved it 49 337

14/09/2012 16:51

Today, my 12 year-old dog died. My boyfriend's attempts to comfort me involved him muttering, "At least she knows how to play dead now." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 071

You deserved it 2 375

26/01/2015 15:21

Today, my cat had the bright idea of giving birth in the dryer, on top of all my new white towels. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 465

You deserved it 5 917

06/12/2015 15:36

Today, I found out that the $200 I reluctantly gave to my mother so she could rent a house was paid to a scammer. Now she wants to live with me, in my one bedroom apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 770

You deserved it 1 892

23/06/2013 23:36

Today, I was teasing my 6-year-old sister about having a boyfriend. I asked her, "Did he take his shirt off?" She promptly said no. A few minutes later, she said, "But he did take his pants off." I then asked why. She said, "To show me his penis." FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 601

You deserved it 8 578

13/02/2011 05:30

Today, I found out that I have enough driving skills to manage to hit a pothole and have two of my tires go flat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 975

You deserved it 19 449

16/05/2017 16:00

Today, I've been yawning every few minutes. Which would be fine, except every couple of yawns my jaw dislocates, and I have to put it back in place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 126

You deserved it 322

04/01/2010 21:07

Today, I found my daughter's brand new ipod touch. At the bottom of the washing machine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 650

You deserved it 6 190

02/10/2011 22:57

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting frisky. She got my cock out, stopped, and told me it looked like "Rufus the naked mole rat." She spent the next 20 minutes showing me pictures, describing in detail why they looked similar, and laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 991

You deserved it 4 806

05/03/2012 05:12

Today, while I was on the floor stocking a bottom shelf, a man walked up behind me and humped the back of my head. He ran away laughing. This kind of shit happens all the time. I hate my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 451

You deserved it 2 940

03/09/2011 05:33

Today, I went to a restaurant with a girl I really liked. She started crying when an overweight family walked in and loudly sobbed about how the parents were "murdering" their children. This made the father of that family try to fight me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 716

You deserved it 3 754

13/02/2015 20:24

Today, my thundercunt of a neighbor, who's hated me since I moved in, called the cops on me. He told them he saw me shooting up on drugs. I'm diabetic and was injecting insulin, which he could only have seen by spying on me through my living room window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 877

You deserved it 2 211

10/01/2011 08:25

Today, I heard my asshole neighbor had died of a stroke. I was outside and said, "Well it's about goddamn time!" I turned around to see his wife walking her dog and staring deep into my soul. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 102

You deserved it 68 106

25/09/2012 23:20

Today, I got sent to the principal's office because my Dad decided that instead of signing his name, he would sign, "Ms. Bigtits", because he wanted to make sure the teachers were paying attention to what their students handed in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 795

You deserved it 1 908

Meme wars

By Anonymous - 01/02/2021 22:57

Today, I found out my boyfriend is cheating on me via a meme. What the fuck? With a friend of mine as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 804

You deserved it 94

06/06/2012 01:19

Today, I was talking on the phone to my crush so I went into the bathroom for some privacy. My drunk mother started banging on the door, asking what I was doing in there. I told her that I was on the phone, so she yelled super loud, "While you're shitting?" He immediately hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 466

You deserved it 4 327

31/10/2015 16:41

Today, I was at the airport waiting for my flight to leave for Hawaii when I received an urgent call from my neighbour saying that my house had been broken into. After rushing home and missing my flight, I had to explain to the police that my house wasn't burgled, it was just very messy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 610

You deserved it 5 891

18/04/2009 10:42

Today, I was at a frat band party dancing with my girl when I felt some liquid on my arm. Normally, I'll lick spilled drinks off my arms and being slightly intoxicated, I did. Then I realized it was chunky. The girl dancing next to us had puked everywhere and I licked her vomit off my arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 948

You deserved it 114 891

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Top comments

jonjonguapito 15

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Thursday 23 July 2015 0:13

I guess you pissed him off

chaseafterwind82 29

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Thursday 23 July 2015 0:23

Should have pissed on the fly instead.

Comments

jonjonguapito 15

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Thursday 23 July 2015 0:13

I guess you pissed him off

ohSNAPyall 26

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Thursday 23 July 2015 0:31

Sounds like he pissed him on.

hacksaw246 24

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Thursday 23 July 2015 1:24

Better to be pissed of than pissed.. Oh wait

JohnTheDonJuan 11

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Thursday 23 July 2015 1:30

How was the fly harassing you? Was it of a sexual nature? Or more in the line of bullying? I'm very curious. .

Queensland 27

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Thursday 23 July 2015 1:37

Wtf #32? Sexual nature? ...

JohnTheDonJuan 11

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Thursday 23 July 2015 3:50

It was a joke... because he said harassing. Not many people describe a fly as harassing them.

milehigh52 22

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Thursday 23 July 2015 4:33

Harassing literally means to bother. So yes, the fly was harassing OP.

Ted_brosby 4

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Thursday 23 July 2015 7:00

People tend to get pissed off if they get pissed on

ariasmake1 9

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Thursday 23 July 2015 8:35

I strongly dislike your comment.

ariasmake1 9

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Thursday 23 July 2015 8:37

You're as creepy as your profile pic.

RayRey009 5

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Friday 24 July 2015 4:25

I really don't see why ppl dislike your comment so much. I think it's hilarious and it makes sense. Who tf says "a fly was harassing me"?

Jakk100 20

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Thursday 23 July 2015 0:14

Did you at least do your fly up when you left?

Liyuesigs 8

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Thursday 23 July 2015 0:14

Can you blame him?

thecrazymancan 17

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Thursday 23 July 2015 1:48

I know I could.

emeraldisle 30

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Thursday 23 July 2015 0:15

I would've punched you too. Next time pay attention to you're doing.

lambda_fml 40

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Thursday 23 July 2015 5:51

what

DoWT 11

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Thursday 23 July 2015 0:15

Time to move out

SPN_lover666 27

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Thursday 23 July 2015 0:50

Wrong FML.

Diarrhea_Volcano 29

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Thursday 23 July 2015 2:14

He doesn't live in the fucking urinal.

Mcstud1y 30

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Thursday 23 July 2015 2:51

42 this made my day

milehigh52 22

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Thursday 23 July 2015 4:35

42 your picture made my day.

summer4me 25

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Thursday 23 July 2015 0:17

Next time choose your fights a little more wisely. No fly is worth your face.

demetrius1551 15

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Thursday 23 July 2015 0:19

did you fight back? you may have deserved it but never go out without hittin back

tantanpanda 26

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Thursday 23 July 2015 5:28

What kind of stupid maxim is that? Even if it's your fault, punch them back anyway? Genius train of logic /sarcasm

jogihoppa8343 23

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Thursday 23 July 2015 8:54

you mean it would've been a good idea to urinate on someone first and fight back consequently after getting hit on the face? who are you ??

legendairy3000 16

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Thursday 23 July 2015 18:19

This guys only 14, you have to remember that.

cksmith51 14

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Thursday 23 July 2015 0:20

Maybe he was just trying to hit the fly, too.

mrut92 17

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Thursday 23 July 2015 0:20

In all honesty...ydi. If a fly big enough to do that was harassing me I'd be like its cool man I'll leave.

Cassandra2015 21

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Thursday 23 July 2015 0:23

Your joking right ?

slutfactory 17

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Thursday 23 July 2015 0:35

**You're

Cassandra2015 21

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Thursday 23 July 2015 0:57

My sincere apologizes for spelling something wrong .