Today, I was taking a piss at a urinal when a fly started harassing...

By Anonypiss - 22/7/2015 16:21 - Canada - Pembroke

Today, I was taking a piss at a urinal when a fly started harassing me. I got so annoyed, I tried to swat it. Didn't go too well. I ended up losing control of my stream, soaking the guy beside me. He busted my face in. FML

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Health

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By so much for a good day - 15/7/2011 17:14 - United States

Today, I grinned for five minutes straight because my friends told me it would put me in a good mood for the rest of the day. It gave me a migraine. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/2/2017 19:00 - United States - Shreveport

Today, while at work for a dog groomer, I picked up a new puppy that came in for a groom. I held it up at face level with me, baby talking it, when it promptly began peeing. Luckily, it didn't get on my clothes. Unluckily, it got onto my face and into my mouth. FML

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By YES I MEAN *EX* GIRLFRIEND - 17/8/2015 20:14 - Canada

Today, to prove that my girlfriend is a "total skank", my best friend seduced her and showed me the video he secretly filmed of it. FML

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By SBCR - 7/12/2012 06:01 - United States - Ankeny

Today, my best friend announced she was getting married. I've always wanted to be a bridesmaid but she then added, "You can't be in the bridal party because you don't have the same body type as the other bridesmaids. But you can still come to the bachelorette party!" FML

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By robbedonCTA - 22/9/2009 06:20 - United States

Today, I felt a tug on my backpack and found my wallet missing. A nice stranger pointed to a guy running down the stairs and said "There goes the guy who took your wallet!" I ran to catch the supposed offender. The 'nice' stranger was the actual offender distracting me as he got away. FML

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By Numbnuts - 8/3/2010 03:08 - United States

Today, I was really bored and decided to annoy my mom while she was doing the dishes. I walked up behind her, touched her shoulder, and said "Poke". She then donkey kicks me straight in the nuts saying "Kick". I know now to never bug my mom when she's in a bad mood. FML

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By Slayer - 9/10/2011 23:28 - Canada

Today, I went out to lunch with a couple of work buddies. Trying to be suave, I started hitting on our waitress. Not two seconds after saying, "Hey baby," I felt ice water on my balls. The guy next to me had spilled both our water glasses. FML

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By Creeped Out - 29/5/2017 18:00

Today, I went to the grocery store. As I was checking out, I went to grab the same item that the cashier was reaching for. He brushed my hand. He then both watched me creepily and asked my what lotion I used to make my hands so soft. When I left, he said, "I'll dream of you." FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2018 08:30

Today, I asked my boyfriend of 7 months to come over on Valentine's Day so I can cook dinner for him. He asked if he could invite his wife over as well. Guess who's newly single right before Valentine's Day! FML

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By Anonymous - 9/6/2016 19:39 - Germany - Munich

Today, I have to look after my best friend's parrot for a few days. One minute out of the room, I came back in to find out that the parrot had taught my three-year-old the word "slut". Now the two won't stop screaming "slut" throughout the whole house. My wife thinks both learned the word from me. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/12/2011 20:08 - United States

Today, my wife threatened to end our relationship if I didn't skip work and stay at home. She's into astrology, and apparently when one of those money-grubbing frauds writes "betrayal will come from someone close to you", it's reason enough to suspect that I'll cheat on her. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/2/2017 13:00 - United States - Cypress

Today, my mother-in-law threw bricks at my car. Her defense? I shouldn't have parked in her brick throwing spot, in my own driveway. FML

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By Anonyme - 6/9/2013 11:56 - France - Caen

Today, my 17-year-old son hacked off the legs of his bed with a saw. His explanation? "The bed looks cooler closer to the floor." FML

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By feckingnasty - 26/1/2018 19:00

Today, I watched my husband pick his dead foot skin and say, "That's a keeper!" before putting it in his mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2009 17:09 - United States

Today, my friend found a picture of herself on a website filled with pictures of thin people. I was in the picture, also. I was crossed-out with the word, "EWW" written next to me. FML

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By wsumt - 29/1/2009 01:04 - United States

Today, my friend and I were in a hallway talking while a man kept walking by and turning around. I then asked him "WHAT are you LOOKING for!". It was a blind man. FML

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By lonerboner - 3/10/2012 13:47 - United States

Today, I went on a date to the movies with this guy I kinda like. When he was driving me home, he asked me to be his girlfriend; I said I couldn’t because it was really bad timing. He kicked me out of the car, called me an asshole, and made me walk home. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/5/2012 01:55 - United States - Sioux City

Today, I had a babysitting job. When I got there, the parents were rushing out the door and told me they'd left instructions for the kids on the table. The first bullet point stated that the oldest was convinced she is possessed by the devil, but just to ignore it. Three more hours to go. FML

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By Anonypiss - 22/7/2015 16:21 - Canada - Pembroke

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By live2dance4ever - 6/7/2019 14:00

Today, I went to attend my summer school class again after being out sick for a week. When I said "Here" during roll call, everyone started cheering and clapping. Apparently, my professor has been badmouthing me while I've been absent for pretending to be sick. I'm sure my grade will be fantastic. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/5/2019 20:03

Today, I went straight from a kickboxing class to a first date. I coughed and a tooth that must have been knocked loose during free sparring fell into my hand, and I got blood on my shirt and the table. My date had a blood phobia and passed out, breaking her own front tooth on the table edge FML

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By ooops - 4/8/2012 16:06 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I went to have dinner with my girlfriend and her family. It got silent, so, noticing her legs were darker than they were a few hours ago, I wanted to ask her if she used tanning lotion. I ended up asking her if her legs were fake. Her dad has prosthetic legs. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2009 09:39 - New Zealand

Today, my boss rang me for the 5th time on my day off. Frustrated I pushed 'ignore' and yelled a string of obscenities at my phone. Turns out I pushed 'talk'. FML

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By navyma - 17/9/2009 05:10 - Korea Republic of

Today, I went to the orthodontist to have my braces worked on. I accidentally swallowed some of the cleaning solution she used. She told me it would probably give me an upset stomach. Apparently, an upset stomach and crapping your pants means the same thing to an orthodontist. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2012 21:10 - United Kingdom - Walsall

Today, a baseball bat fell on my head while my boyfriend and I were cuddling. The same baseball bat that he keeps next to the bed, because he genuinely fears a zombie outbreak. FML

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By ThatHurts - 14/11/2011 00:11 - Canada

Today, I have two black eyes. The first one I got from the girl whose ass I mistakenly grabbed at a party last night. The other one I got from my girlfriend when I explained the first one. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2016 17:53 - United States - Draper

Today, at the store, I didn't hear the cashier when she asked if I had a loyalty card. She took one look at my naturally bitchy-looking face and muttered "It's my JOB to ask, jeez." FML

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By Nofreeride - 28/1/2017 18:00

Today, after arguing with my husband over who needed the car more, I thought he clearly won. As the loser, I spent the day walking everywhere. Later, I learned that he thought I'd won and left the car in our apartment parking garage for me while he took the bus to work. FML

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By ryan - 10/2/2010 15:08 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. Its was pretty good and heavy and she was moaning nicely. Then her moans got softer and softer and then nothing. She fell asleep. FML

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By Stuck - 15/7/2009 04:01 - United States

Today, I was going to break up with my boyfriend after we went out for dinner. To my surprise, our families were also in the restaurant, to witness him propose to me. FML

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By AnonymousCow - 20/9/2016 13:04 - Australia - Perth

Today, I told my daughter that she wasn't allowed to eat in her room, so she sat at the table and glared at me for 10 minutes while she ate. She's 15. FML

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By Shianna - 28/5/2012 22:00 - United States - Holden

Today, my son was fired from his new job, which was going to support us since I recently lost mine. His excuse was, "Conflict of interest." He was a mascot for a fast-food restaurant and refused to dance around. FML

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By marriedtoacunt - 19/10/2012 18:27 - United Kingdom - London

Today, our kids left for the weekend so that my wife and I could have some much-needed alone time. We've been fighting a lot recently and really need some time to have fun together. Now it turns out that she doesn't want to be around me because of the fighting. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/5/2019 16:00

Today, the guy I've been talking to for two months told me he hooked up with a girl last night, before blocking me on everything. I also was with him last night. FML

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By where do they come from - 1/7/2014 04:26 - United States - Bellingham

Today, I had to explain what "cashback" was to a customer. She called me a liar and wanted to talk to a manager because she felt I made up the concept. I'm the manager. She wouldn't believe me and waited in the store for an hour. Apparently this is what a Masters degree gets me. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/10/2009 08:21 - Australia

Today, I won an award at school for my hard work. Afterwards, my parents told me off. Why? They wanted my brother to get it instead of me. FML

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By it's v - 17/3/2018 08:00 - United States - Denver

Today, after my flight arrived late, I ran 60 gates to get my connecting flight. I sprinted up to the gate agent, completely out of breath, and he looked at me, shut the door, and said, “The door is shut. You’re too late.” FML

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By jfranklin - 18/10/2010 01:39 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were making fun of a photo album on Facebook containing pictures of two friends who just got engaged. I jokingly asked her to marry me. She said yes. We have been dating for two months. She's not in on the joke. FML

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By Snowman - 24/1/2016 22:21 - United States - Harrisonburg

Today, I was shovelling snow out of my driveway and broke my shovel. So I tried cleaning the driveway with a garbage lid. That broke too. Now I'm out snow shovel, AND a garbage lid. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/3/2010 07:05 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were play-wrestling on the couch. I got thirsty, so I got up and grabbed a metal water bottle and drank out of it. He tried to playfully touch it and spill water on me, but instead hit it hard enough to where it slammed my mouth, chipped my tooth, and cut open my lip. FML

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Top comments

By jonjonguapito | 15

#6358274 - Thursday 23 July 2015 0:13

I guess you pissed him off

By chaseafterwind82 | 29

#6358300 - Thursday 23 July 2015 0:23

Should have pissed on the fly instead.

Comments

By jonjonguapito | 15

#6358274 - Thursday 23 July 2015 0:13

I guess you pissed him off

ohSNAPyall | 26

#6358310 - Thursday 23 July 2015 0:31

Sounds like he pissed him on.

hacksaw246 | 24

#6358390 - Thursday 23 July 2015 1:24

Better to be pissed of than pissed.. Oh wait

JohnTheDonJuan | 11

#6358397 - Thursday 23 July 2015 1:30

How was the fly harassing you? Was it of a sexual nature? Or more in the line of bullying? I'm very curious. .

Queensland | 27

#6358405 - Thursday 23 July 2015 1:37

Wtf #32? Sexual nature? ...

JohnTheDonJuan | 11

#6358523 - Thursday 23 July 2015 3:50

It was a joke... because he said harassing. Not many people describe a fly as harassing them.

milehigh52 | 22

#6358559 - Thursday 23 July 2015 4:33

Harassing literally means to bother. So yes, the fly was harassing OP.

Ted_brosby | 4

#6358678 - Thursday 23 July 2015 7:00

People tend to get pissed off if they get pissed on

ariasmake1 | 9

#6358736 - Thursday 23 July 2015 8:35

I strongly dislike your comment.

ariasmake1 | 9

#6358739 - Thursday 23 July 2015 8:37

You're as creepy as your profile pic.

RayRey009 | 5

#6359576 - Friday 24 July 2015 4:25

I really don't see why ppl dislike your comment so much. I think it's hilarious and it makes sense. Who tf says "a fly was harassing me"?

By Jakk100 | 20

#6358277 - Thursday 23 July 2015 0:14

Did you at least do your fly up when you left?

By Liyuesigs | 8

#6358279 - Thursday 23 July 2015 0:14

Can you blame him?

thecrazymancan | 17

#6358423 - Thursday 23 July 2015 1:48

I know I could.

By emeraldisle | 30

#6358280 - Thursday 23 July 2015 0:15

I would've punched you too. Next time pay attention to you're doing.

lambda_fml | 40

#6358628 - Thursday 23 July 2015 5:51

what

By DoWT | 11

#6358281 - Thursday 23 July 2015 0:15

Time to move out

SPN_lover666 | 27

#6358328 - Thursday 23 July 2015 0:50

Wrong FML.

Diarrhea_Volcano | 29

#6358449 - Thursday 23 July 2015 2:14

He doesn't live in the fucking urinal.

Mcstud1y | 30

#6358479 - Thursday 23 July 2015 2:51

42 this made my day

milehigh52 | 22

#6358560 - Thursday 23 July 2015 4:35

42 your picture made my day.

By summer4me | 25

#6358289 - Thursday 23 July 2015 0:17

Next time choose your fights a little more wisely. No fly is worth your face.

By demetrius1551 | 15

#6358291 - Thursday 23 July 2015 0:19

did you fight back? you may have deserved it but never go out without hittin back

tantanpanda | 26

#6358612 - Thursday 23 July 2015 5:28

What kind of stupid maxim is that? Even if it's your fault, punch them back anyway? Genius train of logic /sarcasm

jogihoppa8343 | 23

#6358754 - Thursday 23 July 2015 8:54

you mean it would've been a good idea to urinate on someone first and fight back consequently after getting hit on the face? who are you ??

legendairy3000 | 16

#6359048 - Thursday 23 July 2015 18:19

This guys only 14, you have to remember that.

By cksmith51 | 14

#6358292 - Thursday 23 July 2015 0:20

Maybe he was just trying to hit the fly, too.

By mrut92 | 17

#6358293 - Thursday 23 July 2015 0:20

In all honesty...ydi. If a fly big enough to do that was harassing me I'd be like its cool man I'll leave.

By Cassandra2015 | 21

#6358299 - Thursday 23 July 2015 0:23

Your joking right ?

slutfactory | 17

#6358317 - Thursday 23 July 2015 0:35

**You're

Cassandra2015 | 21

#6358337 - Thursday 23 July 2015 0:57

My sincere apologizes for spelling something wrong .