Today, thinking that I’m alone at work, I start rummaging through...

By JoLaFritte - 7/11/2008 10:10 - France

Today, thinking that I’m alone at work, I start rummaging through my nose trying to find something interesting. It’s only after about a minute that I notice that my boss is looking straight at me. FML

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Work

Who's a good boy?

Hello everyone!

Headache

By Anonymous - 28/2/2014 22:26 - Russian Federation - Korol

Today, I was playing an intense game of Flappy Bird. I was so excited at being about to beat my high score that I got a hard-on. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/4/2016 15:26 - United States - Newville

Today, the nerves for my finals got so bad that I started stress-cleaning in my dream. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/1/2017 14:00 - United States

Today, a few people in my class used calculators on the math final exam, even though it clearly stated at the top that they weren't allowed. The teacher found out, and now everyone has to retake the 200-question exam. I didn't even use a calculator. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/12/2013 21:41 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my boyfriend randomly decided to let me know that he believes there's really no such thing as cheating, unless both partners explicitly agree that the relationship is monogamous. And no, he wouldn't agree that ours is. FML

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By XmasGrinch - 24/12/2016 13:49

Today, on Christmas Eve, as I was getting my car loaded for the holiday rounds to the in-laws and parents, my car decided now was the time to break down. I recently put in over $1000 fixing it. FML

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By uglyorstupid - 20/4/2010 16:46 - Croatia

Today, my boyfriend and I were at a restaurant with a few other couples, and my boyfriend started to rant on how "all the hot chicks are dumb." Apparently, I'm either ugly or stupid. FML

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By Hoover - 1/12/2018 03:00

Today, my parents brought me to the doctor because I was faking a headache. One thing led to another, and it turns out I have a tumor pressing against my spine. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2013 22:45 - United States - Buffalo

Today, I had to show my daughter where the USA is on a map. She's 17, and we live in the USA. FML

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By sadSarah - 1/5/2014 09:59 - United States - New York

Today, as I was waiting in line to give my mom her birthday present, my dad gave her the exact same gift I'd also bought for her. FML

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By brotheritachi - 13/6/2017 16:00

Today, it was my first driving lesson. I was so bad, the police stopped me and accused me of being drunk, because I almost crashed into the pole in front of them. FML

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By Beesmakemerun - 10/4/2017 04:00

Today, I made a joke about my electric lawnmower sounding like a bunch of angry bees. It was verified when I ran over a beehive in my backyard. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2012 00:49 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, a co-worker asked me if I have a Facebook account, and I said I do. I had to politely smile as he spent the next half hour insulting me for supposedly being glued to it 24/7, before claiming that it's all a CIA front to steal people's social security details. Why are nutjobs like this even alive? FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2015 20:58 - United Kingdom - Duns

Today, I spent half-an-hour trapped inside my dog's crate. The door locked behind me as I squeezed myself inside to stroke her. After bellowing at my family in the garden for what felt like an eternity, they came through just to laugh and take pictures. FML

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By FUCKFACECUNT - 2/8/2015 13:32 - United Arab Emirates - Abu Dhabi

Today, I took a dump at work, when I realized there was no toilet paper left. There was another guy in the room, so I asked him for some. He decided he'd rather dump all the rolls of paper into the other toilets, before wishing me luck and walking out while laughing his ass off. FML

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By FirehouseShowersAreGross - 5/7/2019 00:00

Today, I’m showering at a local firehouse. Why? Because our shower is broken and my dad refuses to fix it, or get someone to fix it for us. It’s been a year and a half since I've showered in my own home. FML

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By f*ckingdisgusted - 27/8/2011 01:13 - United States

Today, I was installing updates on my 16 year old daughter's laptop, when I got the urge to snoop around. I found a 5,000 word sex story involving her and the Edward and Jacob weirdos from the Twilight movies. I can't even look her in the eyes. I can't believe I raised this freak. FML

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By NotHungryAnymore - 1/3/2016 15:46 - United States - Rochester

Today, my boss is now so comfortable with me that she doesn't even try to hide the fact that she goes digging for gold in her nose through every conversation we have. FML

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By jameen - 7/5/2016 11:48 - United Kingdom - Newbury

Today, a woman rear-ended my car. She's trying to sue me for 'emotional damage'. FML

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By Qwe - 20/3/2016 01:22 - United States - North Attleboro

Today, I dropped my wallet and it fell into the perfectly sized hole in the storm drain. FML

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By gassy - 12/2/2013 14:18 - United States

Today, I had my new boyfriend come over. Within five minutes of him arriving, I accidentally let one rip. Shocked, I quickly tried to explain it away with, "That was my shoe." I was barefoot. FML

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By Jim - 26/11/2019 16:00 - Canada - Winfield

Bigger than...

Today, I was looking for my passport and I found my wife's new vibrator (that she failed to tell me she'd purchased). I understand now why she doesn't want sex with me anymore. That thing is much bigger than I am. FML

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By Oreo - 10/5/2016 08:58

Today, my dad and stepmom came back from a very expensive two-month trip across the world. When they got home, they had more gifts for their cat than for me. FML

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By IT_4_Hire - 10/5/2009 20:41 - United States

Today, I received a list of employee names who were losing their jobs and I had to remove them from the system as I work for IT. I was on the list. That's right. My last responsibility as an employee was removing myself from the system for security reasons. FML

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By Aly - 9/12/2011 15:40 - United States

Today, my dad finally decided to give me the "sex talk." It was going fine until he said, "If you ever decide to have sex, picture my face like this" and pointed to his face, which had a creepy, intense stare. He just ruined sex for me. Forever. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/5/2012 17:20 - Switzerland - Wildberg

Today, my boyfriend ended our relationship. He called me from his mobile phone, claimed to be a trauma surgeon, and told me with a bad German accent that my "boyfriend" had been in a fatal car crash earlier in the day. What the hell is wrong with this idiot? FML

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By Craptastic - 15/9/2018 15:00

Today, at physical therapy, I felt that all-too-familiar gurgle in my gut, but I thought it would a light, silent fart. I squatted for an exercise and shit my pants in front of the cute, single, male physical therapist. He definitely noticed. I still had 30 minutes left in the session. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/11/2013 20:37 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I tried to have a fun night out. I met a guy and we went back to "his" place, which turned out to actually be his mother's house. He introduced me to her. Two hours later, I knew his life story and had to do the walk of shame without ever getting anywhere near his bedroom. FML

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By Frustrated - 25/5/2015 17:42 - United States

Today, I tried to work on my attitude at work. People say I'm mean, so I tried to be nice all day. Apparently I'm now condescending. FML

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By DatAss - 15/1/2016 10:56

Today, I was out grocery shopping when some pervert decided to slap my ass as they walked by. As I turned around to confront them, I saw that the culprit was a 7 or 8-year-old boy. I was so shocked, speechless and angry that I couldn't even decide how to handle the situation. FML

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By lmao4eva93 - 2/7/2010 04:21 - United States

Today, I discovered my former boss from the job I quit 3 months is now my boss at my new job. He was the reason I quit my old job. FML

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By why ma? - 25/3/2020 08:02

May to December

Today, I invited my elderly mother to come stay with my husband and I during this outbreak, just until everything calms down. She declined because we said she couldn’t bring her boyfriend. Her boyfriend is a 34 year-old leech who's been living off her for over a year. She refuses to change her mind. FML

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By trollbot13 - 24/10/2016 09:39 - India - Hyderabad

Today, I was fired from my job because I, in my bosses words, "Abided by company policy to such an extent that customers were starting to hate me." FML

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By mick - 29/4/2018 19:00

Today, on my and my wife's very first camping holiday, someone cut a hole in the tent wall while we slept and stole everything, including my keys and the car. Finally getting home, it seems the thieves got our address from the car's sat-nav and burgled the house as well. FML

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By GonnaLockUpMySpices - 30/10/2015 01:34 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my roommate broke into my spice cabinet so he could get high off of my nutmeg. FML

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By pinecones - 2/2/2015 14:25 - United Kingdom

Today, my coworker said that she suddenly got the shivers. I jokingly told her that it meant she must be being watched by a dead person and made stupid ghost noises. She then told me it was the anniversary of her dad's death and burst into tears. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2013 07:18 - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, I was accused of stealing when I dropped a $20 bill in front of my boss. His logic: I'm too poor to have a $20 bill and there's no way it was a tip, since our customers are "so stingy". It was a tip and it was going to get me through the rest of the month. He won't give it back. FML

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By captainkevineff - 11/3/2010 14:44 - United States

Today, I learned that even though they say that an apple a day keeps the doctor away, it doesn't keep him from putting a Q-tip up your ass. FML

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By Panda Man - 29/11/2018 08:30 - United States - Seattle

Today, I had a meeting with my girlfriend, who I live with and work with but on different teams. Both our teams got laid off. FML

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By Noname - 6/3/2009 19:13 - United States

Today, I found out my four best friends are going to Florida for spring break without me. When asked why I was not invited to go with them the answer I received was, "we don't think you would look very good in a bathing suit, and we want to be able to pick up cute guys on the beach." FML

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By geek - 22/7/2015 03:02 - United States - Lynnwood

Today, I had to explain to my boss that DVI ports are not the same as HDMI ports. When I showed him the HDMI cable, he said, "Oh! You mean USB!" He's an engineering manager. FML

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Top comments

By carebear | 0

#8696 - Friday 27 February 2009 18:50

i love how everyone gets grossed out about nose picking.. yet somehow everyone still does it.

By Dayen | 0

#6767 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 1:27

dude, in public?!

well, I agree with #2. learn to be stealthy. you don't see james bond pick his nose now do you.

Comments

By Dayen | 0

#6767 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 1:27

dude, in public?!

well, I agree with #2. learn to be stealthy. you don't see james bond pick his nose now do you.

By carebear | 0

#8696 - Friday 27 February 2009 18:50

i love how everyone gets grossed out about nose picking.. yet somehow everyone still does it.

melifebeaverage | 0

#574931 - Sunday 20 September 2009 0:21

yeah but we don't just suddenly go "let's go find something interesting in our nose" and pick it in public.

bluevayero | 42

#5272689 - Sunday 23 December 2012 8:46

we still do it just because we think noone sees us, not even ourselves

By rofliloveyou | 0

#28820 - Thursday 12 March 2009 22:59

rofl #2

By Shallow_Padentic | 0

#50467 - Sunday 22 March 2009 20:00

rummaging lol

By musicislife11 | 0

#65491 - Saturday 28 March 2009 22:00

hahahahahahaahh

By SiLveRStaRLIGHT | 0

#77747 - Thursday 2 April 2009 21:39

He was probably thinking along the lines of whether you would let him help you or not.

By hottstuff69 | 0

#78819 - Friday 3 April 2009 4:26

YDI you never do it in the open

By MikeLitoris_fml | 0

#200824 - Friday 15 May 2009 7:00

what did you do when you saw your boss looking at you? what did he do?

By onfire916 | 0

#287674 - Wednesday 10 June 2009 1:02

Wow please continue to turn me on.

ilovemaxborseth | 0

#2620857 - Sunday 5 June 2011 0:56

LMFAO:)

By Night22_fml | 4

#322124 - Saturday 20 June 2009 0:09

Did you find those files?