Today, I saw a spider crawling on the floor but had nothing to... - FML

By yuckspider - 20/4/2009 00:17 - United States

Today, I saw a spider crawling on the floor but had nothing to kill it with and it hid somewhere. So, I got dressed and went out and come home for a shower, and as I'm taking off my undies, something crushed and black fell out. It was the spider and he had been in my underwear the entire day. FML

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Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

This ain't working out

Clocked

By Ryanissaur - 19/10/2009 05:34 - Australia

Today, being a music student, a professional orchestra performed a symphony that I wrote and dedicated to my girlfriend. It took months to compose and it the first and only time it was ever going to be played. My girlfriend forgot to come. FML

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By smiles22 - 27/11/2010 06:38 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend has a back-up girl if we break up. FML

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By fxck - 20/7/2012 22:45 - South Africa - Durban

Today, while walking home, I passed some guy loudly whining that foreign imports are destroying our economy, and that we should all be deported. When I pointed out that the mobile phone in his hand was clearly a Samsung, he turned bright red and punched me in the gut. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2014 14:34 - United States - Wallingford

Today, I was mugged. I saw a cop car in the aftermath and flagged it down. Unfortunately, when the cops stopped the mugger, he said he'd been running away because I tried to mug him. Apparently the fact that he was "well-dressed" and I wasn't means he was telling the truth. FML

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By - 30/12/2009 04:34 - France

Today, I just realised that the coworker I refused to leave my wife for is now happily married with someone else, while I'm now divorced. FML

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By Loopy - 7/5/2019 06:00 - Belgium

Today, I had to buy more supplies for the cat my friend asked me to pet sit for 2 weeks. Her 2-week vacation ended over 3 years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2018 05:00

Today, I found a leather book in my husband's sock drawer with "BRO CODE" on the front. It was blank except for the last page, which said, "NICE TRY SUSAN BUT EVERYONE KNOWS BRO CODE IS UNWRITTEN AND FOR GUYS ONLY". Well-played, husband. Well-played. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/3/2011 18:25 - United States

Today, as I couldn't get the airplane seat buckle to buckle, I faced the fact that I've been in denial about how fat I have become. The people in my row faced it too as I began to sob uncontrollably. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/11/2013 20:51 - United States - Lake Stevens

Today, my father took revenge on me for bankrupting him in a game of Monopoly. His revenge consisted of having a truckload of sand dumped in my driveway while I was at work. FML

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By ohforchristssake - 21/9/2015 02:15 - United States - San Francisco

Today, a cute guy I recognized from one of my classes messaged me on a dating site. He wanted help with homework. FML

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By Naulwenn - 23/6/2016 04:25 - France - Groslay

Today, my divorced parents have started sending each other photos of both of my bedrooms, to, “compare the shambles and see who wins.“ FML

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By Peta2nNoMore - 4/7/2009 10:42 - United Kingdom

Today, I came home and found a few of my faux fur coats completely butchered. On my way to interrogate my boys, the only ones home, I found our husky dog, who was recently shaved for an operation, covered in the fur that once belonged to my coat. My boys said 'he was cold'. FML

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By chlorinesmells - 30/5/2012 13:51 - United States

Today, a kid I taught to swim became my new boss, at the pool that I have worked at for nine years. FML

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By blarghhhh - 28/2/2016 14:58 - United States - Owosso

Today, I woke up with the flu. My wife thinks I'm faking it so we don't have to go on date night, even though I've been on the toilet all day. FML

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By RotoRooter - 17/4/2009 07:29 - United States

Today, I was about to get it on with a girl in the bathroom of my friend's house at a party. Just when things started getting heated, a pipe burst. Literally. There was water everywhere and everyone had to evacuate the building. I was cockblocked by poor plumbing. FML

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By whatzthehell - 3/6/2009 10:31 - Kuwait

Today, I woke up with a splitting headache. Then someone at work wouldn't stop whistling loudly and it was getting on my nerves. "Can the dick who is whistling please stop?" I asked. It was the general manager of my department. I'm still on probation. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2011 05:31 - Canada

Today, I was walking down the street and I saw an old man, and me feeling nice I asked him if I could help him cross the street. He responded with: "Only if you let me touch your tits." FML

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By Anonytard - 2/3/2014 22:38 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I tried to kill a spider by throwing a shoe at it. All it did was slice the spider's egg sac open, releasing all its babies. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/12/2013 00:58 - United States - Dekalb

Today, I found out I was passed over for the promotion I've wanted for 9 months at the fast food restaurant I work in. Who got the job? The 16 year old girl I trained 2 weeks ago. Their excuse was, "She has ambition." I'm going to college for food service management. She failed her drug test. FML

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By doodlecrzyMeg - 4/2/2016 18:56 - United States - Mattoon

Today, I had to hide in the closet all morning because my 22-year-old boyfriend didn't want to admit to his parents that he had his girlfriend stay the night. FML

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By Indianagirl94 - 29/10/2012 22:22 - United States

Today, I was woken up by my husband attempting to breastfeed off my lactating nipples. FML

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By ItchItchBaby - 9/9/2017 13:00

Today, 2 hours before a 13-hour flight, I found out I had head lice. I'm a 24-year-old woman. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2017 22:40 - United States - Monroe

A+ for Effort

Today, being Valentine's Day, I went all out for my wife with flowers, a candlelit dinner, and tickets to a broadway show. The flowers arrived dead, the dinner sucked, and my wife hated the show. Afterwards, I tried to be intimate, but apparently I smelled like a shart trapped in a pant leg. FML

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By Samyett - 9/2/2011 19:22 - United States

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend by creating an account on Runescape; his favorite game. After finding him in-game, I started talking to him, not revealing who I was. After a while, I asked him if he had a girlfriend. He promptly said no and asked me for nude pics. FML

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By Anonyme - 12/2/2014 09:47 - France - Aigremont

Today, I watched the Sochi Winter Games online. Excited by an athlete's victory, I yelled out, "YEAH!" to 20-or-so silent coworkers. As if to redeem myself, I then said, "Don't pretend like you're all working you lot!" Our boss was right behind me. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2012 17:15 - United States - Noblesville

Today, I was giving my boyfriend head on the living room couch. Apparently his two cats didn't approve, and they started attacking my face. Luckily for him, since my boyfriend was holding my head down, his privates didn't get a scratch. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2015 04:00 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I told my best friend she looked great in the dress she was wearing. My boyfriend overheard and is now convinced I'm a lesbian. FML

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By RBHSWedgieGirl - 23/1/2011 01:35 - United States

Today, while walking across campus, I stopped to look at my reflection in a window. I straightened my bra straps and then turned to the side to dig a wedgie out. It wasn't until I heard peals of laughter that I realized I couldn't see IN the classroom, but they could see OUT. FML

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By Colbasaur - 24/6/2010 14:29 - United States

Today, I won an academic award during an assembly. Everyone laughed, followed by booing. FML

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By sneezeattack - 14/5/2012 05:27 - United States - Aurora

Today, my boyfriend got so happy when he thought he'd finally given me an orgasm. I was covering an urge to sneeze. FML

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By notpregnant - 17/1/2010 12:20 - Italy

Today, I woke up with a pillow under my t-shirt. Turns out my boyfriend wanted to 'see if I would look hot even when pregnant'. We've been dating for three weeks now. FML

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By ICanExplain - 22/6/2015 20:46 - United States - Sunnyvale

Today, after parking in the handicapped spot of a lot with my placard, an older couple with their 7-year-old grandchild came up and yelled at me for being a lying asshole and taking the parking spot. When I showed them my prosthetic leg, the kid started crying and guess who got yelled at again. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2017 08:00 - Canada - Grand Bay

Today, I thought it would be funny to mow a dick into my grandmother's lawn, but the mower leaked gasoline and now there's a giant dead grass outline. FML

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By dining - 1/9/2014 01:56 - United States - Grinnell

Today, at my dining job, my boss told me the food was "technically illegal to serve," air quotes and all. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2009 23:49 - United States

Today, while driving, I realized I had left my phone on top of my car when I was getting in. Panicking, I drove back to look for it. I found it in the middle of the street, still intact. Yay! When I went back to my car, I noticed I had locked my door. And the keys were in the ignition. FML

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By love_today - 30/5/2010 02:36 - Canada

Today, I got called a f***ing b**ch by one of my students. I teach kindergarten. FML

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By bob the builders pissed off daughter - 29/12/2016 23:52 - United States - Campbell

Today, my dad got drunk and decided to fix everything in the house he thought was broken. Now the oven won't cook, half the floorboards from the stairs are piled in the garden, we put the TV back together but now it is stuck on mute, and we still have no idea where he has put my bedroom door. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2011 08:38 - United States

Today, while in the grocery store my boyfriend said very loudly "Don't make me hit you in public again!" He says things like this every time we are in the grocery store line. The sad part is that it's better than when he says "Are you gonna pay for the stuff you put in your purse?" FML

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By thanksdad - 3/7/2012 01:20 - United States - Beaverton

Today, my dad was helping my fiancé and me move. On the way, someone sideswiped the trailer. When the police came, we found my dad had a suspended license, no insurance, and a broken tail light. No one else could drive a manual, so we were stuck in a parking lot for 3 hours. Thanks, dad. FML

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By wtf bro - 20/3/2020 07:00 - United States - Hesperia

King Dick

Today, after returning from some caveman type "men’s retreat" with his buddies, my husband is now refusing to cook or help out with the house and kids as it’s "women’s work." He also expects to be fetched beer on demand and referred to as "King" from now on. I don’t know rather to laugh or cry. FML

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Top comments

By Seegtease | 0

#126516 - Monday 20 April 2009 9:47

Spider got some ACTION before it died.

By FBIWarning | 0

#126515 - Monday 20 April 2009 9:47

At least you killed it :)

COMMENTS

By FBIWarning | 0

#126515 - Monday 20 April 2009 9:47

At least you killed it :)

Reply

pingpongpickle | 8

#977419 - Saturday 10 April 2010 20:35

ew take a shower

Reply

tdog_ossim | 0

#1614901 - Thursday 28 October 2010 7:26

pics or its fske >:)

Reply

22cute | 17

#4235829 - Friday 30 March 2012 4:37

YDI for killing spiders

Reply

bossman57 | 2

#4728534 - Tuesday 24 July 2012 21:26

The idea of wearing granny panties

By Seegtease | 0

#126516 - Monday 20 April 2009 9:47

Spider got some ACTION before it died.

Reply

popoman | 0

#587330 - Saturday 26 September 2009 5:45

Are you hot?

Reply

brinky09 | 0

#610184 - Thursday 8 October 2009 12:05

Bahh hahaha nice.

I say YDI for not checkin yo undies before putting them on. Fa sho.

Reply

tweetbaby14 | 17

#973974 - Sunday 4 April 2010 15:32

hahaha that's sooo hot jk. I feel bad for the spider we need to throw it a funeral.

Reply

NzxtZ06 | 0

#977102 - Saturday 10 April 2010 7:03

agreed wih 57, If you're hot, that spider got some ass and died happy

Reply

PurpleLlamas | 0

#1088687 - Wednesday 14 July 2010 10:45

158-when you get up in the morning, is the first thing you do check your undies for any spiders? if so you dont get out much

Reply

dabomblyktiktikk | 0

#1091769 - Thursday 15 July 2010 0:40

no but most ppl dont put on underwear with their eyes closed.

By robinhoood | 0

#126518 - Monday 20 April 2009 9:49

Yeah... if it runs for cover under something... jump on that something till no living thing could have survived. o.O

By singer4life666 | 0

#126522 - Monday 20 April 2009 9:48

atleast you got some head.

Reply

Steel_BZ | 8

#3986358 - Friday 3 February 2012 10:50

Girls can get head.. They jus usually don't call it that.

By carmel | 0

#126524 - Monday 20 April 2009 9:49

how did you not notice it crawl up your leg into your undies?

Or did it hide in your undies before you put them on?

I'm surprised it didn't bite you haha

Spider got some ACTION before it died!

By Mnemic | 5

#126526 - Monday 20 April 2009 9:56

See, spiders ain't that scary... ;) How get over your phobia and just set them free outside the house. :-P

By 0___0 | 9

#126529 - Monday 20 April 2009 9:54

O.O I hope it didn't bite you. Or crawl inside.

Reply

joce445 | 0

#1174885 - Monday 2 August 2010 6:31

It fell out of her underwear.

Reply

BunnyBites | 11

#5949778 - Monday 19 May 2014 5:57

What if it laid eggs well up there?

By Inspired22 | 11

#126531 - Monday 20 April 2009 9:55

OH MY GOD. I would flip out! That is so freaky and gross! AHHHH!

By mf_fml | 0

#126532 - Monday 20 April 2009 9:56

THIS IS SO AWFUL AND HILARIOUS.

By doolittle | 0

#126537 - Monday 20 April 2009 9:59

I am TERRIFIED of spiders and just reading this gave me the chills. I am going to throw up now. UGH.