By Anonymous - 17/12/2020 14:07

Leave spiders to chill

Today, I saw a spider in my room. I got a piece of paper to try and put it outside. As I reached, it jumped out of nowhere and landed on my face. My reaction was to smack where the spider was - my face. I fell on the floor disoriented. The spider got away. FML

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And today, on Dr Phil…

Shark-infested offices

Deadly cocktail

By Anonymous - 28/2/2021 00:01 - Puerto Rico - Aguas Buenas

Dad, stop driving my car

Today, my dad was looking for something in the garage and accidentally knocked over a heavy box, which crushed the new side view mirror I'd bought for my car, because the one my car originally had, he smashed it against a pole while driving my car recently. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Westfield

Today, my older brother called me ugly, and so I used the classic comeback ''It's not nice to talk about yourself like that." He responded by cutting the strings to my violin. FML

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By Embarrassed

Today, I managed to give myself a blowjob and it was great. The only problem is that I got stuck between the wall and my bed while I was doing it. I had to call for help and my whole family came to see what was wrong. They all knew what I was doing. FML

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By walllflower - Canada - Saint Catharines

Today, I went paintballing with my siblings. Once we were done, they realised I hadn't been shot at all. They cornered me in the forest and lit me up. I have welts all over my legs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, one of my neighbors dressed up in the exact same costume as me. Every house I go to refuses to give me candy because my neighbor has already been there. FML

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By thefailure - United States

Today, it was my wedding day, and while I was standing next to my husband in front of all of our guests, I was rocking on my heels because I was nervous. I rocked too far and fell backward. My husband didn't come to help me up. He just said at the top of his lungs, "FAIL!" FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I learned that my dad invested my entire college fund into some shady internet stock, despite my dire warnings about being careful. He told me not to worry as he'd done some research, and he guaranteed everything would be fine. Two hours later that same stock dropped almost 75%. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, my boss pulled me aside to chastise me for being "off task" because I was chatting with a co-worker while working on a project. She then spent a half hour chatting with the same person about what daycare she should go to for her new baby. FML

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By - 5/11/2020 23:03

Crashtony Cartano here

Today, my husband sped my car up to 80 in a 30, and almost crashed, which would have killed us both. What did I do to set him off? I played a song he didn't like. FML

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By Go_There - 26/10/2020 02:01 - United States - Madison

Cake, eating it…

Today, I'm in an open marriage and had to admit to myself that I caught feels for my "friend with benefits" who was only interested in the "benefits" part and I had to break it off. I already miss the sex. FML

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By walnutbladder - United States

Today, I realized that every time I hear running water, I have less than a minute to find a toilet or I'll pee my pants. FML

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By dregmanhart

Today, I went out for a 20-minute lunch break. When I returned to the office, I noticed that my personal computer was missing. Someone had walked into the suite on the second floor and stole my computer right off its docking station, while a few of my coworkers were still in the office. FML

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By Kayak - United Kingdom

Today, I was verbally abused by a tourist because neither I nor anyone else in my country can speak "proper English". We're in England - clue's in the name, dipshit. FML

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By Stinky and Single - United States

Today, I was sitting in a secluded corner of a coffee shop and felt extremely gassy. Thinking I'd be safe, I let out a pretty nasty smelling fart. Next thing I know, a cute guy is approaching me and asked my name, but all it took was for him to inhale once and he bolted. FML

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By bm - United States

Today, my mom and I were looking at pictures from the beach. She goes, "That is a REALLY ugly picture of Michelle" (my cousin). The picture was of me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up next to my best friend after lots of drinking and the best sex I've ever had in my life. The only problem is we're both straight males. FML

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By MeaganElizabethM - United States - Steubenville

Today, while on a haunted trail, I accidentally punched a high-schooler in the throat. FML

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By invasive species

Today, my step-mom tried to ground me. I met her just yesterday, when she moved in. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my roommate of seven weeks decided to kick me out. He blames me for the stains on his expensive white leather couch, even after a prof cleaner determined it was red wine. I don't drink red wine. He does. FML

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By Anonymous

Spooky season has begun

Today, I was at work at a kiosk in the mall when I smelled something foul. I thought it was the weird dude who'd just walked by so I just carried on with my work. Minutes later, I looked to my right and there, lying on the floor a few feet from me, was a huge turd wrapped in toilet paper. FML

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By Hollerz90

Red Right Hand

Today, I came home to find my dad in my room, watching porn on my computer. When I asked him what he was doing, he closed the computer, stood up, stared at me awkwardly and then said, "You should really avoid those sites" and left my room. FML

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By Twiddle - Canada

Today, my boyfriend invited me for dinner to meet his parents. Turns out his stepmother is my gynecologist. FML

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By BureaucraticLimbo

Card problem

Today, I was told I can't renew my Identity Card without a Social Security Card, and I can't get a replacement Social Security Card without an Identity Card. FML

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By shugberry - United Kingdom - London

Today, I took my mum on the London Underground. We were standing on the platform, when she suddenly bought up a load of phlegm in her mouth. Instead of trying to find a bin, she just full on spat out the biggest green pile on the floor next to people. FML

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By FreeOfCharge - Canada

Today, I got a client who ordered ice cream. She seemed really nice and I thought maybe she was into me. When I asked if she wanted peanuts for an additional 50 cents, she said no. Trying to be nice, I added them anyway free of charge. I later had to call the ambulance. She was allergic. FML

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By Slowsky - United States - Claremont

Today, I was at the gym on the elliptical. Feeling proud of myself for finishing a very intense workout, I looked to my left to see that the maintenance guy fixing the machine next to me had burned more calories testing the machine than I did during my entire workout. FML

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By notestojenn - United States - Manchester

Today, I walked into my roommate's room to ask him a question, only to see a pitcher with over a pint of urine in it sitting on his bookcase. This is at least the fifth conversation in a year I've had with him about not peeing in containers in his room. FML

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By rawdoglyfe69 - United States - Helena

Today, I learned two things. First, my girlfriend loves sex. Second, I'm practically the only one she hasn't had sex with in the 2 months we've been dating. FML

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By .__. - United States - Saint Paul

Today, my husband and I came clean to his overbearing parents about our private wedding. It started with them accusing him of making rash decisions, and somehow descended into an argument amongst themselves that ended with his mom deciding to divorce his dad. FML

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By crazyk2468 - United States - Buena Park

Today, I found the best cure for constipation is having my brother scare the literal shit out of me, in Walmart. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was smoking while driving. A cop pulled me over and asked if I knew what I did wrong. I thought he could smell the tobacco, so I decided to just admit it. As it turns out, I was going well over the speed limit. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tupelo

Today, my 3-year-old pooped his pants in a public bathroom. As I was squatting down, doing my best to clean poop off of his legs and the floor, a wasp flew up my pant leg. I was stung four times before I danced it out of my pants. FML

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By Crazy Crazy Crazy - Canada - Burlington

Today, my fiancée called off our wedding, because she found out I had sex with another woman. Three years before we even met. FML

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By Pissed - United States - Asheville

Today, I purposefully spilt my 44oz. cup of water on myself at work, because spending the rest of the day in soaking wet pants was less embarrassing than letting people know I'd pissed myself. FML

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By Anonymous

Can't win

Today, my supervisor told me off for doing something. When I reminded her that she told me to do it, she yelled at me for correcting her. FML

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By Lisa - United States - Sedalia

Today, I developed a roll of film I'd had sitting around for years. It was all images my ex had taken of him scrubbing his ass and toilet with my electric toothbrush, which I'd used for at least a month after our breakup. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Gorham

Today, my grandmother saw me for the first time in years. "Not all your clothes have to be as tight as condoms, you tramp," is probably the nicest greeting she's ever given me. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got on a crowded bus and was forced to stand. The bus made a sharp turn, so I reached for a pole to hold onto. Without looking, I grabbed the pole. It was wet and moist, but I nonetheless held on until the turn was done. I turned to see I had also grabbed a large man's nose and had squeezed it. FML

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By Sally - Australia

The struggle is real

Today, my friend told me how depressing it is that she hasn't had sex in two weeks. I haven't had sex in 3 years. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Mitcham

Today, my wife got fired for leaving work early once again. She's been doing random "spot checks" for the past month, convinced that she'll catch me cheating on her. This paranoid crap is exactly why I'm filing for divorce. FML

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Top comments

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7958553 - Thursday 17 December 2020 19:02

I'm sorry you had to burn your face off, but it was the only option you had after it became spider territory.

Next time, I recommend a cup.

By Yogi77 | 8

#7958557 - Thursday 17 December 2020 19:49

I think its a win! Would you rather have spider remains on your face?

COMMENTS

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7958553 - Thursday 17 December 2020 19:02

I'm sorry you had to burn your face off, but it was the only option you had after it became spider territory.

Next time, I recommend a cup.

By Yogi77 | 8

#7958557 - Thursday 17 December 2020 19:49

I think its a win! Would you rather have spider remains on your face?

By Wadlaen | 21

#7958605 - Thursday 17 December 2020 23:44

You'll get him next time!😉