By Anonymous - 17/12/2020 14:07

Leave spiders to chill

Today, I saw a spider in my room. I got a piece of paper to try and put it outside. As I reached, it jumped out of nowhere and landed on my face. My reaction was to smack where the spider was - my face. I fell on the floor disoriented. The spider got away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

648

You deserved it

275

Tweet

Share

And today, on Dr Phil…

OK sweaty, time for a bath

Sensitive

By no - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got in a huge fight with my pregnant wife because I cannot consent to naming our future daughter Paprika. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17452

You deserved it

1335

Tweet

Share

By piercingfreak - New Zealand

Today, I went in to see my piercer. He took one look at my piercing I got a few months ago and laughed saying "What a shit job, I'm sorry but that's pretty crappy because it's not even straight!" I then had to awkwardly explain it was indeed him who had pierced me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35637

You deserved it

4084

Tweet

Share

By cbad - United States

Today, I cut my finger with a plastic knife while demonstrating that you can't cut yourself with a plastic knife. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12982

You deserved it

47921

Tweet

Share

By newhostess - United States

Today, I was training for my new job at a restaurant. As part of training, they give you free food so you know what to reccommend, and the dish I got was really good. Eight hours later I saw it again while I was puking; I got food poisoning from my own place of work. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53824

You deserved it

3400

Tweet

Share

By becca - United States

Today, I woke up to a gift from my boyfriend: a Playboy magazine with a Post-It note that said, "Just a reminder that you're easily replaceable." I think he's still mad at me for beating him on X-box. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30931

You deserved it

3685

Tweet

Share

By EvictingItSoon - 8/3/2020 23:07

The miracle of barf

Today, what I thought was food poisoning is actually a baby. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1621

You deserved it

641

Tweet

Share

By paper towel virgin - United States - Warrensburg

Technologically Challenged

Today, I was using a restroom with automatic sinks and toilets. I assumed the paper towel dispensers were automatic too. I stood there waving my hands like an idiot before a girl walked in, pulled a lever, and made paper towels come out for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22294

You deserved it

40174

Tweet

Share

By Boss Troubles - United States - Anaheim

Today, my boss insisted I go in front of him up the stairs. Out of respect, I insisted he go first. After a few seconds of back and forth insisting, he went. The reason he wanted me to go first was because he had to fart. I inhaled the raunchy gas for over three flights of stairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28752

You deserved it

12318

Tweet

Share

By Sheliton - United States

Today, I learned how awful intertrigo smells. I spent a ton of money and years of my life to become a health care provider apparently to treat the yeast infection between an obese woman's fat folds. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26298

You deserved it

5324

Tweet

Share

By AdoKitty - United States - Redlands

Today, the 4-year-old I was babysitting came up to me all happy, saying she went to the bathroom like a "big girl". Knowing she was just potty trained, I asked if she'd remembered to flush. Looking at me confused, she said, "But it's in my room." FML

I agree, your life sucks

28942

You deserved it

2243

Tweet

Share

By kay - United Kingdom - Maidstone

Today, a homeless guy grabbed me and started ranting that "the Mayans were right" or some shit. He was making about as much sense as Charlie Sheen outside of a padded cell, so I shoved him away. That's when he decided to pull a knife and chase me all the way to my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28854

You deserved it

4334

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Australia - Brighton

Today, I had the cops called on me for acting suspiciously. I was using a payphone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44565

You deserved it

3995

Tweet

Share

By FBfail - United Kingdom

Today, I saw my boyfriend of two years had joined a group on facebook called 'Guys who are proud of their girlfriends'. I smiled and was about to like it when I noticed a comment below from a girl saying "Awww thanks babe :) xxxx". FML

I agree, your life sucks

42550

You deserved it

2984

Tweet

Share

By Noname - Canada

Today, I walked downstairs in a new outfit, after dieting for 3 months, and losing just over 20 pounds. My mom took one look at me and said "You'd better keep going." FML

I agree, your life sucks

50645

You deserved it

3584

Tweet

Share

By maybe next time? - Australia - Greystanes

Today, I was participating in an activity to join a program which I really wanted to join. One of the teachers in charge seemed to notice my efforts and asked if I wanted to join the program. I said yes, thinking I had a chance. She laughed, shook her head before saying no and walking away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12438

You deserved it

885

Tweet

Share

By noworkformeplease

Today, I had to call out of work because I was ill, but they didn't believe me because today was the day I was supposed to come back from vacation. Now I'm stuck at work, constantly running to the bathroom, and they still won't let me go home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5174

You deserved it

360

Tweet

Share

By dumbassbuffet - Canada

Today, I cut my penis on a desk fan. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20707

You deserved it

83825

Tweet

Share

By iltdtsm - Canada

Today, while showering I slipped and fell, taking down the shower curtain and smashing my head against the floor, resulting in a concussion. My family came running because of the noise and I lay naked, bleeding and concussed for few minutes before they could stop laughing enough to get me help. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48122

You deserved it

3233

Tweet

Share

By Jakub89 - Canada

Today, I signed up for an online dating site. In order to prove I was human and complete my registration, I had to pass a CAPTCHA. Coincidentally enough, the words in it were "depressed" and "loser". FML

I agree, your life sucks

34972

You deserved it

7559

Tweet

Share

By bthms - France

Today, I was standing in a queue when an old lady turned, looked straight at me, and asked me to hold her bag. Confused, I took a hold of it. She started screaming for help claiming I was stealing her shopping. Turns out, she was talking to her husband behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32823

You deserved it

3428

Tweet

Share

By

Today, the little bell in my car that lets you know your keys are still in your ignition went out. How did I find out? I locked myself out of both my house and my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1886

You deserved it

536

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Japan - Yokohama

Today, I went to the hospital due to vomiting and abdominal pain, and they decided to fit me with an IV drip. It took several tries by two different people to get the cannula in. I feel like a human pin-cushion. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38750

You deserved it

4483

Tweet

Share

By mile high clubber - United States - Bensalem

Today, while on the airplane, the cute girl next to me and I instantly hit it off. When I excused myself to the bathroom, I must have given her the wrong impression. She wanted to join the mile high club; I just wanted to take a crap. FML

I agree, your life sucks

64988

You deserved it

13622

Tweet

Share

By brokenrelicslost - United States

Today, I realized that I have completely fallen for this incredible guy, and that I am really looking forward to where our relationship will take us. He just informed me that he will be doing jail time following his court date Tuesday. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27932

You deserved it

5803

Tweet

Share

By Beeisc00l - Reserved

Today, I was playing video games at 2am. My guinea pig started squealing at me, and wouldn't stop until I turned out the lights and got into bed. I'm 20 years old, and I've let a rodent dictate my bedtime. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30527

You deserved it

22426

Tweet

Share

By Toothless_Lasagna

Today, my boyfriend and roommate got into a fist fight over a magic trick. They ended up putting a huge hole in the wall that's going to be expensive to fix. We're renting my boss's house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3338

You deserved it

416

Tweet

Share

By and she doesn't even give bjs - Argentina - Buenos Aires

Today, I watched The Passion of the Christ with my girlfriend. She kept scoffing at what she called the "historical inaccuracies", and actually tried to convince me that Hitler killed Jesus. When I corrected her, she looked at me, mouth agape, as if I was insane. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37099

You deserved it

5213

Tweet

Share

By flipnazn - United States

Today, my dog was scooped up by an owl. FML

I agree, your life sucks

61612

You deserved it

10096

Tweet

Share

By Jeri - United States

Today, the day of my 29th birthday and two weeks after our 10th wedding anniversary, the only thing my husband got me for my birthday was divorce papers. Happy birthday, bitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35556

You deserved it

4917

Tweet

Share

By backfat

Baby Got Back

Today, while in bed, my fiancé rolled over in the dark and complimented me on my nice buttocks. He had actually grabbed a roll of back fat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3577

You deserved it

1036

Tweet

Share

By seb21 - United States

Today, I called my dad to inform him I was coming home from college for the weekend. Expecting him to be excited, he responded with "why?" This weekend was my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42410

You deserved it

2299

Tweet

Share

By catsonuincorns - United States - Clovis

Today, I was in a car accident with my dad. A wheel slammed into my door, dislocating my arm and breaking it in three places. Later on, the people who hit us came over and gave my little sister a gift basket. She wasn't even in the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4412

You deserved it

225

Tweet

Share

By Ban Hammered - United States - New York

Today, I babysat my neighbor's twin 4-year-old girls again. When I took them out for lunch, they apparently had been addressing themselves as "my bitches", taught to them by their devil spawn 13-year-old brother. Everyone, including Chuck E. Cheese himself, was not pleased. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12308

You deserved it

852

Tweet

Share

By aelia_oups - France - Taverny

Today, as I have been for 10 years, I'm allergic to fruit. After an argument with my mother, she yelled, "Here, have a banana and go kill yourself!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

52217

You deserved it

7512

Tweet

Share

By suspicious - United States

Today, I received a lovely letter from the council telling me I have to cease the act of "breeding and selling cats" because someone from my Facebook reported me. I'm pretty sure I've never owned a cat or had one in my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45065

You deserved it

2936

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 7/6/2020 05:05

Baked

Today, I was supposed to have my first job interview for a bakery franchise. Turns out all the applications are submitted to every store, and I was called to the wrong one. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1305

You deserved it

98

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, I had guests over for a Christmas party. One of them wore new blue jeans and managed to get large dye stains on three different walls. They won't come off. Guess who has to paint his living room again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6883

You deserved it

483

Tweet

Share

By pipers - United States - Northfield

Today, I spent several hundred dollars having our pipes and septic system fixed. Tonight, I watched my husband pour about a half-liter of bacon grease into the sink. Better keep the septic guy on speed dial. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1978

You deserved it

246

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Chilly

Today, my window got busted and won't shut properly. I live in a college dorm room and maintenance says they can't fix it for a couple of days. It's below freezing in my dorm and I can see my breath while trying sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30318

You deserved it

2615

Tweet

Share

By Boo - United Kingdom

Today, my new neighbor informed me with great relish that the house I have just bought is haunted because 30 years ago a man shot himself in the kitchen. I'm now paying a huge mortgage on a house I'm frightened to be alone in. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26640

You deserved it

9034

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7958553 - Thursday 17 December 2020 19:02

I'm sorry you had to burn your face off, but it was the only option you had after it became spider territory.

Next time, I recommend a cup.

By Yogi77 | 5

#7958557 - Thursday 17 December 2020 19:49

I think its a win! Would you rather have spider remains on your face?

COMMENTS

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7958553 - Thursday 17 December 2020 19:02

I'm sorry you had to burn your face off, but it was the only option you had after it became spider territory.

Next time, I recommend a cup.

By Yogi77 | 5

#7958557 - Thursday 17 December 2020 19:49

I think its a win! Would you rather have spider remains on your face?

By Wadlaen | 19

#7958605 - Thursday 17 December 2020 23:44

You'll get him next time!😉

By tabby cat tidbit | 7

#7958721 - Friday 18 December 2020 14:43

you're not seriously hurt and it's bad luck to kill spiders, so it's not all bad.