Today, I'm trapped in my apartment. My new cat won't let me leave. Every time I try, he blocks the door, hisses and tries to savage me. I'm my own cat's bitch. FML
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Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, my cat somehow managed to lock me out of my apartment by jumping on the doorknob while I was taking the trash out. I had to call a locksmith, and now it's like my cat won't even come near at me, like I betrayed him for allowing a stranger into our home. FML
Today, I'm trapped in my apartment, due to the fact that five raccoons have decided to sit outside my only door and prevent me from getting out. Every time I look at one, they hiss at me. FML
Today, out of boredom, I built my cat a little fort. Later, I tried to crawl inside to pet her, but as soon as I stuck my head in, she clawed me. I guess I'm not allowed in, then. FML
Today, my cat managed to lock my dad and me outside of our house. FML
Today, the crazy son of a bitch who lives next door to me once again got into a loud, rather one-sided argument with his cat. Twenty minutes later, he knocked on my door, asking if he could stay at my place for a couple of days. The look he gave me when I said no has me fearing for my life. FML
Today, there's a stray black cat in my apartment complex. It had badly bitten me two months ago and I had to get several injections. Today the same cat barged into my flat when I opened the door to receive a delivery, and it attacked my cat. I barely managed to fight and push him out of my flat. FML
Today I opened the door for my cat and he brought in a rat with him. Now the rat is hiding in my house. FML
Today, she did it again. While I was minding my own business reading the paper, she casually walked up to me and slashed my face with her nails, drawing blood and screams of pain. I need to get out of this abusive relationship, but no one will adopt my asshole of a cat. FML
Today, I have a cat with separation anxiety. By this, I mean whenever I go in another room and shut the door with her outside, she uses her head as a battering ram to try and break down the door. It's fun trying to sleep too. FML
Today, my cat wanted to go out. She watched me open the front door, leave it open while I got something from the car then come back inside. She then insisted on going out the back door. I'm a slave to a cat. FML
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Top comments
confusedAsFuck 34
Pussy blocked
Pleonasm 35
Laser Pen that bastard into a bin and voilà.
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Comments (189)
Eivana 37
If you submit to being a cat's bitch, then YDI. Take charge, you pussy.
acetl87 12
this no you're leaving? No.
soulsfirefly 8
Here's what you do, OP. Cats need time to adjust to new homes. If your kitty has access to your whole apartment/house early on, that's too much. Choose a quiet room for your kitty and set up a bed in a closet or other enclosed space there. Put the litter box and food in there as well, and make that your kitty's "home," also known as a "sanctuary room." The key is that kitty has a place to hide where s/he doesn't need to directly face anyone or feel threatened. This gives kitty time to smell the different smells and hear the different sounds more slowly. You should visit your kitty every day. Wait for kitty to approach you, rather than approaching yourself. Bring treats and new toys to make your visits positive. If kitty still seems stressed, you should check out a plug-in diffuser called "Feliway." When you plug it in, it produces a scent that signals safety to a cat. It's the same as the scent from the glands on their face that they use to mark their territory as safe. (When you see a cat rubbing his or her face on something, that's what's happening.) My current rescue kitty started out aggressive as well, and we get along quite well now. You can do it! When your kitty shows interest in the door of the sanctuary room and has reduced aggression, you can slowly expand access to other rooms--but always maintain access to the sanctuary! A lot of kitties get aggressive when they are over-stimulated. I've worked in rescue, in shelters and in vet clinics. Stressed kitties can be calmed. :)
djsammyc 19
thats one bad pussy
TogeBara 12
This cat is obviously possessed by a demon. Climb out your window and down the fire escape then drive to your nearest church. Get the highest level priest you can find to bless some water for you thus making it holy. Place the now holy water into a spray bottle or squirt gun. Go back home and go through the front door to force the demon to show itself to you. Proceed to spray the holy water on the cat. Aim for the ears and head. Note: If holy water is unobtainable, municipal tap water may be substituted to get the same effect.
Thorzix 23
As much as I love cats, if it's like that, kick the **** out of it, put it in its place...
AerBear115 15
Poor kitty. His last owner probably left him and never came back. Did you adopt him? I'm sorry. Try cuddling and talking to him.
MrMillz 6
the only excuse for this is if your "cat" is a tiger
candiighal1121 14
meow bitch neow !
Otaku31 19
I had a dog that used to do that. I started carrying a squirt gun around. It worked :/