By aherdofpigs - 02/09/2013 19:22 - United States

Today, I'm trapped in my apartment. My new cat won't let me leave. Every time I try, he blocks the door, hisses and tries to savage me. I'm my own cat's bitch. FML
I agree, your life sucks 50 027
You deserved it 21 036

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Laser Pen that bastard into a bin and voilà.


I think you mean twat-swatted

Listen to your cat. Cats are God. Do NOT disobey or you will be smited!

I knew there was going to be so many pussy jokes, I just knew it.

hiss hiss motherfucker

#79, dogs are gods if anything with 'dog' being 'god' backwards and all...

I guess you could say your......pussy whipped

Just move it. Are you too pussy to face a pussy?

There's a few pussies I'm even pussy enough to put my face near those pussies. Pussy. Sorry, I had to add another pussy to my pussy rant about those god damn stinky pussies!

25 - Annndd you killed it.

I won't lie, #2, I work with cats and I know just how much damage and angry cat can do, and the nasty infections that can come from their bites and scratches. That being said, OP could probably grab a blanket and throw it over the cat to move it to another room.

Kill the devil cat.

This is why we can't have nice things.

You tried to be funny, you failed, and you ended up sounding like a heartless asshole.

Don't worry man, I thought it was funny since I know what satire is unlike these fools. No one is really going to kill the poor thing, you just wanted to make a joke. People need to take things less seriously.

Because the death of a pet should be taken lightly and with about no?

So when you hear a joke about a rabbi walking into a bar, you instantly think or anti-

Laser Pen that bastard into a bin and voilà.

Or the washing machine. At least that has a window so you can watch the little furry shit.

You Evil Mastermind

I didn't say to turn it on..

I vote a shower cabinet... Water torture that vile cat!

Looks like someone's pussy whipped.

Buy another car to keep him accompanied

How, when OP can't even leave the apartment?

Maybe, but then he'd have to add the cat as an additional driver on his insurance and that can get expensive.

I think he was autocorrected. My phone hates cats too.

8- A fire escape, perhaps?

Cat premiums are through the roof right now, too. Plus,.if he's under 4 you've got a teen driver. Ugh, FYL OP!

Also, I must add that my bottom ad is now Geico which killed me.

How do you know the cat is even feline like driving?

Aww how cute, it loves you!

more like i love you so much that no one can have you

The Japanese have a term for this kind of love.. Yandere.

If I had a dollar for every pussy pun made on here, I'd be rolling in dough x]

If you got laid for every pussy pun on here you'd be rollin in the pussy.

Well considering 9 is female and most likely straight, I'm pretty sure she would be rolling in D instead.

Can you imagine a ball pit of disembodied penises? What would it feel like? How terrible would it smell?

51, that is quite a disturbing thought!

Unless she's bi, then she's rolling in puddles of joy.

Lol seriously guys, I'd prefer to not roll in any kind of genitals. I'm happy with just the invisible money:)

C'mon. I'm sure at one point in our lives, we've all thought of the best way to dispose of a body/human remains. I can honestly say that I have & instead of allowing a wave of absolute rage to wash over me and consume me, I imagine the cause that triggered my sudden blind rage in a million pieces. If you know the secret to "hiding" a corpse or dismembered body parts, for heavens sake keep your mouth shut.

#70 What the hell are you talking about?

I strongly suggest investing in cat nip. Or a priest.

How, when OP can't leave the apartment? I don't think they deliver cat nip, or priests.

It's amazing what you can purchase when you shop online...

thats probably not going to help, since OP can't leave their apartment. How would they check the mail?

You can most definitely call a priest and ask him to come over, though most wouldn't unless you are family or a very close friend. They tend not to believe that animals have souls and therefore cannot be possessed.

lol gotta sneak out. lock it in the bedroom amd leave.

they make crates for animals.

hmm this is true. maybe if that cat thinks he is taking him with him?