Animals: Today, my cat managed to lock my dad and me outside of our house.... - FML

By Anonymous - 22/10/2009 02:58 - United States

Today, my cat managed to lock my dad and me outside of our house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 732

You deserved it 6 932

BO Central

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Kids are assholes to each other

Babyface

By all tweened out - 20/02/2015 20:00 - Canada

Today, I drove alone for the first time since I passed my test. I kept getting weird looks from other drivers and got pulled over by a cop. He said I was clearly underage and was sure my license was fake. Almost half an hour later, he finally let me go. I hate having a baby-face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 880

You deserved it 2 729

By Jenna Berreth - 01/08/2019 16:00

Today, being my usual clumsy self, I slipped on the stairs and landed on my tailbone. Hard. Now, I can't even sit up. I have to drive to school and sit on a very hard plastic chair for four and a half hours tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 451

You deserved it 135

By Anonymous - 07/03/2012 06:29 - United States

Today, I was cooking and I burned my thumb. I had some first-aid burn spray, so I sprayed it on. I went outside to smoke a cigarette, and when I flicked my lighter, my thumb went up in flames. Turns out that first-aid burn spray is flammable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 289

You deserved it 45 960

By Anonymous - 10/01/2011 19:06 - Denmark

Today, I decided to try a self-tanning lotion my friend had recommended. I put it on, and decided to take a nap. I woke up later and checked myself in the mirror, expecting to see a new, more tanned version of myself. I didn't. I'm now orange. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 567

You deserved it 39 883

By bruisedandconfused - 12/02/2019 12:25 - United States - Aberdeen

Today, two days after sending her flowers for Valentine's Day, my dream girl asked me on a date. She didn't show up. Her boyfriend did though. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 187

You deserved it 10 757

By Anonymous - 17/01/2012 11:57 - United States

Today, I found out the girl I've been fooling around with for two weeks has a boyfriend, who is in jail, and is a member of the Aryan Brotherhood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 675

You deserved it 7 398

By Anonymous - 22/07/2009 18:41 - United States

Today, I decided to dress up a little to go out to the bar. I put on a nice shirt, some leggings and heels. When I walked out the door my dad said that I looked like a whore. When I got to my boyfriends house I told him what my dad had said and he replied "I'd have to agree with him." FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 600

You deserved it 62 170

By sadgf - 25/02/2009 21:12 - United States

Today, my boyfriend said that being with me was his payment for past sins. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 636

You deserved it 6 097

By Anonyme - 26/09/2014 06:56 - France - Saint-di

Today, my husband felt dishonoured: his darling little girl, the love of his life, whom he's always considered pure, turns out to be pregnant. He's now warned her: she's grounded and that whoever did this to her had better not come hanging round the house. Pussy, two years old, is now housebound until her kittens are born. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 818

You deserved it 6 116

Late arrival

By Nikki Lynn Richardson - 18/05/2020 02:00

Today, I went to the store to go buy a pregnancy test because my period was 7 days late. I get home, go into the bathroom, pull down my underwear, pee and come to find out I'd started my period when I looked at it after peeing on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 380

You deserved it 291

By it's a wonder I'm not illiterate as fuck - 12/04/2013 17:21 - United States - Roselle

Today, my school announced its senior motto for the year. For the second year in a row, it's "YOLO". FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 922

You deserved it 5 862

By twatstick - 21/08/2013 17:30 - United Kingdom - Worksop

Today, at work, I had to utter the phrase, "Sir, please stop rubbing yourself with the peas." It's exactly how it sounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 680

You deserved it 3 351

By me - 02/01/2016 08:25 - United States - Opelousas

Today, I visited my boyfriend's uncle's house for a party. His 8 year old cousin started asking if I like penis, so my reaction was to laugh, spitting my drink on her and her new dress. She can't pronounce peanuts, and I can't visit anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 320

You deserved it 3 789

By hello - 11/07/2010 00:57 - Jordan

Today, I was so bored at a family gathering that I pretended to be busy texting the whole time. I don't know what's worse, that I'm not close to anyone in my family, or that I have no one close enough to text to about such things. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 280

You deserved it 8 792

By fordn4h - 13/12/2010 05:32 - United States

Today, my ex-girlfriend, who is obviously still in love with me, is best friends with my mom. Now every time I come home, she is over. She even spent 4 hours helping us decorate our Christmas tree, and now she is telling my little sister about our love life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 434

You deserved it 5 169

By Disappointed - 19/02/2014 21:33 - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, after 10 months of hard work, it was the opening night of the show I was directing. Everybody loved it, except my mother. She called it the worst thing she'd ever seen. Thanks for the support, mum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 910

You deserved it 3 406

By blawbo - 18/02/2009 23:52 - United States

Today, I went to McDonald's for lunch and ordered a salad. The man behind the counter looked at me and said "Well, at least you're trying." FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 565

You deserved it 9 204

Issues

By Anonymous - 04/06/2020 05:00

Today, I woke up from a vivid dream in which I murdered my entire family. It took 20 minutes after waking up, drenched in sweat and tears, to realize I'm not a murderer and my life is OK. This dream is recurring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 890

You deserved it 143

By Anonymous - 01/01/2010 10:29 - United States

Today, I thought my family would like it if I celebrated the new year with them. My brother thought that I'd like him to shoot my butt with his new gun in celebration. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 034

You deserved it 2 695

By Anonymous - 29/12/2010 16:30 - Sweden

Today, I saw a girl on the subway that I knew so I started waving frantically. She gave me a really weird expression and moved quickly away from me. Then I realised that I only knew her because I had stalked her Facebook once. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 883

You deserved it 54 092

By justnance - 22/12/2011 18:04 - United Kingdom

Today, I used so many different perfume testers that I passed out on the bus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 807

You deserved it 35 708

By weirdedout - 24/05/2010 15:14 - United States

Spicy

Today, while sitting at a red light, my mother asks "Do you have any intimacy questions?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 559

You deserved it 5 215

Exercise One

By blah - 02/06/2020 23:00

Spicy

Today, while cuddling with my boyfriend, he started humping my leg and said, "I'm gonna hump the fatness out of you and make you beautiful." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 141

You deserved it 378

By ugly duckling - 06/08/2015 19:18 - United States - Reston

Today, feeling very self-conscious about my looks, I told my mom I felt ugly and wished I could be as beautiful as her. She only said, "Yeah, I'm pretty, I wonder what happened to you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 967

You deserved it 3 131

By lolgarbl - 26/02/2009 17:05 - United States

Today, I had a performance evaluation meeting with my boss. He told me I was the best in my department, and that the productivity has never been higher before I started working here. Oh, and he said that because everything is working so well, they don't need me as much, so he's cutting my hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 182

You deserved it 2 755

By Username - 17/03/2011 04:04

Today, my daughter went potty. Just as she always does, she came up to me and announced, "I flushed, and wiped, and shut the light off." Then she did something brand new. She covered my face with her hand and asked, "Do these fingers smell?" They did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 757

You deserved it 5 223

Dick appointment

By Anonymous - 20/10/2020 21:01 - Canada - Spruce Grove

Spicy

Today, I walked out halfway through a much anticipated dick appointment because it became apparent that he thought my clit was located somewhere on my upper thigh. He kept rubbing it and moaning, "Oooooh, I bet you like that, baby." No, sir, I certainly did not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 427

You deserved it 246

By aaaaaaaaasssssssssssssss - 26/08/2015 13:55 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was washing my face like I normally do. My mom walked by as I was wiping my face and said "That's the washcloth I use to wipe my ass!" My dad and brothers are now only addressing me as "Assface." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 927

You deserved it 2 497

By Ari - 08/09/2018 23:30

Today, my daughter couldn't find a hair tie and thought a piece of duct tape would be a perfectly fine substitute. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 788

You deserved it 354

By T-Bear - 07/10/2015 15:02 - United States - College Station

Spicy

Today, I'm staying at my grandparents' house. I went upstairs to grab my sketchbook to show off to my grandma. My grandpa is half-deaf, which I guess explains how he didn't hear me. I heard him though, jerking off and muttering the most disgusting sexual things about "Tara." I'm Tara. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 802

You deserved it 2 207

By Mandy93 - 20/12/2012 13:57 - Germany - Reipoltskirchen

Today, my mother has stooped to a new level of "hiding" Christmas gifts. She now just dumps them in the middle of the floor and says, "Don't look at them." If she even thinks I'm glancing in the direction of the pile, she will burst into a manic rage, and yell at me for "ruining the surprise." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 118

You deserved it 7 676

By unlucky - 27/10/2011 08:06 - United States

Today, I was jogging around the neighborhood when I saw an old man on his porch. Being friendly, I waved at him as I ran by. Apparently his idea of greeting someone is pelting them with stones. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 277

You deserved it 2 726

By Anonymous - 24/05/2012 02:47 - United States - Newark

Today, after dieting, rigorous exercising and a major lifestyle change, I have finally reached my fitness goal. My parents were more excited about my 17-year-old brother getting to 3rd base with his girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 136

You deserved it 3 103

By flowerman - 26/12/2011 17:56 - United States

Today, I had to drive my girlfriend to the hospital because she had a severe allergic reaction to the flowers I brought her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 962

You deserved it 5 198

By Guntherdog - 27/06/2013 15:17 - United States

Today, my fiancée decided to go on a "vacation." Our wedding is tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 795

You deserved it 4 042

By Anonymous - 15/03/2010 17:38 - Ireland

Today, I realised I spend more time and receive more satisfaction talking on the phone with Chinese take away than talking to my wife in person. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 129

You deserved it 23 483

By notenough - 29/08/2009 04:27 - United States

Today, I was on the webcam with my boyfriend. I could see that he was on the couch, and alone, so I took off my shirt and smiled, waiting to see his reaction. He smiled at me but then kept looking in another direction. I playfully asked "What's so distracting?" His answer: "History Channel". FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 317

You deserved it 10 054

By awkwardencounters - 12/11/2013 11:18 - United States - Belleville

Today, at the gym, I realized the guy who has been staring at me for the past 3 days is the same guy I promised to text back 5 months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 206

You deserved it 49 219

That's gross, dude

By Anonymous - 31/10/2020 23:02

Spicy

Today, it's Saturday and a planned date night for my partner and me. He's not showered since Tuesday and was surprised that I requested that he to do so ahead of getting intimate. And he wonders why our sex life isn't better… FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 175

You deserved it 162

By xRyu - 09/10/2014 00:30 - United States - Denver

Today, I found out via a voicemail from my boss that my hours are being cut. He said, "They said I can't fire you, so you'll only be getting 20 hours a week. Starting today." Who'd they give my other 20 hours to? The one person that calls off sick almost daily and is never on time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 166

You deserved it 2 833

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Thursday 22 October 2009 9:26

what's so odd about that? my dog runs a lock smith co, you should of call him.

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Thursday 22 October 2009 9:25

If a cat and door lock can so easily lock you out, you might want to leave a key with a neighbor who is smarter than their pets.

Comments

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Thursday 22 October 2009 9:17

A HA FUCK YOU ALL FIRST YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

emilysanftwsom 0

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Thursday 22 October 2009 9:19

Does it feel as good as you'd hope? And I don't get how a cat can lock someone out of a house. Explain plz.

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Thursday 22 October 2009 9:20

So you wrote "alkdjpab" because you wanted to make sure you were first and then come back and edit it. You wouldnt want look like an idiot and write "first" only to find out you were 2nd or 3rd?

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Thursday 22 October 2009 9:28

It should be "my dad and me."

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Thursday 22 October 2009 12:12

#9 is a grammar nazi does anyone feel how Andy Griffiths-esque this story is? OP: did you go dress as mudmen and then get to your dads work?

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Thursday 22 October 2009 16:00

This hapened to me too. But it was my dog.

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Thursday 22 October 2009 22:57

And to think that I was about to give kudos to OP for having proper grammar... Kudos to you, Ox_Baker

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Monday 26 October 2009 9:39

It should actually be "my dad and I"

ohgoodness1344 0

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Tuesday 27 October 2009 8:14

I'm confused it does say "me"... did he edit..? and dude why on earth would you think that would be an I... that'd be like saying "my cat locked I out of the house" doesn't make much sense does it now.... dumb people go back to 2nd grade

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Wednesday 28 October 2009 3:39

he's right actually. in the case where you are speaking of yourself and another individual, grammatically you would say "my dad and I" to refer to the other person and yourself. Your example actually proves why you would say "my dad and I". that's how you check. You're right, it doesn't work, that's where you say me. So you can't talk.

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Monday 15 March 2010 6:02

GRAMMAR NAZI!!!!!!!!!!! get out of here! and how the hell did tht happen? F in awesome cat you've got there

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Tuesday 30 March 2010 14:56

u have smart kitty put him in a spelling kitty

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Friday 2 July 2010 16:20

Andy griffeth mud men!

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Sunday 1 August 2010 3:37

gotta be smarter than the cat

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Tuesday 3 August 2010 6:06

It should be my dad and me. Fucking idiots...

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Wednesday 18 August 2010 5:50

it's my dad and I smart one XD

omgYoUbasTards 0

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Sunday 22 August 2010 19:33

lmao 112 took me a min to get that! op has a super pussy apparently

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Friday 22 October 2010 6:22

it's dad and me idiots stop trying to sound smart with dad and I

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Monday 21 November 2011 5:49

i wish they wouldnt of moderated this so i would know wat the hell yall are talking about

foolishworkerbee 0

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Thursday 22 October 2009 9:18

holy moly, that's just amazing.

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Sunday 1 January 2012 23:19

LIKE A BOSS

ProfessionalTrol_fml 14

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Wednesday 23 May 2012 21:29

That was no accident....

MiniatureMayhem 0

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Thursday 22 October 2009 9:18

How??

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Thursday 22 October 2009 9:18

At least you got it unlocked,eventually.

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Thursday 22 October 2009 9:25

If a cat and door lock can so easily lock you out, you might want to leave a key with a neighbor who is smarter than their pets.

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Saturday 14 November 2009 10:25

Epic!

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Thursday 22 October 2009 9:26

what's so odd about that? my dog runs a lock smith co, you should of call him.

ralucanicoleta 0

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Friday 23 October 2009 13:04

hahahahahaha pmsl.

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Thursday 22 October 2009 9:32

good kitty.

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Friday 23 October 2009 19:01

I love this fml :D

israelnotjacob 20

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Thursday 22 October 2009 9:32

If this is even real, it's definitely a YDI, because there's no way the cat truly did that by itself. That would only be possible if you did something stupid where you could get locked out just by one little thing getting bumped. I'm pretty sure this is just a lie to begin with though.

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Thursday 22 October 2009 12:59

You underestimate cats >>.

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Thursday 22 October 2009 16:04

No. My back door is one of those sliders with just a flip down and it will lock. My dog was jumping and he hit the switch locking us out. Could happen with a cat too.

Sun_Kissed18 25

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Friday 23 October 2009 1:51

#51, Happened to me with my dogs too, I could see it happening with a cat. Its not too much of a stretch.

redbluegreen 40

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Thursday 22 October 2009 9:37

I feel the OP's pain. My cat has managed to do this before, as well as unlock and open doors by himself.

Darling_Cherry 5

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Thursday 22 October 2009 9:39

Cats are awesome. My cat used to switch lights off.

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26

You deserved it 16

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 87

You deserved it 7

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I'm on day 11 of having COVID. My husband said to me, "I hope you get better soon so we can finally have sex again." Thanks for being concerned about MY health and wellbeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 373

You deserved it 78

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 130

You deserved it 87