Today, I'm trapped in my apartment. My new cat won't let me leave. Every time I try, he blocks the door, hisses and tries to savage me. I'm my own cat's bitch. FML
Collection
Wild Nights Out
Last call, bad decisions and 3 a.m. texts you'll regret until noon. Cheers.
Today, my cat somehow managed to lock me out of my apartment by jumping on the doorknob while I was taking the trash out. I had to call a locksmith, and now it's like my cat won't even come near at me, like I betrayed him for allowing a stranger into our home. FML
Today, I'm trapped in my apartment, due to the fact that five raccoons have decided to sit outside my only door and prevent me from getting out. Every time I look at one, they hiss at me. FML
Today, out of boredom, I built my cat a little fort. Later, I tried to crawl inside to pet her, but as soon as I stuck my head in, she clawed me. I guess I'm not allowed in, then. FML
Today, my cat managed to lock my dad and me outside of our house. FML
Today, the crazy son of a bitch who lives next door to me once again got into a loud, rather one-sided argument with his cat. Twenty minutes later, he knocked on my door, asking if he could stay at my place for a couple of days. The look he gave me when I said no has me fearing for my life. FML
Today, there's a stray black cat in my apartment complex. It had badly bitten me two months ago and I had to get several injections. Today the same cat barged into my flat when I opened the door to receive a delivery, and it attacked my cat. I barely managed to fight and push him out of my flat. FML
Today I opened the door for my cat and he brought in a rat with him. Now the rat is hiding in my house. FML
Today, she did it again. While I was minding my own business reading the paper, she casually walked up to me and slashed my face with her nails, drawing blood and screams of pain. I need to get out of this abusive relationship, but no one will adopt my asshole of a cat. FML
Today, I have a cat with separation anxiety. By this, I mean whenever I go in another room and shut the door with her outside, she uses her head as a battering ram to try and break down the door. It's fun trying to sleep too. FML
Today, my cat wanted to go out. She watched me open the front door, leave it open while I got something from the car then come back inside. She then insisted on going out the back door. I'm a slave to a cat. FML
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Top comments
confusedAsFuck 34
Pussy blocked
Pleonasm 36
Laser Pen that bastard into a bin and voilà.
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Comments (189)
Omniprism 15
Catnip.
Gargoyl 10
You should watch a few episodes of My Cat From Hell on Animal Planet; taught me a few things about cat behavior :)
figgypies 4
got a spray bottle? or a water bottle? I'd get my revenge big I were you
control_machete 1
beat that pussy
blackonblight 33
Why does a new pet have the run of the place? First week or so should be confined to a single room, most cats I've had it's been a bathroom, but the most recent pair it was my bedroom, as we had the crate leftover from housebreaking a golden retriever on hand. Solid plastic bottom with plenty of room so even if the litter box spilled none got on my carpet. But, seriously, until you've got the cat used to things, one room, with maybe a short trip around to explore right before feeding. Think of your home as the cats new town. When you first move to a new town, you generally don't go rushing off everywhere the first day. You get moved in. You stay around your house for a while. Exploring happens once you've settled in.
inuar 7
guess I wasn't the only one who thought pussy jokes would be good on this
JoseIsAdork 31
might I suggest going and buying a high potency type of cat nip to make the cat a wee bit more mellow... who knows... they have some type of kitty chronic or something.... what ever you do... don't show fear, the cat will end up calling every shot haha. they are cute but pure evil...
tririver_fml 1
Don't you know she just saved your life??? There was a falling flowerpot waiting for you!! And your cat smelled the hooded men who held a scythe.
wafflefriez91 17
Exactly why i dont own a cat and i am allergic and i just think cats are evil. Dogs are better.
Kelseyismynamee 2
Don't worry, Liam Neeson will come and save you. :)