Today, I'm trapped in my apartment. My new cat won't let me leave. Every time I try, he blocks the door, hisses and tries to savage me. I'm my own cat's bitch. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my cat somehow managed to lock me out of my apartment by jumping on the doorknob while I was taking the trash out. I had to call a locksmith, and now it's like my cat won't even come near at me, like I betrayed him for allowing a stranger into our home. FML
Today, I'm trapped in my apartment, due to the fact that five raccoons have decided to sit outside my only door and prevent me from getting out. Every time I look at one, they hiss at me. FML
Today, out of boredom, I built my cat a little fort. Later, I tried to crawl inside to pet her, but as soon as I stuck my head in, she clawed me. I guess I'm not allowed in, then. FML
Today, my cat managed to lock my dad and me outside of our house. FML
Today, the crazy son of a bitch who lives next door to me once again got into a loud, rather one-sided argument with his cat. Twenty minutes later, he knocked on my door, asking if he could stay at my place for a couple of days. The look he gave me when I said no has me fearing for my life. FML
Today, there's a stray black cat in my apartment complex. It had badly bitten me two months ago and I had to get several injections. Today the same cat barged into my flat when I opened the door to receive a delivery, and it attacked my cat. I barely managed to fight and push him out of my flat. FML
Today I opened the door for my cat and he brought in a rat with him. Now the rat is hiding in my house. FML
Today, she did it again. While I was minding my own business reading the paper, she casually walked up to me and slashed my face with her nails, drawing blood and screams of pain. I need to get out of this abusive relationship, but no one will adopt my asshole of a cat. FML
Today, I have a cat with separation anxiety. By this, I mean whenever I go in another room and shut the door with her outside, she uses her head as a battering ram to try and break down the door. It's fun trying to sleep too. FML
Today, my cat wanted to go out. She watched me open the front door, leave it open while I got something from the car then come back inside. She then insisted on going out the back door. I'm a slave to a cat. FML
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Top comments
confusedAsFuck 34
Pussy blocked
Pleonasm 36
Laser Pen that bastard into a bin and voilà.
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Comments (189)
chisty87 16
I'll write it in stead of clicking it up there...You Fucken Deserve It
tracyswingkid 8
Put a treat every four feet leading to the other side of your apartment and you will be golden.
DKjazz 20
"Ooh, piece of candy. Ooh, piece of candy.".
BobbieH 19
First you're a cat owner; that alone puts you in hole as far as I'm concerned. Then to allow your cat to keep you from doing anything is ridiculous. Its a cat, you are the owner, deal with your animal!
JanisEvans 10
You don't own cats. They own you.
evolute72113 9
That cat b pipin
Angelofnv 2
An apple?
peacefully84 19
Spray bottle of water... or, failing that, a glass of water. He'll run away before he can scratch you.
MysteryGuest214 10
Very much this. It's a remarkable cat that can stand up to a glass of water in the face.
nyxiny 22
Squirt bottle. Cat needs to be taught boundaries, and fast, or else he/she will develop more habits like this. Then, when you are free to, spend some quality affection time with him, making sure he/she understands you still love him and just have to leave sometimes. If you aren't able to teach your pet basic rules, you and your pet are going to live a mutually unhappy life together.
Pinkfun69 4
That is simply amazing!!
Ziggy122 15
Cats are jerks.
srogue74 5
or... you can kick it with steel toed boots to get it out of the way, and if it tries to do anything, throw it out the window. because cats ALWAYS land on their feet, and they have 9 lives to back that fall up.
Alicestraza 33
I'll never understand wanting to harm an animal. It's a new cat, it's probably scared. Even if you hate cats there's no reason to harm them.
FrankHotpants 31
Jump and smash through the window, walk it off.