Today, my mom walked into my room to talk to me. I was surprised...

By love you too mommy - 27/1/2014 19:26 - United States - Brentwood

Today, my mom walked into my room to talk to me. I was surprised because we don't talk much. I was left with a smile on my face after she left, until I realized she'd stolen all the candy on my desk while I wasn't looking. FML

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Love

Last dates

Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

Doomed

By meggiemouse - 9/7/2011 18:00 - United States

Today, marks the seventh day of having my nose pierced. I'd done everything I was supposed to do, even sleeping with a band-aid over it. This morning, I woke up to my piercing being ripped out by my pillow, and the band-aid nowhere in sight. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/3/2015 12:15 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I told my Dad I was an alcoholic and had decided to seek help. His reply, "Don't stop drinking, you are the life of the party, funny and beautiful when you drink." FML

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By toothfairy - 26/6/2009 14:20 - United Kingdom

Today, My 5 year old sister informed me she had left me a present in my bed. She had tied a ribbon around a dead rat's neck and propped it up on my pillow. The label says his name was Bert. FML

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By kisyfrot - 18/12/2008 03:38 - France

Today, I got fed up with my neighbor who has been coughing, night and day, for six months. I rang at her door to tell her about several remedies I know of to help, so I could sleep. I thus found out she has lung cancer. FML

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By Sara - 3/5/2016 16:52 - Netherlands

Today, my boyfriend and I went to visit his grandparents. Everything went well, until his grandmother approached me and asked me if I wanted to try some of her old bras. I didn't want to be rude, so I went with her. Most awkward moment of my life. FML

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By like - 14/3/2009 05:50 - United States

Today, I decided it would be pretty amusing to press the "Like" button on everyone's status on Facebook without reading them just to get on peoples' nerves. After re-reading them later, I found out one of them said "I MISS YOU SOO MUCH GRANDMOM. RIP". I liked that her grandmother died. FML

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By - 25/1/2019 20:00

Today, I called 911 and got taken to hospital via ambulance after a suicide attempt. When I called my mom, the first thing she asked was, "How much is the ambulance going to cost?" FML

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By rainbows? more like shitstorms - 17/8/2012 00:22 - United States

Today, I was suntanning outside, when I had a bout of nausea. I rushed to the toilet, hoping at all costs to just dry-heave it away. When I lifted the lid, I was faced with two of the most rancid floaters I've ever seen, courtesy of my live-in gran. Well, my stomach's empty now. FML

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By sunil - 13/6/2014 22:53 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my 8-year-old son microwaved his pet hamster. FML

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By StillTooYoung - 20/1/2013 13:13 - United States - Louisville

Today, I was discussing with my husband how it was time I stopped taking birth control so we could have a baby. He looked at me and said sincerely, "We're a little young to be having kids, don't you think?". He's 35 and I'm 32. FML

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By pinkfreak94 - 13/10/2012 13:38 - United States - Norwalk

Today, I kissed a boy for the first time in over a year. It was at drama club practice, and he quickly ended up asking the director if we could remove that scene from the play. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/3/2017 07:00 - United States - Westerville

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a blowjob. All of a sudden she stopped and said, "What's that thing at the back of your throat called?" FML

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By Anonymous - 12/6/2014 05:02 - United States - Kansas City

Today, my husband reorganized our fridge for the World Cup. He cleared everything out and filled it with beer and chips. FML

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By paging dr. kevorkian - 16/5/2013 21:23 - Netherlands

Today, I took my girlfriend to a family dinner. Things went great, until my grandma arrived. She thought it would be okay to continue our friendly prank war by congratulating me on my "wife's" pregnancy. My girlfriend actually believed it, and now thinks she's the "other woman". FML

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By Anonymous - 27/3/2012 15:54 - Australia - Perth

Today, I realised being the only female engineering student sucks. I have exactly one friend, because everyone else is too busy staring at my boobs to have a conversation. FML

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By Mr. Hopeless - 13/2/2009 21:59 - United States

Today, I texted this girl I really like and she didn't answer. She did about two hours later and it said "sorry I was having sex at the time you texted me. So how are you?" FML

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2010 14:22 - United States

Today, it's Black Friday. I got sucker-punched by some woman over a ten dollar griddle. FML

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By spiderlady - 21/9/2015 03:00 - United States

Today, I walked face first into a near-invisible spiderweb. There's nothing worse than the feeling of a spider web wrapped around your face. Except maybe the feeling of the spider that saw my screaming mouth as a good hiding spot. FML

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By Noname - 9/3/2009 17:04 - Canada

Today, I was rubbing my dog's belly. He seemed to be enjoying it, his penis "came out". My boyfriend was walking by and said "at least you turn someone on." FML

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By What a happy day - 14/1/2013 17:36 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, both my brother and sister missed my wedding. She was playing in a Call of Duty tournament, and he got so high that he forgot about the wedding completely. He was my best man. FML

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By ERnightmare - 2/8/2018 21:00 - United States - Long Beach

Today, I was lucky to have an extremely attractive doctor operating on me. This would have been great had he not been removing a foreign object from my vagina after an ill-fated masturbation session. FML

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By iswearicandrive - 17/12/2010 05:14 - United States

Today, I hit my boss's car. It's only my second day on the job. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2015 12:42 - United States - Clifton Park

Today, I was forced into accepting a "promotion" for a position that pays less than what I get right now. FML

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By FlyingFist - 4/12/2012 00:38 - United States

Today, I got a call from my boyfriend saying I needed to come home immediately. When I got there, he informed me that the reason I needed to rush home from work was because he wiped a booger on the wall and it was in the shape of a penis. He said it's a sign, like when people see Jesus in toast. FML

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By dumbucksally - 31/8/2018 06:00

Today, my 30-year-old boyfriend of 4 years OD'd on his mental health medication, resulting in a trip to the hospital. He said the experience was eye-opening and he wants to be 100% honest with me. He then said he wants to have sex with his biological mother, who he finally met last year. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2019 20:00 - United States

Today, my drunk sister threw up on me while I was sleeping. FML

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By FuckMyEyes - 26/12/2012 01:49 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I walked in on my sister plucking her nipples. A shame I didn't get a big fuck-off bottle of brain bleach for Christmas. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/11/2009 01:54 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided to be romantic and literally sweep me off my feet... directly into a door frame. Now my face is bruised, and the police officer at my school has asked me if I need to make a report about anything. FML

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By MahSquito - 6/2/2012 02:14 - United States

Today, a train hit me. A slow mini-train full of kindergartners who were on a tour of the museum I was visiting. FML

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By svunimportant - 28/5/2015 15:40 - United States - Morehead

Today, my daughter cried for ages after finding out that Nick Amaro was written out of Law and Order: SVU. She barely reacted when I told her that her mom and I are getting a divorce. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2014 19:36 - United Kingdom - Aylesbury

Today, I tried waxing for the first time. At first it felt like I'd dipped my balls in a furnace. Now I can't even feel them. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/11/2015 13:47 - United States - Kenosha

Today, my deadbeat dad threatened to press charges against me for harassment if I ever contact him again. I've contacted him twice in the last two years, once to tell him he was going to be a grandfather, and once to send him a birthday card from my son. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/3/2010 07:05 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were play-wrestling on the couch. I got thirsty, so I got up and grabbed a metal water bottle and drank out of it. He tried to playfully touch it and spill water on me, but instead hit it hard enough to where it slammed my mouth, chipped my tooth, and cut open my lip. FML

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By Rakoric - 16/4/2017 22:00

Today, my wife and I went kayaking for the first time in the ocean. She got seasick and just before she threw up, leaned over the side and tipped the kayak over. FML

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By Nasty - 25/4/2016 16:59 - United States - Tallahassee

Today, while watching home videos with my family, I saw a clip of me as an infant attempting to breast feed from my father while he laughed uncontrollably. Now, my son keeps sneaking his baby brother's head under my shirt while I'm asleep. The last time he actually began to suckle. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2011 07:09 - United States

Today, trying to be cute, my boyfriend threw a snowball at me. This would have been fine had it not been hard enough to break my glasses. As a college student, I have to choose between eating for the next two weeks or replacing them. FML

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By fijiflu - 5/11/2015 21:31

Today, at work in a call center, I went into my locker to get my pain pills from a recent surgery. When I opened the bottle, half my pills spread all over the floor. My boss walked by and said, "I knew it!" FML

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By Juliet - 12/4/2013 00:40 - United States - Inglewood

Today, my Romeo and Juliet style relationship hit an all time low when my boyfriend's parents filed a lawsuit against my parents. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2020 20:00

Who's a good boy?

Today, my boyfriend's vicious dog, which he got as a security measure and growls and barks at me whenever I go near it, was caught on our security camera playing like a puppy with a burglar, while the other two burglars cleaned out all our valuables. FML

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By Sonotsuave - 17/5/2019 01:00 - United States - Arlington

Today, I rushed home after my mom called saying our upstairs had flooded. Apparently, my little brother somehow broke the toilet while unsupervised and water overflowed everywhere. It even reached my closet, shoes, and books, and everything touching my floor in my room is now wet. FML

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Top comments

By Mynamewontfi | 40

#5841218 - Monday 27 January 2014 23:10

Ain't that sweet of her.

By mpkpm | 19

#5841220 - Monday 27 January 2014 23:13

Silly child, sweets are for parents.

COMMENTS

By Mynamewontfi | 40

#5841218 - Monday 27 January 2014 23:10

Ain't that sweet of her.

colton_colton | 49

#5841235 - Monday 27 January 2014 23:21

Sorry to hear that OP :(

Mynamewontfi | 40

#5841264 - Monday 27 January 2014 23:57

I like how your comment has so much relevance to mine.

Wizardo | 33

#5841288 - Tuesday 28 January 2014 0:30

#21, I agree and its sad to see such a classic example of attempted thread jacking, first comment was actually good this time and this fool tries to ride on his coat tails, just post your comment individually next time especially since its so bloody generic no one would give a crap anyway.

FangirlingAlways | 14

#5841537 - Tuesday 28 January 2014 4:04

#31, some people don't even know that they are thread jacking sometimes. It's annoying but we usually don't talk about it a lot so some people don't know what it is. When I first installed this app I didn't know what thread jacking was for a while.

GEBEH | 14

#5841688 - Tuesday 28 January 2014 6:53

Even if you don't know the named used for it here you definetly know you're doing it.

By peanuty001 | 19

#5841219 - Monday 27 January 2014 23:12

mothers these days

abhi95 | 31

#5841267 - Tuesday 28 January 2014 0:00

Enough with the mom dissing. Candy is bad for your dental health. She was saving her child's pretty white teeth.. Oh the sacrifice! *weep* *weep*

Missyeru | 14

#5841397 - Tuesday 28 January 2014 1:46

#23 is right OP, she was watching out for your dental health... Or maybe she read a article about stolen candy calories not counting? F her thighs.

mmyoung979 | 14

#5841585 - Tuesday 28 January 2014 4:42

Maybe she wanted to see if stealing candy from a teenager is as easy as stealing candy from a baby? Evidently, sounds like it was.

By mpkpm | 19

#5841220 - Monday 27 January 2014 23:13

Silly child, sweets are for parents.

Welshite | 39

#5841226 - Monday 27 January 2014 23:16

That's just as bad as Trix being exclusively for kids. Last time I tried that cereal, I was mobbed and left for dead by a pack of rogue children.

mpkpm | 19

#5841229 - Monday 27 January 2014 23:17

Your response made my day good sir.

Darksoul09 | 16

#5841290 - Tuesday 28 January 2014 0:33

#8 Its people like you that make this planet worth living on.

By labeledConundrum | 5

#5841221 - Monday 27 January 2014 23:13

What the hell is she say to you that distracted you from noticing that

Edumcg | 24

#5841618 - Tuesday 28 January 2014 5:15

She gave her the talk.

By sammyjo06 | 14

#5841222 - Monday 27 January 2014 23:13

Eh, even if she just wanted to steal your candy, as long as you guys talked and it left you with a smile on your face, I think you'll be fine :).

outoftown | 26

#5841259 - Monday 27 January 2014 23:51

Depends. If she stole chocolate, it's not.

By CaptainBlack | 18

#5841225 - Monday 27 January 2014 23:15

Isn't that lingering smile on your face worth some candy?

minesbiggerr | 25

#5841287 - Tuesday 28 January 2014 0:29

No......

dachayke | 16

#5841458 - Tuesday 28 January 2014 2:26

I'm pretty sure the smile disappeared as soon as OP realized his stash of kit-kats had.

By JMichael | 25

#5841228 - Monday 27 January 2014 23:16

No candy for you OP.

By jman26 | 11

#5841230 - Monday 27 January 2014 23:17

Worse*

By koalabear_55 | 11

#5841233 - Monday 27 January 2014 23:19

The candy monster strikes again? I thought they only came around Easter, Halloween and Christmas

By weveallbeenthere | 30

#5841236 - Monday 27 January 2014 23:23

she was saving you from a trip to the dentist.