Animals: Today, there are people working in my bathroom. I have the shits.... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 98

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 508

You deserved it 138

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 213

You deserved it 1 752

25/07/2014 15:54

Today, there are people working in my bathroom. I have the shits. The only place I could think to go was in my cats litter box. I've used it twice and am now contemplating using it a third time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 890

You deserved it 7 641

Hiding from the drama

The sweet smell of success

The more the merrier

20/01/2016 05:05

Today, I found out if a tree falls in the forest and there's nobody around, it does in fact make a sound, and also $5,000 worth of damage to your truck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 907

You deserved it 1 566

31/07/2011 06:17

Today, two guys proclaiming that they were both Batman attacked me on the street. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 835

You deserved it 3 449

20/08/2012 16:31

Today, at my job at the mall, our music malfunctioned and now will only play the same three songs over and over again. Our manager won't let us turn it off because "the customers won't notice". FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 332

You deserved it 1 720

29/01/2010 15:33

Today, I was caught going on Facebook at work. I was called into my boss' office to be reprimanded, and while he was lecturing me on the importance of staying focussed and the misuse of company property, his computer beeped. It was his Facebook chat notifying him of a new message. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 169

You deserved it 5 259

11/12/2012 06:07

Today, at the gas station, the automatic door didn't open when I approached it. I asked the cashier to open it for me, joking that because I'm a redhead, I didn't have a soul and it wouldn't open for me. The cashier freaked and wouldn't let me go until I proved I had a soul. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 461

You deserved it 5 741

03/10/2012 22:03

Today, I went to my girlfriend's house to play Twister. Her parents watched us the whole time, making sure we didn't touch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 639

You deserved it 2 723

02/09/2010 23:51

Today, I received my first compliment in a really long time. It went, "Hey, you don't look like crap today." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 287

You deserved it 4 290

17/11/2010 07:34

Today, I was talking to my manager about a movie. She asked what main actors were in it, but the only one I could remember was Forest Whitaker. I told her then immediately blurted out "You know, the one with the freaky lazy eye." My manager has a lazy eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 268

You deserved it 33 177

03/06/2013 05:32

Today, while at my aunt's funeral, my grandma who has terrible memory loss asked me whose funeral we were at. I had to explain to her that her daughter had died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 89 351

You deserved it 3 894

29/12/2010 10:18

Today, I swapped a shift so I didn't have to work on new year's eve. An hour later I realized I didn't have anyone to spend it with. I swapped it back. I'll be ringing in the new year with my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 445

You deserved it 4 408

01/11/2017 04:00

Today, three days before their rent was due, my fiancé's friends moved out of our basement without saying a word to us. On their way out, they took an envelope from my locked desk with $800 in it that was for our wedding in six months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 200

You deserved it 288

Our House

By Anonymous - 26/10/2020 11:01

Today, I found out I have another leak in my house. I've had three inspections and they were all shit. At this point, that pipe is the only remaining original pipe in the entire house. Over 25k have officially gone into this BS. Note to all: go "new." FML

I agree, your life sucks 812

You deserved it 108

Countdown

By unsatisfying - 28/10/2010 05:05

Spicy

Today, my wife checked the time while we were having sex. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 402

You deserved it 15 505

21/06/2012 20:28

Today, my friend showed off her new tattoo, which is supposed to say "bad bitch" in Italian, and I had to point out that it actually says "defective female". Her response was to cuss me out and inform me that I'm no longer part of her social circle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 254

You deserved it 3 604

02/03/2018 19:30

Today, I woke up after being sick from the flu and tried to get out of bed. I forgot I was in a bunk bed and broke my ankle in the fall down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 252

You deserved it 824

28/08/2011 06:18

Spicy

Today, I was at my family reunion. I've always hated my family. I walked up behind my husband and said, "I can't wait to go home and make love." My husband turned around. It was my uncle wearing the same hat as my husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 785

You deserved it 40 567

30/06/2009 04:49

Spicy

Today, my mom had a talk with me while my dad was out. She said to stop using her lotion for my masturbation sessions. I asked her how long did she know. She replied with, "Ever since we put up that camera in the living room for burglars, where you happen to watch your porn." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 172

You deserved it 51 151

24/05/2010 16:14

Today, I found out I have dandruff when a chick passed by and said out loud to her friends: "That dude's hair is having an early Xmas!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 167

You deserved it 6 657

Locked out

By blank - 21/01/2013 21:55

Today, my girlfriend left for basic training. I went to say goodbye to her at the airport. Only after I walked back to my car did I realize that she still had the keys. My extra set was back at the house, locked in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 475

You deserved it 6 366

07/05/2009 19:15

Today, I was desperately handing out resumes. I came to my local grocery store and asked for a job application, the customer service rep told me all she needed was my resume. I smiled and gave it to her only to see her read it, laugh and put it straight in the garbage as I walked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 056

You deserved it 4 440

It's complicated

By Anonymous - 23/04/2021 22:02

Today, my partner of 5 years broke up with me via text. We were talking about starting a family just last week. We have a foster puppy together and moved into a new house a month ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 032

You deserved it 81

Zedonging intensifies

By Anonymous - 02/05/2020 23:00

Today, I went downstairs to complain to my landlady that there was no water when I was trying to wash my hair. To which she replied, "No, of course there is water, it's just all going into my swimming pool." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 610

You deserved it 90

Seasons greetings to you too

By leanne - 16/12/2020 17:58

Today, I said hi to my coworker and she immediately yelled, "Get your gross unwashed hands out of my face!" I wash my hands compulsively and they were nowhere near her face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 817

You deserved it 69

28/09/2012 14:25

Today, I found out why my teenage daughter won't brush her teeth properly. Apparently my son convinced her that toothpaste has tons of calories. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 544

You deserved it 2 641

It's only a bit of liquid fun, come on!

By Anonymous - 14/09/2019 20:00

Today, I asked the guy I'm dating if he could not drink on our next date, because he ends up drunk-driving every time. His response was, "This isn't working out." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 688

You deserved it 294

Jesus, take the wheel

By ThreeMoreYears - 03/03/2020 03:01

Today, during my religion class, my instructor decided to use the state of the class's cars as a metaphor for our relationship with God. When I told him my car had been totalled in an accident last week, he yelled at me for being an "agent of Satan." One class down, 59 to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 450

You deserved it 211

Pencil in the ass time

By Anonymous - 13/03/2020 01:13

Today, I was in art class in which we were drawing mythical creatures. I spent the entire hour and a half drawing a Minotaur, which turned out extremely well. It turned out so well that the teacher thought I had traced it, and told me to start over right before the bell rang. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 716

You deserved it 109

25/01/2010 09:32

Today, I found the Christmas 'newsletter' my mom sends out every year to our extended family and friends that details our activities and achievements of the past year. I wasn't mentioned once. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 152

You deserved it 3 560

06/07/2009 00:06

Today, I went to the drug store to pick up some Monistat for a yeast infection. As I was leaving the store, the security alarm went off. The attractive security guard asked to see my receipt, smiled, told me I looked nice, so I handed him the receipt. His face then abruptly changed to a look of disgust. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 994

You deserved it 4 512

20/11/2009 18:30

Today, I was eating at KFC when my roommate unexpectedly showed up. He asked me who I was there with, and I told him I was on a sexy date with his mom. Just then a woman 5 feet away turned around and gave me a disgusted look. Guess whose mom was in town visiting for the weekend? FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 523

You deserved it 36 787

05/05/2011 21:04

Today, my identical twin sister got in trouble for sneaking out of the house to see her boyfriend. My father decided to ground both of us, because it would be "too confusing" for him otherwise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 463

You deserved it 5 085

26/11/2018 21:00

Today, after looking for my phone for three weeks, I used find my iPhone to track it to my sister-in-law's house. Her response? "Finders keepers, losers weepers." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 846

You deserved it 255

Every day I'm hustlin'

By Allen - This fml is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff

Today, I brought home a vase, which I was proud of, that I made for my mother in my pottery class. My mother took one look at it and said, "Oh good, you can sell that in our garage sale." FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 274

You deserved it 3 237

23/06/2012 14:23

Today, I told my girlfriend I love her for the first time. She said, "Thanks." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 767

You deserved it 3 964

01/07/2009 17:41

Today, I took a bike ride to enjoy the weather and stopped for a break on the sidewalk of an overpass, taking in the view of the beautiful hills. I was approached by a cop, who said to me: "Ma'am, I know your life is crap right now, but I'm sure it'll get better. Please don't jump." FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 359

You deserved it 5 222

08/05/2011 05:05

Today, I decided to be extra nice to my girlfriend by washing all the dishes and folding all the clothes. She thought I was being "too nice" and hypothesized that I was cheating on her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 779

You deserved it 5 644

01/01/2013 17:35

Today, I found my dogs freezing outside. My neighbor was supposed to watch them while I was away, and on my way home I called to let her know she should let them have a quick walk. She thought I'd be home soon enough that she wouldn't have to let them back in. It was minus 10c out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 605

You deserved it 4 306

22/07/2015 04:20

Today, I was working at the local grocery store and a customer of mine, who had only bought two granola bars and was holding up my line, tried to convert me to Christianity. Out of all the people to target, she chose the shy atheist who just wanted to do her minimum wage job in peace. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 533

You deserved it 3 050

New quest

By lilybelle11 - 03/11/2020 08:02

Today, it became apparent that my boyfriend only showers when he levels up on World of Warcraft. FML

I agree, your life sucks 896

You deserved it 131

22/08/2009 05:03

Today, I listened to a voice mail from my mom about how she misses me and cant wait to see me when I get back from vacation. Thinking she hung up, my mother then had a conversation with my aunt about how quiet the house is without me and how she'd be blessed if I didn't come home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 980

You deserved it 2 861

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Friday 25 July 2014 23:24

All I can think is: Your cat is going to kill you.

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Friday 25 July 2014 23:23

It's a tough one to ask for though. I wouldn't be very comfortable asking my neighbours whether I could punish their toilet - repeatedly

Comments

maireadmoran 10

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Friday 25 July 2014 23:18

Neighbour's bathroom??

OysterPearls 33

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Saturday 26 July 2014 0:32

Personally, I wouldn't want to leave my house with near strangers in it.

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Saturday 26 July 2014 2:33

I wouldn't to use my neighbors bathroom if I had the shits

QueenofWheels 13

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Saturday 26 July 2014 3:10

It's rude to ask people to take a shit in their bathroom.

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Saturday 26 July 2014 7:54

#32 Personally, I wouldn't want to shit in a litter box with near strangers in my house.

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Monday 18 August 2014 22:58

ah, when ya gotz to goooo....well ya gotz to GO :)

FrancesShiver 20

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Friday 25 July 2014 23:19

Oh well, at least that's on option? :P

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Friday 25 July 2014 23:19

Go to the mall and use the bathroom there.

pessimistprime 4

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Friday 25 July 2014 23:44

Have you ever tried to drive with the shits?

HersheySquirts 17

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Friday 25 July 2014 23:44

might be shopping for a while...

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Saturday 26 July 2014 4:16

I wouldn't want to leave my house when there are strangers working on the bathroom

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Friday 25 July 2014 23:19

Bruh its all bout the litter box

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Friday 25 July 2014 23:21

You got to doo doo what you got to doo doo.

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Friday 25 July 2014 23:22

Better than pooing your pants :)

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Monday 18 August 2014 23:01

Sure is better than pooing in da pants. Speaking of....when I was having chemo, I went to see my son in the workhouse. After being there a ''bit too long'', the Chemo squirts came on like Fast & Furious. I'd never had this happen before. There I was begging the guard to pls pls let me out so I can go potty. They took their time, and my poo didn't :( Tough changing clothes in the stall @ a jail facility. FML

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Friday 25 July 2014 23:23

It's a tough one to ask for though. I wouldn't be very comfortable asking my neighbours whether I could punish their toilet - repeatedly

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Friday 25 July 2014 23:24

Couldn't u have found a nearby store... Or neighbor... Friend? Good luck cleaning the box.

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Friday 25 July 2014 23:46

Cleaning the litter box seems pointless. Just buy a new one.

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Friday 25 July 2014 23:24

All I can think is: Your cat is going to kill you.

ElementaryEdGuy 18

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Saturday 26 July 2014 2:29

especially if she didn't cover it up. You're a guest in your cat's bathroom; follow the cat's rules.

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Saturday 26 July 2014 9:19

"Who the hell took this MASSIVE SHIT?"

Jesswokethisfall 11

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Sunday 27 July 2014 5:11

I think its more of an FML for the cat lol xD

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Friday 25 July 2014 23:24

Why don't you talk go a neighbor or friend....