Intimacy: Today, I spent hours voluntarily decorating my town for Christmas....

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I spent hours voluntarily decorating my town for Christmas. After a break, I came back to find someone had re-positioned the wooden reindeer to make it look like they were humping. FML

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Intimacy

BO Central

Serious times

F is for Family

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend offered to give me a piggyback ride from the house to the car as means of avoiding walking in mud. Both aware of how tall he is, he crouched extra low and I jumped extra hard. This makes for a terrible example of leapfrog, and a faceplant in the mud. FML

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By angkal2002 - Australia

Today, my five year old sister won't stop saying, "shit buckle fuckle ton." My boyfriend's excuse was that he was teaching her how to rhyme. FML

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By Anonymous

Chocolate chip

Today, I was eating chocolate chip cookies around the house and saw a chocolate chip on the floor. Not wanting my dog to eat it, given that chocolate is poisonous for dogs, I swiped it up with my finger and put it to my mouth. It was then that I realized it was a stub of my dog's poop. FML

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By annababyyyy - United States - Rockville

Today, my boyfriend pretended to be reading braille while touching my chest acne. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friends and I were hanging out when we thought it would be cool to set off a few fireworks. Nothing burns quite like the hair on the left side of your head. FML

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By Paige - United States

Today, my parents gave me an iPhone. They then checked my grades online, and promptly took it away. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after almost a year of dating and getting dumped out of the blue, I found out my ex-girlfriend wants to get a restraining order against me. I guess dropping a box of her things on her porch after she wouldn't answer her phone is considered stalking. FML

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By MemoKrosav - Mexico - Matamoros

Today, I had the most uncomfortable feeling in my socks, but I didn't care to check. It wasn't until I got home that I realized that the feeling was a small thin piece of glass that was slowly cutting away at the bottom of my foot. I still don't know how it got there. FML

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By ThatSped - Canada - Moncton

Today, during class, a girl had suggested how I, a 16 year-old guy, would be a high maintenance girlfriend. We sat and debated this, allowing for other people to listen in and agree with her, and eventually the entire class agreed with her. Even the teacher. FML

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By hamburglar - United States - Irving

Today, I ordered two double cheeseburgers from McDonald's and asked for one of them without pickles so they would think I was ordering for two people. Both burgers were for me. FML

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By Homeless for the holidays - 13/12/2020 22:58 - United States - Farmington

Pyrotechnics

Today, after I told my roommate last week she needed to find a new place to live because I thought she was psychotic, she set my house on fire. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a drunk driver drove his car through my mailbox. He got pissed, started yelling, and threatened to sue me for "putting the mailbox in the middle of the road". If my front lawn is a road, I'm going to have some serious issues. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I told my boyfriend about how I'm self-conscious about my B-cup breasts. About 20 minutes later, he pointed to another girl with a small chest and said, "See, you're not the only one with small tits!" FML

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By NeverGonnaGetAny - United States

Today, I was discussing sex with my guy friends in their dorm when I asked one of them what he would do if I got naked and crawled into his bed. He replied, "Nothing. You're one of the guys now." They all agreed. FML

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By ForeverAGirlfriend - United States - Aliquippa

Today, while vacationing with my boyfriend of 9 years, he started writing "Wi" in the sand. I instantly hoped he was going to propose by writing, "Will you marry me" on the beach. He spelled out "wiener" instead. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dallas

Today, I made the decision to lighten my hair from dark brown to blonde. I thought the stylist knew what she was doing, but I ended up with my hair fried off and orange. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Avon

Today, my bitchy co-worker decided that being given a compliment on her shoes is sexual harassment, and worthy of reporting me to our boss over. FML

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By poopy pants - United States - Minneapolis

Quick Stop

Today, I was driving home from a friend's house after a night of partying. Suddenly, I had to poop worse than I ever had to in my entire life. The pain was so bad I had to pull over and pretend to be checking my tires while I let out the entire contents of my bowels onto the road. FML

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By MrT

Today, I phoned my bank. The person wouldn't speak to me about my account as I "sound female" despite being a year 30-old-male. They had to get a supervisor and listen to recordings of past calls to believe me. This isn't the first time I've been mistaken for a girl on the phone. FML

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By baddormgirl - United States

Today, I walked through my college dorm and a freshman was watching some overly dramatic show on her laptop. I smiled and asked if it was a new episode of 'Gossip Girl.' She was on a video chat with her boyfriend. They were about to break up. FML

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By ouch - United States

Today, I was in class when all of a sudden I was hit in the head by a metal pencil case. My teacher threw it at me to get my attention. FML

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By CBBP - United States

Today, I was having sex with this girl I met in stats class when my roommate walked in. He started applauding and said, "$20 bucks for me! I knew you weren't gay!" Him and my other roommate had a bet. They are my best friends. FML

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By badboyfriend101 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was continuously telling me how great my best friend smelled the other night and how I should wear some perfume that smelled like that. I have the same exact perfume and have been wearing it for months. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, we were having a little bonfire. At some point, while I was inside, my stupid roommate filled a beer can with lighter fluid and threw it in the fire, resulting in it spewing 5-foot flames, catching the pile of wood and the chair next to it on fire. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my grandmother tried to start a fist-fight with my wife during my wedding ceremony. FML

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By Foster_Em - United States

Today, I was coming home from a date, I saw my ex standing in my drive-way. He had dumped me 2 months ago saying he couldn't talk me. To make him jealous, I made out with my new guy before greeting him. Turns out he couldn't talk to me because he had had cancer and had been afraid to tell me. FML

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By exfiancee - United States - Summerville

Today, my fiancé told me that he was having second thoughts on our engagement. Instead of just calling it off, he took me to a fancy restaurant and took a public poll on whether we should get married. The majority said no. FML

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By yupppp - United States

Today, I was talking with my mom about getting my school photos retouched. I believe her exact words were, "They'll take one look at you, and charge me triple." FML

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By CJ - Canada - Lethbridge

Today, I was looking for a moustache comb, couldn't find it anywhere. Then I noticed it in a basket by the toilet with scissors. My wife's been using it to trim her pubes. FML

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By Scared - United States - Arlington

Today, I walked in on my mother stroking my cat and murmuring, "Don't worry, kitty. One day, you and I... we will rule." FML

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By Dead_Eye - United States

Today, I turned down an invite to a huge private party that is rarely given to freshmen in college, because I felt bad that I hadn't had a chance to talk to my girlfriend in a couple of days. I called her a couple of hours later. She answered with, "Hey, I'm at a party. I will call you tomorrow?" FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I sent an email to a girl I like about how I really feel about her. She later replied "Real funny, tell Michael to change his password!" FML

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By team hit bella with a car - United States - Odenton

Today, after waiting for years for my oldest daughter to grow out of Twilight, my younger daughter discovered it. FML

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By "ravensarepurple"

Today, I got my new cooker delivered and installed. I followed the instructions in the manual, emptied it out and turned the oven up full for 30 minutes. 20 minutes later, the inner glass shattered. FML

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By LoveGlove - Canada - Calgary

Today, my friends thought it would be funny to slip a condom under my pillow at boot camp. The staff found out, I got bitched out for 30 minutes straight, and now I have to put a condom on the grip of any rifle I'm issued for a week. My new callsign is "Love Glove". FML

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By Michael - 5/2/2021 21:30 - Netherlands - Amsterdam

Give me strength

Today, I wanted to clean my house. Of course the vacuum cleaner got stuck behind furniture multiple times. After the fifth time or so, I gave it a good pull. Now my vacuum cleaner is broken and the socket is off the wall. FML

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By marcymoo - Australia - Perth

Today, I woke to find my laptop and printer covered in what smells like pee. My boyfriend then confessed to me that he occasionally "sleep-pees". It's like sleepwalking, but where he urinates on random objects. FML

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By Shibs - Australia - Hurstville

Today, I was riding my bike along a road and a deer jumped out from the tree line, knocking me to the ground and breaking my arm. Someone pulled over to see if I was alright, running over my bike in the process. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Escondido

Today, my boyfriend sent me a nude picture. I would have been fine with it if he hadn't taken it in his ex-girlfriend's room. FML

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By hylianprincess - United States

Today, my mother is so overdramatic that her response to finding out I lost a friend's book was that I should fake my own death rather than fess up. FML

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Top comments

By krdel | 0

#1807618 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 12:09

So now a wooden reindeer has his wood in reindeer?

By Fiskars02 | 2

#1807589 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 12:05

lol pure win. id do the same thing

COMMENTS

By SillyEars | 0

#1807570 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 12:03

did you join them?

Lolerskatez | 0

#1807584 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 12:05

Tis the season to be jolly!

jewban | 3

#1807641 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 12:12

I would do this

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#1807818 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 12:35

you can't stop the woodland critters blood orgy!!!

folfg7 | 0

#1808209 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 14:08

Bahahahahahah I liked my butt off. are you sure your not just blaning someone else? ;)

mamamiaaa_fml | 12

#1808414 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 15:00

I would have at least taken some pictures. with myself and the dear.

mamamiaaa_fml | 12

#1808431 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 15:02

hahhahahahaffddhzhxjkckvoa I meant deer.

ClickMyPicture | 0

#1809028 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 16:53

Oh boy, can't wait till Santa sees this! Rudolph humping Vixen(;

zkchild | 0

#1809075 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 16:58

They were just trying to help decorate.

maz255 | 10

#1812175 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 8:41

falala lalala!!!!

nathan5 | 0

#1824991 - Friday 10 December 2010 20:03

hey!

By unlocker | 0

#1807574 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 12:03

first to comment

SillyEars | 0

#1807595 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 12:06

*facepalm*

By Fiskars02 | 2

#1807589 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 12:05

lol pure win. id do the same thing

Healtopia | 0

#1807979 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 13:04

win indeedy

madgolden | 0

#1808594 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 15:37

Me Tooo .

rgermain | 0

#1808620 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 15:42

I love it! It's like when ppl rearrange letters on signs to make awful phrases. Kills me every time.

crimsongetsu | 0

#1809449 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 17:58

WIN!!!!!!

By froggi_fml | 0

#1807607 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 12:07

aw haha that's cute. XD

Hayman68 | 4

#1808497 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 15:15

so are you lol

hobojo11 | 0

#1808515 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 15:18

you and me baby aint nuthen but mamels so lets do it like they do on discovery channel

coolname2016 | 12

#1826648 - Saturday 11 December 2010 8:03

Dude that is so old

By krdel | 0

#1807618 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 12:09

So now a wooden reindeer has his wood in reindeer?

Amgnowai | 0

#1807728 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 12:25

Haha xD

EffinAhole | 0

#1807745 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 12:26

win

DaveOnDope | 4

#1808353 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 14:46

Win!

Hayman68 | 4

#1808507 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 15:17

C-c-c-combo breaker!

rgermain | 0

#1808612 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 15:40

aaaahahha I see what you did there

juliaaalove | 8

#1808728 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 16:07

hahaaa, funny guy.

harleyn | 0

#1826106 - Saturday 11 December 2010 3:34

nice mane

By Cass3m0 | 0

#1807624 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 12:10

Clearly, they have a sense of humour. Laugh, OP. 'Tis the season to be jolly. :D

kenziemakayla | 5

#1903917 - Wednesday 29 December 2010 14:45

what does op mean?

tandem123 | 6

#3076162 - Wednesday 10 August 2011 5:07

Original post or something to that effect.

By Quest_ | 13

#1807626 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 12:10

Am I the only one with a boner right now?

Doortje | 29

#1807709 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 12:21

Nope, the reindeer has one too :)

beastette1230 | 0

#1807776 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 12:30

#15 win ^ haha

RedPillSucks | 31

#1808370 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 14:50

Is that what you call the guy on the right?

beepbeepington | 0

#1808467 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 15:10

hahahahhahahahah !

MizzErikaHart | 8

#1808678 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 16:01

lmfao at 51!!

Quest_ | 13

#1810321 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 21:24

No need to be hateful assholes.

chewbacca69 | 0

#1810612 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 22:37

I do friend I do

Torialovesya | 0

#3219381 - Friday 2 September 2011 3:23

Yep!!

By nathan5 | 0

#1807630 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 12:11

In no way an fml. thats brilliant! It would definately change a childs idea of reindeers!

nathan5 | 0

#1807976 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 13:04

am i not allowed to saw that tgis is not an fml? I did say it was very funny though!

nathan5 | 0

#1807991 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 13:06

this*

JonaDona | 2

#1808078 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 13:38

why would you say that? Obviously anyone's life would be pretty F up after someone made a wooden deer hump another (sarcasm)

nathan5 | 0

#1809467 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 18:05

now come on!!

By KGambii | 0

#1807656 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 12:13

Keep it like that ;)

By Doortje | 29

#1807670 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 12:14

FYL for not having a sense of humor :(

bioboy725 | 10

#1811200 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 1:32

I agree, I hate people with no sense of humor.