Intimacy: Today, I spent hours voluntarily decorating my town for Christmas....

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I spent hours voluntarily decorating my town for Christmas. After a break, I came back to find someone had re-positioned the wooden reindeer to make it look like they were humping. FML

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Intimacy

Understandable

Strawberry surprise

The cheek of some people

By Aimee Lutz

Cat Burglar!

Today, I found my lost cat. As I was hooking it up to a leash to get it in my car, a man approached and asked what I was doing. His kids alerted him that there was a woman stealing their cat from their front lawn. It was not my cat. FML

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By Jesse - United States - Bothell

Today, I had to get a prostate exam. Right before the doctor started, he told me that if I found it awkward at all, I should just imagine I was being probed by aliens. FML

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By IAmACoolCat - United States

Today, I found my dad using my bathroom. Why? Because he "had to take a crap" and didn't want to stink up his own bathroom. FML

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By saywhatnow - United States

Today, a man stopped me to tell me I was the most beautiful woman he'd seen all day. He promptly followed that up with: "Then again, you are the only woman I've seen today, so, it can only go up from here." FML

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By theorifice - Canada

Today, I was unbearably hungry, so I went to Wendy's, bought myself a Baconator and took it outside to eat on the patio. One bite in, I went back to grab a few napkins. Within seconds of my departure, a seagull snatched it up. FML

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By dudster25 - United States - Hanford

Today, I was both sexting with my girlfriend and texting my professor about an upcoming essay. I accidentally sent a dickpic to my professor. FML

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By "ravensarepurple"

Today, I got my new cooker delivered and installed. I followed the instructions in the manual, emptied it out and turned the oven up full for 30 minutes. 20 minutes later, the inner glass shattered. FML

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By thishasbeenaverytellingnight

Today, I was working in bed when my boyfriend stumbled in, drunk as hell. He got on top of me saying he wanted sex. After a moment, he paused and said, “Sorry, I thought you were Stephen.” I’m a girl. Stephen is my father. FML

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By guessimdead - United States

Today, I went to my new job at a pre-school. I was really excited because everything was going so well, and a little boy even said he was drawing a picture of me. He even gave it to me when he was finished. Well it was me, but I was also on fire and being stabbed and shot multiple times. FML

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By tbreezy

Today, I called my ex-girlfriend to see if she would meet up with me so I could give her money to pay off the rest of the TV we had on layaway before we broke up. Turns out she cancelled it and took all the money I put into it. I put $500 down. FML

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By EmberLove - United States

Today, my current boyfriend and my ex-boyfriend got into a fight about when my birthday is. They were both wrong. FML

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By AMP4U - United States

Today, my fiancé changed his text message tone to a fart noise. He thinks it's hilarious and laughs every time he gets a text. He's 35 years old. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tampa

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, when his condom came off inside of me. We couldn't get it out, so I had to tell my mom, who didn't know we were sexually active, and then go to the ER. After an unsuccessful visit, we came home only to find the condom in my sheets. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got pulled over for speeding. I started fixing my hair and unbuttoning a couple of buttons on my shirt, hoping the policeman would let me off with a warning. When he got to the car, he rolled his eyes and muttered something under his breath. I saw him walk back to the cop car gagging. FML

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By ShitStirringSon - United States - San Diego

Today, I was told that my son has Twitter and Facebook accounts that he uses to try to bully people online, some of which are celebrities. He does it really badly, though. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fredericksburg

Today, I received my first payment of child support from my estranged husband: $50 and a note that said he wouldn't be paying any more. FML

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By Broke Mama - United States

Today, with the cost of craft supplies that ended in a DIY fail, then a costume and overnight shipping, I have now spent $90 to obtain a $10 hat and vest for my daughter to play a cow in the school Christmas play. She will say "Moo" three times with 5 other cows before leaving the stage. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Darlington

Today, I had the contraceptive implant removed from my arm after having had it in for three years. I was one of the unlucky people whose body sticks to it. It took half an hour to cut and pull a tiny little stick out of my arm. FML

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By Amanda - United States

Today, my ex's mom got a job as our new soccer coach and recognized me from our New Year's party last year. She made me, and me alone, do 10 laps around the field in the rain for breaking her son's heart. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Try to do a nice thing…

Today, I mowed our lawn without being asked. My sister wouldn't stop yelling at me for not checking with her, because she wanted the grass to get long enough to "play jungle" in. My mom sided with her. FML

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By killmenow - United States - Seattle

Today, I was out shopping, when I noticed a teenage girl with a double stroller picking up a pack of condoms. I couldn't help but mutter that it was a little late for those. A guy who must have been her boyfriend then stormed over and beat the shit out of me. FML

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By Alaska - United States

Today, I was taking a poop when I heard a window in my house break. Then, I heard things dropping upstairs. I decided to stay in the bathroom, which has a lock, and called the cops. Turns out it was just a bird that was trying to get at my fish in the fish tank that I have in my room. FML

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By left out wet

Today, I was laying in bed completely naked, uncovered and waiting for my husband to walk in. He laid down in bed and starting playing with his phone instead of. FML

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By failuretolaunch2 - United States

Today, my boyfriend managed to orgasm by humping my leg. I'm beginning to think I am dating a puppy. FML

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By stupid - Ireland

Today, I walked to school in -5 degree weather, snow up to ankles, for an exam. The school had closed and warned all the parents, but mine didn't tell me, because it was "funnier". FML

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By dammitvasquez - Canada

Today, my boyfriend came home from a camping trip and broke up with me. All because when he was watching the lake he was near, ripples formed. Apparently, this means God was telling him I'm impure and unable to be "saved by Christ" and therefore, a waste of his time. I dated this lunatic. FML

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By OMGWTF - United States

Today, while biking home from work, a 12 mile trip, I was speeding down a long hill and my jean pant leg got caught in the chain. It ripped, and then the rest of my pant leg ripped off. I had to bike 10 more miles half naked along the highway. FML

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By stupidapperently - United States

Today, while checking out a couple at work, I handed them their receipt and wished them a good day. The woman promptly pulled her husband to the side, and whispered to him about how much of a "fucking idiot" I was for making the prices so high. I work at McDonald's. FML

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By Not A Pervert - United Kingdom - Peterborough

Today, while at work, I was shown CCTV footage of myself staring at the chest belonging to a teenager I was serving. I was accused of being a paedophile and nearly fired, all because I wanted to know what version of Spider-Man was on her T-shirt. FML

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By anon - United States - Washougal

Today, I rear ended a cop while talking on my cell phone. FML

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By goingtothegym - United States - Canyon Country

Today, I was accused of shoplifting because my jacket looked "too chunky". I wasn't stealing, I'm just fat. FML

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By Anon - New Zealand

Today, I was fired by one of my bosses for doing something the other boss told me to do. I work for a family company. Turns out my bosses are going through a divorce and will do anything to prove the other wrong. FML

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By NotSoCool - Singapore

Today, I was pulling my trolley luggage at the airport when I passed 2 cute girls smiling at me. Thinking I looked real cool, I kept on walking without paying heed to anything else. Then my brother shouted asking me what was I doing, only to realise that the handle had come off a few metres back. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend bought this hot pink Chanel nail polish. Bored, she thought it would be funny to paint my nails. I finally gave in and let her paint my toe nails. After she left, my buddy calls to to see if I can give him a ride. I forgot I had a swim meet today. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, as I was pulling out of my apartment complex, I was rear-ended. When I got out of my car to see how bad the damage was, I wondered why the other guy wasn't getting out of his. As it turns out, he was busy pleasing himself. I found out when I approached his car. FML

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By winks - United States - Reno

Today, I got into a car accident that was my fault. The other driver was my professor. FML

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By cduttl1230 - United States

Today, after getting my appendix taken out, we had to drive over five sets of railroad tracks. Then, my four year old brother decided to punch me in the stomach because, "I took away his mommy for two days." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my fiancé proposed to me at the movies. The movie stopped in the middle, and my fiancé stands up, takes out a microphone and announces to the entire theatre that he loves me. Right when he went on one knee, someone shouts, "Turn the movie back on!", and throws a cup of coke at my head. FML

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By John Doe

Shaving!

Today, my girlfriend told me that if I shaved, my penis might seem bigger. FML

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By kitchencrime - United States

Today, my friend snuck up on me and yelled, "Gotcha!" I screamed and dropped a gallon of blood-red paint on my new, white kitchen floor. Now it looks like I've murdered someone in my kitchen. FML

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Top comments

By krdel | 0

#1807618 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 12:09

So now a wooden reindeer has his wood in reindeer?

By Fiskars02 | 2

#1807589 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 12:05

lol pure win. id do the same thing

COMMENTS

By SillyEars | 0

#1807570 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 12:03

did you join them?

Lolerskatez | 0

#1807584 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 12:05

Tis the season to be jolly!

jewban | 3

#1807641 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 12:12

I would do this

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#1807818 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 12:35

you can't stop the woodland critters blood orgy!!!

folfg7 | 0

#1808209 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 14:08

Bahahahahahah I liked my butt off. are you sure your not just blaning someone else? ;)

mamamiaaa_fml | 12

#1808414 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 15:00

I would have at least taken some pictures. with myself and the dear.

mamamiaaa_fml | 12

#1808431 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 15:02

hahhahahahaffddhzhxjkckvoa I meant deer.

ClickMyPicture | 0

#1809028 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 16:53

Oh boy, can't wait till Santa sees this! Rudolph humping Vixen(;

zkchild | 0

#1809075 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 16:58

They were just trying to help decorate.

maz255 | 10

#1812175 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 8:41

falala lalala!!!!

nathan5 | 0

#1824991 - Friday 10 December 2010 20:03

hey!

By unlocker | 0

#1807574 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 12:03

first to comment

SillyEars | 0

#1807595 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 12:06

*facepalm*

By Fiskars02 | 2

#1807589 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 12:05

lol pure win. id do the same thing

Healtopia | 0

#1807979 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 13:04

win indeedy

madgolden | 0

#1808594 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 15:37

Me Tooo .

rgermain | 0

#1808620 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 15:42

I love it! It's like when ppl rearrange letters on signs to make awful phrases. Kills me every time.

crimsongetsu | 0

#1809449 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 17:58

WIN!!!!!!

By froggi_fml | 0

#1807607 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 12:07

aw haha that's cute. XD

Hayman68 | 4

#1808497 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 15:15

so are you lol

hobojo11 | 0

#1808515 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 15:18

you and me baby aint nuthen but mamels so lets do it like they do on discovery channel

coolname2016 | 12

#1826648 - Saturday 11 December 2010 8:03

Dude that is so old

By krdel | 0

#1807618 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 12:09

So now a wooden reindeer has his wood in reindeer?

Amgnowai | 0

#1807728 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 12:25

Haha xD

EffinAhole | 0

#1807745 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 12:26

win

DaveOnDope | 4

#1808353 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 14:46

Win!

Hayman68 | 4

#1808507 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 15:17

C-c-c-combo breaker!

rgermain | 0

#1808612 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 15:40

aaaahahha I see what you did there

juliaaalove | 8

#1808728 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 16:07

hahaaa, funny guy.

harleyn | 0

#1826106 - Saturday 11 December 2010 3:34

nice mane

By Cass3m0 | 0

#1807624 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 12:10

Clearly, they have a sense of humour. Laugh, OP. 'Tis the season to be jolly. :D

kenziemakayla | 5

#1903917 - Wednesday 29 December 2010 14:45

what does op mean?

tandem123 | 6

#3076162 - Wednesday 10 August 2011 5:07

Original post or something to that effect.

By Quest_ | 13

#1807626 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 12:10

Am I the only one with a boner right now?

Doortje | 29

#1807709 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 12:21

Nope, the reindeer has one too :)

beastette1230 | 0

#1807776 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 12:30

#15 win ^ haha

RedPillSucks | 31

#1808370 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 14:50

Is that what you call the guy on the right?

beepbeepington | 0

#1808467 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 15:10

hahahahhahahahah !

MizzErikaHart | 8

#1808678 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 16:01

lmfao at 51!!

Quest_ | 13

#1810321 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 21:24

No need to be hateful assholes.

chewbacca69 | 0

#1810612 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 22:37

I do friend I do

Torialovesya | 0

#3219381 - Friday 2 September 2011 3:23

Yep!!

By nathan5 | 0

#1807630 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 12:11

In no way an fml. thats brilliant! It would definately change a childs idea of reindeers!

nathan5 | 0

#1807976 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 13:04

am i not allowed to saw that tgis is not an fml? I did say it was very funny though!

nathan5 | 0

#1807991 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 13:06

this*

JonaDona | 2

#1808078 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 13:38

why would you say that? Obviously anyone's life would be pretty F up after someone made a wooden deer hump another (sarcasm)

nathan5 | 0

#1809467 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 18:05

now come on!!

By KGambii | 0

#1807656 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 12:13

Keep it like that ;)

By Doortje | 29

#1807670 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 12:14

FYL for not having a sense of humor :(

bioboy725 | 10

#1811200 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 1:32

I agree, I hate people with no sense of humor.