Intimacy: Today, I spent hours voluntarily decorating my town for Christmas....

By Anonymous - 07/12/2010 06:23 - United States

Today, I spent hours voluntarily decorating my town for Christmas. After a break, I came back to find someone had re-positioned the wooden reindeer to make it look like they were humping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 364

You deserved it 8 562

Intimacy

Empathy lives

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

Childlike

Yeah, that's the same

By Iabnysmwytm - 29/07/2020 14:01

Today, we were talking about discrimination. I shared my story of being denied housing and a job offer because I'm trans. Some doofus tried to compare it to the time he was denied a car loan due to not having credit history. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 536

You deserved it 656

You're in the army now, oh ohoh, you're in the army. Now.

By LoveGlove - 21/06/2014 21:42 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my friends thought it would be funny to slip a condom under my pillow at boot camp. The staff found out, I got bitched out for 30 minutes straight, and now I have to put a condom on the grip of any rifle I'm issued for a week. My new callsign is "Love Glove". FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 047

You deserved it 4 937

By Anonymous - 26/11/2012 05:45 - United States

Today, it's our third anniversary. After a candlelit dinner and a midnight boat ride, my wife turned down sex, because "it's too cliché." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 253

You deserved it 3 681

By bglenney - 15/08/2013 09:47 - United States

Today, for the first time in my life, I simultaneously sneezed, peed and farted. I was giving a presentation at work when this happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 843

You deserved it 4 162

By whoawhoawhoa - 28/12/2010 22:04 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I heard my parents going at it upstairs. He said, "sounds like they're having more fun than we did." To make it worse, he crept to their door and put his ear to it, telling me what he heard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 446

You deserved it 4 943

By paula123 - 18/12/2009 13:02 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that my ex-husband just had a baby with his new partner. We only split up a week ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 202

You deserved it 2 385

By nearlythere - 30/09/2011 04:50 - Australia

Today, I was getting ready to perform a speech in anthropology on the globalization of public transportation and how it brings cultures together. On the bus ride there, the girls behind me were discussing ways to hide their track marks after injecting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 358

You deserved it 2 908

Thanks, great feedback everyone!

By Anonymous - 27/01/2021 23:01

Today, after years of not meeting my partner's family, along with the new arrival of our daughter, we decided to travel to meet them all and introduce our bundle of joy. Instead of the usual welcoming committee, all they could go on about was whether or not my daughter was his because of how fair toned she is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 849

You deserved it 86

By handymandy - 19/01/2012 11:44 - United States

Today, we received our honeymoon itinerary. Our travel agent booked our flight to Punta Cana correctly. Too bad she booked us a hotel in Orlando, Florida. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 957

You deserved it 2 592

By Anonymous - 17/12/2018 13:30

Today, I have a busy week scheduled at work, so I took my file home to smash out some reports. Naturally I did not do any work at home and then I also forgot to take the file back to work the next day. Instead of saving time, I wasted an hour driving home to collect it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 067

You deserved it 2 062

By e11ie - 27/09/2009 20:57 - United States

Today, while my boyfriend and I were cuddling on the couch, he looked down at my chest and said "I can't wait for the day that these produce milk." We've only been dating a few months and I have no intention of lactating anytime soon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 831

You deserved it 3 085

By Scarred - 04/04/2012 03:27 - United States - Marquette

Today, while at work, I found a dead dog in a freezer. Turns out it's been in there for over 3 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 197

You deserved it 2 344

By likesboys - 19/05/2010 12:00 - Canada

Today, my entire family thinks I'm a lesbian. I'm straight. I'm embarrassed and don't know how to tell them that I've been single for so long because I can't get a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 881

You deserved it 4 960

By You're Not a Wizard - 30/06/2016 12:29

Today, I earned the nickname of "Harry Potter" for all the wrong reasons. I got locked in a storage cupboard for most of my shift, and couldn't get out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 137

You deserved it 1 436

By shit's weak - 13/02/2009 21:51 - United States

Today, on campus, these really overly-happy people walking around with big signs saying "free hugs". When I walked towards them, their smiles faded, and they put their signs down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 646

You deserved it 4 659

By anonymous - 02/11/2015 03:13 - United States - San Francisco

Today, was the first time giving head to my boyfriend. He couldn't finish, so I tried a handjob. In the end he kind of pushed my hand away so he could finish himself off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 172

You deserved it 7 457

By Username - 25/09/2010 04:49 - France

Today, I was at a comedy club, and the girl behind me was drinking. Before she swallowed it, the comedian said something funny, making her spit it all in my hair. I had just had it done for my sister's wedding tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 450

You deserved it 6 566

By notmansbestfriend - 12/08/2013 16:09 - United States - Williamsburg

Today, I was stuck on the toilet for hours after eating some questionable seafood. During this time, I watched through the open door as my dog destroyed the nice shoes I just bought, as well as the tux I rented for my sister's wedding. The wedding is in 12 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 178

You deserved it 7 785

By Joy - 16/06/2010 14:42 - Denmark

Today, we had guests coming over. My dad wanted me to make some bacon, but I refused because I'm a vegetarian, and don't like to touch meat. His response? 'Good joke honey, now make the bacon.' FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 002

You deserved it 19 181

By iannie - 31/07/2011 21:45 - United States

Today, I went to the beach. While I was swimming, I noticed a few really hot guys passing. Trying to be sexy, I slowly got out of the water, showing off my body. I showed a bit more than I expected when I realized my bikini bottom had fallen off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 344

You deserved it 39 406

Double standards

By not ashamed! - 05/09/2020 07:57 - United States

Today, I was told how irresponsible, dangerous and shameful it is to date as a single mom. Apparently, my one and only focus should be my children. I’ve had one boyfriend in the past two years. Meanwhile, my ex-husband has a new flavor of the month around our kids whenever he sees fit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 732

You deserved it 162

By Anonymous - 25/10/2013 17:20 - United States - Tacoma

Today, my car was broken into, on the same night I stayed up late researching how to install my new car alarm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 047

You deserved it 3 415

By imnotastranger - 09/05/2014 03:01

Today, I was teaching my 4 year old daughter how to use "stranger danger". Later that day, we went out and since I didn't buy her a ice cream, she kept screaming "STRANGER DANGER!" A total stranger tackled me until the cops arrived. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 557

You deserved it 6 912

By downer - 25/05/2009 05:39 - United States

Today, I was feeling really down. So I texted my boyfriend and asked him to tell me why he loves me, thinking he would cheer me up. His response? "Don't bug me with this stupid shit anymore. You always ask such dumb questions." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 197

You deserved it 58 588

By Anonymous - 24/10/2012 22:43 - United States - Lahaina

Today, I learned that despite having told them two years ago, my parents still aren't accepting of me being gay. I found this out when my mom called and asked if I was "cured" yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 274

You deserved it 5 464

By billjoebob424 - 10/03/2016 00:01 - Canada

Today, I've been so accustomed to kissing my girlfriend that when I gave my best bud a hug, I kissed him on the neck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 346

You deserved it 7 426

By TwinDad - 14/05/2009 15:24 - United States

Today, one of my three-year-old twin daughters asked, "Dad, can we get a cat?" I replied in a gentle dad voice, "No, honey, dad is allergic to cats. That means they make him sneeze and sniffle. So we can't get a cat. Sorry." After a slight pause, the other asked, "When you die can we get a cat?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 980

You deserved it 6 466

Sex work is work

By Hopeful - 27/02/2021 11:01

Today, barely able to pay rent while working 3 jobs, I decided to give in to the idea of making online sex work photos and videos. Everyone else seems to be making thousands doing it, so why not? Turns out that the only people interested in my body are scammers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 101

You deserved it 388

By GidleyWife - 30/07/2015 17:22 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my young stepdaughter decided that she should store her coins in my laptop's card reader slot and in the CD drive. I just bought the laptop last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 315

You deserved it 2 375

Planned assault

By Anonymous - 09/11/2020 08:03

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be wise to joke that we needed to postpone our reunion for another week. We haven't seen each other for almost 4 months, due to events out of our control. He thinks he's funny. He'll get punched when we do see each other again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 696

You deserved it 1 058

By innocent - 06/01/2015 03:11 - United States

Today, my father seems to be having an affair. A used condom was carelessly left on his nightstand and my mother found it. She refuses to believe that my boyfriend and I are not responsible. As punishment I am "no longer allowed to see him." We're both 22 and live together in our own apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 906

You deserved it 3 321

Give it back

By aliixmaee - 09/08/2011 14:50 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me. She took everything, including the kidney I gave her a year ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 944

You deserved it 6 368

Moobs

By Dad Is Fat - 25/08/2021 02:01 - United States - Mount Orab

Today, my 3-year-old daughter told me I was blocking her view of her puppy. She said, "Dad, your boobs are too long!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 697

You deserved it 195

Das wat u get hoomin

By Ray - 13/08/2017 17:15 - United States

Today, we took my cat to get her shots. She screeched and clamored in the car until I took her out of the carrier and held her in my lap...where she immediately pooped on my new white pants and then hid under the seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 058

You deserved it 2 374

By Anonymous - 23/12/2012 17:52 - United States - Bel Air

Today, I received a package from a local guy on Craigslist. Instead of the iPhone I paid $350 for, the box only contained a photo of an iPhone. The guy had been dumb enough to attach a return address, so my husband went over and beat the shit out of him. I now have to bail him out of jail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 939

You deserved it 13 514

By MisterMisinformed - 01/09/2010 04:30 - Canada

Today, I found out that Whoopi Goldberg was NOT Oprah Winfrey's stage name. I was then laughed at for ages by my co-workers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 956

You deserved it 57 234

By drunk - 06/03/2010 07:38 - Australia

Today, I woke up on a friend's floor with a massive hangover after her party last night. My friend, who was next to me, barfed all over me. She then told me that while I was drunk last night, I made out with her dog as well as two of our other friend's boyfriends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 245

You deserved it 40 812

Et tu, Chandler?

By Anonymous - 18/08/2019 14:00

Today, I found out that when my friends say they're too busy to hang out with me, what they really mean is that they're going to have an awesome pool party, and don't want me to come. The Instagram stories say it all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 729

You deserved it 163

Smoke 'em while you can

By OuttaNowhere81 - 15/05/2009 04:05 - United States

Today, I was smoking a cigarette in my backyard while my parents were out, because I'm not allowed to smoke. While smoking, my parents came home unexpectedly. In a rush, I flicked it over the fence, and it landed in my neighbor's hair. It was still lit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 574

You deserved it 73 490

By Anonymous - 09/07/2009 16:27 - France

Today, my boss walked in my office to see me busy making a little Post-it dress for my pen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 083

You deserved it 56 758

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Top comments

krdel 0

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Tuesday 7 December 2010 12:09

So now a wooden reindeer has his wood in reindeer?

Fiskars02 2

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Tuesday 7 December 2010 12:05

lol pure win. id do the same thing

SillyEars 0

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Tuesday 7 December 2010 12:03

did you join them?

Lolerskatez 0

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Tuesday 7 December 2010 12:05

Tis the season to be jolly!

jewban 3

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Tuesday 7 December 2010 12:12

I would do this

TheRealFamilyGuy 5

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Tuesday 7 December 2010 12:35

you can't stop the woodland critters blood orgy!!!

folfg7 0

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Tuesday 7 December 2010 14:08

Bahahahahahah I liked my butt off. are you sure your not just blaning someone else? ;)

mamamiaaa_fml 12

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Tuesday 7 December 2010 15:00

I would have at least taken some pictures. with myself and the dear.

mamamiaaa_fml 12

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Tuesday 7 December 2010 15:02

hahhahahahaffddhzhxjkckvoa I meant deer.

ClickMyPicture 0

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Tuesday 7 December 2010 16:53

Oh boy, can't wait till Santa sees this! Rudolph humping Vixen(;

zkchild 0

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Tuesday 7 December 2010 16:58

They were just trying to help decorate.

maz255 10

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Wednesday 8 December 2010 8:41

falala lalala!!!!

nathan5 0

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Friday 10 December 2010 20:03

hey!

unlocker 0

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Tuesday 7 December 2010 12:03

first to comment

SillyEars 0

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Tuesday 7 December 2010 12:06

*facepalm*

Fiskars02 2

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Tuesday 7 December 2010 12:05

lol pure win. id do the same thing

Healtopia 0

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Tuesday 7 December 2010 13:04

win indeedy

madgolden 0

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Tuesday 7 December 2010 15:37

Me Tooo .

rgermain 0

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Tuesday 7 December 2010 15:42

I love it! It's like when ppl rearrange letters on signs to make awful phrases. Kills me every time.

crimsongetsu 0

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Tuesday 7 December 2010 17:58

WIN!!!!!!

froggi_fml 0

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Tuesday 7 December 2010 12:07

aw haha that's cute. XD

Hayman68 4

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Tuesday 7 December 2010 15:15

so are you lol

hobojo11 0

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Tuesday 7 December 2010 15:18

you and me baby aint nuthen but mamels so lets do it like they do on discovery channel

coolname2016 12

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Saturday 11 December 2010 8:03

Dude that is so old

krdel 0

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Tuesday 7 December 2010 12:09

So now a wooden reindeer has his wood in reindeer?

Amgnowai 0

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Tuesday 7 December 2010 12:25

Haha xD

EffinAhole 0

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Tuesday 7 December 2010 12:26

win

DaveOnDope 4

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Tuesday 7 December 2010 14:46

Win!

Hayman68 4

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Tuesday 7 December 2010 15:17

C-c-c-combo breaker!

rgermain 0

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Tuesday 7 December 2010 15:40

aaaahahha I see what you did there

juliaaalove 8

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Tuesday 7 December 2010 16:07

hahaaa, funny guy.

harleyn 0

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Saturday 11 December 2010 3:34

nice mane

Cass3m0 0

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Tuesday 7 December 2010 12:10

Clearly, they have a sense of humour. Laugh, OP. 'Tis the season to be jolly. :D

kenziemakayla 5

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Wednesday 29 December 2010 14:45

what does op mean?

tandem123 6

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Wednesday 10 August 2011 5:07

Original post or something to that effect.

Quest_ 13

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Tuesday 7 December 2010 12:10

Am I the only one with a boner right now?

Doortje 29

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Tuesday 7 December 2010 12:21

Nope, the reindeer has one too :)

beastette1230 0

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Tuesday 7 December 2010 12:30

#15 win ^ haha

RedPillSucks 31

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Tuesday 7 December 2010 14:50

Is that what you call the guy on the right?

beepbeepington 0

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Tuesday 7 December 2010 15:10

hahahahhahahahah !

MizzErikaHart 8

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Tuesday 7 December 2010 16:01

lmfao at 51!!

Quest_ 13

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Tuesday 7 December 2010 21:24

No need to be hateful assholes.

chewbacca69 0

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Tuesday 7 December 2010 22:37

I do friend I do

Torialovesya 0

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Friday 2 September 2011 3:23

Yep!!

nathan5 0

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Tuesday 7 December 2010 12:11

In no way an fml. thats brilliant! It would definately change a childs idea of reindeers!

nathan5 0

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Tuesday 7 December 2010 13:04

am i not allowed to saw that tgis is not an fml? I did say it was very funny though!

nathan5 0

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Tuesday 7 December 2010 13:06

this*

JonaDona 2

Tuesday 7 December 2010 13:38

why would you say that? Obviously anyone's life would be pretty F up after someone made a wooden deer hump another (sarcasm)

nathan5 0

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Tuesday 7 December 2010 18:05

now come on!!

KGambii 0

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Tuesday 7 December 2010 12:13

Keep it like that ;)

Doortje 29

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Tuesday 7 December 2010 12:14

FYL for not having a sense of humor :(

bioboy725 10

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Wednesday 8 December 2010 1:32

I agree, I hate people with no sense of humor.

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42

You deserved it 11

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39

You deserved it 11

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 745

You deserved it 168

Today, my wife announced she wants to incorporate a saddle into our lovemaking. This might be fine, except she wants me to wear an actual 30-pound saddle, and I have bad knees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 776

You deserved it 94

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