Today, I got expelled from school. I was walking down a flight... - FML

By asshalf15 - 25/7/2014 20:19 - United States - Hacienda Heights

Today, I got expelled from school. I was walking down a flight of stairs when I tripped and bumped into a kid ahead of me by mistake. He fell forward and took half a dozen people down with him. The staff think I did it on purpose, and there's talk of charges being pressed. FML

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Great speech, thanks!

Ambien conversations are the worst

Gas giant

By harambae - 11/9/2016 17:10 - United States - La Grange

Today, I accidentally mooed during sex. FML

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By ohmyx3 - 30/4/2009 02:09 - United States

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house.I've been a vegetarian for 4 years, and his mother made lasagna with meat in it. After telling her I don't eat meat, my boyfriend's father says "we know whose meat she does eat." My boyfriend, his mother, and I were standing right there. FML

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By Speedy - 20/7/2010 13:33 - United Kingdom

Today, I took my driving test for the first time. The instructor stopped it after less than ten minutes, and insisted she drive back to the test centre "in the interest of public safety." FML

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By Anonymous - 18/1/2014 19:49 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, at work, a kid rushed into the bathroom to vomit. Understandable, except he threw up into the sinks. Sinks plural, whose drain holes are so small that only liquid can really pass through. Guess who had to clean up vomit chunks. FML

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By S.Bunny - 22/1/2010 08:14 - United States

Today, I found out that when you hit the neighbor's dog with your car, they might chase you a mile with a shotgun. FML

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By Cano951 - 16/12/2011 20:16 - United States

Today, I was bitched out by a pizza delivery man. I didn't have the cash to pay him for a pizza I didn't even order. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2009 17:36 - United States

Today, I realized that when my new roommate said we could both use the condoms he bought, he didn't mean separately. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2011 18:46 - United States

Today, my baby-crazy mother expressed her concerns that I haven't conceived after a whole two months of marriage. Her advice amounted to "get divorced while you're still hot, sleep around until you get pregnant, then marry the winner." When I complained to my father, he supported her. FML

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By Puzzlepiece - 28/6/2014 14:08 - Australia - Lakemba

Today, I spent the whole day doing a 500 piece puzzle. The last piece didn't fit. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2011 16:00 - United States

Today, while I was waiting in line at McDonalds, I found out I can sneeze, pee, and poop all at the same time. FML

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By Pon - 23/1/2017 18:00

Today, my girlfriend bought me a new hockey jersey and donated my old one. My old one was signed. FML

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By J-Ro - 4/3/2010 05:03 - United States

Today, my guy, who is a PhD candidate, informed me that it is his goal in life to own every Will Ferrell movie. FML

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By anonymous - 25/6/2016 20:03 - United States - Lowell

Today, I was taking a hike through the Appalachians. I lost my balance in a steep area, and grabbed for a root along the trail above me. It turned to not be a root, but a large, angry snake. FML

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By ForgottenAgain - 29/8/2010 16:58 - United States

Today, my boyfriend sat me down to reassure me that his competitive, possessive ex-wife will not come between us or ruin our relationship. Mid-conversation, his phone rang. It was her, and he left to answer it. FML

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By Loser - 29/6/2018 13:30 - United States - Winona

Today, I was skinny dipping with some cute girls from school, one of which I really like. Everything was great until I caught a fish on my own personal nightcrawler and they had to take me to the ER. I'll forever be known as "salmon dick". FML

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By jayc80 - 20/5/2011 17:59 - Bermuda

Today, my boss scheduled a staff breakfast at a swanky new restaurant for all the hard work we've been doing. The dining area is on the roof, and the building has no elevator. I've been in a wheelchair for 11 years. When I brought this to my boss's attention, he said it wasn't his problem. FML

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By tbreezy - 26/11/2018 14:00

Today, I called my ex-girlfriend to see if she would meet up with me so I could give her money to pay off the rest of the TV we had on layaway before we broke up. Turns out she cancelled it and took all the money I put into it. I put $500 down. FML

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By grammarnazi-forareason - 3/7/2013 06:48 - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, I had the questionable honor of explaining the difference between "your" and "you're" to my boss, and very diplomatically make her see why her poor grasp of language could affect our credibility as a communication agency. I'm Swedish, and English is my third language. She's American. FML

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By Kid - 17/3/2010 09:22 - United Kingdom

Today, I bullied a kid at school, just so someone would talk to me. FML

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By CantBlink - 16/7/2012 18:25 - United States - Jersey City

Today, I woke up with a pimple on my eyelid. Not only is it impossible to cover up with makeup, I can't pop it either. Now I'll be spending the rest of the day trying not to blink. FML

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By notsogoodtrainee - 9/7/2015 17:02 - United States - Fargo

Today, at my first day of work, I was impressing my trainer with my skills by carrying many trays at once. Well, I could until I came around the corner and ran into a customer. With food all over his front, he introduced him self to me as the head manager. FML

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By NotCuteEnough - 24/8/2009 21:27 - United States

Today, I was flirting with this guy that had been forced to be my lab partner for class. He was really funny and attractive, too. In the middle of our conversation he said "You're so cute! You remind me of my boyfriend!" FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2014 18:49 - United States - Springfield

Today, as I was waiting in line at the check out, some guy came up behind me, plucked a hair out of my head, and ran off with it. FML

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By get tf over it! - 30/6/2020 20:02

Cartoon villain

Today, I had a Skype interview for a wonderful new job. I was calm, cool and ready to land it. But just like in a bad movie, the interviewer ended up being the creepy guy I turned down repeatedly in high school and in our 20s. He smirked and told me I could continue, but it would be pointless. FML

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By geli - 9/8/2016 00:12

Today, while at the public swimming pool, I gave my 2-year-old daughter a piggy back ride in the pool. We were having fun until I realized she had untied my swim top. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/11/2014 15:54 - United Kingdom - Bath

Today, I learned that the house I've been living in and paying rent for the past two months was never advertised as vacant. I learned this when the actual homeowners walked in, and called the police for an "intruder." FML

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By cbolig - 3/5/2011 12:15

Today, while on a first date with a guy who turned out to be twice my age, we were playing video games at the theatre before the movie started. Suddenly he falls face first while having a seizure. The EMT asked if my "dad" had a history of epilepsy. FML

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By Selfish Whiner - 3/6/2013 11:56 - United Kingdom - Scunthorpe

Today, I started seeing a therapist for my depression. While I was looking through the magazines in the waiting room, I found an article accusing people who see therapists of being selfish and having no real problems. FML

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By soapisyourfriend - 16/2/2016 06:53 - United States - Ashland

Today, cable was installed at my house and the cable guy smelled like some horrid mix of cabbage and cheese. I'm pregnant and suffering from morning sickness. I've sprayed air freshener, lit candles, and opened windows despite the cold outside. I can't get rid of the smell. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2014 22:59 - United States - Dallas

Today, I asked my girlfriend's dad for permission to take her hand in marriage. He said no, because he doesn't want her marrying a "sexist idiot who treats her like property", which he thinks asking permission amounts to, then told me to grow up. FML

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By lovesucks - 18/12/2009 20:26 - United Kingdom

Today, I realised that the most kisses I ever get are in text messages from my Dad. FML

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By Kaitlyn Aronson - 7/12/2018 15:30

Today, my coworker spilled sticky fruit glaze all over my cake display cake and left it overnight uncleaned. The same display case I spent 2 hours cleaning the day before. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/8/2011 16:45 - United States

Today, I got a flat tire in the middle of nowhere. I called AAA, and they said it would take 2 hours to get there. They called 2 hours later saying they got a flat tire and would be there in another 2 hours. FML

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By TimeForANewJob - 16/1/2017 17:47

Today, at work, my colleague started to look for a new job. For me. FML

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By LoveSick - 6/2/2019 04:00

Today, I'm getting married. I woke up with no voice to say my I dos with. FML

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By flimflam - 2/9/2010 17:39 - United States

Today, the elevator broke in my dorm and won't be fixed for several days. I live on the 26th floor. FML

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By Imdead - 14/9/2018 22:00

Today, we're taking the plane home from Dublin after a school trip that I only barely got onto after troubles with my passport. Luckily for me, a kind person has decided to save me from the passport this evening - together with the rest of my wallet. I'm stuck. FML

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By Bruce - 2/2/2012 03:11 - United States

Today, my son learned that when you slide a mug across the kitchen table, it doesn't stop where you expect it to like in the old cartoons. I then learned what it feels like to have a full mug of hot chocolate spilled onto my crotch. FML

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By meowymomma - 25/6/2016 19:21 - United States

Today, I caught my soon to be husband screwing our wedding planner. FML

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By Mrs. Teacher - 18/9/2012 00:21 - United States - Suwanee

Today, I collected my students' notes in class to check them. One girl, who is always drawing weird anime crap in her sketchbook, turned in just one piece of paper that read, "FUCK YOUR CLASS." FML

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Top comments

By explosivepeach | 13

#6019447 - Saturday 26 July 2014 5:09

I would go and see if there was video surveillance to prove it was an accident

By askullnamedbilly | 33

#6019461 - Saturday 26 July 2014 5:13

Isn't it innocent until proven guilty, not the other way around?

COMMENTS

By jlang917 | 14

#6019428 - Saturday 26 July 2014 5:05

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Aero_x | 21

#6019435 - Saturday 26 July 2014 5:07

depends if you go to a traditional or all-year-round school.

Reply

amicusbriefs | 10

#6019436 - Saturday 26 July 2014 5:07

There are schools that go year round...

Reply

AnOriginalName | 19

#6019438 - Saturday 26 July 2014 5:08

Year-round school, summer school, OP posted this two months ago and it just got posted now. Think outside the box, buddy.

Reply

SilaOtlu | 7

#6019594 - Saturday 26 July 2014 6:59

In Australia it's winter and they have school

Reply

addictedtoIASIP | 14

#6019624 - Saturday 26 July 2014 7:47

Yeah but it says OP is from California

Reply

AllStache | 11

#6019653 - Saturday 26 July 2014 8:09

United States*

Reply

JBChristian | 46

#6019676 - Saturday 26 July 2014 8:35

United States - California**

Reply

hellphone_fml | 37

#6019691 - Saturday 26 July 2014 8:57

summer school, its like normal school, but in summer

By VicRC | 7

#6019434 - Saturday 26 July 2014 5:06

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

jvfelicio | 13

#6019504 - Saturday 26 July 2014 5:36

What?

By Aero_x | 21

#6019443 - Saturday 26 July 2014 5:08

They can't prove anything.
And I did that once, but no one knew a thing because I stealthily got up and walked away. they all just blamed eachother.

By cailey1234567890 | 24

#6019445 - Saturday 26 July 2014 5:09

Well thats what you get for being clumsy. Lol
In all seriousness though, that really stinks.
FYL

By explosivepeach | 13

#6019447 - Saturday 26 July 2014 5:09

I would go and see if there was video surveillance to prove it was an accident

Reply

jkmartinjk | 16

#6019646 - Saturday 26 July 2014 8:03

Definitely! I know that most, if not all, schools in my area have cameras everywhere.

By rmoss78 | 10

#6019452 - Saturday 26 July 2014 5:10

Well see ya in court!

By askullnamedbilly | 33

#6019461 - Saturday 26 July 2014 5:13

Isn't it innocent until proven guilty, not the other way around?

Reply

Clay_Pidgeon | 11

#6019520 - Saturday 26 July 2014 5:55

Ha, don't make me laugh...what kinda of backwards world do you think we live in...

Reply

mattbaker | 17

#6019577 - Saturday 26 July 2014 6:49

That's what is happening in courts everywhere. Guilty until proven innocent .

By shudson186 | 17

#6019462 - Saturday 26 July 2014 5:13

This is why I feel cameras should be placed in certain places such as stairwells in schools. Honestly OP truth will always have the same story just keep telling it and someone will listen.

By ghostsoul21 | 12

#6019464 - Saturday 26 July 2014 5:14

I'm sure if you sound truly sincere and honest and have other people who saw vouch for you that they'll believe you! Hope it works out ok OP!

By nardledangers | 5

#6019466 - Saturday 26 July 2014 5:14

i would say that escalated quickly... but it didnt...