Work: Today, I got expelled from school. I was walking down a flight... - FML

By asshalf15 - United States - Hacienda Heights

Today, I got expelled from school. I was walking down a flight of stairs when I tripped and bumped into a kid ahead of me by mistake. He fell forward and took half a dozen people down with him. The staff think I did it on purpose, and there's talk of charges being pressed. FML

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Instadrama

And today, on Dr Phil…

Fuck the patriarchy

By Anonymous - United States - Hyde Park

Today, I woke up to the sound of my psycho ex trying to break down my apartment door. FML

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By Anonymousagb - United Arab Emirates

Today, as I was washing the dishes, I felt what I thought was a mosquito on my leg. I kicked at it with my foot only to realize that I had just kicked my adopted puppy in the face. Now, whenever I come into a room, he runs to the corner and pees. FML

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By kelscait - United States

Today, I had my first kiss with this guy that I really liked. We started making out and he stopped and had this bizarre look on his face. I thought he was liking it, so I said, "You're a good kisser, you wanna go to the bedroom?" He replied with, "I'll pass, you have really bad breath". FML

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By LockedDown - 3/2/2021 23:03 - United States - Vancouver

Need warmth

Today, due to the pandemic and living alone, I finally had some physical human contact for the first time in six months for my dental checkup. Which was also the last contact I had almost a year ago. FML

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By And you think I'M crazy? - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I got into an argument. Naturally, I drove over to my best friend's house for comfort. My boyfriend saw me driving past his house and promptly broke up with me for being "a psycho stalker." She lives across the street from him. FML

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By Stacy Dee - United States

Today, my family is on the third day of driving cross country. My husband is still pretending he is driving on a NASCAR track, sound effects and all. FML

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By sheryl_m - United States

Today, I came home expecting a surprise party. It was my birthday and I had overheard my friends planning it all week. Nobody was there. It turns out the party they were planning was for my friend's dog's birthday. FML

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By LemmyIsWet - United States

Today, I took a relaxing bath, but got the book I was reading slightly wet when getting out. I put it on top of the towel dryer after delicately shaking it. Five minutes later, I heard a splash; I went into the bathroom to find that my book had toppled into the toilet bowl. FML

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By Damian

Today, my mom confused me with my dad. She got in the shower with me. FML

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By State

Today, my best friend asked me to be the best man at his wedding. I had to decline because the bride's family has deep prison gang ties and I'm a correctional officer. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I went to a birthday party for my friend's daughter. I picked up a gift for the girl and another for her parents. I got the mother a cute little garden stone that read "What our children see in the world depends on what we show them." Later, I found out her daughter is blind. FML

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By Revelyn - United States - Compton

Today, I went to get my first acupuncture. The doctor was a cute Korean woman, so I tried to start a conversation. When she pricked me with a needle near the tailbone, I involuntarily let one loose and saw her gag. FML

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By sstahpp - South Africa - Pretoria

Today, while I was taking a long relaxing shower, the shower head decided to fly off and hit me in the face. The dentist couldn't stop laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Sandringham

Today, I realised that I only get dandruff when I'm stressed about having dandruff. Which is whenever I have dandruff. FML

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By Gigi - United States

Today, my crush asked to use my phone so he could Google something. Flattered that he wanted to use my phone, I agreed. After he was done, he handed it back with a weird look. I later realized he had found himself in my top searches. FML

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By Timetoloseweight - France

Today, for my birthday, my friends and family gave me: A Wii Fit, a free year at the gym and a book of diet recipes. They didn't consult with each other. I've asked for "something corresponding to me". FML

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By huwauw - United States

Today, I was doing my homework on the computer when my dad walked by with a plate of food, threw his fork at me, and said "POSTURE!" FML

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By Little Miss Fucket - United States - Fort Worth

Today, I found out my husband has a fake Facebook account that he uses to add guys and live a double life as some kind of "gamer chick". This would be disturbing enough, even if he hadn't used pictures of me to give a face to his alter ego. FML

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By katier8295 - Australia - Perth

Today, I was writing out palm cards and didn't know if I'd spelled a word correctly, so I stared at it for about 10 seconds waiting for spell check to tell me if it was right or not before I realised I was writing on paper. FML

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By naomi3271

Loud fart

Today, I was accidentally scared my one year-old son with my huge, smelly fart that was really loud. He now won't come near me without crying. FML

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By Byron fiddles - Hungary

Today, I was on an Easyjet flight, next to two attractive girls, listening to a track which starts with a woman pleasuring herself. I don't like this track so I go to skip it but accidentally unplug my headphones, activating my phone speakers and revealing the said woman at the peak of her orgasm. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I helped this guy get into his truck after he'd locked his keys in it, and he said thank you and went on his way. Ten minutes later, a woman came out of the grocery store and freaked out, saying someone stole her truck. I helped a guy steal a truck. FML

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By Tang - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, I asked my boyfriend why he wasn't on Facebook for the last two days. It turned out his father found out we were talking, and banned him from logging on. He's 19. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friend got drunk. He always pukes when he gets drunk, but I decided to drive him home anyway. He didn't puke the whole ride. We arrived at his house and he got out. Right as I was about to drive away he stumbled back to my car because he forgot his wallet. He grabbed it and puked on me. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I spent ages looking for a parking space at the mall. I saw a couple walking out of the mall and decided to follow them and take their space when they left. After following them for a good ten minutes, I realised they were heading to the bus stop. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I spent a lot of money buying a birthday gift for a close friend, only to find out I'm not even invited to the party. FML

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By Dead Inside - United States - Elkhart

Today, the family dog was in the garbage and wouldn't stop eating. He is a large dog, and I had to put my arms around him and pull him out of the trash can. Well, he bit me so hard I was bleeding. My whole family is siding with the dog and saying it was my fault for not letting him eat. FML

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By StayPositive - United States

Today, I went to kiss my girlfriend on the neck while she was cooking on the stove. Apparently I scared her and now I have a nice burn mark on my head from the hot frying pan she hit me with. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, someone flirted with me. They kept touching me, insisting we should go out sometime, and hounding me for my number. At a family-only memorial service. FML

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By kiwi - United Kingdom

Today, as I was getting dressed after having sex with a guy I like, he told me I looked better with my clothes on. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2020 20:08 - United States

Wage slave

Today, at work, our customer service chat was empty all day, so I got up to go to bathroom. In the two minutes I was gone, three people tried to chat with me. Then I got a call from my manager, asking me why I wasn't doing my job. He told me to give advanced notice next time I had to pee. FML

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By ashily24

Today, I went and had my first ultrasound done. My husband said he had a meeting at work, and couldn't come. As I was leaving, I saw him at the doctor's office with another heavily pregnant woman. FML

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By chubrubber - United States - Bronx

Today, I participated in a walk for charity. Even though I was supposed to walk 5K, I stopped after 3K because the pain from my thighs rubbing together nearly sent me to tears. FML

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By Addison - Canada - Kingston

Today, my sister was "sexting" her boyfriend over Apple messages. Since we share an iTunes account the messages appeared on my iPod. Apparently, he shouldn't be silly, and should wrap his willy. FML

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By bobra

Helter Skelter

Today, I decided to face my fears and go on my first upside-down ride. Unfortunately for me, the two men in front of me had chosen to eat before the ride and I walked off with bits of strawberry and bacon in my hair, my clothes drenched in whitish fluid, not to mention the stench. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/7/2020 20:00

More issues than Vogue

Today, my wife is grumpy because our son has his first girlfriend and she feels like she’s been replaced. Our son is 32 and surely it’s about damn time. FML

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By goodsister - Canada

Today, I was yelled at and humiliated by my otherwise awesome brother-in-law for my supposed lack of effort in the planning of a baby shower for my very pregnant sister. The kicker? Her huge, break-my-bank semi-surprise baby shower has been in the works for a month and is happening this weekend. FML

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By Micmicmic - Belgium - Brussels

Today, my mom let my younger brother borrow my car. He managed to crash it through the garage door. While I was in another country. Somehow, I manage to get berated by my mom because I'm not doing enough to make my brother feel better about him having an accident involving my car and my house. FML

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By TooYoungForThis - Canada

Today, I sneezed so hard that I threw my back out. Now my back is in agonizing pain, and I can barely walk. FML

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By bubbles - United States

Today, I was taking a bubble bath, and had my iPod touch on the side of my bathtub so I could listen to my music. My dog walked up to the side of the tub, looked me in the eye, and nudged my iPod into the water. FML

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Top comments

By explosivepeach | 13

#6019447 - Saturday 26 July 2014 5:09

I would go and see if there was video surveillance to prove it was an accident

By askullnamedbilly | 33

#6019461 - Saturday 26 July 2014 5:13

Isn't it innocent until proven guilty, not the other way around?

COMMENTS

By jlang917 | 14

#6019428 - Saturday 26 July 2014 5:05

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Aero_x | 21

#6019435 - Saturday 26 July 2014 5:07

depends if you go to a traditional or all-year-round school.

Reply

amicusbriefs | 10

#6019436 - Saturday 26 July 2014 5:07

There are schools that go year round...

Reply

AnOriginalName | 19

#6019438 - Saturday 26 July 2014 5:08

Year-round school, summer school, OP posted this two months ago and it just got posted now. Think outside the box, buddy.

Reply

SilaOtlu | 7

#6019594 - Saturday 26 July 2014 6:59

In Australia it's winter and they have school

Reply

addictedtoIASIP | 14

#6019624 - Saturday 26 July 2014 7:47

Yeah but it says OP is from California

Reply

AllStache | 11

#6019653 - Saturday 26 July 2014 8:09

United States*

Reply

JBChristian | 46

#6019676 - Saturday 26 July 2014 8:35

United States - California**

Reply

hellphone_fml | 37

#6019691 - Saturday 26 July 2014 8:57

summer school, its like normal school, but in summer

By VicRC | 7

#6019434 - Saturday 26 July 2014 5:06

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

jvfelicio | 13

#6019504 - Saturday 26 July 2014 5:36

What?

By Aero_x | 21

#6019443 - Saturday 26 July 2014 5:08

They can't prove anything.
And I did that once, but no one knew a thing because I stealthily got up and walked away. they all just blamed eachother.

By cailey1234567890 | 24

#6019445 - Saturday 26 July 2014 5:09

Well thats what you get for being clumsy. Lol
In all seriousness though, that really stinks.
FYL

By explosivepeach | 13

#6019447 - Saturday 26 July 2014 5:09

I would go and see if there was video surveillance to prove it was an accident

Reply

jkmartinjk | 16

#6019646 - Saturday 26 July 2014 8:03

Definitely! I know that most, if not all, schools in my area have cameras everywhere.

By rmoss78 | 10

#6019452 - Saturday 26 July 2014 5:10

Well see ya in court!

By askullnamedbilly | 33

#6019461 - Saturday 26 July 2014 5:13

Isn't it innocent until proven guilty, not the other way around?

Reply

Clay_Pidgeon | 11

#6019520 - Saturday 26 July 2014 5:55

Ha, don't make me laugh...what kinda of backwards world do you think we live in...

Reply

mattbaker | 17

#6019577 - Saturday 26 July 2014 6:49

That's what is happening in courts everywhere. Guilty until proven innocent .

By shudson186 | 17

#6019462 - Saturday 26 July 2014 5:13

This is why I feel cameras should be placed in certain places such as stairwells in schools. Honestly OP truth will always have the same story just keep telling it and someone will listen.

By ghostsoul21 | 12

#6019464 - Saturday 26 July 2014 5:14

I'm sure if you sound truly sincere and honest and have other people who saw vouch for you that they'll believe you! Hope it works out ok OP!

By nardledangers | 5

#6019466 - Saturday 26 July 2014 5:14

i would say that escalated quickly... but it didnt...