Miscellaneous: Today, I had a dream in which I was arguing with my mom. In the...

By Grubendol - United States

Today, I had a dream in which I was arguing with my mom. In the dream, she threatened to hit me, and I told her I'd do it myself. I reared back and knocked the crap out of myself. I'm awake now, and my jaw still hurts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27530

You deserved it

5980

Favorite

Miscellaneous

Recycling helps

Trip Advisor says no

Public transport FTW

By Anonymous - United States

Today, while I was driving out of the student parking lot I saw people laughing. Then the old security lady yelled for me to stop. She told me my books were on the top of my car but one had already fallen off. I looked in my rearview mirror and saw all of my school papers flying everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16959

You deserved it

31193

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, for our last kid-free dinner before the birth of our 4th child, we chose a Japanese hibachi restaurant. They sat us with a family with a toddler, who started screaming at the first flame trick, causing the chef to cease to do anything entertaining. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34667

You deserved it

4545

Favorite

By Anonymous - 19/5/2020 14:00

Spare wheel

Today, an ex of mine told me she wanted a threesome. This was great until I realised I wasn't included. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1213

You deserved it

384

Favorite

By Willow McGarrigle - 4/6/2020 23:00

Manipulation

Today, my ex, who I only dated for 3 months, told me the only reason why he dated me was because he thought my sister was hot, and he just wanted to get closer to her. So thank you for that. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1589

You deserved it

110

Favorite

By EternalBlossom - United States

Today, I had decided that I was ready to have sex with my boyfriend. So, I called him and told him how naughty I felt, only to realize that I had called my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28426

You deserved it

23847

Favorite

By IvyBlackeyes

Today, I sprained my ankle at dance class. No, I was not dancing when I did it. I was trying to step off on a small mat so I could go home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2408

You deserved it

257

Favorite

By awilson - United States

Today, I was eating MandMs on a chair when I dropped one and it fell under my crotch. My mom came in to see my hand on my crotch and me muttering, "Where is that little bastard?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

65686

You deserved it

16796

Favorite

By meish - United States - Chicago

Today, I got my own row on an almost full transatlantic flight. All it took was having food poisoning two hours into the flight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13397

You deserved it

964

Favorite

By Anonymous - 8/12/2020 09:02 - Romania

Fandoms are weird

Today, even three months after seeing 'Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan', I can’t think about anything or anyone except Saavik anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks

260

You deserved it

449

Favorite

By ooops - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I went to have dinner with my girlfriend and her family. It got silent, so, noticing her legs were darker than they were a few hours ago, I wanted to ask her if she used tanning lotion. I ended up asking her if her legs were fake. Her dad has prosthetic legs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25556

You deserved it

7249

Favorite

By sunshine19217 - United States

Today, I took the time to make myself look nice just so that the pizza guy would think I had a life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31450

You deserved it

8652

Favorite

By Akashi - 22/7/2020 14:00

Nutfirecracker

Today, my boyfriend and I were sitting on the couch and his legs were on my lap. We heard a loud firework from somewhere outside our window, we both jumped and I felt the pain of him kicking me in the nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1182

You deserved it

378

Favorite

By Jessy - United Kingdom

Today, I was driving home when I saw my boyfriend chundering on the side of the road, into an old lady's shopping basket. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23109

You deserved it

2767

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I met a really nice guy. He was funny, handsome, and we were both into each other. He told me his name, and when I replied with mine, it came out sounding like "I'm a bear." FML

I agree, your life sucks

21871

You deserved it

16324

Favorite

By photonut13 - Canada

Today, I found out my mother had remarried, and that I was getting a stepfather and stepbrother. However I found out about it 30 minutes before we left to pick them up from the airport, and also found out that I'm losing my bedroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44458

You deserved it

2989

Favorite

By thedudeman14 - United States - Deer Park

Today, my phone died while I was on the phone with my girlfriend. When I finally got a charger, I saw a text message from her. I'm now single. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35346

You deserved it

3157

Favorite

By pinkpanther61789

Thanks for the support, guys!

Today, for the first time in months, I wore my naturally curly hair instead of straightening it. Later on at work, a customer pointed at my hair and said, "Look, Bellatrix fucked a poodle." All my coworkers laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1654

You deserved it

122

Favorite

By eminem blows cock - Ireland - Kilflynn

Today, after having stayed up all night studying, all the coffee I'd drank to keep me awake hit my gut with a vengeance. I ended up missing two exams because I was emptying my bowels into the toilet all morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22183

You deserved it

9697

Favorite

By poorcar - United States

Today, my parents asked if they could borrow my car. Why? Because they were going to see someone about a Craig's List ad and wanted to look poor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39122

You deserved it

3636

Favorite

By Anonymous - 7/1/2021 20:01 - Australia

A for Effort

Today, I thought I would spice things up a bit and rocked my man's world, but in the kitchen. Apparently, some of his cum must have got on the tiles because I slipped on it 15 minutes later. In doing so I smacked my head on the fridge.. FML

I agree, your life sucks

952

You deserved it

587

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Romford

Today, I told my parents that I was going to hang out with some friends. My dad guffawed and said, "Ooh, look at Mary, pretending she has a social life." Thanks, Dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31342

You deserved it

3292

Favorite

By RubyRed213

Today, I found out that my parents are extremely active swingers by finding their online profile with photos of my mom with a dildo. I guess those out-of-town trips weren't just holidays. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4168

You deserved it

393

Favorite

By talwin - Reserved

Today, I discovered that the more money I earn, the more my personal belongings break down on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30131

You deserved it

3259

Favorite

By technicallywroteabook - United States - Grapevine

Today, I turned in an essay about a book I'd read over the summer. My teacher later called me to her desk and began to gush about how interesting the book sounded and asked to borrow my copy. The book I wrote about is not real, and the main characters are named after my childhood pets. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22924

You deserved it

17114

Favorite

By dadadoo - United States

Today, while on the bus, I watched a homeless man pop a pimple on his arm and eat it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33773

You deserved it

3300

Favorite

By beccaj_ilh - United Kingdom

Today, while I was working in a bar, a very fat drunk guy kept flirting with me. He assumed I liked him because I kept blushing. I didn’t. It’s just been so long since anyone flirted with me that I apparently now cannot control my reactions if a man talks to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40592

You deserved it

6775

Favorite

By robbed - United States

Today, I was walking through my house when I saw a strange man sitting on my couch. I asked him who he was and he said he was a friend of my mom's. He told me to join him and when I sat down, he punched me in the face and stole my cell phone, wallet, and car keys. FML

I agree, your life sucks

62144

You deserved it

24292

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Grandville

Today, I heard from my dad for the first time in over six months. It was through Facebook, in a message blaming my brothers and me for his horrible life, and in which he spelled my name wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38385

You deserved it

2489

Favorite

By MouseChaser - United States

Today, I learned that as adorable as it might be to watch your cat follow your cursor around the screen, the humor ends when she dives into and breaks the monitor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11938

You deserved it

28215

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I'm a 19 year old college student in NYC, it's Friday night and I'm sitting alone on my bed in my dorm room, talking to my mother on facebook chat. Then she stopped responding. Turns out even my mother has better things to do on Friday night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31065

You deserved it

6484

Favorite

By Sam - United States

Today, after twisting my knee playing soccer with my friends, I had to take myself to the hospital. Apparently finishing the game was more important to them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29922

You deserved it

4635

Favorite

By Alex - Belgium

Today, I was notified that I've been going to the wrong courses for 4 weeks. A friend of mine was the only person to tell me that the administration had taken the privilege to change my courses. I have now failed 5 courses due to absences and have been suspended from college for 6 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42552

You deserved it

5358

Favorite

By musicteacher - United States - Bethania

Today, I've managed to go my whole nine-year teaching career without anyone vomiting in my classroom. That record was broken today when someone vomited four successive times in front of a class of 46 students. It was me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34333

You deserved it

2903

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to formally introduce my girlfriend to my parents. My dad took the opportunity to apologize for walking in on us a few days ago while we were having sex. It wasn't her. Thanks dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26269

You deserved it

274527

Favorite

By danskinnow - United States

Today, I went to a store to buy a man's thong because my girlfriend wanted me to. When I went in I also grabbed some lingerie for her. Thinking I was being clever I wrapped it up in a t-shirt so no one would notice and went to checkout. The cashier then called for a price check on the thong. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13077

You deserved it

34595

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Apache Junction

Today, I was at a bus stop making small talk with a really nice girl, when all of a sudden some kids let off firecrackers behind me. I shrieked like a little girl and practically jumped into her lap. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22361

You deserved it

4835

Favorite

By Noname - United States

Today, I fell down a flight of stairs onto cement and had to get stitches in my knee. The class I was running to was Buddhist Philosophy where I was supposed to give a presentation on how we all need to slow down and stop rushing through life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25181

You deserved it

62494

Favorite

By bdayboy - United States

Today, some of my classmates brought cupcakes to celebrate my birthday. I took the leftovers with me after class, and when my mom picked me up from school, she asked, "What are the cupcakes for?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

35266

You deserved it

2816

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, we were building the homecoming float, the theme is Seasons of Love. We went around the yard and put random leaves on the float. My friend's dad looked at the float and said, "You do realize that's poison ivy?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

10767

You deserved it

30167

Favorite

By juice723 - United States - Marblehead

Today, my friends started calling me "Soberman" because I recently gave up alcohol and have a Doberman. Normally, I wouldn't mind the nickname, but they call me Soberman everywhere. My new boss now thinks it's because I AM an alcoholic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42311

You deserved it

3176

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By sweet2u22 | 9

#3736013 - Thursday 15 December 2011 22:36

This is probably one of the funniest FMLs I've ever read.

By jackassiddy | 8

#3736017 - Thursday 15 December 2011 22:37

I guess be glad she didn't say she was gonna beat you till you shit your pants?

COMMENTS

By ShazzRandom | 7

#3735996 - Thursday 15 December 2011 22:36

Did you lose any teeth like you see on movies when people get knocked in the jaw? That's gotta hurt!

Pabs24 | 0

#3736029 - Thursday 15 December 2011 22:38

FALCON PUNCH.

KelpForBrains | 0

#3736164 - Thursday 15 December 2011 22:51

8 - That comment was so bad I cut off my left nipple.

Zackaray | 0

#3736202 - Thursday 15 December 2011 22:56

Pretty drastic measures to go to for JUST seeing a bad comment, don't you think? I would have done something way less than that, such as slicing out my jugular. But cutting off your nipple!? That has to be too far.

Damn_Hippster | 11

#3736490 - Friday 16 December 2011 0:02

Oh the irony. Although that kind of stuff happens to me as well.

TheDeadlyTurtle | 7

#3737352 - Friday 16 December 2011 3:27

Op: "screw u mom!"
Op's mom walks by:WTH??
Op's Mom: I can knock u out! Starts chuckling
Op: I can do it myself! Wham!
Op's mom starts running down hallway laughing.

cumatmebro | 0

#3740421 - Friday 16 December 2011 16:07

I haven't laughed this much in ages. :)

ShazzRandom | 7

#3748305 - Sunday 18 December 2011 5:47

Kelpforbrains was it the same nipple that got caught in the trumpet case?

By CudIEpie | 0

#3736009 - Thursday 15 December 2011 22:36

Why would you do it yourself?

crazychick1269 | 7

#3736035 - Thursday 15 December 2011 22:38

it was in a dream they didn't purposely do it

jackassiddy | 8

#3736057 - Thursday 15 December 2011 22:39

I guess OP thought " if you want something done right.."

rciccone | 0

#3739821 - Friday 16 December 2011 13:40

lmao ask mike aka the situation the same thing when he knocked himself out when fighting with ronnie

jackassiddy | 8

#3740073 - Friday 16 December 2011 14:51

^The three things that will get you automatically thumbed down for mentioning: Twilight, Justin Beiber, Jersey Shore. *thumbs own comment down for mentioning the unholy trinity*

By sweet2u22 | 9

#3736013 - Thursday 15 December 2011 22:36

This is probably one of the funniest FMLs I've ever read.

HentaiBunny | 4

#3736696 - Friday 16 December 2011 1:06

I agree. It's so weird and hilarious.

By jackassiddy | 8

#3736017 - Thursday 15 December 2011 22:37

I guess be glad she didn't say she was gonna beat you till you shit your pants?

Crazyjoe33 | 6

#3736611 - Friday 16 December 2011 0:38

That would be a "shitty" situation...

docscientist | 9

#3736923 - Friday 16 December 2011 1:31

Fuck you, crazyjoe.

Crazyjoe33 | 6

#3746112 - Saturday 17 December 2011 18:16

What? Did you want to say it?

By MrSchneebly | 5

#3736018 - Thursday 15 December 2011 22:37

I hope you dont share a bed with anyone, they could end up in a bad way

M0rt | 0

#3736247 - Thursday 15 December 2011 23:04

Considering how he dreams about his mom I think it's safe to say he sleeps alone

Torva_fml | 16

#3738045 - Friday 16 December 2011 4:51

Last I checked cupcakes were slutty wanna-be muffins who wear too much frosting to try to cover up their blemishes. Muffins on the other hand... Are just beautiful.