Miscellaneous: Today, I had a dream in which I was arguing with my mom. In the...

By Grubendol - United States

Today, I had a dream in which I was arguing with my mom. In the dream, she threatened to hit me, and I told her I'd do it myself. I reared back and knocked the crap out of myself. I'm awake now, and my jaw still hurts. FML

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Miscellaneous

Out of it

Our house, in the middle of our street

Great job, dude

By paranoid - United States

Today, I was walking on a path through a park by myself. I glanced at the ground and saw a shadow behind me. Thinking of an attacker, I screamed as loud as I could and began flailing my arms to ward him off. Turns out, it was a jogger. He had to stop due to his uncontrollable laughter. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Redlands

Today, it was my birthday. It was also the only day my family wanted to hold the graveside funeral for my grandmother who passed last week. FML

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By dogggg - India - Pune

Today, I caught my dog drinking from the toilet. After yelling at him, his apology was licking my face. FML

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By Dalistair - United States - High Point

Today, my aunt drove to my house and screamed at me for skateboarding in her driveway and denting her car. She then ransacked my room for said skateboard so she could break it in half. My aunt lives 4 hours away. I don't own a skateboard. FML

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By brokenkneechick - United States

Today, I called the campus police to give me a ride to the cafeteria since I am on crutches from knee surgery. I was only halfway into the car when the man started driving and ran over my foot. Now neither my right knee or my left foot work. FML

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By letdown - 19/7/2020 14:01

Great timing

Today, I finally had sex with a coworker I’d been flirting with for nearly 2 and half years. The sex lasted less than 2 and a half minutes. FML

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By wellgreat - United States

Today, I was in the Student Union when a man a came up to me and asked if I wanted to be in a study to see how men acted differently when working with attractive women. Flattered and taken aback, I agreed. He then told me I would be part of the control group to see how they act around plain looking women. FML

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By NewDrugs - United States - Charlotte

Today, I went back home after seeing the doctor, I told my boyfriend my new medicine might cause some mood swings. He immediately grabbed his phone and pretended to take a call, then rushed out. FML

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By ihatemyjob

Today, I worked from 8 to 7 without a break and I'm still not done with my assignment. Meanwhile, my co-worker crafted a piece of paper looking like a watermelon slice and posted a picture of herself seemingly taking a bite out of it. FML

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By WhyAppleWhy - United States - Sarasota

Today, I was watching some pretty intense porn on my Macbook. I unplugged the second monitor so I could lie on my bed. Instead of defaulting to the screen, Airplay somehow synced it to the living room TV, where the rest of my family was watching a movie. FML

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By ladygrey

Today, my daughter informed me that she hates everything about her appearance and wants to get every possible plastic surgery when she’s older. She’s 7. FML

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By No thanks - United States

Today, I was called a bitch and "freaky as hell" because I don't like watermelon. I'm sorry, but just because I'm black doesn't mean I like watermelon. FML

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By Crotch_Rocket_Rider - United States

Today, when approaching a stop light on my motorcycle, I went to extend my left leg as usual to balance when stopped. Apparently my shoelace loop got wrapped around the shift lever and "tied" my shoe to the bike. It's hard to look cool when you fall over for no apparent reason at a stoplight. FML

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By Quendolin - Germany

Today, I put one of those checkout dividers in front of my groceries on the conveyor belt in the supermarket. The guy standing in front of me turned around, looked me straight in the eye and said "I don't trust you." as he put a second divider between our groceries. FML

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By TheRuleEnforcer - United States

Today, I was hit by a car in a parking lot. The person sped off; I broke three ribs. My parents screamed at me for not getting the driver's info. FML

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By Detroitman125

Today, my name was left off of the program at our band concert. I would have been fine with this if it wasn't the third time in a row that this has happened. Yes, I did show them each time. FML

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By ShowOff - United Kingdom

Today, I tried to demonstrate to my friend how laughably dull our kitchen knives are by swiping one across my palm. Turns out Dad noticed the problem yesterday and sharpened them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sanford

Today, I was visiting my cousin's farm. Going out for a morning stroll, I took an apple with me to munch along the way. As I was eating it, I heard a distant thumping sound and was suddenly slammed into the ground. When I looked up, a horse was eating my apple. I got mugged by a horse. FML

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By damn dog - United States

Today, during a firework show, my dog gave me her opinion about them by practically eating half my bedroom door then defecating on my bed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bronx

Today, I got locked in my boyfriend's garage in my underwear while his parents ripped him a new one for having sex beneath their roof. His sister had to let me out. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I got pulled over for going a few miles per hour over the speed limit. The cop asked for my license and registration. I happened to look down at my wallet while he was processing everything and saw my license in my wallet. I gave the cop my fake I.D. FML

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By XmasGrinch

Today, on Christmas Eve, as I was getting my car loaded for the holiday rounds to the in-laws and parents, my car decided now was the time to break down. I recently put in over $1000 fixing it. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, the highlight of my day was a conversation about Disney, which ranged from Pocahontas lunch boxes to Disneyland Paris. I don't know who was more excited; me, a 20 year old man, or the 6 year old girl I was talking to. FML

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By jerry Jerry Jerry

All in the family

Today, I found out the truth about my parents’ divorce and why our family is so distant. Turns out my dad had an affair with not one, but two of my mom’s sisters. And that my youngest cousin is also my half-sister. FML

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By hey-o - United States

Today, I went to the hair salon to cut 6 in. off my hair. When I got there I decided to get my upper lip waxed for the first time. When my boyfriend came to pick me up for our date I asked if he noticed anything different about me, the first thing he said was "I see you got rid of you mustache." FML

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By dmanrique - United States

Today, my friend decided to jump out of a moving car. I had to explain to the nice old lady who stopped that my friend who was convulsing on the ground wasn't on drugs, he's just really stupid. FML

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By Lesbihonest - Australia - Gymea

Today, my co-worker told me how "lucky" I am that I "chose" to be a lesbian, because I don't have to deal with "guy drama". I spent two years of my adolescence sleeping at a bus stop and begging strangers for money after I got kicked out of home. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my fiancé called and hung up right after I answered. He called back 5 minutes later demanding to know the name of the man who answered my phone. This "man" was me. I have bronchitis. Yes, he's aware of this. FML

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By kaylashay2k13 - United States - Mission

Today, my boyfriend was trying to tackle me to the bed when we heard a loud pop. The pop turned out to be him breaking my pinky finger. FML

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By Jaymail

You snooze, you lose

Today, I saw some really nice dining room chairs sitting out on the curb waiting for the garbage man. I went to the door to ask the owners why they were throwing them out. They told me it was because they had just bought new furniture. While I was talking to the owner, somebody else picked them up. FML

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By SocialAnxietySucks - United States - Houghton

Today, the clock in the study lounge was off, so I was half-an-hour late to class. I was too embarrassed to walk in late, so I sat for the next half-hour with my ear against the door trying to hear the lecture. People stopped to ask if there was something wrong with me. Yeah, probably. FML

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By danjoylovefun - United States

Today, I woke up to shit on my floor and my cat hiding under my comforter. I have to get rid of my new fish because my cat is afraid of it. FML

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By Meghan Elise

Today, I found that there were charges of almost 2,000 dollars on my bank account. Some asshole in Florida stole my money. I have bills and that was money I saved to buy myself a new car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, during a major fight with my boyfriend, I threw a necklace he had given me out the window, thinking it was just a cheap trinket. He then told me, for the first time, that that necklace had belonged to his now deceased grandma. FML

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By PghSportsNation - United States

Today, I awoke to my cat with micro pellets all over him. He'd destroyed a pillow containing them, and now there are thousands of these pellets throughout the entire house. My vacuum is broken. FML

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By anonymous - France

Today, I woke up to a broken window and 3 guys sitting in my living room watching TV. FML

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By ribx - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, despite feeling healthier than ever, losing fat, gaining muscle and having perfect blood results, my morbidly obese relatives keep telling me that my new vegan diet is "unhealthy". FML

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By pardon my English :$ - France

Today, I let a friend read a draft of the novel I'm writing. She claimed the antagonist is blatantly based on her, and threatened to sue me if I don't pay her royalties. The antagonist is an ancient, insane goblin witch. I guess I see now how this confusion could arise. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I had to ask my mum not to meditate while driving. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend went down on me for the first time. It would have been great, if a mate of his didn't tell him to put Listerine strips in his mouth first "for the tingle." I've been running cold water over my burning genitals for 15 minutes while he laughs in the door. FML

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Top comments

By sweet2u22 | 9

#3736013 - Thursday 15 December 2011 22:36

This is probably one of the funniest FMLs I've ever read.

By jackassiddy | 8

#3736017 - Thursday 15 December 2011 22:37

I guess be glad she didn't say she was gonna beat you till you shit your pants?

COMMENTS

By ShazzRandom | 7

#3735996 - Thursday 15 December 2011 22:36

Did you lose any teeth like you see on movies when people get knocked in the jaw? That's gotta hurt!

Pabs24 | 0

#3736029 - Thursday 15 December 2011 22:38

FALCON PUNCH.

KelpForBrains | 0

#3736164 - Thursday 15 December 2011 22:51

8 - That comment was so bad I cut off my left nipple.

Zackaray | 0

#3736202 - Thursday 15 December 2011 22:56

Pretty drastic measures to go to for JUST seeing a bad comment, don't you think? I would have done something way less than that, such as slicing out my jugular. But cutting off your nipple!? That has to be too far.

Damn_Hippster | 11

#3736490 - Friday 16 December 2011 0:02

Oh the irony. Although that kind of stuff happens to me as well.

TheDeadlyTurtle | 7

#3737352 - Friday 16 December 2011 3:27

Op: "screw u mom!"
Op's mom walks by:WTH??
Op's Mom: I can knock u out! Starts chuckling
Op: I can do it myself! Wham!
Op's mom starts running down hallway laughing.

cumatmebro | 0

#3740421 - Friday 16 December 2011 16:07

I haven't laughed this much in ages. :)

ShazzRandom | 7

#3748305 - Sunday 18 December 2011 5:47

Kelpforbrains was it the same nipple that got caught in the trumpet case?

By CudIEpie | 0

#3736009 - Thursday 15 December 2011 22:36

Why would you do it yourself?

crazychick1269 | 7

#3736035 - Thursday 15 December 2011 22:38

it was in a dream they didn't purposely do it

jackassiddy | 8

#3736057 - Thursday 15 December 2011 22:39

I guess OP thought " if you want something done right.."

rciccone | 0

#3739821 - Friday 16 December 2011 13:40

lmao ask mike aka the situation the same thing when he knocked himself out when fighting with ronnie

jackassiddy | 8

#3740073 - Friday 16 December 2011 14:51

^The three things that will get you automatically thumbed down for mentioning: Twilight, Justin Beiber, Jersey Shore. *thumbs own comment down for mentioning the unholy trinity*

By sweet2u22 | 9

#3736013 - Thursday 15 December 2011 22:36

This is probably one of the funniest FMLs I've ever read.

HentaiBunny | 4

#3736696 - Friday 16 December 2011 1:06

I agree. It's so weird and hilarious.

By jackassiddy | 8

#3736017 - Thursday 15 December 2011 22:37

I guess be glad she didn't say she was gonna beat you till you shit your pants?

Crazyjoe33 | 6

#3736611 - Friday 16 December 2011 0:38

That would be a "shitty" situation...

docscientist | 9

#3736923 - Friday 16 December 2011 1:31

Fuck you, crazyjoe.

Crazyjoe33 | 6

#3746112 - Saturday 17 December 2011 18:16

What? Did you want to say it?

By MrSchneebly | 5

#3736018 - Thursday 15 December 2011 22:37

I hope you dont share a bed with anyone, they could end up in a bad way

M0rt | 0

#3736247 - Thursday 15 December 2011 23:04

Considering how he dreams about his mom I think it's safe to say he sleeps alone

Torva_fml | 16

#3738045 - Friday 16 December 2011 4:51

Last I checked cupcakes were slutty wanna-be muffins who wear too much frosting to try to cover up their blemishes. Muffins on the other hand... Are just beautiful.