Today, I had a dream in which I was arguing with my mom. In the...

By Grubendol - 15/12/2011 17:30 - United States

Today, I had a dream in which I was arguing with my mom. In the dream, she threatened to hit me, and I told her I'd do it myself. I reared back and knocked the crap out of myself. I'm awake now, and my jaw still hurts. FML

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Miscellaneous

Messed up

Serious times

Trip Advisor says no

By Hesjustapuppy - 10/5/2016 12:56 - United States - Kalamazoo

Today, while I have never been able to say my dog ate my homework, I do get to call several people and tell them my dog ate my wallet. He even chewed up my driver's license. FML

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By Backinzi - 30/7/2011 23:58 - United States

Today, my 17 pound cat fell from a counter. It wouldn't have been a big deal if he didn't try to use my leg as a tree to cling onto on the way down. FML

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By Jen__ - 22/3/2014 07:18 - Canada - Kitimat

Today, once again I was told I looked a bit like Lindsay Lohan. I can't figure out if they mean the young, good looking one, or the current cracked out rehab version. FML

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By Jolabanane - 21/5/2015 11:51 - France

Today, my neighbor was having work done in his apartment, and he'd warned me that there might be some noise. Yes, there was, what with all the town's firemen in the building after he'd ruptured the main gas pipe. FML

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By ThreeTimesUnlucky - 17/10/2012 18:52 - South Africa - Edenvale

Today, I received another letter of rejection from the university of my dreams. I got it the first time, but thanks for reminding me. FML

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By Fuzy - 15/12/2008 03:24 - France

Today, my Art Director once again turned down a demo model (for an advertisement) that I'd been working on for a week. This time he took his belt off and started thrashing the model to pieces. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2012 00:49 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I was refused employment at a liquor store. Their reason? I'm a regular customer and they're afraid I'll drink all their profits. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2009 00:52 - Canada

Today, I found out that I'm going to be a mother. This was a mystery, since I take birth control and use condoms all the time. Or, at least, it was, until my mother admitted to swapping my pills and poking holes in my condoms so she could have a grandchild before she died. FML

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By itsjustwill - 17/1/2013 00:35 - United States - Puyallup

Today, our company's owner's son took over. The first thing he did? Fire me. Why? He said my sales are down. I work in Public Relations. FML

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By RingofFire - 3/6/2016 23:23 - United States - Edenville

Today, I was standing on the patio when one of my upstairs neighbors threw a cigarette butt over the balcony. It landed on my head and burned some of my hair. FML

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By still learning - 26/2/2012 17:42 - Canada

Today, I cut myself while shaving my globes. My girlfriend now refuses to stop teasing me about being "fisted by Edward Scissorhands." FML

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By banananana - 25/9/2019 20:00 - Switzerland

Gag reflex

Today, my dentist applied a paste on my teeth to make them more resistant. It tasted so disgustingly like artificial banana that I had to throw up. I'm not allowed to brush my teeth, drink or eat for 4 hours. FML

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By jdch_99 - 3/11/2012 05:34 - Canada - Kitchener

Today, I'm at home, sick with walking pneumonia and a raging UTI. Every time I cough, I piss myself. I'm now having to lie on a bath towel and garbage bags until the meds kick in. FML

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By Kristopher - 8/3/2010 19:31 - United States

Today, I moved into my aunt's house. She had a little too much fun in the sixties and now tells everyone about her many imagined conquests, including her church minister and several has-been celebrities. As a plus, I discovered she has a habit of wandering around the house in the nude. FML

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By nick92 - 15/10/2010 16:40 - United States

Today, I discovered my boyfriend's family approves of me, not because I'm friendly and intelligent, but because I'm an adequate addition to their gene pool. FML

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By EmbarrassedDaughter - 23/5/2010 07:27 - Canada

Today, I was on my bed on top of my boyfriend when I lost my balance and fell. My father walked in the door to see what the noise was. I don't know what is more embarrassing, my father walking in, or him walking in saying "Thats an expensive bed." FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2013 18:08 - United States - Parker

Today, I went to my first job interview in months. Just minutes in, a sudden huge, uncontrollable sneeze overcame me. A wad of snot flew out onto my shirt, which I didn't even notice until the visibly disgusted interviewer pointed it out. FML

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By Che_likes_you - 12/12/2014 15:15 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I had to babysit my 7-year-old niece while my brother bought Christmas presents. After he left, she walked up to me and said in a very dark voice, "I'm gonna make you hate children!" Now my apartment looks like a bomb site. FML

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By Not Supportive - 19/5/2019 16:06

Today, it was my boyfriend's grandfather's funeral and visitation. These things make me nervous so I, not thinking, made comments that included the words killing, dying and death. I'm a rubbish support system. FML

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By wdavi022 - 5/1/2011 09:01

Today, I found out my identity was stolen. The person got credit cards in my name and didn't pay the bills, which has ruined my near perfect credit. The worst part about all of this is that I can't turn the person in. It's my mom, and sending her to jail wouldn't really work out for anyone. FML

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By lifesucksbigtimefuys - 4/12/2011 08:36 - United Kingdom

Today, the girl I've had a crush on for years asked if I could be her "emergency gay friend". Worst part? I said yes. FML

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By Aphrodite - 23/1/2010 21:13 - France

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend, when the Taco Bell I'd eaten for lunch came back up for round two. Undigested rice and beans got stuck in his hair. FML

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By asdfasdf - 24/1/2009 15:14 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend said she didn't want to have sex because it takes too long. FML

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By Blamethepostman - 16/9/2016 15:10

Today, I bought stamps to send a letter. For some unknown reason, instead of putting the stamp on the letter, I posted the letter and the stamp booklet into the postbox. FML

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By ididntevendrinkthatnight - 7/6/2013 05:14 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I got mugged on the way to my 21st birthday party at a bar. I begged the thug to at least throw me my ID, only to have him laugh and run away singing "happy birthday". FML

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By anonymous - 31/10/2011 19:11 - United States

Today, I woke up excited to go trick-or-treating, the treat being candy. Instead, my town has officially postponed Halloween due to blackouts. I guess this is where the trick comes in. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2013 23:30 - United States - Mission

Today, my boyfriend gave me the painting he had been working on. It was a heart with wings, my name, and the date we started dating. We have been dating for almost a year and a half. He misspelled my name. FML

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By brooke - 13/8/2012 04:45 - United States

Today, while out at dinner with my boyfriend, I accidentally ripped out my tampon picking a wedgie. FML

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By DFR - 9/6/2010 13:05 - United States

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me in a really really romantic way. After we called our parents to tell them the news, he turned to me and said, "Hey, I hope you know this doesn't mean you can start getting lazy with your blowjobs." FML

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By brown and sticky - 16/1/2020 14:00 - United States - Baltimore

Food poisoning

Today, I got food poisoning. After leaving class 4 times to poop, I sharted in the school bus on the ride home. FML

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By Scarred4Life - 1/1/2012 06:18 - United States

Today, the last few seconds of my 2011 was spent staring at my drunk, naked uncle pouring olive oil over himself and rubbing it in. FML

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By HouseWife - 21/5/2014 02:24 - United States - Valley Park

Today, I had to take my daughter home from school because she had been caught flashing the boys during class. I tried to explain to her that it wasn't an appropriate way to act or behave but she interrupted me, "Mom, you don't even understand." You're right. I don't. FML

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By cody4prez - 15/7/2016 18:23

Today, my dad told my mom to hurry up or they'd miss the start of their concert. She said "I'm coming, I'm coming..." and without thinking, I blurted "That's what she said." They're super religious, and I'm now grounded till January. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2013 23:20 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my 16-year-old daughter burned all her baby photos because they were unflattering and made her "look fat". FML

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By whatever - 24/11/2012 07:02 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my long distance boyfriend broke up with me. Tomorrow he should be expecting the super long love letter that I poured my heart into and sent him a week ago. FML

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By lonestar - 3/2/2010 13:57 - United States

Today, my boyfriend accused me of deleting my texts from my phone because I'm afraid of him finding out about another man in my life. Truth is, I don't have a life outside of him. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/4/2020 14:00

That devil water

Today, my boyfriend went to his friends house to drink. He told me he’s a happy drinker, and I believed him. He calls me drunk about three hours later and tells me he’s been thinking about cheating on me for a long time, and that he also thinks about "being with other women." FML

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By awkward - 26/7/2013 18:00 - United States - Yorba Linda

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. Instead of moaning like any normal person, he just kept saying stuff like "uh-huh," "not too bad," and "yup" in a complete monotone. It was probably the most uncomfortable experience of my life. FML

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By Sleepy head - 7/10/2013 01:34 - United States

Today, I fell asleep while my boyfriend and I were having sex. What's worse is that he didn't even notice. FML

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By me - 24/4/2014 15:32 - United States - Paris

Today, my Spanish teacher imitated the sound of a coffee grinder, and then said in Spanish, "OK, all of you do it." I did it, thinking everyone else would too. I was the only one in the class who'd understood the Spanish part. FML

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Top comments

By sweet2u22 | 9

#3736013 - Thursday 15 December 2011 22:36

This is probably one of the funniest FMLs I've ever read.

By jackassiddy | 8

#3736017 - Thursday 15 December 2011 22:37

I guess be glad she didn't say she was gonna beat you till you shit your pants?

COMMENTS

By ShazzRandom | 7

#3735996 - Thursday 15 December 2011 22:36

Did you lose any teeth like you see on movies when people get knocked in the jaw? That's gotta hurt!

Pabs24 | 0

#3736029 - Thursday 15 December 2011 22:38

FALCON PUNCH.

KelpForBrains | 0

#3736164 - Thursday 15 December 2011 22:51

8 - That comment was so bad I cut off my left nipple.

Zackaray | 0

#3736202 - Thursday 15 December 2011 22:56

Pretty drastic measures to go to for JUST seeing a bad comment, don't you think? I would have done something way less than that, such as slicing out my jugular. But cutting off your nipple!? That has to be too far.

Damn_Hippster | 11

#3736490 - Friday 16 December 2011 0:02

Oh the irony. Although that kind of stuff happens to me as well.

TheDeadlyTurtle | 7

#3737352 - Friday 16 December 2011 3:27

Op: "screw u mom!"
Op's mom walks by:WTH??
Op's Mom: I can knock u out! Starts chuckling
Op: I can do it myself! Wham!
Op's mom starts running down hallway laughing.

cumatmebro | 0

#3740421 - Friday 16 December 2011 16:07

I haven't laughed this much in ages. :)

ShazzRandom | 7

#3748305 - Sunday 18 December 2011 5:47

Kelpforbrains was it the same nipple that got caught in the trumpet case?

By CudIEpie | 0

#3736009 - Thursday 15 December 2011 22:36

Why would you do it yourself?

crazychick1269 | 7

#3736035 - Thursday 15 December 2011 22:38

it was in a dream they didn't purposely do it

jackassiddy | 8

#3736057 - Thursday 15 December 2011 22:39

I guess OP thought " if you want something done right.."

rciccone | 0

#3739821 - Friday 16 December 2011 13:40

lmao ask mike aka the situation the same thing when he knocked himself out when fighting with ronnie

jackassiddy | 8

#3740073 - Friday 16 December 2011 14:51

^The three things that will get you automatically thumbed down for mentioning: Twilight, Justin Beiber, Jersey Shore. *thumbs own comment down for mentioning the unholy trinity*

By sweet2u22 | 9

#3736013 - Thursday 15 December 2011 22:36

This is probably one of the funniest FMLs I've ever read.

HentaiBunny | 4

#3736696 - Friday 16 December 2011 1:06

I agree. It's so weird and hilarious.

By jackassiddy | 8

#3736017 - Thursday 15 December 2011 22:37

I guess be glad she didn't say she was gonna beat you till you shit your pants?

Crazyjoe33 | 6

#3736611 - Friday 16 December 2011 0:38

That would be a "shitty" situation...

docscientist | 9

#3736923 - Friday 16 December 2011 1:31

Fuck you, crazyjoe.

Crazyjoe33 | 6

#3746112 - Saturday 17 December 2011 18:16

What? Did you want to say it?

By MrSchneebly | 5

#3736018 - Thursday 15 December 2011 22:37

I hope you dont share a bed with anyone, they could end up in a bad way

M0rt | 0

#3736247 - Thursday 15 December 2011 23:04

Considering how he dreams about his mom I think it's safe to say he sleeps alone

Torva_fml | 16

#3738045 - Friday 16 December 2011 4:51

Last I checked cupcakes were slutty wanna-be muffins who wear too much frosting to try to cover up their blemishes. Muffins on the other hand... Are just beautiful.