Miscellaneous: Today, before I went to bed, I watched a terrifying movie with... - FML

By fearofzombies - United States

Today, before I went to bed, I watched a terrifying movie with zombies. I woke up with a headache, a bloody nose, and my mom standing over me frantically asking me what was wrong. Apparently I had been "fighting the zombies off" in my sleep and had been punching myself in the face. FML

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Empathy lives

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Break time

By roofer - United States

Today, I was working on a client's roof. Some neighborhood kids thought it would be hilarious if they knocked over my ladder. I was stuck on this roof in serious heat. I caught the attention of a pedestrian to come to my rescue. It was a little old lady. She gave me the finger and left. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Meriden

Today, my girlfriend wanted to try having sex despite her serious body image issues. Unfortunately, I couldn't get it up due to how utterly terrified she looked. Now no matter what I say, she thinks it's all because her body is hideous. FML

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By HBCRUISER

Today, I had to go to the local UPS store to sign for a package with providing I.D. shipped to me. I had no idea who had sent the package. After signing for the package, I opened it and saw that I had signed for an empty package. I actually paid for nothing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Denver

Today, I felt kind of horny for once, so I texted my boyfriend to let him know he'd be getting some action later. He replied "I'm gonna fucken murder ur pussy when I get back!! :D" And just like that my sex drive once again crashed through the floor. FML

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By good mom - United States - Monterey Park

Who's the worst?

Today, despite the fact that I own my home, car and have a career, I was once again told that I’ve shamed my family by being a single mom. Meanwhile, my brother has four kids with three different women and constantly hits up every family member for money. He gets nothing but just support. FML

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By sallymay - United States - Rockland

Today, I found out that my amazing sugar and oil olive body scrub will cause the next person to get in the shower to slip and break an arm. We have no insurance. FML

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By SnowyConcussion - United States

Today, after spending the past 4 days asking both my husband and my father-in-law to salt our sidewalk, I slipped on the ice. I hit my head on our concrete stairs. While holding ice on my head, my father-in-law pats my head and says "I'll go get some salt." FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2020 13:31 - India - Delhi

Zzzzzzzzzz

Today, I fell asleep in the middle of an online class. Now everyone calls me Sleeping Beauty. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Talk about not getting the picture…

Today, I finally worked up the courage to break up with my boyfriend. His parents weren't able to pick him up for 5 hours. I ended up taking him to a movie to kill time and end on a positive note, but now he thinks we're cool and back on track. FML

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By muffins69 - United States

Today, I untied the rope that was tied to my dog's collar because it was wrapped around the tree choking him. He immediately ran off down the street. I had to chase him barefoot in my boxers for 20 minutes till he got tired. FML

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By Anonymous - India - Mumbai

Today, I found a piece of erotic fiction on my brother's computer. It involved two lesbian teenagers, who just so happened to have the same names and physical descriptions as my sister and me. FML

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By Yo mom - United States

Today, I was screaming at my neighbor to shut his dog up. After 30 minutes of bellowing, he yelled back that it was my dog that was barking. He was right. FML

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By Nasu Johi - United States - New York

Today, as a CNA, I had to go through the belongings of a patient. His phone rang and I answered - it was his boss. As I explained, he cut me off and said to "drop the act" and "he better be there now or he's fired". He was pronounced dead-on-arrival. FML

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By Al - Australia - Turramurra

Today, I walked into pawn shop and found a nice laptop which I inspected after I thought I lost mine months ago. Turns out my ex pawned it after having it at her place all this time. FML

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By meggs2209 - United States

Today, Dell's tech support called to tell me that the laptop I sent to them was going to cost an extra $300 to fix, because of the shattered screen. When I mailed my laptop to them, the touchpad wasn't working. The screen was fine. FML

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By sassman - United States

Today, I was in class. I am an older student going back for my PhD. I was kicked out of class for "sassing" my instructor for telling him he was wrong about what took place at an event I was actually present at. My instructor is a 22 year old TA. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - Berlin

Queasy

Today, my boss offered to give me a ride on her way home. Two seconds before getting into the car, I had to let out a fart. I didn't think the fart would follow me in, but it did. She rolled down the windows, and we lapsed into a silent, awkward ride home. FML

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By teebs - United States - San Leandro

Long wait

Today, on my way for a vacation, my car started misfiring, so I called a tow truck. 40 minutes later the tow truck arrived. He then said that he had just gotten another priority call, so he was leaving and someone would be back in another hour to get us. FML

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By weirdthingtosay - United States - Kalama

Today, I was getting to second base with a really hot guy, but I couldn't stop laughing when he said my boobs were "soft like cake." He got so embarrassed that he lost his boner. FML

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By blind eyes

Today, I went to get Lasik eye surgery. Beforehand, they give you an anxiety control pill because you're conscious during the operation. Guess who is immune to the pill and now has to get checked for anxiety disorders before rescheduling the surgery. FML

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By jazzyfizzle - United States

Acting 101

Today, I was partnered with this really sexy guy for an audition. He says, "Am I really stuck with you? I can't even stand being seen with you in public!" I start cursing him out really loud, but then I realize that he's only reading the script. Everyone was staring, and he called me a crazy bitch. FML

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By Today

Boo!

Today, in my school's rugby grand final, I had to take a penalty kick to win the game. Possibly the easiest kick I've taken all year. I stuff it up, and it completely missed. A crowd of 2000 people laughed, and later booed me off the field. FML

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By heymacie - United States - Lubbock

Today, I was at a family gathering with my boyfriend. Jokingly, my grandmother swatted my butt to get me to move. Out of habit, I moaned quite loudly. FML

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By sicksicksick - Senegal

Today, after years of lobbying for a travel job, I'm finally in Africa. Everything I eat or drink comes violently back out both directions. When I don't eat or drink, I pass out. Essentially I have to choose between illness and consciousness. Hello, fabulous new job. FML

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By unlucky - United Kingdom

Today, I failed my driving test. The examiner insisted I that didn't check a junction before pulling out. I did, he just didn't notice because he was too busy staring at my chest. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my roommate's boyfriend moved in. I'm in love with him. Now I get to live with the happy couple. FML

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By Death By Parent - United States

Today, I was browsing the People of Walmart site, chuckling at all the weirdos on there, when I came across a picture of my mom. FML

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By btg - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend feeds her boogers to our dog. Sometimes she even makes her do tricks for them. FML

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By kiwi023 - Canada

Today, I spent an hour cleaning my already-clean house to avoid any form of conversation with my boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was cheering up the girl I've been in love with for years. She was having one of those, "I'm ugly, no one wants to be with me" days. To cheer herself up, she said to me, "If you were a hot guy, you'd date me, right?" FML

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By sushi hater - United States

Today, I went out for some very expensive sushi. Two hours later, I found myself on the toilet, violently voiding my bowels. I essentially paid to have liquid orange shit. FML

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By wastedtime - 13/9/2020 10:57 - United States

Time to run

Today, things were going great with my girlfriend of six months. She knew I had kids and it seemed to be getting serious, so I decided to introduce her to them. After dinner, I walked her to her car and she said, "That’s real nice but what are you going to do with them once you and I have kids?" FML

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By hottytodday - United States - Oxford

Courtesy visit

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend on our couch. Meanwhile, my parents came to visit us without telling me. FML

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By paula.isabel

Today, I was in a car crash. While I was being immobilised by the paramedics to be taken to the nearest hospital, the passenger of the other car, who didn't have a single scratch, touched my shoulder and said, "It doesn't matter, nobody got hurt." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my mother, my aunt, and my two sisters are all on their periods. I can't even brush my teeth in my own house without being treated like a criminal. FML

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By pootie - United States - Miami

Today, I farted so loud that I woke myself up. And the stranger sitting next to me on the airplane. FML

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By Forever alone - United States - Lincoln

Today, I told my friends I was kissed by a girl. They said "Yeah, probably by your mom." The sad thing is, they were right. FML

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By Equi - United States

Today, I went to the company's health clinic to treat muscle spasms and a possible cracked rib. In the process the old quack doc and overly eager nurses wound up giving me a storng laxative and 3 enemas, two of them quite large. Then I still had to return to work. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

It's alive!

Today, I decided I'd take a nap in my car because I got to work very early. As I was waking up from my nap, I saw a cop looking right at me. Turns out, a lady who'd parked her car right next to mine after I was asleep had called the cops on me because she thought I was dead. FML

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By my arms hurt - United States - San Diego

Phone holder

Today, I had to sit in between two boys on a two-hour bus ride. They were watching a movie and each of them had shared an earphone. They made me hold the phone up so both of them could see the screen. FML

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Top comments

By ananamoose | 0

#483858 - Thursday 13 August 2009 22:06

keep fighting til death... that's my advice next time don't wake up, if you wake up the zombies win!!!! Dont let them win!!!!

By Intoxicunt | 5

#483873 - Thursday 13 August 2009 22:08

If you bust your own nose while fighting, I wouldn't suggest taking the zombies on anytime soon.

COMMENTS

By klesskapet | 0

#483844 - Thursday 13 August 2009 22:03

first

Reply

average_girl | 0

#483982 - Thursday 13 August 2009 22:28

wowww u win a prize!!!! -_-

Reply

breadonabun | 0

#484200 - Thursday 13 August 2009 23:41

YDI for trying to feed everyone cupcakes!

Reply

breadonabun | 0

#484206 - Thursday 13 August 2009 23:44

YDI for sleeping with carrots up your ass

Reply

AAAAHHHH12 | 2

#484215 - Thursday 13 August 2009 23:48

And a diamond, don't forget the diamond!

Reply

cherrypieguy | 0

#484873 - Friday 14 August 2009 3:43

YDI IT FOR LOSING TO THE ZOMBIE INVASION!!!!

Reply

fmlfmlfml15 | 0

#494360 - Monday 17 August 2009 21:35

look on the bright side, at least you fought off the zombies

Reply

PaperCaper | 11

#1050132 - Wednesday 30 June 2010 10:38

How come the comment mods deleted most of the comments, but left the stupid ones?

Reply

Seelu | 0

#1296636 - Tuesday 24 August 2010 21:36

72 wins.

Reply

tatababe | 1

#2869143 - Monday 11 July 2011 21:29

I know right?

By ananamoose | 0

#483858 - Thursday 13 August 2009 22:06

keep fighting til death... that's my advice next time don't wake up, if you wake up the zombies win!!!! Dont let them win!!!!

Reply

reapfml | 0

#484849 - Friday 14 August 2009 3:32

Don't you realize what this means!?
It means the OP will become a zombie and he was trying to save his friends and family by killing himself off

:(

By Unregistered | 0

#483860 - Thursday 13 August 2009 22:07

second

Reply

giganticbrain | 0

#483869 - Thursday 13 August 2009 22:08

No....third actually. Anyway, how do you fight off zombies by punching yourself in the head?

Reply

chaos753159 | 4

#795332 - Sunday 24 January 2010 10:34

you fail

By athiest_pope | 0

#483866 - Thursday 13 August 2009 22:07

how lame

By Dale_xD | 15

#483872 - Thursday 13 August 2009 22:08

Lmao, I was driving a car in my sleep once. I'm 14 :S

Reply

rapunzel3416 | 28

#2815733 - Sunday 3 July 2011 22:52

stupid

Reply

shadexilmaendu | 4

#4052970 - Saturday 18 February 2012 20:49

How exactly does this qualify as stupid? A sleepwalker had little to no control over their actions; consciously trying to drive a car while bring 14 would be stupid. Sleepdriving is just shit luck and make sure nothing like that ever happens again

By Intoxicunt | 5

#483873 - Thursday 13 August 2009 22:08

If you bust your own nose while fighting, I wouldn't suggest taking the zombies on anytime soon.

Reply

smartguy13v | 2

#2703808 - Friday 17 June 2011 21:05

Epic Win.

By cscore | 0

#483887 - Thursday 13 August 2009 22:11

Haha, this one really made me laugh.

Reply

abes22 | 0

#1683438 - Thursday 11 November 2010 17:55

sameee

Reply

ledzeppelingirl | 0

#3313843 - Tuesday 20 September 2011 2:13

Me two!

By john_bell | 0

#483888 - Thursday 13 August 2009 22:11

You're screwed when the zombie apocalypse comes

Reply

blondeblonde1994 | 0

#484142 - Thursday 13 August 2009 23:19

LMFAO (john_bell) ... That was funny. U just made my day! LOL... Wowwww

Reply

ClaireBear9087 | 0

#1539934 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 2:49

i cant wait for a zombie apocolypse

By kionnalexus | 0

#483891 - Thursday 13 August 2009 22:11

hahahahaha, I'm sorry.

By PaperMoon | 0

#483909 - Thursday 13 August 2009 22:15

That's got to hurt.