Miscellaneous: Today, before I went to bed, I watched a terrifying movie with... - FML

By fearofzombies - United States

Today, before I went to bed, I watched a terrifying movie with zombies. I woke up with a headache, a bloody nose, and my mom standing over me frantically asking me what was wrong. Apparently I had been "fighting the zombies off" in my sleep and had been punching myself in the face. FML

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Serious times

Walk on the wild side

Business savvy

By Hopelesshomeless - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, I moved back to my home town. My best friend and I had arranged to rent a house together that we both liked. I finished my last day at work and made the three-hour drive, only for her to break down and tell me that she isn't "ready" to move out of her parents' basement. She's 25. FML

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By get tf over it! - 30/6/2020 20:02

Cartoon villain

Today, I had a Skype interview for a wonderful new job. I was calm, cool and ready to land it. But just like in a bad movie, the interviewer ended up being the creepy guy I turned down repeatedly in high school and in our 20s. He smirked and told me I could continue, but it would be pointless. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I felt like too much of a loser to go to a Christmas party, since I'd be the only one going without a date. I had to invent imaginary friends who were "coming into town for the holidays" to feel like less of a loser. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found a very large pumpkin super-glued to my car. It will not come off. FML

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By Gabriela

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, he farted. He blamed it on a "nearby frog." FML

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By ToiletRoll - Australia - Frankston

Today, I was in a public restroom taking a poop and as I started unrolling the toilet paper, the whole roll fell off the handle and rolled out underneath the cubicle door. I heard somebody laugh at me. Nobody helped. FML

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By toughlove - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 2 years told me he had feelings for someone else. He also told me he wanted to continue dating me until things progressed further with the other woman. FML

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By fishtacos - United States - Fontana

Today, my boyfriend bought me some feminine cleansing wipes for my birthday so I could, "get the hoo-ha spick-and-span." FML

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By Anonymous

Boom, headshot!

Today, my boyfriend headbutted me during sex. This wouldn't be so bad if it was the first time. FML

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By meens42 - United States

Today, my dad asked me to stop calling him "dad" because it’s too weird for his girlfriend’s kids to hear, because they call him dad. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Phoenix

Today, I was talking with some friends and the girl I like. During a lull in the conversation, she looked at me and said, "Ugh, I really wanna pop your zits." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found a leather book in my husband's sock drawer with "BRO CODE" on the front. It was blank except for the last page, which said, "NICE TRY SUSAN BUT EVERYONE KNOWS BRO CODE IS UNWRITTEN AND FOR GUYS ONLY". Well-played, husband. Well-played. FML

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By pabj208 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend dumped me during what was supposed to be a romantic getaway at a remote log cabin. FML

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By baddream - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Our soul

Today, at my grandmother's funeral I tried my hardest not to cry, only allowing tears to fall and not making any noise, to be respectful at her funeral. Afterwards, my mother tells my father that I didn't cry, which obviously meant that I didn't love my grandmother and had no soul. FML

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By Stiny - United States

Today, I got kneed in the stomach by a sixth grader. I couldn't breathe. I have a black belt in Taekwondo. FML

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By Anonymoose - Switzerland

Today, I stayed up until 4 am. I was waiting for both my cats to fall asleep, so I could play Santa and stuff their stockings in secret. FML

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By Lilly - United States

Today, my husband and I found out that our dog was pregnant. He now refuses to have kids with me for at least two years, because he wants to raise the puppies without any "distractions". FML

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By Anonymous - 25/7/2020 17:01

Wow, thanks, I'm cured!

Today, my dad told me that I'm a weak and negative person because I suffer from depression and anxiety, then he told me to just snap out of it. FML

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By BestBF - United States - Omaha

Today, I decided to be playful and leave my girlfriend flowers and chocolates from an "Anonymous Admirer". She immediately dumped me, saying she couldn't be with someone who "isn't even as romantic as a stranger". Yep, I think I just got dumped for myself. FML

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By Karansuni - Germany

Today, my boss told me that my attitude to work is awesome and that he'd follow my example of coming in half-an-hour early every day from now on. I relish those 30 minutes as the only time I can get work done without him constantly interrupting me. So much for that. FML

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By me - United States - Bend

Today, my dad agreed to let me borrow the car to go rock climbing with my friends. He'd just filled it up with gas, which is how I realized halfway back home that one of my "friends" had siphoned well over half the gas straight out of the tank. FML

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By Gwayhir - France

Today, I was making love with my girlfriend and my landline rang. Obviously, I let it go to voicemail. At the very moment I was about to cum, I heard my mum's voice on my voicemail: "Hi sweetheart!" FML

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By shorty - United States

Today, I told my mom I was going through a growth spurt. She said "Yeah, horizontally." FML

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By Anonymous - Philippines - Las Pi?as City

Today, at preschool, I got to meet the mother of my daughter's best friend. She complimented mine's grades, and noted her quirkiness. I complimented her's for being congenial and being well-rounded. Later, my daughter said they are no longer besties because her mom said I called her daughter fat. FML

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By stelssy - United States

Today, while reading in the bath, I accidentally switched the shower on. Not wanting my book to get soaked, I threw it out of the tub. When I got out of the tub later, I found it had landed squarely in the toilet. FML

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By shewhopoopsinlitterboxes - United States - Downingtown

Today, there are people working in my bathroom. I have the shits. The only place I could think to go was in my cats litter box. I've used it twice and am now contemplating using it a third time. FML

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By lils - United States

Today, while I was getting intimate with my husband, he moaned someone else's name. He actually tried to explain himself by saying that he'd had a "divine encounter," and while "possessed by the Lord," he'd been told the name of our future daughter. FML

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By issy - United States

Today, while taking a shower in the dorm bathroom, my roommate thought it would be funny to steal my towel, robe, and key. I spent over an hour waiting for someone to come into the bathroom so I could ask them to bring me something to cover up. FML

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By PuddlePirate - United States - Mountain Iron

Today, my co-worker and I were having a conversation in Russian. Our boss overheard us talking, shouted, "I know you're talking about me! I speak Spanish too!" and threatened to fire us. FML

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By coco - Canada

Today, I was on a very crowded bus, standing near the back door. People had to get off at the stop, and being near the door, I had to step off the bus, allowing the people to exit. I was about to enter back into the bus, the door closed and the bus driver took off, leaving me stranded. FML

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By Remember the parking brake - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were making love in the backseat. Being in the moment we didn't notice the car moving. We DID notice the pole that stopped us though. FML

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By dangit - United States

Today, I went to interview with potential new roommates at a cooperative living house. I decided to bake cookies for everyone, and while touring the house, I forgot about the cookies and set off a small oven fire. All this after professing how responsible I am. FML

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By sarahwittman - United States

Today, my aunt and I went shopping. When we got to the store, she said she forgot her wallet, and I told her I would buy some things for her. When we were at the checkout, I was a dollar short. She said, "Oh, I'll get it!" and pulled out her wallet. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Hawthorn

Today, my mum yelled "Son of a bitch!" as I narrowly beat her at a game of Mario Kart. I jokingly yelled back "Hell yeah I am!" Now I'm grounded for two weeks, birthday included, all because my mum's a sore loser. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Uxbridge

Today, I'm insanely hungover from a long night of drinking. I'm going to my nephew's baptism in an hour as his godmother. FML

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By Painful - United States

Today, I was sitting around a bonfire when an ember landed on my crotch. Without thinking, I quickly slapped at it and hit myself square in the nuts. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bellaire

Today, my boyfriend accidentally broke my nose the day he was meeting my parents for the first time. FML

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By Lolabunny - United States - Anaheim

Kids Say the Darndest Things

Today, I went grocery shopping with my 4-year-old after having some major bathroom issues. As I walked over to get bananas, she yelled out in the middle of the produce section, "DO YOU STILL HAVE DIARRHEA MOMMY?!" FML

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By Claire - 17/12/2020 17:01

The real me

Today, I finally told my parents I'm trans. My dad started crying and told me he loved me no matter what. My mother threw a chair at me, and told my dad it was his "wife-like" behaviour that made me this way. She then prayed out loud for an hour for God to send her a real husband and son. FML

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By justawallflower - United States - Elyria

Today, my mom told me that her vagina is "as cute today as it was twenty years ago." FML

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Top comments

By ananamoose | 0

#483858 - Thursday 13 August 2009 22:06

keep fighting til death... that's my advice next time don't wake up, if you wake up the zombies win!!!! Dont let them win!!!!

By Intoxicunt | 5

#483873 - Thursday 13 August 2009 22:08

If you bust your own nose while fighting, I wouldn't suggest taking the zombies on anytime soon.

COMMENTS

By klesskapet | 0

#483844 - Thursday 13 August 2009 22:03

first

Reply

average_girl | 0

#483982 - Thursday 13 August 2009 22:28

wowww u win a prize!!!! -_-

Reply

breadonabun | 0

#484200 - Thursday 13 August 2009 23:41

YDI for trying to feed everyone cupcakes!

Reply

breadonabun | 0

#484206 - Thursday 13 August 2009 23:44

YDI for sleeping with carrots up your ass

Reply

AAAAHHHH12 | 2

#484215 - Thursday 13 August 2009 23:48

And a diamond, don't forget the diamond!

Reply

cherrypieguy | 0

#484873 - Friday 14 August 2009 3:43

YDI IT FOR LOSING TO THE ZOMBIE INVASION!!!!

Reply

fmlfmlfml15 | 0

#494360 - Monday 17 August 2009 21:35

look on the bright side, at least you fought off the zombies

Reply

PaperCaper | 11

#1050132 - Wednesday 30 June 2010 10:38

How come the comment mods deleted most of the comments, but left the stupid ones?

Reply

Seelu | 0

#1296636 - Tuesday 24 August 2010 21:36

72 wins.

Reply

tatababe | 1

#2869143 - Monday 11 July 2011 21:29

I know right?

By ananamoose | 0

#483858 - Thursday 13 August 2009 22:06

keep fighting til death... that's my advice next time don't wake up, if you wake up the zombies win!!!! Dont let them win!!!!

Reply

reapfml | 0

#484849 - Friday 14 August 2009 3:32

Don't you realize what this means!?
It means the OP will become a zombie and he was trying to save his friends and family by killing himself off

:(

By Unregistered | 0

#483860 - Thursday 13 August 2009 22:07

second

Reply

giganticbrain | 0

#483869 - Thursday 13 August 2009 22:08

No....third actually. Anyway, how do you fight off zombies by punching yourself in the head?

Reply

chaos753159 | 4

#795332 - Sunday 24 January 2010 10:34

you fail

By athiest_pope | 0

#483866 - Thursday 13 August 2009 22:07

how lame

By Dale_xD | 15

#483872 - Thursday 13 August 2009 22:08

Lmao, I was driving a car in my sleep once. I'm 14 :S

Reply

rapunzel3416 | 28

#2815733 - Sunday 3 July 2011 22:52

stupid

Reply

shadexilmaendu | 4

#4052970 - Saturday 18 February 2012 20:49

How exactly does this qualify as stupid? A sleepwalker had little to no control over their actions; consciously trying to drive a car while bring 14 would be stupid. Sleepdriving is just shit luck and make sure nothing like that ever happens again

By Intoxicunt | 5

#483873 - Thursday 13 August 2009 22:08

If you bust your own nose while fighting, I wouldn't suggest taking the zombies on anytime soon.

Reply

smartguy13v | 2

#2703808 - Friday 17 June 2011 21:05

Epic Win.

By cscore | 0

#483887 - Thursday 13 August 2009 22:11

Haha, this one really made me laugh.

Reply

abes22 | 0

#1683438 - Thursday 11 November 2010 17:55

sameee

Reply

ledzeppelingirl | 0

#3313843 - Tuesday 20 September 2011 2:13

Me two!

By john_bell | 0

#483888 - Thursday 13 August 2009 22:11

You're screwed when the zombie apocalypse comes

Reply

blondeblonde1994 | 0

#484142 - Thursday 13 August 2009 23:19

LMFAO (john_bell) ... That was funny. U just made my day! LOL... Wowwww

Reply

ClaireBear9087 | 0

#1539934 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 2:49

i cant wait for a zombie apocolypse

By kionnalexus | 0

#483891 - Thursday 13 August 2009 22:11

hahahahaha, I'm sorry.

By PaperMoon | 0

#483909 - Thursday 13 August 2009 22:15

That's got to hurt.