Today, before I went to bed, I watched a terrifying movie with... - FML

By fearofzombies - 13/8/2009 18:17 - United States

Today, before I went to bed, I watched a terrifying movie with zombies. I woke up with a headache, a bloody nose, and my mom standing over me frantically asking me what was wrong. Apparently I had been "fighting the zombies off" in my sleep and had been punching myself in the face. FML

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Fear factor

Time don't heal nothing

Vultures

By Anonymous - 6/7/2013 16:13 - Lithuania - Vilnius

Today, I poured my heart out to my now ex-girlfriend over the recent passing away of my grandmother. Her eyes glazed over multiple times, and when I said that I don't know how to cope with everything, her advice was simply, "Shotgun. Mouth. Blam." FML

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By AyDiosMio42 - 8/9/2009 06:31 - United States

Today, I stepped on the MacBook Air I purchased 4 days ago. The screen snapped in two, and I didn't buy insurance because I promised myself I would be "extra careful." $3500 well spent. FML

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By jailbirdlove - 11/10/2010 01:38 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were making love. Her phone rang, and she stopped to answer it. It was her ex-boyfriend, calling her from jail. She talked to him for 15 minutes. To top it all off, before she hung up, I heard her tell him she loved him, and couldn't wait for him to get out. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2013 07:08 - United States - Fairfield

Today, I came home after working on a difficult case. My husband wasn't home so I hopped into bed. My feet felt something and I reached down and picked it up out of the sheets. It was lacy black thongs. I don't own black thongs. FML

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By awkward. - 29/12/2012 15:50 - United Kingdom - Rickmansworth

Today, my girlfriend and I went to the cinema. Or rather, she went with her other boyfriend, and I happened to see them there. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/7/2012 16:04 - United States - Millers Tavern

Today, I was running late for an important job interview because I couldn't find my keys. I place the keys on my kitchen counter every day to prevent exactly this type of situation. After few minutes and missing my interview, I finally found my keys, in my hand. FML

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By bademployee - 12/8/2014 23:16 - United States - Portland

Today, my boss had a lengthy and obnoxiously egocentric conversation with a colleague. After she left across the office, I stood up, looked over at my colleague, and made a sarcastic "shooting myself in the head" gesture. I saw my boss staring at me over a cubicle wall as I turned around. FML

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By sadinmass - 13/11/2010 13:24 - United States

Today, it was my 21st birthday. I had a simple party with my boyfriend, with just a cake and a bottle of red wine. My boyfriend managed to get so drunk that he danced naked for 10 minutes, then told me I'm hideously obese but that he loves me anyway. FML

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By Baboosh - 28/9/2009 04:11 - Canada

Today, was my first day as a bouncer. I was a bit late and didn't meet all the staff. Later that night, some fairly drunk guy was trying to force his way in, I told him we were at capacity and that he would have to wait. He kept trying and I ended up pushing him to the floor. He was the owner. FML

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By Holly - 29/8/2012 04:59 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I had to wait in a hospital room because I cut myself with a knife while trying to open a box of soda. After three stitches, I went home only to notice the box has an easy-open tab. FML

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By theybitchaboutgnomesbutnotthis?? - 31/5/2013 22:25 - United Kingdom - Exeter

Today, thanks to an idiotic, "hilariously edgy" advert that screened in the very early evening, my 6-year-old son keeps repeating the phrase "I want a vasectomy" to everyone he sees. I've never received so many dirty looks in my life. FML

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By NoRespect - 22/5/2011 19:50 - United States

Today, I spent an hour setting up a delicate display stand at work. Not five minutes later, a woman barged in with her little kid, who immediately went up to the display and tipped the whole thing over. When I called attention to the mother, she just scoffed, "Isn't this your job?" and left. FML

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By Almostlovedchild - 20/1/2017 18:00

Today, my father made a post on Facebook with an old baby picture, saying how proud he was that I got into college. This would have been sweet if the baby picture was actually of me. FML

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By growlr - 20/7/2011 09:17 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend told me my vagina looks like an old man in a hat. It's OK though, he said it was a nice hat. FML

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By This guy - 21/2/2016 02:53 - United States - Jackson

Today, my teacher gave me a 0% on my personal narrative in my writing class. His only comment on the whole paper was, "Too long, didn't read." FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2015 16:48 - United Kingdom - Norwich

Today, I found a baby squirrel on the pavement and thought I'd try and rescue it. While I googled what to do, it started running around. I tried to grab it, but it ran straight into the path of a car. FML

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By arse-face - 28/6/2013 23:22 - Ireland - Caher

Today, a group of friends and I went out to a fancy club together. The doorman checked us out and let everyone in. Everyone except me, that is. The doorman's reason: "Her face looks like a baboon's arse." My "friends" all went in anyway, leaving me to walk all the way home. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2014 02:13 - United States - Winter Park

Today, I started at a new school. It's a pretty great school, but there's only one problem: Everybody thinks I'm a teacher. I'm only a freshman. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2020 17:00

The View

Today, my boyfriend refuses to do doggy style anymore because I, and I quote, "have a weird looking butthole, it’s not dirty or anything, it’s just the strangest butthole I’ve ever seen, it’s really distracting." So now, I’m not only self conscious about my small boobs, but my ugly asshole too. FML

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By NotEnoughBleach - 14/3/2016 03:58 - United States - Englewood

Roommates from hell

Today, while trying to sleep, my roommates were shouting in the next room. When I poked my head out to tell them to shut up, I was greeted by the sight of one of them with his knob duct-taped inside a gun holster, and the other one trying to rip it off. And they wonder why I'm not more social. FML

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By trgtyo - 18/5/2009 23:20 - United States

Today, I noticed my parents replaced my senior picture that hung on our livingroom wall with a painted one. Of our German Sheperd. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2019 14:00

Not so ready to rumble

Today, my pro wrestling training class had come to a close and I was gathering my things outside of the ring. One of my fellow trainees got out of the ring on the side where there was nothing but giant stage lights. He knocked them over onto me, giving me my first pro wrestling injury. I’d always thought that would happen in the ring. FML

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By fleur_de_fevrier - 21/12/2008 15:36 - Ireland

Today, I finally decided to go Christmas shopping. It's only once I arrived that I realized that I had forgotten my wallet. FML

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By Dogmom - 14/9/2017 23:15

Today, I overheard my manager tell a customer that it's perfectly safe for dogs to eat grapes if they're seedless. I work in a pet store. FML

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By pea - 12/9/2011 18:32 - United States

Today, I had a lady come in to order a pizza. She wanted to use a free delivery coupon. After telling her several times that she couldn't use a free delivery coupon, unless she was having the pizza delivered, she told me I have horrible people skills. FML

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By tutusaurus - 28/8/2012 14:16 - United States - Salinas

Today, I wrote the girl I love a long, gushy letter to convince her to be with me instead of her abusive ex. Later on, I asked her what she thought. She said she can't read cursive. She chose the ex. FML

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By Garry - 4/3/2010 12:43 - United Kingdom

Today, I realised that my staff doesn't take me seriously. I walked in on my chef, who had just spent an hour and half a block of cheese carving cheddar goggles for himself. When I confronted him, he pulled up his t-shirt to reveal a cocktail sausage taped to his stomach. FML

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By googlefreak54321 - 25/7/2011 06:05 - United States

Today, I went out to go meet up with a guy. I walked all the way to his house just to see him. Then he made me hide behind a bush till his girlfriend left. FML

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By la poisse - 19/11/2008 05:59 - France

Today, I spent the night in hospital. As soon as I was alone, I writhed and twisted in all directions in my attempts to pee in a bottle left precisely for that purpose. It was at that moment that the doctor, a good-looking guy, came in. My legs were spread wide and I was right in the middle of doing my business. FML

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By AnnaNick - 14/2/2010 02:19 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I were out shopping. As he was trying on shirts, I told him that the particular shirt he was wearing looked ugly. He turned around, sighed, and said "You think? Well, your face is ugly, but you don't see me complaining about it." He was serious. FML

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By çapousse2904 - 12/9/2014 05:45 - France - Le Pr?-saint-gervais

Today, my girlfriend put her hand on my abs and confessed that she was glad I'd secretly started working out. I couldn't bring myself to admit that I've been constipated for three weeks. FML

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By PixieWrists - 13/3/2012 17:33 - United Kingdom

Today, my therapist gave me some great self-sufficiency advice. It sounded familiar. When I got home I realized she had been quoting Christina Aguilera songs. For £100 an hour. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/12/2010 05:10 - Canada

Today, I learned that you can be qualified for a position, be a nice person and enthusiastic about working, but as soon as the boss has a relative looking for a job, nepotism wins. FML

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By scarred for life - 28/5/2016 05:23 - United States - Carmel

Today, I realized my recent weight loss probably wasn't caused by working out and eating more healthily. It was from the tapeworm I discovered hanging out my ass after I took a crap. I had to pull it out with my bare hands. FML

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By smoochie - 1/8/2009 21:37

Today, I was holding my baby daughter during a checkup. To reassure her, I was kissing the back of her head while the Dr. was checking her hearing. After a few minutes, I realized the Dr. had put his hand to steady her head. I was kissing his hand. FML

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By gingerninja - 2/11/2010 17:43 - United Kingdom

Today, our class was focusing on discrimination, and our teacher asked us if anyone had ever felt discriminated against. I put my hand up to share a story, and my teacher immediately said "It's because you're ginger, isn't it?" That's not what I was going to say. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2009 04:09 - United States

Today, I was smoking in my car and flicked the butt... into the face of a cop on a motorcycle going the other way. FML

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By taxed - 2/2/2010 13:00 - United States

Today, I found out that I owe the IRS money due to my previous job not taking enough taxes out. I am broke, unemployed, and was counting on a big refund so I could pay for my divorce. FML

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By wotwzombie - 11/3/2009 18:22 - United States

Today, It took me over 3 hours to cut out little letters for an event I'm putting on. It took the wind less than a second to blow them all over campus. FML

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By itzcorinnelove - 18/8/2009 16:11 - United States

Today, I was walking my Aunt's dog to the park and I grabbed a few doggy bags to pick up the poop. As it turns out the bag had a small unoticable hole in it, that grew bigger as I fit my hand through it. I ended up using my hand to pick up the poop and didnt realize it. FML

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Top comments

By ananamoose | 0

#483858 - Thursday 13 August 2009 22:06

keep fighting til death... that's my advice next time don't wake up, if you wake up the zombies win!!!! Dont let them win!!!!

By Intoxicunt | 5

#483873 - Thursday 13 August 2009 22:08

If you bust your own nose while fighting, I wouldn't suggest taking the zombies on anytime soon.

Comments

By klesskapet | 0

#483844 - Thursday 13 August 2009 22:03

first

Reply

average_girl | 0

#483982 - Thursday 13 August 2009 22:28

wowww u win a prize!!!! -_-

Reply

breadonabun | 0

#484200 - Thursday 13 August 2009 23:41

YDI for trying to feed everyone cupcakes!

Reply

breadonabun | 0

#484206 - Thursday 13 August 2009 23:44

YDI for sleeping with carrots up your ass

Reply

AAAAHHHH12 | 2

#484215 - Thursday 13 August 2009 23:48

And a diamond, don't forget the diamond!

Reply

cherrypieguy | 0

#484873 - Friday 14 August 2009 3:43

YDI IT FOR LOSING TO THE ZOMBIE INVASION!!!!

Reply

fmlfmlfml15 | 0

#494360 - Monday 17 August 2009 21:35

look on the bright side, at least you fought off the zombies

Reply

PaperCaper | 11

#1050132 - Wednesday 30 June 2010 10:38

How come the comment mods deleted most of the comments, but left the stupid ones?

Reply

Seelu | 0

#1296636 - Tuesday 24 August 2010 21:36

72 wins.

Reply

tatababe | 0

#2869143 - Monday 11 July 2011 21:29

I know right?

By ananamoose | 0

#483858 - Thursday 13 August 2009 22:06

keep fighting til death... that's my advice next time don't wake up, if you wake up the zombies win!!!! Dont let them win!!!!

Reply

reapfml | 0

#484849 - Friday 14 August 2009 3:32

Don't you realize what this means!?
It means the OP will become a zombie and he was trying to save his friends and family by killing himself off

:(

By Unregistered | 0

#483860 - Thursday 13 August 2009 22:07

second

Reply

giganticbrain | 0

#483869 - Thursday 13 August 2009 22:08

No....third actually. Anyway, how do you fight off zombies by punching yourself in the head?

Reply

chaos753159 | 4

#795332 - Sunday 24 January 2010 10:34

you fail

By athiest_pope | 0

#483866 - Thursday 13 August 2009 22:07

how lame

By Dale_xD | 15

#483872 - Thursday 13 August 2009 22:08

Lmao, I was driving a car in my sleep once. I'm 14 :S

Reply

rapunzel3416 | 28

#2815733 - Sunday 3 July 2011 22:52

stupid

Reply

shadexilmaendu | 4

#4052970 - Saturday 18 February 2012 20:49

How exactly does this qualify as stupid? A sleepwalker had little to no control over their actions; consciously trying to drive a car while bring 14 would be stupid. Sleepdriving is just shit luck and make sure nothing like that ever happens again

By Intoxicunt | 5

#483873 - Thursday 13 August 2009 22:08

If you bust your own nose while fighting, I wouldn't suggest taking the zombies on anytime soon.

Reply

smartguy13v | 2

#2703808 - Friday 17 June 2011 21:05

Epic Win.

By cscore | 0

#483887 - Thursday 13 August 2009 22:11

Haha, this one really made me laugh.

Reply

abes22 | 0

#1683438 - Thursday 11 November 2010 17:55

sameee

Reply

ledzeppelingirl | 0

#3313843 - Tuesday 20 September 2011 2:13

Me two!

By john_bell | 0

#483888 - Thursday 13 August 2009 22:11

You're screwed when the zombie apocalypse comes

Reply

blondeblonde1994 | 0

#484142 - Thursday 13 August 2009 23:19

LMFAO (john_bell) ... That was funny. U just made my day! LOL... Wowwww

Reply

ClaireBear9087 | 0

#1539934 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 2:49

i cant wait for a zombie apocolypse

By kionnalexus | 0

#483891 - Thursday 13 August 2009 22:11

hahahahaha, I'm sorry.

By PaperMoon | 0

#483909 - Thursday 13 August 2009 22:15

That's got to hurt.