Today, before I went to bed, I watched a terrifying movie with... - FML

By fearofzombies - 13/8/2009 18:17 - United States

Today, before I went to bed, I watched a terrifying movie with zombies. I woke up with a headache, a bloody nose, and my mom standing over me frantically asking me what was wrong. Apparently I had been "fighting the zombies off" in my sleep and had been punching myself in the face. FML

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Incognito browsing

Gas giant

A beautiful truck decoration

By Familyskank - 6/5/2009 16:57 - United States

Today, my family was preparing a turkey for my grandma's birthday dinner when my aunt noticed a utensil on the counter and asked what it was for. My mom said it was used to keep the turkey's legs together. My aunt responded to her by saying, "Maybe you should get one for your daughter." FML

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By - 19/3/2019 08:00 - New Zealand - Palmerston North

Today, I've reached a level of tired I didn't think was possible. I've had less than 3 hours sleep in the last 72 hours and have not slept more than 20 minutes each stretch because my newborn is so unsettled. The baby has been peacefully sleeping for the last 3 hours and I can't sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/7/2015 19:13 - United States - Summerfield

Today, my friend got pulled over. The cops searched the car and found a bong among the stuff we were moving to her new house. When they confronted her with it, she told them it must be mine and that she'd never seen it before. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/3/2015 08:55 - United Kingdom - Aberdeen

Today, I overheard my dickhead dad telling my girlfriend she's too good for me, then asking if she wants to settle for someone like me. FML

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By dinosaurman - 7/10/2009 16:07 - Canada

Today, I found out that my sister who is 16 years older than me is actually my biological mother. She and my parents decided it was best that I didn't know who my real mother was, and to be raised by my grandparents as their child. I've always hated my sister. FML

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By motorboatofdoom - 30/3/2020 05:00

Nice way to go, really

Today, I learned that my girlfriend is terrified of me seeing her sex faces, so she violently squished my face between her boobs during sex. I then had a severe asthma attack because I couldn't breathe properly. FML

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By Anon - 6/9/2015 12:50 - United Kingdom - Stafford

Today, my ex-fiancée's new boyfriend phoned me to ask what her ring size is. FML

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By WearingOff - 3/8/2009 17:53 - United States

Today, I was pulled over for speeding. After a few minutes of conversing, he told me he didn't need to give me a ticket. He then asked for a date. I politely declined. After staring at me for a very long moment, he said "I think I'm going to have to give you that ticket after all." FML

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By catfriend - 6/5/2014 05:42 - United States - Salida

Today, my husband's cat died. He has resorted to calling me by her name to comfort himself. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/5/2015 15:45 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I was out with my youngest cousin and we had to stop for gas. Since he just got his license, I asked if he wanted to pump the gas while I went into the station to get snacks and pay. He pumped my car full of diesel. FML

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By mrosewrosem - 12/12/2018 05:00

Today, I woke up with a swollen face and have been diagnosed with mumps. Despite having been vaccinated against it. Twice. I have three assignments due next week and I can barely stay awake long enough to type this. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2020 10:01 - Croatia - Zagreb

Targeted

Today, the neighbor's dog has been barking for over 5 hours. It is barking directly at my window. FML

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By NotALuckyGuy - 7/4/2015 16:19 - United States - Columbus

Today, I lost my virginity in a porta-potty. FML

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By Nofoodcoloringisnotasubstituteforfood - 9/12/2013 05:52 - United States - West Bend

Today, my 13-year-old daughter excitedly told me about a new diet she read about online. Apparently, the diet entirely consists of bottled water and a mixture of food coloring. The food coloring "takes care of all that vitamin and mineral stuff." My daughter is an idiot. FML

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By bluesox4 - 6/2/2012 05:50 - United States

Today, I found out that the only thing worse than a psycho, overbearing, controlling girlfriend is a psycho, overbearing and controlling ex-girlfriend. FML

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By NoBasement4U - 26/11/2015 20:24 - Canada - Medicine Hat

Today, my dad went to a hardware store to replace the broken shower head in my bathroom. He got the cheapest shower head he could find, and so when I took a shower, the shower head burst out and hit me square in the face. FML

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By freakfreak12345 - 19/7/2011 16:41 - United States

Today, I learned that when you piss on a hornets' nest from a window, the hornets will go after the source of the stream. It can also cause you to fall through your friend's second story window. FML

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By dating a moron - 14/12/2014 17:30 - United States - Dearborn

Today, as I was about to lose my virginity to my girlfriend, she started doing stupidly fake moaning, which then went really high-pitched like a little girl's, killing my hard-on. She says she thought that because I'm Japanese-American, I'd only be able to cum if she copied "those Japanese pornstars". FML

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By solyana vr1 - 15/3/2012 01:32 - United States

Today, my husband started getting frisky, but I wasn't in the mood, so I said I'd just like to cuddle and talk. He decided a good topic of conversation was whether or not it would be physically possible to smoke my grandma's ashes from the cremation urn. FML

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By life_sucks - 16/1/2010 18:46 - New Zealand

Today, this huge wasp started flying around me. I freaked out and started running from it. Then I slipped, landed face-first in some dog poo, and got stung by the wasp on my leg. FML

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By AdriBAMF - 17/10/2009 17:11 - United States

Today, I got asked to Homecoming by the person I really like. I said yes and I was really excited. But my best friend who has liked me since the 6th grade wasn't. He went and broke my date's jaw. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2019 21:00 - Canada - Airdrie

Deep desire

Today, my husband and I have been trying to have a baby for almost a year. I finally have a good chance to get pregnant this month, and I'm ovulating today for the first time in 3 months. My husband has the flu, he's highly contagious for the next 24 hours, and has been asleep since I got home from work. FML

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By bitchyhiccups - 19/3/2012 13:14 - United States - Tempe

Today, I got a horrible case of the hiccups while at my friend's mother's funeral, resulting in me squeaking loudly every five seconds during the eulogy. My friend glared daggers at me until I left the room, then later accused me of being an insensitive bitch for "trying to ruin the funeral." FML

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By Username - 6/7/2010 22:21 - France

Today, at the crack of dawn, I started a 700 mile road trip with my three children. So far, I've stopped four times, settled several arguments, cleaned up spilled yogurt and melted silly putty. 130 miles down, 570 to go. FML

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By the critic - 18/6/2012 10:22 - Canada - Saint Catharines

Today, I realized I have been single for far too long when I was turning off porno after porno because I couldn't stand the horrible acting. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2011 20:21 - United States

Today, I went to run outside, only to smack straight into our sliding glass door. Just a few hours beforehand, my mom put up a strip of colored tape to stop this from happening. FML

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By Gibbster_ - 20/6/2014 05:05 - United States - San Antonio

Today, my life is so boring that I started looking through my can of coins and sorting them out by year. The oldest coin I have is from 1963. FML

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By Somethingswrongwiththispic - 5/8/2010 08:17 - United States

Today, I was watching this show about fat people. I was wondering how people could let this happen to themselves. Then I looked down and saw a giant bowl of popcorn, ice cream, potato chips, and soda. I thus figured out how people do this to themselves. FML

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By sealy - 28/12/2011 07:44 - United States

Today, I was told I sound like a seal barking when I orgasm. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/7/2020 23:03

Dead to me

Today, and for the last week, I've been dreaming only to wake up when my dream-self commits suicide. I'm generally a happy person, so I've no idea why my subconscious is killing me so often. This time, I stuck my face in an industrial-size blender. I can still feel my jaw rattling from the impact. FML

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By KornyKid - 21/2/2016 08:01 - United States - Citrus Heights

Today, I got a new cat for my birthday. It ate my bird right when we got home, then it ran away. FML

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By Spooked - 6/3/2011 19:38 - United States

Today, I discovered that the demonic voice that made me nearly piss myself all night, was my sister's Furby she stuck in the closet. FML

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By Grossed Out - 29/12/2011 08:16 - United States

Today, my mother got incredibly drunk. She told me that only "sluts and whores" shave their pubes. She then told me that she's never once trimmed or shaved her pubes, because she's "moral." Thanks for that mental image, mom. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2019 12:12

Today, my son got an email saying he could win an iPad if he just entered his credit card number. He asked for mine, telling me that it was so he could buy some school supplies online, so I gave it to him. The internet just conned a credit card number out of a 17-year-old nitwit. And me. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/1/2015 18:54 - United Kingdom

Today, desperate for work, I went into a shop and asked the owner if he had any spare jobs to fill. He looked me up and down and sneered "Yes, but not for people like... you." FML

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By Operation Yewtree here I come - 26/9/2014 20:40 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was sitting on a bench at the local park, eating a banana. A guy old enough to be my grandfather walked by, turned to look at me, then said "Young man, I wish I were that banana." He walked away, and I almost blacked out choking on it in shock. FML

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By amore89 - 28/7/2019 12:00

Today, I was with my dad at the supermarket and this guy was checking me out. My dad yells at him with a grin, "I know! I make beautiful babies!" FML

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By Anonymous - 10/3/2020 02:00 - Netherlands - Bergeyk

Cheap-ass lying bro-bro!

Today, I found out my boyfriend is booking my dream vacation to Bali with his brothers, 6 months after he told me we couldn't go on vacation this year because he doesn’t have the money. They planned this within a week. I had been planning it with him for months. FML

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By Elephant1718 - 12/6/2013 01:16 - United States - The Dalles

Today, I was looking forward to my only day to sleep-in this month while I'm balancing school and work. I was rudely awakened at 6 am by my sister and her friend trying to make pancakes, burning them, and setting off the fire alarm in my house for half an hour. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2010 08:55 - Australia

Today, I found out that my boyfriend isn't gay. Apparently, I just give good head. FML

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Top comments

By ananamoose | 0

#483858 - Thursday 13 August 2009 22:06

keep fighting til death... that's my advice next time don't wake up, if you wake up the zombies win!!!! Dont let them win!!!!

By Intoxicunt | 5

#483873 - Thursday 13 August 2009 22:08

If you bust your own nose while fighting, I wouldn't suggest taking the zombies on anytime soon.

COMMENTS

By klesskapet | 0

#483844 - Thursday 13 August 2009 22:03

first

Reply

average_girl | 0

#483982 - Thursday 13 August 2009 22:28

wowww u win a prize!!!! -_-

Reply

breadonabun | 0

#484200 - Thursday 13 August 2009 23:41

YDI for trying to feed everyone cupcakes!

Reply

breadonabun | 0

#484206 - Thursday 13 August 2009 23:44

YDI for sleeping with carrots up your ass

Reply

AAAAHHHH12 | 2

#484215 - Thursday 13 August 2009 23:48

And a diamond, don't forget the diamond!

Reply

cherrypieguy | 0

#484873 - Friday 14 August 2009 3:43

YDI IT FOR LOSING TO THE ZOMBIE INVASION!!!!

Reply

fmlfmlfml15 | 0

#494360 - Monday 17 August 2009 21:35

look on the bright side, at least you fought off the zombies

Reply

PaperCaper | 11

#1050132 - Wednesday 30 June 2010 10:38

How come the comment mods deleted most of the comments, but left the stupid ones?

Reply

Seelu | 0

#1296636 - Tuesday 24 August 2010 21:36

72 wins.

Reply

tatababe | 1

#2869143 - Monday 11 July 2011 21:29

I know right?

By ananamoose | 0

#483858 - Thursday 13 August 2009 22:06

keep fighting til death... that's my advice next time don't wake up, if you wake up the zombies win!!!! Dont let them win!!!!

Reply

reapfml | 0

#484849 - Friday 14 August 2009 3:32

Don't you realize what this means!?
It means the OP will become a zombie and he was trying to save his friends and family by killing himself off

:(

By Unregistered | 0

#483860 - Thursday 13 August 2009 22:07

second

Reply

giganticbrain | 0

#483869 - Thursday 13 August 2009 22:08

No....third actually. Anyway, how do you fight off zombies by punching yourself in the head?

Reply

chaos753159 | 4

#795332 - Sunday 24 January 2010 10:34

you fail

By athiest_pope | 0

#483866 - Thursday 13 August 2009 22:07

how lame

By Dale_xD | 15

#483872 - Thursday 13 August 2009 22:08

Lmao, I was driving a car in my sleep once. I'm 14 :S

Reply

rapunzel3416 | 28

#2815733 - Sunday 3 July 2011 22:52

stupid

Reply

shadexilmaendu | 4

#4052970 - Saturday 18 February 2012 20:49

How exactly does this qualify as stupid? A sleepwalker had little to no control over their actions; consciously trying to drive a car while bring 14 would be stupid. Sleepdriving is just shit luck and make sure nothing like that ever happens again

By Intoxicunt | 5

#483873 - Thursday 13 August 2009 22:08

If you bust your own nose while fighting, I wouldn't suggest taking the zombies on anytime soon.

Reply

smartguy13v | 2

#2703808 - Friday 17 June 2011 21:05

Epic Win.

By cscore | 0

#483887 - Thursday 13 August 2009 22:11

Haha, this one really made me laugh.

Reply

abes22 | 0

#1683438 - Thursday 11 November 2010 17:55

sameee

Reply

ledzeppelingirl | 0

#3313843 - Tuesday 20 September 2011 2:13

Me two!

By john_bell | 0

#483888 - Thursday 13 August 2009 22:11

You're screwed when the zombie apocalypse comes

Reply

blondeblonde1994 | 0

#484142 - Thursday 13 August 2009 23:19

LMFAO (john_bell) ... That was funny. U just made my day! LOL... Wowwww

Reply

ClaireBear9087 | 0

#1539934 - Wednesday 13 October 2010 2:49

i cant wait for a zombie apocolypse

By kionnalexus | 0

#483891 - Thursday 13 August 2009 22:11

hahahahaha, I'm sorry.

By PaperMoon | 0

#483909 - Thursday 13 August 2009 22:15

That's got to hurt.