Health: Today, I had a dream where I whacked my head against my shelf....

By IngenuityAbsent - Canada - Grimsby

Today, I had a dream where I whacked my head against my shelf. I woke up immediately after, freaked out and whacked my head against my shelf. FML

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Health

Instadrama

Walk on the wild side

And today, on Dr Phil…

By Anonymous - Norway

Today, I woke up with a hangover. I had a party last night. Besides a stolen TV, someone seemingly decided to take a dump in my piano. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Atlanta

Today, I had to explain to a friend that the show writers for Glee did not write "Bohemian Rhapsody" and that Freddie Mercury did not steal the song from them. We're both 17 years old, and she reacted by kicking a chair at me. FML

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By Pooldead - Germany - Munich

Today, while introducing my girlfriend to my family, everyone told me that she looked exactly like my mother. FML

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By Annoyed - United States - Panama City Beach

Today, one of my students stole my wallet. I teach kindergarten. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2020 08:01

Sliced and diced

Today, our sons, who we thought were asleep, came barging into our room in the middle of the first blowjob my wife has given me in weeks. She was so shocked, she bit down and pulled away at the same time, tearing the big vein on the top of my cock. I had to go to hospital for blood loss and stitches. FML

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By shelby124 - United States - York

Today, I realized why it's not a good idea to sleep with your boyfriend when he still lives with his mom. She may walk in, make you get dressed, and demand what you have to say for yourself. Trust me, "Your son is good at sex" is not the right answer. FML

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By butisavedyourkid - United States

Today, I rescued a little boy who looked like he was drowning in a public pool. His mother then smacked me in the face for "touching him". FML

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By inapickle - United States - Topsham

Today, my boyfriend walked in on me as I was browsing a baby name website. I explained to him that I was naming characters for a novel I was planning to write, but he is completely convinced that I'm pregnant, and has even told his parents. FML

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By BaWanda - United States - San Diego

Today, I smacked my kid on top of the head for spinning the display rack while I was looking at greeting cards. It wasn't until he dramatically screamed and dropped to the floor wailing that I realized he wasn't my daughter. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a guy asked for my number. He used the rather annoying "You know, this iPhone has everything... but you know the only thing that's missing is your number." I might have given it to him, if he did have the iPhone, not the makeshift box of Mini Wheat Thins he had in his hand. FML

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By WaltTheFuckDad - United States - Salida

Today, my dad tore my room apart for the second time, looking for drug-making equipment. His reasoning is that I must be dealing drugs, because I'm a chemistry major who likes to watch Breaking Bad. FML

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By No.Life. - United States

Today, I decided not to go on Facebook so people would actually think that I have a life. FML

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By Queen_Dread - United States - Ocean Park

Today, my fiancé and I appeared in the paper for obtaining our marriage license. In the same column half way down his parents appeared for filing their marriage dissolution petition. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2020 11:02

Clean break

Today, I'd taken this girl I'd recently met through Facebook dating to my family cabin. Apparently, her hygiene wasn't that great, because she didn't shower all weekend. The entire 4-hour ride back to her house was miserable, as every time she opened up her legs it smelled like a dead rat. I'm still mortified. FML

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By riddick0846 - United States

Today, I accidentally ran over a squirrel on the road. I was late for work so I didn't stop. Later, someone keyed the word PETA into the side of my car. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2020 17:01

Good listener

Today, in a deep depression, on my worst night, I reached out to a lifeline. Waited an hour for the counselor to arrive, listen for a few minutes, then tell me I should, "Get my mind off of it by planning my prom, sewing a dress or painting my nails." The application clearly shows I'm an adult man. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my roommate, who has bipolar disorder and refuses to take his meds, tried to stab me with a kitchen knife because I threw out his moldy cheese. FML

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By anonymous - Canada

Today, I found out that my ex-boyfriend stole a pair of my underwear, and still wears them to this day. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lake Ariel

Today, I got my period, and had to rush to my parents' bathroom for some pads. They'd put all our wrapped presents in their bathroom. As I was looking, my dad thought I was opening presents and barged in, only to see me with my pants around my ankles. Now he won't stop laughing. FML

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By Phazzer - United States

Today, I went outside to enjoy the cool air without my glasses. I saw my neighbor doing the same, so I waved and said hi. When she didn't respond, I yelled and went back inside. It was only later when I went back out with my glasses on that I realized I was being ignored by a Halloween decoration. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, in a fit of jealousy over my recent muscle growth, my brother told our mom that I've only been going to the gym so I could smoke weed with my friends. She believed him and grounded me. FML

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By tired - United States - Boston

Today, I walked up sixteen flights of stairs to my room to avoid the lift lines. When I was almost to the top, the fire alarm sounded. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - South Salem

Today, I heard the ice cream truck. Being the idiot that I am, I ran down the steps and almost immediately fell down them. I needed four stitches. I didn't even get my ice cream. FML

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By notgoodenough

Today, I was informed I wouldn't be getting a raise because I hadn't followed the updated protocol. I said I was unaware that there was an updated protocol. My supervisor said, "That's because we didn't tell you about it." FML

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By meesmees - United States - Severna Park

Today, I ended up talking to a homeless man and bought him a meal. In return, he hugged me and groped my ass. FML

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By acme - Israel

Today, I found out why it might be awkward to have your plumber and your least well-behaved dog share a name. Bad plumber. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Parker

Today, I went to my first job interview in months. Just minutes in, a sudden huge, uncontrollable sneeze overcame me. A wad of snot flew out onto my shirt, which I didn't even notice until the visibly disgusted interviewer pointed it out. FML

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By SomeExplainingToDo

Today, I sent a polite yet strongly-worded email to one of my corporate clients in which I expressed my irritation at being asked the same question by the same team for the 4th day in a row. I ended it with "Regards!" but accidentally swapped the 'g' with a 't'. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got on a crowded bus and was forced to stand. The bus made a sharp turn, so I reached for a pole to hold onto. Without looking, I grabbed the pole. It was wet and moist, but I nonetheless held on until the turn was done. I turned to see I had also grabbed a large man's nose and had squeezed it. FML

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By jessel_ladd92 - United States

Today, after growing my hair out for over a year and constantly being told that it makes me look like a girl, I finally cut it. The first thing my friends said when they saw me was that I now look like a "lesbian." FML

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46544

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By LJ - United States

Today, my mother finally had her beloved Siamese cat cremated. The cat has been dead for over a week and she has been keeping it on her bed, stroking its fur and saying, "She looks like she's sleeping" and "She's so cold." To top it all off, she's been calling me by the cat's name for three years. FML

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By hockeymango57

J'accuse...!

Today, one of my friends blew a giant vape cloud and the principal saw and called us into his office. We blamed each other, so the principal checked both of our backpacks. Apparently, my friend snuck his pen into my bag somehow. I don't even vape. FML

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By idiocy Trumps reason - United States - Mission

Today, a customer made a huge scene at work because all of our reading glasses are made in China, and apparently any "moral" person should be repulsed by that. FML

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By johnG - Canada

Today, I got a call from my local hospital's emergency room, stating my wife was in labour. My wife and I split years ago, but just haven't divorced. She is telling everyone I am the baby's father, my current girlfriend is 7 months pregnant with my child. FML

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By UnderConstruction - Canada - Pickering

Today, I wrecked my car and got rushed to the emergency room. While strapped to a gurney, a nurse reached in my back pocket, grabbed my wallet and pulled the velcro keeping my wallet shut. The entire room immediately started laughing as condoms and loose change went flying everywhere. FML

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By Maybe I'll stay longer than spring break. - United States - Midlothian

Today, I came home to visit my family for spring break, only to realize that I'd left my phone in my apartment. After a 2 hour drive back, I discovered my boyfriend with my neighbor. He panicked and pretended to be sleepwalking. FML

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By Spooked - United States

Today, I discovered that the demonic voice that made me nearly piss myself all night, was my sister's Furby she stuck in the closet. FML

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By gonebabygone - United States

Today, I discovered that my parents rooted through our house looking for junk to sell at a garage sale. They sold all of my books from my bookshelf. When I freaked, out my mom said 'well you never read them'. There was about $300 hidden between the pages of those books. They made $60. FML

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By Bob - United States

Today, while teaching at a daycare, a child came up to me and asked if he could go to the bathroom. Obviously, I said it was fine. He then pulled his pants down, and pee on my brand new shoes, and all over my leg. FML

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By ouch - Brazil

Today, while entering the building I live in, I walked into my neighbor who winked at me and said last night must have been great. After I asked why, he said he could hear my girlfriend moaning and screaming, and that I must be pretty good at it. I was just coming back from a week overseas. FML

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Top comments

By WCARlover | 34

#6209899 - Sunday 22 February 2015 18:44

I'm sorry but you only have yourshelf to blame

By acommonman | 23

#6209906 - Sunday 22 February 2015 18:45

Do you have a top to spin to ensure you're still not dreaming?

COMMENTS

By Sheepalicious | 20

#6209896 - Sunday 22 February 2015 18:43

Thats premonition right there, op!

1dvs_bstd | 41

#6209989 - Sunday 22 February 2015 20:01

Cue the soundtrack from final destination.. there's no way to change the future..

Batkid217 | 14

#6210033 - Sunday 22 February 2015 20:42

when you hit your head on shelves in your dreams, you hit your shelves in real life * Peter voice *

FYLTHOUGH | 15

#6210044 - Sunday 22 February 2015 20:48

This is the same person who was dreaming of biting a thief and was biting her husband in real life. She has a gift

Jay0501 | 21

#6210233 - Sunday 22 February 2015 23:38

This just proves dreams DO come true

Retaheki | 27

#6210370 - Monday 23 February 2015 1:33

Don't dream about nukes, dream about resources being infinite so everything is cheap.

JonBall | 17

#6210455 - Monday 23 February 2015 3:43

#33 totally took the words right out of my mouth. And who said final destination 5 was the last one haha

By thevelociraptor | 31

#6209897 - Sunday 22 February 2015 18:44

...Sorry for laughing xD

boredSOLDIER | 33

#6209924 - Sunday 22 February 2015 18:56

No you're not

thevelociraptor | 31

#6209929 - Sunday 22 February 2015 19:01

You're right xD

By WCARlover | 34

#6209899 - Sunday 22 February 2015 18:44

I'm sorry but you only have yourshelf to blame

xChaos | 29

#6210882 - Monday 23 February 2015 12:27

Hey, let's not be shelfish here, that shelf had feelings as well.

By swaglesshipster | 23

#6209900 - Sunday 22 February 2015 18:44

Ouch! But at least you
Can laugh at the coincidence!

By WOTAN1488 | 24

#6209901 - Sunday 22 February 2015 18:44

Perhaps you should move your shelf.

By IndicaPaincakes | 28

#6209904 - Sunday 22 February 2015 18:44

This has happened to me before, freaks you out! I hope you're okay though! :)

By Eyeslick | 33

#6209905 - Sunday 22 February 2015 18:44

On the bright side atleast it wasn't one of those, "falling of the cliff" dreams that came true...that probably would've hurt worse.

By acommonman | 23

#6209906 - Sunday 22 February 2015 18:45

Do you have a top to spin to ensure you're still not dreaming?

Stazza11 | 27

#6210424 - Monday 23 February 2015 2:58

But... If it doesn't fall over, and they posted this on here that means we are all...

My brain just imploded.

By MELKOZAR | 27

#6209909 - Sunday 22 February 2015 18:47

Sounds like a personal problem.

By rebelsrock | 17

#6209916 - Sunday 22 February 2015 18:51

Way to follow your dreams

1PersonIsMyWorld | 22

#6210481 - Monday 23 February 2015 4:31