Today, I had a dream where I whacked my head against my shelf....

By IngenuityAbsent - 22/2/2015 13:54 - Canada - Grimsby

Today, I had a dream where I whacked my head against my shelf. I woke up immediately after, freaked out and whacked my head against my shelf. FML

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Health

Trip Advisor says no

Bad news

Great guy

By Embarrassed Daughter - 18/7/2017 08:26 - United States - Erlanger

Mom Jokes FTW

Today, as we were going through airport security, my mom tried to joke with the person searching her bag, saying, "Just don't take out my vibrator!" She practically shouted it for the whole line to hear. FML

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By Reeen - 3/6/2016 22:29 - United States - Pittsboro

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via text, right after I finished cleaning his apartment and dropping off a bunch of booze I bought for a big party we were having. It turns out that big party was his "newly single" party. FML

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By whytoday - 21/5/2012 14:59

Today, I read an article on babies dying after being accidentally left in cars in the sun. On my lunch break, I decided to walk around the parking lot, checking to see that no kids were abandoned in cars. A guy gave me a smack for looking through his car window. FML

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By ~~~~ - 27/5/2016 18:45 - Belgium - Hemiksem

Today, my boyfriend added me to his friends' private Whatsapp group, after weeks of asking him to include me in more of his life. It turns out almost all they do is post pictures of their shits and rate them. There is nearly a year's worth of pictures. FML

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By Goatczar - 29/4/2015 14:49 - United States - Orem

Today, my two managers, both over 30, were arguing over whether or not butter is a sauce. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/3/2014 04:12 - United States - Woodland

Today, my mom left the house in the morning, leaving me alone. I called and I got no answer. Hours later, she finally answers one of my calls and tells me that she'd been in an AA meeting all this time. Happy, I tell her to come home. She came home drunk. FML

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By thecasbah - 6/10/2010 13:58 - Norway

Today, I quit my job as a barista for one of our competitors with a couple of bucks more an hour. Two hours after I'd handed in my resignation, my boss approached me just to let me know that if I hadn't resigned, I would've been offered my own café. FML

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By college student - 23/4/2017 10:00 - United States - College Park

Today, at 12, I went for a run across campus.‬ Why? I'd realized my 12:30 exam was actually at 12.‬ ‪FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2009 00:34 - United States

Today, I was cheering up the girl I've been in love with for years. She was having one of those, "I'm ugly, no one wants to be with me" days. To cheer herself up, she said to me, "If you were a hot guy, you'd date me, right?" FML

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By suhleedah18 - 19/12/2011 05:03 - United States

Today, I was working on the computer when my dad walks in, pointing his finger at me like a gun. Before I could even ask, it turns out he was aiming a rubber band at me. The doctor says I'll be able to take off my eye patch in a couple of days. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2019 04:00

Today, I saw a teenager knock over a woman, so I rushed over to help her up. Turns out, she had a knife and thanked me by stealing my wallet and phone. FML

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By Boyufd - 22/4/2020 23:00

Show and tell

Today, it was the first time I was about to have sex with my girlfriend of 3 years, since I'm self-conscious about my size. When she saw it, she started laughing. She was mad I didn't want to continue. FML

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By oneillrox - 3/11/2011 20:06 - United States

Today, I took my cat to the vet for an x-ray. They found three dollar coins in his stomach. The surgery to remove them is $600. FML

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By notinthebutt - 14/6/2011 17:57 - United States

Today, my friend sent me an online money transfer. After forgetting the password and locking myself out of my account, I had to phone up the bank and have it reset. I was prompted to answer the security question, which was "What, what?" I had to say "In the butt." to get my money. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/8/2014 11:33 - Australia - Rooty Hill

Today, I succeeded in getting a seat on a crowded bus. I regretted this when, after a couple of stops, a big guy boarded the bus and stood next to me with his penis pressed against my shoulder. Longest. Bus ride. Ever. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2010 08:21 - United States

Today, after soccer practice I was looking for my dad. Last night he was an hour late, so I was pretty pissed. When I spotted him, I saw him flirting with a much younger woman. I then tried throwing my soccer ball to his feet, but ended up slamming his head. Only to find out he wasn't my dad. FML

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By EK - 16/2/2009 23:36 - United States

Today, in the middle of dinner, I went to rest my chin on my hand, missed, and stuck the straw from my drink straight up my nose. FML

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By aylla - 6/1/2012 17:51 - Canada

Today, I was diagnosed with vertigo. It's like being perpetually drunk, but without any of the fun bits. FML

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By Amberain - 16/8/2012 15:16 - United Kingdom - Widnes

Today, I was enjoying a romantic cuddle on the couch with my boyfriend, when he suddenly decided to lift up my shirt, stick his face into my boobs, and go all Darth Vader on me. This included heavy breathing and phrases such as, "Amber... I am your boyfriend." FML

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By StrawberryJuicey - 13/12/2009 18:39 - United States

Today, I went to Victoria's Secret to get sized. I put the card that says my size in my pocket, then went to the movies with my boyfriend. When the person at the counter asked me to hand them my ticket, I reached into my pocket and handed it to them. It wasn't the ticket. It was my bra size. FML

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By embarrassedmom - 18/5/2009 01:19 - United States

Today, my 6 year old daughter saw a man in a wheelchair who's leg had been amputated. She walks up to him and says, "What happened?". He answers kindly that he's a war veteran. She then responds, "Well then you deserve to get your leg blown off. You shouldn't be killing people." FML

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By Anonymous - 22/4/2009 05:22 - United States

Today, I got a call from the Hollister manager yelling at me for not showing up for work that night. I was never informed I got the job. I missed my first day of work. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2016 05:05 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I found out if a tree falls in the forest and there's nobody around, it does in fact make a sound, and also $5,000 worth of damage to your truck. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/7/2020 14:02

Boredom

Today, I'm so bored during quarantine that I'm looking forward to the virtual doctor's appointment I made for next week, about the potential erectile dysfunction I might have. I'm also 22 years-old. FML

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By lotrgeek - 13/2/2012 13:37 - Canada

Today, in the midst of having sex, my boyfriend decided that, as a joke, he would pretend to be a zombie whilst going down on me. Sadly, the thought turned me so much that I came. This was the first orgasm he's ever given me in over a year of dating. FML

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By ThatOneGuy - 28/4/2019 16:00

Today I went on a date with my long time crush only to find out that we are distant cousins. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/3/2009 20:33 - Canada

Today, I told my husband I was pregnant. He laughed and said, “April Fools, right?” then left the room, still laughing like it was the dumbest thing ever. Tomorrow's April Fools day. I really am pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2012 19:43 - United States - Nutley

Today, trying to be nice, I asked my little sister how school was. She burst into a temper tantrum and screamed at me to fuck off. She's eight. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/11/2012 09:39 - United States

Today, I decided to go meet up with a guy that I met online for the first time. All he could talk about was how he expects me to "clean, cook, and submit" my body for sex at least twice a day when we get married. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2014 18:59 - United States - Deatsville

Today, my boss is still refusing to fire my psychotic coworker, who's made it his mission to insult, annoy, bully and threaten me every day into making me quit. My boss is convinced the guy just has "assburger's" and that the company would get sued if we fired him. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2014 22:59 - United States - Dallas

Today, I asked my girlfriend's dad for permission to take her hand in marriage. He said no, because he doesn't want her marrying a "sexist idiot who treats her like property", which he thinks asking permission amounts to, then told me to grow up. FML

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By liilii - 30/8/2014 16:40 - India - Trivandrum

Today, I woke up to the sight of a dead fly on my bedside table, being eaten by a swarm of ants. I screamed so bad that my dad said he thought my sister was being murdered in my room. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2012 04:56 - United States - Medina

Today, I woke up on my boyfriend's bedroom floor. When I asked him why I was there, he said I'd gotten too hot, so he rolled me off his bed. I have the flu and a fever. FML

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By roomie487 - 6/10/2009 21:08 - United Kingdom

Today, I met my new roommate. I also met her stuffed animals, who introduced themselves to me. My roommate makes inanimate objects talk. FML

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By jayscalaro - 21/4/2019 20:00

Today, it's raining pretty hard and there are a bunch of puddles everywhere. I’m in a full rain suit and great boots, so instead of walking around the puddles, I decided to walk through the biggest one, only to drop down 4 feet, all because the city didn’t cover up a massive manhole. FML

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By Lunab123 - 1/2/2015 02:43 - United States - Potomac

Today, I had food poisoning and woke up early in the morning to vomit. My mom emailed all of my teachers saying that I would be late to school because of "morning sickness". Thanks mom. FML

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By gotnogame - 31/1/2011 03:13 - United States

Today, I went out with a girl I like. After a movie, we went to McDonald's. There was this couple making out. The girl I was with remarked about how lame it would be to go to McDonald's on a date. I thought we were on a date. FML

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By yum yogurt - 30/10/2011 20:15 - United States

Today, I punched myself in the face while trying to eat a GoGurt. FML

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By sheilob - 24/3/2012 23:06 - Australia - Camden

Today, I witnessed my husband swat a coffee bean over and over again, all the while mistaking it for a fly. I then figured he probably has a lower IQ than I do, which wouldn't be so bad if mine wasn't a few points away from minor retardation. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/7/2012 16:04 - United States - Millers Tavern

Today, I was running late for an important job interview because I couldn't find my keys. I place the keys on my kitchen counter every day to prevent exactly this type of situation. After few minutes and missing my interview, I finally found my keys, in my hand. FML

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Top comments

By WCARlover | 34

#6209899 - Sunday 22 February 2015 18:44

I'm sorry but you only have yourshelf to blame

By acommonman | 23

#6209906 - Sunday 22 February 2015 18:45

Do you have a top to spin to ensure you're still not dreaming?

COMMENTS

By Sheepalicious | 20

#6209896 - Sunday 22 February 2015 18:43

Thats premonition right there, op!

1dvs_bstd | 41

#6209989 - Sunday 22 February 2015 20:01

Cue the soundtrack from final destination.. there's no way to change the future..

Batkid217 | 14

#6210033 - Sunday 22 February 2015 20:42

when you hit your head on shelves in your dreams, you hit your shelves in real life * Peter voice *

FYLTHOUGH | 15

#6210044 - Sunday 22 February 2015 20:48

This is the same person who was dreaming of biting a thief and was biting her husband in real life. She has a gift

Jay0501 | 21

#6210233 - Sunday 22 February 2015 23:38

This just proves dreams DO come true

Retaheki | 27

#6210370 - Monday 23 February 2015 1:33

Don't dream about nukes, dream about resources being infinite so everything is cheap.

JonBall | 17

#6210455 - Monday 23 February 2015 3:43

#33 totally took the words right out of my mouth. And who said final destination 5 was the last one haha

By thevelociraptor | 31

#6209897 - Sunday 22 February 2015 18:44

...Sorry for laughing xD

boredSOLDIER | 33

#6209924 - Sunday 22 February 2015 18:56

No you're not

thevelociraptor | 31

#6209929 - Sunday 22 February 2015 19:01

You're right xD

By WCARlover | 34

#6209899 - Sunday 22 February 2015 18:44

I'm sorry but you only have yourshelf to blame

xChaos | 29

#6210882 - Monday 23 February 2015 12:27

Hey, let's not be shelfish here, that shelf had feelings as well.

By swaglesshipster | 23

#6209900 - Sunday 22 February 2015 18:44

Ouch! But at least you
Can laugh at the coincidence!

By WOTAN1488 | 24

#6209901 - Sunday 22 February 2015 18:44

Perhaps you should move your shelf.

By IndicaPaincakes | 27

#6209904 - Sunday 22 February 2015 18:44

This has happened to me before, freaks you out! I hope you're okay though! :)

By Eyeslick | 33

#6209905 - Sunday 22 February 2015 18:44

On the bright side atleast it wasn't one of those, "falling of the cliff" dreams that came true...that probably would've hurt worse.

By acommonman | 23

#6209906 - Sunday 22 February 2015 18:45

Do you have a top to spin to ensure you're still not dreaming?

Stazza11 | 27

#6210424 - Monday 23 February 2015 2:58

But... If it doesn't fall over, and they posted this on here that means we are all...

My brain just imploded.

By MELKOZAR | 27

#6209909 - Sunday 22 February 2015 18:47

Sounds like a personal problem.

By rebelsrock | 17

#6209916 - Sunday 22 February 2015 18:51

Way to follow your dreams

1PersonIsMyWorld | 22

#6210481 - Monday 23 February 2015 4:31