Health: Today, I had a dream where I whacked my head against my shelf....

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 103

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 436

You deserved it 54

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 518

You deserved it 143

22/02/2015 13:54

Today, I had a dream where I whacked my head against my shelf. I woke up immediately after, freaked out and whacked my head against my shelf. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 178

You deserved it 4 732

Health

Hiding from the drama

Dementia or hate? You decide

Mother of the year

02/10/2018 15:30

Today, our 6-month-old is finally sleeping through the night. We thought we'd finally get a good night sleep ourselves, until my dumb husband fell asleep with the tv on and our 5-year-old ended up watching Saw 3 by herself. Now the 5-year-old wakes up with nightmares. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 133

You deserved it 567

24/05/2016 14:05

Today, I tried to change my usually stoic behaviour and be friendly to a coworker. Now she is convinced that I finally went insane and intend to murder her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 723

You deserved it 1 082

08/11/2013 11:30

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via a text message consisting solely of emoticons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 772

You deserved it 4 636

17/10/2010 16:52

Today, I came home from work. I was really tired and told my son that I would make him dinner later. He called the cops saying, "Mommy won't feed me." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 262

You deserved it 6 161

29/07/2013 00:18

Today, I found out that my girlfriend hasn't really been "researching" for work on the Internet; she's actually been tweeting the same pathetic plea to a guy from One Direction asking him to "follow" her. She's 29. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 384

You deserved it 5 077

28/07/2011 22:25

Today, after being recently laid off at work due to "cutbacks", I went job searching around town. During my drive, I cruised past my old workplace and saw a "now hiring" sign in their window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 786

You deserved it 4 022

26/04/2016 01:30

Today, my ex-best friend, who I haven't spoken to in a year because of how obsessive she got, posted a picture of herself with dyed brown hair and glasses. We look like twins. Even I thought it was me. Some people are commenting that I look beautiful. School starts tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 105

You deserved it 1 431

16/01/2009 17:51

Today, I sent my sister a text about how fat I was becoming and looking as disgusting as my ex husband. When I checked to see if she had received it I saw that I had accidentally sent it to my ex father in law. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 747

You deserved it 26 587

29/11/2010 03:16

Today, we were practicing figure drawing in art class. Our regular model didn't show up, so our teacher pulled someone out of study hall. And who did she pick? My ex-boyfriend, who stalked me after our breakup, which resulted in a nervous breakdown that put me in therapy. It was a long class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 780

You deserved it 3 303

30/10/2018 03:00

Today, I had to finally accept that no amount of communication, directions, or diagrams will make my otherwise great boyfriend good at sex. When he's on top, he thrusts like the tin man with no oil. When I'm on top, he lays there like a sedated mattress. He refuses to try anything new. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 878

You deserved it 398

18/12/2015 10:17

Today, I started my new job at a small business. I was pretty excited to finally be working, until I found out the big boss is a creeper and sees no problem making comments such as "You're way more interesting than the rest of these slope-eyed fucks." FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 791

You deserved it 1 657

23/06/2019 02:27

Today, I’ve been violently ill with diarrhea, and have been for past three days. I finally discovered why. It's because I ate a piece of candy off the recently-cleaned floor last week. My immune system is so weak, it can’t respect the 5-second rule. FML

I agree, your life sucks 823

You deserved it 1 224

02/07/2010 19:29

Today, after two hours, I finally got my very cranky, sick baby to fall asleep. Five minutes later, a neighbor started shooting off fireworks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 428

You deserved it 3 859

Jealousy

By jake - 10/01/2021 18:02

Today, my girlfriend demanded that I delete all my female contacts or she’d set my stuff on fire. Yes, that includes my mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 009

You deserved it 223

08/02/2009 00:54

Today, the creepy skin care guy at the mall with the heavy accent asked me if I was pregnant. When I said no he replied "Oh, too many donuts then?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 668

You deserved it 7 881

19/08/2013 16:00

Today, I forgot to shut off some pumps before closing the main valves that run to them. Several sirens soon started blaring at a deafening level. I'm new here and nobody else is around. I don't know how to shut the sirens off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 273

You deserved it 7 274

07/09/2009 04:04

Today, I was getting changed in front of my room mate of two years. Feeling comfortable, I took off all my clothes and started putting new clothes on. I asked why she wasn't taking her eyes off my naked body. She said "I'm loving the view. Didn't you know I'm a lesbian?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 946

You deserved it 58 842

03/02/2009 21:38

Today, I walked in on my porn addicted roommate watching a gynecologist exam online. He asked me to watch it with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 471

You deserved it 4 242

25/07/2019 06:01

Today, after 6 months abroad, I finally got home to the airport at 5 a.m. where my parents were supposed to be picking me up. I called my mother to let her know I'd landed. She picked up with a sleepy voice and asked, "Who is this?" I'm an only child and we live 2 hours away from the airport. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 530

You deserved it 136

04/04/2013 22:52

Today, I picked my 12-year-old daughter up from school after her first sexual education lecture. She burst into tears on the way home explaining her fears of being pregnant with her boyfriend's child. As if that doesn't sound bad enough, I've met her boyfriend before. He is imaginary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 651

You deserved it 4 168

19/04/2012 18:45

Today, I made my brother go to the grocery store to get some frozen pizzas. Ten minutes after he left, the power cut out. Still no power. Still hungry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 409

You deserved it 3 937

23/08/2011 14:51

Today, my obnoxious mother-in-law berated me in front of my husband's family for still working while pregnant. She says I'm harming the baby by not quitting. I'm only 4 months pregnant and I work as a nurse at a hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 132

You deserved it 2 626

"People have had enough of experts"

By not right - 30/06/2020 23:00

Today, I tried to have a serious talk with my sister about how she feeds her kids. The 5-year-old is 75 lbs and the 7-year-old is nearing 100. She scoffed and said, “What do you know? You can’t even have kids!” No, I can’t have kids, but I am in school to become a pediatrician. Pretty sure I’m right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 273

You deserved it 190

Nice guy

By Anonymous - 23/09/2021 11:00

Today, I found out that I need a hysterectomy. When I told my boyfriend of 2 years, he broke up with me, because he didn't have time to "coddle my feelings". FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 036

You deserved it 58

17/03/2013 10:25

Today, I advised my daughter to not drink a Coke before bed. She smiled at me and reassured me that it could be balanced out with sleeping pills. I'm raising a future drug addict. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 929

You deserved it 7 511

30/07/2009 17:50

Today, I was at the doctors getting a pap smear and she asked if it was alright if a doctor in training could come in to observe. I was already laying on the table with my feet in the stirups so everything was in plain sight. When the man came in to observe I looked up to see my brother in law. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 567

You deserved it 2 870

04/01/2015 17:25

Today, I learned that my mother has been telling people that I need anger management. I'm not attending anger management, I'm attending therapy to aid in my recovery from abusive relationships. She doesn't understand the difference or why I find it upsetting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 674

You deserved it 2 518

10/08/2014 18:12

Today, I babysat a 6-year-old boy for the first time. When I said it was his bedtime, he just screamed "Eat a dick!" at me. I was so shocked, all I could do was leave him be. When his parents returned, I had to make up an excuse for why he was still awake and watching TV, to save my pride. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 228

You deserved it 9 979

06/03/2010 07:28

Today, I received an e-mail from the Unemployment Department saying they had a job referral for me. After excitedly reading the description, I realised it was the job I'd just been fired from (at a much higher pay). If I don't go through the application process, I will be denied my unemployment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 622

You deserved it 2 621

09/06/2012 21:35

Today, while driving home from work, I noticed the driver next to me was happily chatting on her phone. I fucking despise these would-be murderers, so I slammed my horn to signal my disgust. She panicked and swerved straight into my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 506

You deserved it 64 356

05/12/2017 19:00

Today, I fell asleep for 20 minutes during my first final in law school. I took a $70k loan to be here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 130

You deserved it 4 957

16/12/2010 05:49

Today, as I spent my last $6 on groceries, the woman at the register gave me a dirty look because I declined to donate $1 to a children's charity. My six year old son immediately chimed in with, "Mommy, why aren't you helping the poor children?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 989

You deserved it 5 554

02/01/2014 09:50

Today, I tried proving to my best friend that I wasn't a lesbian by telling her I once liked her brother. She was mad because I never told her and now she's calling him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 032

You deserved it 6 328

28/04/2013 09:09

Today, I missed multiple calls from the company I applied to. That was the supervisor calling, wanting to hire me. I then remembered my idiotic voicemail I made months ago where I pretended to answer and say stupid stuff for 5 minutes. I don't think I'm going to get the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 982

You deserved it 55 073

25/01/2009 16:47

Today, I was going to end a thing I had with this guy. It turned out that he got back together with his ex-girlfriend and was just using me as a back up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 017

You deserved it 4 062

06/06/2016 04:57

Today, for the first time ever, one of my birthday wishes came true. I wished for my crush to come hang out with me, and she did. I wasted my birthday wish on an awkward silence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 462

You deserved it 3 162

14/08/2015 16:50

Today, a cute guy approached me at a nightclub. I was really excited, until he drunkenly slurred "Babe, I'd suck the farts from your asshole!" and then threw up everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 708

You deserved it 2 332

31/08/2012 23:40

Today, at college, we had a substitute philosophy teacher, because our professor is on bereavement leave. During his presentation, the sub managed to segue from the early works of Immanuel Kant straight into "the myth of the vaginal orgasm." I'm still shocked and highly confused. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 830

You deserved it 2 108

Urine trouble

By boopingsnoot - 07/07/2017 02:04

Today, while working at the vet, we had a familiar little dog show up for a minor procedure. The dog always sits on its owner's lap on the drive over, and always gets peed on. Not talking about dog pee. And we're not allowed to bathe it because that service costs extra. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 748

You deserved it 336

It's a holly jolly Christmas…

By Victor - 24/12/2020 14:02

Today, I usually take my daughter to daycare; my wife had to drop her daughter off at 8. The kid refused to get up, making them late. Wife argues with me, claiming I made her late. She said hurtful things and left late at 8:30. We haven't spoken and probably won't for the rest of Christmas week. I love Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 746

You deserved it 117

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Top comments

WCARlover 34

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Sunday 22 February 2015 18:44

I'm sorry but you only have yourshelf to blame

acommonman 23

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Sunday 22 February 2015 18:45

Do you have a top to spin to ensure you're still not dreaming?

Comments

Sheepalicious 20

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Sunday 22 February 2015 18:43

Thats premonition right there, op!

1dvs_bstd 41

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Sunday 22 February 2015 20:01

Cue the soundtrack from final destination.. there's no way to change the future..

Batkid217 14

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Sunday 22 February 2015 20:42

when you hit your head on shelves in your dreams, you hit your shelves in real life * Peter voice *

FYLTHOUGH 15

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Sunday 22 February 2015 20:48

This is the same person who was dreaming of biting a thief and was biting her husband in real life. She has a gift

Jay0501 21

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Sunday 22 February 2015 23:38

This just proves dreams DO come true

Retaheki 27

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Monday 23 February 2015 1:33

Don't dream about nukes, dream about resources being infinite so everything is cheap.

JonBall 17

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Monday 23 February 2015 3:43

#33 totally took the words right out of my mouth. And who said final destination 5 was the last one haha

thevelociraptor 31

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Sunday 22 February 2015 18:44

...Sorry for laughing xD

boredSOLDIER 33

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Sunday 22 February 2015 18:56

No you're not

thevelociraptor 31

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Sunday 22 February 2015 19:01

You're right xD

WCARlover 34

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Sunday 22 February 2015 18:44

I'm sorry but you only have yourshelf to blame

xChaos 29

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Monday 23 February 2015 12:27

Hey, let's not be shelfish here, that shelf had feelings as well.

swaglesshipster 23

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Sunday 22 February 2015 18:44

Ouch! But at least you Can laugh at the coincidence!

WOTAN1488 24

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Sunday 22 February 2015 18:44

Perhaps you should move your shelf.

IndicaPaincakes 28

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Sunday 22 February 2015 18:44

This has happened to me before, freaks you out! I hope you're okay though! :)

Eyeslick 33

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Sunday 22 February 2015 18:44

On the bright side atleast it wasn't one of those, "falling of the cliff" dreams that came true...that probably would've hurt worse.

acommonman 23

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Sunday 22 February 2015 18:45

Do you have a top to spin to ensure you're still not dreaming?

Stazza11 27

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Monday 23 February 2015 2:58

But... If it doesn't fall over, and they posted this on here that means we are all... My brain just imploded.

MELKOZAR 27

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Sunday 22 February 2015 18:47

Sounds like a personal problem.

rebelsrock 17

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Sunday 22 February 2015 18:51

Way to follow your dreams

1PersonIsMyWorld 22

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Monday 23 February 2015 4:31