Intimacy: Today, I was jerking off quietly so my roommates wouldn't hear...

By Anonymous - United States - Westborough

Today, I was jerking off quietly so my roommates wouldn't hear me. In the middle of it, one of them sent me a screenshot of an error message on a porn site, asking if I was having the same problem. I guess I wasn't being so quiet after all. FML

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Intimacy

All for nothing

Our House

Teenagers, amirite?

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I accidentally dropped a sculpture at college, and it broke. Some weirdo wearing a pink cape and a fake moustache bitched me out and told me not to be such an attention-seeking drama queen. FML

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By Lincoln - Australia

Today, I had to sit here for 8 hours copying and pasting thousands of product codes on a frigging spreadsheet. My job title is not data entry, I'm a graphic designer. FML

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By Sad Student - Canada - Toronto

Today, as usual, I stress ate. After having my exams prolonged for an extra week, I ate three extremely large packs of Skittles, and then threw them all up. Taste the rainbow, puke the rainbow. FML

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By birthdaygirl - United States

Today, I decided to get dressed up for school because it's my birthday. I was heading to class in my heels. Then, I rolled my ankle, fell down the muddy hill, pulled a leg muscle, and scratched up my knees. At least ten people saw it. I was wearing a white skirt. Happy Birthday. FML

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By fmlfmboyfriendah - United States

Today, I was lying in bed with my boyfriend, he grabbed my double chin and goes "gobble, gobble". FML

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By stew - United States

Today, It took me more than 4 hours to set up the back yard for my daughters baby shower. It only took my husband one push of a button to turn on the sprinklers. FML

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By forkmylife - United States

Today, my school is having a mandatory class on etiquette. We've just now progressed onto forks after a long, tedious discussion on spoons. FML

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By oopsjsp90 - Australia

Today, I told a lady that came into my clothing store that I thought her abstract looking necklace was pretty. She responded, "Oh... Thats actually a pipe that goes into my lung." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my apartment was robbed. The police report said my apartment was ransacked. No it wasn't, that's how looks everyday. FML

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By umyuck - United States - Norfolk

Today, I noticed my shower drain wasn't draining well. I cleaned it out, thinking it was just a rat's nest of hair. Wrong. It was an actual dead rat. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2020 17:01

Negotiations

Today, I had to tell my 28-year-old roommate she needs to wash her hands after using the bathroom. She then said she’d try, as long as I try to put my dishes in the dishwasher. Those aren’t even on the same level. FML

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By oncehipjr - United States - Dallas

Today, I found out I'm allergic to condoms. Which would be great if my girlfriend wasn't allergic to birth control. FML

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By incendiaaa - Australia

Today, my parents told me that I'm no longer allowed to come home from boarding school on weekends because it will confuse my cats and disrupt their lives. FML

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By Deety

Today, my psychologist broke up with me, professionally. It's alright though, she told me it's her, not me. FML

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By I don't know, son - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was lying beside my 5-year-old son to help him get to sleep. He turned his head and asked, "Daddy, why do you suck so much?" FML

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By Jim - United States

Today, my friends told me that they couldn't make it to my birthday dinner unless I changed the time, because I'd made dinner reservations that would clash with the new episode of Jersey Shore. FML

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By djkimmaz - United Kingdom

Today, my mom, who is relatively new to Facebook, posted on her friend's wall, telling her about her recent diagnosis of vaginal thrush. She assumed that her wall post was private. Six of my friends liked the post. FML

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By gordogs 25 - New Zealand - Auckland

Leave Me Alone

Today, I woke up for the third time in a row from a wet dream about my ex-girlfriend. I'm currently on my honeymoon. FML

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By ellieowenie - Australia - Sydney

Today, my 4-year-old son cut half of my hair when I was asleep because he thought I would look better that way. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Louis

Today, my dog got so excited about a new toy that she vomited all over it. I had to clean up the vomit, throw away the toy, and now have a very sad dog. FML

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By CashChamp20 - United States

Today, my girlfriend got a necklace from one of her guy friends. She loves it. It's a heart shaped necklace. She doesn't see a problem. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I turned 23. I had asked my mom for some things to decorate my new place. As I opened the box to reveal my gift, a mirror was inside. I liked the mirror. I did not like the note attached that said "Look inside the mirror to see who is now 100% financially responsible for themselves." FML

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By Addison - Canada - Kingston

Today, my sister was "sexting" her boyfriend over Apple messages. Since we share an iTunes account the messages appeared on my iPod. Apparently, he shouldn't be silly, and should wrap his willy. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New Castle

Today, a student turned in homework she copied off an online answer key. The wrong key. My students are too stupid to cheat right. FML

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By BC94 - United States - Mcminnville

Today, I went to a movie with this guy. He was late so the only seats available were the ones in the very front which he refused to sit in. As we were looking for two seats, he spotted one near the back and sat down, leaving me to sit by myself in the front. FML

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By phonegotlostinthepark - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I lost my phone. I called the number from my friend's phone, hoping I could find it. A guy answered, laughed "Thanks for the phone!" and hung up. FML

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By opposites don’t attract - 16/9/2020 11:03 - United States

Cosmopolitan's 50 Top Tips for Lonely Saddos!

Today, I was so sad and lonely, so I started browsing articles about how to get a man. Basically every list was naming the exact opposite of everything I am. So I guess if I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life, I have to change everything about me. FML

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By anonymous - Canada - North Vancouver

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a blowjob. I was laying in between his legs because it's just more comfortable. I looked down, and he had pieces of toilet paper sticking out of his butt cheeks. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friend and I decided to wear a new red lipstick. The guy I like turned around, looked at her and said, "Red is a really interesting, sexy color. Pretty bold. Not bad." and he smiled. I waited, smiling also, only for him frown and say, "Your teeth are REALLY yellow." FML

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By why?! - United States

Today, my mom baked cupcakes for my visiting grandparents. Later, I saw my grandpa chowing down on them. Even later, my mom demanded to know why there were a dozen cupcake wrappers on my bed. I've essentially been framed by my own grandpa, and am now grounded for a month. FML

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By Guaranteed my ar*e - 15/11/2020 23:01 - Netherlands - Utrecht

Fishy anxiety

Today, I'm waiting for some live fish to be delivered for my tank. They were guaranteed by 1 p.m., so I took the morning off work. I've been unable to concentrate and have bee jumping every time a car door slams, so anxious to get them. It's now 4 p.m. FML

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By nick - United States

Today, I was on a cruise and fell asleep next to the pool. I had an intense dream that I had fallen off into the ocean. I rolled off my sun chair into the water and woke up screaming uncontrollably, I thought I was in the ocean. I was in the kiddy pool. FML

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By Anomaly - United States - Trenton

Today, I saw a person in my class completing a project that was due two periods later and that they had just started in the bathroom. They got a better grade than me. FML

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By mala_19 - 18/3/2020 20:14 - Sweden - Skellefte?

Follow the instructions

Today, I used a menstrual cup for the first time. When I took it out, a big chunk of dog hair came with it. I think I'm too grossed out to ever use it again. FML

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By thenewone - Brazil

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents. Later on, his mom pulls me aside and tells me to back off, saying he will never marry someone like me and he should be with a nice girl like his ex. They broke up after he found her in his bed with his roomate. FML

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By Stupid_Chick - Canada

Today, I found out that my family hides food from me. FML

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By fisherman - United States

Today, I went fishing with friends looking to catch big redfish. During the trip, one of the men caught a 50 pound monster which I put away. At the end of the trip they wanted to take a picture with it. I went to wash off the fish in the water. Apparently the fish wasn't dead and swam away. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend said that to be extra careful he's been taking my birth control pills too. FML

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By WTF Mom

Today, I discovered the reason my 12-year-old brother has been anxious and afraid of cops for the last 6 months. My crazy mother convinced him that porn is illegal and comes with a death penalty. She did the same thing to me when I was his age. FML

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By AloneAtPerkins - 21/12/2020 23:04

Intense

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend and it started getting heated. I climbed on top of him and took his shirt off, but I guess my brain had a different idea. I ended up clinging to him for dear life because my brain decided that now was a good time for a seizure. Mood ruined. FML

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Top comments

By StiffPvtParts | 43

#6469578 - Wednesday 25 November 2015 1:21

Masturbate in front of them to show dominance.

By Batkid217 | 14

#6469561 - Wednesday 25 November 2015 1:17

that sounds like a bonding experience

COMMENTS

By Spencyy | 18

#6469556 - Wednesday 25 November 2015 1:16

Well did you help him?

pjsr | 32

#6469825 - Wednesday 25 November 2015 6:48

Roommates that jerk together stick together!

By Batkid217 | 14

#6469561 - Wednesday 25 November 2015 1:17

that sounds like a bonding experience

Kiernan151 | 25

#6469659 - Wednesday 25 November 2015 2:34

more like a bondage experience

By gratunka | 11

#6469572 - Wednesday 25 November 2015 1:19

tell em the error message was what you were flogging your mouse with.

By joeyl2008 | 29

#6469574 - Wednesday 25 November 2015 1:20

were you having the same problem?

By StiffPvtParts | 43

#6469578 - Wednesday 25 November 2015 1:21

Masturbate in front of them to show dominance.

By Rawrshi | 25

#6469579 - Wednesday 25 November 2015 1:21

Synchronized fappage. Make it a competition!

MariaGiovanni | 25

#6469604 - Wednesday 25 November 2015 1:41

Haha reminded me of this movie called Y TU Mamá También and there's two best friends who do far competitions and at one point they lay on diving boards and see who can ahem shoot farthest into the pool.
OP you can do it!