Today, I got so bored that I drew a face on my index finger,...

By Jared - United States

Today, I got so bored that I drew a face on my index finger, and made a video of me garrotting it with a string. I ended up rupturing a blood vessel, and had to think up a cover story for my girlfriend to explain my screaming. FML

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7992

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Health

Rock, hard place

No one likes a smart-ass

Age ain't nothing but a number

By Auston - United States

Today, at work, our team started a new sales strategy of selling flowers to men by asking them to buy one for their lovely ladies. The first guy I ask ends up crying and telling me his wife passed away a week ago. The woman with him was actually his sister. FML

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36449

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By Anonymous - 29/10/2020 11:02

The sweet smell of success

Today, my dad decided to make home-made popcorn. He accidentally used old fish oil instead of mazola oil. Now the house reeks of fish and we can't even throw the popcorn out for fear of attracting wild animals. FML

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810

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was playing my bass clarinet around the house. I asked my dad if he would be at my concert on December 16th. His response was, "No, I'm working that day." My dad is a plumber, and gets called to work completely at random; he has no schedule. FML

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28224

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By JustMarried - Ukraine

Today, my wife wanted to have a threesome. During our honeymoon. With the maid of honor. I didn't sign up for this. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Maryville

Today, my wife and I were watching a football game. While someone was about to score, she started screaming, "Go!" and "Come on! You can do it! Go baby, go!" My first thought was that I wished I could still make her scream like that. FML

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58804

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By Anonymous - United States - Calhan

Today, my brother accidentally hit me in the throat. After I stopped coughing, choking, and feeling like I was going to die, he came back into my room, quietly said "I know your weakness," and left. FML

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35456

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By computergeek - United States

Today, my parents got me a new computer for my birthday. They also took the liberty of throwing out my old computer, with 8 years of photos, videos, music, documents, emails, and bookmarks on it. But that's okay, I had a backup. They threw that out too. FML

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41235

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By meh - United States - Dublin

Today, after drinking myself to an oblivion, I awoke with a massive hangover. I didn’t want to go to work, but every excuse I came up with in my head screamed of alcoholics. When I arrived, my boss asked me why I was there. It was my day off. FML

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1960

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4687

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By supapimpin - United States

Today, my wife of four years revealed to me that she once had sex with six men at once back in college. Apparently she still fantasizes about it when we have sex. FML

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38002

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By GracieGirl

When feral kids attack

Today, while waiting for my name to be called at the doctor's office, a little boy threw a Dixie cup full of water at me, making it look like I wet my pants. His mom just laughed and dragged him off. FML

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1518

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By couturier - France

Today, I emptied out a bottle of water onto my porch as I was going into my house. Only a couple of hours later, I decided to leave and slipped on what had turned into ice, bruised my tailbone and sprained my wrist. FML

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8916

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By GMD - United Kingdom - Belfast

Today, my daughter and her boyfriend excitedly told me that after months of trying they are finally pregnant and that I'm going to be a grandmother. This would be great news if they weren't 15. FML

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51138

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By Anonymous - Germany - Bad Windsheim

Today, I went to the supermarket to get some Easter gifts for my kids. At the register, I was verbally abused to the point of tears by the cashier, for having way too many items for the 12 items or less lane. I had 13. FML

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40400

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By fireman - United States

Today, I went over to this girl's house that I really like. I was planning on cooking her dinner. In the process, the grease in the pan got too hot and caught fire. We ended up having to call the fire department. FML

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25956

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By Anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

Today, a cute, new guy I always run into at work hit on me. Turns out he's only 18. I'm old enough to be his mom. FML

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30219

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By Mitchellbassists - United States - Dayton

Today, while mowing my backyard, I carelessly ran over a fire ant hill. Thousands of tiny stinging insects blowing towards you while you're wearing shorts and a t-shirt is definitely not fun. FML

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28779

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By Peach

Today, my husband finally decided to help with the laundry. He washed a pen and it exploded in the dryer. FML

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4090

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441

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By ke - United States

Today, I did something clever at work and I was telling one of the other girls about it. I said "Just using my noodle" and went to tap my temple but instead I jabbed myself in the eye. FML

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7820

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By Quiteannoyed - Finland - M?nts?l

Today, I received several texts congratulating me on my pregnancy. It turns out that my husband announced he is going to be a father on Facebook, which I don't use. I'm not pregnant. FML

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45051

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By yourebeautiful - United States

Today, my mom took my cell to work with her. When she got home later, she scolded me for not answering her calls. When I pointed out that she'd taken it, she grounded me for "talking back". FML

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38988

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By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I was holding our weekly poker game with a few work buddies. My psychotic, live-in mother-in-law wasted no time jumping into the game, cheating me out of $150, my new wristwatch, and what little pride I had left. FML

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21041

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By munnyfish - Canada

Today, as I was waking up, I let out a huge morning fart. When I open my eyes, I realized that I was crashing at a friends place with four other people. Yep, they all heard. FML

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13317

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By Anonymous - Australia - Port Melbourne

Today, the girl I'd been seeing for a few weeks lost her mind and yanked my car's e-brake while we were on the highway. Why? Because I said I wasn't really interested in having kids. Guess I'll cross that relationship off as a "hell no". FML

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14173

Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, after ranting to my best friend about how all our friends are having kids and how teenage pregnancy will ruin their lives, she announced to me that she's pregnant. FML

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29556

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By Foreveralone - United States - Hartford

Today, I was told I'm not invited to my best friend's birthday party. Apparently, being divorced and childless doesn't "mesh" well with the rest of the group. My parents are still watching her kids so she can go away for the weekend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12979

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By llostinreality - United States - Milwaukee

Today, the blinker on my car was broken so I decided to play it safe and drive a different car to work. I guess it wouldn’t have mattered which car I drove, as the cop nicely told me one of the headlights was out when he pulled me over. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2922

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By deargodthepain - United States

Today, I was singing in the shower but couldn't hit the higher notes. My wife complained and 2 minutes later she ran a tap causing my shower to go freezing. I shrieked. My wife said my pitch was still wrong. FML

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44180

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By get tf over it! - 30/6/2020 20:02

Cartoon villain

Today, I had a Skype interview for a wonderful new job. I was calm, cool and ready to land it. But just like in a bad movie, the interviewer ended up being the creepy guy I turned down repeatedly in high school and in our 20s. He smirked and told me I could continue, but it would be pointless. FML

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1594

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By no - United Kingdom - London

Today, for the third time this week, a random person in the street walked up to me and told me how much I look like Grumpy Cat. FML

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39745

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By wtf bro - Australia - Canberra

Today, my brother babysat for me. He invited his girlfriend around without me knowing, and they were all playing hide and seek together. While he and his girl were hiding, they decided to have a quickie. My three year old found them and saw everything. She won't stop copying their sex noises. FML

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40962

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By dorianseiji - France - Amiens

Today, I ate an apple. My sister then walks in dressed as a witch, and asks, "Have you seen my poisoned apple?" She was playing at Snow White, and the apple had been dipped in the toilet, the cat's food bowl and the garbage can. FML

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35176

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to get a tattoo. I decided on getting my four month daughter's name tattooed on my upper arm. I went home to show my wife. She broke down and told me that I'm most likely not the father. It's a toss-up between her co-worker, the guy who does our lawn, several strangers and me. FML

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62147

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By Anonymous - Norway - Nesoddtangen

Today, after nearly a month, I found out my wife isn't pregnant after all. She was just screwing around to win a bet with her friends on how long it'd take me to figure out the truth. FML

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52707

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By tsardaukar - United States

Today, bouncing at a local bar. I I.D.'d a girl with a group of people. I told her that next time she used a fake I.D., she at least should get one with a picture that looked like her. She started crying and ran off. A guy told me that she had been in a car wreck, and had been badly disfigured. FML

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57445

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By ConfusedFiancé

Today, I stumbled across my boyfriend's tumblr page. I've known him for years and never knew he had one. Being curious, I decided to give it a look, only to be ambushed by a wall of furry porn. FML

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4140

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Aylesbury

Today, an old man wanted to give me a tip for bagging his groceries. He slipped some money as deep into my pocket as he could, stroking my thigh for a few long seconds in the process, then he gave me a creepy smile and winked before walking away. FML

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46214

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By Lamediseased - Mexico - Mexico

Today, I got diagnosed with Lyme disease. My whole family thought it would be hilarious to call it, "Lame disease. FML

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10451

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By Brittany - United States

Today, after calling my boyfriend and telling him that my dog had just died, he hesitated and stuttered "She was old, sick, and suffering. Babe, it was her time to go." He then informed me he had to go to his friend's house and hung up. My dog was 2, in great health, and was hit by a car. FML

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35349

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was working my job as a waitress near my college. I handed a customer her check, and she noticed that I had added her bill wrong. I apologized, and she pointed to my "student" labeled nametag, asking what I was studying. I said English. I'm a math major. FML

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15043

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By newyorkers - United States - New York

Today, getting off a bus, it was pouring rain so I got my umbrella out. A man elbowed me in the gut and grabbed it. When I told my mom about it she said, "That's New York, get over it." FML

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45829

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Top comments

By RahmEsHestos | 5

#4088993 - Saturday 25 February 2012 22:59

You don't play video games? Other than that, why not take your girlfriend out somewhere?

By kimmi41509 | 10

#4089005 - Saturday 25 February 2012 23:03

Damn, how tight did you tie that string to rupture a blood vessel? The pain and loss of circulation wasn't any indication first?

COMMENTS

By hoedang | 3

#4088987 - Saturday 25 February 2012 22:58

ur an idiot lol

Justforlolz | 14

#4089017 - Saturday 25 February 2012 23:05

*You're
Think before you comment.

shanemaximo | 7

#4089023 - Saturday 25 February 2012 23:07

At least it wasn't your penis.

silentbutfunny | 0

#4089048 - Saturday 25 February 2012 23:16

Oh God!!!

Now i have to come up with a story for my screaming

n_epic_fail | 14

#4089115 - Saturday 25 February 2012 23:45

Link to the video or it dint happen...

juicystar777 | 4

#4089125 - Saturday 25 February 2012 23:50

that's silly ^ he must have deleted the video so his girlfriend couldn't have found it, otherwise he wouldn't have wrote he needed a cover up.

silentbutfunny | 0

#4089155 - Sunday 26 February 2012 0:03

^ what?

bizarre_ftw | 21

#4089482 - Sunday 26 February 2012 1:35

^^11 yo kid trying to understand FML

AnonymousTroll | 2

#4090370 - Sunday 26 February 2012 5:15

Can someone find this wonderful video? I wish to expand my trolling areas.

ScaughtieHolden | 11

#4090375 - Sunday 26 February 2012 5:16

v C-c-combo breaker. *edit* F*CK, damn troll messed it up. :[

hoedang | 3

#4092980 - Sunday 26 February 2012 21:30

lol get over YOU'RE self haha

By blegehlehgleh | 0

#4088988 - Saturday 25 February 2012 22:58

Hang in there!

FurryRocks | 10

#4089026 - Saturday 25 February 2012 23:09

It's derpy hooves *brohoof*

Jazzy_babe | 2

#4089027 - Saturday 25 February 2012 23:09

I live my little pony!! I'm a PegaSIS!! :) pinkie is my favorite!! :)

FurryRocks | 10

#4089033 - Saturday 25 February 2012 23:11

What?

FurryRocks | 10

#4089039 - Saturday 25 February 2012 23:12

Sorry I saw something else about YouTube from you cool

Swiftly | 0

#4089107 - Saturday 25 February 2012 23:41

I see what you did there

himoonkey | 8

#4089201 - Sunday 26 February 2012 0:33

Derpy swag

ZeroIce | 12

#4090597 - Sunday 26 February 2012 6:56

/)*(

brohoof

DeathcoreDashie | 11

#5757717 - Sunday 17 November 2013 15:49

A brohoof to all ye fine bronies /)

By RahmEsHestos | 5

#4088993 - Saturday 25 February 2012 22:59

You don't play video games? Other than that, why not take your girlfriend out somewhere?

chocol8m | 6

#4089186 - Sunday 26 February 2012 0:20

Exactly. U have a girlfriend and u are bored??

By Chixken | 6

#4088996 - Saturday 25 February 2012 22:59

Haha that's funny

By TheBeastiest | 6

#4088999 - Saturday 25 February 2012 23:00

Smooth move. Seems like you won't be pointing a finger any time soon.

HarleyJM | 7

#4089283 - Sunday 26 February 2012 1:03

Go away

SystemofaBlink41 | 27

#4098346 - Tuesday 28 February 2012 1:35

Run. Run to the mountains up high and never come back.

By TheEpicMilkMan | 13

#4089000 - Saturday 25 February 2012 23:00

boredom strikes again!

LOLimCuteFML | 0

#4089051 - Saturday 25 February 2012 23:17

Oh the joys of boredom :3

By kimmi41509 | 10

#4089005 - Saturday 25 February 2012 23:03

Damn, how tight did you tie that string to rupture a blood vessel? The pain and loss of circulation wasn't any indication first?

adanielle76 | 1

#4089975 - Sunday 26 February 2012 3:18

I agree, but maybe he tried and it got stuck . Haha . Maybe it was karma from something in the past ?

adanielle76 | 1

#4089977 - Sunday 26 February 2012 3:18

I agree, but maybe he tried and it got stuck . Haha . Maybe it was karma from something in the past ?

alexdefran | 0

#4091623 - Sunday 26 February 2012 13:55

I'm sorry, but you're ugly #7.

TrollBaby | 8

#4092183 - Sunday 26 February 2012 17:59

Wow. That was necessary.

RaquelW | 7

#4098070 - Tuesday 28 February 2012 0:08

...she's not. at all. dick.

kimmi41509 | 10

#4865209 - Monday 27 August 2012 9:12

Thank you 94 and 99 for disagreeing with 92, who doesn't even have a real picture of himself on here. Call me ugly, but maybe you're too ashamed to show your face! :)