Health: Today, I got so bored that I drew a face on my index finger,...

By Jared - United States

Today, I got so bored that I drew a face on my index finger, and made a video of me garrotting it with a string. I ended up rupturing a blood vessel, and had to think up a cover story for my girlfriend to explain my screaming. FML

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Health

BO Central

Taking stock

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By ttsutaoka - United States

Today, I was involved in a car accident. I wasn't the driver of either car. I happened to be a passerby that was hit by a falling stop sign as a car hit it. FML

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By JpL

Today, I asked my Instagram followers out of curiosity who their favourite influencer was. Someone replied, without knowing it doesn’t come up anonymously, “Not you.” FML

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By projectfain - United States - Akron

Today, I e-mailed the on-line instructor for my job, telling her that I had fallen behind in my work due to my grandmother's passing and the subsequent funeral arrangements, but that I would catch up this week. Her reply? "OK. Hope your grandmother gets better soon." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Paul

Today, my daughter told me that she wanted to convert to Christianity. Not because she has a strong relation with God, but because she wants to post Facebook statuses about Him and "get a lot of likes." FML

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By SadManKillMeNow

Today, after deactivating my Facebook page 4 days ago for stalking reasons - as in me stalking my ex - I reactivated it for approximately 3 minutes to see what his status update was, then deactivated it again. I'm just THAT pathetic. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2021 13:58 - New Zealand

Doofus

Today, I discovered that the father of my son cheated on me, but with fake sex bots that pretend to be real people. I don’t know whether I’m more disappointed in him cheating, or the fact that he couldn’t even get it right. FML

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862

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By Anonymous - United States - Decatur

Today, I drove across two states to see my brother, who's had a history of heart problems. My mother had sent me a long e-mail saying he was on his death bed and wanted to talk to me to "get his affairs in order." When I arrived worriedly, he was fine. My mother guilt-tripped me to come visit. FML

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By over prtective father - United States - Washington

Today, it became apparent that my father knows more about my boyfriend than I do because he spends so much time interrogating him. FML

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By Alyxandrea Loffer - 24/9/2020 01:02 - United States - Ellsworth

Malfunctioning equipment

Today, at work, my front-close bra popped open like an anime character, right in front of the two male coworkers I was talking to. My boobs flung around and I had to pretend nothing happened while subtly crossing my arms and waiting for them to leave so I could fix it. FML

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By chubbyg - Australia - Clarinda

Today, my boyfriend asked me when I was going to shave my arms now that summer is coming in Australia. FML

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By Oops

Today, I turned on my ceiling fan for the first time in months. I then watched as hundreds of furry spiders were flung across the room at high speed, in a circular pattern. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden

Today, my girlfriend who lives in China contacted me and told me she'd been harassed by a guy and was thinking about pressing charges. The guy is someone I know from college - he promised me he would say "hi" to her for me while he was in Shanghai. FML

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By AgentFreshers - United States

Today, my mother resolved to never visit McDonald's again. Not because of ethics or health concerns, but because they charged her for extra barbecue sauce. She bitched out the man in the drive-through for a good five minutes, while I sat awkwardly in the passenger's seat. FML

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By craZycatLady - United States - Mission

Today, while spring cleaning, my cat came into the kitchen with a live mouse in her mouth. She looked me dead in the eyes and dropped the mouse, which then ran into my bedroom. It's been 4 hours and I still can't find it. Where's the cat? Chilling like nothing happened. FML

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By jennybrev - United States

Today, I awoke to find a water pipe burst. I frantically ran down to the basement to turn off the water to the house. What I didn't expect when I reached the bottom of the stairs was to have to start dodging the falling, wet ceiling tiles. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the creepy girl in my history class told me that she once spent a whole period doing nothing but counting the freckles on the right side of my face, and that I have more than she's ever seen before on anyone else combined. FML

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By Anonymous - Austria - Vienna

Today, I was in an Austrian bar, making polite conversation in my broken German with a slightly odd middle-aged man. He said, winking, that he was near to his pension. I smiled and nodded, thinking he was talking about retirement. My friend later informed me that 'pension' is German for 'apartment'. Ew. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my mom paid my best friend $20 to be my friend when we were 10. FML

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By nadette - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She told me that her father didn't approve of me and forced her out of the relationship. Her father died 2 years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, on WhatsApp, I jokingly said, "I have been a naughty furry, I need spanking" in a group chat with all my friends. They had a good time laughing their asses off, not only because of the text, but because I put it in a group that included my boss and all of my colleagues. FML

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By Mr IT - Sweden

Today, the company offering the job position that I've been applying for called me up. I wasn't there to answer so they got redirected to my voice mail in which I'm acting like a drunk David Hasselhoff chewing on a cheeseburger. They called me 5 times. FML

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By Space†Witch

Today, I'm working a photography gig for a very prominent metal band. The doorman asked me for my I.D, which I happily obliged. I am 27, however I look like I'm still in my mid to late teens. He will not let me in, even with my I.D, and the band that hired me won't answer their phones. FML

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2992

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my brother and I were going to give our parents their anniversary gift which cost us over $3000. The gift was a trip to London in August to see a show on Michael Jackson's comeback tour. FML

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By helloimkylieee - United States - Tracy

Today, I had to convince my parents to shut the door when they have sex. They have done this on multiple occasions. FML

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By ouch - United States

Today, I was lying in bed with the worst stomach cramps ever. My boyfriend came, looked at me writhing in pain, and said, "Well at least if it's a tapeworm you'll get skinnier." FML

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By Anonymous - 7/10/2020 20:01

Bustin' my ass

Today, I went in for an interview. While I was waiting to be called, I used the restroom. When I stood up to wipe, I slipped on the floor and fell ass first into the unflushed toilet. I was found an hour later, covered in my own shit and too injured to move. FML

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By ai_lauren - United States - Bayonne

Today, I got 3 different rejection letters mailed to me from the same college. FML

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By bob - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, I learned that I do not possess the upper body, core, or leg strength to hold my girlfriend up during sex. I simultaneously collapsed and dropped her onto her coffee table. We are now both being treated at the hospital; her for glass wounds, me for a concussion. FML

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By identitychangeplease - Sweden - Nyn?shamn

Today, a guy I've been seeing for a while sent me a link to a porn site, with the message, "Holy fuck, isn't this your mom?!" Thinking he was joking around, I clicked the link just to see what sick shit he wanted to show me. It was my mom. FML

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By chunkymonkey

Today, my boyfriend used a laser pointer to show me where I needed to lose weight. FML

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By Herdad - United States

Today, my two year old daughter did not want to leave the toy store, when I picked her up she started screaming at the top of her lungs, "YOU'RE NOT MY DADDY!". FML

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By Bleh - Canada - Brantford

Today, I found out that my new, expensive noise-canceling headphones trigger my motion sickness. FML

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2019

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By Anonymous

Today, my mother knocked on the door of my room at 7am. I am currently over 300 miles from home, on a vacation to get away from my overbearing family. I told none of them where I was going. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/8/2020 20:01

How's the diet going?

Today, I bought 3 buckets of expensive low-calorie ice cream because it was on sale, only to discover it tastes rather awful. I thought I liked that stuff… Oh, I remember now, I did like it… After mixing it with lots of chocolate spread. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend informed me that to save money, he's been using the same condom for the last month. FML

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By rosanne - 8/4/2021 08:00

Leave me alone

Today, I learned that me wearing a mask will not stop creepy old men from telling me to smile. FML

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By creepedoutlady - United States

Today, I met my new neighbor. His wi-fi access point is named "TheRapistDownstairs." FML

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By fuckadaisical - United Kingdom - Pontypridd

Today, my boyfriend's idea of foreplay was to offer to make lunch, leave the room for a few minutes, then come back with no clothes on and offer me a "cockmeat sandwich". FML

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By teaspoonzz

Today, I walked into the ladies' bathroom to find my male boss taking a dump with the stall door wide open. FML

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By dontaskdonttell - United States

Today, I was closing the deal on this beautiful $200k ranch in the country. The buyer soon pulls up and we get to discussing the contract terms, soon the buyer asks the seller," Wow why is this house going so cheap?" The seller replies, "Do you believe in ghosts?" There goes my $8,000 commission. FML

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Top comments

By RahmEsHestos | 5

#4088993 - Saturday 25 February 2012 22:59

You don't play video games? Other than that, why not take your girlfriend out somewhere?

By kimmi41509 | 10

#4089005 - Saturday 25 February 2012 23:03

Damn, how tight did you tie that string to rupture a blood vessel? The pain and loss of circulation wasn't any indication first?

COMMENTS

By hoedang | 3

#4088987 - Saturday 25 February 2012 22:58

ur an idiot lol

Justforlolz | 14

#4089017 - Saturday 25 February 2012 23:05

*You're
Think before you comment.

shanemaximo | 7

#4089023 - Saturday 25 February 2012 23:07

At least it wasn't your penis.

silentbutfunny | 0

#4089048 - Saturday 25 February 2012 23:16

Oh God!!!

Now i have to come up with a story for my screaming

n_epic_fail | 14

#4089115 - Saturday 25 February 2012 23:45

Link to the video or it dint happen...

juicystar777 | 4

#4089125 - Saturday 25 February 2012 23:50

that's silly ^ he must have deleted the video so his girlfriend couldn't have found it, otherwise he wouldn't have wrote he needed a cover up.

silentbutfunny | 0

#4089155 - Sunday 26 February 2012 0:03

^ what?

bizarre_ftw | 21

#4089482 - Sunday 26 February 2012 1:35

^^11 yo kid trying to understand FML

AnonymousTroll | 2

#4090370 - Sunday 26 February 2012 5:15

Can someone find this wonderful video? I wish to expand my trolling areas.

ScaughtieHolden | 11

#4090375 - Sunday 26 February 2012 5:16

v C-c-combo breaker. *edit* F*CK, damn troll messed it up. :[

hoedang | 3

#4092980 - Sunday 26 February 2012 21:30

lol get over YOU'RE self haha

By blegehlehgleh | 0

#4088988 - Saturday 25 February 2012 22:58

Hang in there!

FurryRocks | 10

#4089026 - Saturday 25 February 2012 23:09

It's derpy hooves *brohoof*

Jazzy_babe | 2

#4089027 - Saturday 25 February 2012 23:09

I live my little pony!! I'm a PegaSIS!! :) pinkie is my favorite!! :)

FurryRocks | 10

#4089033 - Saturday 25 February 2012 23:11

What?

FurryRocks | 10

#4089039 - Saturday 25 February 2012 23:12

Sorry I saw something else about YouTube from you cool

Swiftly | 0

#4089107 - Saturday 25 February 2012 23:41

I see what you did there

himoonkey | 8

#4089201 - Sunday 26 February 2012 0:33

Derpy swag

ZeroIce | 12

#4090597 - Sunday 26 February 2012 6:56

/)*(

brohoof

DeathcoreDashie | 11

#5757717 - Sunday 17 November 2013 15:49

A brohoof to all ye fine bronies /)

By RahmEsHestos | 5

#4088993 - Saturday 25 February 2012 22:59

You don't play video games? Other than that, why not take your girlfriend out somewhere?

chocol8m | 6

#4089186 - Sunday 26 February 2012 0:20

Exactly. U have a girlfriend and u are bored??

By Chixken | 6

#4088996 - Saturday 25 February 2012 22:59

Haha that's funny

By TheBeastiest | 6

#4088999 - Saturday 25 February 2012 23:00

Smooth move. Seems like you won't be pointing a finger any time soon.

HarleyJM | 7

#4089283 - Sunday 26 February 2012 1:03

Go away

SystemofaBlink41 | 27

#4098346 - Tuesday 28 February 2012 1:35

Run. Run to the mountains up high and never come back.

By TheEpicMilkMan | 13

#4089000 - Saturday 25 February 2012 23:00

boredom strikes again!

LOLimCuteFML | 0

#4089051 - Saturday 25 February 2012 23:17

Oh the joys of boredom :3

By kimmi41509 | 10

#4089005 - Saturday 25 February 2012 23:03

Damn, how tight did you tie that string to rupture a blood vessel? The pain and loss of circulation wasn't any indication first?

adanielle76 | 1

#4089975 - Sunday 26 February 2012 3:18

I agree, but maybe he tried and it got stuck . Haha . Maybe it was karma from something in the past ?

adanielle76 | 1

#4089977 - Sunday 26 February 2012 3:18

I agree, but maybe he tried and it got stuck . Haha . Maybe it was karma from something in the past ?

alexdefran | 0

#4091623 - Sunday 26 February 2012 13:55

I'm sorry, but you're ugly #7.

TrollBaby | 8

#4092183 - Sunday 26 February 2012 17:59

Wow. That was necessary.

RaquelW | 7

#4098070 - Tuesday 28 February 2012 0:08

...she's not. at all. dick.

kimmi41509 | 10

#4865209 - Monday 27 August 2012 9:12

Thank you 94 and 99 for disagreeing with 92, who doesn't even have a real picture of himself on here. Call me ugly, but maybe you're too ashamed to show your face! :)