Today, I got home late from work, so I decided to make myself... - FML

By fuck you, jack - 4/3/2014 20:44 - United States - Peabody

Today, I got home late from work, so I decided to make myself a microwave meal. I pierced the plastic film several times. A little too loudly for my hateful bastard of a neighbor, I guess, because he called the cops on me, claiming he heard gunshots from my apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46098

You deserved it

3275

Tweet

Share

This is us

Or he's just becoming an old goober

You snooze, you lose

By Anonymous - 27/11/2012 05:06 - United States - Appleton

Today, my step-mom restarted the computer because she thought she'd downloaded a virus that stopped her from being able to click on anything, erasing my 7-page paper in the process. It turns out it was just the batteries dying in our wireless mouse. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27469

You deserved it

13341

Tweet

Share

By Michael978 - 29/4/2016 03:40

Today, I was teaching a friend to squat. While I was spotting him, he decided it would be a great idea to turn around. This wouldn't have been a problem, if he hadn't hit me in the face with the bar. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12742

You deserved it

1024

Tweet

Share

By wtf yourself, cunt - 17/9/2012 23:14 - Australia - Sydney

Today, at school, a guy walked up to me and said I look a little too young to be at high school. I told him that I'm sixteen years old. He stared at my chest for several long seconds, muttered "What the fuck?" and walked off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30457

You deserved it

2784

Tweet

Share

By Good tenant - 3/5/2019 23:00 - United Kingdom - Consett

Today, my landlord increase my rent because of the "increased value of the flat". Why has the value increased? Because I decorated and replaced the broken fixtures. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2291

You deserved it

153

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 6/10/2014 23:41 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a massage. I guess I hit the spot, because he muttered, "Please marry me" into the pillow. Considering we've been going out for years and had spoken about marriage before, I stopped in my tracks. He stammered, "Oh, I mean... Not like that. Will you keep going?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

40738

You deserved it

4485

Tweet

Share

By Mkimmi - 12/2/2015 07:39 - United States - State College

We can tell

Today, I had to fall asleep to my next-door neighbors having sex because our walls are paper thin. What bothered me the most wasn't listening to them doing it, but knowing that she was faking it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38140

You deserved it

3684

Tweet

Share

By 1fungi - 7/12/2010 05:25

Today, it's my 26th birthday. My girlfriend gave me a matchbox car, a glow necklace, and a squirt gun. For her birthday, I bought her a new dress, rented a limo, and took her around to bar hop with her friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34909

You deserved it

5395

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 25/12/2010 23:21 - United States

Today, I rented a copy How To Train Your Dragon for my young son to watch. I put the DVD in, hit play without paying attention, and went off to make lunch. A few minutes later, my son ran into the kitchen screaming. Apparently, there was a mix up at the rental store and I got a copy of Saw IV. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44377

You deserved it

11801

Tweet

Share

By handi-crap - 5/1/2010 17:28 - United States

Today, I had a promo code for a free Redbox movie. Since I knew exactly which movie I wanted, I parked in a handicapped space because it was super close and I was cold. I didn't think anyone would notice, but apparently the cop that parked beside my car did. My free movie cost me $100. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6981

You deserved it

78377

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 15/7/2013 04:23 - United States - Clarks Summit

Today, I had an allergy test. Not only was I allergic to 35 out of the 40 items, they also found out that I'm allergic to the latex gloves my doctor happened to be wearing. Now my entire back is covered in a rash that will last at least another week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51849

You deserved it

3191

Tweet

Share

By rileym797 - 17/6/2009 06:00 - United States

Today, my wife took herself, the kids, and extended family members I've never even heard of to New York. She paid the 7,000$ bill with my credit card. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48264

You deserved it

4664

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 24/7/2013 16:36 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I found out that even though my boyfriend thinks that peeing on me in the shower is acceptable, he will still freak out and call me disgusting if I try to use the toilet while he's taking a shower. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58125

You deserved it

6503

Tweet

Share

By MeAgainDr... - 13/11/2015 05:24 - Australia - South Perth

Today, I finally got to a point where I could ask my mother about how enthusiastically she used to beat me. First sentence out of her mouth was, "It didn't change your behaviour, but it did make me feel better." FML

I agree, your life sucks

26277

You deserved it

2160

Tweet

Share

By jooshuarr - 18/6/2010 23:09 - Spain

Today, while tuning my bass guitar, I noticed a very strange screeching sound. I leaned over to look behind the neck. The biggest string snapped off and cut the side of my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37587

You deserved it

4703

Tweet

Share

By a fat fucking shit and proud of it - 28/6/2014 19:09 - United Kingdom - Camberley

Today, it's been less than a week since I finally got a job, after over a year of searching. I just found out that there's about to be a wave of layoffs. I haven't even gotten my first paycheck, and already I'm going to lose my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45269

You deserved it

3754

Tweet

Share

By ice ice baby - 8/9/2019 07:00 - United States - Monterey Park

Two Scoops

Today, it'd been so long since I last had sex, I was jolted out of my sleep by a body shaking orgasm. I was sweaty and breathless, and it took me a moment to realize it had been a dream. It would've been great except the subject of my nocturnal ecstasy was Vanilla Ice. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1575

You deserved it

252

Tweet

Share

By blind - 24/6/2009 12:11 - South Africa

Today, I was texting a friend of mine. She mentioned it was her dad's birthday. I typed "Tell him Happy Birthday for me!" and as I pressed send I remember her dad was dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24334

You deserved it

46571

Tweet

Share

By Angie - 24/3/2011 19:07 - South Africa

Today, my twelve year old neighbour decided to give a Hannah Montana concert in her backyard, starring herself. Unfortunately, she only knew three lines of the song "The Best of Both Worlds" and screamed them repeatedly at the top of her lungs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40272

You deserved it

4680

Tweet

Share

By At least she knows I floss - 25/8/2017 14:15 - United States - Pomona

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents and everything was going perfectly. He and I even had some time alone upstairs, where I gave him a blowjob. After dinner, his mom helpfully pointed out something stuck in my braces and inspected it for me. It was a pube. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2447

You deserved it

5134

Tweet

Share

By alainopotato - 2/1/2017 11:03 - United States - San Diego

Today, I woke up in a bathtub, completely soaked and covered in both mine and someone else's puke. Happy New Year. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4385

You deserved it

5256

Tweet

Share

By TheEnglishOne - 23/1/2009 00:42 - United States

Today, in class, I asked my teacher for a "rubber". I didn't realise that in America "rubber" doesn't mean "eraser", it means condom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

66641

You deserved it

8580

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 12/4/2018 15:00

Today, after 11 years together, including 8 years of engagement and 3.5 months of marriage, I found out he had sex with his ex-girlfriend on my birthday. He's now leaving me and our kids to be with her because she's his "soul mate". FML

I agree, your life sucks

5328

You deserved it

377

Tweet

Share

By buddy - 26/1/2009 14:58 - United States

Today, I woke up and it was Monday. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49400

You deserved it

11831

Tweet

Share

By bender - 10/2/2010 05:03 - Canada

Today, I decided that it would be good exercise to shovel the ice on the backyard patio. Now I can't stand up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20171

You deserved it

7709

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 18/8/2015 21:08 - United States - Woodridge

Today, a woman at the retirement home I work at told me she was new and asked me a few questions. I asked her when she moved in. She was a new coworker, not a new resident. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15655

You deserved it

12864

Tweet

Share

By cjhgvb - 6/11/2014 00:48 - Canada - Halifax

Today, I found out it is possible to get whiplash and a concussion from a tickle fight you have with your boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31243

You deserved it

4188

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 19/3/2009 02:57 - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. In his front room was a giant parrot. Hoping to impress them, I went over to the bird and began talking to it proving I wasn't scared. Out of nowhere, it's beak clenched onto my nose making it gush blood on the carpet. I was hospitalized. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59105

You deserved it

19173

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 22/12/2012 06:31

Today, due to bad weather, my dad let me take his car to drive to my apartment 3 hours away. I only realized when I got there that my keys were still sitting on my parents' kitchen counter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29990

You deserved it

11271

Tweet

Share

By deli Shoppe - 27/6/2012 04:39 - United States - Vallejo

Today, I went to the bookstore and saw a stunning girl reading. I walked over and picked up a book, thinking our two books were the same category, hence a good conversation starter. She looked at me, and I pointed at my book and smiled. After that, she left. It was a sex position book. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9338

You deserved it

38337

Tweet

Share

By PrinceOfBritain - 14/5/2015 02:41 - United States - Chesapeake

Today, I was walking my dog through a park with a lake. My dog was swimming in said lake, and then appeared to be having trouble keeping his head up. I put my phone and keys on the ground and waded to my dog. He was fine, but I turned around in time to see someone run off with my stuff. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30311

You deserved it

3490

Tweet

Share

By thewrittenrebel - 28/10/2014 07:40 - South Africa - Bellville

Today, my boss asked about the mass of deep scratches on my arm. I lied and told him it happened while I was trying to save my cat from a tree. Truth is, my cat is a sadistic asshole who stalks me and mauls me whenever he can. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36261

You deserved it

5844

Tweet

Share

By GoldenSteve - 5/11/2015 15:31 - United States - Humble

Today, my gym teacher ranted about how the government should put all the death row inmates in a coliseum and film them fighting. I guess he lied when he said he only drinks at the weekend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22340

You deserved it

2510

Tweet

Share

By Peelates - 12/3/2017 22:00

Yoga to watch out

Today, I prepared to do my early morning yoga, lowered myself on to the mat then felt a wet patch on my stomach. Turns out my roommate's cat had taken a piss on my orange mat and I'd been too tired to notice. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4801

You deserved it

640

Tweet

Share

By NeedTea - 21/12/2018 06:00 - United States

Today i stopped at Starbucks to get a tea before work and was surprised that there wasn't a line. As i was leaving the automatic door closed knocking my out of my hand. I headed back in only to discover a huge line had formed and they made me pay for the replacement that their door spilled. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1869

You deserved it

702

Tweet

Share

By Ihatemyfamily - 5/9/2016 21:46 - United States - Euless

Today, my brother's high school was having a soccer game against mine, and as a sign of good luck, I told him to "break a leg". He broke mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14270

You deserved it

1313

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 26/12/2011 01:28 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years asked my dad if he could marry me, and my dad agreed. He then tells me that he's not going to propose for maybe another year at least, he "just wanted to get that out of the way." FML

I agree, your life sucks

31958

You deserved it

3563

Tweet

Share

By Dan - 9/10/2017 04:30

John Tucker would've known what to do.

Today, in a rush, I accidentally wore my sister's underwear. I'm a guy. I had gym class today. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1627

You deserved it

2896

Tweet

Share

By screwedhousemate - 28/3/2011 11:52 - United Kingdom

Today, my three housemates got into a huge fight and ended up declaring their undying hatred for each other. They now refuse to talk to each other, and I've become their go-between. Yesterday, we signed the lease for another year in the house together. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33796

You deserved it

4250

Tweet

Share

By whyyyyyme - 4/8/2015 01:43 - Canada

Today, I also needed to add, "Does not currently live in a psychiatric hospital, after being declared 'Not criminally responsible for a crime'" to my list of qualities that I want in a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22595

You deserved it

2214

Tweet

Share

By RainbowSuck - 7/2/2017 16:00 - Canada

Today, after passing various interviews and tests, I was given a great job pending a pre-employment medical test. Now I'm jobless and colorblind. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7067

You deserved it

674

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By leeebeeeee18 | 20

#5875729 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:20

Sounds like your neighbor needs to get laid.

By Zeishah | 26

#5875734 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:21

Your neighbour is such a drama queen :/ hope the cops warned him for the unnecessary false alarm!

Comments

By leeebeeeee18 | 20

#5875729 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:20

Sounds like your neighbor needs to get laid.

Reply

redrexrider | 5

#5875822 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 2:47

If so I'm his neighbour

Reply

tranced_ | 43

#5875834 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 2:55

yeah, coz half the problems of the world could be solved by sex.

Reply

123amanda123 | 14

#5875843 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 3:07

Or thicker walls .. That would work too

Reply

RougeKiller | 9

#5875898 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 4:25

Thicker walls would work for both situations here ;)

Reply

hashshim | 21

#5875950 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 5:14

29: I think that all problems could be solved with sex. Crisis in the middle east? Gaza strippers! Appartheid? Apart thighs! Cold War? Mr.Gorbachev, take down those pants! (Plus points if you get the reference.)

Reply

MortenM | 17

#5876001 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 6:19

#50 - great with plus points. But get the quote right first, yea?

*mrs. Gorbachov (which might be misspelled tho)

Reply

hashshim | 21

#5876013 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 6:33

57: Yeah, it was a typo. My bad.

Reply

Nohman | 14

#5876165 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 9:24

There are several possible spellings, Gorbachev is also accepted as an English variant.

Reply

hashshim | 21

#5876359 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 16:37

I meant that I wrote Mr. Instead of Mrs.

By Zeishah | 26

#5875734 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:21

Your neighbour is such a drama queen :/ hope the cops warned him for the unnecessary false alarm!

Reply

feven | 32

#5875866 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 3:45

My elderly neighbor is worse. She'll call the cops if I look at her wrong. Talk about racism.

Reply

FucYoCouch | 13

#5875896 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 4:23

I wonder how many times the cops were called as Op's neighbor "misheard" Op's keyboard as gunshoots as this FML was typed...

By Cwizer | 17

#5875735 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:22

Those must be some thin walls if he heard you poke holes. Maybe call him a hooker?

Reply

tiernang | 21

#5875903 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 4:32

I don't think telling him he's a hooker would help.

Reply

jisaac09 | 25

#5875949 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 5:12

@41, maybe not. It probably would make OP feel better though.

By wolfgold2 | 20

#5875736 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:22

How the hell do those even sound similar?

By Tmas95 | 14

#5875742 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:23

Jack, you fucking nosey bastard.

By Lebeaugars95 | 20

#5875744 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:23

lmaoo your neighbor is an extra bitch

By olpally | 32

#5875748 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:24

What a dumb ass. How does that sound like gunfire?

Reply

tpm45 | 25

#5875774 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:43

Clearly his neighbor plays too much COD.

Reply

warsun | 27

#5875989 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 6:02

If op's neighbour did play too much cod then real gunshots wouldn't "sound real" to said neighbour

Reply

drewflav | 17

#5876205 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 10:53

Maybe OP should return the favour, calling the cops on the neighbour claiming he heard machine gun fire (even though it was only popcorn). That ought to settle it. If OP is lucky the cops will find something illegal and haul the miserable bastard away.

By IllestRated | 17

#5875752 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:25

I hate neighbors like those, fussing for no reason.

By Welshite | 39

#5875753 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:25

Buy bubble wrap.

Reply

santosb1 | 11

#5875853 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 3:30

then he'll call the cops on WWIII

Reply

BluKatz | 11

#5876055 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 6:47

And a heavy duty rolling pin. Machine gun that shit, yo!

By worldclassrager | 39

#5875754 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:26

That seems to be really air tight...well it shows he cares I suppose but still that was unnecessary