Today, I got home late from work, so I decided to make myself... - FML

By fuck you, jack - United States - Peabody

Today, I got home late from work, so I decided to make myself a microwave meal. I pierced the plastic film several times. A little too loudly for my hateful bastard of a neighbor, I guess, because he called the cops on me, claiming he heard gunshots from my apartment. FML

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Understandable

Out of it

Forever the bridesmaid

By tomuchtime

Today, my doctor told me I have tennis elbow in both arms. I don't play tennis, I just have way too much free time. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, at college, the weird guy who stares at me every day came over, said, "I've made you a mixtape," then handed me an old, empty Queen's Greatest Hits CD case and scuttled off. FML

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By ID10t - United States

Today, I was on my back porch having a cigarette. Not being all that awake yet, I threw the butt, still smoldering, on the ground. Did I remember that there was an ashtray right next to me? No. I did what I would do at work: I stamped it out. Barefoot. FML

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By longdrive - United States

Today, my sister and I drove 800 miles with her five-year-old, her two-year-old, and her two dogs. The two-year-old got carsick five times, adding an extra three hours to the trip. The kickers? My sister is sympathy spewer and neither of them chews food very well. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Utrecht

Today, at a supermarket entrance, a seemingly drunk old lady said, "Sir?" as I passed by. I just ignored her and walked in. When I walked out with my groceries fifteen minutes later, several people were standing around her, calling for an ambulance. She'd passed out on the ground. FML

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By Cold&Soaked

Today, I set my alarm and got up early to view the Super Blue Blood Moon. I was all wrapped up in a blanket and had a perfect view from my backyard. It’s been a truly amazing experience, made even more exciting by the sprinklers turning on. FML

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By ohforchristssake - United States - San Francisco

Today, a cute guy I recognized from one of my classes messaged me on a dating site. He wanted help with homework. FML

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By Parenting... - United States - Arlington

Today, I had no choice but to bring my son to work as a med school professor. I sat him in a chair in a corner while I gave a lecture. To my surprise, he added another word to his limited vocabulary, and screamed it out loud with an ecstatic expression on his face. The word is "cancer". FML

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By Weak Disposition - United States - Roanoke

Today, I entered a hotdog eating contest. I made it up to two, threw up on the rest of them, and fell over. FML

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By lauren - United States

Today, I asked a boy I like to prom by writing all over his car. After nervously sitting by the phone all day, I decided to go out to get lunch. I found the word "No!" written all over my car. FML

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By A - Canada

Today, I received a phone call at work about an emergency and I had to come home immediately. I arrived to find that no one had been hurt and the house hadn't burned down. The "emergency" was my mom ran out of milk and cigarettes. FML

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By Vampire Teabag - United States - El Paso

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after I beat her once again in a trivia game. She said that I was cheating, and if I was cheating on the game, I was definitely cheating on her as well. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I came home to find my entire action figure collection was gone. My parents told me I am too old for toys, so they opened all of the packages and donated them to Goodwill. I had an original Boba Fett, and my entire collection was worth more than twenty thousand dollars. FML

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By fleatitting fame - Norway - Oslo

Today, a guy told me that I look like Angelina Jolie. Before I could thank him, he continued, "I mean like in the chest area. After the mastectomy, you know?" FML

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By Aginsafa - United States

Today, at work my boss told me I have been late, under-productive, and using up a lot of sick days. He says my job is on the line. My reason for barely showing up at work: I've been on maternity leave for 6 weeks. FML

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By thechimpchapter - United States

Today, I found out that the neighbor I'd given a bottle of wine to for Christmas is a recovering alcoholic. FML

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By aaalias34 - United States

Today, my dog farted. Immediately, he turned around to sniff his stink then furiously licked his butthole. He then licked my nose. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was drinking from a water fountain. I bent over to sip the water and felt a HUGE slap on my ass. Completely confused, I turn around to see some guy with a horrified look on his face. Apparently he thought I was his girlfriend. And then I saw his girlfriend standing behind him. Giving me the evil eye. FML

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By Skimilk - Australia

Today, I went in to my local cafe for my morning coffee. I was chatting to the barista as she was making it, and I mentioned that I was starting a new diet. She goes, "Oh that's great! I've been sneaking skimmed milk in your coffee for years, I didn't want to say anything..." FML

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By is there a environmental scientist in the house? - United States - Walnut Creek

Today, wanting to impress my date, I bullshitted her about how I was an environmental scientist. She got so impressed that she invited me over to her place. Not her home, her office. So that I could give her pointers on her current project. She's a real environmental scientist. FML

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By BbyDelight - Canada

Today, it was my mom's birthday. I decided to get her a Willow Tree statue of a woman fairy holding a heart. After dinner, I presented my gift. My mother asked me how much it was. I replied, $30. She threw me a dirty look, shoved the present in my direction, and told me to return it. FML

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By candie - United States

Today, thanks to my wife's confession, I found out that the 14 year old child I've raised since I was 16 isn't related to me at all. But at least this narrows the real father down to one of three other guys. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Indianapolis

Today, after extensive tests due to pregnancy-related issues, I've been told my diet must change. I can no longer eat salt, sugar, gluten, or meat, and lactose is questionable. The doctor hopes it will end after the birth. Seven months to go. FML

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By badbride - United States

Today, I accidentally slept in two hours later than I was supposed to. Today is my wedding day. FML

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By tclwj - 6/9/2020 23:01 - Trinidad and Tobago - Port-of-spain

Kids and their wacky crazes

Today, I bought a used SUV that had fairly dirty carpets, that got even more dirty as I drove my 2 daughters around. I got it professionally cleaned and detailed and it looks brand new, but now my daughters cry and scream as I put them in the clean car, because their favorite stain is not there anymore. FML

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By published_anthropologist - United States

Today, my girlfriend of eight years explained to me that the Egyptian pyramids were built by aliens from Mars. I have a B.S. in Biology and an M.S. in Anthropology, and I am working on my Ph.D. She thinks I'm an irrational idiot for telling her she is wrong. FML

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By minaaaaajftw - Norway - Jessheim

Today, I went to the grocery store with three bags full of sausages that I'd drunkenly bought the night before. Even though the manager remembered me, he wouldn't give me a refund, and now I'll be lucky if I can pay my rent this month. FML

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By cinemasaddo - United Kingdom

Today, I was let down for a movie date. As I'd already paid for the tickets, I got my narcoleptic sister to come and sit next to me while she slept, so it didn't look like I came on my own. FML

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By Hobbsie - Canada

Today, my dad walked in on me singing "Bohemian Rhapsody", while spinning in circles with the cat in my arms. I thought I was home alone. FML

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By llozano715 - France

Today, I got the car of my dreams. My daughter also learned how to write her name. Now I have "LAUREN" across the side of my car. FML

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By BigBlue - United States - Seattle

Today, I was texting an artist friend telling her I wanted to buy her paintings; going on and on about how much I wanted it and loved the way they looked and couldn't wait to have them. I realized my phone had corrected paintings to panties. FML

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By JennyAndrews - United Arab Emirates

Today, I was texting this cute guy that I like. After a couple of minutes I get a missed call from him, I call back and his girlfriend answers and says "Hi this is his girlfriend, please stop calling him". FML

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By Telley21 - United States - Rexburg

He had to find out eventually!

Today, I made my boyfriend a beautiful dinner of seafood and rice. This was the first time I could afford lobster, and thought it would be a great treat for us both. I learned that this was the first time he has eaten lobster, and he learned that he is allergic. FML

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By exposed - United States

Today, I woke up late for a very important presentation. I got dressed but forgot to wear a bra. During the presentation, I bent down to adjust a shoe strap. I rose to find that the thin straps of my blouse snapped and exposed my breasts. I gave a great presentation and a titty show. FML

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By properpissed - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was talking to one of my British friends online, and he told me to say "yew anchors" a few times really fast. I'm a fairly stupid person, and wasn't very focused, so I did as he said. When I finally figured what the words meant, my dad had heard and grounded me for cursing. FML

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By nurse4life - United States - Moultrie

420 BLAZE IT BRO!!!

Today, a patient at the hospital where I work asked me if he and his son could light up a joint. He was on oxygen, and serious. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while playing with a lighter, I jokingly told my boyfriend I would burn his mustache off. He responded by telling me he would burn off mine. FML

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By Fish - United Arab Emirates

Today, we were hanging around the pool with a couple of friends and a crush of mine. Thinking I would be able to impress her with a well performed dive of the diving board, I go up and attempt my best dive. I slip just as I jump and hit my head on the board. I had to be saved by the lifeguard. FML

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By Epiphany - United States

Today, I finally realized how depressed I am when I found bubble wrap and didn't feel like popping it. FML

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By confused - Australia - Glen Waverley

Today, I was at University when a giant mascot started walking in my direction. As they walked past, they whispered my name seductively. I still don't know who it was. FML

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Top comments

By leeebeeeee18 | 20

#5875729 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:20

Sounds like your neighbor needs to get laid.

By Zeishah | 26

#5875734 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:21

Your neighbour is such a drama queen :/ hope the cops warned him for the unnecessary false alarm!

COMMENTS

By leeebeeeee18 | 20

#5875729 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:20

Sounds like your neighbor needs to get laid.

Reply

redrexrider | 5

#5875822 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 2:47

If so I'm his neighbour

Reply

tranced_ | 44

#5875834 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 2:55

yeah, coz half the problems of the world could be solved by sex.

Reply

123amanda123 | 14

#5875843 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 3:07

Or thicker walls .. That would work too

Reply

RougeKiller | 9

#5875898 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 4:25

Thicker walls would work for both situations here ;)

Reply

hashshim | 21

#5875950 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 5:14

29: I think that all problems could be solved with sex. Crisis in the middle east? Gaza strippers! Appartheid? Apart thighs! Cold War? Mr.Gorbachev, take down those pants! (Plus points if you get the reference.)

Reply

MortenM | 17

#5876001 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 6:19

#50 - great with plus points. But get the quote right first, yea?

*mrs. Gorbachov (which might be misspelled tho)

Reply

hashshim | 21

#5876013 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 6:33

57: Yeah, it was a typo. My bad.

Reply

Nohman | 14

#5876165 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 9:24

There are several possible spellings, Gorbachev is also accepted as an English variant.

Reply

hashshim | 21

#5876359 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 16:37

I meant that I wrote Mr. Instead of Mrs.

By Zeishah | 26

#5875734 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:21

Your neighbour is such a drama queen :/ hope the cops warned him for the unnecessary false alarm!

Reply

feven | 32

#5875866 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 3:45

My elderly neighbor is worse. She'll call the cops if I look at her wrong. Talk about racism.

Reply

FucYoCouch | 13

#5875896 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 4:23

I wonder how many times the cops were called as Op's neighbor "misheard" Op's keyboard as gunshoots as this FML was typed...

By Cwizer | 17

#5875735 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:22

Those must be some thin walls if he heard you poke holes. Maybe call him a hooker?

Reply

tiernang | 21

#5875903 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 4:32

I don't think telling him he's a hooker would help.

Reply

jisaac09 | 25

#5875949 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 5:12

@41, maybe not. It probably would make OP feel better though.

By wolfgold2 | 20

#5875736 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:22

How the hell do those even sound similar?

By Tmas95 | 14

#5875742 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:23

Jack, you fucking nosey bastard.

By Lebeaugars95 | 20

#5875744 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:23

lmaoo your neighbor is an extra bitch

By olpally | 32

#5875748 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:24

What a dumb ass. How does that sound like gunfire?

Reply

tpm45 | 25

#5875774 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:43

Clearly his neighbor plays too much COD.

Reply

warsun | 27

#5875989 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 6:02

If op's neighbour did play too much cod then real gunshots wouldn't "sound real" to said neighbour

Reply

drewflav | 17

#5876205 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 10:53

Maybe OP should return the favour, calling the cops on the neighbour claiming he heard machine gun fire (even though it was only popcorn). That ought to settle it. If OP is lucky the cops will find something illegal and haul the miserable bastard away.

By IllestRated | 17

#5875752 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:25

I hate neighbors like those, fussing for no reason.

By Welshite | 39

#5875753 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:25

Buy bubble wrap.

Reply

santosb1 | 11

#5875853 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 3:30

then he'll call the cops on WWIII

Reply

BluKatz | 11

#5876055 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 6:47

And a heavy duty rolling pin. Machine gun that shit, yo!

By worldclassrager | 39

#5875754 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:26

That seems to be really air tight...well it shows he cares I suppose but still that was unnecessary