Love: Today, after nearly a month, I found out my wife isn't pregnant...

By Anonymous - Norway - Nesoddtangen

Today, after nearly a month, I found out my wife isn't pregnant after all. She was just screwing around to win a bet with her friends on how long it'd take me to figure out the truth. FML

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Love

Out of it

Buyer's market

Keep the peace

By emkatch - Canada

Today, I came home about two hours early from a friend's party. After I walked in and upstairs, I quickly and quietly left and went back to the party. I guess my parents decided to have a little party as well. It's called a threesome with my neighbor. They still don't know that I know. FML

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By Just Me - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I came out to my mom as a lesbian. She told me that it was impossible, because since she isn't one, she therefore couldn't have given birth to one. She still won't believe me. FML

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By Soopa-Genius - Canada

Today, the new office IT guy figured the best way to get the virus off my computer was to wipe my entire hard drive. He was kind enough to back my data up and restore everything from the backups. Including the virus. FML

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By zazadudu - France

Today, I wore myself out cooking, preparing tasty little dishes for my sweetheart. I heard him arrive and shout as he went up the stairs, "It stinks of shit in here! Have you been cooking?" I threw everything in the bin. We can eat sandwiches. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I made a Sim of myself and had her work out until she was completely fit, then got her a job and a husband. Meanwhile, I sat at my desk, fat, single and jobless. FML

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By Ohshucks! - United States

Today, I helped my fiancé pack up and head to Texas for a business trip. I'm not only going to miss him, but I'll also miss my car keys that I accidentally left in his car. I drive for a living. FML

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By justwow - United States - Fort George G Meade

Today, I saw an article about how some people think internet access is more important than sex. I asked my boyfriend which he thought was more important. He chose internet access. FML

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By hamburger - United States - Adrian

Today, my husband wanted to try anal for the first time. His attempt to sound romantic was him saying, "Open your buns, the meat is ready." FML

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By New computer - France

Today, I was on an airplane back from California. I decided to check out my new $1500 MacBook that I bought the day before. My son decided to projectile vomit all over me, my new computer, and my bag. None of it got on him. FML

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By what even - United States - Athens

Today, I asked my boyfriend why he was dating me. He replied, "Well, there's not a lot of options at this college." FML

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By Anonymous - 1/6/2020 14:00

Unsanitary

Today, I demanded to know why my boyfriend takes so long in public toilets. He admitted his ex was such a nasty ho, she would drag him into public toilets whenever she wanted dick in public. So now every time he goes in one, he gets a boner and has to "get rid of it" before he can come out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Ramon

Today, my mother-in-law tried to "accidentally" run me over. FML

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By Lickmebaby - United Kingdom - Enfield

Today, I woke up to see my 8-year-old cousin licking my hand. All of it. FML

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By Kaitlyn Aronson

Today, my coworker spilled sticky fruit glaze all over my cake display cake and left it overnight uncleaned. The same display case I spent 2 hours cleaning the day before. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my daughter's guinea pig got stuck behind the wardrobe, squeaking its head off. I tried pulling the wardrobe towards me to free him, but couldn't take the weight of it all, so it fell over, smashing the TV. The guinea pig is fine. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my perfectly sane and healthy 90 year old grandmother had a heart to heart with me. She told me she'd pay for a boob job. When I asked why, she said, "Sweetie, you'll never attract someone with those tiny suckers." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Atlanta

Today, I leaned over my sleeping girlfriend, kissed her cheek and told her I love her. She punched me in the ear. FML

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By oneillrox - United States

Today, I took my cat to the vet for an x-ray. They found three dollar coins in his stomach. The surgery to remove them is $600. FML

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By ANON - United States - Mission Viejo

Today, one of my ears randomly went deaf. I went to the doctor, thinking I had an ear infection or something. Turns out that your ears can go deaf entirely without reason, and I now have medication to take to see if I can get any of my hearing back in that ear. I'm only 26. FML

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By shit

Today, I was in a public restroom trying to take a dump. It's difficult for me to do it in public, so to make it easier I kept telling myself, "Nobody's here, you're all alone." I then heard, "No you're not." I didn't realize I was saying it out loud. And that I wasn't alone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Carbondale

Today, I ran into my favorite teacher from high school, the one that really inspired me to become one myself. I told her that I'm in my last year of college preparing to become a teacher, to which she replied, "Wow, they really are letting anyone have a crack at being a teacher these days." FML

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By branwen5 - United States

Today, I had my final divorce proceeding. The judge denied my divorce because my husband is unemployed. I can't get a divorce until he gets a job to pay child support. He hasn't had a job for 3 years. FML

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By ladyhavery - United States

Today, my hot co-worker had to use my computer, so he called me while I was at lunch for my login password. It was his name. FML

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By handymandy - United States

Today, we received our honeymoon itinerary. Our travel agent booked our flight to Punta Cana correctly. Too bad she booked us a hotel in Orlando, Florida. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Phoenix

Today, like every other day for the past two weeks, the strange cat that has adopted me inexplicably made its way into my house and curled up next to my head while I slept. I'm horribly allergic. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, a friend of mine came to my house with tears in her eyes. I thought she was finally single so I could ask her out. Actually, her mother found out she was dating a girl, so she wants me to be her fake boyfriend as a cover-up. At least we're "dating" now. FML

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By ScoobieDoo - United States

Today, my son said, "Mommy, sometimes my pee-pee goes up like a stick." I replied, "Well, honey, that's normal and okay." I then asked when it happens, to which he said, "Well, sometimes when watching Scooby Doo and Shaggy comes out dressed in lady clothes." FML

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By squizzlebee - United Kingdom - York

Today, I saw on Facebook that a friend left her job where I also used to work, as she posted a picture of her farewell gifts, including cards, balloons and cookies. Normally, I'd be happy for her, except when I left I was told they'd "stopped doing farewell presents", and as such, I'd got nothing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to go to a birthday party for 10 year old triplets. They've all been dead for more than 9 years. FML

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By baddaughter - Canada

Today, I called my mother who is vacationing in Florida with my dad and sister. Before they left I told them I would be very responsible and that they could trust me. The first thing she asked me is if all the animals were still alive. I said yes. I lied. Her favourite cat drowned in the pool. FML

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By Etrius - United States - La Grande

Today, I went to get my hair cut. My stylist had the greatest tattoo of a rat on her arm. I spent the whole appointment thinking about how cool the tattoo was, and what an interesting person she must be to choose such a thing. So I complimented her on it and she said, "Oh it's a wolf." FML

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By box bulge - China

Today, whilst trying on a pair of jeans, I got my genitals caught in my fly. I'm a woman. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

TMI

Today, I had to ask my girlfriend to please stop telling me about her ex's penis. FML

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By sydmarie98 - United States - Chesapeake

Today, my friend let me borrow a pair of jeans. I found out I'm allergic to her laundry detergent when I broke out in a rash everywhere that the jeans touched. FML

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By wtf mom - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, my very drunk mom called me to confess that she was the girl that my boyfriend left me for two years ago. FML

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By lunchbox2353 - United States

Today, for 20 minutes, I watched my girlfriend use a mini flashlight to look for her keys in her purse. The flashlight was on her key chain. As were her keys. FML

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By LD - United States - Nampa

Today, I witnessed my husband in the shower singing Chicago's "You're the Inspiration" to his penis while manscaping. I guess that's a bond we'll never have. FML

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By piercingfreak - New Zealand

Today, I went in to see my piercer. He took one look at my piercing I got a few months ago and laughed saying "What a shit job, I'm sorry but that's pretty crappy because it's not even straight!" I then had to awkwardly explain it was indeed him who had pierced me. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I finally worked up the courage to write a girl a note, with my number on it, and the words: "You're stunning. Get in touch sometime." Heart pounding, I saw her, got up, and passed her the note. Then I passed out at her feet. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/8/2020 02:01

Today, on "Dr. Phil"…

Today, my dad got upset when one of his employees showed a romantic interest in my mom. Both parents were totally fine, though, with that same employee announcing his engagement to my 15-year-old sister. FML

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Top comments

By kirrra | 11

#5875724 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:19

what a cruel joke, I think your wife has some growing up to do before you both have a baby for real

By wolfgold2 | 20

#5875730 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:21

Fake like you're sterile.

COMMENTS

By kirrra | 11

#5875724 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:19

what a cruel joke, I think your wife has some growing up to do before you both have a baby for real

feven | 32

#5875864 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 3:40

Yeah she really needs to grow up, so immature. By the way I was the 69th person to like your comment. Wink, wink.

toaster123 | 11

#5875870 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 3:50

lol 69... haha

hashshim | 21

#5875933 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 4:59

42, 46: and the number of fucks anybody gave was... Zero!

Pauline96_fml | 20

#5876355 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 16:33

Wrong. Right now the number o fucks given for #46 is -27

By wolfgold2 | 20

#5875730 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:21

Fake like you're sterile.

By Cwizer | 17

#5875731 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:21

Wow that is horrible!!! I hope your wife realizes how lucky she is. Geeez

By AlaskanG | 27

#5875733 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:21

What a bitch.

By olpally | 32

#5875740 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:22

That's a scary thing to joke about. What a bitch.

Jessj958 | 19

#5875852 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 3:30

And a very serious thing to joke about. Tell her you have herpes or something and see if she thinks that's funny!

By BigWain | 6

#5875743 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:23

Tell her to take a bet about how long you stay at your friend's or family member's house for the year.

damnit1989 | 16

#5875771 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:38

Um... A year?

BigWain | 6

#5875788 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 2:05

How manys days of the year, context clues. 3 days, 1 week, a month, things like that.

chinaski7628 | 32

#5875862 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 3:37

I think #19 was implying OP would be staying away forever.

Moobacca | 2

#5875957 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 5:26

Why should he go anywhere? Kick her ass out.

By worldclassrager | 39

#5875745 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:24

Well, did she win the bet?

dachayke | 16

#5875888 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 4:15

If she did, OP should use the money on a hooker because even that would be better than doing anything with his wife.

By IllestRated | 17

#5875746 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:24

An eye for an eye. You know what makes her tick.

Welshite | 39

#5875758 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:27

So OP should fake being pregnant?

buttcramp | 21

#5875918 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 4:43

I think #8 was saying "you probably know something that could make your wife just as angry as she made you, so do it"

By ramseytt69 | 8

#5875747 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:24

I agree with everyone that seriously is a stupid ass move! I'm not going to call her a bitch because she's your wife! But they all need to grow the hell up!