Today, after nearly a month, I found out my wife isn't pregnant...

By Anonymous - Norway - Nesoddtangen

Today, after nearly a month, I found out my wife isn't pregnant after all. She was just screwing around to win a bet with her friends on how long it'd take me to figure out the truth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52707

You deserved it

4852

Favorite

Love

Out of it

Emergency haircut

Parental guilt

By Xpload - United States - Lake Orion

Today, I woke up with a skull-splitting headache. I braved the wind and freezing temperatures to get to work. Today is also the day my boss thought it would be cute to let the elementary school band play at our office. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45359

You deserved it

4206

Favorite

By Paul - United States

Today, my boss called me into his office. After yelling and firing me, his assistant comes in telling him he had mistaken me for someone else. He did not give me my job back, as he claimed it would make an awkward work environment. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53902

You deserved it

2595

Favorite

By Agathus - United Arab Emirates

Today, my mother spent over $5,000 to fly in a Feng-Shui master, put him in a five-star hotel, and had him walk around our house with a compass, moving things to help improve the "energy flow." Now all I have in my room is an old mattress and lamp. He's coming back tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37282

You deserved it

3293

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, I told my parents that I am a smoker. My mother started crying, and said she worried I was gay, but this is almost as bad. That leads on to part two of my confessions... FML

I agree, your life sucks

3950

You deserved it

661

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, while working the drive-through, a woman ordered a large coffee with four creams. I handed her the coffee, and she took a sip. She then hurled it at me, screaming, "I said four creams, not five!" and sped off, leaving me drenched in hot coffee. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41854

You deserved it

2968

Favorite

By oof - 9/7/2020 23:01

Boom, headshot

Today, my fiancé and I were discussing whether we should have a gun in the house or not. He argued that I’m too clumsy to have one. Offended, I turned around to storm off. I hit my forehead on the cabinet I'd left open and immediately started gushing blood. Point proved. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1020

You deserved it

1573

Favorite

By ICanExplain - United States - Sunnyvale

Today, after parking in the handicapped spot of a lot with my placard, an older couple with their 7-year-old grandchild came up and yelled at me for being a lying asshole and taking the parking spot. When I showed them my prosthetic leg, the kid started crying and guess who got yelled at again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32943

You deserved it

1546

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, I'm mad at my dad for forgetting it's my birthday. He's mad at me for not reminding him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20695

You deserved it

1883

Favorite

By Merdoc - United States

Today, my girlfriend's guinea pig managed to go down her shirt. I have been dating her for 3 weeks and I haven't even kissed her yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22271

You deserved it

44532

Favorite

By Luke - United States - Liverpool

Today, my department found out that we're getting a new supervisor for the third time this month. I joked about how we're like "the foster kid nobody wants." One of my coworkers burst into tears and ran off. I later found out that she had been a foster child and never once had a stable home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38042

You deserved it

29564

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom noticed the hickey that I have on my neck. Embarrassed, I tried convincing her that I burnt myself using a hair straightener. She then told me that that's the same excuse she told my grandma when she got a hickey. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13841

You deserved it

46703

Favorite

By Waterfalls - United States - Carlsbad

Today, I stood up too quickly and got dizzy, so I sat on the edge of the bed to regain my balance. I started dozing off to sleep again, got confused, and peed down the side of my bed thinking I was on the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39180

You deserved it

10610

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Bakersfield

Today, I was searched and questioned at the airport for having an apple. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42848

You deserved it

4761

Favorite

By stupidboys - United States

Today, I got dumped by my boyfriend after helping him study for his ACT, giving him a back rub, and having really awesome sex with him. His reason for dumping me? He's too stressed out to have a girlfriend right now. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38596

You deserved it

4583

Favorite

By Screamingfirecracker - Canada

Today I finally worked up the nerve to quit my job after being tortured by my boss for months. My boss responded by throwing a hard-covered textbook at me and hitting me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13958

You deserved it

872

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my toilet decided it wouldn't take any more shit from me, and flooded the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41688

You deserved it

6505

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was out with my girlfriend at a club. As a slow dance began, a guy approached and asked, "May I cut in?" My girlfriend surprised me by saying, "Sure!" As I was about to protest, the guy cut me off and said, "Sorry miss, I was asking him." FML

I agree, your life sucks

51879

You deserved it

7222

Favorite

By youonlyneed2squares

Today, as I was lying in my bed eating my dinner, my roommate says to me: "I don't know how to say this, but we need more towels. The room is flooding." FML

I agree, your life sucks

34050

You deserved it

2890

Favorite

By vinniesuckmadack - United States

Today, I woke up to go to school. I was unbelievably tired, but I gathered the courage to go take my shower. I then took a long shower, cleaned up my room, got dressed, and ate breakfast. Going back to my room, I looked at the clock, which read 3:22 AM. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47358

You deserved it

37904

Favorite

By Sorry - Canada

Today, trying to take initiative, I wore nothing but an apron and led my husband to the kitchen by his knob to have some fun. I tripped on the floor and used his knob to keep balance. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25674

You deserved it

7768

Favorite

By babylove - South Africa

Today, I'm in the process of adopting a child. When I called my mom to tell her the news, she just said, "Oh honey, don't adopt, it's the worst decision you'll ever make." I'm adopted. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53031

You deserved it

3337

Favorite

By anx133 - China

Today, like any other day I struggled to put my boots on, went to pee and noticed my pants were covered in what looked like a green dust. I touched it, sniffed it, and it smelled utterly horrendous. So I took my boots off again only to find that one of my cats had took a dump in one of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22418

You deserved it

3150

Favorite

By still learning - Canada

Today, I cut myself while shaving my globes. My girlfriend now refuses to stop teasing me about being "fisted by Edward Scissorhands." FML

I agree, your life sucks

25931

You deserved it

7899

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked in on my daughter lighting candles around one of her friends, who'd fallen asleep while her other friends chanted something in a different language. They still won't tell me what they were doing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53786

You deserved it

5327

Favorite

By maturity - Australia - Sydney

Today, I found an invisible ink pen. I drew on my arms, thinking nobody would see it. I had an allergic reaction to the ink, and I now have three very large, very visible, red penises on my forearm. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16958

You deserved it

64061

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, someone thought it would be funny to switch the signs on the bathroom doors. Fortunately, I knew which was the men's and went on in. The startled old woman inside, however, did not. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26349

You deserved it

3454

Favorite

By mustabeendrugs - United States - Tucson

Today, a customer called me "chink eyes", "dog eater", "bloody Chinese communist" and "ching chong." I'm black. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58144

You deserved it

3701

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Arab Emirates - Dubai

Today, I found out that my classmates hate me so much that they have a seating arrangement where people have to sit next to me on a rotating basis. A fight broke out yesterday because someone tried to skip their turn. FML

I agree, your life sucks

63134

You deserved it

17435

Favorite

By RonnieG - United States - Orlando

Today, I confessed to losing my wife's engagement ring, and replacing it with a lookalike months ago. My wife also confessed that her actual engagement ring was locked in the safe, and the one I lost had been a fake. I've been paying the replacement off on my credit card for 6 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46004

You deserved it

14036

Favorite

By CosmicJoke - United States

Today, I found my car had been robbed. The thieves stole my GPS, my iPod and my digital camera. While I was filing the police report, the officer recommended I take photos for insurance purposes. Then she remembered my camera had been stolen. She actually started laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52894

You deserved it

5361

Favorite

By Lmop68 - Canada

Today, I saw my crush waving me over from the other end of the parking lot. I ran quickly to greet him, but in my excitement didn't take note of the giant Hummer backing out. I broke two ribs and all my crush was trying to do was warn me of the moving vehicle I was about to run into. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41947

You deserved it

17288

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Provo

Today, I found my cat dead on the road. I called my family and told them, and later buried the cat. Not long after I got done burying it, my cat walked up to me. I buried someone else's cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53169

You deserved it

11136

Favorite

By Andy - Canada - Toronto

Today, I attended a formal banquet. The host was delivering a speech, when I felt the urge to pee, so I tried to quietly excuse myself. My chair screeched over the floor as I got up, I tripped over my own feet, and I accidentally took the door leading outdoors, where I ended up peeing in shame. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25352

You deserved it

4329

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was informed that my boyfriend's mother would be joining us on our Valentine's dinner. I'm not sure if this momma's boy thing is going to work out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29883

You deserved it

3537

Favorite

By UrbanCass - United States

Today, I finally had sex with a girl I've been dating for over a month. Before we got started she told me not to worry about the birth control because she could handle that. So after we finished I asked her what kind of birth control she used. She said she meditated. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37339

You deserved it

76508

Favorite

By mikki bee - United States - Reno

Today, I decided to start jogging and exercising, so I had a wonderful workout before work. Then I broke my foot at work. Goodbye exercising. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29064

You deserved it

2505

Favorite

By master baiter - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I was at a job interview for a position I really needed. Somehow, the interviewer and I started talking about fishing. I joked, "I'm a master baiter." Needless to say, I didn't get the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30828

You deserved it

43549

Favorite

By chocofreak - United States

Today, I work at a chocolate factory on the sanitation shift. I was under a machine cleaning and a spider fell on me. I started freaking out and a coworker thought I got caught in the moving parts and frantically pulled me out and alerted my boss. Turns out it was just a piece of caramel. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17149

You deserved it

44807

Favorite

By look at the fucking universe, lady - United States - Montgomery

Today, I spent hours debating with a lady who claimed she'd spent years "studying the big bang theory". Not only did she not know the scientific meaning of the word "theory", her killer argument was "If the big bang happened, where are the fossils?" I'm not sure whether or not I just got trolled. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40640

You deserved it

5188

Favorite

By gloomy

Today, my daughter and I went to the mall. While we were looking for clothes, she walked away from me and touched a man on the arm and smiled and said "Hi!" The man freaked out and screamed at me for letting that "thing" in public and to "wear a condom next time." FML

I agree, your life sucks

4643

You deserved it

754

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By kirrra | 11

#5875724 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:19

what a cruel joke, I think your wife has some growing up to do before you both have a baby for real

By wolfgold2 | 20

#5875730 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:21

Fake like you're sterile.

COMMENTS

By kirrra | 11

#5875724 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:19

what a cruel joke, I think your wife has some growing up to do before you both have a baby for real

feven | 32

#5875864 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 3:40

Yeah she really needs to grow up, so immature. By the way I was the 69th person to like your comment. Wink, wink.

toaster123 | 11

#5875870 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 3:50

lol 69... haha

hashshim | 21

#5875933 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 4:59

42, 46: and the number of fucks anybody gave was... Zero!

Pauline96_fml | 20

#5876355 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 16:33

Wrong. Right now the number o fucks given for #46 is -27

By wolfgold2 | 20

#5875730 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:21

Fake like you're sterile.

By Cwizer | 17

#5875731 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:21

Wow that is horrible!!! I hope your wife realizes how lucky she is. Geeez

By AlaskanG | 27

#5875733 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:21

What a bitch.

By olpally | 32

#5875740 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:22

That's a scary thing to joke about. What a bitch.

Jessj958 | 19

#5875852 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 3:30

And a very serious thing to joke about. Tell her you have herpes or something and see if she thinks that's funny!

By BigWain | 6

#5875743 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:23

Tell her to take a bet about how long you stay at your friend's or family member's house for the year.

damnit1989 | 16

#5875771 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:38

Um... A year?

BigWain | 6

#5875788 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 2:05

How manys days of the year, context clues. 3 days, 1 week, a month, things like that.

chinaski7628 | 32

#5875862 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 3:37

I think #19 was implying OP would be staying away forever.

Moobacca | 2

#5875957 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 5:26

Why should he go anywhere? Kick her ass out.

By worldclassrager | 39

#5875745 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:24

Well, did she win the bet?

dachayke | 16

#5875888 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 4:15

If she did, OP should use the money on a hooker because even that would be better than doing anything with his wife.

By IllestRated | 17

#5875746 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:24

An eye for an eye. You know what makes her tick.

Welshite | 39

#5875758 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:27

So OP should fake being pregnant?

buttcramp | 21

#5875918 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 4:43

I think #8 was saying "you probably know something that could make your wife just as angry as she made you, so do it"

By ramseytt69 | 8

#5875747 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:24

I agree with everyone that seriously is a stupid ass move! I'm not going to call her a bitch because she's your wife! But they all need to grow the hell up!