Health: Today, I found out my mom intentionally puts extra butter and... - FML

By fatteningmeup - 26/05/2011 14:24 - United States

Today, I found out my mom intentionally puts extra butter and oil in the food she cooks for me because she wants me to be fatter than her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 335

You deserved it 3 781

The smell detective is on the case

Our house, in the middle of our street

Weird reason to leave, but OK

PSA

By CallMeCherry - 26/08/2020 07:59 - United Kingdom

Today, I managed to "permanently and irrevocably" damage my spine. How? By bending down and picking up a piece of paper. According to my doctor, essentially I need to, "bend over like a stripper if I want to pick something up." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 320

You deserved it 123

By BilletsDoudous - 15/01/2015 06:51 - France

Today, I'm a ticket inspector on a train. A suspiciously-acting guy of about 30 gets on board with two huge bags. Worried, I keep an eye on him. I wasn't disappointed when he got 5 furry toys out of his bags and started to have a conversation with them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 361

You deserved it 3 371

By dicksonthebrain - 26/09/2014 13:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I was asked to order a new lockable cash tin for work. When my boss returned to ask which one I'd selected, I said, "An 8-inch black one". Her giggle said it all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 228

You deserved it 6 609

By oops - 18/05/2009 08:45 - United States

Today, I was working at my job as cashier. This really attractive girl that comes in walked in, so I mustered up the courage to ask her out, by writing my number on a dollar bill. She pays and a dollar is her change. I go to hand her the money when she sees it and says, "Keep the change". FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 261

You deserved it 18 101

By Anonymous - 26/11/2018 16:00 - United States - Floral Park

Today, my self-described "genius" cousin came to the conclusion that cooking the turkey in the oven for 8 hours would take too long, so he doubled the temperature to have it done in half the time. The fire department had to come to put out the fireball that was once my butterball. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 982

You deserved it 225

Hangover blues

By VibeCheck - 10/03/2020 07:57

Today, I woke up hungover and went to the kitchen for some food. I saw what I thought was a blueberry muffin. Halfway through eating it, I realized I couldn’t taste any blueberries, so I tried another one. I then remembered my dad telling me to throw out any old food we had. It was mould. FML

I agree, your life sucks 532

You deserved it 1 721

By octoberrain - 12/10/2011 15:41 - United States

Today, my upstairs neighbor was leaving the parking lot, and stopped to wave. I smiled and waved back, only to realize that she was saying goodbye to her cat, who was sitting in the window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 421

You deserved it 3 646

By Anonymous - 09/01/2015 20:16 - United States

Today, I tried baking my own bread to save food money. Unfortunately I screwed it up, prompting my wife to look at me pityingly and say "Wow, can't get even bread to rise." before walking out. I have erectile dysfunction, and she constantly insults me like this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 686

You deserved it 3 931

By fuck my liBLARGHSLJNAdlajdSzxz - 05/09/2013 16:39 - Sweden - Solna

Spicy

Today, after my grandma did some early Halloween costume shopping, I witnessed her modeling a "sexy nurse" outfit. After seeing her bare thighs and most of her ass, I don't think I can eat cottage cheese ever again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 390

You deserved it 5 021

By T-Guy - 03/07/2011 03:01 - United States

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend told me she wanted to spice up our sex life, so we went and had sex in the park. We had 30 minutes of "spice", just to spend seven hours in jail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 253

You deserved it 50 745

Class Wars - UK Edition

By Anonymous - 19/06/2020 14:01

Today, my wife blames me for our son having a “posh” accent, because she thinks he’ll be bullied at school. I’m a Yorkshireman and use “ey up”, “ow do” , “pillock” and “arse” in everyday conversation, whereas my wife was raised in Oxford, I doubt I’m the one making our son sound posh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 580

You deserved it 219

By abbyleigh08 - 17/02/2009 07:01 - United States

Today, I told my mom I want to try out for American Idol. She responded with, "You don't take disappointment well." FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 316

You deserved it 30 778

By Anonymous - 28/12/2018 16:00

Today, my violent geriatric patient was trying to escape the facility. When I intervened, she poked my belly then told me I was squishy and that I might explode. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 303

You deserved it 257

By IStillHaveMy8hrShiftToGo - 11/03/2014 13:01 - United States - Beaverton

Today, I came in to work early at a restaurant to help out. I stocked, baked pies for the next day, cleaned and set over 50 tables, and vacuumed the entire two stories. When I went to send an order for the first customer of mine, I realized I hadn't even clocked on. Four ½ hours of work wasted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 315

You deserved it 10 708

By Oops - 26/09/2011 15:35 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I was trying to be sexy and rub my boyfriend's un-aroused package while we were watching a movie. I couldn't find it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 834

You deserved it 7 803

By fuckingcool - 14/12/2016 20:59 - United States - Ortonville

Today, my friend was complaining to me that she's gained 20 pounds and it's all gone to her butt and boobs. Meanwhile, I've also gained 20 pounds, and it's gone straight to my stomach. She looks better than she did before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 936

You deserved it 702

By Thoughtless Wife - 18/06/2017 14:00

Today, my sister-in-law announced on Facebook that I did nothing for my husband's birthday. I'd just had major surgery, and I'm not allowed to drive or do much. We had a small party - just us and the kids - but didn't invite anyone over. I guess not inviting her meant we did nothing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 594

You deserved it 237

Wokescolds gonna get you

By Red Toad - 30/11/2020 00:04 - United States - Litchfield Park

Today, I realized the topic for my 1750-word essay could end up offending people, and I had to start all over from the beginning with a different topic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 347

You deserved it 568

By Anonymous - 15/04/2009 18:18 - United States

Today, I heard an electric saw cutting through something outside my condo. I presumed it was a complex maintenance guy working on something. It was a thief using an angle grinder to cut off my bicycle's U-lock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 918

You deserved it 6 006

By norestforthewicked - 14/02/2017 15:00 - United States

Today, my girlfriend's deaf and senile cat listens to my verbal instructions better than my completely healthy middle school students listen to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 450

You deserved it 585

By Elena - 07/07/2011 23:56 - United States

Today, after having worked two jobs for months to save up for a big vacation, I came home to find my hard-earned money replaced by my boyfriend's brand new motorcycle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 394

You deserved it 6 477

By disappointment son - 19/05/2017 12:00

Today, I caught and kicked a shoplifter out of my store. The shoplifter was my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 421

You deserved it 230

Driving me mad

By Username - 06/07/2010 22:21 - France

Today, at the crack of dawn, I started a 700-mile road trip with my three children. So far, I've stopped four times, settled several arguments, cleaned up spilled yogurt and melted silly putty. 130 miles down, 570 to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 015

You deserved it 12 674

By [...] - 12/12/2013 14:28 - France - Vaulx-en-velin

Today, while waiting in the queue at a supermarket checkout, my three-year-old daughter yells out, "Mom! Mom! Is that a man or a lady in front?" Embarrassed, I reply, "Honey, can't you see that it's a... it's a... a..." FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 944

You deserved it 8 229

By Anonymous - 13/11/2015 18:07 - United States - Dearborn

Today, I got my laptop back after lending it to my friend. It wouldn't boot, and after investigating I found out it'd been stripped of its hard drive and all its memory. When I confronted my "friend", he accused me of lying and trying to ruin his reputation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 394

You deserved it 2 574

When pranking goes too far

By Anonymous - 27/03/2021 20:01

Today, my husband has both arms broken, and I have to help him in the bathroom. Not the problem. My girlfriends and I have been pranking each other lately and it's been fun, but they decided to slip my husband slip him some laxatives so that I would have to clean him him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 961

You deserved it 150

By Frouse - 28/09/2018 22:02

Today, I was on the worst blind date ever, so I tried to secretly request an Uber to get out of there. My date then picked up his phone, receiving my request. Turns out he's an Uber driver and he was looking for a reason to get out of the date too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 959

You deserved it 785

By noneofthesex - 10/02/2009 20:46 - United States

Today, I sent a text to my boyfriend saying 'Come over and do me.' He never responded. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 439

You deserved it 12 126

Keep up!

By AstralLuna - 05/03/2021 08:01 - United States - Sacramento

Today, I, a demigirl struggling with her identity, have decided to change my name. When I told my dad in therapy (of all places) that I was a demigirl, he struggled to understand me. When I told my mom I was changing my name, she yelled at me and refused to call me it. And she wonders why I don't trust her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 578

You deserved it 968

By ww2freak - 14/06/2012 01:17 - United States - Centreville

Today, I found out that if you whistle Christmas carols while shitting in a public bathroom, a little boy might just look under the stall to see if Santa is pooping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 905

You deserved it 27 278

Libido says no

By Anonymous - 16/08/2021 05:01 - United Kingdom - Norwich

Spicy

Today, I discovered my girlfriend of 5 years would rather split up than make any shred of effort to revive her utterly dead libido from the last 2 years. She promised the whole past month to make an effort, before admitting she never gave a shit when my patience with her ran out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 220

You deserved it 451

By Anonymous - 08/06/2019 00:02

Today, I got dressed, did my hair, carefully applied my makeup, sprayed myself with perfume, grabbed my bag and put on my coat. I got to the door, and then realised that I had nowhere to go, nothing to do and none of my friends were answering my calls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 415

You deserved it 492

By Naked and Afraid - 17/08/2018 23:00 - United States - New Braunfels

Today, my girlfriend's grandparents walked in on us getting intimate. She immediately ran to the bathroom, leaving me alone with them. They only speak Spanish, which is not my first language. We discussed the movie she and I were "watching", all while I was naked under the sheets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 146

You deserved it 447

By nonnie31 - 25/04/2016 19:17 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I arrived for the two-week scuba diving vacation I spent months saving, planning, and looking forward to. Today, I also developed an ear infection and can't scuba dive for 2 weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 268

You deserved it 913

By Calimero - 26/04/2019 02:00

Today, I forked over a hefty sum to stay the night in a beautiful, luxurious hotel room, because back home I have a baby that doesn't sleep through the night yet. Never would I have imagined I would be staying directly next to the town nightclub. I'm still awake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 640

You deserved it 1 168

By Anonymous - 30/05/2013 15:20 - United Kingdom - Northampton

Spicy

Today, I uttered the phrase "the pot calling the kettle black" in class. Moments later, I'd been called a "racist twerp" and kicked out of class by the same English teacher who once tried to have another kid suspended for using the word "titillate", because apparently it's "pornographic". FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 908

You deserved it 4 344

By mayhemily - 21/09/2015 16:22 - Canada - Aurora

Today, I passed out in my kitchen and was woken up by my dog. Not because she was worried about me, but because my body was blocking her food dish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 419

You deserved it 2 958

By dmlk - 10/12/2008 11:09 - France

Today, and for the third time this week, my bank manager called me to tell me that my account is still overdrawn. He doesn't seem to understand that my wages always get paid at the end of the month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 964

You deserved it 5 102

By Redhead - 22/08/2018 06:00

Spicy

Today, I decided to get in the cowgirl position since it's my fiancé's favorite. I got a little carried away during the "ride" and suddenly heard his dick crack. I fractured his penis. He's never going to have sex with me again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 419

You deserved it 877

By metalflower01 - 11/01/2012 16:31 - United States

Today, I had to cancel my wedding. On top of being upset about the break up, I was informed I owed a $900 cancellation fee for not using the venue. Single and broke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 112

You deserved it 4 030

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Thursday 26 May 2011 18:59

lmfao that's messed up

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Thursday 26 May 2011 19:00

Time to start cooking your own meals!

Comments

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Thursday 26 May 2011 18:58

damn xD

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Thursday 26 May 2011 18:59

lmfao that's messed up

sexysterlingarch 1

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Thursday 26 May 2011 19:02

omg wow that is totally wrong..

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Thursday 26 May 2011 19:19

hmm, wouldn't you be able to realize it earlier?

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Thursday 26 May 2011 19:22

That sounds delicious :) you're so lucky!

khaya 9

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Thursday 26 May 2011 19:42

At least she isn't only giving you oil and butter. Unless you're into that.

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Thursday 26 May 2011 20:07

Did you ever wonder why your steak was always being deep fried in butter? You should start slipping laxatives in her food and say u just wanted her to be skinnier.

sexysterlingarch 1

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Thursday 26 May 2011 20:16

53.. I had to start a new account because my other one got permanently banned lol.. and I'm trying to put my old pic up but I gotta find it..

Captain_Obvious2_fml 6

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Thursday 26 May 2011 21:21

you mean lhfao

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Thursday 26 May 2011 21:28

the only reason why she wants you to be fatter then her is because she is jealous of you, which makes no sense but that tension and feeling is jealousy. I don't understand why some mothers are jealous of their children....

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Thursday 26 May 2011 21:58

I like your picture. =]

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Thursday 26 May 2011 22:06

wtf snow whites step mother much.

OMGIFOUNDWALDO 6

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Thursday 26 May 2011 22:34

well my father frequently punches me in the nuts to prevent me from being more manly than him, so i ttly feel ur pain OP

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Thursday 26 May 2011 23:37

That can cause a lot of problems and is abusive...

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Friday 27 May 2011 0:06

where's your brother hansel?

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Friday 27 May 2011 0:19

sucks to suck

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Friday 27 May 2011 0:19

sucks to suck

OceanBreathesSal 5

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Friday 27 May 2011 0:38

98 it's more like hansel and gretel. haha nice try though(:

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Friday 27 May 2011 1:32

139, Well, I wasn't referring to the physical side of it if that's what you mean, rather metaphorically reffering to the desire to be more beautiful and 'thin' than ones offspring as inhibited by OP's mother, which I found strikingly resembled the desire held by the evil step-mother in Snow white, known to be a a bitch for hating her daughter for stealing her beauty and basking in the limelight.

lunaXXdennice 0

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Friday 27 May 2011 1:55

81- you are so right I f-ing hate it when parents are like that it makes me mad because the kid didn't do anything wrong but be her/himself and the parent just hates the child because of that it's f-ing messed up...

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Friday 27 May 2011 2:50

haha now thats what I'm saying!

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Friday 27 May 2011 2:51

in mother Russia, mother eats you.

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Friday 27 May 2011 3:03

OP common it's 21st century , obv everything is possible, and yes even a mother who wants bad things 4 her kids -.-

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Friday 27 May 2011 4:16

162 - The joke usually involves the former Soviet Union, and is stated at the beggining of the joke, if you want to call it that, because it's not even funny... IDK, I'm bitter right now.

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Friday 27 May 2011 5:34

Well my dad slips steroids in my food just so he can Bragg about me. How haven't I noticed?....shut up

woosah 16

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Friday 27 May 2011 7:03

snow white eh?

DoubleEdgedBlade 4

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Friday 27 May 2011 18:11

Soviet Russia jokes aren't funny anymore.

primadonna9396 16

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Thursday 2 June 2011 4:48

I always thought Russian Inversions were funny, but generation Y ruined them like they fucking ruined everything else. Correct: In America, you can always find a party. In Soviet Russia, the Party finds you. Incorrect: IN SOVIET RUSIA CAR DRIVES YOU LOLOL

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Wednesday 21 September 2011 2:25

I absolutely agree. What has the world come to...?

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Thursday 26 May 2011 18:59

That sux Third

Thursday 26 May 2011 18:59

Niiiice

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Thursday 26 May 2011 19:13

that's when you run away.

khaya 9

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Thursday 26 May 2011 19:58

I imagine she has gotten quite slow, running might also lead to heart failure in her current condition.

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Thursday 26 May 2011 20:02

that's horrible... my momma does cause she loves me

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Thursday 26 May 2011 20:15

Yes, run away because your mom probably intends to cook and eat you after you get fat.

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Thursday 26 May 2011 20:19

its easier to run..... oh wait not when uhave a car!

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Thursday 26 May 2011 21:30

his name is Hansel

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Thursday 26 May 2011 21:38

his brothers name is Grettle.

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Thursday 26 May 2011 22:30

Grettel was the sister not the brother. Sheesh

HyundaiOwner7 0

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Thursday 26 May 2011 22:32

Sounds made up.

HyundaiOwner7 0

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Thursday 26 May 2011 22:34

I wasn't referring to the FML being made up btw

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Saturday 28 May 2011 23:03

how did this comment get blocked??

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Thursday 26 May 2011 19:00

Time to start cooking your own meals!

whiteboy7thst 2

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Thursday 26 May 2011 19:59

Or look into adoption

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Thursday 26 May 2011 20:57

adoption sounds much more reasonable.

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Thursday 26 May 2011 23:20

she's fattening you up so you can be cooked with butter

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Friday 27 May 2011 2:32

and is she your mother or is she the wicked witch of the west... just saying

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Saturday 4 June 2011 9:37

Yup!!

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Thursday 26 May 2011 19:01

big guys need love too

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Thursday 26 May 2011 21:06

Except OP is female.

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Friday 27 May 2011 0:42

she's saying that the op will be fat and have to date a big guy. (or a black man)

shocking_silence 0

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Friday 27 May 2011 1:38

lmfao! the black man comment is perfect hahahah!! oh gawd C':

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Friday 27 May 2011 4:09

Yeah, I'm skinny but love big girls :)

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Friday 27 May 2011 4:13

it's not being shallow.Attraction is attraction we can't help it, quit flaming tubby lumpkins

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Friday 27 May 2011 6:47

Not all big girls are ugly. P.S. I married a gorgeous skinny man ;-)

eftup 9

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Friday 27 May 2011 12:03

moron

ThePeanutLord 0

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Friday 27 May 2011 12:16

But you are one. Seriously. You don't think men date fat girls? My brother used to be one of the best runners in the country in his age group (as in top 3), yet he dates a chubby girl. And they love each other.You make it sound like fat girls never get laid. To quote Forrest Gump's most famous line ever: Well they do.

maloriewatson 3

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Friday 27 May 2011 16:20

racist..

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Thursday 26 May 2011 19:01

wtf

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Thursday 26 May 2011 23:25

yeah, it doesn't make any sense •_o

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Thursday 26 May 2011 19:02

She's jealous.

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Thursday 26 May 2011 19:03

Oh really now?

mollyjynxjax 28

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Thursday 30 May 2013 15:26

No shit Sherlock!

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Thursday 26 May 2011 19:03

I'm sorry, but WTF is wrong with that woman? O_O

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Thursday 26 May 2011 19:04

Well she lost her turkey during thanksgiving and you were the likely replacement. just wait till she starts basting you in butter and trying to stuff stuffing up your ass

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Thursday 26 May 2011 23:34

lmao stuffing

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Saturday 28 May 2011 6:04

LMAO dude, great comment

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15

You deserved it 5

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my daughter finally learned that you can’t sleep your way to success, after she tried and failed to seduce her married boss, was sacked, and blacklisted as a potential lawsuit throughout every company specialising in her chosen career field. FML

I agree, your life sucks 476

You deserved it 140

Today, I was diagnosed with a meat allergy. You can imagine the jokes my boyfriend has been thinking up since we found out I can’t "handle his meat" in my mouth anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 764

You deserved it 111