Today, I found out my boyfriends' mother has invented a new kind...

By Jumja - 15/1/2010 11:37 - Netherlands

Today, I found out my boyfriends' mother has invented a new kind of cake and named it after me: not because it's delicious, but because of the amount of fat in it. FML

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Love

Rock, hard place

The student becomes the master

Trust

By oped01 - 18/10/2016 00:15 - United States - Cape Coral

Today, in a department store, a woman with a parrot sitting on her shoulder was trying to return a coffee maker. She explained that she had to return the coffee maker because the bird didn't like it sitting on the kitchen counter. FML

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By anonymous - 14/12/2010 11:52 - United States

Today, I went to feed my neighbor's cat while he was out of town. The cat was sick, so part of my job was to give it a pill each time I came. Cats don't like swallowing pills. My neighbor forgot to mention that his cat wasn't declawed. I was wearing shorts. FML

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By HoobidibooFox - 13/11/2014 22:26 - United Kingdom - Coseley

Today, I found out the one good thing about having fat rolls: when someone walks in on you sitting on the toilet, they hide your private parts. FML

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By littlemisstiny - 29/8/2009 08:48 - Ireland

Today, I swapped seats with someone on a ferry so she could sit next to her friend. Minutes later, a child sitting behind me threw up on my head, while the girl I had swapped with and her friend laughed hysterically as I attempted to wipe the puke from my hair. FML

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By Lonely - 24/7/2011 17:02 - United States

Today, I went out for coffee with my sister and my crush. I spent the majority of the date flirting with my crush, and when he dropped us off at home, I told him I had fun on our date. He looked at me surprised and said he'd thought I'd tagged along on his date with my sister. FML

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By HappyGirl - 28/10/2008 15:57 - France

Today, my little brother, who is 11, explained to me how babies are made. I’m 15. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/12/2011 16:30 - Sweden

Today, I saw a girl on the subway that I knew so I started waving frantically. She gave me a really weird expression and moved quickly away from me. Then I realised that I only knew her because I had stalked her Facebook once. FML

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By me - 7/9/2011 23:53 - United States

Today, I missed my bus, so I walked home in the rain from school, only to realize my mom had been following me the whole time in the car, laughing her ass off. FML

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By Cuppycake - 4/5/2011 05:33 - Canada

Today, I went on a first date with a guy. He parked his truck and reached in his door side pocket and grabbed a little black zippered bag. Seeing this, I burst out laughing saying, "Wow, what's that, your change purse?" He replied, "No, I'm diabetic, this is my blood sugar monitor." FML

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By rissalynn - 15/7/2019 02:00

Today, my boyfriend's mother called me lazy. Her days consist of sitting on her couch watching Fox News. I'm a college athlete who also has a part-time job, yet I'm the lazy one. FML

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By majorlyturnedoff - 21/8/2012 03:02 - United States

Today, after his second week of babysitting, my boyfriend has begun the disturbing habit of saying, "Ready or not, here I come!" every time he's about to orgasm. He doesn't see why this doesn't appeal to me. FML

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By bitches. - 15/6/2009 00:39 - United States

Today, I was walking by a bunch of pretty girls. I'm not the most attractive boy, so I walked by nervously. I heard one yell "Hey cutie!" I turned to look, and they started laughing. She said "Oh my god, sorry! I assumed you were cute from your butt!" Apparently, my ass is nicer than my face. FML

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By alyssac11 - 25/5/2010 04:55 - United States

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend has a YouTube channel devoted to taking the camera out whenever he has to fart. FML

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By SFBEL - 21/5/2015 03:56 - Belgium - Leuven

Today, after being a resident DJ at a local club for over 4 years, I got fired. Not because I'm bad at what I do, but because my boss thinks I'm not 'having fun like the other DJs'. And by 'having fun' he means that I don't drink enough. I got fired for not being an alcoholic. FML

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By - 27/2/2020 18:00

Not really a good idea

Today, I decide to let my boyfriend introduce food into our sex life, then a few days after we used melted chocolate I got a UTI. I’ve never had a UTI before in my life so I’m blaming him for the fact it feels like I’m peeing needles dipped in acid. FML

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By Charlayyyy - 16/12/2010 02:30

Today, in art class, we made plaster masks. We were supposed to put Vaseline on our partner's face so the plaster didn't rip their facial hair out. My partner forgot to put it on my eye brows and eye lashes. My face is now completely hairless. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2013 18:10 - United States

Today, I witnessed a large woman pee on a pregnancy test in the middle of a Walmart parking lot, clean herself off, then wander around with the test hanging out of her mouth, waiting for her result. Where in the name of Christ do these people come from? FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2009 19:49 - United States

Today, I was showing my new iPhone case to my friends, saying how it was scratchproof, shockproof, and waterproof. I demonstrated it by dropping it on the sidewalk from about 5 feet. It bounced onto the road. Apparently, its not truck-proof. FML

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By gunnar - 20/9/2018 17:30

Today, my family and I went to Olive Garden. Due to my autism, I sometimes have a nervous tic, which presented itself while I was looking at the menu. I would have appreciated it if my mom hadn't then screamed at me to stop in front of the entire restaurant. FML

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By highlydisgusted - 16/10/2013 03:10 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I went on a first date. He left me standing at a bus stop while he took a dump in some bushes. FML

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By aproudmom - 16/12/2019 20:00 - United States - Glen Head

Nerf bullets

Today, after work I came home to find my sons trying to use my tampons as nerf bullets. FML

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By Anon - 25/8/2015 10:10 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I took a phone call in the bathroom, since the rest of the house was too noisy. I sat down on the toilet and waited while they put me on hold. After a while, I must have forgotten the lid was down and my pants were still on, because I started peeing myself. FML

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By SpiderMan - 12/3/2009 00:23 - United States

Today, I was masturbating into a sock when I felt something on my cock. I quickly ripped the sock off and threw it on the floor... and watched a huge spider come scurrying out. I just inadvertently fucked a spider. FML

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By whotouchedyou1 - 26/8/2014 02:37 - United States - Cypress

Today, while my teacher was demonstrating how to use the ultrasound equipment, we all figured out that I'm pregnant. FML

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By Matti - 17/8/2018 22:00

Today, as I sat on the toilet, I heard a noise outside. I peered through the window and found myself staring directly at my neighbor. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2011 02:39 - Reserved

Today, I was knocked into a wall by a high-pressure water cannon suddenly kicking in. I was only going to the corner store to buy some chocolate. Probably serves me right for not noticing a small riot due to a thumping hangover. FML

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By Habit - 19/10/2011 22:42 - United Kingdom

Today, I learned that the only reason most of my students come to my lectures is that they have a running bet on how many times I say "OK" in two hours. It was 137 last week. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2015 02:38

Today, my ex texted me after more than a year of no communication. He wanted to know if I was interested in having a threesome with him and his current fiancée. FML

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By :( - 2/3/2016 14:13 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I had a Chinese test. Our teacher decided to wait until yesterday to tell us about it because she "knew" we wouldn't study anyway and she didn't want to stress us out. I'm pretty sure I failed. FML

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By klutz44 - 16/4/2015 18:36 - United States - Winnetka

Today, I took my 2 year old to the potty in a public restroom. I was just about to set her on the toilet when the automatic flush went off, scaring her and causing her to pee all over both of us. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/5/2015 16:06 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my girlfriend surprised me with what was allegedly a birthday "cake". It was so horribly deformed, I wasn't sure whether to eat it or wear it as a hat. I had to pretend it didn't taste like play-doh, and ended up throwing it up in the toilet. Happy birthday to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2015 04:09 - United States - Redlands

Today, it was my birthday. It was also the only day my family wanted to hold the graveside funeral for my grandmother who passed last week. FML

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By Preggobride - 14/8/2018 23:35

Today, I am 7 weeks pregnant and dealing with severe morning sickness. Not to worry though, it should get better at 14 weeks, right after I get back from my honeymoon. FML

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By marriedtoaretard - 19/2/2012 22:45 - United States

Today, I came home from out of state. I found out someone online had told my husband that the "fumes" from hot showers can be lethal. As a precaution, he removed the draft-blocking bathroom door to make sure it's "properly ventilated." FML

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2012 20:38 - Netherlands

Today, I had to take my husband to the hospital. He and his friends got the bright idea of recording a re-enactment of a scene from Fight Club for a YouTube video. It ended as soon as my husband caught a fist to the gut and started violently puking all over our basement floor. FML

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By brittgreen - 11/8/2011 20:56 - United States

Today, I was supposed to catch a ride with a friend and go to Warped Tour with her. She called at the last minute to say she was sick, so I told her we didn't have to go. I just got a text saying she just got pictures and autographs with the band I especially wanted to see. FML

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By nowhereman1990 - 3/8/2010 04:23 - Venezuela

Today, I heard on a local radio a song I wrote almost 2 years ago. Apparently, after my family and I moved away, my former band found a new guitar player, and that song is now the first single of their debut LP. FML

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By enjoy - 13/10/2008 08:30

Today, I lost my cell phone. But found it again! And then dropped it in the toilet. FML

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By Miller_Time - 18/3/2009 18:45 - United States

Today, I woke up at three in the morning when two cops busted in the door to my apartment and a frantic voice on my cellphone saying "Sir? Sir? Are you all right? Sir?" Turns out I had been having a nightmare and dreamed I called 911. I actually did. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/8/2016 08:26 - United States - Wasilla

Today, I was woken up by my dad screaming that the ship was sinking. I started freaking out before I realized that I was sleeping on my couch at home and was not in fact on a ship. FML

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Top comments

By mshelburn324 | 0

#776502 - Friday 15 January 2010 20:09

I don't see the problem. Whether you're fat or not, cake is AWESOME!!! You should feel special to be named after the best food of all time.

By SHAAAAAARK | 1

#776501 - Friday 15 January 2010 20:09

REMEMBER, the cake is a lie.

Comments

By jpgray1982 | 0

#776487 - Friday 15 January 2010 20:04

haha. cake

cucuto89 | 0

#776733 - Friday 15 January 2010 22:38

Obviously a sign you need to spend more time where you belong, at the oven cooking food

dont_stop_believ | 0

#1001777 - Saturday 22 May 2010 4:24

omgggg your bfs mom is auch a beeeotchh but seriously I agree with nimber one. all Icould think was:
haha. your a cake. lol

osirisfrost | 0

#1264145 - Wednesday 18 August 2010 19:03

... as opposed to eating it

By sara_3536 | 0

#776488 - Friday 15 January 2010 20:05

hahaha loll it sucks to be u :p

By mizzkitty | 0

#776493 - Friday 15 January 2010 20:07

By Shikamaru_fml | 11

#776495 - Friday 15 January 2010 20:08

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Poilo_fml | 0

#2274146 - Friday 1 April 2011 0:32

Win ^^^

RainbowMaster88 | 5

#4486629 - Sunday 27 May 2012 5:19

You're such a jerk. Don't be so mean. What if she has diabetes?

By GeorgeBoosh | 0

#776497 - Friday 15 January 2010 20:08

You need to cook a sickly sweet ugly dessert and name it after her.

breadfuck | 0

#2348841 - Thursday 14 April 2011 17:27

By SHAAAAAARK | 1

#776501 - Friday 15 January 2010 20:09

REMEMBER, the cake is a lie.

BangOut | 2

#776619 - Friday 15 January 2010 21:19

THE CAKE IS A LIE!

By mshelburn324 | 0

#776502 - Friday 15 January 2010 20:09

I don't see the problem. Whether you're fat or not, cake is AWESOME!!! You should feel special to be named after the best food of all time.

By jts2 | 3

#776503 - Friday 15 January 2010 20:10

Mmm.. cake!~

By sweatnut | 0

#776508 - Friday 15 January 2010 20:12

so, she's thinks your fat, prove her wrong and go on a diet.

Lawlipop | 3

#777678 - Saturday 16 January 2010 10:34

Wouldn't going on a diet, therefore admitting that you yourself believe you need to lose weight, would in fact prove OP's boyfriend's mother correct?

ThatWasPathetic | 0

#777706 - Saturday 16 January 2010 11:12

Although this may be true, it's better to stop being fat, than be fat and have pride regarding such fatness.

OP is fat.

Konarika | 11

#6722236 - Tuesday 13 December 2016 15:50

And you should learn some grammar. If you don't, I don't see why OP should go on a diet, either.

By Miki_xx | 0

#776523 - Friday 15 January 2010 20:18

ouch =S