Today, I found out my boyfriends' mother has invented a new kind...

By Jumja - 15/1/2010 11:37 - Netherlands

Today, I found out my boyfriends' mother has invented a new kind of cake and named it after me: not because it's delicious, but because of the amount of fat in it. FML

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Love

Dangling modifier

Workaholic

Lockdown is driving us down

By Char - 24/9/2017 19:00 - United Kingdom - Gravesend

Today, whilst at work, I had a woman come in with a problem with the seat in her car not moving backwards or forwards. There was a dildo stuck in the chair rail. FML

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By Sad_Happy_Gorl - 14/6/2019 16:00

Today, after getting together with the guy who I like, and who actually likes me back, he finally kissed me. Unfortunately, he kisses like he’s trying to suck out my soul. FML

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By rani - 2/2/2013 22:34 - Norway - Oslo

Today, I came home in a really good mood, and I greeted my husband with a grin and a "Hi, babe!" He just muttered, "Why can't you just DIE?" and continued playing his video game. FML

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By sarahcurtis213 - 13/11/2012 07:36 - United States

Today, I was at the library using a computer to order a package. A man sat down next to me mumbling to himself while staring at me. As I got up to go to the printer, he pointed at me and screamed, "I will burn you alive and enjoy it!" All of my info including my address was still on the computer screen. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2011 15:38 - United States

Today, my parents found my stash of alcohol. They drank it all within a single evening. FML

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By loveloves154 - 30/3/2018 15:00

Today, our toilet overflowed during the night. Over 50 gallons worth leaked through the floor and the ceiling to the room below. I am now covered in poop water. What a way to start the day. FML

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By Birthday Surprise - 26/5/2014 21:18 - United States - Fayetteville

Today, my parents thought it would be a great surprise to accidentally shoot me in the leg for my birthday. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2013 05:40 - United States - Brandon

Wrong sort of poking

Today, my boyfriend got out of the shower and tried to hit my forehead with his penis. He slipped and slapped me in the eye with it. FML

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By TheNaturalOrderofThingsSucks - 11/9/2012 03:13 - United States - Seattle

Today, after pouring my heart out to a beautiful girl on Facebook, and having her return the favor, she typed a final message that read, "That was my friend. Please f*ck off now. Thanks." FML

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By a - 6/12/2012 06:15 - United States - Clarksville

Today, as my friend was rudely rummaging through my phone, she saw a picture of the pottery I've painted her for Christmas. Not only did she see it, but she also declared it ugly. That's probably the present I'm the most proud of this Christmas. FML

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By o.v. - 16/5/2011 16:04 - Bangladesh

Today, the pipe in the dining room sink suddenly broke open and in about 15 minutes my entire apartment was turned into an indoor swimming pool. The worst part? I was there the entire time, playing video games with my headphones on. FML

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By Detroitman125 - 10/11/2018 03:00

Today, my parents told me that they think I've gone off the deep end. I don't drink or take drugs. What did I do? I got McDonald's a couple times after school. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/3/2013 00:34 - United States

Today, my psycho abstinence-only sex ed teacher claimed condoms give 50% protection at most against pregnancy. I couldn't help but correct her. She apologized for her "mistake", saying, "It's just that we're not ALL sluts, Kara." Now everyone thinks I'm a raging whore. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2012 16:14 - United States - Clarksburg

Today, while on the bus, I took out my breath spray. The elderly lady beside me thought it was pepper spray. She panicked and started screaming, which culminated in the man near her punching me in the jaw. FML

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By Therapy needed urgently - 8/4/2018 19:00

Kinky.

Today, after I got fed up and told my bullying step-brother exactly what I thought of him, he became overly polite. He then admitted that me shouting at him was the most turned on he's ever been in his life. Now he loves me and wants to be my "submissive" boyfriend. FML

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By nicoleee - 29/3/2012 20:16 - United States

Today, I was talking about phobias and anxiety disorders in psychology class. I nearly had a panic attack because I was worried that someone might realize I suffer from them. FML

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By FlipYoC - 16/9/2009 06:15 - United States

Today, my mom was criticizing how I can't handle taking care of any living thing because I'm too irresponsible. We had a huge argument so I went back to my apartment, only to find that my fish had died. I forgot I had a fish. FML

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By lextoast - 26/7/2015 18:15 - Rwanda

Today, I went on a fabulous date with a really cute, smart, funny guy. He only mentioned his dad, so when I asked about his mom, I asked if they were divorced. She'd died of breast cancer so I felt awful. Then I asked if his dad had ever remarried. His stepmom had died of cancer too. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/2/2016 17:04 - United States - Athena

Today, the car across the street has been broken into so many times that my parrot has started to mimic its car alarm. FML

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By oops... - 19/6/2009 04:23 - United States

Today, as a frog biologist I was out in the field searching for a relatively rare frog species. After three hours I finally heard the frog call and I crept closer and closer to the sound until... squish... I stepped on the very frog I was trying to collect. They're endangered. FML

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By Screwed - 22/4/2009 17:46 - United States

Today, I brought a cute guy back from the bar to have sex. He was drunk, so he had trouble getting it up, and I said jokingly "you need to work on that". We fell asleep, and I woke up the next morning to him gone and a note that said "you need to work on not farting in your sleep". FML

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By prisym - 30/8/2017 13:00

Today, I found the $3,200 engagement ring I dropped in my yard. I ran over it with my lawnmower. FML

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By yper - 27/10/2009 16:43 - United Kingdom

Today, I bought a nice new dress for a work party. But when I went in, a coworker hurried me into the bathroom saying, "Don't worry we can fix this." She thought someone had been sick on me. Thanks. That was just the pattern of the dress. FML

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By driving me crazy - 26/5/2017 16:00

Zzzzzzzzz

Today, I had to temporarily relocate to my brother's room after mine was being repainted. Not only do I have to sleep on the floor, but I also have to put up with my brother and dog both snoring loudly. What's worse is that they alternate in snoring. Goodbye sleep. FML

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By Katie - 13/12/2012 18:00 - United States

Today, my best friend told me about a vicious rumor that's going around, saying I contracted a horrible STD. I asked her if she told everyone it was a lie. She said no, because the rumor is apparently "way too funny to ruin." Maybe it's time for new friends. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2013 11:39

Today, I was telling my friends a story. I added a few "embellishments" to make it more intense. One my friends piped up with, "I was with you, half of what you just said wasn't true". It's now all over Facebook and I'm known as "The Bullshitter". FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2015 07:06 - Australia - Subiaco

Today, I was complimented on my improved performance over the last 3 months. My boss said he doesn't know what I've done to improve, but to keep it up. I'd only started looking for another job, and stopped giving a shit. FML

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By mommiedearest - 24/12/2015 16:06 - United States - Columbia

Today, I found a disturbing video on my 8-year-old's tablet. In the video, I was suffering from sleep paralysis. He's convinced I'm part demon. FML

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By Renée - 25/8/2018 03:30

Today, I found out that my husband lied a few nights ago and was actually drinking with another woman at her house till after midnight. This woman is his best friend’s ex-fiancée, and she's been hitting on my husband for as long as I can remember. FML

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By justawallflower - 30/11/2014 02:06 - United States - Elyria

Today, my mom told me that her vagina is "as cute today as it was twenty years ago." FML

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By Anonymous - 29/8/2009 04:10 - United States

Today, I was taking a shower outside at my fiancé's beach house. I was struggling to take my bikini bottoms off so I started to walk backwards to step out of it. Little did I know that I had pushed the door open. My fiancé, his family, and my family all saw me bend over naked. FML

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By katta2009 - 29/8/2010 11:29 - United States

Today, my grandmother died. No one called me to let me know she passed. I found out because people kept writing RIP on her Facebook wall. My siblings and I weren't even mentioned in her obituary with the other grandchildren, but they did remember to mention her dog. FML

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By Festivaler - 13/7/2013 07:14 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, I was at a music festival, and my mum had told me not to to drink. Someone threw a cup of beer at me, and I was worried about smelling of alcohol. It's okay though, because a second cup of urine took the alcohol smell right away. FML

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By jennlikewhoa - 18/7/2011 10:07 - United States

Today, I got robbed at the gas station I work at. After only getting $38 dollars out the register, the guy then steals my purse. It had my rent money in it. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2011 08:17 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend forgot to tell me about the all-night bender he went out on, and what he got up to with my best friend. But its okay; the Facebook pictures say it all. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2009 07:23 - Australia

Today, I was doing a study on homeless people and how they manage to stay alive on the streets. Turns out the one I was studying today was given more money than I make in a week. FML

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By mlove - 6/9/2010 08:35 - United States

Today, my future mother-in-law finally admitted that I'm "not the girl for her son" and that she will do anything to break us up. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/2/2010 02:20 - United States

Today, I noticed my house smells a lot like my grandma's. Not because we use the same cleaning products or anything like that, but because I'm slowly turning into a crazy cat lady. FML

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By Teacher - 16/12/2015 09:10 - New Zealand - Rotorua

Today, I went for a soak in a mineral hot pool to relax after a stressful day teaching middle school. There were 120 middle schoolers there on a school trip. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2010 05:17 - United States

Today, my custom printed Christmas cards that I reviewed twice before ordering, came in the mail. This year I will be wishing everyone a "wondeful" holiday season. I'm an elementary school teacher. FML

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Top comments

By mshelburn324 | 0

#776502 - Friday 15 January 2010 20:09

I don't see the problem. Whether you're fat or not, cake is AWESOME!!! You should feel special to be named after the best food of all time.

By SHAAAAAARK | 1

#776501 - Friday 15 January 2010 20:09

REMEMBER, the cake is a lie.

COMMENTS

By jpgray1982 | 0

#776487 - Friday 15 January 2010 20:04

haha. cake

cucuto89 | 0

#776733 - Friday 15 January 2010 22:38

Obviously a sign you need to spend more time where you belong, at the oven cooking food

dont_stop_believ | 0

#1001777 - Saturday 22 May 2010 4:24

omgggg your bfs mom is auch a beeeotchh but seriously I agree with nimber one. all Icould think was:
haha. your a cake. lol

osirisfrost | 0

#1264145 - Wednesday 18 August 2010 19:03

... as opposed to eating it

By sara_3536 | 0

#776488 - Friday 15 January 2010 20:05

hahaha loll it sucks to be u :p

By mizzkitty | 0

#776493 - Friday 15 January 2010 20:07

By Shikamaru_fml | 11

#776495 - Friday 15 January 2010 20:08

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Poilo_fml | 0

#2274146 - Friday 1 April 2011 0:32

Win ^^^

RainbowMaster88 | 5

#4486629 - Sunday 27 May 2012 5:19

You're such a jerk. Don't be so mean. What if she has diabetes?

By GeorgeBoosh | 0

#776497 - Friday 15 January 2010 20:08

You need to cook a sickly sweet ugly dessert and name it after her.

breadfuck | 0

#2348841 - Thursday 14 April 2011 17:27

By SHAAAAAARK | 1

#776501 - Friday 15 January 2010 20:09

REMEMBER, the cake is a lie.

BangOut | 2

#776619 - Friday 15 January 2010 21:19

THE CAKE IS A LIE!

By mshelburn324 | 0

#776502 - Friday 15 January 2010 20:09

I don't see the problem. Whether you're fat or not, cake is AWESOME!!! You should feel special to be named after the best food of all time.

By jts2 | 3

#776503 - Friday 15 January 2010 20:10

Mmm.. cake!~

By sweatnut | 0

#776508 - Friday 15 January 2010 20:12

so, she's thinks your fat, prove her wrong and go on a diet.

Lawlipop | 3

#777678 - Saturday 16 January 2010 10:34

Wouldn't going on a diet, therefore admitting that you yourself believe you need to lose weight, would in fact prove OP's boyfriend's mother correct?

ThatWasPathetic | 0

#777706 - Saturday 16 January 2010 11:12

Although this may be true, it's better to stop being fat, than be fat and have pride regarding such fatness.

OP is fat.

Konarika | 11

#6722236 - Tuesday 13 December 2016 15:50

And you should learn some grammar. If you don't, I don't see why OP should go on a diet, either.

By Miki_xx | 0

#776523 - Friday 15 January 2010 20:18

ouch =S