Today, I decided to snack on some MandM's. I saw my dog sniffing... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to snack on some MandM's. I saw my dog sniffing something and realized one of my MandM's had fallen on the floor. To prevent my dog from eating the chocolate, I hurriedly snatched the MandM off the ground and ate it. When I bit down, I realized it wasn't an MandM. It was a dead beetle. FML

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Social distancing done right

Cake is everything

Fake News

By crazystuff23 - United States

Today, I saw the following message on my Facebook News Feed: "Morning Sex: [My mom] and [My dad] are fans. Click here to Join" FML

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By Mike - United States

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend for the first time, and she asked me if I ever get made fun of in the locker room for my small penis. FML

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By SeagullsShouldDie - United States

Today, was my uncle's funeral. He was cremated, and his wish was to have his ashes spread into the sea. As we were waiting for the waves to come and take him away, a group of seagulls came by picking at all his ashes. I guess he tasted good. FML

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By LogicalMolly - United States

Today, it's the last day of finals week. Unfortunately the only test I've passed this week is the pregnancy test I took during my lunch break in a Subway bathroom. FML

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By cperagui

Today, we did icebreakers at a summer program. I'm really awkward but I got paired with a really nice guy. I noticed his right hand was very soft, so I joked, "Do you only moisturize one hand?" Then I understood. Then he understood that I understood. We're partners all week. FML

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By for the love of god - United States

Today, my 55 year-old mother faked a pregnancy because she was jealous of all the attention I've been getting since I had my twin boys. FML

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By higgles15 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I got a bikini wax. They said it wouldn't hurt too badly, and that it would just sting. My friend heard me screaming from all the way down the hall in the waiting room. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was brutally run over by a man in a wheelchair. FML

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By college student - United States - Oxford

Today, I woke up with a vicious hangover. It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't woken up to dozens of cans strewn all over the floor. I don't remember buying half the store's supply of pork and beans. FML

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By Eternal_Babyface - United States

Today, I was talking to a friend and bemoaning the fact that my new coworkers keep mixing up my gender. She looked at me critically and said, "Yeah, until you can grow a decent beard, people are going to keep thinking you're an intern or a butch lesbian." FML

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By ilovepancakes - United States - Rolling Meadows

Today, after talking to the man whose car I scratched, we agreed that the damages and cost of repair were so low and instead of me paying I just buy him coffee. When I showed up he saw me, decided I was too ugly to have coffee with, and instead demanded full payment in cash. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I finally got to surprise my boyfriend with a birthday cake. I spent four days planning the perfect one. First thing he says? "Erm, you know I'm 32, right?" I got his age wrong. FML

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By stalker - United States

Today, I had a restraining order put on me. I have apparently been following a woman's daughter home after she leaves track practice and parking my car outside their home. I'm a math teacher at the school and leave everyday at 4:30. I have lived across the street for the past six years. FML

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By Katie - United States

The Bathtub Incident

Today, my little sister took a dump in our bath tub right before we were leaving for soccer practice. When my mom found it, she blamed it on me, then made me pick it up with my bare hands. FML

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By CP19JK12KH - United States

Today, I had a rare phone call from my ex-girlfriend. We ended up talking for hours about old times. It was the best conversation we have had in forever, it made me miss her and miss us. Later on in the day, she called back asking what we talked about. She was too high too remember. FML

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By BERNDTOAST - United States - Dearborn

Today, I fell asleep in class... And woke up hour later. My teacher let me sit there till I woke up to see what my face would be like waking up to a new class. FML

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By Neutered - United States - Anchorage

Today, I was enjoying a nice bath, when one of my cats jumped up on the rim and started purring. I thought it was sweet, until my other cat ran in and body-slammed the first into the tub with me. Being a conscientious cat owner, I hadn't de-clawed them. FML

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By Tajjali Fatima - 13/9/2020 22:58

The X Factor

Today, I was singing in a terrible voice on purpose during a Zoom call from school, thinking I was on mute. I carried on, until a message saying, "The host has muted you" appeared on my screen. FML

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By moorox45 - United States

Today, I put on a pair of sneakers that I'd left outside, and went jogging. After several minutes of pain, I pulled off one of the sneakers, only to find dozens of baby spiders had moved in. FML

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By Are you f*cking kidding me - United States - Denver

Today, I was on my bike. As I'm rolling through an intersection, some asshat in a pickup runs the red light and hits me. Instead of getting out and helping me, the guy hops out, takes a look at me lying in the street, steals my hat and drives off. That was my favorite hat. FML

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By Travolta - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a party. I tried dancing in public for the first time ever. Judging by the whispers, stares and giggles, I'm never doing it again. FML

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By jake - United States

Today, I accidentally shaved part of my eyebrow. It now looks like I'm trying to raise one without moving the other. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, at lunch, I told a bunch of people how I had been in love with this guy since freshman year. I made a bunch of jokes about how I was going to marry him and our kids would be so attractive. He was at the table next to mine and looked back at me as soon as I finished. FML

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By TaddM21 - United States - Salem

Today, I dragged my grill outside in the freezing cold to cook a steak for New Year's day. I left my spatula in the garage, and I set the still-wrapped steak on the grill. I was only gone 45 seconds, but that was long enough for my cat to open the wrapper and run off with my steak in his jaws. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I thought I saw a snake while I was watering. I got my son to check it out and he agreed too. I was nervous so I called animal control, and they said it would cost $50 just for them to come out, I agreed. It ends up I paid $50 for them to pick up an old diamond weave farmer's hat. FML

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By Oraashi - United Kingdom - Stoke-on-trent

Today, I confessed my feelings to the girl I've been in love with for three years. Her response was to well up, start crying, and ask me why I had to have chosen her. FML

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By ShittyKeys - United States

Today, I dropped my keys in the toilet. While in the kitchen looking for something to fish them out with, I heard a door slam. My sister had to use the bathroom and didn’t see my keys in the toilet before sitting down. Lucky me, I caught her just as she was about to flush. FML

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By blowinchunks - Canada

Today, I found a mealworm in my cornflakes. I had already finished most of the bowl. I didn't make it to the toilet to throw up. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was taking a bath and out of boredom started making sheep noises. I then had a conversation with myself in farm animal noises. When I got out of the bath, I walked to my bedroom in my towel, passing the living room... where my little brother's soccer team burst out laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, I found out how it feels to have a car door slammed shut on my hand, breaking two of my fingers. Hint: it's fucking painful. FML

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By Username - France

Today, I had the rehearsal for two of my friends' wedding. My ex-husband is also in the wedding, and I just found out we have to walk down the aisle together 'for height reasons'. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned that no matter how much you assume that the crunchy bits in a bag of crisps are in fact crisps, you will occasionally find that your assumptions are wrong. Beetles just don't have the same appeal. FML

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By yuck

Today, I found out that what I thought was my brother gasping and groaning in his dreams most nights is actually him jacking off. FML

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By - France

Today, I'm still in love with my ex boyfriend who is going out with someone else. But at least I now know that he's gay. FML

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By smyp - Lithuania

Today, I was going down the elevator in my dorm and a friend joined on another floor. He then thought it was a good time to tell me that he slept with my girlfriend when the elevator got stuck. Worst 40 minutes of my life. FML

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By peoplesuck - United States

Today, I stayed up all night to study for my anatomy final at 9 a.m. I studied outside the testing room in the hall all night. Apparently I feel asleep with my headphones as my friend woke me up after walking out of the test asking how I did. 300 classmates walked by and no one woke me up. FML

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By signinept - United States

Today, I got really annoyed waiting for a bus that was supposed to come every 10 minutes. After a few minutes of waiting, I realized the "bus stop" was really a no parking sign. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned that dirty talk does NOT get me off. My boyfriend and I were having sex and I said "I'm going to come" during the beginning of my orgasm. My orgasm immediately stopped right after I said that. I turned myself off. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to play a joke on my boyfriend and planned to pretend that I found a thong in his gym bag. When he came home, I "confronted" him. After struggling through putting on my best face, he, unexpectedly confessed: "Look, babe, I'm sorry. It meant nothing." FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2020 19:58

Be prepared

Today, I'm in Ibiza. My period came early and had nothing but face masks to use as sanitary towels. Then, the closest thing to period knickers I could find was in a souvenir shop, which on the arse reads, "What happens in Ibiza belongs in Ibiza." FML

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Top comments

By MKC_fml | 0

#115622 - Thursday 16 April 2009 9:41

snatching it off the floor so your dog doesn't eat it....good.
Popping it in your mouth before looking at it....not so good.

By betsymonty | 0

#115679 - Thursday 16 April 2009 10:05

And the worst part? A dog wouldn't get sick from a single M&M.

COMMENTS

By tateno | 0

#115615 - Thursday 16 April 2009 9:39

yes! first comment! hahaha thats funny as hell!

Reply

mrjakesuba | 0

#971959 - Wednesday 31 March 2010 15:27

I hope you spat it out.

Reply

isaiaha11 | 2

#1096253 - Friday 16 July 2010 4:06

did u find the one that dropped?

By MKC_fml | 0

#115622 - Thursday 16 April 2009 9:41

snatching it off the floor so your dog doesn't eat it....good.
Popping it in your mouth before looking at it....not so good.

Reply

Doogy700 | 5

#4538604 - Friday 8 June 2012 3:51

Agreed.

Reply

OBTrice | 15

#6003603 - Thursday 10 July 2014 5:03

Just one question what the f*** is a MandM

By AnimeJet | 0

#115625 - Thursday 16 April 2009 9:42

equally YDI and FYL.

This might be the tightest one in terms of voting yet, haha.

Reply

2queen18 | 2

#2709339 - Saturday 18 June 2011 17:27

whats ydi????

Reply

xxJustTxx | 0

#2902236 - Saturday 16 July 2011 1:17

ydi for taking a dogs tiny treat away it sounds quite greedy

Reply

SystemofaBlink41 | 27

#4738541 - Friday 27 July 2012 7:03

165- you do know chocolate's poisounous, right?

Reply

kianaaa32 | 17

#5457587 - Saturday 20 April 2013 22:16

You do know that only dark chocolate is poisonous right? And only if consumed in a great amount, my dogs have gotten into plenty of chocolates in their life time and are still alive, even dark chocolate.

Reply

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#5736539 - Thursday 31 October 2013 14:09

176 just because it hasn't killed them yet doesn't meant it won't. you don't give chocolate to a dog.

By jdb2009 | 0

#115626 - Thursday 16 April 2009 9:42

Goddamn idiot.

By dang_fml | 0

#115638 - Thursday 16 April 2009 9:46

lmao thats so gross! i agree with #2

By AK | 2

#115646 - Thursday 16 April 2009 9:49

#2 stole the words out of my mouth. You're a complete idiot.

By jSOPURE | 3

#115647 - Thursday 16 April 2009 9:49

Taste any good?

=X

By renthead88 | 0

#115649 - Thursday 16 April 2009 9:50

fail.

By Wonka_fml | 0

#115651 - Thursday 16 April 2009 9:50

Were you the one that dropped a pill on the floor, picked it up and took the pill. Then found out the next day that the pill you were suppose to take was still on the floor? You took something else?

People don't look at what they eat anymore?

By J_a_s_m_i_n_e | 0

#115652 - Thursday 16 April 2009 9:50

Hahaha, tasty.