Health: Today, I decided to snack on some MandM's. I saw my dog sniffing... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to snack on some MandM's. I saw my dog sniffing something and realized one of my MandM's had fallen on the floor. To prevent my dog from eating the chocolate, I hurriedly snatched the MandM off the ground and ate it. When I bit down, I realized it wasn't an MandM. It was a dead beetle. FML

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Season finale

Walk on the wild side

Late bloomer

By Anonymous - 27/10/2020 08:58 - United States

Ties that bind

Today, I offered to give my ex a ride home from work. He and I ended on good terms years ago, we just aren't compatible with each other. I dropped him off and not ten seconds later, he came back out looking sick. His fiancee was inside having sex with MY new boyfriend. FML

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By Bad Dad - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I caught my 15-year-old son trying to roll catnip into a joint and smoke it. FML

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By Carlos Cervantes_1981647997

Today, like any other day, I look just like Kim Jung-un. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Watford

Today, let's just say it's not always a good idea to storm into your mum's bedroom after hearing several loud slaps accompanied by yelps. What sounds like domestic violence might just be your mum and step-dad's foreplay. For Christ's sake, I need brain bleach. FML

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By Erin - 2/1/2021 20:01

Warming it up

Today, I bought an expensive blanket to help warm up for the winter. Right after I put it on the bed, my dog jumped up and peed on it. FML

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By Anonymous - Finland

Today, I found out that my mom had read my diary because she was worried. She now knows details about my depression, details about my sex life, such as how I lost my virginity, to whom (I don't have a boyfriend), and what condition I was in at the time (drunk as a duck). She also showed my dad. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, after an hour of crying over a guy I like, I put on some Adele and sang along. My mom quickly took notice and came to give me advice, which was to "get over it" because he doesn't want me, and that "masturbation beats relationships hands down." Gee, thanks mom. FML

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By TabbyCat87 - United States - Lamar

Today, my mom informed me she got married two weeks ago. Hard to congratulate her when this is her eighth husband. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/4/2020 17:00

Nutters Inc.

Today, I bumped into a lady, apologised and tried to continue on. She screamed assault and tried to citizen's arrest me. I've got better things to do, so I ignored her but she latched onto my leg like a toddler. I ended up dragging this insane woman up the street until she finally let go. FML

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By Aisu - United States

Today, my mother called me a bad son for not telling her "Happy Mother's Day". When I told her Mother's Day wasn't until the 10th, she said that I would have forgotten anyway. FML

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By KillMeNow - United States

Today, Twilight once again won all the awards at MTV, beating out Inception, Toy Story 3, Harry Potter, etc. This is MY generation. FML

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By kiwi2323 - United States

Today, my intoxicated husband asked my very conservative parents how their sex life is now that all the kids are out of the house. FML

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By ElixirRose - United States

Today, I killed a centipede. Now every little itch I feel, I think it's the centipede's spirit coming back to haunt me. FML

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By awkwardparents - United States - Burlingame

Today, my girlfriend's parents took pictures of my tattoos to make sure I'm "not affiliated with any gangs." I have never even been arrested. FML

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By pootythe5th - United States

Today, I was at my favorite Mexican restaurant when I realized my really cute waiter, along with his buddies kept looking at me and smiling. Trying to be cool, I took a bite of my burrito, choked, and spilled ground beef down my new shirt and in my bra. They laughed the whole time. FML

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By >.> - Canada - Chestermere

Today, my dad decided to clean his muddy shoes right beside me by clapping them together, causing mud to fly all over me. This wouldn't have been a problem had I not been wearing my white wedding dress just before getting married. FML

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By Lady Bloodshart of the Redwater - United States - Arlington

Today, while at a restaurant, my date shat himself. He spent the entire meal pretending nothing had happened. FML

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By sandwichsex - United States

Today, me and my boyfriend were fooling around on my bed when things started to get heated. I said to him, "Do what ever you want". He got up and said he'd be right back. I thought he went to get a condom. He came back with a sandwich. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a woman got out of a car to scream at me as I was walking with the kids I babysit, demanding to know where I was taking her children. Apparently the woman who pays me is also a babysitter, who I have been "covering" for on her party nights. The mother doesn't believe I didn't know this. FML

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By fryebaby623 - United States - Vero Beach

Today, I was so tired when I got home from work, I took off my bra without removing my shirt which I've done so often it is second nature. I successfully removed the bra, then snagged the clasp on a loose shirt thread, causing my bra to take on a life of its own and slap me in the face. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, we got a new dry-erase board, and I drew the Gotham City skyline complete with the Bat Signal. Later, I went downstairs, only to find my mom had written "BATMAN'S GAY" over the top of the picture. FML

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By quietsleeper - United States

Today, my new girlfriend told me I don't snore when I sleep. Which is funny, since during the last year of my marriage, my ex-wife would make me sleep on the couch because my loud snoring kept her up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Grandville

Today, I heard from my dad for the first time in over six months. It was through Facebook, in a message blaming my brothers and me for his horrible life, and in which he spelled my name wrong. FML

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By Randomm

So cute

Today, I was walking into my school and I saw two girls kissing. Being a lesbian myself, and thinking it would be cute, I winked at them. I guess one of them had a history of cheating with a girl who looked just like me, because her girlfriend came up and punched me in the face. FML

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By Swedishsummer - Sweden - Floda

Today, we finally got some signs of summer in Sweden and I went to hang out in the sun with some friends. I was wearing sunglasses so I only put sunscreen on my nose and forehead. I now have a dick-shaped area in my face where I didn't completely burn my face off. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, I realized that I've been a member of eHarmony for almost a year. No one has ever contacted me out of the 134 people I've been "scientifically" matched with. FML

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By allgrowedup - United States

Today, my mom left me at home with a babysitter. I'm 17. FML

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By feelsterrible - United States - Duluth

Today, I was at the mall, when a guy started screaming at his buddy for sleeping with his sister. It was pretty hilarious, so when he stormed off, I mockingly yelled, "Pussy!" He then whirled around and beat the absolute hell out of his friend. Now I feel like I'm going to reincarnate as a turd. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I saw a man dancing to a Britney Spears song in his Volkswagen Beetle. I started laughing hysterically until he got out. He was huge. I was stuck in traffic. FML

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By partypooper - United States

Today, a friend asked me if I could help him set up the stage for his wedding. Feeling honored that he considered me a close enough friend to aid him on his special day, I agreed to help. Turns out we aren't so close. I was asked to leave after I was done because I hadn't actually been invited. FML

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By ywouldudomelikethat - United States - Renton

Today, I found out my ex started a Tumblr where she posts one photo a day. Each photo being a pic I texted her over the course of our relationship. My office, the bars I like to go to, favorite restaurants, my mom's place, my place, my penis, etc. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I celebrated my birthday with my family. As part of my presents, my parents gave me prepaid debit card. When I got home, I looked at it again and realized it's the debit card you get from selling back books to our university bookstore. I bought my own books this year. They gave me my own refund. FML

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By Anonymous

Driven

Today, I drove 3 hours to get to a class, just to have the professor leave a note on the classroom door saying that she wasn't coming. FML

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By Moimoi78 - Australia - Eatons Hill

What? It's just helpful advice because we know better.

Today, I introduced the concept of 'mansplaining' to my husband. Ever since, he's been deliberately mansplaining every single thing to me. All. The. Time. FML

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By tallesttree54

Today my boyfriend proposed to me and I gladly accepted. The first words out of his mouth after getting off his knees were, "I own you now!" FML

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By eww657 - United Kingdom

Today, it's the first evening that my husband and I will have without the kids in 8 months. We had been looking forward to it for ages, and my husband had even bought me some lovely new lingerie for the occasion. Guess what? I just got diarrhea. FML

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By MrTandy - United States

Today, I was working when I delivered the standard "Hello, how are you?" to a customer. He took the opportunity to tell me about his deceased wife, his estranged children, and his anal tearing. After a while, I tried to help someone else, and he complained to my manager. I was written up. FML

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By NotHappyJan

Today, I thought I'd take advantage of the lovely weather and sunbake topless in my grandmother's back yard. My grandma went up the street to do some shopping and didn’t tell me that men were coming to mow the lawn. I was laying on my back. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dewitt

Today, my 4 year old son groped my breasts and said, "This is what daddy told me to do." FML

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By Googlebug - United States

Today, my dad, who lives hours away, called and told me he was getting married. Today. As in this evening. Guess I'm not invited. FML

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Top comments

By MKC_fml | 0

#115622 - Thursday 16 April 2009 9:41

snatching it off the floor so your dog doesn't eat it....good.
Popping it in your mouth before looking at it....not so good.

By betsymonty | 0

#115679 - Thursday 16 April 2009 10:05

And the worst part? A dog wouldn't get sick from a single M&M.

COMMENTS

By tateno | 0

#115615 - Thursday 16 April 2009 9:39

yes! first comment! hahaha thats funny as hell!

Reply

mrjakesuba | 0

#971959 - Wednesday 31 March 2010 15:27

I hope you spat it out.

Reply

isaiaha11 | 2

#1096253 - Friday 16 July 2010 4:06

did u find the one that dropped?

By MKC_fml | 0

#115622 - Thursday 16 April 2009 9:41

snatching it off the floor so your dog doesn't eat it....good.
Popping it in your mouth before looking at it....not so good.

Reply

Doogy700 | 5

#4538604 - Friday 8 June 2012 3:51

Agreed.

Reply

OBTrice | 15

#6003603 - Thursday 10 July 2014 5:03

Just one question what the f*** is a MandM

By AnimeJet | 0

#115625 - Thursday 16 April 2009 9:42

equally YDI and FYL.

This might be the tightest one in terms of voting yet, haha.

Reply

2queen18 | 2

#2709339 - Saturday 18 June 2011 17:27

whats ydi????

Reply

xxJustTxx | 0

#2902236 - Saturday 16 July 2011 1:17

ydi for taking a dogs tiny treat away it sounds quite greedy

Reply

SystemofaBlink41 | 27

#4738541 - Friday 27 July 2012 7:03

165- you do know chocolate's poisounous, right?

Reply

kianaaa32 | 17

#5457587 - Saturday 20 April 2013 22:16

You do know that only dark chocolate is poisonous right? And only if consumed in a great amount, my dogs have gotten into plenty of chocolates in their life time and are still alive, even dark chocolate.

Reply

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#5736539 - Thursday 31 October 2013 14:09

176 just because it hasn't killed them yet doesn't meant it won't. you don't give chocolate to a dog.

By jdb2009 | 0

#115626 - Thursday 16 April 2009 9:42

Goddamn idiot.

By dang_fml | 0

#115638 - Thursday 16 April 2009 9:46

lmao thats so gross! i agree with #2

By AK | 2

#115646 - Thursday 16 April 2009 9:49

#2 stole the words out of my mouth. You're a complete idiot.

By jSOPURE | 3

#115647 - Thursday 16 April 2009 9:49

Taste any good?

=X

By renthead88 | 0

#115649 - Thursday 16 April 2009 9:50

fail.

By Wonka_fml | 0

#115651 - Thursday 16 April 2009 9:50

Were you the one that dropped a pill on the floor, picked it up and took the pill. Then found out the next day that the pill you were suppose to take was still on the floor? You took something else?

People don't look at what they eat anymore?

By J_a_s_m_i_n_e | 0

#115652 - Thursday 16 April 2009 9:50

Hahaha, tasty.