Today, I had dinner with the girl I thought I would end up marrying.... - FML

By Anonymous - 16/4/2009 00:13 - United States

Today, I had dinner with the girl I thought I would end up marrying. Everything was going well and after I had paid the bill, she said she was a lesbian. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, she challenged me to see who could hook up with a straight girl first. I lost. FML

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Age ain't nothing but a number

DINOSAURS!!

Vultures

By Anonymous - 5/8/2009 05:25 - United States

Today, a friend and I drove all the way from Texas to a small town in Colorado to spend an entire uninterrupted night together. Not only did he forget to bring condoms but everything was closed by the time we got into town. We ended up playing cards on the bed instead. FML

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By duhitskelly94 - 24/5/2009 14:48 - United States

Today, I drove 150 miles to see one of my favorite singers in concert. Before I got out of the car I checked to make sure I had the tickets. Did I have the tickets? Yes. Were they for today's concert? Nope. FML

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By poopiter - 27/7/2013 18:31 - United States - Grand Junction

Today, I finished off the last of the BBQ chips in the house. When my 6-year-old sister found out about it, she started screaming, then pulled down her pants and peed on the kitchen floor. My parents, after witnessing the whole thing, bitched me out for upsetting her. FML

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By Bob smith - 19/12/2011 20:57 - Australia

Today, it was my first day working as a nightclub bartender. All through the evening, a really creepy bloke stood in a dark corner and leered at the girls on the dance floor. When I took the bouncer to one side to let him know, he told me the man was a coat stand. FML

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By Renna303 - 18/9/2017 20:00

Today, I dropped my 6-month-old $3,500 guitar. Luckily, it had a one year warranty from the store so I drove back. It was shut down. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/2/2011 03:28 - Canada

Today, I went to the doctor thinking I had breast cancer. Turns out, I have a third boob. FML

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By mommy - 23/6/2019 02:27

Today, I’ve been violently ill with diarrhea, and have been for past three days. I finally discovered why. It's because I ate a piece of candy off the recently-cleaned floor last week. My immune system is so weak, it can’t respect the 5-second rule. FML

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By allennn - 14/3/2010 14:56 - France

Today, I went to a party, and the girl I really like started telling me how much she likes me and how she thought we would be good together. I was so drunk I threw up on her. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/3/2010 19:34 - United States

Today, I was in a movie when my boyfriend sent out a mass text saying that he'd just lost his virginity. FML

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By - 22/1/2017 18:00

Today, I quit smoking cigarettes. While driving to work, the car in front of me flicked his out the window, flying straight into mine. It set the bottom of my seat on fire. FML

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By Bob - 13/12/2017 05:00 - United States - Fairbanks

Today, a judge gave my ex custody of my two sons, most of my money, my house, my car, and has ordered me to take anger management classes. We're getting a divorce because she shot me with a gun. FML

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By poohead - 9/12/2009 05:07 - Australia

Today, I was cleaning out my new guinea pig cage for the first time because one of them had babies last night. After using a spatula to shovel up the 3 inch layer of crap and placenta, I decided to hose it down. The hose came on so hard, it sprayed the dung and birth water all over my face. FML

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By badessaymyass - 17/4/2014 19:59 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I had my teacher look over my essay before turning it in. He said it was extremely well-written, so I handed it in. When I got it back, the feedback he left said it was one of the worst essays he'd ever read. FML

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By Fuckmylife - 19/12/2018 22:00 - Canada - Port Colborne

Today, thanks to a side effect from my medication I'm suffering the longest mild panic attack I've ever had. I'm on day 2 and it shows no sign of letting up. FML

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By dumped - 17/4/2011 21:12 - South Africa

Today, I got a postcard from my boyfriend who is on vacation in the Caribbean. He's breaking up with me. FML

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By Our Talisman - 1/8/2010 19:41 - France

Today, I was at a red light when the guy next to me gave me that look people give when they want a street race. I won, but I should've seen the word "Sheriff" written on the side of his car. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/9/2009 16:33 - United States

Today, at Six flags, friends and I were going to ride "Superman". People lose their phones on it easily, so I asked a friend who decided not to ride to put mine in her bag. When it ended, I learned she went and asked an employee in navy to hold onto it, but couldn't find him. Employees wear yellow. FML

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By mildlyconcussed - 10/8/2015 08:32 - Italy - Somma Vesuviana

Today, I went to a gig. The drummer threw his drumsticks out at the end and I managed to catch one. With my face. Not only did I get a black eye, but the person next to me snatched the drumstick from my hands. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/6/2016 14:28 - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I was rubbing my dog's belly. My wife came in and thought I was jerking him off. She wouldn't believe my explanation. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/3/2011 03:09 - United States

Today, while at the bakery section of my local supermarket, I heard the beat of what I assumed was a song playing. I really got into it, and bobbed my head and danced a little. After getting some strange looks, I realized the "beat" was a machine mixing frosting. FML

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By isuckatlife - 22/2/2009 03:16 - United States

Today, while changing my tampon in the stall of my high school's bathroom, I lost control of the plastic applicator. The blood-covered apparatus shot out like a rocket underneath the stall door. For a moment I thought no one noticed, then the screaming began. FML

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By Jan - 27/2/2013 04:50 - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, a German guy came into the place where I work. Eager to use the German that I'd learned from my immigrant mother and her family, I started a conversation. Things were going well until the term I grew up thinking meant "Africa" turned out to be racist, translating as "Ape Land." FML

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By cannabis_this420 - 17/3/2009 01:42 - United States

Today, my mother called me and told me that she went to the hospital. This wasn't a surprise 'cos she normally goes to the hospital for the smallest things. So, I was a smart ass and asked, "What now? You finally have lung cancer from all those cigarettes?" Apparently, she does. FML

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By anonymous - 6/6/2016 16:51 - United States - Phoenix

Today, like every other day for the past two weeks, the strange cat that has adopted me inexplicably made its way into my house and curled up next to my head while I slept. I'm horribly allergic. FML

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By wow @ creepy fuckers - 17/11/2012 01:06 - United States

Today, yet again, my boss whined to me like a baby over being "friend-zoned" by his secretary. Not only does he basically stalk her and make her eat lunch with him every day, she's a lesbian in a committed relationship. He suspended me after I lost it and told him to see a fucking therapist. FML

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By feeldumb - 11/6/2009 04:33 - United States

Today, I got into an argument with a 7 year old. He said that Obama was the 44th President, I said he was the 42nd. Guess who was right. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/3/2013 23:22 - United States

Today, I invited my girlfriend to go eat out, hoping to put her in a really romantic mood. She decided to tell her friend, who then invited herself and another couple along. I ended up being made fifth wheel, and had to sit alone at an adjacent table. FML

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By anonymous - 17/5/2011 17:34 - United States

Today, I won the lottery. My ex-girlfriend has the ticket. I just broke up with her. FML

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By Detroitman125 - 30/10/2018 17:30

Today, my name was left off of the program at our band concert. I would have been fine with this if it wasn't the third time in a row that this has happened. Yes, I did show them each time. FML

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By DrunkenMum - 20/7/2019 12:00

Today, I’m on holiday with my mum. She got so pissed, she fell over on the dance floor at the children’s disco, then had to rely on a stranger to keep her upright so I could go get the car to take her home. FML

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By fannylover - 18/2/2010 20:12 - United States

Today, I finished my classwork and my homework early. Since we weren't allowed to leave the room, I decided to draw. My teacher noticed and gave me detention for "goofing off" when I should be doing my work. When I told the teacher I was already done, they gave me a second detention for "attempting to defy them". FML

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By smellsfunnyinfrance - 21/8/2016 16:43 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to ask my sister if she'd shit her pants because the smell of poop was following us around Paris. I don't know what's worse, the fact that I had to ask an eighteen-year-old, or that she said yes and didn't do anything. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2014 19:02 - Canada - Markham

Today, I went to the store to buy a phone I saw last week. I looked around a little first, then continued to the electronics section. I couldn't find the phone I saw, so I went to leave. Halfway to the exit, I was detained by security and grilled for ages over my "suspicious behaviour". FML

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By Nazi-chef - 24/2/2017 04:00 - United States - Tucson

No mash for you!

Today, I was making mashed potatoes in a hurry, I had the pot boiling on high when I had to rush to the bathroom. As I'm walking away, I ask my boyfriend to watch the potatoes. When I returned, they were no longer boiling and he proudly announced he added cold water because they looked a little dry. What? FML

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By that guy - 18/11/2014 00:19

Today, I failed my driving test before even leaving the DMV parking lot. FML

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By fuauntflo - 7/7/2020 17:01

Thanks, I'm cured!

Today, I went to the ER because of an intensely heavy flow. They kept me waiting so long that, although I was wearing a super absorbent tampon and a pad, I still bled through three times. When I was finally seen, the doctor said, "Try using a higher absorbency and follow up with your regular physician." FML

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By missseloit3 - 9/12/2017 01:30

Et tu, Brute?

Today I caught my husband cheating on me in our bed with my 19-year-old brother. FML

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By Radioo - 18/1/2010 09:00 - United States

Today, my rabbit died. He died a painful death from ingesting too much carpet. I now have no rabbit and a patchy carpet. FML

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By beenawhile - 20/9/2019 04:03 - United States - Boston

Fair point

Today, my 17 year-old brother asked me if I used birth control. When I told him I did, he responded, "Isn't that like using an inhalor when you don't have asthma?" FML

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By sonofanut - 22/2/2012 03:14 - United States

Today, I found out my mom has been stealing from me to pay for Scientology courses. FML

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Top comments

By alien_bow | 0

#115620 - Thursday 16 April 2009 9:41

Shouldn't assume you're going to get married like that, since your tone seems to indicate this was your first date. However, it's really wrong of the girl to just play you like that, and then adding insult to injury...FYL.

By imagineyesterday | 0

#115629 - Thursday 16 April 2009 9:44

#1, what, like there's some infallible way to distinguish homosexual folks from everyone else? :P

Comments

By dspadres | 0

#115617 - Thursday 16 April 2009 9:40

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By alien_bow | 0

#115620 - Thursday 16 April 2009 9:41

Shouldn't assume you're going to get married like that, since your tone seems to indicate this was your first date. However, it's really wrong of the girl to just play you like that, and then adding insult to injury...FYL.

Reply

loganberrybat | 11

#5512495 - Wednesday 29 May 2013 21:47

Who said the girl played him? He shouldn't have assumed she was straight

Reply

R3TROxLOV3 | 32

#5856935 - Thursday 13 February 2014 12:32

She shouldn't have agreed to a date with him without full disclosure. Telling a guy that asks you on a date that you're gay Before you agree is common decency.

By blacklagoon_fml | 0

#115628 - Thursday 16 April 2009 9:43

Nice, my type of woman. Hah

By imagineyesterday | 0

#115629 - Thursday 16 April 2009 9:44

#1, what, like there's some infallible way to distinguish homosexual folks from everyone else? :P

Reply

Ha1r1nY0S0up | 15

#2707429 - Saturday 18 June 2011 7:21

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By uglymoose89 | 0

#115665 - Thursday 16 April 2009 9:54

to be honest don't you think you rushed to the conclusion that "you were gonna marry this girl"?

By heyhoid | 0

#115669 - Thursday 16 April 2009 9:56

The thing with "I thought I would end up marrying" was probably only there for dramatic effect. I hope..

By Endymion_fml | 0

#115670 - Thursday 16 April 2009 9:56

That bitch used you. Do something to get even!

Reply

xXxIracebethxXx | 14

#5171528 - Wednesday 21 November 2012 18:07

Yeah! Hook up with a straight girl! That'll teach her!

By jonesey | 0

#115672 - Thursday 16 April 2009 9:57

This is a friend for life. Think of the adventures to be had. She'll take care of your drunk ass... unless a bi-curious woman walks in. Then you're on your own.

By jkilla6 | 0

#115678 - Thursday 16 April 2009 10:04

maybe she'll share??

By Ikura | 4

#115686 - Thursday 16 April 2009 10:12

uh... the girl she hooked up with is obviously not straight.
anything bi-curious and up is not straight