Miscellaneous: Today, instead of reaching for some unhealthy food, I tried to... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 99

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 509

You deserved it 138

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 213

You deserved it 1 752

10/02/2016 18:36

Today, instead of reaching for some unhealthy food, I tried to eat some dates instead. It was all fine until I bit one in half and saw a rather large, squirming maggot inside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 249

You deserved it 1 975

And today, on Dr Phil…

Mind your own beeswax, Amanda

Thanks, government

02/05/2009 08:12

Today, my 6 year old daughter asked me, "what would happen to me if you and daddy died?". I told her that she'd probably live with her Uncle Ant and Aunt Ilene. She looked at me and said "You guys can die. I won't cry. I get everything I want over there." FML

I agree, your life sucks 102 090

You deserved it 9 965

20/06/2019 12:41

Today, just a day prior to my vacation starting, I learned that my five-day "seasonal fever" is actually due to a blood infection from a bacteria. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 684

You deserved it 101

28/04/2011 11:07

Today, I once again told my son he needed a job and a girlfriend because I simply could not keep him in my house anymore. He yelled, "No, I can do whatever I want!" Then went back to playing video games. He's 38. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 298

You deserved it 46 210

26/10/2010 20:34

Today, I went to the dentist. I had to get a tooth removed. In the middle of the procedure, the power went out. I had to sit there for an hour to wait for it to come back on. The anesthetic wore off before he started working on me again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 346

You deserved it 2 693

22/01/2013 07:20

Today, my mother insisted I dress very smartly in suit attire for my first job interview at a hippy-style retail store. My interviewer wore a poncho. I didn't get the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 091

You deserved it 7 021

25/07/2019 00:01

Today, I finally got to see the results of the new timesheet I made to make things simpler for both the employees and the managers. Apparently, 75% of them don't know how to read. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 396

You deserved it 171

22/09/2014 10:58

Today, I learned that even though a woman has a baby carriage and seems friendly, she won't be afraid to mug you in front of her kid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 736

You deserved it 3 445

29/06/2013 21:49

Today, I overheard my dad telling my mum that the only way I'm ever going to get into a relationship is if I "pose as a woman and con some gullible bastard online." He's probably right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 536

You deserved it 4 962

Ouch, ouch, ouch

By Teh_Moo_fml - 13/03/2021 00:30

Today, I learned that you can actually sprain your groin for real. It hurts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 770

You deserved it 101

11/08/2014 02:22

Today, I saw a customer at the restaurant I work at lovingly petting his cheeseburger and whispering sweet promises to it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 030

You deserved it 3 706

Uh... Okay?

By Champion sucker - 11/08/2018 06:00

Spicy

Today, I was going out with my boyfriend after recently coming out. On my way out the door, my dad looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Suck that dick like a champ tonight, son." FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 847

You deserved it 1 761

07/02/2016 19:03

Today, I was asked to prove that I was Chinese by translating the phrase, "Ching chong ming chang ho". I'm not even Chinese. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 861

You deserved it 1 855

09/11/2011 04:06

Today, I got yelled at by my boss for being insensitive to a customer. I'd told her I never heard of the requested item even existing. She walked off shouting, screaming and throwing stuff from the shelf. She wanted to order a bird feeder with heated perches so the bird's feet won't get cold. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 772

You deserved it 2 713

22/11/2010 06:26

Today, I came through a DUI checkpoint. The trooper noticed some donuts I had. He asked, "Are those donuts?" Jokingly, I replied, "Yes. Why? Are you going to confiscate them?" He didn't see the humor and pulled me off to the side to have a team search my truck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 253

You deserved it 29 033

21/12/2010 05:43

Today, one of my usually unpleasant managers offered me a slice of cheese cake for doing a good job. I declined, but after some pestering on his part I finally accepted it. I have been violently ill for the past 2 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 590

You deserved it 3 858

21/12/2012 17:24

Spicy

Today, I was listening to a local radio station, and they did a segment called "food porn." As they were sexually describing various types of food, I actually found myself getting turned on over a pizza. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 814

You deserved it 10 022

03/04/2013 16:57

Today, I was buying condoms at Walmart. I grabbed the XL size, and the cashier commented, "Ahh, you'll definitely need a smaller size." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 700

You deserved it 15 582

07/10/2015 13:45

Today, I told one of my classmates for the third time that I'm not into guys and wasn't interested in going on a date with him. He just looked at me blankly and said "So I'll pick you up at 9?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 258

You deserved it 2 172

25/05/2014 16:09

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time over dinner. I had to use the bathroom part way through, and ended up taking the foulest dump of my life. I cracked open a window on my way out, but my boyfriend's dad went in soon after, quickly retching and booming "What the fuck?!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 671

You deserved it 7 856

12/10/2009 14:52

Today, my "future" wife got drunk in front of my parents, who she was meeting for the first time. She called my dad a piece of shit and told my mom she wants to tear her own eyes out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 600

You deserved it 5 663

20/09/2014 02:27

Spicy

Today, I went on Facebook, only to see my grandpa had posted "feeling horny" with my grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 857

You deserved it 4 002

17/11/2013 21:59

Today, I was at a diner with friends when we decided to put our phones in the middle of the table on the basis that whoever looks at theirs first has to pay. It was going well, until someone rushed up behind me, slammed my face into the table and ran out with our 4 phones. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 786

You deserved it 5 825

01/07/2009 12:28

Today, I logged on to MSN for the first time in a month. In under 10 minutes, I found out that my little sister had changed my screen name to Jake the Weiner, told my friend that he should "suck my d***" and sent an email to all my contacts declaring my love for my best friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 877

You deserved it 6 484

15/06/2017 16:00

Today, my boss selected me to be the company representative at an important meeting in Portland with one of our biggest clients. I was thrilled, until I realized he hadn't said anything about my plane ticket or hotel reservation. He later told me that I'll need to acquire those things myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 883

You deserved it 237

Venus in Furs

By Anonymous - 18/09/2019 16:00

Today, my boyfriend asked my dad why he gave me the nickname "Bear," which he has called me since I was very little. My dad responded, "Because she has a hairy back." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 511

You deserved it 129

29/12/2012 08:25

Today, at the hospital I work at, I had to deliver my best friend's baby. I later found out that my ex boyfriend was the father. Normally this wouldn't faze me, but it did because we broke up last month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 660

You deserved it 3 100

Boundaries, dude!

By JoeBidenIsMyFIL - 02/03/2020 18:00

Today, I had to physically restrain my girlfriend from assaulting my father after he drunkenly poked her in the ribs for the fifth time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 427

You deserved it 329

05/10/2010 21:01

Today, I saw a spider crawling on my new roommate's cheek, so I told her to stand still so that I could flick it off. Several long seconds of flicking made me realize that it wasn't a spider at all. I had been flicking her hairy mole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 658

You deserved it 34 725

16/10/2011 07:15

Today, while reading over my sent application email to a job I have been trying to get, I found out my brother had put "Heil Hitler!" as my signature. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 903

You deserved it 5 637

24/07/2015 02:13

Today, over the course of three hours, I was burned by our toaster oven, hit in the head by a fridge door, hit my toes on a chair, clipped my hip on a table edge, and had both the washer and dryer lids slam on the same hand. I'm not sure what hurts more, my body or the shame. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 190

You deserved it 4 294

08/09/2016 12:06

Today, I was working out with the guy I like when he spilled his water bottle. I went to clean up the spill, bashed my face into the weight bar, which broke my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 075

You deserved it 1 401

24/09/2010 04:53

Today, I finally got everything in order to ask out the girl of my dreams. I bought her a gold necklace, engraved with our names, and with the date on the back. Everything was going great until she got sick and had to go home. Now I'm stuck with this necklace with the wrong date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 639

You deserved it 53 202

What are you most angry about?

By Anonymous - 27/02/2021 14:01

Today, my husband got fired from his government-mandated "volunteer" work due to a sexual harassment complaint he filed. He's morbidly obese and still gets more attention in the years we've been together than my whole life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 718

You deserved it 157

06/02/2012 21:52

Today, my girlfriend openly mocked me, calling me an idiot for thinking seahorses are real. She insists that they're like unicorns, and only exist in fiction. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 300

You deserved it 4 718

14/11/2009 06:02

Today, I woke up to find that I left my headlights on last night. I found out by the headlights of my car smashed and a post-it note on my windshield saying "you accidentally left your headlights on... I took care of that for you". FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 388

You deserved it 6 432

01/06/2012 04:48

Today, I was playing an online game in nothing but my boxers, when suddenly a girl joined my team. I immediately felt embarrassed and put some pants on. There were no webcams involved. I need to get out more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 808

You deserved it 14 187

17/06/2016 18:03

Today, I woke up to something crawling on my leg. Thinking it might be a spider, I jumped out frantically to check. The good news: it's not a spider. The bad news: it's a bedbug. My apartment was just treated for them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 807

You deserved it 1 412

05/03/2009 15:10

Today, I had my quarterly review with my supervisor at the warehouse I work at. He told me I was doing great and we discussed my raise. After I left his office, his supervisor told me I was being fired for my attendance. The last time I missed work was to attend a funeral. Five months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 224

You deserved it 2 310

03/12/2013 17:28

Today, while giving speech in class, I choked on my own spit and had a coughing fit while everyone stared at me intently. When I finally regained my composure, my teacher told me my time was up and to sit down. I hadn't even got finished the first paragraph. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 853

You deserved it 4 198

20/06/2009 03:17

Today, I went to a restaurant and only brought $14 with me to eat. I ordered and ate my meal, then went to the counter to pay for it. I threw $2 into the tip jar then got my bill. My bill was $13.86. I had to reach into the tip jar and take my $2 back so I could pay for my meal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 270

You deserved it 55 939

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Top comments

L_1781 18

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Thursday 11 February 2016 0:34

'Out of DATE' get it? Cause they're dates... I am so sorry ;-;

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Thursday 11 February 2016 0:35

*Cleveland voice* Oh that's nasty...

Comments

L_1781 18

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Thursday 11 February 2016 0:34

'Out of DATE' get it? Cause they're dates... I am so sorry ;-;

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Thursday 11 February 2016 12:07

Lol. When youre eating dates you should ALWAYS open them first to make sure theres no maggots or bugs inside, sometimes they look like tiny bunched up black seeds or dots, dont eat those!!

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Thursday 11 February 2016 14:20

So they were sitting for that long... Lol

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Thursday 11 February 2016 0:35

*Cleveland voice* Oh that's nasty...

deathstroke990 22

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Thursday 11 February 2016 0:38

this is almost as overused as the "sounds like a shitty situation" pun

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Thursday 11 February 2016 7:29

Still funny

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Thursday 11 February 2016 0:37

I don't know what's worse, eating a date or eating a maggot. FYL

Animeisthebest1 14

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Thursday 11 February 2016 1:29

If the date is sweet it isn't so bad :p

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Thursday 11 February 2016 0:37

As disgusting as that might be, don't let it discourage you from eating healthy foods! I mean, if they're organic, you can't expect never to find an insect once in a great while. That probably doesn't help you, haha.

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Thursday 11 February 2016 4:51

On top of that, processed foods like peanut butter Ann chocolate, all contain a small amount of insect parts. I know it's different when you can actually see it squirming, but still.

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Thursday 11 February 2016 8:19

see now there are no bug parts in unhealthy food. This wouldn't have happened if you stuck to junk and fast food. Bugs won't eat em ;-) hahaha

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Thursday 11 February 2016 9:46

I'm cool with the fact there are little bugs that are hiding in my raspberries, as they seem to just run around after I've rinsed the raspberries. Maggots though... nope.

StormfrontX33_fml 24

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Thursday 11 February 2016 0:37

Both technically are all-natural. Still healthier than most of the junk one can find out there.

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Thursday 11 February 2016 0:38

So the date didn't go well sorry OP

thefmlman2011 35

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Thursday 11 February 2016 3:49

hahahaha

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Thursday 11 February 2016 0:40

At least you didn't find half of a big squirming maggot...

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Thursday 11 February 2016 1:08

Or just tasting a whole maggot.

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Thursday 11 February 2016 0:45

Better than finding half of a maggot!!

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Thursday 11 February 2016 0:46

mmm protein!

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Thursday 11 February 2016 2:45

I don't think maggots are protein, or at least not the time of protein I want in my body

taywuhsaurusrex 19

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Thursday 11 February 2016 3:41

#30, if they aren't protein, what are they? Insects, and their maggots, are a staple in many areas of the world where large animal protein is scarce.

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Thursday 11 February 2016 4:10

Yeah, maggots are actually eaten in many parts of the world. They're fatty and an excellent source for amino acids.

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Thursday 11 February 2016 0:49

that's why I prefer junk food-- cough dates are gross cough