Health: Today, I took a cough drop to soothe my sore throat, only to...

By bitter cherry - 29/09/2010 21:29 - United States

Today, I took a cough drop to soothe my sore throat, only to choke, gag, and spend the next ten minutes at the point of vomiting because the bitter lozenge got stuck in my windpipe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 066

You deserved it 3 722

Health

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Men and their balls

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By Robert - 01/07/2009 09:37 - United States

Today, I got two viruses on my laptop. One was a fake anti-spyware program that cluttered the screen with pop-ups. The other opened the browser repeatedly, each time to a generic porn site. This all conveniently happened at work, on a projector and during a meeting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 587

You deserved it 7 385

By GetMoney - 01/10/2009 01:22 - United States

Today, I realized that 6 months ago I signed up for a 3 day trial for a porn website that turns into a $30 membership after 3 days. I completely forgot the day after and never viewed it. I've spent $180 so far. And I can't remember my password. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 358

You deserved it 66 139

By wendtinmypants - 31/05/2014 15:05 - United States - Omaha

Today, I took out my phone and realized I butt dialed my girlfriend and left her a 4 minute voicemail of me farting in an echoing toilet bowl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 846

You deserved it 9 183

By ej6901 - 23/06/2015 20:00 - United States - Ventnor City

Today, I left my dog in my car for 5 minutes while I ran into a store. The car was running so he was fine, the thing that wasn't so fine is that when I walked out my car wasn't there. My dog somehow moved my car into the middle of a intersection, almost causing an accident. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 763

You deserved it 19 041

By Anonymous - 15/06/2014 19:22 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that my wife has had more sex in the last two months than I have in our last year of marriage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 941

You deserved it 6 359

By AnonCat - 21/01/2013 01:47 - Canada - Vegreville

Today, my kitten tried jumping into a hot oven, a dryer, a dishwasher, a toilet, and a fish-tank. Curiosity is going to kill my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 967

You deserved it 3 653

By lolwut - 15/01/2012 18:17 - United States

Today, I switched from pads to tampons. It took me several botched attempts trying insert one before I succeeded, and now I feel like I've just raped myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 506

You deserved it 13 784

By imbx - 13/04/2009 00:24 - United States

Today, I was at a pool party. My friend's little sister pushed me in the pool. When I got out, I pushed her in. She started screaming, and I started laughing because I thought she was pissed that I pushed her in. That wasn't why she was screaming. She can't swim. Her whole family witnessed it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 593

You deserved it 20 207

By StarDust5921 - 04/10/2016 01:55 - United States - Utica

Today, while working at a bank, I helped a customer who was making a large withdrawal. After I counted out his money, I asked "Do you want the strap on?" After a moment of awkward silence, as I realized how that came out, he smiled and said, "No thanks, I don't need one." and winked. Great. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 794

You deserved it 2 154

By theassman - 11/03/2009 04:42 - United States

Today, my mom walked in on me masturbating. I minimized the porn on my laptop so she wouldn't see I was watching it. It turns out I was watching an old Beatles concert before I started masturbating. My mom thought I was masturbating to the Beatles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 102

You deserved it 80 429

The need to vent

By Anonymous - 28/12/2021 14:02 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I found out that the whole time I was rant-texting to my ex's blocked number, he may possibly have been getting all of them, unless he blocked me back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 168

You deserved it 1 453

Detained

By Sonakshi - 11/09/2020 13:03 - United Kingdom - Cambridge

Today, I forgot to bring a letter to my secondary school, so I went to detention. I told them it got lost, but it's only when my parents phoned and told them the same thing that they believed it. So I got detention for nothing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 144

You deserved it 197

By homersgirl - 30/09/2009 08:28 - United States

Today, after an amazing sex session, my boyfriend rolls over and stares lovingly into my eyes, puts his hand on my cheek caressing it tenderly... and says "Who's a good piggy?" in his best Homer Simpson's voice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 226

You deserved it 5 094

By hello - 11/07/2010 00:57 - Jordan

Today, I was so bored at a family gathering that I pretended to be busy texting the whole time. I don't know what's worse, that I'm not close to anyone in my family, or that I have no one close enough to text to about such things. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 286

You deserved it 8 794

By notsoproudfather - 01/02/2016 15:54 - India - Pune

Today, I walked in on my son's new habit. Sticking his finger up his ass, farting on it, and smelling it. Apparently, the scent is the purest then. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 946

You deserved it 2 294

Go big or go home

By kinwar - 27/09/2021 07:01 - United States - Hamburg

Today, I sneezed and peed myself while working out at the gym. FML

I agree, your life sucks 802

You deserved it 100

By Meg - 13/06/2009 22:46 - United States

Today, I found out the identity of the pervert who's been staring at me through my bedroom window in the late hours of the night. My parents and I decided to set out a trap for 'him' instead of reporting to our local cop. Turns out, we caught my 37 year-old neighbor in the act. He's the cop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 262

You deserved it 2 805

By squizzlebee - 24/02/2017 03:00 - United Kingdom - York

Today, I saw on Facebook that a friend left her job where I also used to work, as she posted a picture of her farewell gifts, including cards, balloons and cookies. Normally, I'd be happy for her, except when I left I was told they'd "stopped doing farewell presents", and as such, I'd got nothing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 443

You deserved it 717

By Anonymous - 06/03/2012 20:41 - United States

Today, my 8 year-old niece corrected my spelling via text message. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 337

You deserved it 36 327

One Shall Stand, One Shall Fall!

By Anonymous - 09/05/2021 05:59

Today, my husband pre-ordered $500 worth of Transformers figures. We're supposed to be trying to save up for a house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 882

You deserved it 123

By Anonymous - 14/07/2019 16:00

Today, I got to wake up to a text from my boyfriend that said, "U got competition." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 980

You deserved it 173

By Alex - 26/03/2009 04:42 - United States

Today, I realized my friends and I should be more careful what we say around my younger brother. I never thought he was paying attention until today. My stepmom told him it was time to go to bed. He responded, "I think it's time for you to suck one." My brother is 4. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 171

You deserved it 76 712

By Peekaboo - 26/08/2011 17:25 - United States

Today, I learned that the "If I can't see you, you can't see me." rule is entirely false. Just because I can't initially see my creepy neighbor, doesn't mean he isn't watching me change my clothes through the blinds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 948

You deserved it 3 865

By Hungry - 27/12/2013 14:01 - United States - Appleton

Today, I got written up at work for clocking back in from lunch early. Yesterday I got a verbal warning for coming back late. I'm scared to go to lunch at all now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 822

You deserved it 4 665

By faza4327 - 06/04/2011 07:43 - Australia

Today, I was on my way home on my bike when a lady in a 4WD cut me off while beeping her horn and calling me a "stupid f**ker who should get a proper education." In her car, she was smoking, and her three children weren't wearing seat belts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 408

You deserved it 3 529

The joys of pregnancy

By Anonymous - 26/11/2021 15:59 - United States - Wausau

Today, while 9 months pregnant, i was sleeping soundly for once, cuddling with my cat, having a nice dream… until I woke up choking on acid reflux, peed the bed, peed on the carpet and all over myself trying to get to the bathroom. This is not the first time this has happened. At least I didn't puke this time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 094

You deserved it 151

By bumblebee - 13/03/2010 19:10 - United States

Today, my boyfriend complained that we may not work out because I'm "just too needy". I'd woken up early and texted him "good morning" while he was trying to sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 667

You deserved it 9 635

By Ceej - 30/07/2011 21:06 - United States

Today, I was having horrible morning sickness. I was violently throwing up, could hardly breathe, and was gasping for air between each round of puking. My husband, in the other room playing video games, snapped and shouted, "Why can't you just be quiet?!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 575

You deserved it 6 661

By wtf1234 - 03/05/2011 01:41 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went on a picnic. After we finished eating he laid down, closed his eyes, and put his head in my lap. At the exact second that I bent down to kiss him, he jumped up to get the Frisbee. We both have bloody noses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 805

You deserved it 4 376

By Cheap N Happy - 17/02/2012 09:44 - United States

Today, I went out on a first date. He insisted we go to McDonald's and split a Happy Meal because he "didn't want to waste any money on a first date." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 625

You deserved it 4 546

By idonthavelice - 28/02/2010 13:44 - China

Today, while I was standing in the elevator with a few people I just met when I moved in yesterday, I felt something fall on my hair and dusted it off. It was a cockroach. None of them will come within a 1m distance to me now, because they all think I've got lice. Welcome to the building! FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 032

You deserved it 2 403

By jnp414 - 29/05/2016 01:11 - United States - Bristol

Today, my house key jammed inside the lock, which would've been annoying even if I hadn't been desperately running from my neighbor's psycho pitbull at the time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 458

You deserved it 1 509

Le Epic Bacon

By Anonymous - 28/02/2021 21:30

Today, after years of struggling with acne, I found out that it's caused by all the bacon I eat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 393

You deserved it 1 183

By fleetingmemories - 29/11/2013 23:55 - United States - Falls Church

Today, I had to bail my husband out of jail. It turns out that in the Black Friday rush, he beat a guy up just so he could get his hands on the last of a heavily-discounted item. The item in question: a toaster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 952

You deserved it 4 311

By life insurance for 1 - 30/05/2013 16:29 - United States - Encino

Today, I woke up to my 5-year-old son covering my nose and mouth with his hand and complaining, "Noooo, you need to die now." FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 612

You deserved it 5 554

By Mack - 31/08/2009 04:06 - United States

Today, I rented a drill to a straight-up valley girl, with the speech affect, Von Dutch patrol cap and all. I tried to disabuse of her of the idea that aluminum is a form of steel. Apparently, that constitutes being a smartass, so she threw her change at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 555

You deserved it 8 374

Fragile

By Ouch - 18/01/2021 08:02

Today, I'm 3 days post-partum and my husband accidentally jabbed into my side while flopping onto the couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 854

You deserved it 92

By Anonymous - 11/03/2013 01:51 - United States - Portland

Today, I was told I've secured the job I applied for at my local hospital. Being just 19, this is a great opportunity, and I told my parents. They angrily asked if I'd applied just to get access to drugs, then demanded to know how I'd managed to pass the drug test. Thanks for the confidence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 310

You deserved it 2 918

Hide and Seek

By Hide -n- Seek - 16/11/2019 20:00 - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, someone left a note on the front door saying "Let's play Hide and Seek". Who ever left the note apparently took my tires off my truck and scattered them. So far, I found one in my pool, and 2 outside my neighborhood. I still can't find the last one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 335

You deserved it 133

By Anonymous - 10/08/2010 21:34 - United States

Today, I was shopping at a store from which I had previously bought a shirt. The clerk accused me of trying to steal my own shirt and called security. They examined it and argued with me for so long I was late to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 071

You deserved it 2 982

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Top comments

perdix 29

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Thursday 30 September 2010 1:39

You need to read the directions. Choking and gagging are definitely not recommended. You have confused a throat lozenge with something completely different.

LOLSWAT 0

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Thursday 30 September 2010 2:06

a lozenge? man up and use bleach! hand in your man card, wimp.

perdix 29

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Thursday 30 September 2010 1:39

You need to read the directions. Choking and gagging are definitely not recommended. You have confused a throat lozenge with something completely different.

RedPillSucks 31

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Thursday 30 September 2010 1:42

LOL!!! Probably would need a throat lozenge after that other thing too.

horsechick212 0

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Thursday 30 September 2010 1:43

hahahahaha learn how to suck.

Stupified 0

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Thursday 30 September 2010 1:45

, you need to get more practice in if you choke so easily!, I'm talkin buy some carrots and cucumbers, and when you're done with the salad, go suck some dick!

Marvin_Android 0

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Thursday 30 September 2010 1:46

Sounds absolutely God-awful. Trying to soothe a sore throat is futile. It's just going to be sore again. And why even bother trying to heal and ailment when you're just going to die anyway? Your life, on the scale of eternity, is nothing. All that you do is completely pointless. Life. Don't talk to me about life.

MrCalves 1

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Thursday 30 September 2010 2:19

so am I too late to make a dick joke now?

mattman1994 0

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Thursday 30 September 2010 2:27

you're only too late if the joke sucks

hahafylop 4

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Thursday 30 September 2010 2:41

mattman, I love your pic, Green Bay is my fave and clay Matthews pwns. Aside from that, I don't mean to be a prick but you would die if something was stuck in your windpipe for any amount of time, and if you choked for 10 minutes, we would have read this from an obituary, not a hilarious website.

rockmetal0712 0

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Thursday 30 September 2010 3:18

I agree with 19

KingDingALing 9

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Thursday 30 September 2010 3:36

19- so you would rather keep a sore throat then make it feel better for a short period of time?

boopityboppity 11

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Thursday 30 September 2010 4:40

Don't talk to him about life, 48.

hawksfan21 3

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Thursday 30 September 2010 6:27

42- As long as the cough drop wasnt completely stuck, air could still get through and the op would still be alive

Brittneyyyy 7

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Thursday 30 September 2010 8:23

Yeah I agree with 48. Cough drops and lozenges taste like candy :D

hahafylop 4

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Friday 1 October 2010 2:07

ok tu shey idk bout spelling on that but... 65 still nothing can go down your windpipe or you die immediately.

fksfsdhfsdfh 26

Thursday 7 March 2013 2:28

Perdix...you are an FML legend!

ATL_chris 6

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Thursday 30 September 2010 1:39

lmfaoo lozenge win

smiles4life 1

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Thursday 30 September 2010 7:20

nice tattoo. :)

lovelyliz916 5

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Thursday 30 September 2010 1:40

Tee hee..ydi for being sick :P

Stupified 0

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Thursday 30 September 2010 1:40

Yeah, throat drops are way better.

5t3ff1k4h 44

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Thursday 30 September 2010 1:41

They work for me.

schwancy 2

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Thursday 30 September 2010 1:41

sucks to be you

ltsmark 0

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Thursday 30 September 2010 1:42

In soviet russia, cough drop, drop you!

jakii_ 0

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Thursday 30 September 2010 2:17

comma happy xD

rndg 0

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Thursday 30 September 2010 1:42

Next time, drink some nice tea with honey

5t3ff1k4h 44

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Thursday 30 September 2010 1:44

Never mind the tea. Just the spoonful of honey works!

Stupified 0

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Thursday 30 September 2010 2:04

Yuck and yuck-er! I'd rather gargle saltwater.

5t3ff1k4h 44

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Thursday 30 September 2010 2:56

No sweet tooth, I assume?

Stupified 0

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Thursday 30 September 2010 3:07

My sweet tooth is fine, those things are just nasty!

5t3ff1k4h 44

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Thursday 30 September 2010 4:43

If you have a sweet tooth, you would like the spoonful of honey. You have to be a tea person to like the tea.

Stupified 0

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Thursday 30 September 2010 5:33

No ma'am. Honey has a strange and aweful taste to it. Honey's nasty, honey.

anorexicbarbie 8

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Thursday 30 September 2010 8:06

Honey is nasty, and 58 nice cat. :)

Lukee 0

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Thursday 30 September 2010 9:12

Honey is nice, you're wrong !

FaberDriveLuv 5

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Thursday 30 September 2010 1:42

Aw, damn. Hope you feel better, op

fmlsxmakexmyxday 0

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Thursday 30 September 2010 1:44

watch out for cough drops. there deadly!

Nearly

Today I ripped my lovely £50 coat on barbed wire, what I only worn a hand full of times, ended up having to spend £10 to get it repaired, have to wait till Friday to pick it up, it’s only Tuesday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9

You deserved it 8

Today, a tech came to repair my cracked phone screen. He told me to remove my case and took it to his van in my driveway to fix it. Thirty minutes later, he rings my doorbell and hands me my phone back. He says he fixed the screen but tripped and dropped it walking back to my house, and completely shattered the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Today, I spent all day waiting for an unlikely follow up text from the girl from Tinder I let peg me on the first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 346

You deserved it 916

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 801

You deserved it 1 112

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