Today, for the first time ever, my family bought a real Christmas... - FML

By Nose Numb - 30/11/2014 20:24 - United States

Today, for the first time ever, my family bought a real Christmas tree instead of using our old fake one. Today, I also found out I'm allergic to Christmas trees. My family won't get rid of it because they paid so much for it and intend to "get their money's worth". FML

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Understandable

Fear factor

Assumptions

By Anonymous - 29/5/2018 02:33

Today, I got rear-ended on my way home from the pet store, causing my pet food to open up and go flying all over the floor of my car. My pet is a snake, and his food is live mice. FML

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By notanidiot - 20/6/2012 12:46 - United States - Lansing

Today, I laughed when I shouldn't have and am probably fired. What happened? My boss asked me if birds were reptiles. I thought he was kidding. FML

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By Cowgirl_Up37 - 2/7/2011 20:54 - United States

Today, I was so hungover, I started yelling at inanimate objects. My mom walked in on me calling my cereal a "worthless piece of shit sent from the bowels of Hell." FML

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By Anonymous - 1/5/2012 19:51 - Canada - Oakville

Today, my new neighbours moved in. I've neither seen nor spoken to them yet; all I know is that they enjoy hammering at the walls for hours on end and repeatedly setting off the fire alarm. All this in the small hours of the morning. I got two hours of sleep. FML

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By thornrose22 - 1/11/2009 00:22 - United States

Today, my boyfriend went down on me for the first time. After about five minutes, he sneezes violently on me. I don't know what's worse, him getting snot all over my intimate bits or the fact that the sneeze felt better then what he was doing. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/7/2012 08:08 - United States - Rock Springs

Today, I checked the app I had used during the night. It's supposed to record you while you sleep if you make any noise, and I had downloaded because my friends say I snore. The only noise it picked up was my parents having sex. FML

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By LonelyInLA - 16/2/2009 21:45 - United States

Today, I was watching TV when the Jim Beam commercial came on with the hot girl saying how she likes her men fat and hairy. My mom walked in and said, "See honey, you still have a chance." FML

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By Dope - 24/12/2008 11:23 - United States

Today, I tried to sell 2,000 options contracts, but I bought them instead, resulting in a big loss. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2013 07:18 - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, I was accused of stealing when I dropped a $20 bill in front of my boss. His logic: I'm too poor to have a $20 bill and there's no way it was a tip, since our customers are "so stingy". It was a tip and it was going to get me through the rest of the month. He won't give it back. FML

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By Mc2013 - 12/10/2014 17:38 - United States

Today, my morning sickness got so bad that, while at the grocery store, I had to throw up in my purse. FML

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By now have a cat - 24/4/2014 20:52 - United States - Glenview

Today, the man sitting next to me on the train tried to sneak a dead cat into my bag while I was sleeping. FML

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By brizzle - 5/4/2009 20:15 - United States

Today, my parents came home after being out of town for the weekend. I stayed home, did homework and completely cleaned the house, thinking I could earn some brownie points with them. They saw how clean the house was and accused me of covering up a party. FML

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By noname - 17/2/2009 17:15 - United States

Today, I dropped my 400 dollar iphone, that's been through toilets and 6 foot falls, on a walmart floor and shattered the screen. I managed, however, to catch the 2 dollar macaroni and cheese before it hit the ground. FML

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By Franklin - 1/2/2018 05:00 - United States - Fairbanks

Keeping it in the family!

Today, we got the results of our family's ancestry DNA tests. My father isn't related to me, but my grandfather is still my grandfather. Apparently grandma cheated on grandpa to get 'dad', and my mother cheated on 'dad' with my 'uncle' to get me. FML

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By Secretlypossessed - 29/10/2018 03:00

Today, I was awoken to a punch in the face. My boyfriend said I was giggling in my sleep and he thought I was possessed. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/2/2016 12:00 - United States - Montgomery

Today, I accidentally walked in on my sister shaving, naked. I don't know what's worse, the fact I've now seen her nude, or that she looks ten times better than any girl I've ever slept with. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2011 06:55 - United States

Today, I was washing my hands in the bathroom when I looked up and saw a spider on my cheek. Panicking, I slapped myself in the face as hard as I could to kill it. Turns out the spider was on the mirror. FML

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By BadassRumbleroar - 20/1/2012 03:46 - Canada

Today, I found out that when you are sitting on a full bench at a bus stop, some crazy person will come sit on you. FML

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By post valentines depression - 7/4/2018 01:30

Today, my Tinder date arranged an Uber to pick her up before we had even finished our appetizers. She was so bored she couldn't be bothered to stay for the whole meal. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/10/2010 16:39 - United States

Today, my roommate and I invited a few girls over to our dorm for a small party. We started to play a drinking game, and I attempted to chug three beers in two minutes. My stomach wouldn't have that, and I spewed up bright red chunks everywhere and on everyone. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/10/2011 19:54 - Denmark

Today, I realized that trying to fit in with my crush's social circle by acting like one of the lads was a waste of time. All he does is high-five me all the time and tell me every little detail of his latest one night stands. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2016 22:09 - United Kingdom - Hatfield

Today, I lost what should've been the easiest bet ever. Now I have to let my girlfriend go at me with a strap-on or forever be known as a sore loser. FML

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By daddysjudy92 - 28/9/2018 14:00

Today, after being hospitalized last week due to a severe mental breakdown, my mom is still mad at me for missing her big solo at church. She had even tried to demand I be released from the hospital for it. She's still going on about how she thinks I missed it on purpose. FML

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By constantine - 29/8/2010 04:47 - United States

Today, I wanted to go clubbing with my friends. I started drinking at home to save on the price of drinks, instead I fell asleep on my couch. FML

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By ItWasOurAnniversary - 28/9/2016 12:08 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I wanted to kayak. On the way, I told him I had to go back to our hotel because I needed the bathroom and didn't want a public one to smell. Once back in the elevator at the hotel, it got stuck. For an hour. I pooped myself and had to wait 40 minutes after that for help. FML

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By NotJobbing - 11/8/2015 23:05 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my lazy bastard of a co-worker punched me straight in the jaw because he didn't get the promotion I did. Being his new manager, I fired him. A few hours later, I was fired for "abusing" my power. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2010 23:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I walked outside to find someone had egged my house and smashed a pumpkin onto my car. I later discovered that the perpetrator was my own 8 year old son. FML

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By notadoorman - 25/7/2014 18:16 - United States - Elmont

Today, I held the door open for a woman and her kids on my way out of the bank. She started accusing me of patronizing her, and when I just let go of the door in protest, she deliberately leaned in so it hit her in the face. I felt the glares from the entire bank as she pretended to cry. FML

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By biggirlsdocry - 6/3/2012 13:56 - United States

Today, I texted my boyfriend, and he pretended he was a Burger King employee who found a lost phone, just so that he wouldn't have to talk to me. FML

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By angry asthmatic - 22/12/2018 14:00 - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, we had an emergency lockdown in my gym class. As a result, we had to go into the boys' locker room, so naturally, it smelled like a fart in there. Some dumbass had a "brilliant" idea to spray a WHOLE FUCKING CAN OF AXE SPRAY in the locker room. I have asthma. FML

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By "Brain_fart" - 18/9/2017 05:00 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I found out that both of my cats are afraid of mice. So far I've seen them run and hide from 3 different mice who've recently invaded my apartment. FML

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By bad luck Bianca - 17/1/2015 22:30 - United States - Houston

Today, I saw a stick in my car and picked it up to throw it out the window. The "stick" turned out to have eyes. It was a dead lizard. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/12/2015 17:11 - Germany

Today, as I passed a printout over my shoulder to my mum, I managed to give myself a papercut on my tear duct. FML

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By ljennette25 - 23/9/2016 04:51 - United States - Princeton

Today, I started a new job as a school bus driver. I was sent on the hardest route in the area, and not 5 minutes in I came across a broke down truck in the middle of the road. I was stuck behind him for over an hour with a bus full of elementary school kids. FML

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By harambae - 11/9/2016 17:10 - United States - La Grange

Today, I accidentally mooed during sex. FML

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By annoyed - 10/2/2009 03:59 - United States

Today, I got a ticket. From my dad the cop. FML

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By TraumatizedMother - 2/10/2011 07:27 - United States

Today, my six-year-old got in an argument with my four-year-old. I told them to go outside. The next thing I know, my son was standing in front of his sister's burning Barbie's Malibu Dream House, singing "Burn Baby Burn" and cackling madly. FML

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By FitnessFirst - 25/11/2015 00:38 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I painfully watched my doctor burn a hole in my nail to drain the blood underneath. This is the prescribed treatment for the injury of hammering your thumb. FML

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By feeling single - 28/10/2015 19:48 - United States - Burbank

Today, it's been so long since I heard from him, I had to look at my boyfriend's Facebook page to see if we're still in a relationship. FML

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By haggisbowl - 14/1/2012 06:52 - United States

Today, my boyfriend stated that we should play a game where one person asks the other a question, and they answer it with a picture. I thought it sounded fun so I said yes. His first question was, "Do you shave your vagina?" FML

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Top comments

By Dreamsorrow93 | 24

#6131812 - Monday 1 December 2014 10:40

Cover it in tin foil in the middle of the night.

By nickzpic | 8

#6131813 - Monday 1 December 2014 10:41

What reaction do you get? Hope its nothing serious, I have a lot of allergies too. Huge pains in the ass

Comments

By Dreamsorrow93 | 24

#6131812 - Monday 1 December 2014 10:40

Cover it in tin foil in the middle of the night.

Reply

badluckalex | 23

#6131846 - Monday 1 December 2014 11:36

that would be a little tiring to take on and off every day

but seriously, wouldn't that be a hazard because of the lights? what if a wire is sticking out

Reply

Murilirum | 23

#6131866 - Monday 1 December 2014 12:10

You really think that would have any sort of 'stealth' ?

Reply

timmeeeee | 10

#6131893 - Monday 1 December 2014 13:37

Ask her to work tirelessly to cover up a thing she is allergic to. Thats good thinking

Reply

ProfKowalski | 5

#6132563 - Tuesday 2 December 2014 4:06

Well, that would sure foil their plans...

By nickzpic | 8

#6131813 - Monday 1 December 2014 10:41

What reaction do you get? Hope its nothing serious, I have a lot of allergies too. Huge pains in the ass

Reply

FBellesLife | 15

#6131865 - Monday 1 December 2014 12:09

Huge pains in the.... Gotta love the edit timer haha

By Zacky_Chan | 22

#6131814 - Monday 1 December 2014 10:43

Tis the season

Reply

amadeclton | 26

#6131963 - Monday 1 December 2014 15:46

Tis the sneeze-on

Reply

PrincessZelda_HR | 22

#6132310 - Monday 1 December 2014 22:55

To be jolly,
Fa-la-la-ahhCHOO

By sweetest_jenn | 18

#6131816 - Monday 1 December 2014 10:45

If it's not a severe allergy that requires medical attention, you'll just have to suck it up and take some allergy medicine. Hopefully you start building some tolerance against the allergens. Good luck OP.

By kyuubi1 | 14

#6131817 - Monday 1 December 2014 10:46

you could always have the tree "stolen". just saying.

Reply

Brandi_Faith | 33

#6132245 - Monday 1 December 2014 22:02

Op: "mom I swear it wasn't me, it was the grinch!"

Reply

Nina825 | 21

#6132863 - Tuesday 2 December 2014 12:25

I liiiiike that idea

By Raxal | 21

#6131818 - Monday 1 December 2014 10:46

Is there an uncommon room in the house that the tree can be kept in?
Otherwise, good luck OP and hopefully your allergies aren't too serious.

By christian1509 | 21

#6131821 - Monday 1 December 2014 10:53

The real ones have a reputation for burning very easily, now I'm not suggesting anything but....

Reply

christian1509 | 21

#6131823 - Monday 1 December 2014 10:55

I'm just kidding that's actually an awful idea considering you'd probably end up burning your entire house down... In all seriousness though, try reasoning with them a little more. If they see its a serious issue for you I'm sure they'll understand

By worldclassrager | 39

#6131831 - Monday 1 December 2014 11:06

Well time to use the fake one for now on...even though it is pagan...

By eyebrowzzz | 21

#6131834 - Monday 1 December 2014 11:08

Bring something they all hate into the house!

Reply

cakefete2 | 30

#6131888 - Monday 1 December 2014 13:27

Suppose they all secretly hate OP and this is their retaliation?

By Iceberg86300 | 14

#6131843 - Monday 1 December 2014 11:29

Just make sure you get THEIR money's worth of brand name allergy meds. Also, there are numerous chemicals that when added to the trees water will turn it brown and have it dropping most of the needles within a week.