Today, my boss caught me playing games on the computer for 4...

By poisonhand - United States

Today, my boss caught me playing games on the computer for 4 hours. My boss told me to feel free and continue, but to pack my stuff up and leave when I was done. FML

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Work

Nice neighborhood

Bad boys, bad boys…

Phantom pooper

By militiousroflcopter - United States

Today, I had to catch a shuttle bus. I awoke to the sound of a car horn. I ran out in my boxers and saw a bus take off down the road. I chased it, thinking I had missed my bus. I realized I hadn't only when I saw frightened kids in the back of the bus. FML

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By newlywed - United States

Today, I married a wonderful man. Even though both of us were no longer virgins, we decided to wait until marriage to sleep together. He just told me I was the worst he's ever had. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Annandale

Today, I saw the girl that I've had a crush on forever riding her horse on the side of the road. She waved, and without thinking, I honked my horn in response. Her horse bucked her off. FML

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By babybambi

Today, I got food poisoning for the first time after cooking. Yesterday, I met my boyfriend's family for the first time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Carrollton

Today, I was very worried about my girlfriend of two years. She has recently moved into her apartment, and I hadn't heard from her for four days. Don't worry, though, she's fine. According to her mother's Facebook, she moved in with her old boyfriend. FML

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By nick - Canada

Today, working my pizza delivery job, I got a $45 parking ticket for parking in a no stopping zone. I argued with the bylaw enforcement officer, but no luck. I was so pissed, I yelled at him: "You have the worst job in the world", to which he replied: " Buddy, you deliver pizza!" FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, I accidentally left my sister's hamster's cage open and it escaped. My dad recently put mouse traps down. Guess where I found her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Mateo

Today, I found out that you can give your grandpa a Vietnam flashback when you set off a leftover firecracker from New Years. I also found out that a 76 year old hits pretty fucking hard when freaking out. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I walked through a spider's web with hundreds of baby spiders on it. My afro is now infested. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was smoking in my car and flicked the butt... into the face of a cop on a motorcycle going the other way. FML

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By - 3/1/2020 18:33

Official meeting

Today, I went to meet my boyfriend's parents for the first time. His mother, seconds upon meeting me, gave me a hug, smiled at me, and said: "It's so nice to finally meet you! All I ever hear is 'Emma this', and 'Emma that', 'I love Emma!'. He never stops talking about you!" My name's not Emma. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me I smell like vegetables. FML

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By Marco

Today, the bank I use lost 5 billion. FML

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By NeoDepressed - Czech Republic

Today my parents screamed at me for cutting my wrists. They asked me if i want a therapist. I said idk. Then my mom said "But wait its going to cost a lot of money".. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2020 08:29

Thanks for all the help

Today, I found the Facebook album my sister took with her kids by the pool and out on boats while back in our hometown. My problem? I'm our dad's carer since his stroke and she had planned the trip as a mission to help me take care of him, but due to her kids being "sick", she only visited briefly. Twice. In 5 weeks. FML

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By foolmetwice

Today, I spilt a very hot cup of tea all over a burn I got yesterday from spilling a very hot cup of tea. FML

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By the dead never die

Today, after over a dozen separate blood tests, my doctor told me conclusively that my results are perfectly normal for a middle-aged woman in the early stages of pregnancy. Problem is, I’m a 24-year-old guy, so my doctor is very concerned. FML

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By SFBEL - Belgium - Leuven

Today, after being a resident DJ at a local club for over 4 years, I got fired. Not because I'm bad at what I do, but because my boss thinks I'm not 'having fun like the other DJs'. And by 'having fun' he means that I don't drink enough. I got fired for not being an alcoholic. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Canyon

Today, my boyfriend decided it was time to spice up our sex life. He now watches Sons Of Anarchy when we have sex. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the weather was beautiful, so I decided to go out skating. I guess I took a wrong turn into a bad neighborhood, because I ended up being chased several blocks by a group of jacked-up thugs wielding baseball bats and taunting, "Skate or die, homie!" FML

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By wellesleybanana - United States

Today, I finally got some sleep after an exterminator came yesterday and took care of our roach problem. I woke up and kissed my boyfriend good morning. Frowning, he told me I had something stuck on the corner of my mouth. It was a roach leg. Where is the rest of the roach? FML

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By mademoiselle meurtre - United States - Belleville

Today, I had to explain to my rabidly religious brother how two transvestites can buy fish at Petco while he's buying the same fish at the same Petco, and it doesn't equate to hitting on him. It's been two hours, and he's still sitting outside my door reading Bible verses and praying aggressively. FML

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By itisthedude - United States

Today, I was walking with my very attractive friend who I like a lot. She then told me that her roomate wouldn't be home tonight, and if I wanted, I could come over and study history. I didn't get it. I told her no thanks, that I was covered, and it was chem I needed to study. An hour later, I understood. FML

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By Ima in Hungary - United States - Silsbee

Today, my boyfriend drove to my house to break up with me. He only did so after I'd vacuumed the whole house to compensate for his cat allergies. I thought he was just coming to dinner. FML

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By zaneey - Australia

Today, I decided to quit smoking and put on a nicotine patch. I decided to have one last cigarette and ended up sick at the doctors with nicotine poisoning. FML

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By evenpoorer - United States

Today, I was excited to start my new job. It was only when I was leaving after a long 8 hour day did I realize all of the personal documents I had I brought in for paperwork had been stolen. I am now down a passport, social security card, and wallet. Great first day. FML

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By thenanny - United States - East Syracuse

Today, I got a very nice compliment on my bra. But it was from a five-year-old after her 6-month-old brother threw up on my shirt. FML

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By twatstick - United Kingdom - Worksop

Today, at work, I had to utter the phrase, "Sir, please stop rubbing yourself with the peas." It's exactly how it sounds. FML

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By halloweensucks - United States

Today, I spent over an hour decorating my house for trick or treaters. I never got one person at my door because I forgot to unlock my gate. FML

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By dejected - United States

Today, feeling down and dejected because of the shitty weather and none of my friends or family wanting to spend time with me to feel loved I took my favorite stuffed animal and that says 'I love you' when you squeeze it. I squeezed it. Nothing happened. Even an inanimate object rejected me. FML

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By ThirdWheelHell - United States - Farmville

Today, I had a date with a guy. We ran into our gay friend at the theater, who insisted on coming along. My date was pissed, but I couldn't turn our friend away. Afterwards, my date texted our friend, mad because he crashed the date. Turns out he isn't gay. And only crashed it because he likes me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband farted, grabbed a fan and blew the smell right at me. Disgusted, I reminded him that I’m a lady, not a dude. He burst out laughing and sang, "Dude looks like a lady." FML

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By francesa_loca - Canada

Today, my father started drinking a little early. At some point, he got hungry and decided to boil eggs. He started a dozen, drank some more, and passed out on the couch. When I came home, all the water had boiled off and the eggs had exploded all over the kitchen. I'm still cleaning up the mess. FML

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By johnnydoe6969 - United States

Today, I went camping and shared a tent with this girl I have been sleeping with here and there for a year. To impress her, I popped a certain male enhancement supplement. Thirty minutes later I found out she was on her period. What a long night. FML

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By embaressed - Canada

Today, I realised I like Britney Spears. FML

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By livay315 - United States

Today, my daughter's school was putting on a fashion show for charity and all the kids were supposed to ask their mothers to be in it. I asked my daughter about it and she said "well I was going to ask you, but they said only to 'ask all of your BEAUTIFUL mommies." FML

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By ashily24

Today, I went and had my first ultrasound done. My husband said he had a meeting at work, and couldn't come. As I was leaving, I saw him at the doctor's office with another heavily pregnant woman. FML

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By Gemma - United Kingdom

Today, my mother thought it would be a good idea to tell me that I was conceived on an airplane toilet. FML

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By pop_rox - United States

Today, I was riding in a carpool when we passed a church that has a shady reputation. I said "man, all those people are being brainwashed, it's a cult". The lady sitting in the back seat behind me says "I'm a member of that church". OOPS. Silence. FML

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By anon - United States - Port Saint Lucie

Today, I told my grandma my boyfriend had cheated on me. She told me that it was my fault for not straightening my hair, and for gaining a few pounds. FML

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Top comments

By arms_akimbo | 0

#57 - Tuesday 3 February 2009 21:09

You dumbass. This is your own damn fault.

By Vincenzo_fml | 1

#29739 - Friday 13 March 2009 14:21

So you go to work, play computer games all day, and expect people to care when you get fired for it? Sorry, but some of us have real jobs where were work our ass off all day, others are perfectly qualified and are hard workers, but because of the economy are without jobs. Perhaps you should reflect on this while trying to find a new job.

COMMENTS

By arms_akimbo | 0

#57 - Tuesday 3 February 2009 21:09

You dumbass. This is your own damn fault.

By tastytasty | 0

#807 - Monday 9 February 2009 8:22

you weren't playing at www.iminlikewithyou.com by any chance were you? i played there all the time with office workers before lol

By Vincenzo_fml | 1

#29739 - Friday 13 March 2009 14:21

By Komarii | 0

#29986 - Friday 13 March 2009 18:28

Agree with 13. I need a job, whats your company and bosses name?

By Shallow_Padentic | 0

#51280 - Monday 23 March 2009 1:27

ya i agree with 11...what did he mean by that

By Eladar | 0

#59992 - Thursday 26 March 2009 17:38

You should have downloaded like counterstrike and stuffs....Stayed there overnight, and played away... Just to see how long you could get by without them calling security on your ass

By FBIWarning | 0

#189339 - Monday 11 May 2009 22:30

lol i'm working right now haha, yet no ones cares... love my job!

By fmljw | 2

#193990 - Wednesday 13 May 2009 5:00

FOUR HOURS?! wow
my boss caught me youtubing and watching movies when i was a co-op. she still hired me back full time. :D

By ziqi92 | 0

#302408 - Sunday 14 June 2009 1:42

follow the goddamn rules...

By NoNameAtAll_fml | 1

#370260 - Sunday 5 July 2009 16:19

YDI asshole! Its called "work" for a reason