Miscellaneous: Today, as I was getting ready to go to the midnight premiere...

By spiderfail - 03/07/2012 08:03 - United States - Erie

Today, as I was getting ready to go to the midnight premiere of the new Spiderman movie, I was actually bitten by a spider. He gets super powers and a hot girl, I swell up like a balloon and get to spend the night in the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 454

You deserved it 2 506

Miscellaneous

Sorry…

Mother of the year

Unimpressed

Assumptions

By Anonymous - 08/05/2020 17:00

Today, I found out that most of the people I work with secretly refer to me as the "designated bottom" because they assumed from my slight stature and soft spoken personality that I was a submissive homosexual. My wife thinks it’s hilarious and keeps grabbing my ass to make me jump in shock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 878

You deserved it 231

By Anonymous - 07/12/2018 20:00 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, after a year and half of being single, I was asked out on a date. I was asked by a married man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 849

You deserved it 192

By Anonymous - 06/12/2015 09:58 - United States - Asheville

Today, at work, my vindictive, cheating ex made me clean and inspect her new wedding ring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 210

You deserved it 2 192

By BigDreamer - 09/02/2019 02:00

Today, I had a dream where I was imagining myself hooking up with a really hot girl. Not a sex dream. A dream where I was sitting in a room alone and imagining myself hooking up with this really hot girl. Even in my dreams I can only imagine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 174

You deserved it 234

By fuckface? I wish - 30/11/2013 20:29 - Australia - Diamond Beach

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She asked if the ring was a temporary thing until I got a better one, saw my dumbfounded face, then played it off as a joke and said yes. I later found out she'd posted on Facebook bitching about the ring, but with the privacy setting set to hide it from me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 887

You deserved it 5 463

By tongue tied - 11/02/2013 08:57 - United States - Meadville

Today, I was talking to an attractive guy, but I was so nervous that I got tongue-tied and then blurted out, "Stupid autocorrect." FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 887

You deserved it 31 408

By girly girly - 26/05/2012 14:42 - United States - Keller

Today, at work, my friend dared me to answer the next call on my phone by saying, "This is your local sperm bank. You jack it, we pack it." I did it. The person on the phone was my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 164

You deserved it 46 699

By pokie - 30/08/2009 05:38 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend that my fantasy was for him to eat me out on the dinner table. My boyfriend told me his was me in a Pikachu costume. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 790

You deserved it 9 357

By Anonymous - 23/02/2016 05:01 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I farted at a crowded concert, and people started commenting on said fart. I specifically went out of my way to eat certain foods all day so that it wouldn't happen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 234

You deserved it 2 755

By anon - 13/01/2016 02:41 - United States

Today, I was eating at a diner one of my friends from work recommended to me. I ordered a chicken salad sandwich, which was pretty good despite the used bandaid in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 774

You deserved it 1 342

By I already have one, thanks - 09/08/2014 05:59 - Australia - Mosman

Today, at the bank, some poor bastard got brutally dumped in front of everyone, prompting some total spastic behind me to cough and mockingly say "Loser!" The guy thought I'd said it, and started shoving me around and threatening to tear me a new asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 245

You deserved it 3 070

By pagvscgrac - 13/03/2012 04:03 - United States

Today, I got a hand cramp from popping zits on my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 044

You deserved it 25 306

By Pierce - 05/06/2009 16:56 - United States

Today, I was with my 14 year old son when we saw a baby sparrow being attacked by four or five blackbirds. We rushed up, waving our arms and scared away the much bigger attackers. The baby sparrow ran toward us for protection, then went past both of us and ran straight down a storm sewer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 793

You deserved it 4 463

By Anonymous - 24/03/2012 02:39 - United States - Fredericksburg

Today, I received my first payment of child support from my estranged husband: $50 and a note that said he wouldn't be paying any more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 062

You deserved it 3 744

By UnluckyGroom - 09/06/2012 23:04 - United States - East Wenatchee

Today, after a long night of partying, I fell asleep, while my bride was delivering her vows. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 120

You deserved it 59 514

By scaredofcutouts - 10/10/2012 21:44 - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, my sister thought it would be funny to place a cardboard cut-out of a person at the foot of my bed. I woke up, saw the cut-out from the corner of my eye, fell out of bed, landed on my hand wrong, and broke two fingers. She got it all on video. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 921

You deserved it 2 313

Worst sniper ever

By Anonymous - 23/07/2021 19:59

Today, I had to ban my teenage son from taking his phone into the bathroom, not because he looks at porn, but because he’s so engrossed in the screen, he doesn’t aim while he pees all over the seat and sometimes the floor, without cleaning it up. He’s not incapable, just fucking lazy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 970

You deserved it 125

Teddy

By Anonymous - 03/06/2021 08:01

Today, I thought babysitting my nephew would be easy. WRONG. He put his wet teddy on the space heater to dry, and caused a fire. While I was putting the fire out, he decided to wash his burnt teddy in the sink, which blocked the plug and flooded my kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 883

You deserved it 196

By jasondrags - 03/07/2015 13:42 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, I tried to arrange my first gallery exhibition as a photography student. Not even my mother wants to come. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 858

You deserved it 2 447

Holiday assumptions

By Red Toad - 26/12/2020 20:59 - United States - Litchfield Park

Today, I said a few words to my mom that happened to be similar to something offensive, and she misheard. I tried to tell her, but she was so angry that she assumed I was saying more offensive things. Now she is punishing everybody in the house, and I’m not allowed to speak to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 774

You deserved it 101

By Anonymous - 05/11/2018 22:00

Today, my dad is refusing to let me marry my fiancé because he said no when my dad asked for a loan of £10,000 to help clear some gambling debts. Apparently that shows my fiancé has poor family values and will be a bad father and an alcoholic husband. Impressive logical thinking there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 534

You deserved it 332

Great start

By MattClifford - 15/11/2020 17:01 - Australia

Today, I passed my driver's test. As I was driving home, I was rear-ended. Rear-ended by the examiner that'd passed me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 194

You deserved it 57

By badidea - 23/12/2011 06:42 - United States

Today, someone nearly hit me with their car, so I flipped them the finger. They turned back around and tried to run me over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 681

You deserved it 10 069

Non-baby fever

By Anonymous - 01/06/2020 23:00

Today, I found out that my fiancé, with whom I've been with for 10 years, doesn't want to have sex with me because he thinks I'm going to trap him into having a baby. He sees me take my contraceptive pill nightly and knows I was booked in for having a coil fitted before Covid-19 happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 779

You deserved it 255

By snidpea - 31/01/2010 17:07 - France

Today, I sprained my ankle while playing soccer. I still have to walk home. In the rain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 998

You deserved it 3 470

By butterbody - 23/03/2014 23:02 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a coffee shop. As I headed over to stand in line, I tripped over my own feet. I got back up, then tripped up yet again. Everyone was staring, and I was so mortified that I went to leave. I then struggled with the door under their glares before realising it opened the other way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 894

You deserved it 6 770

I'm not drunk, you're drunk!

By katieemw95 - 23/09/2019 04:00

Today, I came home from partying all night, having stayed completely sober. My Dad, blind drunk, told me he was proud of me for staying sober. He claims to have been sober longer than I have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 321

You deserved it 106

Freudian slip

By LLP - 15/10/2020 17:01 - United States

Today, I found out there's nothing like getting dumped and then receiving an inadvertent Snapchat sext from your ex-girlfriend that was intended for her new boyfriend, on what would have been your anniversary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 457

You deserved it 115

By Austyn - 18/02/2011 07:55

Today, I brought home a ukulele I had just bought. Excited, I showed my dad. He then looked at me, smirked, and said "Just like everything else you have, it's a bit smaller than normal." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 496

You deserved it 5 544

By Anonymous - 25/09/2011 04:18 - United States

Today, I bought a lanyard for my new car keys. "Epic Fail" was printed on it. Not two hours after getting it and putting my keys on it, I locked them in my car. I don't have a spare. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 328

You deserved it 34 282

By pharmn00b - 08/07/2009 17:52 - United States

Today, at work, I was calling customers to tell them that they had prescriptions waiting to be picked up. It was a long list and every time I reached an answering machine I left our number so they could call us back. When I was finished, the pharmacist told me I been giving out our fax number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 851

You deserved it 39 131

Rollercoaster

By Margaret - 04/09/2020 02:02 - Canada - Toronto

Today, within the span of one day, the owner of the business I work at said I could write "Technical & Compliance Manager" on paperwork where I was the approver for engineered compliance of product regulatory records, but also that I was "basically just a secretary." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 041

You deserved it 169

Weird reason, but OK

By Anonymous - 30/01/2021 05:01 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, sitting in my car, an hour into a four-hour trip. The reason? I haven't been lifting with him at his gym during the COVID-19 pandemic. The kicker? We were headed back after a stay-cation with his mom, because yesterday was my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 788

You deserved it 82

By Samprib - 01/06/2013 05:09 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I went to the pharmacy to buy condoms. My card was declined, and I had to stand and watch in morbid fascination as the man behind me kindly paid for my purchase. His reason was "God forbid a maxed out Visa should get in the way of fucking." FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 016

You deserved it 20 765

By Katie - 09/03/2012 06:48 - United Kingdom

Today, while on trial for a desperately needed new job, I tripped crossing a road with my would-be manager. I twisted my ankle, and he had to carry me across the road and call a taxi for me to go home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 134

You deserved it 2 845

By Anonymous - 24/07/2015 02:13 - United States - San Francisco

Today, over the course of three hours, I was burned by our toaster oven, hit in the head by a fridge door, hit my toes on a chair, clipped my hip on a table edge, and had both the washer and dryer lids slam on the same hand. I'm not sure what hurts more, my body or the shame. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 194

You deserved it 4 294

By facepalm - 27/02/2012 11:06 - United States

Today, I had to ask my boyfriend to stop measuring his penis during our conversation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 040

You deserved it 4 321

Unconditional support

By anon - 16/12/2019 03:00 - United States - Hinesville

Today, my girlfriend told me she'd support my decision to stay in, or get out of the military, so I renewed my contract...... She broke up with me for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 152

You deserved it 289

By Anonymous - 23/03/2016 22:48 - United States - Lake Worth

Today, I found out that my mom has been deliberately forgetting to help me practice my driving. It's not because the insurance will go up once I pass the test, she doesn't want my 14 year-old sister to feel left behind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 631

You deserved it 1 176

By onlyjuggalos - 31/01/2016 08:13 - United States

Today, I told my grandpa that I want to join the police force. His response: "You wanna lynch some blacks without the jail time, eh?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 507

You deserved it 2 536

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TheDrifter 23

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Tuesday 3 July 2012 16:24

Quick, add radiation, you might be able to get some super powers out of it yet.

saIty 17

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Tuesday 3 July 2012 16:22

Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na... Spider human balllooooooooonnnn!

jellyforyou 12

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Tuesday 3 July 2012 16:20

gabybilyk 5

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Tuesday 3 July 2012 16:22

HAHA ! LOSER :P I saw it it it was FUCKING AMAZAYN

Hiimhaileypotter 52

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Tuesday 3 July 2012 16:21

Spiders are scary! What kind was it?

olpally 32

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Tuesday 3 July 2012 17:27

Tobey maguire. I heard he's dangerous...

alex1432 9

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Tuesday 3 July 2012 17:52

great comment lol

happle 21

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Tuesday 3 July 2012 19:53

What are the chances of something the size of your thumbnail putting you in the hospital... x_x

aimeesea75 16

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Tuesday 3 July 2012 20:41

2- I actually read that in Fluttershy's voice x3

RedPillSucks 31

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Tuesday 3 July 2012 22:55

@72 You do know that there are quite a few venomous spiders, right? In addition, OP could simply be highly allergic to spider bites.

GroovyGravy 7

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Thursday 5 July 2012 21:13

79- dammit, I did too

saIty 17

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Tuesday 3 July 2012 16:22

Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na... Spider human balllooooooooonnnn!

DooleyFTW 17

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Tuesday 3 July 2012 16:35

With that theme it should be Bat human balloon!

Redoxx_fml 22

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Tuesday 3 July 2012 17:58

Balloonman balloonman does whatever a balloon can

reallytho3 11

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Tuesday 3 July 2012 19:23

Friendly neighborhood balloonman

rcgirl2 11

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Tuesday 3 July 2012 20:50

Don't you mean sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium BALLOONMAN!

MartinAlex 1

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Wednesday 4 July 2012 0:05

He's the hero the kids deserve, but not what it-.. Damnit, he flew away!

moonsxstars 6

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Tuesday 3 July 2012 16:23

Don't you know what you see on tv isn't always true?

reallytho3 11

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Tuesday 3 July 2012 16:25

I'm pretty sure op wasn't trying to get bitten...

Zomg_Okay 26

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Tuesday 3 July 2012 16:39

And that they were, in fact, just making a humorous comparison to the film.

ALpein 0

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Tuesday 3 July 2012 18:16

I dunno' guys. He might wake up with 20/20 vision.

datoismyname 22

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Tuesday 3 July 2012 18:38

You sir, did not understand this particular FML.

KeyboardWarrior 10

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Tuesday 3 July 2012 19:55

Pretty sure it's a woman...

titzenpitzer 9

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Wednesday 4 July 2012 0:33

Oh my I love this reply :D

TheDrifter 23

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Tuesday 3 July 2012 16:24

Quick, add radiation, you might be able to get some super powers out of it yet.

hockeyoceancity 13

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Tuesday 3 July 2012 16:42

So you can eat OP's soul and gain the powers yourself? OP won't fall for that trick!

TheDrifter 23

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Tuesday 3 July 2012 16:46

I don't want his powers, I'm trying to create a soulless zombie version of the justice league.

hunterfisher98 8

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Tuesday 3 July 2012 18:41

Quickly! To the nuclear power plant!

cheetahbaby96 8

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Tuesday 3 July 2012 22:04

Don't forget, all superheroes' parents are dead. You know what you must do!

TheDrifter 23

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Wednesday 4 July 2012 1:38

If I drop my soulless zombie superheroes off at home afterwards they should take care of it on their own.

bizarre_ftw 21

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Wednesday 4 July 2012 2:50

Or cancer

chickenwalrus 14

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Tuesday 3 July 2012 16:25

don't be ungrateful, you're balloon man.

alphaskater09 9

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Tuesday 3 July 2012 19:04

What in the flying fuck is you profile picture???

draegbomb 5

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Tuesday 3 July 2012 21:02

Jared Allen

SqueakyChipmunk 20

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Tuesday 3 July 2012 23:01

Wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube man!!! (~•o•~)

bizarre_ftw 21

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Wednesday 4 July 2012 2:52

65 - haven't we already been though this? >.< *facepalm*

stormer461 13

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Tuesday 3 July 2012 16:25

At least the nurses might've been hot?

hockeyoceancity 13

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Tuesday 3 July 2012 16:46

I'm sure they were whispering together, "Do you see balloon man over there? His hives and redness is turning me on...."

Hiimhaileypotter 52

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Tuesday 3 July 2012 16:32

At least you weren't in the hospital because your dad wanted hot nurses and broke your knee to get to them.

Michele2luv 8

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Tuesday 3 July 2012 20:29

Referencing an older FML, good job . . .

bizarre_ftw 21

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Wednesday 4 July 2012 2:53

Obvious statement, questionable job.

MissMae93 23

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Tuesday 3 July 2012 16:33

Oh gross, that sucks OP! Hope you're doing better and make note if your spidey senses start tingling ;)

21jason 9

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Tuesday 3 July 2012 16:35

The powers don't kick in until at least 24 hours.

Nearly

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19

You deserved it 11

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58

You deserved it 17

Spicy

Today, I found out I’m going to be a father, twice over, with two different women. Sisters, in fact. Only one of those sisters is my wife. Should I flee abroad, or walk calmly towards the firing squad straight away? FML

I agree, your life sucks 124

You deserved it 2 354

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 893

You deserved it 195

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