Today, as I was getting ready to go to the midnight premiere...

By spiderfail - 3/7/2012 08:03 - United States - Erie

Today, as I was getting ready to go to the midnight premiere of the new Spiderman movie, I was actually bitten by a spider. He gets super powers and a hot girl, I swell up like a balloon and get to spend the night in the hospital. FML

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Miscellaneous

Banished

Fairytale ending

Don't you know that you're toxic?

By whovian221b - 25/8/2015 22:46 - United States

Today, after coming home from the hospital after I fractured my foot, I fell in the bathroom and dislocated my wrist. The ER doctor couldn't stop laughing. FML

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By Person15 - 26/11/2011 23:13 - United States

Today, I was at the mall and started singing along to the playing of "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas." A kid glanced at me and said to her mom, "She IS a hippopotamus." FML

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By HoboWithACondom - 31/8/2019 16:01

Today, my regressive boss fired me because he found out I'm dating his daughter. Now I'm concerned what he might do if he finds out she's pregnant with my child. FML

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By Stressed out mom - 7/3/2018 01:30

Incognito IRL

Today, my daughter confessed that she’s pregnant from a one-night stand with some guy she met on vacation in Florida a few months ago. The dirtbag never told her his last name and the phone number he gave her was fake. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2019 18:00

Wig out

Today, a little girl asked me if I was wearing a toupee. It's my real hair. FML

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By alisaav - 8/8/2014 07:40 - Thailand

Today, I saw a cute guy walking out of a restaurant. When he saw me, he smiled and to be a bit flirty I bit my lip. Too bad it started to bleed like hell. FML

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By vanilla_blossom - 5/1/2016 18:49 - United States - Jackson

Today, I tried asking a guy I like on a date. He turned me down, saying that I "seem like a nice person and all", but after seeing those reality shows on truTV, he "would rather not date a Russian. No offense, though." FML

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By Retailhell - 22/12/2014 06:25 - United States

Today, since it's company policy, I had to go to the back of my small store to retrieve an item for a customer, even though I was working by myself. I came back to find that since she couldn't get into the cash register, she found and stole my purse instead. FML

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By K_M - 23/8/2010 04:18 - Malaysia

Today, I wanted to punish a student for being late. I decided to start a pop quiz before he arrived. I was positive there wasn't enough time for him to finish. He scored full marks and I couldn't say a word. FML

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By mylifesuckssomuch3214 - 7/12/2009 17:08 - United States

Today, after complaining to the administration about my roommate, I finally got switched. As I went into the room to meet my new roommate, I found out he was my old roommate's brother. They are exactly the same, and I'm not allowed to switch again. FML

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By talwin - 27/7/2011 04:05 - Reserved

Today, I discovered that the more money I earn, the more my personal belongings break down on me. FML

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By notpreggers - 15/4/2009 20:14 - United Kingdom

Today, I was wearing a new 500 dollar dress on a crowded train. I looked great and I could feel the eyes on me. A cute guy then offered me his seat, only boosting my confidence more until he said "for you and the baby," pointing at a bump in my dress. I'm not pregnant and wasted 500 dollars. FML

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By YuckyDuckyLucky - 3/6/2015 17:36 - Norway - Oslo

Today, I attempted to break the record for the heaviest squat in my local gym. A small crowd witnessed me breaking the record as well as releasing a huge fart. FML

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By KarateKid76 - 5/12/2013 03:19 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I was having it off with my boyfriend when all of a sudden he stops, grabs my breasts with both hands, makes circular motions with them, and yells, "Daniel-san! Wax on! Wax off! Wax on! Wax off!", killing my orgasm dead. FML

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By poisongrl - 6/9/2011 22:53 - Macedonia

Today, it's my birthday. My dad came to pick me up, but after I had put my backpack in the back seat and closed the car door, he drove off without me. It started to rain, and I was without my phone or wallet. FML

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By mitochondriaisthepowerhouseofthecell - 27/12/2018 02:00

Today, I had my final piano performance. There is a guy in my class who constantly tells me I suck at piano, so I was looking forward to watching him play badly since he never practices. Instead, he played the most beautiful music that would make Mozart weep. He got a standing ovation. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2012 17:27 - United States - Placentia

Today, I cleaned out my house and placed multiple boxes of clothes and books in my two-seated truck to take to the Goodwill. While turning onto the highway, everything tumbled on top of me, sending me crashing into a guardrail. FML

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By Sad Chef ;( - 5/12/2014 03:33 - United States

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. Being a chef of a highly-rated restaurant, I cooked a well-liked dish. Not only did she say no, but commented on how bland and tasteless the meal was. FML

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By dontask - 1/10/2010 01:55 - United States

Today, the guy I've been crushing on for years and I finally went on a date. While on the date, he threw up in my purse and stuck tampons up his nose. FML

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By CrazyBitch - 4/4/2013 08:20 - United States - Palo Alto

Today, my girlfriend said that while she was playing volleyball, her whole life flashed before her eyes. According to her grandmother, my girlfriend is now psychic. She completely believes it. FML

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By um - 8/2/2011 00:54

Today, I told my new boss to wish his daughter a happy birthday on my behalf, as I overheard him saying it was today. Turns out she committed suicide three years ago. FML

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By fuckmeitsgettingworse - 24/2/2014 19:36 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, my pregnant wife's parents called me at work, saying she'd been crying inconsolably and wouldn't say what was wrong. After pleading with my boss, I rushed home. Turns out there was an "ugly" sofa in a TV ad and she felt it was "picking on ugly sofas". FML

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By kk - 9/1/2013 16:07 - United States

Today, I asked my mom what her biggest craving was when she was pregnant with me. Her answer: an abortion. FML

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By Rage - 8/10/2009 17:31 - United States

Today, while working on my girlfriend of three years' computer I found a file called 'My future wedding'. I assumed it was very old and decided to look through it. Of the list of 5 potential grooms I was not one of them. This didn't bother me until I saw that it had last been edited two days ago. FML

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By IamTheSalt - 25/4/2017 02:00

Today, I got my grades back. They were all 98's and 99's with also a 104 (extra-credit). I got refused from entering an honors club, because it's "impossible to get above a hundred in a math class". I even got investigated for cheating. FML

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By UghDude - 6/9/2014 13:35 - United States - Austin

Today, I found out that my sister licks all the flavoring off Doritos and puts them back in the bag. FML

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By Lickmebaby - 12/2/2017 11:00 - United Kingdom - Enfield

Today, I woke up to see my 8-year-old cousin licking my hand. All of it. FML

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By mybad7 - 15/9/2009 08:13 - Australia

Today, I finally decided to sleep with my boyfriend. It was my first time and I was really nervous so when he was being all romantic with candles and wine I went a bit overboard and drank too much. I passed out. I woke up a few hours later, still a virgin and in a puddle of my own wee. FML

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By happymum - 30/9/2011 11:10 - Netherlands

Today, I lost my watch at the pool. After giving a detailed description of it at the desk, I was really happy to hear someone had found it and handed it in. Too bad I was too late, because someone had already claimed it. FML

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By StayedHome89 - 20/12/2009 06:25 - United States

Today, I ran into some friends from high school who had just gotten back from college. We were talking about what happened during our sophomore year. When it was my turn to tell them what I had been doing, all I could say was "Well, I started wearing V-Neck t-shirts and they're pretty comfortable." FML

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By Steve - 24/2/2011 19:32 - United States

Today, I put aftershave on my fingers to encourage myself to stop biting my nails. I absentmindedly rubbed my eye a few minutes later. It burnt like hell. FML

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By workaholic - 6/3/2014 16:24 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I thought I'd finally finished the special project my boss gave me of changing the eligibility details on several hundred loans. My coworker later pointed out that the document was the same as it had been hours before, and that the changes I made hadn't saved at all. FML

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By Evjoel - 12/9/2016 10:52 - Bermuda - Hamilton

Today, I decided to take some local college courses to improve my résumé. I got into the physics room and a large, multi-colored sign in large print stated, "NO THROWING OR STABBING." FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2010 02:09 - United States

Today, I nervously introduced my mother to my new boyfriend. I had to sit and watch her flirt with him for an hour. When I took her in the other room and confronted her about it, she said, "Don't you dare ruin this for me!" FML

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By Undersexed - 14/9/2016 22:01 - United States - Washington

Today, my husband complained about my lack of sex drive. Gee, I wonder why Mr. "Always comes first by humping for a whopping 30 seconds." FML

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By Trey Deluna - 3/12/2010 17:12 - United States

Today, my mother asked me to drill a hole in one of the studs in her ceiling. Finding it a little odd, I asked her about it. It turns out she's installing the sex swing her boyfriend bought her, and I got to help. FML

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By me - 27/10/2010 12:36 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend elbowed me in the eye while we were sleeping. His excuse: "You shouldn't have stayed over." FML

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By Neurocardiogenic Syncope - 24/8/2012 04:08 - Canada

Today, I have a heart condition that causes migraines and fainting, so I take salt tablets to stop the fainting. The migraines can lead to a stroke, so I have medication for them. The medication has a side effect: fainting. And to avoid migraines, I should avoid salt. FML

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By tjcl - 28/11/2009 06:32 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were gazing into each others' eyes in the moonlight after not having seen each other for a week. I thought he was going to say "I love you" and pull me in for a kiss. Instead, he said, "Since you can’t drive, we should get one of those two seater bicycles." FML

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By Eric - 13/5/2011 02:19

Today, I saw my dad chugging a beer in the garage. Why is that so bad? He was hosting an AA meeting in the basement. FML

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Top comments

By saIty | 17

#4646092 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 16:22

Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na... Spider human balllooooooooonnnn!

By TheDrifter | 23

#4646102 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 16:24

Quick, add radiation, you might be able to get some super powers out of it yet.

COMMENTS

By jellyforyou | 12

#4646079 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 16:20

gabybilyk | 5

#4646088 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 16:22

HAHA ! LOSER :P I saw it it it was FUCKING AMAZAYN

By Hiimhaileypotter | 52

#4646084 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 16:21

Spiders are scary! What kind was it?

olpally | 32

#4646380 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 17:27

Tobey maguire. I heard he's dangerous...

alex1432 | 9

#4646461 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 17:52

great comment lol

happle | 21

#4646969 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 19:53

What are the chances of something the size of your thumbnail putting you in the hospital... x_x

aimeesea75 | 16

#4647120 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 20:41

2- I actually read that in Fluttershy's voice x3

RedPillSucks | 31

#4647461 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 22:55

@72 You do know that there are quite a few venomous spiders, right? In addition, OP could simply be highly allergic to spider bites.

GroovyGravy | 7

#4654228 - Thursday 5 July 2012 21:13

79- dammit, I did too

By saIty | 17

#4646092 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 16:22

Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na... Spider human balllooooooooonnnn!

DooleyFTW | 17

#4646150 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 16:35

With that theme it should be Bat human balloon!

Redoxx_fml | 22

#4646481 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 17:58

Balloonman balloonman does whatever a balloon can

reallytho3 | 11

#4646825 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 19:23

Friendly neighborhood balloonman

rcgirl2 | 11

#4647146 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 20:50

Don't you mean sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium BALLOONMAN!

MartinAlex | 1

#4647571 - Wednesday 4 July 2012 0:05

He's the hero the kids deserve, but not what it-.. Damnit, he flew away!

By moonsxstars | 6

#4646093 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 16:23

Don't you know what you see on tv isn't always true?

reallytho3 | 11

#4646112 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 16:25

I'm pretty sure op wasn't trying to get bitten...

Zomg_Okay | 26

#4646170 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 16:39

And that they were, in fact, just making a humorous comparison to the film.

ALpein | 0

#4646548 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 18:16

I dunno' guys. He might wake up with 20/20 vision.

datoismyname | 22

#4646609 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 18:38

You sir, did not understand this particular FML.

KeyboardWarrior | 10

#4646980 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 19:55

Pretty sure it's a woman...

titzenpitzer | 9

#4647616 - Wednesday 4 July 2012 0:33

Oh my I love this reply :D

By TheDrifter | 23

#4646102 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 16:24

Quick, add radiation, you might be able to get some super powers out of it yet.

hockeyoceancity | 13

#4646181 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 16:42

So you can eat OP's soul and gain the powers yourself? OP won't fall for that trick!

TheDrifter | 23

#4646211 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 16:46

I don't want his powers, I'm trying to create a soulless zombie version of the justice league.

hunterfisher98 | 8

#4646619 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 18:41

Quickly! To the nuclear power plant!

cheetahbaby96 | 8

#4647335 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 22:04

Don't forget, all superheroes' parents are dead. You know what you must do!

TheDrifter | 23

#4647678 - Wednesday 4 July 2012 1:38

If I drop my soulless zombie superheroes off at home afterwards they should take care of it on their own.

bizarre_ftw | 21

#4647736 - Wednesday 4 July 2012 2:50

Or cancer

By chickenwalrus | 14

#4646106 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 16:25

don't be ungrateful, you're balloon man.

alphaskater09 | 9

#4646737 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 19:04

What in the flying fuck is you profile picture???

draegbomb | 5

#4647178 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 21:02

Jared Allen

SqueakyChipmunk | 20

#4647475 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 23:01

Wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube man!!!
(~•o•~)

bizarre_ftw | 21

#4647739 - Wednesday 4 July 2012 2:52

65 - haven't we already been though this? >.< *facepalm*

By stormer461 | 13

#4646109 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 16:25

At least the nurses might've been hot?

hockeyoceancity | 13

#4646204 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 16:46

I'm sure they were whispering together, "Do you see balloon man over there? His hives and redness is turning me on...."

By Hiimhaileypotter | 52

#4646141 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 16:32

At least you weren't in the hospital because your dad wanted hot nurses and broke your knee to get to them.

Michele2luv | 8

#4647095 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 20:29

Referencing an older FML, good job . . .

bizarre_ftw | 21

#4647742 - Wednesday 4 July 2012 2:53

Obvious statement, questionable job.

By MissMae93 | 23

#4646143 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 16:33

Oh gross, that sucks OP! Hope you're doing better and make note if your spidey senses start tingling ;)

By 21jason | 9

#4646152 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 16:35

The powers don't kick in until at least 24 hours.