Miscellaneous: Today, as I was getting ready to go to the midnight premiere...

By spiderfail - United States - Erie

Today, as I was getting ready to go to the midnight premiere of the new Spiderman movie, I was actually bitten by a spider. He gets super powers and a hot girl, I swell up like a balloon and get to spend the night in the hospital. FML

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Miscellaneous

Dangling modifier

Instadrama

Packaging

By oops - Canada - Toronto

Today, I went to dinner with an amazing guy. At the end he said he had to go to the washroom. 15 min later he was still MIA, so I figured he'd ditched me with the bill. I paid and left. 10 min later he texted me, asking where I was. Turns out he hadn't ditched me. He was having "stomach issues." FML

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By harro101 - Australia

Today, the guy I liked for years asked me out. I instantly said yes. As I was walking away, I forgot I was at the top of the stairs and fell down 20 steps. He stood at the top and laughed. FML

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By ilovecharliesheen - United States - Phoenix

Today, I accidentally ate a cat treat instead of a cinnamon glazed pecan. I thought it must have been burnt by the way it tasted, so ate a few more before I figured out my mistake and spat them out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mooresville

Today, immediately after being informed of the sketchy activities that take place in our store parking lot after dark, I'm handed an orange vest and told to go out there to retrieve carts. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Worcester

Today, my husband had a temper tantrum because I wouldn't get him a chocolate bar at the store register. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally got intimate with the girl I like. As I started lifting her shirt, she stuck her hand down my pants and grabbed my junk. She immediately stopped what she was doing, snickered, and calmly said, "Take me home." FML

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By mandieee

Today, I had my first shift as a server at a restaurant after getting stuck behind an accident and arriving late, apologizing profusely. Apparently no one knew I'd been hired but I was still yelled at for tardiness. They then made me clean a fridge for 4 hours and paid me in pizza. FML

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By fashionVictim - United States

Today, a guy informed me that the cute, really tiny little leather bracelet with little silver hearts and several snaps that I'd found in a head shop is actually a cock ring. I'm a girl. FML

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By NeverNumberOne

Friendzone 2.0

Today, I finally got the courage to ask my best friend to go on a date with me. She assumed I meant a double date and squealed, "Who's the lucky guy?!" She thought I was her gay best friend for the past year. FML

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By HALIFAAA - Germany - Braunschweig

Today, my boss sent me a Word document that he wanted me to make into a PowerPoint presentation for him. It was a set of proposals for the board of directors about cost-saving options. The third option was to eliminate my position in the company. FML

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By Victor - United States

Today, I fell asleep in my last period class. When I woke up my teacher said "you missed your bus". I grabbed all my stuff and ran out the room. My class mates were standing outside the class laughing. We still had an hour left in class. FML

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By Nikki - United States

Today, I was baby sitting my little cousin when we decided to go outside and have a "treasure hunt" in the backyard. The first thing we found? The bones of her pet dog that had passed away four years ago. FML

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By imabadperson - United States

Today, I introduced myself as a sex addict, as a joke, to break the ice while meeting new people. One of my friends took me seriously and said he was a porn addict. He told me how happy he was that he had found someone else who had the same feelings and was so happy he could confide in me. FML

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By Skidmark Sally - United States - Las Cruces

Today, while working at the daycare, I had to clean the entire place. During the next four hours, I scooped up three human teeth, a rotten log of shit, a tire iron, a condom wrapper, and a yogurt that expired in 2003. I only cleaned the place a week ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/7/2020 02:01

Delusional

Today, my mom is 100% positive that she saw me meeting up with a stranger and buying some kind of drug from "him." I didn't even pass by anyone on my walk. I went to get dollar store pizza, because I can't afford to buy any decent food this week, let alone drugs. FML

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By BabyDaddy - Australia

Today, I found out that my girlfriend of five months is pregnant. Apparently, she stopped taking her pill two months ago because "we" wanted a baby. I don't recall ever having that discussion with her. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/8/2020 14:09

Get off my lawn!

Today, the police came to my house and arrested me. Why? The neighborhood kids thought it would be fun to hide behind my house and shoot at people with paintball guns. People saw it coming from my house and called the police. I was fired from work, due to missing it without notice. No excuses. FML

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By Whipped Cream - United States - Charlotte

Today, I took a picture of myself wearing a whipped cream bra with cherry nipples, captioned, "I hope you enjoyed your dinner, now how about some dessert???" I meant to send it to my fiancé. I sent it by mistake to my dad. FML

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By Celewyn - Australia

Today, my patient knocked my glasses off as I assisted him in the shower. We both looked in terror as they fell into his unflushed toilet. This patient was isolated due to a contagious infection. FML

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By MR - United Kingdom

Today, my mum decided to teach me a lesson about carelessly leaving my wallet about. She left it on the floor so our puppy could use it and its contents as a chew toy. I was almost impressed to discover that he can eat three £20 notes and still have room for debit cards. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Camden

Today, my sister and I were planning a trip to get away from things and visit some faraway friends. My dad then decided to insert himself into our plans. He got mad when we said no, and couldn't understand why we wanted to go by ourselves. FML

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By pandora - Israel - Palmahim

Today, I fell asleep on the bus. When I woke up, my head was resting on the broad, tanned shoulder of the smoking hot guy sitting next to me. I had drooled a little. FML

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By WittyMoron - United Kingdom

Shooting!

Today, I was out shooting pigeons with my brother. I decided to climb a tree to get a better view of where they were flying in from. As I perched on a branch and surveyed the skies, my idiot brother mistook me for a pigeon and shot me in the leg. FML

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By brittney242 - United States - Stow

Today, while at a night club, I was wearing a brand new outfit that I absolutely loved. I was enjoying myself until I felt something wet drop onto my head and body from above. It was puke from a drunk guy in the V.I.P. section. FML

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By birthday bash - France

Today, it was my girlfriend's birthday. She decided that her "gift to herself" would be to leave the loser who has been holding her back for two years. Hello, my name is Ben, and I am that loser. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was in the shower getting ready for a date, when my older sister thought it would be a laugh to turn out the light. Getting out of the shower to turn it back on, I slipped and hit on my head on the counter. Thanks, sis. FML

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By Unemployed

Today, I found out that after three years of telling my boss our strategy wasn't going to work, that I was right - it didn't work. I also found out that because it didn't work, I lost my job. My boss still has his. FML

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By smellychick - United States - Hesperia

Today, my boyfriend dumped me for being a "cheating whore" when he found men’s deodorant in my bathroom cabinet. I just have abnormally strong B.O. and men’s deodorant works better for me. According to him, "No girl sweats that much." FML

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By Ignorant

Today, my husband and I had a HUGE fight, but we had amazing make up sex so I figured it was over. When I woke up, I realized my mistake. I was tied to the four bed posts completely naked and a sign was taped on the ceiling. "Repairman coming in an hour. Gave him a key. Have all your clothes. Have fun." FML

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By alix - United Kingdom - High Wycombe

Today, my dog was diagnosed with depression. I got him to help with my depression. I guess we can just be miserable together. FML

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By Wolfrunner87 - Australia - Broadmeadows

Today, my bosses were boasting about their work-funded retreat, including the $1,800 bottle of wine the company paid for. This would be fine if they hadn't just told me there are no funds to pay me for the work they've got me doing. We are also the biggest company in our industry. FML

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By couchsurfer - Canada - Toronto

Today, I finally convinced my girlfriend to allow the cats to sleep with us on the bed. As we started to cuddle, one of the cats pissed right in between us. We are sleeping on the couch until the baking soda absorbs the smell in the mattress. I'll be sleeping there longer than that. FML

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By whyeventry? - United States - Neenah

Today, I finally talked my boyfriend into going down on me. Everything went well until I came and instinctively gripped his head with my thighs. He panicked and we both rolled off of the bed crocodile-style. Now he's too scared to even have sex with me. FML

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By Savannah - United States - Spring Hill

Today, I went to the doctor for a suspicious lump under my armpit, so he suggested a breast examination. While pressing all over them he said : "We're gonna have to send you for an X-ray because you have the most lumpy breasts I've ever felt in my life." FML

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By Sleeping Beauty - United States - Jamestown

Lookin' good

Today, I took a nap on the couch. Apparently, my wife decided to put makeup all over my face as I slept. She didn't tell me until after I went to the gas station to grab some beer. Looks like I will have to find a new place to buy beer from now on. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my mom put breast milk in my cereal until I was 7 years old. FML

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By sophistication - United States

Today, I gathered the courage to ask my crush on a date. As I called her, she quickly answered and said "Can't talk right now, I'm in a movie theater." and then hung up. I'd called her home phone. FML

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By cutiekenz21 - United States

Today, my boyfriend's mother walked in on us having sex. He started crying and ran into the bathroom where my clothes were located, leaving me to deal with his mother. Naked. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Papillion

Today, I was left at home alone while my friends went on a trip to Paris I paid for. FML

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By Michelle - Netherlands

Today, I went to pay my grandma a visit. She called the cops because she didn't recognize me and thought I was a robber. FML

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Top comments

By saIty | 17

#4646092 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 16:22

Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na... Spider human balllooooooooonnnn!

By TheDrifter | 23

#4646102 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 16:24

Quick, add radiation, you might be able to get some super powers out of it yet.

COMMENTS

By jellyforyou | 12

#4646079 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 16:20

gabybilyk | 5

#4646088 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 16:22

HAHA ! LOSER :P I saw it it it was FUCKING AMAZAYN

By Hiimhaileypotter | 52

#4646084 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 16:21

Spiders are scary! What kind was it?

olpally | 32

#4646380 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 17:27

Tobey maguire. I heard he's dangerous...

alex1432 | 9

#4646461 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 17:52

great comment lol

happle | 21

#4646969 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 19:53

What are the chances of something the size of your thumbnail putting you in the hospital... x_x

aimeesea75 | 16

#4647120 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 20:41

2- I actually read that in Fluttershy's voice x3

RedPillSucks | 31

#4647461 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 22:55

@72 You do know that there are quite a few venomous spiders, right? In addition, OP could simply be highly allergic to spider bites.

GroovyGravy | 7

#4654228 - Thursday 5 July 2012 21:13

79- dammit, I did too

By saIty | 17

#4646092 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 16:22

Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na... Spider human balllooooooooonnnn!

DooleyFTW | 17

#4646150 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 16:35

With that theme it should be Bat human balloon!

Redoxx_fml | 22

#4646481 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 17:58

Balloonman balloonman does whatever a balloon can

reallytho3 | 11

#4646825 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 19:23

Friendly neighborhood balloonman

rcgirl2 | 11

#4647146 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 20:50

Don't you mean sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium BALLOONMAN!

MartinAlex | 1

#4647571 - Wednesday 4 July 2012 0:05

He's the hero the kids deserve, but not what it-.. Damnit, he flew away!

By moonsxstars | 6

#4646093 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 16:23

Don't you know what you see on tv isn't always true?

reallytho3 | 11

#4646112 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 16:25

I'm pretty sure op wasn't trying to get bitten...

Zomg_Okay | 26

#4646170 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 16:39

And that they were, in fact, just making a humorous comparison to the film.

ALpein | 0

#4646548 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 18:16

I dunno' guys. He might wake up with 20/20 vision.

datoismyname | 22

#4646609 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 18:38

You sir, did not understand this particular FML.

KeyboardWarrior | 10

#4646980 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 19:55

Pretty sure it's a woman...

titzenpitzer | 9

#4647616 - Wednesday 4 July 2012 0:33

Oh my I love this reply :D

By TheDrifter | 23

#4646102 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 16:24

Quick, add radiation, you might be able to get some super powers out of it yet.

hockeyoceancity | 13

#4646181 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 16:42

So you can eat OP's soul and gain the powers yourself? OP won't fall for that trick!

TheDrifter | 23

#4646211 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 16:46

I don't want his powers, I'm trying to create a soulless zombie version of the justice league.

hunterfisher98 | 8

#4646619 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 18:41

Quickly! To the nuclear power plant!

cheetahbaby96 | 8

#4647335 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 22:04

Don't forget, all superheroes' parents are dead. You know what you must do!

TheDrifter | 23

#4647678 - Wednesday 4 July 2012 1:38

If I drop my soulless zombie superheroes off at home afterwards they should take care of it on their own.

bizarre_ftw | 21

#4647736 - Wednesday 4 July 2012 2:50

Or cancer

By chickenwalrus | 14

#4646106 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 16:25

don't be ungrateful, you're balloon man.

alphaskater09 | 9

#4646737 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 19:04

What in the flying fuck is you profile picture???

draegbomb | 5

#4647178 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 21:02

Jared Allen

SqueakyChipmunk | 20

#4647475 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 23:01

Wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube man!!!
(~•o•~)

bizarre_ftw | 21

#4647739 - Wednesday 4 July 2012 2:52

65 - haven't we already been though this? >.< *facepalm*

By stormer461 | 13

#4646109 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 16:25

At least the nurses might've been hot?

hockeyoceancity | 13

#4646204 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 16:46

I'm sure they were whispering together, "Do you see balloon man over there? His hives and redness is turning me on...."

By Hiimhaileypotter | 52

#4646141 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 16:32

At least you weren't in the hospital because your dad wanted hot nurses and broke your knee to get to them.

Michele2luv | 8

#4647095 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 20:29

Referencing an older FML, good job . . .

bizarre_ftw | 21

#4647742 - Wednesday 4 July 2012 2:53

Obvious statement, questionable job.

By MissMae93 | 23

#4646143 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 16:33

Oh gross, that sucks OP! Hope you're doing better and make note if your spidey senses start tingling ;)

By 21jason | 9

#4646152 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 16:35

The powers don't kick in until at least 24 hours.