Geek: Today, I had to do a "damage report" on myself after going to...

By beachbumb8538 - 15/07/2011 17:01 - United States

Today, I had to do a "damage report" on myself after going to the midnight premiere of Harry Potter. As I was waiting for the previews, a 20 year old man dressed as a house elf tackled and wrestled me for my seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 665

You deserved it 5 226

Geek

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Stop talking!

Hope there's no dancing involved

By no selfie for me - 16/04/2013 04:08 - United States - Pasadena

Today, I was at the park unsuccessfully trying to take a selfie. A stranger walked up to me and offered to take the picture for me. I agreed and gave him my phone. He took it and ran off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 893

You deserved it 59 233

By bev_rogan - 21/06/2015 10:16 - United States - New Castle

Today, I took a nap. My boyfriend took this opportunity to go over to his "beautiful" and "amazing" ex-girlfriend's house to help her clean out her pool. I told him I didn't think that was appropriate. He told me I don't value relationships and didn't come home tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 972

You deserved it 2 611

By takeiteasy - 07/01/2009 03:58 - France

Today, my wife and I went to a wedding. At one in the morning, when the cheese was being served, we were starting to fall asleep at the table, so we went to our car to take a short nap. When we woke up it was 5am, and the party was over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 648

You deserved it 34 449

By Anonymous - 23/01/2015 14:58 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was rushed to the hospital with anal tearing. We've never tried anal before, but it turns out she and my "best friend" sure have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 036

You deserved it 3 052

By StratMan - 28/05/2011 16:44 - United States

Today, I worked up the courage to confess my feelings to this girl I'm crazy about. I even wrote and recorded a song for her. Instead of listening to it, she gave it to her ex boyfriend who responded to my heartfelt words by headbutting me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 950

You deserved it 7 653

By kermudgen - 06/12/2010 05:00 - United States

Today, I was directing a video shoot of a big Christmas show with 750 people attending. After the first half of the show recorded; during intermission, I accidentally deleted the show as people were signing up to buy the DVD. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 111

You deserved it 16 888

By Single - 07/08/2010 11:01 - France

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he wanted to make the most of his 1 month X-Box Live coupon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 271

You deserved it 6 997

By MJensen - 10/05/2016 21:57 - Denmark - Herlev

Today, I wanted to be nice to my boyfriend and buy him a cake. Not only did I drop it in the bus, when I got home I forgot that I'd put it on my bed, and sat on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 932

You deserved it 4 223

By Anonymous - 10/03/2016 01:46 - United States

Today, my aunt's last words to me were, "Don't be an idiot". FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 380

You deserved it 2 778

By Sorry - 03/03/2010 16:22 - Canada

Today, trying to take initiative, I wore nothing but an apron and led my husband to the kitchen by his knob to have some fun. I tripped on the floor and used his knob to keep balance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 722

You deserved it 7 782

By atsukobo - 10/03/2012 06:04 - United States

Today, I was half asleep and tried to cuddle my husband as we slept. Still dreaming, he yelled for me to leave his money alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 604

You deserved it 4 815

By BagelShmear - 07/10/2010 01:15 - United States

Today, while working the cash register at my job, a little kid was running around with products while his mom was checking out. She told him she was going to give me his PSP if he didn't stop. He responded by throwing a bag of coffee beans at my face. I didn't even get to keep his PSP. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 075

You deserved it 4 248

By number2 - 18/10/2011 01:14 - United States

Today, while sitting on the toilet, my phone pocket dialed my boss's cell. He was in the next stall. He answered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 359

You deserved it 3 995

By Whitley - 04/11/2010 15:17 - United States

Today, I made salmon patties and boiled cabbage. I smelled smoke from my stove burner, but thought I spilled something in the burner. No big deal. Later, this horrible smell started coming from the stove. My husband took the stove apart, only to find that I had fried a mouse as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 406

You deserved it 4 057

By Anonymous - 18/07/2019 22:00

Today, one of my friends came over to go swimming in my pool. Before going back into the house, as it's all carpeted, I automatically took off my trunks, forgetting about my friend. I realized my mistake when my friend commented on my abnormally long foreskin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 093

You deserved it 1 269

By Anonymous - 22/08/2009 19:39 - Canada

Today, I found out that the crumbs on the couch that look like the oreos you just ate, can actually turn out to be very crunchy, and have legs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 989

You deserved it 46 066

By Anonymous - 05/08/2011 22:57 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend admitted that on his last visit, he snuck into the laundry and stole a lacy black thong he assumed was mine. It wasn't. It was my dad's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 606

You deserved it 3 870

By JDLAX1924 - 05/08/2010 23:24 - United States

Today, my mom came into my bedroom and told me to listen to this voicemail. I listened to me and my girlfriend talking dirty followed by the bed springs bouncing for 3 minutes. I had my phone in the pocket while I was having sex with her and it left my mom a nice voicemail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 740

You deserved it 42 302

Where d'you come from?

By Anonymous - 29/08/2021 23:01 - United States - Austin

Today, as someone with a large chest, I'm used to sometimes finding food in my clothes at the end of the day. However, when I took off my bra off, I found half of a dead grasshopper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 878

You deserved it 116

By whoreticulturalist - 27/10/2012 19:18 - United Kingdom - Plymouth

Today, I decided to watch some porn to cheer myself up after having recently been dumped. Halfway through wanking the gibbon, I got a horrifyingly painful cramp in my foot, and cried out in pain. Ten seconds later, with my pants still down, my dad rushed in to see if I was okay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 532

You deserved it 15 476

By Anonymous - 09/03/2011 16:07 - Canada

Today, I went on a dinner date with the guy I like. He ate all his food then started eating off my plate, going on to eat over half of my food. When the bill came, he made me pay for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 151

You deserved it 7 428

My new house

By Anonymous - 22/01/2013 08:27 - New Zealand - Wainuiomata

Today, I bought my first house, blowing nearly all my savings on the deposit. I had left myself enough for just a couple of necessary bits of furniture. It turns out the previous owner completely stripped the house when he left, taking the oven and even the toilet with him, amongst other things. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 368

You deserved it 13 450

By Ashley - 03/05/2016 04:25 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I found out why my boyfriend of 5 years won't propose/marry me. He would rather wait for his estranged wife to meet someone, fall in love, decide to get married, and do the filing herself. He doesn't want to pay the couple of hundred dollars for the uncontested divorce filing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 717

You deserved it 2 251

By Wow - 13/03/2012 04:38 - United States

Today, I realized that I am so sexually deprived that I get aroused when plugging my headphones into my computer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 502

You deserved it 8 844

By Desertdryspell - 20/12/2018 14:00

Today, I dressed up in new lingerie I had bought to surprise my partner. He said "what do you want? Just go to bed instead". So much for that new confidence. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2 454

You deserved it 209

By maddie - 06/11/2013 05:06 - United States - Austin

Today, I discovered that the guy I've been seeing is a firm supporter of the Westboro Baptist Church. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 292

You deserved it 7 513

By L - 01/06/2011 20:40

Today, the sewers in my town became overloaded. My basement is now filled with other people's poo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 018

You deserved it 3 116

By moose - 14/11/2016 19:17 - Germany

Today, I bought myself a new perfume. Now, there's a sulky husband lying next to me in bed who can't get it up because I smell like his mum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 146

You deserved it 2 854

By Alyssa - 21/09/2016 07:17 - United States - Spring Park

Today, my fiancé, my two-year-old, and my dog are all sleeping peacefully next to me in our new king-sized memory foam bed. It's 2:15 in the morning. Why am I not sleeping? Because they all snore, one right after the other. It's like an endless song of snoring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 147

You deserved it 1 198

By Anonymous - 07/04/2014 00:20 - Australia - Spearwood

Today, at the café I work at, I was yelled at by a woman because the drinks and food she ordered were "taking too long". Before I had the chance to get a word in, she stormed out and said she would never come back. I didn't get the chance to inform her that she hadn't ordered yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 880

You deserved it 3 540

By Jes_jes18 - 02/05/2013 18:27 - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's mom for the first time. I introduced myself and went to shake her hand. She looked me up and down and said, "I don't shake hands with whores." FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 829

You deserved it 7 667

By filipkm - 06/05/2016 14:37 - Slovenia - Ljubljana

Today, I heard on television that a body was found in my city's water reservoir. Word is that it was dead for over a week. I've been drinking and showering with that water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 370

You deserved it 2 780

By Anonymous - 20/08/2013 08:06 - United States - Gig Harbor

Today, I had to endure my girlfriend crying and screaming at me. The reason? I'm not able to please her like the fictional character Christian Grey in 50 Shades of Grey. When she left me, she took all her stuff and left me with copies of the 3 books. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 344

You deserved it 4 410

Frenemies

By Anonymous - 16/06/2021 08:01

Today, I found out that the person who I considered my best friend actually hates my guts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 902

You deserved it 77

By Anonymous - 28/05/2013 23:01 - United States - El Paso

Today, while at the beach, my son needed to pee. I told him to pee in the ocean. He took off his pants and peed from the beach to the water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 508

You deserved it 48 183

By Anonymous - 11/06/2014 21:38 - Australia - Granville

Today, I took a look at my 9-year-old daughter's diary, thinking it would be full of cute stuff. Instead, it was full of hateful rants against me and my husband, as well the boys at her school, who she called gay because none of them ever hit on her. It seems I've failed as a parent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 328

You deserved it 20 493

By ruserious - 07/08/2015 11:24 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I discovered my new step-dad has a rule about the shower. After three minutes, he turns the water off at the source. I had to beg him to turn it back on whilst covered in shampoo suds, and the only way I could get him to give me another minute was to forfeit my phone for the week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 453

You deserved it 2 257

By Anonymous - 07/12/2010 06:23 - United States

Today, I spent hours voluntarily decorating my town for Christmas. After a break, I came back to find someone had re-positioned the wooden reindeer to make it look like they were humping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 364

You deserved it 8 562

By NotRussian - 03/10/2011 04:15 - United States

Today, I had a blind date with a really cute guy. Just when I was about to invite him back to my place for a nightcap, he took out a catalog of Russian mail-order brides and asked for my help in picking out the best one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 928

You deserved it 3 427

By Karin - 13/08/2011 20:29 - Germany

Today, after a week of sporting what I thought was a flattering pixie cut, I realised that without my long hair, my body shape closely resembles a snowman's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 587

You deserved it 10 724

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Top comments

Kgottber 8

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Friday 15 July 2011 22:44

Go, Dobby, go! That's what you sign up for when you go to an HP movie premiere, silly.

iAmScrubs 19

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Friday 15 July 2011 22:46

He was trying to destroy the Horcrux within you. Trust me, you will thank little Dobby later.

Melissa92_fml 13

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Friday 15 July 2011 22:44

That's dedication right there!

worldcupcheer17 0

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Friday 15 July 2011 22:46

maybe Dobby thought you were harry and tried protecting you!

whybother8 0

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Friday 15 July 2011 22:49

lol thats a true fan.. unlike u.

TheWonderchick 0

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Friday 15 July 2011 22:58

that's what you get for going to Harry potter premieres!

YayorNay 8

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Friday 15 July 2011 23:11

Op should have whipped his wand out.

Iamnotmyself 17

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Friday 15 July 2011 23:17

Damn things, you give them just ONE sock and they go berserk!

fthislyfe 22

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Friday 15 July 2011 23:36

DON'T EVEN COMPARE THAT DOUCHE TO DOBBY! Dobby is my hero!

Iamnotmyself 17

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Friday 15 July 2011 23:41

-44 Is it sad I cried when he died in the book, in front of my class? During Social Studies. On a lesson about Hitler. It was about how he died... What I'm trying to say is I got beat up a lot.

cameycamcam 7

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Friday 15 July 2011 23:49

I thought dobby dying was hilarious!

whyXD 12

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Saturday 16 July 2011 0:17

So who won? i heard those house elfs are very tricky.

Lucidium 0

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Saturday 16 July 2011 1:19

who the fuck watches Harry potter

fthislyfe 22

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Saturday 16 July 2011 1:41

48: me too I cried when Dobby died :(

yazmi_09 3

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Saturday 16 July 2011 1:55

88- lots of people watch Harry Potter, including myself

fthislyfe 22

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Saturday 16 July 2011 3:17

Well, actually, the movies are no way as good as the books. but still...

hayleclark 17

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Saturday 16 July 2011 4:04

why would you ask that, when you took the time to comment on this FML?

Iamnotmyself 17

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Saturday 16 July 2011 4:21

-88 Who the fuck comments on FML?

TheWonderchick 0

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Saturday 16 July 2011 4:32

you say, through a comment. lol.

hiflier1012 3

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Saturday 16 July 2011 4:59

haha what would have been funny is if he stole your seat, then yelled MISCHIEF MANAGED!!!!!!!

Iamnotmyself 17

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Saturday 16 July 2011 6:14

-126 it was supposed to be ironic :)

Idonebeenhad 17

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Saturday 16 July 2011 6:17

dressed like s house elf....?! so he was wearing a single stranded rag? LOL

forest1wolf 9

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Saturday 16 July 2011 7:01

sister went dressed as bellatrix and there was a best costume contest she won(: dedication oh and there was alott of competitors

koe4 0

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Saturday 16 July 2011 7:03

dude this world is filled with so many strange unexplainable people

rawrgle 7

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Saturday 16 July 2011 7:24

88- Who the fuck does not watch harry potter?

NeatNit 32

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Saturday 16 July 2011 8:38

Lot's of people don't. 88, rated up! :P

tashhshere 0

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Sunday 17 July 2011 4:07

I cried too....

XxDrUnKeNGaMeRxX 0

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Sunday 17 July 2011 8:03

harry potter is amazing.Your argument is invalid.

alexibabyxoxo 0

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Tuesday 19 July 2011 7:14

that's what happens when you watch Harry potter.

chandlerbelacic 17

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Tuesday 28 May 2013 1:30

There's nothing better than Harry potter. Shut your pie hole you muggle!

Kgottber 8

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Friday 15 July 2011 22:44

Go, Dobby, go! That's what you sign up for when you go to an HP movie premiere, silly.

OWNZ 0

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Friday 15 July 2011 22:56

At least Hagrid didnt sit on op...

myxcure 2

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Friday 15 July 2011 23:09

Or Grawp...

Uraharas_Bankai 1

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Friday 15 July 2011 23:31

Dobby doesn't mean to kill, Dobby only means to mane or seriously injure!

BaconDave 12

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Friday 15 July 2011 23:40

Dobby's nice. It was probably Kreature.

daisyloo 7

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Saturday 16 July 2011 0:03

Maybe it was Dobby's friend avenging Dobby? You never know....but FYL, that really sucks:(

Orcina1 3

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Saturday 16 July 2011 0:43

46. kreature was nice after they gave him the locket. you'd know that if you read the book

HelloFeesh 0

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Saturday 16 July 2011 0:53

Dobby is dead, he can't go

yazmi_09 3

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Saturday 16 July 2011 1:58

well 71 if YOU had read the book you'd know it's spelled kreacher :)

SunDropGirl 0

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Saturday 16 July 2011 3:12

you people hahaha all OP said was house elf hey didn't specify which one. and i hope the costume wasn't to showing... on a big guy if you know what I mean. but hey I wish i couldl have dressed up gone to the premiere so bad!!!!

dreamnitedarling 9

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Saturday 16 July 2011 12:21

Kreacher.

skizzlerz 0

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Saturday 16 July 2011 15:04

Maybe it was Winky. Ohhhh snap nobody thought about that.

XxDrUnKeNGaMeRxX 0

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Sunday 17 July 2011 8:05

Kreacher...although Kreature would be kinda cool

WereKitty27 1

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Friday 15 July 2011 22:45

Dobby is dead! I saw it with my own eyes! How could he have wrestled you for your seat?

GothGirl3030 6

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Saturday 16 July 2011 4:06

it was his ghost

Xx_Dakota_xX 1

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Saturday 16 July 2011 5:12

it was Kreatcher lol the old ugly one >.>

DropTheDaggerxx 31

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Saturday 16 July 2011 7:22

I bet it was a goblin. Nasty buggers!

alexg823 0

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Saturday 16 July 2011 8:18

You guys dissapoint me. Has no one read the books?

PiggieGirl638 0

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Saturday 16 July 2011 10:48

I did, but apparently not many people here have. I wish that they actually showed more than just the two house elves in the movies. I would've wanted to see at least Winky on the big screen!

fudawee 4

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Friday 15 July 2011 22:46

should of knocked his ass out. ?

nwatso96 0

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Saturday 16 July 2011 5:30

yup that's SOOO smart bcuz he would've gotten thrown out of the movie theater with no seat and no Harry potter

Toggybbz 0

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Saturday 16 July 2011 13:37

lol you look like snoop dogg

EmilyFelton98 0

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Sunday 17 July 2011 18:58

No Don't Hurt Dobby!!!!

iAmScrubs 19

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Friday 15 July 2011 22:46

He was trying to destroy the Horcrux within you. Trust me, you will thank little Dobby later.

freerun4life97 0

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Saturday 16 July 2011 8:03

to bad Dobby is dead

holybuckets 0

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Friday 15 July 2011 22:47

HP fans are insane!! that was a fantastic movie though. :)

hahaurfunnylol 1

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Friday 15 July 2011 22:54

nah LOTR are Insane especially the first day the third one came out

hahaurfunnylol 1

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Friday 15 July 2011 22:55

LOTR fans*

loveuforever 0

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Saturday 16 July 2011 6:27

It was an amazing movie!! I saw the midnight premiere and nobody got wild and crazy but the lady monitoring the comings and goings of movie goers was pretty intense.