By laner - 26/7/2019 12:00

The Stinking of Hill House

Today, I found out my ex-husband left the fridge full of rotting meat in the house that I'm selling. I turned off the power to the house in March. Now the whole house stinks, and I had to have the fridge professionally removed and the kitchen cleaned because buyers are coming to look at it tomorrow. FML

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Superficial World

The best cat

British Broadcasting Corporation

By Eheath12Jheath14 - 12/7/2018 01:30

Today, my boyfriend and I welcomed our first son into the world. After I gave birth, he said he was going home to make sure the house was ready for baby. A few hours later, he was tagged in a Facebook photo by a mutual friend at the local bar. FML

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By zombielover1 - 13/7/2009 06:17 - United States

Today, while eating a Subway sandwich, I was watching a comedian on TV. As he said his signature line, I laughed hysterically and accidentally snorted a jalapeño into my nose. I spent the next 5 minutes trying to snort out the little piece that got lodged into my nostril. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2017 12:00

Today, I used a blanket outside for a picnic. Later, while throwing it in the washer, I noticed a lizard jump out to land inbetween the bowl and the side. Then I noticed a wasp had joined it. I'm scared to open my washer now. FML

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By hatemyjob - 23/6/2011 18:13 - United States

Today, I discovered that even though I now have a key to get into the office, I don't know the code to shut off the alarm system. I showed up early. FML

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By BigSister - 13/9/2009 18:19 - United States

Today, my 15 year old sister came home at 4am totally stoned. My parents treated her really nicely and woke me up. I'm now grounded until I go college for being a bad influence. I volunteer at schools to talk about abusing drugs. FML

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By jibjab - 11/1/2009 16:46 - Canada

Today, I have a degree in electrical engineering, my wife was doing a crossword and asked me what are the units of capacitance, I couldn't remember. FML

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By Female Struggles - 16/5/2014 23:20 - United States - Denver

Today, while I was waiting at the bus stop, a car that looked like my mom's pulled up. Thinking it was actually her, I walked up and jokingly asked what she was into. The guy inside now thinks that I'm a prostitute. FML

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By sucks at sucking - 15/12/2012 00:27 - United Kingdom - Bournemouth

Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. I went slowly to build up the excitement, and I thought it was working really well, until he sighed, "For fuck's sake, it's a dick, not a shotgun." and told me to stop embarrassing him. FML

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By TheLastGreatDope - 20/2/2018 23:00 - United States - Winchester

Today, I received a random message on a dating app. It was the girl I'd always wanted to marry, but who disappeared from my life when we were younger. She went on and on about how much she missed me... and how much she wanted me to meet her husband and 3 kids. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/7/2011 04:26 - United States

Today, my house got robbed. They left a note: "Next time, we steal your souls." FML

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By WittyMoron - 8/1/2020 01:00 - United Kingdom

Shooting!

Today, I was out shooting pigeons with my brother. I decided to climb a tree to get a better view of where they were flying in from. As I perched on a branch and surveyed the skies, my idiot brother mistook me for a pigeon and shot me in the leg. FML

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By konacoffee17 - 14/12/2014 05:15 - United States - Portland

Today, I was having a nice conversation with my fiancé when he said out of nowhere, "I sold some of your panties". I thought he was joking so I said I hoped they weren't any of my favorites. He wasn't joking, though, and now some stranger from Craigslist owns my panties. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/2/2012 10:07 - United States

Today, after getting a pat of appreciation from my girlfriend's father for taking it slow, he found me later, in her room, with my head between her thighs. FML

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By Seanzy - 30/3/2009 20:16 - United States

Today, the girl I've had a crush on forever asked me why the pin on my Letterman jacket had two guys doing it. I told her it was for participating in a wrestling tournament. And she responded, "Oh I thought you were finally coming out of the closet!" FML

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By pain in my gums - 27/2/2017 11:30 - Canada - St. John's

Today, I went to the dentist to get my wisdom teeth removed. The surgeon took a better X-ray to see what he was dealing with before he got started. When he came back into the room, he started to laugh and told me it was my lucky day because in the X-rays he found 2 big extra wisdom teeth. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/12/2014 20:02 - United States - Pennsville

Today, my parents refused to give my daughter her Christmas presents as an act of revenge against her father. FML

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By ashily24 - 7/2/2018 15:00

Today, I went and had my first ultrasound done. My husband said he had a meeting at work, and couldn't come. As I was leaving, I saw him at the doctor's office with another heavily pregnant woman. FML

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By justine - 11/8/2019 02:00

Today, I finally confronted my daughter about never using air freshener after she poops. She said, "But I thought flushing made the smell go away!" She's 15 and she actually believed this. FML

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By hypebeast - 28/1/2009 15:00 - United States

Today, I posted on a forum asking if I could be a moderator. Instead, I got banned. FML

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By AlexSnower - 12/4/2020 02:00

Mismatched

Today, I'm trying to get over my OCD by wearing 2 different shoes. FML

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By Darkheaven - 17/11/2008 11:27 - France

Today, I was in an online chatroom speaking to this girl that I really hit it off with. She then confided in me that she'd recently been dumped by her boyfriend and that he was a jerk. A little while later, we exchanged photos. It was my ex. FML

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By pussystroker - 19/11/2009 17:20 - United Kingdom

Today, a cat came up to me on the pavement so I petted it a little. An elderly man rode past on his bicycle and shouted "I'd like to stroke your pussy too!" FML

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By angry - 4/11/2009 18:51 - United Kingdom

Today, I was on web cam to my girlfriend who was naked. She turned the web cam to point to the screen for a second and she was also on web cam with another guy. FML

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By tehaustiebear - 3/10/2012 22:03 - United States - San Diego

Today, I went to my girlfriend's house to play Twister. Her parents watched us the whole time, making sure we didn't touch. FML

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By canabana - 11/4/2009 08:42 - Canada

Today, I spent 3 hours trying to close a simple $400 deal with a homeowner. He spent 3 hours telling me about his life story including his marital problems, his philosophical views of the world, AND he read me 20 pages of haiku poems. Only 3 hours later did he tell me he couldn't accept my deal. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/1/2015 00:16 - United States - Oak Ridge

Today, my mom called me into the living room to say that she had something important to tell me. She then explained how she and my dad had "talked things over" and wanted me to know that they accept me and love me no matter what. Apparently my mom thinks I'm lesbian. I'm not. FML

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By distressed - 5/11/2010 23:36 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend started his first day of work. After saying our goodbyes, I went into our bedroom to get changed, picked up one of my blouses and found a camera, still recording. I guess someone has major trust issues. FML

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By zwillywilly - 10/8/2009 04:03 - United States

Today, I was working in a warehouse where fellow employees were kicking empty boxes around. Seeing a box, I got running distance and kicked it as hard as I could, only to look up in horror to see that I had kicked into our CEO's face. I still had both my arms up in score mode. FML

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By orilykid - 31/10/2012 17:23 - United States - Richmond

Today, I was cleaning out my roof's gutter, which was full of leaves. There was an especially big pile, and when I started scooping it up, I felt something squishy. Turns out those leaves were covering the remains of a rotting squirrel. I can't stop smelling it. FML

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By thesaddestsoup - 2/2/2017 20:00 - Macedonia - Stip

Today, my long-distance relationship ended. The only thing my dad had to say to comfort me was that he hopes my phone bills will, "go back to normal now." FML

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By Bandking - 17/3/2014 21:48 - United States - Cleveland

Today, I marched in the St. Patrick's day parade. My horn has an inconveniently-placed spit valve that has to be drained frequently. At the end, I discovered every time I emptied it, it would spray all over the front of my pants. I marched an entire parade looking like I pissed my pants. FML

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By disturbed - 10/5/2009 09:56 - United States

Today, I got rear-ended at a stoplight by a woman who had been doing her make-up while driving. She didn't get out to see if I was okay until she had finished perfectly applying both lipliner and gloss. FML

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By ChangoFett - 26/5/2013 06:46 - United States - Laguna Hills

Today, I changed my teacher's PowerPoint picture to me making a funny face. He saw it and changed it to a picture of him, with a middle finger. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/8/2009 07:24 - United States

Today, I was smoking a cigarette while watching the meteor shower. I was just about at the filter and as I was taking my last drag, my friend decided to scare me from behind, and I accidentally sucked the whole thing in my mouth. They don't go out immediately when in your mouth. My tongue hurts. FML

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By starfishedasshole - 30/3/2014 16:50 - United States

Today, I broke up with my psycho girlfriend of one month. She actually expected me to let her keep the vintage car that I've been rebuilding for the past two years, and when I refused, she threatened to burn my garage down with us still in it. FML

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By shandrith - 3/7/2009 14:16 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend is cheating on me, with the same guy I was cheating on him with. FML

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By kdubz23 - 17/2/2014 22:41 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, the parent of a student called to ask me about a homework assignment. At the end of the call, she told me that I seem to be losing my "Asian accent" from when she first talked to me in the summer. I was born in the US, grew up in NJ and speak perfect English. FML

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By Toolate - 21/12/2016 12:26

Today, after having gone off the pill a couple of weeks ago, I finally got my old friskiness back only to find part of a condom wrapper in my husband's pocket. Turns out he was impatient and went elsewhere. FML

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By .... - 17/4/2009 16:49 - United States

Today, I locked my keys in my car. After spending 20 minutes on the phone with AAA, and then waiting a half hour, the guy showed up, he stuck his hand in the drivers side window and asked, "You couldn't just reach in?" I forgot I left the window open. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2014 15:38 - Taiwan - Taipei

Today, I'm so broke that I had to call in sick to work because I couldn't afford to pay my bus fare. FML

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Top comments

By skippydoda | 32

#7825338 - Friday 26 July 2019 14:09

That sucks, but why didn't you check the property before turning of the power to make sure everything is okay.

By Jeremy Strang | 7

#7825362 - Friday 26 July 2019 15:33

100% your fault. Do a basic check of the property before you just go and cut the power.

Comments

By skippydoda | 32

#7825338 - Friday 26 July 2019 14:09

That sucks, but why didn't you check the property before turning of the power to make sure everything is okay.

By Jeremy Strang | 7

#7825362 - Friday 26 July 2019 15:33

100% your fault. Do a basic check of the property before you just go and cut the power.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7825409 - Friday 26 July 2019 17:31

He should have used shrimp. I’ve heard the stench is even more offensive than rotting meat.

Reply

alycion | 38

#7825854 - Saturday 27 July 2019 10:16

It is. Much, much worse. Hurricanes are fun with all the various rotting foods in trash cans outside.